Final Fantasy 14 Stormblood Abridged aka the Adventures of Meepel

[Meeplelard]

So I started this in WGAYP, and didn't continue because I realized FF14 just isn't fun when I'm constantly thinking about abridging it...so instead i'll do it in hindsight!

It also dawned on me it'd be funny if we invoked the FRUE!!! MMO experience and added in other characters. 


I'm updating this sporadically.  Feel free to comment, critique, call me a ****ing dip**** ****sucker pile of ****, etc.  First episode will just be a copy and paste of the one in WGAYP.  Without furtherado, here's FF14 Stormblood Abridged!

CHARACTERS:

For FF14 originals like Alphinaud, Alisaie, etc., just GIS them.  Easier that way!  That said, FF14 like most MMOs has CaC so it's important I demonstrate what the characters look like for visualizing purposes!


Paladin Meepel Lardos


"Come at me, bro!"
Preferred Mount: Dumplin the Chocobo*
Likes: Tanking, glowy swords, competent allies, getting acknowledged for hard work, snark
Dislikes: Incompetence, Gerolt, being relied on to do everything (though she'll do it anyway), Kobolds, being called "laddie"

This is Meepel's default state, and in a sense, is the "leader" which is why she wears red.  She's genre savvy, enjoys tanking, and basically feels like she's the center of everything...which isn't far from the truth...and thus is forced to deal with everything (so not quite "I AM THE CENTER OF THE WORLD" more of a "wait, why does everything involve me?") and loves glowy swords.   This is the form that also gets into arguments with Gerolt in chat.

*I'll get an image of him eventually, given Chocobos have variable designs in this.


Dark Knight Meepel Lardos

"For glory, justice, and all things heroic!!"
Preferred Mount: Midgarsormr
Likes: Honor, Justice, Nobility, Heroism, GIANT Glowy Swords!
Dislikes: Evil Doers, dishonor, kobolds, Nidhogg

Meepel as a Dark Knight!  This is her 2nd most prominent form, and one of her "alpha" personalities.  Dark Knight's personality is basically honorable, duty driven, obsessed with justice in a positive way (as in, not an Anti-Hero variant), tends to speak in ways that tries to make her sound more noble than she probably is, and is just generally an all around good person.  Yes, I am fully aware this isn't Paladin I'm talking about.  Like her Paladin...sister?, she also loves glowy swords, though not to the same obsessive extent.

Naturally, her and Paladin tend to get into the most discussions, positive or negative, more so than anyone else, but that's because the 3rd and last alpha...


Warrior Meepel Lardos

"Meepel SMASH!!!"
Preferred Mount: Pegasus
Likes: Axes, Smashing, not-being-as-stupid-as-she-seems
Dislikes: Kobolds, people thinking she's as stupid as she seems, Kobolds, Sylphs, Kobolds, being unable to speak fluid english...also Kobolds

...isn't exactly much of a conversationalist.  Warrior Meepel is a total brute, and rage filled woman...but she's not stupid.  Her intelligence is fairly average, she's just so constantly angry (because you need to be for Warrior powers to work, see), that the speech part of her brain got compromised, so she struggles to speak in full sentences, which is why she doesn't talk much.  Like Dark Knight, she can pop up whenever she wants alongside Paladin.  As for her outfit...well, that was her best way of trying to demonstrate she CAN be cultured and not stupid, since her words sure as hell won't work!


Red Mage Meepel Lardos

"Like, OMG, I'm soooooooo much prettier than Quinn~"
Preferred Mount: Magitek Armor (Reaper Class)
Likes: Shopping, Jewely, clothing...basically anything materialistic, especially if it's blue, gossiping, Alisaie,...also making fun of Quinn, Elemental Protean Crystals, Eurekan Fragments, Baldesion's Arsenal
Dislikes: Breaking a nail, overpriced stuff on things she wants, Quinn not suffering, Kobolds, Pazuzu, Louhi, Copycat Cassie, Skoll, Penthisilea, Providence Watcher

And here is the "Beta Plus" as I like to put it.  Red Mage is outspoken and basically exactly what you expect out of a Valley Girl Teen.  So she's obsessed with shopping, fashion, gossip, etc.  She's also very competent with a sword and magic.  Why is she wearing blue?  BECAUSE SHE'S A RED MAGE!


Samurai Meepel Lardos

"Si no buscas la muerte, entonces escóndete lejos."
Preferred Mount: Fenrir
Likes: Being a bad ass
Dislikes: The fact that no one can understand what she says...also Kobolds

And this turban wearing, Chinese attire clad, Norse Wolf Riding, Spanish Speaking, German Accented Katana wielding hero is Meepel's other "Beta Plus" in Samurai, and probably the last "primary" personality who will show up at some sort of consistency.  If the description didn't get the point across, Samurai is best summed up as "Culturally Confused Bad Ass."  I'll let the rest speak for itself, really.



Quinn Winago

"God, what the hell? I'm so dirty, gotta go wash, THIS IS ALL OF YOUR FAULTS!"
Preferred Mount: Xanthos
Likes: Ysayle, herself
Dislikes: Pretty much everyone that doesn't qualify in the "Likes" section

And here we have Quinn Winago, which is actually Mei's character.  In short, she's a narcissist, a racist, and just an overall bad person in everyway who is forced to be on the good guys because she's somehow technically not evil.  Even though she's a Black Mage, she has access to "Axe Space" letting her shove an axe (or attempt to) into anyone who annoys her enough...which is basically everyone...



Natia Ravenclaw

"You've trove me too far!"
Mount:
Likes: Treasure, Puns
Dislikes: Mimics

And this is a character of a different friend not associated with the DL.  Natia is obsessed with treasure such that when she sees a chest, she opens it as soon as possible, EVEN WHEN SHE'S WARNED IT's A MIMIC.  Also puns, lots and lots of puns.  As a result, she's designated as the important role of "Team Butt Monkey."



William Bluelike

"My god, if you don't shut up, you're going to be wearing an extra strip of silver."
Preferred Mount: Coeurl
Likes: Crafting, Fishing, Gathering, Triple Triad, GATEs
Dislikes: Healing Stupid

And here is Magic's character.  William is generally a chill guy...when he's not stressed.  Generally he prefers crafting and gathering jobs because it lets him do things at his own pace, unfortunately though when he's "chill" he also tends to get into what he believes is a zen, mentally higher state and starts speaking proverbs that don't even begin to make sense, or are just basically saying something obvious in something that sounds profound.  In dungeons, he favors healers...which is also the most stressful job...meaning he shifts immediately from "incomprehensible calmness" (which may be on purpose) to "complete and total jerk that at times decides to beat his teamates over the head with his astrolabe simply because he's a prick."  To be clear, this is not multiple personalities, it's just emotional states.


Asher

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!!"
Preferred Mount: Whisper A-go-go
Likes: ...
Dislikes:

Meet Asher.  He's...uhh...er...


...yeah, that'll do.



Aleph Rastel

"Give me a break, I -- CATGIRLS!"
Mount:
Likes: Catgirls
Dislikes:

This is Nama's character.  Aleph is a wandering machinist who loves fighting and catgirls.  Needless to say, there is a lot of pain and suffering in his future...



Chunyi Snowpetal

"I'm a woman, trust me!"
Mount: KFC the Chocobo
Likes: Claiming to be a woman, Sake
Dislikes: People not acknowledging the above fact, Wine

This here is another Non-DLer's character.  Chunyi I guess is the closest thing to a "straight man" of the group, other than the fact that Chunyi continually claims to be a woman despite that being of questionable nature.


Salo'wen Kaiench'ka

"Give me an M! E! E! P! E! L! What's that spell? MEEPEL!"
Mount: Magitek Deathclaw
Likes: Meepel
Dislikes: Anything that is anti-Meepel

And the last of the characters (for now) is Salo'wen.  She is Chunyi's wife (...maybe?), and traveling partner.  Yet despite this, she has a complete and obsession with Meepel.  This is due to a number of factors that made her feel detached until she heard of the Warrior of Light, and suddenly became the #1 fangirl of her.  Note this is not a Yandere obsession, just a crazed irrational fangirl.


I'll update this as more characters appear.  Note that lesser personalities of Meepel may appear as well, but I'm not screenshotting all of them; only the primary ones.  Also if a character is introduced and I didn't update, it's because I didn't get the screenshot of them yet.

PS: If people want, I can try to write ARR and HW abridged as well in retrospect, though only Meepel will be in those, not the others who will cause her more inconvenience than anything else.

[Meeplelard]

STORMBLOOD ABRIDGED CHAPTER 1: Meet Meepel


Faize: Wait, why am I here?
Narrator: Because I quit and someone else is going to narrate this story, and since you were the original person who broke the fourth wall and criticized...
Faize: That seems hardly fair...
Narrator: Deal with it.
Faize: *sigh* Fine.  *ahem* So after ending a 1000 year long war by stabbing a Dragon in the face...
P. Meepel: Multiple times I might add!
Faize: HEY! Don't break the fourth wall this early!  Anyway, and then trounced the Warriors of Darkness who threatened to break reality because they were pissed off.
D. Meepel: Nay, they were a dishonorable crew trying to revive gods in order to kill them so people would kill themselves.  They got the rightful JUSTICE!!! they deserved and were...not actually killed, but have to deal with Minfillia...I guess that counts?  Oh, and Alisaie decided to be awesome, a true warriors warrior!
Faize: Ok, you just broke the 4th Wall AND stole part of my narrative! And then with the help of Nero, our heroes unleashed FF5 Omega on FF5 Shinryu, leading fanboys to squee, and there was a lot of war, death and oh yeah, apparently that's where we left off.
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH PUNY SLOPPY MAN!
Faize: ok, screw it, just start the story in the Rising Stones already, this narrative isn't really working.

*in the Rising Stones*
Alphinaud: So, now that we've basically broken down Baelsar's Wall, killed the Griffon, watched a robot fight a giant dragon, named said Dragon, I think it's time we go to Ala Mhigo.
P. Meepel: Sounds good to me.  At least it's not that frozen wasteland that is Ishgard.
D. Meepel: Yeah, but it's probably hot, I need to find proper attire that is both comfortable in the heat, yet not unfitting of a true honorbound hero like myself!
Alisaie: Is she...talking to herself?
Alphinaud: Yes, yes she is.  You'll get use to it in due time, sister.  Anyway, as Scions, we should form a party and head out.  We need volunteers besides myself, so whose in?
Lyse: Me.
Y'shtola: Me.
Krile: Me.
Alisaie: Me.
Alphinaud: Well, that was easy.  I guess Urianger, you stay behind and research primals because that's all you ever do.
Urianger: Got it!
Alphinaud: And I guess Thancred will single handedly defend Eorzea while we're gone?
Thancred: Already defended 5 times in the past 10 minutes!
Alphinaud: I...just...nevermind.  There is one member we still need to address *eyes Meepel*
P. Meepel: ...yes?
Alphinaud: We're going to a foreign land, and the Garlean Empire is there and seeing as you took down a legatus...and multiple gods...and a giant robot meant to kill said gods...a huge Dragon that was the first brood...
P. Meepel: I don't see any of that is relevant...
Alphinaud: What I'm saying is...you're single handedly the most valuable person on the team when fighting off a whole miltiary and we need you, please come?
P. Meepel: ...you're not going to let me say no, are you?
Alphinaud: Not really.
D. Meepel: I guess FOR HONOR, and GLORY, I will go and help defend Eorzea in Ala Mhigo!
Alphinaud: ...I'll take that as a yes, but before we go, let's see how our Doman allies are!

*next room*
Yuigiri: Yeah, we'd love to help but I think we need to check on Doma.  I mean, we did just see a huge dragon fly off in that direction and SOMEONE has to help out.
Gotsetsu: And I had chance to introduce myself, SO MY TIME IS UP FOR NOW!
Alisaie: ...is he drunk?
Yuigiri: I don't think "sober" applies to him ever.

*in Gyr Abania*
Raubahn: Ah, the Scions, excellent.  We've set up camp here. 
Lyse: So what's the situation?
Raubahn: Exactly the same as it was yesterday.  In any event, we need someone to talk to the Ala Mhigans to joining.
Alphinaud: Well that's why we're here!
Raubahn: Yes, but we can't find where they are!
Lyse: I know where they are, leave it to me!

*at a giant freaking rock*
Alphinaud: All I see is a huge boulder.
W. Meepel: Boulder? MEEPEL SMASH GIANT BOULDER!
Y'shtola: Wait, there's no boulder here...that's a glamour to hide the area, isn't it?
Lyse: Exactly right! I will use this Glamour Dispeller to get through it!

*inside the resistance camp*
Conrad: Aha, so you're from the Eorzean Alliance, welcome!
Lyse: It's good to be back, but we have urgent news to as-...
Conrad: You're going to ask us to join, aren't you, or at least an alliance?
Alisaie: Look, can we cut out all the middle stuff and you just say yes so we can get on with this?
Conrad: ...ok, that works.  We're in, but people need a MORALE BOOST before we can be effective.
Alphinaud: Ok, but I'll have nothing to do with that, I need to head back and get people from the Scion base, GOOD DAY!
Alisaie: ...after all that, he just leaves...
P. Meepel: He does that a lot...
Alisaie: I didn't say I was surprised...wait, where did Y'shtola and Krile go?
D. Meepel: Tending the wounded, like any good healer should! SUCH DEDICATION TO THEIR JOB! IT BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE ;_;
W. Meepel: Meepel hate puny garleans.  Meepel want crush Garlean scum!
Alisaie: Well, all we need is a token victory to raise morale...anything our information sources can help with?
M'naago: Well...you see...
Alisaie: WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?
M'naago: ...we've already met though!  I helped at Baelsar's Wall!  It's not fair!
Alisaie: ...I'll take your word for it...
M'naago: ANYWAY, apparently there's some prototype Magitek Armor they want tot est out and we can ambush it.  If we can destroy it ahead of time, it'll be a minor but impactful blow that will sure to help people out!
Alisaie: And we can use the element of surprise, let's go tell Pippin!
P. Meepel: Wait, why Pippin?  Shouldn't we tell his far more capable father?
Alisaie: Look, he needs a chance to prove himself.  I mean, he's a Gladiator despie being a Lalafell, you of all people should respect that...
P. Meepel: Well, can't say you don't have a point...

*Eorzean Alliance Camp*
Pippin: That plan sounds a little too convenient, and will only really work if they have an incompetent leader that we may or may not have run into already.
Alisaie: That's another way of saying "Let's do it" isn't it?
Pippin: Pretty much.
M'naago: Eorzeans have a weird way of using words.
P. Meepel: Well, if you want to be technical, Alisaie is from Sharlya, and Raubahn is from Ala Mhigo and...wait what were we talking about right now?
D. Meepel: We were going to destroy a horrible murder machine to save the lives of many defenseless innocents.
P. Meepel: Oh, right, heroing!

*after many failed attempts due to FF14 Early Access shenanigans I am forced to reference*
Raubahn: Ok, we're in position.
Pippin: Wait, father, when did you get here?
Raubahn: I was always part of this mission!
Alisaie: SHHH! You're going to give away our position.
Grynwald*: Ah, I dinnae this we have any trouble 'bout ere, laddies.  Easy pickins!
Pippin: That giant robot is probably the Magitek Armor.  So what's the best course of...
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH MAGITEK ARMOR!!! *Charges in with a huge freaking axe*
Pippin: ...I guess there's no point in figuring that out now...
Alisaie: Let's just get this over with...

*I forget how you spell his name but going with that for now


*one fight later*
Grynwald: Wut? I b'en bested by the Warrior of Light again!? Blast, Ah'll get ye next time, ye brute!
D. Meepel: A decisive and honorable victory! *whistles the FF Victory theme while doing Cloud's winning stance*
M'naago: Did her axe just turn into a glowing Greatsw-...
Alisaie: Yes, yes it did, and we don't have time to explain that!


*back at Rhalgr's Reach, the resistance camp*
Conrad: Excellent, that should slow them down, but we still need more men!
Lyse: I got an idea, I'll go to my hometown and ask them for help, surely they'll do us a solid!
Meffrid: Can I be important and help too?
Lyse: Sure, why not.  Meepel, you're coming with me too!
P. Meepel: Of course I am, not because I want to, but because literally nothing gets done if I am not there to take action.
Lyse: See, you're catching on!
P. Meepel: Oh don't worry, I figured this out a long time ago...like, around the time I fought Ifrit long ago...on reflection, why haven't I quit again?
D. Meepel: Honor?
P. Meepel: ...eh, sure, why not.

*at Lyse's hometown*
Lyse: Hey guys, LET'S FIGHT THE GARLEANS!
Elder: No.
Lyse: What!? But why?
Elder: Look, while you were busy having fun in Eorzea dancing around and punching things with your sister Yda...
Lyse: Technically, Yda wasn't there much and I was more punching things alongside a bothersome intellectual Lalafell Thaumaturge...
Elder: NOT THE POINT!  Point is, we've lost so much, and living is the best we got, we're not going to throw our lives away.
Lyse: But...
Elder: YOU HAVE NO PLACE HERE DESERTER!
Lyse: You're spineless!
Elder: AND STILL ALIVE!
P. Meepel: So while you two were arguing, I caught wind that a merchant is lost and we should probably go help him.
Lyse: What does that have to do with our quest?
P. Meepel: I dunno, just it's a lot more interesting than hearing you two argue in circles.
D. Meepel: Plus, a helpless soul like may be in trouble! WE MUST MAKE HASTE TO INSURE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS
P. Meepel: And yeah, what she said.
Meffrid: So...can I help on this mission?
Lyse: Sure.
Meffrid: Yay, I can be important!

*one useless quest later*
Meffrid: Was I important?
Lyse: I...oh look, a former friend of mine!
Youth: YOU'RE A JERK!
Lyse: But...
Youth: LOOK AT US! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
P. Meepel: I have no idea what's going on...
D. Meepel: Alas I myself am perplexed...
W. Meepel: Meepel's Head hurts...
Meffrid: Hey, I heard some other guy is in trouble, we should help him!
Lyse: FINE! If it means I don't have to deal with this jerk!

*a quest in a ziggurat later*
Merchant: Thank you, now I need to BRING THESE ILLEGAL OBJECTS OVER QUESTIONABLE TERRITORY!
P. Meepel: This won't go over well, will it?
Lyse: He's going to get himself killed...
D. Meepel: TO RESCUE HIM WE WILL!
Meffrid: Indeed, let's go!

*at the bridge*
Lyse: Are those...Garleans?
Meffrid: Worse, Skulls!
P. Meepel: Are you going to explain what skulls are?
Meffrid: No!

*scene where-in Ala Mhigans who sympathize with Garlea beat up worthless merchant and walk away*
Lyse: That's horrible...
Meffrid: BUt that's the reality.  He's alive, which is lucky for him.
Fordola: I smell something...probably not important, BUT I AM IMPORTANT!
Meffrid: Did I here someone being important!?
Lyse: No, you didn't, let's go back!

*back at the hometown*
Elder: You helped us, thank you, but unfortunately much as we want to help, we simply do not have the man power.  I apologize but we want to, but can't.
Youth: I can.
Elder: WE HAVE NO ONE WHO CAN HELP!
Youth: No, really, I can help you guys.
Elder: MAY THE GODS BE WITH YOU!
Youth: ...yeah, I'm helping you guys.
Lyse: Well, one is better than nothing!

*at Rhalgr's Reach*
Conrad: Well, it seems we have a few more warriors...
P. Meepel: By a few, you mean one...
Conrad: And the empire's forces are dwindled a bit!
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH PUNY SECRET WEAPON!
Conrad: So we can finally make our move, right?
Alisaie: Yes, let's get this battle under way!  We shall plot our next move!
Alphinaud: Plot? Did someone say plot!?
Alisaie: Where...did you come from? How did you get here so fast?
Alphinaud: ...teleporting is a basic magic ability anyone in Eorzea has, sister, why are you surprised?
Alisaie: I dunno, just didn't expect to see you like this.
Alphinaud: Anyway, I brought someone willing to help.
Arevold: I AM AREVOLD! I AM HALF ALA MHIGAN! PLEASURE TO MEET YOU!
Conrad: ...
Alisaie: ...
Lyse: ...
P. Meepel: ...
D. Meepel: SUCH PASSION! SUCH SPIRIT! GLAD TO HAVE YOU ABOARD!
Conrad: So...go tell the Alliance that we're ready to make our move.
Alphinaud: Got it! Let's go tell Raubahn!

*at the Castrum*
Raubahn: Attacking when they least expect it? Ok, sounds good, let's go!

