Equity Friends South: The Debut
~by Meeple Lard
At an undisclosed location, covered in darkness, a shadowy figure stood. Apparently, not alone, though.
"So. What you're saying is... that my original Arch Nemesis is in fact busy? Have you confirmed that?"
"Yes, he has other things to attend to, so a confrontation is kind of not an option due to conflicting schedules. He said it was some kind of 'Duelling League'."
A lightning bolt soared through the skies, as if to shape a malevolent grin through a metaphorical darkness. It was a glorious day. The shadowy figure had a sinister gleam in his eyes, and a flicker of wicked joy crossed over his lips. "... THIS IS PERFECT! With Alkaiser out of the way, nothing shall stop me!"
The figure left the darkness, revealing a madly cackling Boss X. "Soon, my plan to take over the world using nothing but men wearing jumpsuits and masks will come to fruition! Come, my trusted minion Doctor Klein, let us spread our evil!"
The clumsy doctor followed suit. "Yes, of course!"
When all seemed lost, however, a shard of light brought upon hope!
"Not if we have anything to say about it!", a thunderous voice struck down from above.
Appearing out of a smoke bomb was an older man dressed like... a Ninja? "Behold the secret Brazilian stealth ninja skill! For I am... the Septageneric Ninja!"
As this flamboyant display ended, a pink bat came flying in surrounded by hearts and pink clouds, transforming into a young, fabulous female vampire. "I'm Ballerina Mask! You shall be punished in the name of Tepes!"
"Come, my mighty stead, oh Le Stallion Magnifique, for I am Lady Lightbringer, and you shall know my wrath, oh evil ones!", screamed L'Arachel under a fanfare, gallantly riding her trusty mount Ms. Preciousmuffin from an illogical, yet breathtaking sunset.
Lastly, smashing through a glass skylight that was definitely not there 5 minutes ago, a truly wondrous sight appeared, although you wouldn't think he was with the good guys from a glance. "Lacking any sort of witty way to introduce myself, I'll just go down to business. I am Monster Z!"
The four heroes all stood in their respective heroic poses, with random explosions and flower petals and other illogical things you'd expect to see at such a first-time unveiling. Nobody said they weren't stereotypical.
"We are the <i><b>Equity Friends South!!</b></i>", they all shouted mightily, immediately followed by "PSYDUCK!!!", said by a peculiar duck wearing a mask.
"...so someone wanna explain to me why we have our mascot as a Psyduck?" Zed asked his fellow teammates, scratching his head.
"Well, you see, you said you wanted something cute and yellow with mysterious powers that begins with the letter P and can fit into a Pokeball as a mascot, right?", sweetly replied Lady Lightbringer.
"Yeah, and unfortunately, the oldest member of our team took the liberty of looking for it himself and found him, despite all of us knowing exactly what you wanted. We had to settle with the low-grade generic."
"AHA! Good show, Spyduck! You do the Ninja honor proud!", Frank patted the Psyduck gently yet ninja-style. Whatever the hell that means.
"...well, at least it has a super hero name, and it's still better than what the Super Equity Friends has, so I guess we'll just have to live with it." Monster Z said, sighing. "But anyway, this is our debut as a Super Hero team, and we can't let our buddies back at the Quaza Dome down! We must defeat Boss X!"
"KLEIN! WHO THE HELL ARE THESE FOOLS WHO DARE WISH TO OPPOSE ME?
? YOU TOLD ME ALKAISER AND THE OTHER SUPER EQUITY FRIENDS WERE UNAVAILABLE!"
"It seems some wannabe super heroes, boss. I guess you could say they are the second stringers? Or perhaps even the third stringers? They should be no match for you. After all, they aren't the real deal!"
"Ok, I can see not having a high opinion of us now, but saying we're fakes is going too far!" shouted an indignant Hilda. She then brandished her tiny staff, ready to dole out punishment. "Now I'm going to make you pay for that insult!"
"PSYDUCK!!!"
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We interrupt this match writeup as the next 3 hours consist of the two sides exchanging words in about as immature a fashion as you can get We apologize for the inconvenience, and will cut straight to the end.
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"YOUR EVIL DEEDS WILL BE STOPPED HERE AND THERE OR MY NAME ISN'T... ISN'T... MONSTER Z!" bellowed Zed, barely remembering his lines.
And so, led by the reformed Metal Demon himself, the Equity Friends South are ready for their first fight against a classic superhero villain! Will they succeed? Will Boss X's nebulously evil plan actually work this time? Does anyone actually tolerate Frank at all?
Find out next episode of... EQUITY FRIENDS SOUTH!
- The EFS wins. Justice and idiocy are a better combination than idiocy alone.
- They aren't the real deal, and more importantly, they are even bigger idiots. Boss X somehow wins.
- The Super Equity Friends and Alkaiser show up anyway. This isn't good news for Boss X.
- The Super Equity Friends show up... but a dispute over marketing rights for the victory allows X to escape. Tough.