Last week, on the Ultimate Tournament of Ultimate Doom Part III...
The mob boss Mao decided that the easiest way to eliminate her tiny foe would be to put a hit out on him. Hiring Larry, Curly, and Moe, she sat back and waited for positive results. Two weeks later, as she woke for the morning, she found two human fingers with 2 eyes impaled on them in her litterbox, and several police officers at her door waiting to arrest her for trying to kill off an endangered species. Moral of the story: don't fuck with the Penguin Mafia.
Without his mighty donkey, Shrek had to resort to other ways to defeat the mighty Firkraag. With a recording of Eddie Murphey's best movie on his cell phone, he charged right at the dragon, hoping the actor's smooth voice would throw him off guard. Unfortunately, Shrek had recorded sound bytes from Pluto Nash onto his cell phone. The mind rape from having to listen to that horrid movie once more drove Firkraag into a BROOKLYN RAGE, and he devoured Shrek then and there.
Meanwhile, the fight between Yugi and Miss Cleo was warming up. Both decided to play a children's card game to challenge each other. Of course, since Yugi didn't know the actual rules to YuGiOh! and Miss Cleo can't actually read a damn tarot card, both of them simply played a game of "who can make up the most outlandish attack and one-up the other first". Having had much more experience in this regard, Yugi was able to counter her Judgment cards with a specialy prepared trap card designed only to work when males cosplaying females try to use the 22nd arcana as a special attack in a children's card game on saturday afternoons at noon. After losing her last life point, Miss Cleo conceded defeat as honourably as a nutjob from the Caribbean can.
Salem > Invisibility Cloaks. 'Nuff said.
In the Mechanical league, Bender did host his own tournament with blackjack. And hookers. Which WALL-E was not invited to. Poor little robot tried to crash the party, got into the alcohol, and ended up drunkenly leaping out into space, where he was picked up by Planet Express and subsequently jettisoned into a supernova. They really should raise the legal drinking age for robots.
Utilizing the greatest weapon ever known to the Protoss, the Observer, Fenix video taped Cameron throughout the day and uploaded the videos to youtube, thoroughly proving to all fanboys that yes, Summer Glau IS a robot. Millions of pissed off, horny, and desperate fanboys charged her apartment and turned her into scrap metal, due to her programming preventing her from fighting back.
sharon sent her parrot to kill ryu in his sleep but ryu new it waz cuming and hit it with a shurkin but then sharon fired her ship canon at ryus house but ninjas dont live in houses so she just shot some random people in bed then ryu fought her with a sword in a sword fight then sharon remembered she could use magic and fired a lightning bolt at ryu but ninja dodges fast but slippe on a banaa peel and crackd his scull open
With a mighty OBJECTION!, Phoenix struck down the almighty Cochran with a single blow. Reopening the OJ Simpson trial, Phoenix was able to convict Simpson of murder and somehow prove that the CIA really did kill JFK. Somehow. Hey, I never said this tournament had to make sense, did I?
And so, we welcome our victors from last week to the finals quarter finals...in one week:
And now, for the final week of eliminations...
Bestiality DivisonFrog (Chrono Trigger) vs. Kermit the Frog (Muppets)Frog fun time! Wielding a sword and a British accent, the mighty legendary warrior, slayer of time devourers, and all around good freaky anthropomorphic amphibian is ready to challenge all newcomers. But will he meet his match against Kermit, Jim Henson's flagship character and lover of pigs? It's a match for the century - who will prove just how easy it is to be green?
Riki (SaGa Frontier) vs. Beast Boy (Teen Titans)What could be more entertaining than a battle between transforming monsters? The ever mutating Riki and Beast Boy share quite a bit in common, primarily lack of common sense, ignorance, and a general idiocy that pervades their actions. Also, neither could ever get laid, ever. Which transforming beast will prove to hold the ultimate secret of evolution, and not fall prey to natural selection?
Supernatural DivisionFreddy Kreuger (Friday the 13th) vs. Ghost Dad (Ghost Dad/BARKLEY)One, two Freddy's coming for you. Three, four better lock the door. But wait, is that a hero on the horizon who can stop the dream-demon? Why yes, it's...Bill Cosby? Kreuger's laughing, but just because Dad's a little ethereal doesn't mean he's out for the count yet! After-all, ghosts don't dream. Will Freddy become the nightmare of the Supernatural Division, or will Ghost Dad stop the madman in his tracks?
Grim (The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy) vs. Manuel "Manny" Calvera (Grim Fandango)Grim is the Grim Reaper...and kind of inept. I mean, seriously, slave to two kids? He's still got all his reaper powers, though: the scythe of doom is still as evilly powerful as it ever is. But will it be enough to take down an original LucasArts Adventure Game Hero? Manny may not have the power to kill at will, but he can book and excellent trip to Georgia. I hear the Devil likes the climate down there. And hey, Manny outsmarts adults, so he's got the competence advantage here. Which skeletal entity will come out on top?
Mechanical DivisionRobocop (Robocop 1 and maybe 2...not 3...there never was a 3) vs. Warmech (Final Fantasy 1)Policing the streets and making them safe for civilians is Robocop's job. When he heard about this random thing that attacked people on a routine trip around the Air Castle, he was outraged, and decided to do something about it. Afterall, this Warmech may be an optional superboss, but it can't be too different from beating up random thugs and police robotis that can't differentiate between right and wrong. The Prime Directive will be upheld.
Megaman (Guess where he comes from >_>) vs. Richard Hawk (Metal Wolf Chaos)MICHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Epic DivisionBill Gates (Microsoft) vs. Luther Lansfeld (Star Ocean 3)...you know, this should be self-explanatory. No rhetoric crap need for this.
Benedict Arnold (Ye Olde Colonies) vs. Judas Iscariot (Israel in 4 BC with no mass communication...please someone get this reference)Traitors abound, and no matter what answer you give here, you're screwed. Either go to hell or get arrested by Homeland Security for not being American enough. Can't win.
Short Form:
Frog vs. Kermit
Riki vs. Beast Boy
Kreuger vs. Ghost Dad
Grim vs. Manny
Robocop vs. Warmech
Megaman vs. Richard Hawk
Bill Gates vs. Luther Lansfeld
Benedict Arnold vs. Judas Iscariot
NOW KNOW WHAT TRUE POWER IS! VOTING CLOSES IN A WEEK! GET TO IT!