*meanwhile, at Zenos' castle*
Zenos: Ah, the joys of being IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING.  Tell me soldier, what's the status...
Soldier: Well uh...sir...things are as normal...
Zenos: Are you...being useless!?
Soldier: NO sir! By the spikes on your father's spikes I am useful, sir!
Zenos: Ah, good, you are-...wait, are yo mocking my father's fashion sense!?
Soldier: No sir! I did not make fun of the fact that he has too many spikes than should be feasible for someone to wear!
Zenos: That sounds like mockery to me! YOU WILL PAY FOR SUCH INSOLENCE!
*murders soldier*
Fordola: Sir, I have a plan that we can rid the rebels.
Soldier #2: KNOW YOUR PLACE ALA MHIGAN WORM!
Fordola: But sir, I have an ide-...
Soldier #2: YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A PAWN FOR US! BE HONORED WE LET YOU FIGHT ALONGSIDE US, DOG!
Zenos: Calm yourself, this "dog" seems to wish to hunt her own kin, I believe she at least deserves to be humored.
Fordola: Sir! My idea is this!
*fade away*

*at the attack site*
Pippin: Excellent, everything is in range!
P. Meepel: Yes, things are looking good.
Alphinaud: If everything goes well, this should be a decisive blow!
Alisaie: Indeed.  I mean, what could go wrong!?
P. Meepel: ...
Alphinaud: ...
Alisaie: Did I say something wrong?
P. Meepel/Alphinaud: THAT'S THE WORST POSSIBLE THING ANYONE CAN SAY!
Alisaie: I don't know what you-...
*explosion in Rhalgr's Reach*
D. Meepel: Alas! We must quit this attack and aide the resistance! THEY WILL NEED OUR HELP!
Alphinaud: Hate to say it, but she's right.

*at Rhalgr's Reach, battle between Resistance and Garleans*
Meffrid: *kills a Garlean* HA! See!? I'M IMPORTANT!
Fordola: Important you say!? WELL SO AM I!
Meffrid: THEN PROVE YOUR IMPORTANCE TO ME!
Fordola: PERHAPS I WILL! ENGARDE!
*Fordola wins*
Meffrid: NO! I'm suppose to be important *dies*
Lyse: MEFFRID! Traitorous scum, you will pay for this!
Fordola: really? And what are you going to do against someone IMPORTANT LIKE ME!
Lyse: Simply.  Punch you in the face! After all, I'm not just important, I'M A MAIN CHARACTER!!
*cue cool fight scene here*

Zenos: Down, woman!  You clearly are not worthy of fighting a MAIN CHARACTER.
Fordola: I...I...
Zenos: Back down, I will handle this!
Lyse: DIE GARLEAN SCUM!
*she punches Zenos, who blocks all her punches with one hand ala a Shonen Anime Villain*
Zenos: My turn! *knocks Lyse down* And now...you die! *goes for killing blow*
Y'shtola: I GOT THIS! *Barrier*
Zenos: Clever...a magic barrier...BUT IT WON'T BE ENOUGH!
*Barrier shatters, Y'shtola slashed*
Lyse: Y'shtola! NO!!!
Zenos: Oh look, I might have killed her!
Lyse: She can't die, not like this!

*meanwhile, at the entrance*
Alphinaud: Krile! What's going on?
Krile: We were attacked, what do you THINK happened?
Alphinaud: Well, I uhh...
Alisaie: Can we just go in and fight them?
P. Meepel: I agree with the female Lleveliar!
Alphinaud: Ok, so our party consists of me, who is an Arcanist and my Obsidian Carbuncle, that's DPS.  Pippin is a Gladiator, that's a tank, Krile is a Conjurer and...Alisaie, what are you?
Alisaie: I have a sword, what do you think I am?
Alphinaud: But you...don't have a shield...
P. Meepel: Look, I'm a tank too, we can do this with 3 tanks instead of a 2nd DPS, so let's just rush in there ok?
*one awesome single player instanced later*
D. Meepel: We have rescued many a fallen ally! Let us press on and defeat our foes further!
Pippin: Someone please translate that for me?
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH PUNY IMPERIALS!
Pippin: ...fair enough.
*team gets to Lyse who is captured, and rescues her*
Lyse: Conrad and Y'shtola need healing, now! THEY'RE GOING TO DIE!
Krile: On it! Alphinaud, get the old guy.
Alphinaud: Right!
Zenos: All these foes were worthless, but perhaps you 3 will be good.
Pippin: Is he referring to us?
Alisaie: I think so...
P. Meepel: So...we have 3 Gladiators against him...does anyone else find this redundant?
Zenos: You must be bad at math, because I only see ONE Gladiator!
P. Meepel: Oh god, not that cliche...
Alisaie: What are you-*is knocked out by one move, Pippin too*
P. Meepel: ...Ok, I can do this, I've beaten Gods and other crazy things before! ...with a full party of 4 or 8...that consisted of varied fighting styles...aaaah crap...
D. Meepel: Fear not, we can do this! We just need to push through with STRENGTH, HONOR AND-...
*explosion that ends the fight*
D. Meepel: ...I did not forsee such a tactic, you win this round, villain!
P. Meepel: Leave the planning to me next time!
D. Meepel: You had given up hope, do not pretend as though your outcome would be any better!
P. Meepel: And thanks to you, we're going to be feeling sore for at least a week!
D. Meepel: BUT AT LEAST I WENT OUT LIKE A MAN!
P. Meepel: ...but...that...I...you...
W. Meepel: QUIET! MEEPELS NOISY AND MAKING ME ANGRY!
P. Meepel/D. Meepel: YES MA'AM!
Zenos: If you're quite done arguing with yourself...
P. Meepel: NEVER!
D. Meepel: HUSH! Let the vile one speak...
Zenos: I have to say...there is no point in continuing this and...why is my sword broken...screw it, I'm going to use that as an excuse to leave, GOOD BYE!
Alisaie: Why did he leave you alive?
Lyse: No! Y'shtola, don't die!
Krile: SHhh! She'll be fine...kind of...look she needs a doctor, I've done all I can.
Alphinaud: Meanwhile, this old guy is fully healed.
Krile: Wait what? I'm the healer and you healed him better?
Alphinaud: Turns out he wasn't actually injured, just fell asleep...in the middle of the battle...not even sure how he did that...
Conrad: Either way, we've lost, but it seems we need a new approach.
Raubahn: Hmm...Zenos controls both this area and Doma...whcih is across the sea.
Alphinaud: AHA! Meepel, do you know what we need to do!?
P. Meepel: ...I get the feeling you're going to tell me anyway... *actual dialog prompt option*
Alphinaud: Why yes, WE SHOULD GO TO DOMA!
P. Meepel: ...why?
Alphinaud: Well, you see, he rules over there and here so...
P. Meepel: ...go on...
Alphinaud: Someone can't be in two places at once...even for someone as perfect as you that's impossible...
P. Meepel: Oh trust me, I'll find a way, just you wait!
D. Meepel: This is not a time for jest!
P. Meepel: ...who said I was joking?
Alphinaud: EIther way, it'll force them to split their forces, and we attack on two fronts!  Of course we'll need a Scion kept back here to watch over Y'shtola and keep things under control.  Someone smart with high healing capabilities, ideally small so they can get around fast...
Krile: ...look, just say it already.  "Krile, can you please stay behind and handle things here?"  It's faster and less patronizing!
Alphinaud: Er...ok, Krile, can you stay here and help out?
Krile: See, that wasn't so hard! And of course I can.
*The above few lines actually happen*
Alphinaud: IN any event, since it's across the sea, TO LIMSA LOMINSA!!!!

*in Limsa Lominsa*
Alisaie: Ok, brother, I get that this is a port town, but let's be real...WE CAN'T TAKE AN AIRSHIP INTO GARLEAN TERRITORY AND WE CANNOT TAKE AN ARMADA SHIP.
Alphinaud: I know, I kind of didn't think that far in advance...
Lyse: Aren't you the brains of the group?
Alphinaud: Hey, I didn't say I didn't have a plan...
Lyse: Well, do you?
Alphinaud: ...not really, BUT TATARU DOES!
Tataru: Yes, I do!  Meet the leader of the Kraken's Arms, Carvallain!
Alisaie: ...he's a pirate...
Carvallain: Yes, yes I am!
Alisaie: ...why are we trusting a pirate?
Carvallain: Because you have no other option!
Alphinaud: Forgive my sister, she can be a little...blunt...at times.  Look, we need your help, can you offer it?
Carvallain: Yes, yes I can, and I have already been compensated.  Please note I can't take you to Doma, just across the sea to Kugane.
Alphinaud: It's a start, let's do it!  We should first ask our Doman allies to come aboard for some guidance of course...
P. Meepel: Wait, does that mean...no, please, don't tell me you need...
Alphinaud: Meepel, please return to the Rising Stones.
P. Meepel/D. Meepel/W. Meepel: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
*one return later*
D. Meepel: I swear, those words should be considered illegal and justice should be dealt upon anyone who says them as a result!
P. Meepel: I agree.
Alphinaud: Well, let's get going!
Urianger: Hey, I'm in this game, let me do something!
Alphinaud: Er...what do you want to do?
Urianger: I have this cool looking Crystal Rapier for Alisaie.
Alisaie: But I have a cool looking Crystal Sword already!
Urianger: BUt this one is lighter and better suited for you! Let's face it, you're not exactly tanking material.
P. Meepel: Yeah, that's my job!
Uiranger: But this should let you stab things more efficiently, try it out!
Alisaie: ...you neglected to mention the convenient detach-able orb on this that let's me cast magic too...any reason for that?
Urianger: Look just take the rapier and change your fighting style to Red Mage which is how you actually trained.
Alisaie: Right!
Alphinaud: Ok, NOW we can go!

*one boat trip and an overdue filler dungeon later that we don't need to talk about*
Alisaie: Well, here we are.
Lyse: Indeed, but we're still not on the mainland of Othard.
Alphinaud: ok, Pirate, I know you've done what you were paid for, but can you at least answer me a question out of good faith?
Carvalliar: SHoot.
Alphinaud: How would one go about getting to the mainland from here?
Carvalliar: Ask people, you're not the first visitors here trying to get to Doma after all.
Alphinaud: Right, Yuigiri came through here no doubt, let's find details!
Merchant (name eludes me, but he has one): Aha, there you Scions are!
Alphinaud: And who are you?
Merchant: Lolorito sent me.
Alphinaud: GOOD DAY WE ARE LEAVING!
Merchant: Oh COME ON! Are you still upset over the Crystal Braves thing?
Alphinaud: Lolorito is like the single least trustworthy guy ever, I already know this is a bad idea.
Merchant: Can't you at least listen to me?
Alphinaud: Why should I?
Merchant: Because I have important info.  If you come with me, I can tell you...besides, there's spies everywhere.

Faize: And so the Scions end up in Kugane.  Will they join Lolorito?  Will they succeed?  And will Meepel ever get in touch with her Healer side?
P. Meepel/D. Meepel: NO!
Faize: Tune in next time for Stormblood Abridged!
Modify message

[Meeplelard]

EPISODE 2: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE INCOMPETENT!

Ranmaru: AHA! YES! FINALLY I HAVE MY CHANCE OT GET BACK AT SAMANOSUKE!
Narrator: Uh, you're just narrating this episode, nothing more.
Ranmaru: But, My revenge, it's important!
Narrator: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU! Just read the damned script.
Ranmaru: Damn, foiled again! *ahem* So our "hero" and her band of worthless fodder...
P. Meepel: Oh come on! I have at least SOME respect for my allies...except maybe that guy who kept saying he was important...
Ranmaru: All entered the port town of Kugane, where-in they were met by the merchant, GLASSES GUY!
Glasses Guy: Uh, but my name is Hancock...
Ranmaru: AND SO GLASSES GUY, IN HIS ALL KNOWING ABILITY TO BE...
W. Meepel: Narrator. Bad. Finish. Now!
Ranmaru: Awww...fine, you guys are now at your new base in Kugane, HAPPY!?
D. Meepel: Happy? No.  Content? perhaps...


Alphinaud: So...explain the situation again...
Glasses Guy: Well, Lolorito decided he wants to help you in your quest.
Alisaie: ...why?
Glasses Guy: Because he's totally a good and honest citizen!
P. Meepel: There is not a single word in that statement that comes close to being true...except maybe the "citizen" part and even I question if he's a citizen.
W. Meepel: Short mustache man member of syndicate.  Need citizen for that.
P. Meepel: ...or just lots of money...
W. Meepel: Paladin have point.
Glasses Guy: ...ok, fine, he finds the situation mutually beneficial for you and himself, and thus supports you for that reason.
Alisaie: And how does that help him?
Alphinaud: Oh, I see!  He wants to open a trade route in the east, and get beyond Kugane, but with the Garleans there, it limits his trading routes.  So by supporting us, he hopes we can chase them out and he can expand his co-operate empire.
D. Meepel: I don't know what is more despicable.  The fact that he is so evil and greedy, or the fact that we are unable to justify taking him in due to how he aids us in our important world saving quest.
Glasses Guy: Yeah well...anyway, some big guy and a ninja dragon girl came by here too, say they were associated with the Scions...
Alisaie: Sounds like Gosetsu and Yugiri.
Lyse: Yes, let's find them!
P. Meepel: ...and by "let's" you mean "me" don't you?
Lyse: I mean, we have full intention of helping...
P. Meepel: And yet, I get the feeling I'm going to be the only productive one here...can we take it easy first though?
Alphinaud: Well we can't do anything for a little since the ship is currently not here yet...
Alisaie: When did you learn that?
Alphinaud: Analysis and observations, my good sister!
Alisaie: More like you're coming up with excuses...
R. Meepel: LIKE OMG!? WE GET TO CHECK AROUND THIS AREA?! The shopping must be so awesome! I can't wait to see all the cool sales and stuff going on!
Lyse: ...
Alphinaud: ...
Alisaie: ...
Glasses Guy: Did she...just completely change personalit-...
Alphinaud: Yes, yes she did...except this is a side of her I've never seen and I've been traveling with her for quite some time!
P. Meepel: Oh, hey guys, let me introduce you to Red Mage.
D. Meepel: She's but young, inexperienced, but quite talented with magic and swordplay!  As a passage of rights for growing up, we feel it is best she gets a chance to express herself!
W. Meepel:  Careful.  Red Mage delicate.
R. Meepel: Like, so nice to meet you guys!
Lyse: ...I just have one question for you...
R. Meepel: Yeah?
Lyse: If you're a Red Mage, why are you wearing blue?
R. Meepel: Because Blue is soooooo much prettier than red! Like I spent 6 hours on the market board trying to find the right dye for this outfit, and you can't believe how overpriced some of this stuff is.  Seriously, 100,000 gil for one dye of storm blue dye? Like, later!
Alphinaud: Well, she certainly seems full of...life...but anyway, we can shop but let's try to keep an eye out for leads, shall we?

*a shopping spree by Red Mage, an arm wrestling match by Warrior, lots cries of justice and heroism by Dark Knight, and many facepalms by Paladin later*

Lyse: So...any leads?
Alisaie: Well, based on what I can tell, everyone seems to have seen Gosetsu but not Yugiri.
P. Meepel: Hate to say it, but I got the same details here.
D. Meepel: Nay, nothing on my end here.
W. Meepel: Me feel useless.
R. Meepel: Seriously, these people are SOOOOOO last expansion!
Freaky Fish Man: Did you say you're looking for a big guy and an Au Ra?
P. Meepel: ...no, actually, we didn't, but we are looking for them and it's in no way suspicious that you somehow knew that...
Alisaie: May be worth listening to him.
Freaky Fish Man: Don't worry, I know where they are, but I can only tell you AT NIGHT AT THE DOCKS because there are people everywhere.
Lyse: Ok, sure, let's go back to base about this.

*at base*
Glasses Guy: ...you got information from a fish guy...you realize they're basically the mafia of this place yet?
Lyse: Oh, yes, it's definitely a trap, I know THAT.  What do you think I am? Stupid?
P. Meepel: To be fair, until about two weeks ago, we all thought you were a total ditz who couldn't tell her left arm from her right...
Lyse: Hey, that was just me pretending to be my sister...AND DON'T TALK ABOUT MY SISTER THAT WAY!
Alphinaud: Anyway, it's worth investigating on the off chance he tells the truth.
Alisaie: And if he's lying and it's a trap?
Alphinaud: We spring the trap, bring the guy back here, and interrogate him for any information we might know.
Alisaie: Ok, but you better have a plan?
Alphinaud: I do!  You three meet him on the docks, I'll watch from a distance to make sure nothing goes wrong.
P. Meepel: So you're sending 3 ladies out in the middle of a night to deal with what is basically a mob or drug dealing while you, the only male among us, are going to watch from a safe distance in case something goes wrong?  Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable about this?
Glasses Guy: But...I'm a guy...
R. Meepel: No one cares about you, like, duh?
P. Meepel: ANYWAY, like I was saying...
Alphinaud: Well, if anyone could spring a trap and still win, and make the person look like a total fool, I think your record speaks for itself.   Heck, I was looking at your resume and you literally wrote "Practically Perfect" as a talent.
P. Meepel: Well, I am practically perfect, so why wouldn't I write that?
Alphinaud: ...not arguing that, just emphasizing the situation!

*at the docks*
Freaky Fish Guy: Ah, so you 3 came, nice pretty ladies!
R. Meepel: Ugh, he's so ugly and disgusting, can we get this over with? Just being by him is ruining my dress!
D. Meepel: Hush young one, let him speak!
Freaky Fish Guy: Anyway about your friends...GET THEM GARLEANS!
Alisaie: ...well can't say I saw that coming.
Lyse:  I thought we all agreed this was a trap.
Alisaie: we did...I just didn't expect THIS kind of trap.
*the girls beat up the Garleans*
R. Meepel: OMG! ALISAIE! YOU'RE A RED MAGE TOO!? That's SO COOL! We totally need to see whose better at it!
Alisaie: ...maybe later.
D. Meepel: Now to bring JUSTICE down on this despicable creature.
Freaky Fish Guy: HA! YOU'LL NEVER GET ME AL-...
Lyse: I got this.
*kicks the fish guy really damned hard, and they catch him on her shoulder...this actually happens in the story, I did not make that up*
Alisaie: Ok, that's covered, but it seems people are roaming the streets trying to get us.  We need to sneak past them without getting caught.
P. Meepel: I know someone who can help us!
Alisaie: ...ok, but how can get to him or her?
P. Meepel: Trust me, I got this covered. *ahem*Hey Ninja!
N. Meepel: *holds a sign saying "Yes"*
P. Meepel: yeah, I don't ask you for much but we need some stealth, pronto!
N. Meepel: *holds a sign saying "Got this!"*
*one Metal Gear sequence later*
R. Meepel: I still can't believe Ninja goes out in public looking like that!  Seriously, I wouldn't be caught dead walking around in that outfit.
D. Meepel: While I am not one to critique fashion, it is true that her outfit is a bit of disgrace.
Alphinaud: Personally, I think it's fine! Nothing wrong with our Warrior of Light showing off a little sk-*Lyse and Alisaie smack Alphinaud* OW!  Anyway, this turtle guy is going to lead is out!
Turtle Man: Yeah, just follow me.  And yes, I've been debriefed on your friends uncanny ability to argue with herself.
P. Meepel: WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?
D. Meepel: No time for that, sister, TROUBLE IS AFOOT!

*back at the new HQ*
Alphinaud: So, we have the fish guy tied up, and we will interrogate him.  But first let me introduce you to our helpful turtle man, Soroban!
W. Meepel: Me not know what turtle man is.
Turtle Man: Ah fair to ask!  I am what you call a Kojin, and based off discussing with your friend, it seems you Eorzeans would call us a "Beast Tribe."
Alisaie: Ok, fair enough, but why did you help us?
Soroban: Out of the goodness of my heart and my will of justice!
D. Meepel: YES! Speak brother! For you and I are of like minds, JOIN ME!
Soroban: ...is what I'd like to say, but in truth my reasons as basically I want to expand my business into Kugane and better to get friendly connections than make enemies
D. Meepel: ...I take back everything I just said...
Lyse: Ok, but I heard Kojin were allied with the Garleans already...
Soroban: Sort of.  See, those are the RED Kojin, they're just jerks who like to hurt people so aiding the empire helps.  I'm a BLUE Kojin, we simply wish to have a nice peaceful business exchange.
Glasses Guy: AHA! You should meet my master, Lolorito!  He could hook you up with some excellent business opportunities!
Soroban: YES THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!
Alphinaud: We have more important things to talk about...
R. Meepel: Yes, like why are you a Blue Kojin? Like, I dunno about you, but I know a lot about color schemes and your skin is TOTALLY green.
P. Meepel: This coming from the Red Mage who refuses to wear anything we buy her that isn't dyed blue...
Soroban: Anyway, I leave you to your devices, I must discuss my business endeavours with this honorable GLASSES GUY right here!
Glasses Guy: but my name is Hanco-...
Soroban: Let us go, GLASSES GUY!

*one interrogation later, which involved a lot of Alphinaud saying smart things, Lyse and Alisaie being good cop/bad cop, and W. Meepel threatening his life with an axe to the face, I'll let you decide which method got the information out of him*

Alphinaud: Ok, to sum it up, like everyone else, he's only seen Gosetsu, and not Yugiri, he was just doing that to bait us into a trap...
Alisaie: That we fell for hook line and sinker...
P. Meepel: Wasn't that the whole point of everything we just did?
Alisaie: I'm just saying!
Alphinaud: And it seems Gosetsu was arrested and thrown in jail nearbye. 
Lyse: So basically we need to rescue him...
P. Meepel: And by we you mean...
Alisaie: ALL OF US.  She means ALL OF US.  We're all going, ok?!

*at prison*
P. Meepel: It occurred to me...do we actually have a plan to get him out of this?
Alphinaud: I was thinking diplomatic leverage and somehow using Lolorito connections to scare them into listening...
Alisaie: I don't think that'll work here...
Alphinaud: YOu don't know til you try!
Lyse: Perhaps we should find him first.  Anyone know where to start looking?
*sound of a guy getting beat up*
Lyse: ...yeah, that'll do...
*at what appears to be a small battlefield, Gosetsu standing there over a defeated warrior*
Referee: And the winner is Gosetsu of Doma!  That's 10 victories in a row.
Gosetsu: And with my 10th, I AM NOW FREE!  That was the deal was it not?
Warden: Fine, you can go.
Gosetsu: HA! I had full faith in my abilities, no one can beat-*sees the Scions* Oh hey, it's my friends, what are you doing here?
P. Meepel: Well we came to rescue you...but that seems to have been a waste of time since we can't rescue you from your own freedom...
D. Meepel: Or CAN WE!?
P. Meepel: ...you're seriously going to consider how to do that, aren't you?
D. Meepel: If there is an act of heroism I do not know of yet, it is worth exploring in great detail!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, have fun with that...
Alphinaud: Ok, let's continue this conversation back at base.

*at base*
Gosetsu: So you're looking for Yugiri and myself?  Well, Yugiri already left for the mainland, in search for LORD HIEN.  I stayed behind to gather information and well...you know...
P. Meepel: How did she did get to the mainland?
Gosetsu: I don't know.
Glasses Guy: Probably made a deal with the confederates, they own the area between here and the mainland known as the Ruby Sea.
Alphinaud: Perhaps they could assist us in getting across.  We should bargain with them.
Glasses Guy: Well we can get you to the Ruby Sea, but once there, you're on your own.
P. Meepel: That sounds like unnecessary padding...
R. Meepel: Wait, are we going to the beach!? OMG, I need a new swimsuit and some lotion, I can't let my skin and scales burn!
Alisaie: Wait, Au Ra can get sunburns on their scales?
R. Meepel: Like, of course! It's so annoying too!
P. Meepel: We're going for business, not for pleasure.  Maybe after we save the world...again...we can hang out there...
D. Meepel: Personally, I prefer to fight off the beasts to help the locals in the most glorious fashion!
W. Meepel: Me want Gold Saucer.  Make Astrologian Happy.
R. Meepel: NO WAY! We're going to the beach when the world is saved! NOT FAIR!
P. Meepel: Ok, we'll save the world first, then we'll decide how we spend the leisure later, OK!?
Glasses Guy: Oh, speaking of saving the world, I need to introduce you to your latest allies!
P. Meepel: Why are you pointing at me specifically!?
Glasses Guy: Because you're the one who is going to have to deal with them.  Anyway, these group of adventurers have...let's say community service...and really only assisting in saving the world will absolve them of their...ah...screw ups.  So may I present to you, Warrior of Light, your new "friends."
P. Meepel: ...I hate this already...
D. Meepel: Friends and comrades in a journey to save the world!? How can we say no!?
P. Meepel: ...and I knew you'd disagree with me too...

Glasses Guy: So the first person I would like to introduce you to is this Mi'qote, William Bluelike.
William: When one greets another, it is not the person who gets greeted, but the greeting itself that meets and exchanges!
P. Meepel: ...am I suppose to understand him?
Glasses Guy: Not when he's calm.  The more stressed he gets, the more logical he gets...
P. Meepel: Ok, so what did he do?
Glasses Guy: Well, see, the more stressed he gets, the more he tends to neglect his comrades...on purpose...
P. Meepel: what do you mean?
William: The tale that is about to be said is not simply a tale of understanding, but the truth of life itself!
*flashback*

Generic Tank: William, I'm dying here, CAST HEALING!
William: Your problem, not mine.
Generic Tank: No seriously, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!
William: Eh, you can handle it.
Random Tank: Oh geez for the love of god why aren't you HEALING ME?!
William: You're level 60 and we're going through Sunken Temple of Qarn.  If you are having issues here, then you fail at life.
Random Tank: WE'RE SYNC'D! LEVEL IS MEANINGLESS! BEES! MY GOD!!! *Dies as a result of fatal sting*
William: See?  Fails at life.

*flash forward*
P. Meepel: So...he's a healer...and a useless one.  What's that gauge above him?
Glasses Guy: That's his stress meter.  The higher it is, the more stressed he is.   Currently he's in a crafting state so it's fairly low.
P. Meepel: Well, this isn't going over well. 
D. Meepel: Nay, but we must put faith in our comrades!  Who is the next one?
Glasses Guy: Ok, so your next companion is Quinn Winago.  She's...ah...
Quinn: Better than you and you know it!  I'm the prettiest person here and that's a fact.
R. Meepel: As if!
Quinn: Are you challenging my claim!?
R. Meepel: Like, totally! I'm so much prettier than you!  And my outfit looks waaay better!  Besides, swords are so much cooler than staves.  I can stab things and throw magic, you can't do that.
Quinn: Now listen here, girl!  You'll respect me or eat a fireball to the face you hear that, you stupid blackhorn!
P. Meepel: What...did she just call me?
D. Meepel: She called us a Black...
P. Meepel: I KNOW, it was a rhetorical question...
Glasses Guy: Yeah...while it may not seem like much, she's a bit...ah...
Quinn: God, you black horned Xaela trash are all the same!  Self Righteous jerks who think because they have darker scales than everyone they can do whatever they want.  I can't believe I have to take orders from one of you!
P. Meepel: Ok, first off, none of us are Self Righteous except for maybe Dark Knight.
D. Meepel: Truer words have never been spoken!
P. Meepel: And secondly, you really don't want to be on my bad side...or at least, Warrior's bad side.
W. Meepel: Me no like Quinn.
R. Meepel: Yeah, she's totally not getting invited to my party next week! But what did she do wrong besides being so mean?
Glasses Guy: Well...

*flashback*
Generic Healer: Ok, Quinn, the adds! KILL THEM!
Quinn: But...my make up smeared! I can't cast magic without looking my absolute best!
Generic Healer: QUINN! PLEASE KILL THE MONSTERS!
Quinn: Just a few minutes, putting on my eyeliner!

*return*
Glasses Guy: Yeah, as a result, here's her makeup kit to avoid that happening again.
R. Meepel: OMG CAN I USE IT!?
P. Meepel: No, it's not your color anyway.
R. Meepel: ...yeah, you're probably right.  My make up is so much higher quality than the brand she uses.
Quinn: ...I swear I'm going to kill her..
Glasses Guy: YOur 3rd companion will be Natia Ravenclaw.
Natia: Greetings to meet you.
D. Meepel: Well met, fine warrior.  What brings you here?
Natia: Well, mostly I need money after the incident that occurred.  One could say it was a golden opportunity!
D. Meepel: Ah yes, no finer reward than to save those and see the smiles of rescued citizens, such as facing off a dragon's firery breath head on and coming out victorious!
Natia: That's hot!
D. Meepel: INDEED! So was my adventures in defeating Shiva...
P. Meepel: Technically, that was me...
D. Meepel: ...and our journey through Coerthas, facing the harsh cold yetis and mammoths!
Natia: Yeah, Coerthas' monsters sure send CHILLS down your spine!
D. Meepel: And facing off against Ramuh again, empowered like before! THE THRILL OF BATTLE AND VICTORY!
Natia: Shocking isn't it?
P. Meepel: Er...I think the better question is why he's in trouble and in debt?
Glasses Guy: Glad you asked!

*flashback*
Generic Bard: Ok, I know it may seem enticing, but I should warn you that most chests in this dungeon are mimics and the rewards are not worth it, so I propose we...wait where did Natia go?
Natia: Hey guys...I could use some help.
Generic Bard: what did you-*looks and sees about 100 mimics* YOU WERE GONE FOR 20 SECONDS HOW DID ACTIVATE THAT MANY MIMICS!?
Natia: ...efficiency?

*return*
P. Meepel: Are any of you getting a sense of dread within our new allies?
W. Meepel: We fine.  Do well by ourselves.
P. Meepel: Eh, fair enough.
Glasses Guy: And last and...well, probably least, all things considered, I introduce you to your latest...uhh...guy...Asher.
Asher: BEHOLD! IT IS I, THE MOST AWESOME PERSON EVER! MY AWESOMESS IS SO AWESOME THAT YOU CANNOT FATHOM THE AWESOME THAT IS AWESOMESNESS THAT IS-*explosion*
P. Meepel: ...I'm surprised Black Mage was listening to all that...
D. Meepel: I think he's dead...
R. Meepel: And I can't cast Verraise yet to heal him!
Asher: *as a slightly charred version of himself*  AHA! It takes more than that to take down the mighty ASHER! Nothing can stop the power of these ABS!
P. Meepel: ...why is he pointing at his feet?
Asher: Don't you see? My muscles are so great, even my feet has abs!
W. Meepel: Me no see abs on feet...
Asher: THAT'S HOW SPECTACULAR THEY-*gunshot*
P. Meepel: ...and it seems he pissed off Machinist too.
D. Meepel: Is our comrade going to be alright?
William: When Asher is but killed, it is not death that occurs, but more life.  For it is in life that the logic disappears!
Natia: One could say your shot was DEAD ON!
P. Meepel: ...he's going to just jump back up again isn't he...
Asher: INDEED! For where there is truth, there is al-*giant spears appears in his backside*
R. Meepel: OMG, when did Dragoon throw that?
P. Meepel: I don't think she did...
Lyse: I"m wondering how she hit his back when was clearly facing forward...
Alphinaud: At this rate, he's going to get himself killed before we even leave.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!! *is impaled on a giant stone slab*
Wh. Meepel: That'll shut him up ^_^
P. Meepel: ...yes, thank you White Mage.  Anyway, I guess we should prepare to go.
Alisaie: indeed...and by we I mean Alphinaud isn't coming with us.
Alphinaud: Wait what!? Why not!?
Alisaie: Because you're much better at strategy and desk work than actual combat...also you can't swim...
Alphinaud: ...damn it, you're right.

Ranmaru: AND SO, MEEPEL IS JOINED BY HER NEW CANON FODDER AND...why am I suddenly bleeding out in a potentially lethal fashion?
Narrator: Yeah it was agreed we needed to just cut you off, so we decided to do so...literally
Ranmaru: HA! YOU CAN'T STOP ME! I'M THE MIGHTY RANMAR-*dies of blood loss*
Narrator: As i said, nobody cares about you.

[Meeplelard]

EPISODE 3: THE ASHER DEATH COUNTER STARTS HERE

Ludger: ...
Narrator: Now don't give me that.
Ludger: -_-
Narrator: Just read the script.
Ludger: ...what?
Narrator: You heard me.
Ludger: *sighs, just points to the scene and moves on*
Narrator: ...cheapstake...

Alphinaud: Ok, so before you girls head out...
William: Can a group be considered "girls" when two such members are not of the female breed of...
Alphinaud: ...ANYWAY, I think it's key we go over the game plan once again.
P. Meepel: How can we go over it "again" when this is the first time you're mentioning it?
Alisaie: I thought by now you know to just indulge my brother when he gets like this...
P. Meepel: I do, but that doesn't mean I won't complain about it.
Alphinaud: ...as I was saying, according to Glasses Guy here...
Glasses Guy: My name is Hanc-...
Alphinaud: GLASSES GUY told me that the Ruby Sea, which is what you need to cross to get to the mainland of Othard, is ruled by the Confederacy...
Lyse: And the Confederacy is...
Alphinaud: Basically Pirates who are also Capitalists, with political power.
D. Meepel: Alas, this sounds like a corrupt group of individuals we dare not cross...
Alphinaud: Unfortunately, we're going to need to get their permission to cross.  Otherwise, we have to deal with Garlean Empire.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *axe in his backside*
Quinn: There, I did you all a favor, YOU HAPPY!?
P. Meepel: That...was completely unnecessary actually.
W. Meepel: Meepel want SMASH imperial heads in!
Alisaie: In due time, we will but for now, let us head off to the Ruby Sea!

*boat ride later, they land in the port at the edge of the Ruby Sea*

Confederacy Leader Guy: Ah, people from Eorzea, welcome! I am Tansui, what brings you here?
Alisaie: We need to cross the Ruby Sea.  Can we?
Tansui: Well I  don't have a problem with that.
P. Meepel: Wait seriously? You're just going to say "Sure, head on out" no strings attached?
Tansui: I said I don't have a problem, but those Imperials and Red Kojin allies of theirs might be problematic. 
D. Meepel: Ah, villainous scum in our way.  I revel in the chance to do battle with them and bring their vile ways to justice.
Asher: YES! BEHOLD OUR GLORIOUS OUTSTANDING AMAZING PROWESS ON THE BATTLEFIELD!  FOR YOU SEE, I, ASHER, HERO OF THE 12TH SUN OF-*gets hit in the head by a large wooden beam*
Generic Confederacy Dude: Oops, sorry about that, working on fortifying the place, didn't see you there.
R. Meepel: I have to say, this beach is totally not my style.  Totally prefer Costa Del Sol to this weak place.
Lyse: So why don't you do something about them?  Doesn't the Confederacy rule over the Ruby Sea?
Tansui: Yeah, that's a great idea! Just like the Doman's rule over Doma right now and totally overthrew the Empire!
Gosetsu: ...that was a low blow and you know it.
Tansui: Truth hurts!
William: There is but a bigger question one must inquire about the situation at hand.
P. Meepel: What's that?
William: *Stress levels +70* WHY THE FUCK DID WE LAND ON A VOLCANO OF ALL PLACES SERIOUSLY!? There's so many safe islands you chose the VOLCANO to set up camp!?
Asher: BECAUSE VOLCANO'S ARE MANLIER! ONLY A MAN'S MAN CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND THE MERITS OF A VOLCA-*gets hit by the same exact 2x4 from the same exact generic guy*
Natia: Wow Asher, I didn't know masculinity was so hot!
Quinn: Well, it's obviously not. I mean, being a man requires not being me after all, and we all know that I'm the-...
R. Meepel: Before you even think about saying it, I totally can shoot you with a jolt spell and ruin your make up, and I still have your make up kit so you won't be able to fix it easily.
Quinn: What the hell? Why would you threaten me?
R. Meepel: Because it's fun, duh?
Quinn: ...how much more do I have to put up with you again.
P. Meepel: Long enough that you'll know that if you try to do something to her, you'll regret it.
Quinn: Pfft, as if she can actually hurt me.
W. Meepel: *grabs axe* Me say otherwise.
Quinn: ...you win this round...
Natia: Besides, that Jolt spell might lighten up the mood a bit!
Alisaie: ...anyway, this isn't hard to figure out.  We simply deal with our aggressors, and find a way to get safe passage.
P. Meepel: ...ok, let me get this out of the way with NOW.  I know that I'm driven by the divine hand of Hydaelyn himself (...and best friends with a city sized dragon who could totally kick any first brood's ass...), as well as a professional Deity Slayer, but we all know that I can't handle all of that, so "Solution: Let the Warrior of Light handle it" IS NOT WHAT WE'RE DOING!?
Alisaie: ...I wasn't going to suggest it?
P. Meepel: I have to be on the safe side ok?
D. Meepel: You may still make use of our HEROIC DEEDS nonetheless of course!
Tansui: Yeah, not happening.
Alisaie: Anyway...Soroban, are there any Green Kojin...
Soroban: Actually we're blue...
Alisaie: GREEN KOJIN who live here that might be able to help us?
Soroban: We don't fight, we're just merchants!
Quinn: So you're useless, good to know!  Good bye!
*Quinn attempts to walk off, but then Warrior grabs her and shoves her back in*
Quinn: damn it, why can't I leave?
R. Meepel: Seriously, you need to get some like patience, Quinn; your make hair isn't going to get any worse just standing here.
Quinn: Well duh! I mean, my hair is always perfect!
R. Meepel: More like a lost cause...
Quinn: Don't test me!
*Lyse pushes Quinn aside*
Lyse: ANyway, Soroban, you seem to have more to say!
Soroban: Well, we can't fight but we can possibly provide you with some tools necessary to move on, LET'S GO TO THE KOJIN CAMP!
P. Meepel: Sounds good, where is that?
Soroban: We need to take a boat to a dock so we can take another boat to the place we can dive.
P. Meepel: ...why do we need to take 2 boats?  Can't we go directly there?
Soroban: No.

*one boat trip later that Paladin is not fond of because it's a complete waste of time, the team reaches a town*
P. Meepel: Excuse me, I think I need to vomit...
Quinn: HA! The tough Paladin girl can't handle a bit of sea sickness? Proof I am better than you!
Natia: I think we all Sea that!
William: The natural order of things suggest that boats are, in fact, the natural enemy of all things that are not fond of boats, for it is not the boat itself that harms you, but the sickness and imbalances that follow that cause the most pain!
Lyse: ...I don't think there's a single logical translation of what he just said...
Quinn: Anyway, due to this current situation, I nominate myself as leader of the current par-*gets kicked into the Ruby Sea*
W. Meepel: Quinn need shut up.
R. Meepel: OMG THAT WAS SO COOL WARRIOR! I need to take notes, it'll be funny watching her try to fix her hair after that.
Quinn: *from below the docks* I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!
Gosetsu: Say, what's going on over there?

*at a town nearbye*
Evil Lady Woman: Now listen here, PEASANTS, YOU WILL DO AS I SAY OR YOU WILL SUFFER.
Peasant #1: Why should I-*is shot*
Evil Lady Woman: I didn't say talk.
Peasnt #2: Ok what do you want me to d-*is shot*
Evil Lady Woman: I DIDN'T SAY TALK!
Imperial Soldier: Uh, Ms. Yotsuyu...
Yotsuyu: Ahem, WHAT did you call me?
Imperial Soldier: Oh, sorry.  *Ahem* ALMIGHTY VICEROY LADY SUPREME GODDESS AMONG MEN, TURTLES AND WOLVES, Your Ladyship Yotsuyu...
Yotsuyu: That's better.
Imperial Soldier: It doesn't really benefit us to kill off random civillians...I mean, we need manual labor.
Yotsuyu: Fine, ok, I'll just torture them some other way.  Hey you over there.
Peasant #3: Yes?
Yotsuyu: How can you be useful exactly?
Peasant #3: I can...uhh...fight?
Yotsuyu: Have you ever killed anyone?
Peasant #3: No?
Yotsuyu: Good, we cna change that now. Kill those two old people over there with this gun.
Peasant #3: But...they're my parents!
Yotsuyu: I don't see how that's my problem.
Peasant #3: Mom...dad...I...I...
Yotsuyu: You kill them or I kill you.
Imperial Soldier: Uhh...Your Supremeness, that...
Yotsuyu: I can have him shoot you instead!
Imperial Soldier: ...nevermind.


*meanwhile, back with our heroes at the same time*
P. Meepel: So...that's the Viceroy that you neglected to tell us about?
Tansui: Yeah, she's apparently a former Doman who has sold her soul to the imperials and is now given power but really just a dog herself.
Natia: She sounds like a real bitch!
Gosetsu: No, that would be the Lupin in Doma.
Quinn: Oh god, it's contagious...
D. Meepel: Perhaps we should do something about this.  That lady over there is not a kind fellow and probably should be brought forth to justice.
P. Meepel: Are you seriously suggesting we attack a HEAVILY GUARDED IMPERIAL OFFICIAL right now?
D. Meepel: ...maybe?
P. Meepel: ...sometimes, I like the way you think.
Tansui: Not here you aren't.
P. Meepel/D. Meepel: Awwww....
Quinn: Well, she has style at least (and besides, she's basically the coolest person I've met thus far! Far better than that stupid blue dressed black horn.)
R. Meepel: I heard that, Quinn~
Quinn: Wait what!? No, you CAN'T read my minds
R. Meepel: Well, yeah I can't, but I can hear your incredibly loud whispers.
Quinn: Just die already, please?
R. Meepel: Now that's like totally mean, Quinn! Who do you think I am, Asher?
Asher: INDEED! FOR I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO BEARS THIS NAME! I SHALL SINGLE HANDEDLY SAVE THE POOR MAIDEN  AND BECOME THE HERO THAT EORZEA AND THE GREAT TOWERS OF DRALKNOR REQUIRE ME TO BE!
P. Meepel: Uh, the person in trouble is male, so I don't think you'll be saving any fair maidens...
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *he charges in and manages to slip and drown in 6 inch deep water*
W. Meepel: Asher dead again.
William: Auto-life in 3...2...1...
Lyse: So perhaps we should focus on the problem at hand and figure out what to do here.
Alisaie: Well, we could charge in and deal with this first hand...
D. Meepel: Yes, let's do that!
Alisaie: Or...we could weigh in our options and...
Lyse: SCREW THAT! I'M GOING TO SAVE THEM NOW!!!
P. Meepel: Damn it, she's stealing my gig!
Quinn: Good, maybe she'll die and that'll be one less person I have to deal with.
Alisaie: Quinn...
Quinn: Yes?
Alisaie: ...shut up.

*at the village*
Peasant #3: Sorry MOm...dad...
Yotsuyu: Yes, GIVE INTO YOUR COWARDICE! KILL YOUR FAMILY!
Lyse: Or, you know, DON'T! *Punches out the IMperial Soldier*
Yotsuyu: And who are you?
Lyse: You're a horrible woman and must be stopped.
Yotsuyu: You and what army?
Lyse: Me and...I rushed in without making sure the others were behind me, didn't I?
Yotsuyu: Indeed.  Ok, Peasant, SHOOT HER.
Gosetsu: WAIT! Don't shoot her, TAKE ME INSTEAD.
Yotsuyu: Oh wait...you're...yes, YOU WILL MAKE A FINE PRIZE...SHOOT HIM!
Peasant #3: I...uhh...
Gosetsu: Look, bullets won't hurt me, shoot me!
Peasant #3: Uh, it's a gun, YES IT WILL.
Gosetsu: Nonsense, I'm manly enough that I can take it.
Asher: INDEED! FOR ONLY THE IMPECCABLE PECS OF PECNESS CAN TAKE IT.  I SHALL BE THE HUMAN SHIELD THAT ABSORBS THE-*is shot*
Peasant #3: OH GOD! I PANICKED AND I SHOT YOUR FRIEND.  How can you ever forgive me?!
P. Meepel: Don't worry about it.
Peasant #3: No, you don't understand, I killed a guy!
R. Meepel: Like, seriously, it's not a big deal...
Peasant #3: I can't live with myself, OH GOD!
W. Meepel: How long this time?
William: *Checks watch* When the sun reaches the moon and...
Asher: *revives* AN IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY OF MARKSMANSHIP!!!
William: ...3 seconds later...
Natia: Aint that a shot in the arm...
P. Meepel: BUt he was shot in the-...nevermind.
Gosetsu: Nevermind that, my dear peasant, I SHALL TAKE YOUR PLACE! TAKE ME! Wouldn't you want a FORMER COMMANDER of the Doman Army?!
Yotsuyu: Ok, sure, sounds good to me!  I'll be back to torture these worthless peasants some other day.  I'm bored now anyway.
*Yotsuyu, the imperials and Gosetsu, now in custody, leave*
P. Meepel: ...and now we have to save him again don't we?
D. Meepel: Aye.
Alisaie: Unfortunately, much as I would prefer moving on without him, he is kind of the only chance we have at getting anything done once we reach Othard.
Lyse: So...how should we progress from here?
W. Meepel: Confederacy know stuff.
Alisaie: Yeah, sure, let's talk to them.
*back at the Confederacy ship*

Tansui: No.
Alisaie: Wait what?
Tansui: I know what you're going to ask, and we are NOT rushing the empire.  We have nothing to gain from this.
Quinn: Wait...I just realized...CRAP! I should have volunteered to get taken in so I could spend more time with her!  Would be so much better than spending time with you peasants.
R. Meepel: Hey Quinn, quick question?
Quinn: What, you little ****?
R. Meepel: Would you like to spend the next 5 minutes talking to Warrior?
Quinn: No, I would not, why would I-*sees a giant axe* ...oh god damn it...
*off screen Quinn pain occurs while conversation continues*
Natia: That's a smashing conversation if I've ever seen one.
Lyse: Ok, look, we aren't asking you to save our friend, we just need some advice for how to go about doing it.
Tansui: Ok, I'd LIKE to help but I'm not sure I'm allowed to, you'll have to ask the boss!
Alisaie: Ok, where is your boss?
Big Guy Standing Next to Tansui: Ahem, that'd be me, I'm Rasho.
Alisaie: ...how convenient that the guy we need to speak to is right here...
Rasho: In any event, you clearly do not understand how the Confederacy works!
P. Meepel: No, we really don't.  I mean, you didn't do anything to help those poor citizens that were in trouble or anything.
D. Meepel: Sister, you sound awfully more concerned about the well being of others than usual, are you ill?
P. Meepel: First off, stop calling me sister!  Secondly, just because I don't share your...enthusiasm...about heroism doesn't mean I'm a jerk to everyone ok?  I have basic morals and ethics.
Natia: Yeah, and besides, the horrible person quota is completely covered in Quinn over there...who William probably should get to tending the wounds of, lest she get axed out of the party before we even start the next dungeon.
William: It is not the axe that removes the corpse, but the blood loss that follows.
Lyse: ...you're being confusing on purpose, aren't you?
William: Confusion is not a state of mind, but a state of words, words made from letters of the mouth that lead to an end-...
P. Meepel: Yeah, I'm just going to cut you off there, and get back to the actual important stuff...like why not tell us the basics of the Confederacy standards?
Rasho: Well, simply put, we believe one must remove yourself from all ties of men, and become ingrained in nothing but your work! One must remove yourself from the enemies and friends alike, and treat all like equals.
P. Meepel: So basically, "**** people, money and business is all that matter" did I get that right?
Rasho: Pretty much.
Alisaie: I have a proposal, actually.
Rasho: Oh?
Alisaie: What if we perhaps loosen up one of the two aggressive forces, namely the Red Kojin, making your life easier and raising your profits in the end.
Rasho: I would actually owe you a debt if you could do that.
Lyse: Yeah, but don't we have the Empire left?
Rasho: Oh don't worry; the Red Kojin are basically the Imperial Proxies.
P. Meepel: You know, when you put it that way, it almost seems like the threat value isn't that high.  What makes these Red Kojin such a threat anyway?
Rasho: They're an enemy beast tribe.
P. Meepel: ...twelve damn it...

*scene shift*
R. Meepel: But wait, how are we like going to fight turtles?  Don't they live underwater or something!?
Alisaie: Yeah, I haven't figured that part out yet...
Tansui: Well actually, there's a Blue Kojin camp nearbye, you could probably talk them into helping you.
Alisaie: Why didn't you mention them in the first place.
Tansui: Because it wasn't beneficial in anyway to me.
Alisaie: ...I'm starting to loathe you...
P. Meepel: Wait if it's underwater, that means we have to swim down that far doesn't it?
Lyse: That would appear to be the case.  I'm an excellent swimmer myself, how about you Alisaie?
Alisaie: Well, I'm decent enough I suppose...unlike my brother who swims like a rock.  How about our Warrior of Light?
P. Meepel: Yeah, count me out! My shield and sword won't let me dive that deep.
D. Meepel: Nay, my armor would get in the way, I'm afraid I am of no help.
W. Meepel: Me no good at swimming.
R. Meepel: Seriously? You 3 are such chickens.  Fine, I'll like go underwater for us, and deal with those stupid turtle guys.  This is why I walk around in light clothes, so much easier to move around and stab things.
Quinn: Oh no, you're not taking me into going down there with that stupid black horn.
R. Meepel: Sure, what-eh-vah.  I guess I'll just take all the credit saving the entire Ruby Sea, and make fun of you for it.
Quinn: What!? NO! YOU WILL NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR THIS! I will prove superior by getting there first! *Quinn dives into the ocean and swims*
Lyse: Does she...even know where to go?
P. Meepel: ...to be clear, that was Quinn, not Asher, right?
D. Meepel: Why do you ask?
P. Meepel: Mostly because I'm sure she's going to drown and doesn't have illogical immortality...
*Quinn floats to the surface unconscious*
P. Meepel: ...see?
W. Meepel: Talk of Asher, does Asher come?
Asher: A CHANCE TO DIVE TO THE GREATEST DEPTHS! NOTHING SHALL STAND IN MY WAY! FOR YOU SEE, IT IS THE THRILL OF-*Tsunami sweeps him up...and only him*
P. Meepel: I think the Twelve decided for him...
D. Meepel: How about you Natia? Would you join us in our THRILLING ADVENTURES to underseas! It'll be adventure worth experiencing, one that you will treasure for time immemorial!
Natia: Did you say TREASURE!?!
P. Meepel: Lastly...say where's William?
R. Meepel: He's like fishing or something, it's totally boring, won't ever catch me doing it.
Alisaie: In any event, let us head off to our next destination of the Blue Kojin camp
Quinn: *revived by William...despite him being a fisherman*  You know, those Blue Kojin have about the same naming logic as a certain Red Mage I know.
R. Meepel: At least I didn't drown myself 5 minutes ago because I have an inferiority complex...
Quinn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Ludger: ...!!!...-_-
Narrator: Last time I choose a silent protagonist to handle this.

[Meeplelard]

EPISODE 4: A RIVALRY IS BORN...maybe...
Stocke: ...wait, so what's going on exactly?
Narrator: Read the script.
Stocke: ...so you rope me into doing something without asking me?
Narrator: Yes, basically.
Stocke: Screw that, I'm out!
*Bad end*
Teo: ...Stocke...
Stocke: Yes?
Teo: Why did you say no?
Stocke: Because I thought taking the easy way out would work this time?
Teo: And has that ever worked?
Stocke: Hey, I had to at least TRY ok!?
Teo: ...just reset time and read the script.
Stocke: *sigh* Fine, ok *goes back to 2 minutes ago* AHEM!  So our Warrior of Light...wait, shouldn't that be plural?
P. Meepel: well, I am technically one person...
Stocke: Yes, but aren't there like 5 of you or something?
W. Meepel: You stalling?
Stocke: No, just...ok, fine, our Watermelon haired...
R. Meepel: OMG! He totally noticed!
Stocke: ...hero, and her...companions...
D. Meepel: YES! GLORIOUS WARRIORS OF JUSTICE THAT SHALL AIDE US IN OUR DIVINE QUEST!
P. Meepel: Do you...listen to yourself sometimes?
D. Meepel: I find it easier not to...
Stocke: ...have found their way into the underwater city of Tamamizu.

*in Tamazuki*
Alisaie: So...Soroban...this is your home?
Soroban: Yes, it is, what part of "This is the home of the Blue Kojin" do you not understand?
Quinn: Damn it, YOU'RE NOT BLUE YOU'RE GREEN! God, I hate you and everything in this stupid town.
W. Meepel: Quinn?
Quinn: What?
W. Meepel: Axe says SHUT UP!
Lyse: I think the more important question is where do we go from here?
Soroban: Well, we need to find a great treasure artifact...
Natia: DID SOMEONE SAY TREASURE!? I'M IN!
Soroban: That is underwater and you will surely drown...
Natia: TREASURE!!! *Runs out into the sea, does not return*
William: ...not healing her...
Soroban: As I said, you will surely drown in an attempt to get that treasure, at least not without the proper ritual...
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *runs into the sea, does not return*
William: ...or him for that matter...
Soroban: Are any of the others in your group suicidal?
P. Meepel: Honestly, I have no idea anymore, maybe you should just ignore them and tell us what we need to...wait, what are we trying to do?
Soroban: Well, I'm TRYING to tell you what you need to do but your friends seem to insist on drowning themselves...
R. Meepel: Yeah, I mean, it's not like Quinn is good enough to find it on her own or anything.
Quinn: OH YOU LITTLE! I'LL SHOW YOU WHOSE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! *runs into sea, does not return*
Lyse: I think it's best we just ignore them and move on, please tell us what is needed?
Soroban: ...we simply need to put you under a short ritual that will let you breathe underwater...making your friend's drowning, may they rest in peace...
P. Meepel: Pretty sure they're not actually dead...except Asher...but death doesn't seem to slow him down at all...may even speed up the process thinking on it...
D. Meepel: So what mighty quest must we partake on to gain the ability to BRAVE THE DEPTHS FEARLESSLY!
Soroban: I never said there was a quest yet...
Alisaie: But there is one right?
Soroban: I never said so!
Lyse: But you basically just admitted it!
Soroban: ...just go kill a giant walrus and a giant enemy crab, and bring back their corpses...
William: It is not the corpse that one gains, but the aspects of the corpse that are brought back upon which the cooking shall be placed!
P. Meepel: So long as that doesn't mean you are going to drown yourself like the other three...sure, why not.
W. Meepel: Me think William want fishing.
P. Meepel: Again, so long as he doesn't KILL HIMSELF, I'm fine with that.
Asher: INDEED! FOR THERE IS NO LIFE IN DEATH! ONLY THE MIGHTY LOSS OF BREATH THAT COMES WITH IT! FOR WHEN ONE DIES, ONE BECOMES ONE WITH HIS INNER BEING! THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN! NOW BEHOLD AS I DEMON-*gets eaten by a shark*
D. Meepel: I feel I should mourn our fallen comrade...but I know the efforts will be fruitless.
*one pointless quest later*
Soroban: Congrats, now you guys can all breathe underwater!
R. Meepel: Like seriously!? That is WAY COOL!
Alisaie: Maybe I should have brought my brother here...
Lyse: Wait what about our mounts?
Soroban: Oh, any flying mount can also breathe underwater now...as can your fallen comrades...
P. Meepel: So Quinn and Natia...
Soroban: Yes, both can breathe underwater.
W. Meepel: Asher then?
P. Meepel: I'm pretty sure that part won't matter...
Soroban: Anyway, if you want to get to the RED KOJIN, you'll need to go treasure hunting wand get the object, and now that you can breathe underwater, that won't be a big deal.
Natia: DID SOMEONE SAY TREASURE!?
P. Meepel: ...where did you come from?
Natia: Aetheryte.
P. Meepel: ...touche...
Lyse: And HOW do we find this treasure exactly?
Soroban: There's a Raen settlement nearbye, they have what you need to find the tre-...
*Natia's ears perk up*
Soroban: ...artifact in question...
D. Meepel: AHA! Yes, a whole village of our white horned brethren! Let us make haste!

*out in the ocean*
P. Meepel: Holy crap, he wasn't kidding, I can breathe so easily!
Alisaie: This does raise a question though...
Lyse: What's that?
Alisaie: HOW ARE WE TALKING UNDERWATER WITH NO ISSUES WHATSOEVER!?
W. Meepel: Magic ritual.  Need not make sense.
Lyse: So...let's head to the Raen Settlement.

*at the Raen settlement*
Quinn: ok, we're finally here...
P. Meepel: Oh, you decided to join up with us...
Quinn: No, I decided to come here and relax because SHARKS ARE TRYING TO EAT ME.  I'd never be with you.
R. Meepel: Well, good thing I don't want to be with you then!
Quinn: At least we agree on something, you stupid uncultured swine.
R. Meepel: And yet, my outfit is so much more fashionable than yours.
P. Meepel: Girls, stop fighting, we have more important things to worry about!?
D. Meepel: Yes, like stopping the vile vermin of the Empire and the REd Kojin!
P. Meepel: Sure, let's go with that.
R. Meepel: Ok, fine, I'll, like, stop making fun of Quinn for a little bit.
Alisaie: So I guess our next course of action is finding someone who can help us...
Raen Male: Aha, did yo say you needed help!?
P. Meepel: Oh look, a convenient person who happens to know our exact problems!
Raen Male: Because I totally can't offer you anything...
P. Meepel: Why the heck did you come over here then?
Raen Male: Because I'm impor-*gets an axe in his back*
Alisaie: That was a little harsh...
W. Meepel: Me not do axe, me swear!
Lyse: Well who did then?
Quinn: *Whistles non-chalantly as she cleans her axe*
Lyse: ...you have issues...
Different Raen Male: Ah, the Warrior of Light and Scions from Eorzea, nice to finally meet you guys!
P. Meepel: Where...did you come from?
Raen Female: We were standing here the entire time, unfortunately you guys got distracted by...well...*looks at the corpse of the other guy*
Quinn: Yes, you're welcome!
Alisaie: More to the point, where did yo learn about us?
Raen Female: Well, my daughter Yugiri told me about you guys and your exploits so...
Lyse: I thought Yugiri was from Doma...
Yugiri's Father: Well, she sort of got citizenship in there so it's not entirely wrong...
Yugiri's Mother: But she's born here, and this is her original home!
P. Meepel: Ok, more importantly, do you have anything of note to say other than "Hi, I'm the mother and father of your friend,pleased to me you, here stay in our home!"
Yugiri's Mother: I wasn't going to offer hospitality...
Yugiri's Father: I was though!
Yugiri's Mother: I thought we discussed this and we were simply going to aide them in their quest!
Yugiri's Father: Yes, and these fine ladies...
William: AHEM!
Yugiri's Father: ...and gentleman could use a place to stay, that should help them in their ails!
Yugiri's Mother: Oh, you just want a bunch of young ladies, two of whom are our race I might add, to be in our house!? I see how it is!
Yugiri's Father: Oh come on! A little bit of female presence couldn't hurt.  Besides, how often do we get to see cute Xaela and Elezen down here?
R. Meepel: OMG! He totally saw how awesome me and senior Alisaie are!
Alisaie: Se...nior?
P. Meepel: Oh, she just means you're her better at Red Mage because you've been doing it longer.  She's trying to show respect, she's just not the best with words. 
R. Meepel: You don't have to be mean, Paladin!
P. Meepel: I wasn't trying to be...besides, I think it's well established that you're only mean to ONE person in our team/
R. Meepel: Well, you're, like, not wrong about that one.  I'm way more stylish than that other Au Ra in our team.
Quinn: ...wait, did you just imply that me and that BLACK HORNED ***** are the same race!?  I SWEAR I'LL KIL-*Quinn gets blasted by a tornado*
Wh. Meepel: Night Night ^_^
D. Meepel: There is nothing more scary than a White Mage scorned...truly an enigmatic one if I say so myself.
Yugiri's Mother: Oh look, and now you have them killing each other, SEE WHAT YOU STARTED?!
Alisaie: Actually this is pretty normal, mostly because Quinn is a horrible person...
P. Meepel: I'm mostly surprised it was White Mage this time...
Lyse: So...if we could end the lovers quarrel and infighting...perhaps we could get back to the topic at-...why is Asher's corpse at my feet?
P. Meepel: ...do you really want the answer to that?
Lyse: ...probably not...
Alisaie: Though I do agree, we should probably consider what they have to say?
Yugiri's Mother: Yes, you're right; we'll continue this conversation at home!
Yugiri's Father: ...I'm sleeping on the coral tonight...
P. Meepel: Coral Couches sound uncomfortable...
Yugiri's Mother: Anyway, we have information for finding a certain object you need to enter the Red Kojin camp fine.  You see, there's a sunken ship near-bye, and in it, there's a particular object.
Yugiri's Father: With this lamp, you can actually find this proverbial needle in the haystack with relative ease.
D. Meepel: Perhaps, good sir, you can tell us what it looks like?
Yugiri's Father: It's a Magnatama.
P. Meepel: Basically, we have to go on underwater and look for this treasure pe...WAIT NO I DIDN'T SAY THAT!
Natia: TREASURE!? TREASURE!!!! *Runs out into the open sea*
D. Meepel: ...at least she won't drown this time...would be a pity to lose another companion of justice in the depths of the sea.
Alisaie: Ok, so...ignoring that we lost another member to blindly running out into the open sea...forgetting there's no Aetheryte camp to get her back easily...I propose that only myself, Lyse, and our Warrior of Light go forth.
P. Meepel: There's no way I can say "no" to this is there?
Lyse: Aren't you the one who claims that we can't get anything done unless you're there?
P. Meepel: ...god damn it, I knew that was going to come back to bite me...
W. Meepel: Maybe Paladin need stop snark.
P. Meepel: ...I hate it when Warrior is right...ah well, since we're swimming...
R. Meepel: Ok, fine, I'll lead the way, geez, the 3 of you are way boring when it comes to swimming.
P. Meepel: Glad you see things our way.
R. Meepel: Whut-eh-vah!
Yugiri's Mother: Is she...ok?
Yugiri's Father: Dear, Yugiri told us about this.  The Warrior of Light is simply multiple people, not just one.
Yugiri's Mother: I thought she was talking metaphorically, like "Warrior of Light" is actually a group, not one person.
Alisaie: I can assure you, this completely normal...somehow...
Lyse: I'm more surprised it took them this long to question here...

*one transition to a boat later*
R. Meepel: So like...what do we do here?
Alisaie: we use the lamp to find the object.
Lyse: It's ok, I got this!
*Sensor says NOTHING HERE JACK ASS*
Alisaie: ...well?
Lyse: It...uhh...claims there's nothing here...
Alisaie: This is going to be more challenging than originally thought...
R. Meepel: I swear, if this is a prank, I'm totally going to ask they pay for my new outfit.  The water is ruining my skirt, and I think my dye is fading.
Alisaie: Couldn't you just glamour it back to normal and redye it?
R. Meepel: That still costs gil!
Alisaie: ...fair point...
Lyse: Let's try it at a diferent location...

*376 attempts later*
Lyse: ...well it claims the object is...close...
Alisaie: It said that for the last 50 or so attempts!
R. Meepel: This is SOOOOO ANNOYING! Why can't the object just show up!?
Natia: TREASURE!!!!
Alisaie: ...oh, Natia...you made it...
Natia: This was quite a game you guys were playing, that hunt made you look like scavengers.  It was an enlightening experience seeing this glowing object.  I just had to sea it myself!
Alisaie: ...I'm beginning to understand Quinn's frustrations...
R. Meepel: Like, what's that gold piece of jewelry you're holding!?
Natia: TREASURE!
R. Meepel: Like duh?
Lyse: Wait, is that...a magnatama?
Alisaie: ...
R. Meepel: ...
Alisaie: ...
All Three: GOD DAMN IT NATIA!!!

*scene skip to Red Kojin Camp*
Lyse: So...any strategies for what to do here Alisaie?
Alisaie: Run in and kill all who stand in our way?
P. Meepel: While I do enjoy the sound of that, I also know that's not what I'd call a strategy.
Alisaie: Look, my brother was the brains of the team...
Red Kojin #1: AHA! WE HAVE FOUND 4 LOVELY LADIES TO EXPLOIT THE...uhh...wait what are we doing here again?
Red Kojin #2: We weren't going to exploit them; they're just intruders and enemies of the Empire that are our allies...
Red Kojin #1: Oh, right.  *ahem* YOU WILL NOT PASS! WE ARE THE ELITE RED KOJIN GUARD! BEHOLD OUR MIGHTY ANTI-JUSTICE.
D. Meepel: ...anti-Justice? YOU HAVE MADE A GRAVE ENEMY TODAY, FOUL REPTILE! TO BATTLE!!!
*W. Meepel kicks the shit out of the Red Kojin*
Alisaie: ...I thought that Dark side of you was the one who declared war, not the savage side...
P. Meepel: Eh, we were all thinking of doing that anyway...
Red Kojin #3: NO! They have defeated the worthless duo! Quick, stop them! For we have twice the greatness!
Lyse: They do realize that doubling 0 is still 0, right?
Alisaie: I...uhh...don't have time to deal with this, frankly...
*Alisaie zaps a few of them dead*
R. Meepel: LIKE, OMG! THAT WAS SOOO COOL! I totally want to do that now!
*R. Meepel blasts a few with her lightning spells*
Alisaie: Heh, not bad.  You're doing well.
R. Meepel: Like, I can totally do better and...where's Natia?
P. Meepel: *looks at side, sees Natia on the floor* ...apparently she's tanking...
D. Meepel: Isn't that our job?
W. Meepel: Dragoon risky job...
D. Meepel: Tis but a fair point, I suppose...
Red Kojin #4: GET THEM! THEY ARE BUT MERE MOR-...where did my left arm go?
W. Meepel: Me have it.
Red Kojin #4: ...GIVE THAT BACK!
W. Meepel: No.
Red Kojin #4: ...please?
W. Meepel: Well, since ask nicely...
*P. Meepel stabs the Red Kojin*
P. Meepel: Yeah, no, not falling for that one.
Red Kojin #5: ...yeah, just go through to our lair, I'm not going to pretend I even have an *is stabbed in the face*
Natia: There, I got right to the point!
P. Meepel: Oh, you're not dead...
Natia: Not when there's treasure around!
P. Meepel: ...sure, let's just go in and stop them.

*in the treasure room*
Natia: TREASURE! TREASURE! TREASURE!!!
*Held back by W. Meepel*
W. Meepel: Calm self, Natia.
Natia: But...treasure!!!
Red Kojin Chief: We must complete the ritual!   By the way, thanks for bringing the Magnatama here!
Alisaie: No, you won't complete the ritual.  Quick, Lyse, PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!
Lyse: On it!
*Lyse attempts to punch, barrier stops hit*
Lyse: ...ok, that's not good...
Thunderous Voice: AHA! SUCH VALOR! SUCH MAGNIFICENCE! TRULY A TESTAMENT TO STRENGTH AND GREATNESS!
Red Kojin Chief: Aha, yes, RISE MIGHTY PRIMAL SUSANO AND DESRTROY THE INFIDELS!
Natia: Talking...treasure!?  I WANT MORE!
P. Meepel: Wait, did he just say Prim-...
*Susano appears out of the three treasures because Japanese Mythology*
P. Meepel: -...al.
Alisaie: I think retreat might be our best option...at least into the other room.
Susano: AHAHAHAH! WE SHALL DANCE IN OUR REVELOUS BATTLE!
D. Meepel: I RELISH THE CHALLENGE, VILE FIEND!  HAVE AT THEE!
P. Meepel: No, you don't, we're politely GETTING THE HELLS OUT OF HERE and figuring out how to handle this...

*next room*
P. Meepel: Ok, so let's get everything straight here.  The Red Kojin summoned a primal, Natia's gone into a treasure high, you girls don't have the echo thereby don't even remotely stand a chance against this, and basically everything has just gone from ok to OH GOD WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO, am I missing anything?
Alisaie: Well, the Empire could show up at any moment I suppose...
P. Meepel: DON'T GIVE THEM ANY IDEAS!
Lyse: Look, it's quite simple, you just go in and kill the primal like you always do, you're an expert at this!
D. Meepel: Well, it is our duty as Warriors of Light to slay the angry gods! Our track record speaks well!
P. Meepel: our track record also shows we needed the help of 7 other adventurous allies that aren't scions to win...
Alisaie: Ok, it's quite simple.  There's probably a few adventurous friends of yours around fishing about that are willing to lend a hand...
P. Meepel: Fishing you say!?

*at a nearbye beach*
P. Meepel: WILLIAM YOU IDIOT! GET OFF YOUR FISHING ASS AND JOIN ME! We need to fight a primal!
William: It is not the one who fishes that catches the fish, but the fish that is caught on the rod that is doing the catching for the fish catches himself.
P. Meepel: I...no, just get into a healer class, so I can make actual use of you.
William: The Primal is not actuallyfought, but simply held up against with the mighty fist...
P. Meepel: William, healer, NOW!
William: *stress levels sky rocket* OK, fine, ruin my nice peaceful fishing.  See what I care when the primal kills all of you and I'm laughing my ass off at your misfortune!
P. Meepel: I don't see how you benefit from that when you'll be dying too...
William: Yeah, but at least I know i'll be dying laughing!


*Somewhere else in the Ruby Sea*
Asher: AHA! MY MANLY PECS SHALL CONQUER THEE, VILE CREATURE OF THE NIGHT!
D. Meepel: Ah, ally Asher, what are you up to?
Asher: THE GREATNESS OF THE EVILS THAT SHALL BE VANQUISHED!
D. Meepel: Indeed, we have a primal, join me!
Asher: Not until this EVIL that plagues the land is defeated!
D. Meepel: What is this evil you speak of?
Asher: THAT HORRIBLE CREATURE OF THE NIGHT STANDING BEFORE US!!!! *points to a normal snail*
D. Meepel: ...it's day time...and that's hardly a threat...
Asher: Do you not see? IT'S SLOWNESS IS AN OFFENSE TO ALL! I SHALL DESTROY IT WITH MY MANLY FISTS!
*Asher somehow gets crushed by a giant wooden beam*
Generic Confederacy Dude: Whoa! Sorry about that! Didn't see you there...
D. Meepel: ...there are many questions that need answering...but I suppose I can "vanquish" that "evil" with the power of...justice..or something...
Asher: AHA! Now that the EVIL is defeated, TO FIGHT THE PRIMAL WE GO!

*in a different part of the Ruby Sea*
Quinn: Ok, finally free of those horrible people.  Now to plot my next place to go, yes, I can escape and GET OUT OF MY DEBT FOREVER! MWAHAHHAH!
R. Meepel: HIIIIIIIII~ QUINN!!!!
Quinn: ...oh god it's you....what do you want?
R. Meepel: Well, like, there's totally this primal that appeared out of nowhere and I need to make a party of 8 to stop him, and you're still in debt so I figured why not grab you?
Quinn: And what makes you think I'll say "yes" to that!?
R. Meepel: Because if you don't, I'll totally tell Glasses Guy that you didn't live up to your community service, and have you deal with Warrior personally~
Quinn: ...I abhor you...

*Scene shift*
Alisaie: Ok, so we have our Warrior of Light and 4 Adventurers, are you ready for the primal?
P. Meepel: No.
Alisaie: Why not?
P. Meepel: Primals of that level require AT LEAST 8 people for us to not be driven mad.
D. Meepel: Verily, it is not like a simple dungeon that requires but 4 people.
Lyse: Well, you could go look for more random people fishing, we just need 3 more right?
P. Meepel: ...alright girls, you know what to do?
R. Meepel: Bug people until join us?
P. Meepel: Yes, that.

*some searching later*
P. Meepel: Have you found anyone?
D. Meepel: Nay, sister, it seems nothing but civilians roam these lands.  We need a strong warrior to help us engage in GLORIOUS COMBAT against the vile primal.
W. Meepel: Dark Knight speak too much...
Random Red Haired Hyur: Did someone say GLORIOUS COMBAT!?
D. Meepel: Indeed I did, who might you be, fine warrior?
Quinn: Oh god, what the hell is with your red and white hair?  And that mask? seriously?
Random Red haired Hyur: Ok, MISSY, YOU WANT A FIGHT!? BRING IT ON!
R. Meepel: Hey, no pissing off QUinn unless I'm involved!
William: To be fair, simply existing pisses off Quinn...
R. Meepel: That's is sooooo true!
Quinn: NO! God I freaking hate those freaking worthless Hyurs.  Coming in and acting like they own the place...
P. Meepel: Well, they do kind of outnumber every other race in Eorzea...
Quinn: NO! Stupid pricks and their superiority!
Natia: Hey, weren't you a Hyur just last year?
Quinn: NOT THE POINT!
Natia: No, but my spear is!
W. Meepel: Bad pun and not relevant.
P. Meepel: OK everyone SHUT UP! Now then, Mr...
Aleph: Ah, apologies.  My name is...Aleph Rastel, MACHINIST EXTRAORDINAIRE!!! *sunset explosions*
W. Meepel: ...Asher dead again?
P. Meepel: No, I don't think so.  No idea where those explosions came-...
D. Meepel: What's wrong sister?
P. Meepel: Oh confound it, Asher DID die from those explosions...I don't even know HOW!?
D. Meepel: William if you will?
William: Hell no.
D. Meepel: But you're the...
William: Look, we all know it's a waste of mana for someone who is just going to come back to life at a mome-...
Asher: A NEW RECORD! DEATH BY THE NON-EXISTENT! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED AND DEFEATED!
William: ...nt's notice...
P. Meepel: I feel like no progress is being made...
Aleph: Anyway, I hear you're fighting a primal, and I would like to assist you in this!
D. Meepel: Are you mayhap an ADVENTURER!?
Aleph: Indeed! One who loves a good fight and fine ladies!
P. Meepel: ...somehow I don't see this as a good idea...
D. Meepel: Do you have any other better options, my sister?
P. Meepel: STop calling me-...oh not worth it.  And unfortunately, I do not so...
Aleph: Yes! I shall join you in your battle against...wait what are we fighting again?
W. Meepel: Susano.
Aleph: Yes, Susano! ...who is Susano?
W. Meepel: Primal.
Aleph: Never heard of him.
W. Meepel: Me not hear either, but here me is.
Aleph: Did you...suddenly forget how to talk?
R. Meepel: Warrior is, like, really bad with words, and she totally has others talk for her because of it.
Quinn: I wish you'd follow Warriors advice personally.
R. Meepel: And I wish you'd pick a better color for your nails, but no one's perfect!
Quinn: Oh like hell I'm not!
R. Meepel: Yeah what-eh-vah!

*scene shift*
P. Meepel: You know what would make this easier?
R. Meepel: If two adventurers would show up at the same time and save us the time at once?
P. Meepel: ...yes, exactly that.
Mi'qote Female #1: OhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygod, Can it be!?
Mi'qote Female #2: What is it?
Mi'qote Female #1: It's her! I think that's really her!
Mi'qote Female #2: Wait, yo don't mean...
Mi'qote Female #1: Oh my, I'm too embarassed to ask, do it for me Chunyi!?
Chunyi: What Salo'wen!?
Salo'wen: You have to do this for me, PLEEEAAAASSEEE!?
P. Meepel: Uh...anyway, can I help you?
Chunyi: Apologies about that, but it seems my...companion...has a question for you?
P. Meepel: Yes?
Chunyi: Would you happen to be the Warrior of Light, famed hero of Eorzea?
D. Meepel: Aha, yes! Our deeds of virtue and justice have indeed travelled far and wide!  Vanquishing evil, defeating primals, walking poor orphans across the streets of Ul'dah!
W. Meepel: We not do that last one...
D. Meepel: Not yet!
P. Meepel: ...if it's not obvious from my other...selves...yes, yes I am.
Salo'wen: OMG! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I FINALLY GET TO MEET HER! THE LEGENDARY ALMIGHTY WARRIOR OF LIGHT, MEEPEL LARDOS!
P. Meepel: Pleasures...all...mine?
R. Meepel: Like OMG! I'm like a celebrity and such! That's so awesome!
D. Meepel: This isn't the first time we've been treated this way sist-...
P. Meepel: DON'T FINISH THAT LINE!
Salo'wen: Can I get your autograph...and maybe a locket of your hair!?
P. Meepel: What!?
D. Meepel: I'm confounded...
W. Meepel: Head hurts...
R. Meepel: Like...what are you talking about?
Chunyi: Sorry about my friend Salo'wen here, she has an...infatuation...with you ever since she heard of you.
Salo'wen: I can't believe I finally meet the great Meepel! I know everything about you, I'm your biggest fan!  I can't believe it's true that you really are many people in one body!
P. Meepel: ...charmed?
Salo'wen: You were born on the 15th Sun of the 6th Umbral Moon, your guardian Azeyma the Warden, your hometown is Ul'dah and your favorite location is-...
P. Meepel: Ok, I get it, you know everything abou-...WAIT HOW DID YOU KNOW MY BIRTHDAY!?
Salo'wen: Is it true you were born a Hyur!?
W. Meepel: Stop talking, NOW!
Salo'wen: But there's so much I have to ask you! I need to-...
Chunyi: Salo'wen, please stop! Anyway, apologies about her...again...but I couldn't help but overhear that you were fighting a primal?
P. Meepel: Yes, yes I am or I WOULD BE if I could find two more adventu-...let me guess, you two are adventurers, aren't you?
Chunyi: Yes, yes I am.  My name is Chunyi Snowpetal and my friend over here is Salo'wen Kaiench'ka.
Salo'wen: I heard your favorite fight was the one with Nidhogg on the Steps of Faith, is that true!? Tell me all about it!
P. Meepel: Much as I love to brag about my exploits...I do have some semblance of modesty, and there's far more important things at hands...like Susano...
Voice of Susano: AHA! I SHALL CONTINUE THIS REVELING PATIENCE FOR A GLORIOUS BATTLE!
P. Meepel: ...and something tells me this is going to be an...ah...adventure...
Aleph: My word, can it be!? TWO YOUNG ANGELS HAVE COME UPON ME!? Oh heavenly Hydaelyn above, grace with the glory of these two lovely Mi'qote women such that I-*explosion*
Quinn: *holding a sizzling cane* I barely know you and you already piss me off.
William: ...I bet you think the same way of that Confederate Worker over that you don't know at all.
Quinn: OF COURSE I HATE HIM! Look at him and his dedicated ways! Such an ass making me look bad!
Natia: The situation is sure heating up around here!
R. Meepel: Uh, Aleph, are you like...ok?
Aleph: Such minor burns can only hold back my love for the fairer feline gender!
R. Meepel: ...he's, like, totally fine.
Aleph: Yes! MY PASSION BURNS BRIGHTEST FOR YOU LOVELY LADIES! NOTHING SHALL STAND BETWEEN US!
Asher: I beg to differ, for you see, I shall stand between you and these women we just met.
Aleph: No, I will fight through anything, NOTHING SHALL STOP ME! NOTHING!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher and Aleph get into an off-screen battle for...completely unknown reasons*
P. Meepel: Ok, with those two...manly men...out of the way, what are your jobs?
Salo'wen: Oh! I know! I know! I can answer that! I"m a bard and an awesome one! See!? Pew Pew Sing! Let me sing you a song, Meepel! YOU'LL LOVE IT!
Chunyi: ...me too for that matter.  We're kind of a traveling duet, going with the guy/girl kind of dichotomy, and I'm the girl!
P. Meepel: ...no, you aren't.
Chunyi: Yeah, I am!
P. Meepel: No, you really aren't.
Chunyi: Oh come on! I can prove it too! Hey who wants to go shopping, I hear there's a sale!?
R. Meepel: Spluh, no! There's a primal, we need to take it out.  Shopping is totally for free time only and only in big bustling towns like Kugane.
D. Meepel: AHA! Yes! Such mighty Bards, join our cause now, we can use a pair of voices and bows to defeat out opponent.
Salo'wen: OH MY GOD, DID YOU HEAR THAT!? WE CAN JOIN MEEPEL ON HER WORLD SAVING QUEST!
P. Meepel: Now wait just a...oh hells, we need two people and I can't imagine myself finding anyone else nearbye...
W. Meepel: We beat other primals with 7 people we not know...
P. Meepel: ...I was hoping you'd ignore that...
W. Meepel: Me no forget things!
D. Meepel: I believe all things are in order.  COME FELLOW WARRIORS!
W. Meepel: But me only Warrior...
D. Meepel: ...apologies.  COME FELLOW HEROES! WE MUST DO BATTLE AGAINST THE EVIL ONE!
W. Meepel: That better.

*at the Pool of Tribune*
Susano: AHA! YES MIGHTY WARRIORS! You have arrived! Now you shall rise, RISE to the occassion and do battle!
P. Meepel: ...are we sure this guy is a primal?
D. Meepel: He's big, he's strong, he's probably evil, he's monstrous, and he was summoned by a beast tribe.  Did I miss anything that would qualify him as a primal?
P. Meepel: No, I suppose you did not...though Ramuh was actually a pretty cool guy now that I think about ti.
Natia: Not as cool as Shiva!
Quinn: I swear I'm going to strangle you in your sleep, Natia.
Natia: Nothing to get your hands wrapped around, Quinn!
Salo'wen: I can't believe it! I get to see Meepel tank a Primal! This will be the best day of my life!
Chunyi: Please focus on either singing or shooting the guy in the back! Speaking of which, what's our strategy?
W. Meepel: Paladin, you got strategy?
P. Meepel: Ok, yes, see, most of you are new to primal slaying.
William: Pfft, I can do it in my sleep...but you guys would probably screw it up.
P. Meepel: ...ignoring that act of arrogance...here's the game plan.  One of me, Dark Knight or Warrior will draw his attention away from all of you...you guys attack him from behind.  Stay far away from his front because he definitely will swing that sword as a cleave.  William, I need you to heal as much as possible...
William: I'll heal when I feel like it.
P. Meepel: ...right...Quinn, you handle the fire...literally.
Quinn: Oh, I'll show you fire.  I'LL SHOW YOU FIRE YOU WON'T FORGET! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, Natia, you...just avoid jumping into any of his attacks, please.
Natia: I'll try to make a splash in this fight!
D. Meepel: It is imperative we all work together.  None of us are powerful enough to take him on alone if he's anything like the other primals.  We need to be fully equipped and strong for this-...
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher strips Naked and charges Susano*
R. Meepel: Like, no Asher! Listen to Dark Knight! She knows what she's...
P. Meepel: I think he's long past saving...
*cue sound effects of Asher and Susano's fight during this*
P. Meepel: ...this is not going to go over well...
D. Meepel: Perhaps we should rescue him?
P. Meepel: I don't think there's any way to rescue from being impaled by a 20 foot long sword...
Quinn: HA! His arm is dislocated! This is the best!
William: I didn't know an arm could bend that way...
Natia: I...don't think that's his arm...
W. Meepel: How Asher still alive from that...
P. Meepel: I think it's less "how" and more "is he?"
W. Meepel: A fair point...
Salo'wen: Is this what usually happens, Meepel!?
P. Meepel: Not...usually...I mean...people die but rarely in a way that involves their left foot being placed where their right shoulder should be...
Aleph: Is that his tail sticking out of his mouth?
William: How did THAT even get there?
Chunyi: I think this situation is so bad, that lightning bolt may have actually healed him...
P. Meepel: HOW!?
Chunyi: I think it jump started his heart!?
*what remains of Asher's corpse comes flying from off screen, completely indistinguishable from himself, various parts twitching*
P. Meepel: So...William...resurrect him?
William: Nah.
P. Meepel: ...no seriously, please bring him back.
William: He got himself killed, that's not my problem.
P. Meepel: We're down a man and we could use any help we can get.
William: Again, not my problem.
Susano: AHAHA! YES! GLORY ON THE BATTLEFIELD! Now you shall all join me to REVEL IN BATTLE once more!
W. Meepel: Me not like where this is going...
R. Meepel: Does anyone like understand a word he says?
Susano: Now, let us commence!
*Throws lightning bolts and water blasts at people*
P. Meepel: Ah crap...
*D. Meepel jumps in and saves Quinn from a shot*
Quinn: Hey, I can take care of myself.
D. Meepel: You're Welcome?
Quinn: Please, as if I need help from yo-...
*gets blasted half way across the field and Susano charges an attack at her*
Quinn: WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!?
Susano: MAKE WAY!!!
*Quinn gets nuked, is now a slightly charred, injured version of herself*
Quinn: ...this is entirely Red Mage's fault...
R. Meepel: Well we TRIED to help you but you were all like "Later" so this is entirely your fault Quinn.
Quinn: ...I'd kill you if I wasn't half dead...*Quinn faints*
Chunyi: So...we've already lost two warriors...
Salo'wen: Come on Meepel, you can take him!
Natia: Uh...guys...was he always 100 feet tall?
P. Meepel: Nah, he's only like 20...why bring that up now?
*Natia points to Susano now grown in size standing in the pool*
P. Meepel: ...Gods damn it...
Susano: Earth and Seas shall be torn ASSUNDER! MWAHAHHAHAH!
*Giant sword comes down out of nowhere that will definitely kill everyone*
William: Well, it was nice knowing everyone...
R. Meepel: No! I won't die the same time as Quinn! It's not fair!
*Quinn musters the strength to give R. Meepel the finger*
Natia: This is going to be one splitting headache.
Aleph: Don't worry, I got this!
*Shoots Susano, gets flattened by a giant fist*
William: Well he's dead...
P. Meepel: NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!
*P. Meepel jumps in and blocks the building sized foot sword with her shield, successfully*
P. Meepel: Holy crap, I can't believe this is working...
Salo'wen: THAT IS COOLEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN! Meepel is the best! Yay Meepel!
Chunyi: I...am at a loss for words myself.
William: ...ok, I'll bite...that was pretty cool.
P. Meepel: *half out of breath* Yeah, see, I got all your backs.  That's what it means to be a tank and...
*Susano rears for a second hit*
P. Meepel: ...ah crap...
D. Meepel: NO SISTER! YOU WILL NOT FALL HERE! FOR JUSTICE!!!
*D. Meepel holds up her sword and blocks the next hit*
D. Meepel: I RELISH IN THE CHALLENGE, VILE MONSTER!  YOU HAVE SMITTEN ASHER AND QUINN, BUT NOW YOU FACE A TRUE WARRIOR...er...no offense my berserk half...
W. Meepel: Me fine.
Salo'wen: Wow! You just keep getting cooler.
William: How...did she muster the physical strength to do that a second time?
Chunyi: Isn't she multiple people?
William: Mentally yes, BUT THAT SHOULDN'T MAKE PHYSICAL SENSE! Who does she think she is? Asher?
*Asher's remains twitch a bit*
D. Meepel: Ok, I believe the worst is over, are you ok my sister?
P. Meepel: ...just because we survived that second one thanks to your intervention, I'll let you have that one.
D. Meepel: Tis no problem!
R. Meepel: Uh, guys, you might want to look up.
D. Meepel: What no-...
*sees the sword raising up again*
P. Meepel: ...I can't Clemency fast enough to survive that one...
D. Meepel: Nor will my living dead powers last long enough...
R. Meepel: And my Vercure isn't strong enough! William?
William: Nah, you got this.
R. Meepel: Oh no, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?
P. Meepel: Ladies...it's been an honor...
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH GIANT SWORD!!!
*W. Meepel blocks sword with her axe*
Quinn: This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.  Seriously, how the hell am I suppose to believe she's that good?
Quinn's Mind: Wow, that is the simply coolest thing I've ever seen in my life! I have to say, she's really awesome and I respect her!  BUT SHE CAN NEVER KNOW THAT!
W. Meepel: We still alive?
P. Meepel: I think so...
D. Meepel: I'm breathing...
W. Meepel: Is good, me can't go on much longer...
Susano: Hmm...it seems you are stronger than I thought, melon haired maiden.
R. Meepel: Thanks for noticing!
Susano: VALIANT SOULS I SALUTE YOU!
P. Meepel: Ok, Red Mage, I hate to say this but...
R. Meepel: I know, I know, I need to do this myself.  I'll do my best "mom"!
P. Meepel: ...don't ever call me that again...
D. Meepel: Be careful, Red Mage, you're our only hope seeing as our bards are awe struck, and 3 of our other warriors are dead...
R. Meepel: Ok "Dad" I get it!
D. Meepel: ...
P. Meepel: Say where's Natia?
*Natia is doing what a Dragoon does best: Tanking the floor*
Natia: Trea...sure....
P. Meepel: ...yeah, sounds right...
W. Meepel: Plus healer useless...
William: I can heal any time I want to!  ...I just don't want to now.
Susano: THE SEAS PART FOR WE ALONE!

*R. Meepel gets into an epic fight with Susano, throwing magic, healing, dodging moves, but is slowly being worn out*
R. Meepel: I hit him with everything and I'm running out of Mana and my sword does nothing! What do I do!?
P. Meepel: William, IF YOU WOULD JUST HEAL I COULD WIN THIS.
William: Eh, you're doing fine.
P. Meepel: Seriously William, THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR BEING PETTY.
William: Petty? No, petty would be not healing because yuo stole 50 gil.  I just value entertainment more than efficiency!
D. Meepel: He is a lost cause...
P. Meepel So is this fight if we don't pull something out of our hat...
W. Meepel: Maybe lesser selves have a chance?
P. Meepel: No, they're nowhere near strong enough!
R. Meepel: I won't give in! There has to be something we can do.
Susano: Ahaah, you put up a valiant fight, blue dressed one, but it seems the victory shall be mine! This fight shall go down in the ages!
R. Meepel: ...sorry everyone...
P. Meepel: It's ok, Red Mage, it's not your fault our healer is a complete and total douche...
William: AND PROUD OF IT!
Susano: AND SO THE KILLING BLOW SHALL BE MADE! RISE TO THE OCCASION!
*Susano goes in for a kill, big flash of light upon impact happens, and the sword is stopped mid-air, held up by a katana*
Unknown Katana Wielder: No si tengo algo que decir al respecto!
Salo'wen: What the heck!? I didn't know she had THAT form! She just keeps getting cooler!
Chunyi: ...you have issues...
William: What the hell? Who is that!?
*Blade throws off sword, revealing Meepel standing there, dressed in a pink chinese dress, with a middle-eastern hairband*
Unknown Meepel Form: La verdadera batalla comienza ahora.
R. Meepel: OMG! OMG OMG OMG OMG! You came back!
P. Meepel: Samurai!? When the hell did you get back?
S. Meepel: No es importante.  Lo que importa es que derrotemos a este enemigo aquí y ahora.
R. Meepel: Uhh...Paladin, what did...
P. Meepel: I have no idea, nor does Dark Knight, but...well...Samurai, can you handle this?
S. Meepel: Si.
Susano: Aha! A new challenger has arrived from the blessed one.  We shall duel at once, I REVEL IN THIS CHANCE!
S. Meepel: Hecho.  ¡ la victoria será mía! ¡ tienen a usted!
Susano: Yes, EARTH AND STONE AT OUR BECK AND CALL!

*S. Meepel and Susano get into an epic Shonen Anime Sword fight on the level of the most over the top kind, just use your imagination and you have a good idea what's going on*
Susano: You are strong, pink one.
S. Meepel: Como usted.
Susano: But this next blow SHALL BE THE DECIDING ONE!
S. Meepel: ¡ entonces que nuestras espadas se reúnan en batalla y acaben con esto!
*they charge, flash of blades, S. Meepel lands on the other side of Susano, pausing moment, then S. Meepel sheathes her katana, and Susano falls to his knee*
Susano: I have been bested in combat, well done!
S. Meepel: La victoria es mía.
*Samurai does the victory pose*
*Quinn fires a Blizzard spell, knocking an already defeated Susano down*
Quinn: HA! I did it! I killed the Primal! Now clearly you all have to respect me, and you all know who the true hero of this fight as.
P. Meepel: Samurai.
D. Meepel: Samurai.
W. Meepel: Samurai.
R. Meepel: Samurai.
William: Samurai.
Chunyi: Samurai.
Salo'wen: Meepel!
Natia: Treasre...~
Aleph: *still dead*
Asher: *more dead*
Quinn: Oh that's bullcrap! I totally cast the spell that killed him! Why, if I'm lying, MAY THE TWELVE STRIKE ME DOWN WHERE I STAND!
*Susano throws a lightning bolt at Quinn*
Quinn: ...I hate all of you...
P. Meepel: Wait, didn't you just admit defeat?
Susano: Why yes, yes I did! IT was a glorious battle indeed.
P. Meepel: ...I thought you were dead...
Susano: Nonsense! Death cannot defeat a true LORD OF THE REVEL! I am simply capable of admitting defeat, like a true Warrior!
W. Meepel: Me find that line offensive...
Susano: And I have had the honor of finding a new and mighty rival today!
S. Meepel: No me gusta donde va esto...
Susano: I do not mean you, great multipolar one! I am of course referring to...THE NAKED ONE!
*Susano points to Asher's incomprehensible corpse*
P. Meepel: I...uhh...yeah, sure, fine by me, though you realize he's dead.
Susano: Nonsense! A true rival like that will always find a way to come back!
D. Meepel: To be fair...you're not wrong.
R. Meepel: Like, William, can you please revive him?
William: Ok, fine...hey Asher, I BET YOU CAN REVIVE FASTER THAN I CAN CAST ASCEND.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Natia: I guess cats do have 9 lives!
P. Meepel: So...we should probably consider our next course of action...
S. Meepel: Sí, la batalla puede haber terminado, pero la guerra está lejos de haber terminado.  Los Kojin todavía están por aquí, déjanos retirarnos por ahora.
P. Meepel: ...yeah, I'm just going to assume you said something I agree with and go with "Let's get out of here."

Stocke: ...what did I just read?
Teo: You read the script just like you were asked?
Stocke: That was a rhetorical question, but is this has to be some kind of alternate timeline that is not optimal right?
Teo: No, this is actually the way things are suppose to happen...
Stocke: No, seriously, what can I do to make this story better? Just tell me the precise moment to go and what to do!
Lippti: KILL THE BITCH!
Stocke: ...forget I asked...

[Meeplelard]

Episode 5: About as Meaningful as Natia’s Tanking Abilities


Bacchus: So...I just have to read this, right?
Narrator: Yes, yes you do.
Bacchus: That hardly seems like the most logical thing.
Narrator: What's not logical about it?
Bacchus: I'm a scientist in a large, cold steel body, I do not think this role is suited for me.
Narrator: Oh come on! YOu're good at useless exposition, so just get reading.
Bacchus: Very well.  So it seems the Warrior of Light and her team of...can I even say that word?
Narrator: Maybe?
Bacchus: ...her team defeated the primal and thus, that's where we are now.


P. Meepel: So…that was a thing.
D. Meepel: What pray tell are you talking about, my light half?
P. Meepel: Ok, first off, there's way more than two of us, and secondly, did you not remember we just fought a primal?
D. Meepel: We do that regularly, it is part of our honor bound duty as a WARRIOR OF LIGHT after all!
Chunyi: Speaking of which...where did that Samurai form come from?
S. Meepel: Soy Samurai.  Estuve ausente entrenando en Southern Thanalan dominando el arte de las katanas, y recientemente he vuelto a ayudar a mis amigos.  ¡ parece que he llegado en el momento oportuno!
W. Meepel: Samurai gone for while, come back, super strong.  Me welcome Samurai back!
R. Meepel: Samurai is like the coolest and everything!
S. Meepel: Gracias.
Quinn: Wait...how did Samurai just leave and come back? That doesn't begin to make sense.  God, you get more annoying by the minute, why do I have to help you?  You know what? I QUIT! Have fun saving the world!
William: Yeah, sure, don't hit yourself with a Kojin on the way out!
Salo'wen: That was so cool seeing Meepel kill a primal! I can't wait to see how she handles the next problem right there!
P. Meepel: What problem?
*Salo'wen points to an army of Kojin standing before them*
P. Meepel: ...well there goes my afternoon...
R. Meepel: OMG, I'm totally going to miss the sale in Kugane! Those turtles are just SOOOOO RUDE!
Lyse: Hey, there you guys are, how did Susano go.
S. Meepel: Derroté a Susano en un combate justo y honesto.
Alisaie: What?
P. Meepel: Oh, say hi to Samurai, and no, I don't expect you to understand a word she says!
Alisaie: Ok...can you translate?
D. Meepel: Alas, tis a hurdle we have not overcome.
Alisaie: So you...don't understand...yourself...
P. Meepel: Hey, I'm TRYING ok!?  Though that brings up another question...
Chunyi: Where did Asher go?
P. Meepel: No, I mean one that has a meaningful answer...
William: How Aleph came back to life?
D. Meepel: Did you not listen to my sister?  She means...
Natia: TREASURE!!!!
R. Meepel: Like, seriously, she means how did Lyse and Senior Alisaie get here without fighting any of the Kojin?
Alisaie: Oh, yeah about that...
*points to a large pile of Kojin corpses*
P. Meepel: ...well, can't argue with results...speaking of which, where's Asher?
Asher: FOR MASCULINE FEMININITY!
*Asher beats up a few Kojin*
D. Meepel: He seems lively for someone who was just brutally murdered...
P. Meepel: That's not what's important...
W. Meepel: What important?
P. Meepel: That we're NOT GETTING ANYWHERE DOING THIS!
R. Meepel: Like seriously, if I miss that sale in Kugane I'm totally going to go postal!
S. Meepel: Fuero mi camino, tengo este.
Alisaie: Listen, I got a completely crazy idea...one that none of you will like...
Lyse: What's that?
Alisaie: I hold them off while all of you run away when distracted.
P. Meepel: Ok, Alisaie, I respect you...but we all know you aren't capable of doing that.
S. Meepel: ¡ Estoy sin embargo!
Alisaie: I'll be fine, trust me.
Lyse: But...I can't lose you too!
Alisaie: I said I'll be fine!
P. Meepel: ...there's no way we can talk you out of this, can we?
R. Meepel: No! Senior Alisaie! I don't want to see you get hurt!
D. Meepel: Alas, Red Mage, it is her decision.  We must honor it! I salute you, fine mistress Alisaie!  May we see your glorious heroics on the battlefield once again!
Quinn: Whatever, not like that worthless elven bitch was ever worth anything.
R. Meepel: ...
Alisaie: ...
Quinn: What?
*5 seconds later, Quinn is on the ground with two rapiers stuck in her backside*
Lyse: Anyway...Alisaie, promise me you won't do anything brash.
Alisaie: I promise...JUST GET GOING ALREADY!
P. Meepel: You heard the lady.
*no one but Meepel goes*
W. Meepel: Friends no come.
P. Meepel: *sigh* HEY NATIA! There's treasure in the other side of the Ruby Sea!
Natia: TREASURE!!!!!
*Natia runs out of the Kojin Camp*
P. Meepel: Salo'wen, if you get out of here now, I promise to have a 5 minute conversation with you later.
Salo'wen: OMIGOD!? REALLY!? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YES MA'AM ALMIGHTY SUPER MISTRESS MEEPEL!
P. Meepel: Chunyi...
Chunyi: I know, I know, not dying, got it.
D. Meepel: Well, there goes the catgirl and one of the catboys...
Chunyi: But...I'm a girl...
D. Meepel: It is not honorable to lie!
Aleph: Wait? The lovely LADY MI'QOTE have left!? I MUST PURSUE TO PROTECT THEM!
*Aleph pursues*
S. Meepel: Y Asher?
W. Meepel: Me know! Asher! Me think you can't drown anymore!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*dives into sea in an attempt drown despite being able to breathe underwater*
W. Meepel: See? Me knew that work.
P. Meepel: Yes, well played...
D. Meepel: Where's William?
S. Meepel: Se fue antes que ninguno de nosotros, creo que quiere que nos ocupemos de todo esto ... muerto o vivo ...
P. Meepel: ...I'll just pretend that explains it, but how do we get Quinn out of here?
R. Meepel: Like, step aside, Paladin! I got this one.  *ahem* So I was coming back from Limsa Lominsa and I was totally thinking "wow, the girls here are SOOOO pretty, and they're all Xaela like me! I should totally ask them where they get their hair and nails done!”  Then I asked one of them and we got into this totally awesome way cool conversation, and eventually, I told them about Quinn and they were like 'no way? What a bitch!' and I'm like “Like, I know right?!"  And then I told them what she looks like and they’re like “wow, we’re sooooo much prettier than that girl!” and I’m like “yep, totally!”
Quinn: ...OH YOU'RE GOING TO DIE FOR THAT ONE YOU ****ING MATERIALISTIC BLACK HORNED WHORE OF A BITCH!!!!
P. Meepel: And that's our cue to exit!
*Meepel runs out while Quinn pursues with an axe*
Alisaie: Ok, now it's just you and me...
*32 more Kojin appear*
Kojin #9: SUSANO IS SLAIN KILL HER!!!
Alisaie: ...well this could be problematic...

*Alisaie kicks some ass and the scene cuts away to Meepel and co. who are on the outskirts of the Kojin camp*


D. Meepel: Ok, I believe we're safe from the current threat!
*Meepel dodges Quinn's axe*
P. Meepel: ...relatively speaking anyway...
R. Meepel: Like, Quinn totally can't hit the broad side of her totally fat butt if she tried.
Quinn: I swear I'm going to MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP 5 TIMES OVER.
*Grabs Axe, gets knocked out by Paladin smacking her in the face with her shield*
P. Meepel: You just wanted to see her angry, didn't you?
R. Meepel: Like, d'uh!
W. Meepel: Where others?
Salo'wen: YOU MADE IT! YAY! I knew bunch of stupid turtles couldn't take you down!
Chunyi: Yeah, I was actually worried that a lovely damsel such as myself might get hurt there!
W. Meepel: But you not female...
Aleph: HA! I made it, YOU GUYS CAN'T BEAT ME!
P. Meepel: ...you do realize you have arrows protruding from about 12 different spots on your body, right?
Aleph: NOTHING SHALL STOP ME FROM REUNITING WITH THE FAIR FELINE COMPANIONS SUCH AS...*explodes*
R. Meepel: Like, thank you Black Mage!  He was SOOOOO annoying!
B. Meepel: *blows smoke off staff* No problem!
S. Meepel: Tengo que preguntarme ¿dónde están los condenados?
Asher: AHA! I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY DROWNED INSPITE OF MY OWN BREATH!
P. Meepel: I don't think holding your breath until you turn blue counts as drowning...
Natia: TREASURE!!!!!!
*Natia comes running out chased by a few Kojin holding large gold objects*
S. Meepel: ... parece que están bien.
Kojin #62: AHA! WE'VE FOUND YOU! You may have taken out 61 of my brethren easily, BUT YOU WON'T DEFEAT ME! For you see, I am IMPO-...
*Katana through the chest*
S. Meepel: Estas cosas son realmente molestas.
Lyse: So we're all present and accounted for...except Alisaie...I'm worried about her...
P. Meepel: She's tough, I'm sure she'll be fine...or at least, manage to get herself kidnapped and not killed thus allowing SOME hope she'll return...
Alisaie: Actually, I'm right here.
Lyse: You're alive! How'd you make it?
P. Meepel: I'm curious myself to be honest.
Alisaie: Hey, I said I'd hold them off...I didn't say I'd try to DEFEAT THEM.  I simply fought until there was an opening and bolted.
P. Meepel: ...makes sense...but I feel like you're leaving a detail out.
Alisaie: ...well, that and Asher showed up, posed in his small clothes distracting them long enough for me to run.
P. Meepel: ...makes sense...in that it doesn't...
Alisaie: So...let's go back and report to the Confederacy that we succeeded.

*at the Confederacy*
P. Meepel: Hey we succeeded.
Ransho: Oh, good to know, we can now let you go to Othard and will support you all the way!
Lyse: That was surprisingly easy.
P. Meepel: Easy? I ALMOST DIED FIGHTING A PRIMAL.
S. Meepel: Menos mal que estuve allí.
Alisaie: So...can we get safe passage to Othard then?
Ransho: Oh, sure! And we'll happily tell those imperials to piss off!
Alisaie: ...sure, let's go with that.
R. Meepel: Like, OMG!! We're going to another continent finally! This is way awesome!
Salo'wen: Going to another continent with Meepel, IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE!
Natia: Yes, we had an OCEAN of fun on the way here after all!
Asher: AHA! MORE PEOPLE WILL COME TO KNOW THE GREATNESS OF MY MANLY QUINTCEPS!
P. Meepel: I...don't think that's a thing...
Quinn: Yeah, you girls go have fun, I'm going to stay right here.  Don't go dying trying to save the world!
D. Meepel: Nonsense, Quinn! You can come join us in our adventure, WE HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM!
Quinn: No no, I'll be fine without you, I can handle not saving the world.
R. Meepel: Oh, it's ok, we all know Quinn is just too scared to go into a land where there are plenty of people who dress better than she does!
Quinn: Can you just...roll over and die?
W. Meepel: Me think Aleph listened *looking at Aleph's corpse at the hands of a large walrus monster*

Bacchus: And thus, the Warrior of Light and her team have traversed into the next level of their quest: NEEDLESS FILLER AND GRINDING.  ...no seriously, that's what it says here.

P. Meepel: Alisaie, you're saying you want to scout on your own?
Alisaie: ...yes, that's literally what I just said, were you listening?
P. Meepel: Well, you were talking to Samurai and I can't understand a word she says so...
S. Meepel: Tal vez ya es hora de que aprendas ...
Alisaie: I feel we can cover more ground if Lyse and myself move on.  It's probably what my brother would say.
W. Meepel: No, Alphinaud stay with us.  He wimpy.
Alisaie: ...ok, you got me there, but I still think we should do that.
Lyse: Yes, anyway, later Meepel! We'll keep in touch with the Linkshell!
*the two characters leave*

P. Meepel: So does anybody know where to go next?
Chunyi: Well, likely, my woman's intuition tells us we should probably find a town.
P. Meepel: Ok, the intuition part makes sense, but not the woman part...
Chunyi: Hey, I totally have a vagina, trust me!
W. Meepel: Stop.  You not girl!
William: Ah, but a giant monster roams the land, for you see, it is not the home of us, but the monster that is roaming for us to seek.
P. Meepel: What the hell did he just say?
D. Meepel: He is referring to that creature over there *points to Gajasura, a monster much larger and more intimidating than the other mobs*
Salo'wen: EEEEEEEK! What is that!?
P. Meepel: That...looks like an A Rank Hunt of this region.
D. Meepel: Verily, we should probably avoid it.  As honorable and glorious a battle it would be, I fear we are not quite ready for such a monster.
P. Meepel: Agreed, it is probably we stay out of it's line of sight, as we are not ready to challenge it.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!!
*strips naked and charges Gajasura*
P. Meepel: ...I think we all know where this is going...
*Asher gets knocked 50 feet away*
Natia: That took him for a ride!
D. Meepel: Did our companion Asher die again?
R. Meepel: As if! He's probably going to like...come back any mo-...
Asher: AHA! IT TAKES MORE THAN THAT TO TAKE ME DOWN!
R. Meepel: ...ment...
William: And you wonder why I never resurrect people...
Asher: Resurrection is unnecessary, for you see, I AM ALIVE AND UNBEATABLE!
Susano: INDEED! For the battle must commence between us!
P. Meepel: Wait...Susano!? What are you doing here and how did you get out of the Ruby Sea and...ok, honestly, I have too many questions.
Susano: I have found a worthy rival, and so the revel must continue until one of us falls! LET THE DUEL COMMENCE!
Asher: ...eeep...

*Asher and Susano "fight" off screen...inasmuch as a one sided slaughter can be considered a fight*
P. Meepel: Like I was saying, we're going to avoid that A Rank, especially since our healer is completely worthless and...William, what's with the hammer?
William: To craft but a gem, one must destroy that which surrounds the gem to magnify the complexity of it's brilliance.
P. Meepel: I don't know who confuses me more, William when he's calm or Samurai.
S. Meepel: Bueno, jódete tú también.
Chunyi: Either way, I feel like maybe we should focus on that mob of enemies over there beating up that poor defenseless guy...I mean, if I were...
D. Meepel: AHA! YES! A glorious means to save an innocent victim!  Off to battle the ungodly sea creatures of...
P. Meepel: ...we both know those creatures are standard fare here and killing them isn't half as glorious as you're making it out to be...
D. Meepel: Paladin, must you compromise my joy? It is still an act of heroism in front of us!  Why, my only regret is that we cannot share this with more people!
*out of nowhere, a random "KWEH!" is heard*
R. Meepel: Uhh...guys, did anyone like...hear that?  It soudned familiar.
W. Meepel: It chocobo, that normal.
R. Meepel: yeah, but like...that sounded just like...
Blue Chocobo dressed in Wild Rose Barding and Helmet of Light: KWEH!!!!!
*Tackles Meepel and starts...licking? her like a dog*
Salo'wen: A Blue Chocobo that is infatuated with Meepel...oh my god? Could it be!? Meepel's personal Chocobo DUMPLIN!?  He does exist!
P. Meepel: God damn it, Dumplin, where did you come from?
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: Right, stupid question...
Natia: One could say he...came out of the blue!
W. Meepel: Left Dumplin in Eorzea, how he get here?
Dumplin: Kweh!
W. Meepel: ...also stupid question...
D. Meepel: Well it seems your trusted and faithful steed has come to aid us, Paladin!
P. Meepel: ...he's as much yours as he is mine...
D. Meepel: Nonsense! You named him, you dressed him, you force fed him food to make him blue, and you mount him the most!  I would never dream of separating you from your noble steed!
P. Meepel: First off, I only made him blue to appease Red Mage.  Secondly, just because you prefer riding giant dragons to strike fear in the hearts of criminals doesn't mean Dumplin doesn't belong to you too!
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: Shut up, Dumplin.
William: It is but fate that a chocobo meets his master, for fate is what brings them together…
Chunyi: Or just a Gysahl Green…
Dumplin: Kewh!
P. Meepel: Yes, I get it, you want to help...but help with what?
Dumplin: Kweh!
W. Meepel: There lots of monsters.  We kill now?
Salo’wen: Oooh! I get to see you kick ass in a large mob yay!
P. Meepel: No, you won’t watch.
Salo’wen: What!? That’s not fair, why not!
P. Meepel: Because I can’t have a simple fangirl of mine act as a liability while a large bunch of monsters exist…
D. Meepel: Unless of course she aids us in our GLORIOUS combat to take down this large scale battle!
Salo’wen: Ooh! I can do that! I can sing to help you!
P. Meepel: ...Sure...why not…

*one FATE later*
Quinn: Well, I clearly did most of the work there, so you have me to thank for us dealing with those Walrus monsters!
Salo’wen: But...Meepel did most of the work!
R. Meepel: Like, yah!  Samurai killed three times as many as everyone else because she’s awesome like that!
S. Meepel: Esa alabanza es innecesaria, Maga Roja.
Quinn: But...I totally set several of them on fire!
Salo’wen/R. Meepel: NOBODY CARES QUINN!
D. Meepel: How fare the others?
Natia: That was a good way to kill time!
Aleph: Aha! Nothing shall stop me as I triumph over the EVIL THREATS of the lovely ladies!
P. Meepel: But you’re...practically swimming in a pool of your own blood…
Aleph: NOTHING!!!  Now give me a big hug, lovely ladies!
Salo’wen: Eeeewwwww! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!!!
D. Meepel: What is the problem!?
Salo’wen: That red stuff on him!!! I can’t stand the sight of it!!!!!
Chunyi: It’s...not...that bad...besides, we just saw Asher get torn in half...practically literally...and it was alright.
Salo’wen: Yeah, but that wasn’t REAL blood so it’s ok!
P. Meepel: Speaking of which, how is Asher?
Susano: *from the distance* AHA! VICTORY IS MINE, MY GLORIOUS RIVAL! WE SHALL MEET AGAIN IN THE FUTURE!
Asher: *death twitch*
P. Meepel: ...ok, you know what? I think we all need a break, where’s the closest town?
Chunyi: I think it’s the underwater town with all the Raen…
W. Meepel: One where Quinn kill random person on purpose…
Quinn: He deserved it, I swear.
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: Yes, Quinn is a horrible person, Dumplin, we all know.

*back at the Raen Village*
Ruby Haired Raen: Please help me!
D. Meepel: Is that the call of a DISTRESSED MAIDEN!?
P. Meepel: ...we’re not noble princes trying to save a woman…
D. Meepel: But we still must adhere to the call of JUSTICE AND HEROISM!
P. Meepel: We don’t even know what problem she has yet though…
D. Meepel: I’m sure whatever it is, IT MUST BE DIRE! WE MUST AID THE POOR CIVILIAN!
Ruby Haired Raen: My friend is asleep!
D. Meepel: …
P. Meepel: You were saying?
D. Meepel: We shall never mention this exchange again, dear sister.
Chunyi: Well, not everyone can be a maiden in danger such as…
W. Meepel: No.
Chunyi: What?
W. Meepel: You not woman, me stop you now.
P. Meepel: I think the better question is “What’s in for us?”
William: It is not the reward one must seek, the adventure that is seeked within the reward that is to be found!
S. Meepel: Porque....
Ruby Haired Raen: Well, you see, my friend is the Ruby Princess so…
D. Meepel: Oh, what was that again Paladin!? Not a princess in danger!?
P. Meepel: I thought you said we weren’t going to discuss this?!
D. Meepel: Yes, but now it is entirely relevant! A princess in danger, NEVER SUCH A CLASSIC QUEST HAS REARED IT’S HEAD BEFORE!
P. Meepel: We literally saved the Sultana of Ul’dah a while back, I’m pretty sure that qualifies…
D. Meepel: Yes, but now we must save a princess!
P. Meepel: Ok, look, I get it, you’re trying to lord the fact that you’re right but is that really a noble and righteous and…
W. Meepel: Both, you stop, now! Annoying me.
R. Meepel: Seriously, you’re like arguing over absolutely nothing! Can we just go ahead and help these people out? I’m sure we’d be TOTALLY rich after this!
P. Meepel: ...did we just get scolded by…
D. Meepel:  I think we did…
P. Meepel: ...I now know what it feels like to be Quinn…
Quinn: What do you mean by THAT!?
W. Meepel: Where we go to save princess?
Ruby Haired Raen: You must go to the VIOLET TIDES!  There is an underwater castle there.
P. Meepel: So we have to do a dungeon...and that will help save her how?
Ruby Haired Raen: Well, see, there’s this object there, it’s the princess’ most valuable treasure!
Natia: Treasure!? TREASURE!!!
S. Meepel: Parece que no tenemos una opción en el asunto …
P. Meepel: *sigh* Ok, Natia can come...or I should say, I don’t think we can keep her out of the team…
D. Meepel: We’ll need a healer no doubt meaning…
William: *swaps to Astologian, stress level increases to 85* Ok, fine, I’ll help, but don’t expect me to save you if you get into any trouble!
D. Meepel: Well, I guess that solves that problem…
P. Meepel: ...or will just end up creating far greater ones…
Quinn: Yeah, sure, bye…
R. Meepel: No way, Quinn, you’re TOTALLY coming with us!  I mean, you’re like totally obligated because of your community service
Quinn: No, I really don’t…
R. Meepel: Like, yes you do! Want me to tell Glasses Guy about this!?
Quinn: ...gods damn it...
P. Meepel: Ok, good, that should round out our entire party...
Asher: A quest into the depths of the unknown!? I SHALL AID YOU IN THIS MANLY ENDEAVOUR! *gentleman pose*
P. Meepel: ...uh, yeah, sure…
Salo’wen: Yay! A dungeon with Meepel! I can’t believe I get to…
P. Meepel: No.
Salo’wen: What!?
P. Meepel: We can’t bring too many people to a small scale mission like this, and frankly having one extra person as is…
*Asher flexes some more*
P. Meepel: ...may prove problematic…
Salo’wen: Awww, but can’t I just cheer you on?
D. Meepel: Much as your enthusiasm is appreciated, I fear it is too dangerous for one such as you!
Chunyi: Yes, come Salo’wen, we’ll have a nice ladies night out!
Salo’wen: But...you’re not a girl!
Chunyi: But...you...I...how long…
P. Meepel: In any event, let’s get going and help these people out…

*At the Violet Tides Castle*
P. Meepel: Ok, so there’s this huge path that seems to be built to somehow allow for water to not go through…
D. Meepel: Is that even necessary?  I mean, we can breathe underwater!
P. Meepel: Yeah but we can’t FIGHT underwater, so this is an added perk.
Natia: One could say this is a breath of fresh air!
P. Meepel: You weren’t even trying there…
Natia: Should I?
W. Meepel: No, stop, it hurt…
P. Meepel: Let’s just get this over with.  We should probably progress as a team, since I’m sure there are dangerous mon-...
Asher: I SHALL SCOUT AHEAD AND DEAL WITH THE MONSTROSITIES MYSELF! FOR THE FAIR PRINCESS!
*Asher runs into the dungeon alone, does not return*
P. Meepel: ...like I was saying, let’s go...as a team…before we get attacked by…
*Giant fish attack the team out of nowhere appearing from a clam*
R. Meepel: ...ok, seriously, that is like SOOOO rude for them to interrupt Paladin like that!
D. Meepel: Looks like we have our work cut out for us, FOR JUSTICE!!!
Natia: More like you’ll be cutting the work out of them!
S. Meepel: Que uno hiere a nivel físico...
*bunch of mobs later*
P. Meepel:  Ha! These fish have NOTHING on me!  I’ll take them all on...or I would if WILLIAM WOULD DO HIS JOB.
William: Oh you’re fine.  It’s just a bunch of fish, they can’t hurt you!
P. Meepel: ...they’re fish the size of an elephant...and pretty sure they’re pirhanas…
D. Meepel: Let us not forget the large eels and sea serpents!
P. Meepel: Yes, that too.
William: And I don’t see how any of this is my problem!
Natia: TREASURE!!!
*Charges underwater treasure chest, unleashes sharks*
William: Oh look, more fish for you to whine about!
P. Meepel: Actually, I relish in the challenge, COME AT ME BRO!
*Dark Knight tanks the sharks*
D. Meepel: AHA! Victory is mine!
P. Meepel: ...you stole my kill…
D. Meepel: For justice, I felt it was only honorable to let you rest and defeat them myself.
P. Meepel: But...I’m fine...seriously, I was looking forward to that!
W. Meepel: No, stop, you two annoying.  Not worth it.
William: Yeah, and besides, you have a giant enemy crab to deal with.
P. Meepel: Please don’t joke about that.
William: ...who said I was joking?
*points to giant crayfish monster*
R. Meepel: So like...where did that thing come from?
Quinn: It was always there, you’re just too dumb to notice.
R. Meepel: Warrior, Quinn’s making fun of me!
W. Meepel: Quinn, bad. Act more, you die.
Quinn: ...fine, she’s not THAT dumb…
P. Meepel: Ok, much as I would like Quinn to get her just desserts, we have a giant crayfish monster to deal with, TO ARMS EVERYONE!
Natia: I'll put you in a cajun and never let you out! You'd better prayfish!
P. Meepel: Sure, let’s go with that.
*one meaningless boss fight later*
D. Meepel: Victory is ours once again, foul beast!
Natia: Guess you’re shellshocked, crabby!
Quinn: ...one fireball, PLEASE LET ME USE ONE FIREBALL!
William: As if that will do us any good…
P. Meepel: In any event, let’s move on…

*Next room*
Palace Guard #1: AHA! We have intruders! TO ARMS!
Palace Guard #2: Yes, we must stop this invasion!
P. Meepel: How...long have you been down here?
Palace Guard #1: WE MUST PROTECT THE PRINCESS!
P. Meepel: ...the same Ruby Princess who left years ago?
Palace Guard #1: YES! THE LOVELY RUBY HAIRED MAIDEN WHO…
Palace Guard #2: ...what is it sir?
Palace Guard #1: ...I think I need to re-evaluate my life…
Asher: It’s ok, for you see, I SHALL HELP YOU FIND A BETTER PATH IN LIFE!
Palace Guard #2: A better path!? There’s something better than guarding this deserted castle of nothing but fish!?
Asher: Indeed! I shall help you in this glorious quest!
D. Meepel: ...Asher is a noble spirit at heart, but this act is...questionable…
William: Oh just let him do it; it gets him out of our hair and he’ll probably die trying anyway.
Palace Guard #1: Yes! Thank you good Asher!  Finally I can be importa-*Bomb fish hits him, killing him, his friend and Asher*
P. Meepel: ...well, can’t say you were wrong about that one…
Quinn: Well, at least that’s two less people to worry about in my life.
Palace Guard #3: OH NO! You’ve killed my friends! You will pay for this INVADERS!
*fight with a bunch of Palace Guards, they all lose*
Palace Guard #7: No! The invasion must be stopped *drops dead*
P. Meepel: ...seriously, how the hell is this an invasion?
Captain of the Guard: YOU’VE KILLED MY MEN! FOR THE RUBY PRINCE-*Katana through the chest*
S. Meepel: Esto se está poniendo ridículo …
Red Haired Woman: NO! You’ve killed all my guards! Now will you face the wrath of the RUBY PRINCESS!
P. Meepel: ...I was told the Ruby Princess was the one in trouble…
D. Meepel: Indeed, this was meant to be our heroic quest to save a damsel! How can she be in front of us?
W. Meepel: It obvious imposter.
P. Meepel: ...yeah, let’s just assume that and kill her then.
Fake Ruby Princess: NO! I am the Ruby Princess, fools!
W. Meepel: If you Ruby Princess, then Chunyi is woman.
F. Ruby Princess: Fool, you will SUFFER THE WRATH OF MY SEDUCTION!
*bunch of coffers appear*
Natia: ...treasure?
P. Meepel: No, Natia, stay away from th-...
Natia: TREASURE!!!!
*Natia runs towards coffer and turns into an old woman*
F. Ruby Princess: Taste my seduction powers!
*Natia completely unaffected, everyone else has to fight it off*
P. Meepel: ...how...did you…
Old Woman Natia: Treasure!
*status wears off*
D. Meepel: Aha!  We must RESPECT THE POWER OF ELDERLY by...BECOMING ELDERLY to defeat this woman!
P. Meepel: ...I hate to say it, but I think you’re right.  Quick, everyone grab a treasure coffer and become...an old woman…
William: ...don’t you mean Old Man in my case?
P. Meepel: No, no I don’t.
Quinn: Noooot happening.
R. Meepel: You’re just worried you’re going to look like an ugly hag when you’re old, Quinn.
Quinn: I’m not turning myself into a wrinkly old bitch, ok?
R. Meepel: So you’d rather be dead than ugly?  Well, I guess you should be dead all the time!
Quinn: ...I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that...and I am not opening that ****ing che-...
*Seduction move, Meepel, William, and Natia, as old women, dodge the move, Quinn gets seduced and gets beaten up*
R. Meepel: ...well, like, I TRIED to help her…
Quinn: Go...to...hell…*drops unconscious*
P. Meepel: Ok, so what’s next?

*room with lots of bomb fish*
P. Meepel: ...I can’t just quit, can I?
D. Meepel: Nay, we must press onward for our quest is nigh!
P. Meepel: So are a bunch of exploding fish…
William: Eh, I’m sure you can handle it…
W. Meepel: Easier to handle if healer healed…
William: Things would also be easier to handle if you didn’t take damage!
W. Meepel: William, me have axe, you want meet?
William: Already have had plenty of acquaintances with Quinn’s...though not as intimate as Natia’s experiences…
Natia: I certainly wouldn’t axe her for help!
Quinn: Natia...no.
Natia: Oh come on! This isn’t something to split hairs over!
Quinn: ...I’d kill you now if I didn’t need an extra meatshield…
P. Meepel: Please, I’m literally doing all the work relating to taking hits in this dungeon and you know it!
D. Meepel: I believe I’ve been doing at least some of the work here, sister!
W. Meepel: Me too!
P. Meepel: ...ok, correction to that.  The 3 of us have been doing all the work!
W. Meepel: That better.
Asher: AHA! Foolish Bombfish!
P. Meepel: ...not even going to bother asking him this…
Asher: For you see, I SHALL OVERCOME THE WRATH THAT IS YOUR EXPLOSIONS!
R. Meepel: Asher, like...no one is asking you to overcome them...we’d like...rather not have them explode...
S. Meepel: Va a morir de nuevo, ¿no?
Asher: COME AT ME VILE VILLAINS!
Susano: Aha, my eternal rival! It seems you have challenged my friends, THE BOMB FISH! For their honor, we must duel!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*expected results ensue, also all bomb fish miraculously cleared out*
P. Meepel: ...well, he DID take care of them…
D. Meepel: Yes, but who is going to take care of him?
William: Not my problem.
W. Meepel: Me think me see final opponent.
P. Meepel: How bad can it be?
*Giant tentacle beast of exactly the sort you expect*
R. Meepel: Like...ewwww!  A bunch of girls and a useless catboy against that thing.  This is totally not fair.
P. Meepel: So...let’s stay AWAY from that thing and kill it from a distance...who is good at ranged combat…
*everyone looks at Quinn*
Quinn: What?
R. Meepel: Like, you’re a Black mage, so this is perfect for you! You can totally kill this thing!
Quinn: ...you want me...to fight...THAT thing? Are you ****ing out of your god damn mind?
R. Meepel: Well I could like totally do it which would prove I’m better than you!
Quinn: OH NO YOU DON’T! YOU’RE ON *****!
*Quinn and Red Mage blast the tentacle monster with lots of explosive magic, inconclusive who did more work when it finally dies*
P. Meepel: ...I can’t believe that worked…
Natia: I can sea what they meant here!
Quinn: Yes, and now you know that I am the most useful person here.
R. Meepel: As if!
*treasure coffer appears...looking very similar to how it was before*
P. Meepel: Yes, Quinn...we all acknowledge how useful you are…and as the “MVP” of this fight, you get first dibs on the spoils…
Natia: TREASURE!
*Paladin knocks Natia out with her shield*
P. Meepel: No.
Quinn: HA! I know you’d come around! Now excuse me I need to…
*Gets turned into an Old woman*
Quinn: ...I swear you won’t get away with this…

*back at the Raen Village*
P. Meepel: So we investigated this place with the Ruby Princess and uhh...what was the point of this again?  Seriously, I don’t think we accomplished anything other than murdering a giant crab…
D. Meepel: And a giant tentacle monster that wished to probably do the unthinkable to us!
W. Meepel: And large amounts of bomb fish.  Explosive.  Not fun.
William: Asher has met his end at the untimely beginning that is the life of the end.
R. Meepel: Well, we DID get to see QUinn turn into an Old woman! That was like TOTALLY worth it!
Quinn: *grumbles* We are never speaking of this again
Ruby haired Maiden: Oh...uh...yeah...about that...I’m the Ruby Princess!
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: …
W. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: …
S. Meepel: Dios mio…¿hicimos todo eso basándonos en una mentira? ¡ al diablo con eso, renuncio!


Bacchus: And so, our Warrior of Light, in what felt like a completely useless quest that accomplished nothing…
P. Meepel: ...because it didn’t accomplish anything.  Seriously, I don’t even know why we went there?  Answers would be nice!
Bacchus: She must learn that her journey is far from over! It is only logical as the world is not saved yet!

[Meeplelard]

NOTE: This is incredibly rough and poorly written.  I wrote it off the cuff as a request by someone, and as a result, this is probably not some of my best work at all.  Apologies for the cringeworthy unfunniness.

Starlight Festival Special!!!!

*in Hauke Manor (Hard)*
P. Meepel: Ok, this doesn’t look too hard.
W. Meepel: Lots of enemies though.
P. Meepel: I’ve handled worse!
D. Meepel: Yes, TO ARMS COMRADES!
Quinn: Do I have to?
R. Meepel: Like, seriously Quinn, do you want to get out of this place or not?
Quinn: ...I hate it when you’re right.
Natia: TREASURE!!!!
*some fighting with the mob later*
P. Meepel: Ok, I’m taking quite a bit of damage here...would be nice if a healing spell happened…
William: Yeah, that would be nice.
P. Meepel: And would be nice if that healing spell was cast by our healer...
William: Such things are handy indeed!
P. Meepel: ...William, you’re our healer, CAST A FREAKING BENEFIC AT VERY LEAST.
William: Don’t feel like it.
S. Meepel: Nuestro curandero es inútil, como siempre…
William: Yeah, I know I’m awesome.
S. Meepel: ...Una puñalada.  ¡ por favor, déjame apuñalarlo una vez!
P. Meepel: Well, looks like we might lose this after all.  If only our HEALER WOULD HEAL US.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *Asher explodes killing all enemies*
D. Meepel: An honorable sacrifice by our companion! ...one that was completely unecessary if our dishonorable Astrologian would heal.
William: Hey, not my problem!
Quinn: Oh god, my make up is ruined! God damn it Asher, your explosion screwed everything up!
Natia: My treasure! It’s been blown up by Asher too!
W. Meepel: All problems would not happen if William did job.
R. Meepel: Like, seriously, that was totally mean William, why do we have you on our team!?
William: Because you guys know you need me…

*later that night*
William: Ah yes, the joys of a restful peace and crafting.  The lovely sounds of Gridanian birds in the middle of La Noscea!
Natia: Hey, you know, if you healed us, we wouldn’t be hurt as much!
William: But when one heals, it is only when they are in pain!
Natia: Yes, we had an explosive victory, but I could have had more treasure!  And our leader, the Warrior of Light, is not happy!  Don’t come crying to me if 3 of Meepel’s selves bother you tonight and don’t let you sleep.
William: Whatever, that won’t happen…
*William tries to go to sleep, electric guitar sound effects heard*
William: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?
Dragon Girl with a Harp: *in a rock tune* William, YOU HAVE CAUSED MUCH SUFFERING! 
William: Meepel? Is that you? ...or rather, which Meepel are you!?
Meepel?: I am the BARD! *dramatic electric guitar sound effects*
William: ...how are you making that sound FROM A HARP!?
B. Meepel: The true spirit of Rock and Roll, and HEavy Metal consides within me!  Also you need to actually start healing us.  Your history has shown you haven’t cast a single healing spell!
William: How do you know my past!?
B. Meepel: The echo.
William: ...touche…
B. Meepel: *singing more Heavy Metal* BUT IN YOUR INACTION, WE LOST A COMPANION!
William: ...Asher dying doesn’t count and you know it…
B. Meepel: NOT THE POINT~!!!  Let me remind you of your past exploits!!!

*Tam-tara Deepcroft*
William: Ok, we DEFINITELY got through this dungeon fine, no one died…
B. Meepel: *electric riff* Yes, but you didn’t do jack! You were a Scholar back then, and had Eos do all the work!
William: And it worked in the end!

*Toto-Rak*
B. Meepel: And you did the same here too!
William: It worked here too!
B. Meepel: Not quite!  Eos struggled to keep up, someone lost their lives here and had to respawn~!  YOUR HEALING COULD HAVE MADE THIS EASIER.
William: Semantics!

*Brayflox Longstop*
B. Meepel: ...and here, you wiped...several times!
William: Wasn’t my fault here…
B. Meepel: It was entirely your fault~!  And even more so when you went to the vault!
William: No, I know for a fact you’re lying there!
B. Meepel: Then let me show you the history that has come to pass, and how much your lack of healing has caused failure on critical mass! *Guitar riffs*

*Vault*
B. Meepel: Here you were an Astrologian, and you died many times!
William: Look, we all know it was Quinn’s fault!
B. Meepel: Was it really?
Echo Quinn: GOD DAMN IT WILLIAM WHY AREN’T YOU HEALING!? I am out of Mana!
Echo William: Because I haven’t drawn a Balance card yet!
Echo Quinn: STOP WITH THE ****ING CARDS AND JUST HEAL ME!
Echo Natia: This is a crappy draw!
Echo Quinn: NOT NOW! William if I die here, I’m taking you with me!
Echo William: Oh you always say that!
William: ...before you say anything, she says that all the time.
B. Meepel: Yes she does *guitar riff* specifically because you could prevent her deaths MANY TIMES and never do.  How many times did Asher die in this dungeon?
William: I dunno, I lost count.
B. Meepel: *plays a really annoying chord on her harp*
William: OW GEEZ! Ok fine.  He died seven thousand, three hundred and twelve times, happy?
B. Meepel: And how many of those deaths could have been prevented if you healed?
William: Uh...none…
*B. Meepel shoots an arrow at William’s foot*
William: YIKES! Watch that.  Ok, fine, about six thousand, seven hundred and twenty three deaths could have been prevented if I healed.
B. Meepel: None of that would have happened, had you been healing! Your teamates wouldn’t hate you, but instead, you’re dealing~!  Now you must go, for your life is reeling~! But before we do, tell me, what are your teachings been kneeling~!?
William: ...none of that makes sense and you know it…
B. Meepel: This coming from the person who makes stuff up on the fly that makes absolutely no sense and confuses everyone.
William: Hey, that’s not my problem!
B. Meepel: ...yeah, you’re hopeless, GOOD BYE!
*B. Meepel leaves*
William: Ok, good, now I can get back to sleep.

*1 hour later, an explosive light happens in William’s room*
William: Ouch, what the heck was that!? How am I supposed to get some sleep with that?!
Wh. Meepel: Oh, I can have you sleep...for eternity ^_^
William: ...you’re back again, Meepel?
Wh. Meepel: Oh, I was never here, but I can make it so you aren’t here ^_^
William: ...right, different person, kind of…so why are you here?
Wh. Meepel: Because I’m going to show you the problems you caused with the rest of the team, and possibly make you suffer~ ^_^
William: ...you’re going to kill me, aren’t you?
Wh. Meepel: Maybe~
William: Ok, fine, what do you want to show me?
Wh. Meepel: But you’re ear on the door, and you might hear something!
Voice of Quinn: THAT STUPID PUSSY! God damn it, I’ve been working on my make up for 5 FUCKING HOURS AND IT’S STILL NOT PERFECT!
William: ...how is this different from normal?
Wh. Meepel: You know she only spends 4 hours on her make up~!
William: yes, and what would she do with that extra hour?
Wh. Meepel: Murder probably ^_^!
William: Uh-huh...and you’re happy about that?
Wh. Meepel: Why wouldn’t I be? Death is the natural state of all things and giving it to them is the most fun thing in the world~!
William: You have issues...I still don’t see why I should care about this?
Wh. Meepel: Well, what about your friend Natia? She had a perfectly good chance to die at the hands of a mimic, but well now she’ll never know~!
Voice of Natia: MY TREASURE! I will never get you now!
William: I...don’t think that’s what she’s crying about…
Wh. Meepel: And then there’s Asher…
William: Ok, no, before you jump in and say it’s my fault he died, I’m just going to tell you that he was going to die in some other method ANYWAY.  Don’t even pretend I could have prevented that!
Wh. Meepel: I suppose you’re right ^_^
William: You done?
Wh. Meepel: No! Paladin’s still angry at you, Dark Knight is questioning your allegiances, and Warrior wants to shove an axe in your back...say Warrior, here’s an opportunity to do it, have fun~!
William: Wait what!? ...why is she not doing it?
Wh. Meepel: Oh phooey, she’s asleep already…
William: Oh well, guess I’ll go to sleep too…
Wh. Meepel: Oh don’t blame me if you get interrupted by someone else tonight ^_^
William: Technically...it is going to be you...in some sense…
Wh. Meepel: Night night ^_^

*1 hour later, whoosh sounds appear in the William’s room*
William: Who the hell is in my room!?
Robed Figure: …
William: ...ok what the hell is going on?
Robed Figure: *points to William*
William: ...you’re Ninja Meepel, aren’t you?
N. Meepel: *holds up sign* Was it really that obvious?
William: Yes it was...except for the fact that I’m use to you running around in a bikini…even in this cold weather...
N. Meepel: Until they change that shire outfit, I’m sticking to that.
William: Isn’t that cutting off your nose in spite your face?
N. Meepel: I’ll cut your nose off if you don’t change your ways.  Your future is looking grim if you don’t
William: Ok, there’s no way you have all those signs for every single possible response I could give.
N. Meepel: You’d be surprised.
William: Really.  Ok, then how will you respond to me saying the word APPLE.
N. Meepel: Banana...and you’re an idiot.
William: …
N. Meepel: Nonetheless, you better start healing us or else…
William: Or else what!?
N. Meepel: *Holds up a sign of William being thrown into the maw of a dragon by Paladin*
William: I see…so either do my job or suffer at the hands of a dragon?  I see, I now know the error of my ways!
N. Meepel: Good, now I must leave!

*next morning*
William: *looks out window* hey Aleph...can you tell me what day it is?
Aleph: Oh, it’s time for...OH MY GOODNESS! IS THAT A GLORIOUS STARLIGHT FESTIVAL KITTEN! PLEASE COME TO MY ARMS! *runs off into the distance, does not return*
William: ...oh, I guess last night was all just a dream.
P. Meepel: Hey, William, you up?  We need to go do the Arbotoreum, and you’re still obligated to help us.
William: Can’t you do it yourself?
P. Meepel: ...you’re hopeless.

Narrator: And so we end this tale with William having learned...absolutely nothing.  I guess that was a waste of time.  At this same night however, someone was having an existential crisis…

Salo’wen: WAAAAAH!!!!!
Chunyi: ...why are you crying?
Salo’wen: I think Meepel hates me
Chunyi: What makes you say that!?
Salo’wen: She never wants me around! I...I...I THINK SHE”D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!
Chunyi: That’s...kind of jumping to conclusions.  Look, Salo’wen, she doesn’t hate you nor think you’re useless.  It’s just...you know...the others have a huge debt to pay and she’s letting you do what you want.
Salo’wen: But I want to be with Meepel!  She’s like the coolest thing ever and she never wants me around.  I think I’ll just jump out of the window.
Chunyi: NO! Ok, just NO! I am NOT becoming a single woman just because my life-partner decided to kill herself over thinking she’s useless!
Salo’wen: But...you’re not a girl!
Chunyi: *facepalms* OK, Salo’wen, if I can prove to you that you in fact make Meepel’s life better in some way, will you stop crying?
Salo’wen: *sniff* Maybe...
Chunyi: OK, look, let’s start by asking her directly…

*at Meepel’s room*
P. Meepel: *in pjs and her hair a mess* WHO THE HELL IS THAT!?
D. Meepel: *still in her armor* It seems we have a guest, sister!
P. Meepel: At this hour? *sigh* Who is it?
Chunyi: Yo, Meepel! It’s me and Salo’wen.
P. Meepel: Oh?  Can it wait til morning, I’m tired.
Salo’wen: SEE!? We’re interrupting her!  She hates me!!!
W. Meepel: *in her small clothes* Just let in, it ok.
*inside*
P. Meepel: Ok, what’s the matter exactly?
Chunyi: Ok, Meepel, can you...please tell Salo’wen that you don’t hate her and she doesn’t make your life worse?
P. Meepel: ...that’s it? Seriously? You bothering me over…
D. Meepel: Yes, you’re fine, LOVELY SALO’WEN!  What would make you think you’re worthless! CHIN UP! YOU ARE A STRONG BARD OF JUSTICE!!!
P. Meepel: ...ok, that works too.  Anything else?
Chunyi: No, I think we’re fine, thank you.

*outisde*
Chunyi: There, Meepel says she likes you, any problems.
Salo’wen: She was just being nice, she really hates me.
Chunyi: Ok, look, Salo’wen, remember that time Meepel was tackled by a chocobo?
Salo’wen: You mean Dumplin?
Chunyi: Yes, and remember how none of us had any idea who it was, but you ddi?
Salo’wen: Yeah?
Chunyi: Well, while Paladin was busy pushing off her pet, you were able to jump right in there and tell us exactly who that was, and saved Meepel the trouble and some frustration!
Salo’wen: I...I guess, but that wasn’t much!
Chunyi: Ok, look at this picture.  Remember the fight with Susano?  Remember how Meepel was having to solo it, but then Samurai appeared?  We all said Samurai got credit but you, YOU gave the credit to Meepel!  Only you saw the bigger picture!
Salo’wen: But...Quinn tried to take the credit.
Chunyi: Yes, and she got a lightning bolt to the face and we all found it hilarious.
Salo’wen: but I have nothing to offer after this!
Chunyi: Ok, Salo’wen, one last question...what is Meepel’s favorite song?
Salo’wen: Oh! That’s Dragonsong, she LOOOOVES that song!  I even memorized the lyrics!
Chunyi: Good, and what kind of person are you?
Salo’wen: I’m a Bard…
Chunyi: Ok so if you kill yourself, who is going to sing Dragonsong in such a pitch perfect way to cheer her up?  See, Salo’wen, you are an ace for us, and without you, Meepel might become completely insufferable!
Salo’wen: So...I’m not useless?
Chunyi: Nope! No, stop looking at that ledge and come back to bed...before Aleph notices the two of us…
Salo’wen: Ok but you have nothing to worry about Aleph…
Chunyi: What do you mean by that?  He loves all female mi’qote!
Salo’wen: Yes, and you’re not a girl so it’s ok!

Narrator: And of course, we can’t have a holiday cheer without a dysfunctional party where EVERYTHING can go wrong!


P. Meepel: Happy Starlight Festival Everyone!
R. Meepel: Like, OMG Paladin! Did you get me a present!?
P. Meepel: Of course I did! You can thank Godbert Manderville for this one!
R. Meepel: *opens gift* LIKE OMG! IT’s GENERAL PURPOSE METALLIC BLUE DYE!  THIS stuff is SOOOOO expensive!  Finally I can not only look blue but it be all shiny! You’re the best Paladin!
P. Meepel: Hey, let’s be fair; Dark Knight and Warrior helped me pick that up.
R. Meepel: Thanks Moms and dad!
D. Meepel: So...which is…
W. Meepel: Best not think of it…
S. Meepel: *opens present, it’s a new veil* Gracias.
Salo’wen: Hey Meepel! I got you a nice present!
D. Meepel: Whatever is this!?
Salo’wen: Oh, it’s a ticket to get your new relic weapon.  I got it from Gerolt.
P. Meepel: ...Dark Knight…
D. Meepel: Yes?
P. Meepel: ...how many tasks is he making us do this time?
D. Meepel: I don’t think you want to see it...I myself am in disbelief over the tasks he’s going to make us get this time…
W. Meepel: Get gift for Chunyi.
Chunyi: Oh how thoughtful.  What is it!? *Snow’s FF13 outfit* ...this is for guys…
W. Meepel: Me not see what problem is…
Quinn: Oh good, glad to see you guys are loving your presents.  I’m going to leave you guys alone and…
R. Meepel: HIIIII QUINN!!!!
Quinn: Oh god damn it, what do you want you ****ing Black Horn.
R. Meepel: We have a present for you!
Quinn: Oh, and who would get a present for me?
R. Meepel: Oh come on! I totally thought of you.  Can’t you at least like humor me?
Quinn: ...fine *opens present* ...what the hell is this?
R. Meepel: It’s a little bit of the same kind of mascara I use! THat way you can be almost as pretty as me!
Quinn: ...I despise you...wait, what’s that other present addressed to me?
P. Meepel: I dunno, it was under the tree when we got here addressed to.
Quinn: Let me see that *checks label* “To Quinn.  From O. W. Yay!!!!” ...oh good god…
D. Meepel: Who is that from?
Quinn: ...someone unimportant you’re better off never meeting...

Chunyi: So...I talked to some guy in Gridania and he wanted me to give everyone this…
P. Meepel: This looks like a Mount horn...just what are we summoning…
Chunyi: I dunno...William, you test it.
William: One does not simply test a mount but whistles into it to summon the beast!
Salo’wen: Oh just blow the horn already!  I’m going to take some of this nice drink!
Chunyi: I don’t think that’s a good idea…
Salo’wen: *one sip later* You don’t *hic* tell me *hic* what to do! *blacksout*
P. Meepel: ...girl can’t hold her liquor, can she?
Chunyi: You have no idea…
William: So...about that horn *blows it, a GIANT CHRISTMAS BEAR appears*
S. Meepel: Dime si alguien lo vio venir…
Asher: AHAAHAHAHH! I shall honor this holiday in traditional Starlight Festival Attire! Behold my almighty VEST! *throws clothes off and poses nude*
Everyone else: …
Asher: Now my present to all of yo is my...UTTER MANLINESS!
Susano: Indeed! There is not a finer gift in the world than the SPIRIT OF A WARRIOR battling it out!  In honor of this great human festival, I shall challenge you to a drink off with EGG NOGG!
Asher; CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher and Susano duel...with eggnogg*
P. Meepel: ...did anyone actually invite either of them?
D. Meepel: No.
S. Meepel: No.
R. Meepel: No.
W. Meepel: No.
P. Meepel: Figures…
Natia: TREASURE!!! *opens up a bunch of boxes*

Narrator: And after that, the entirety of Kugane’s Hotel was exploded, and somehow Quinn was billed with everything even though it was entirely Asher and Natia’s fault.
P. Meepel: Wait, what did Natia do?
Narrator: Uhh...see those Mimics?
P. Meepel: ...say no more...

[Meeplelard]

Episode 6: Dumplin is People Too

Alvin: So...how much you paying me for this?
Narrator: Who said anything about paying? I’m making you do this!
Alvin: What kind of leverage do you have?
Narrator: I’m the Narrator, do you really want to know?
Alvin: *sigh* Fine.  *checks script* So Meepel and her companions, after wasting a lot of time helping the Ruby Princess who wasn’t actually in trouble…
S. Meepel: Cuéntame sobre eso

Alvin: Our heroes end up...why does this script end abruptly exactly? I feel cheated!


P. Meepel: Ok, so where do we go next?
D. Meepel: Hark! There are people to the South West of here that need our help! WE MUST GO RESCUE THEM!
P. Meepel: How do you know that?
D. Meepel: Justice sense!
P. Meepel: ...this is the first time I’ve ever heard of you having such a thing…
Lyse: Wait, what about saving Gosetsu?
Gosetsu: Yeah, what about saving me?
Alisaie: ...wait weren’t you…
Gosetsu: I was and still am!
Alisaie: Wait, then how are you here?
Gosetsu: ...good question…
S. Meepel: Oh, ese era yo.  Puedes darme las gracias más tarde.
Salo’wen: You rescued him without him even noticing he was rescued? That’s so awesome! You really are an awesome hero.
Lyse: So...where do we go next?
Gosetsu: Ah, we should go to Yanxia!  That’s where the Domans are!
P. Meepel: ...sure, let’s go there, not like there’s any other better ideas.  Where is Yanxia?
Gosetsu: It’s to the South West exit of where we are!
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: Aha! As I said, my Justice Sense is accurate as always!
P. Meepel: I have no words…
R. Meepel: So like...can we get going already? If I stay around here any long, the salt water will totally ruin my hair and I’ll start looking like Quinn!
Quinn: As if you could ever gain my looks!
R. Meepel: You’re right, I’m just too much prettier than you for that to be possible!
Quinn: I don’t know, looks like your hair is already getting wet over there.
*she her flicks hair, and walks away irritated*
Alisaie: Well, I think it’s safe to say we know our next destination.
Natia: Yes, we’re going to Yanxia before we have to sea more of this place!
P. Meepel: So...is everyone in agreement then?
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: Shut up, Dumplin.

*in Yanxia*
Lyse Narrative: Yanxia.  A realm that is oppressed by the Garleans, that is part of Doma.  We have crossed the sea to come here and...really, I don’t know what else to say.  It’s basically the same as every other place we’ve been...just people dress differently and the architecture is different.
P. Meepel: Lyse, what are you doing?
Lyse: Oh just thinking VERY LOUDLY.
P. Meepel: Uh-huh…
Quinn: How did I get stuck you worthless scum again?
R. Meepel: Because you’re like a totally horrible person who has to do community service by helping save the world? I mean, duh!
Quinn: ...If you don't stop bothering me, I am going to pellet your pretty little dress full of molten lava.
Natia: That sounds like a hot encounter!
William: It is not the fire that injures the person but the heat from which the fire emits.  For it is in that fire that the fish is cooked!
Chunyi: So...are you a fisherman or a culinarian right now?
William: They are but one and the same under the right circumstances!
Chunyi: ...I’m sorry I asked…
Alisaie: I think we should stop all this...whatever it is we’re doing and actually consider where to go next.  We don’t have any real leads after all…
Gosetsu: Well we could just go to the town just over there! Perhaps they could be of assistance!
D. Meepel: Justice sense tingling.  I feel as though there are people in need of aid over there!
P. Meepel: Is there ever a situation where you DON’T think that?
D. Meepel: Alas, sister, you know very well that there are always those that need help! A heroes job is never finished! TO THE AID OF THE WEAK!
W. Meepel: We go now to town, that ok?
P. Meepel: Yes, sure, as long as makes her happy.

*at the town*
Gosetsu: Aha! Brothers and arms of Doma, it is I, GOSETSU! RETAINER OF LORD CYAN KAIEN!  I HAVE COME BEARING GOOD NEWS THAT I’M NOT DEAD!
Townsperson: ...oh no, he’s alive!
Citizen Guy: Please, get out of here!
Generic woman: THE BUTCHER WILL KILL US!
Alisaie: Not exactly the heart-warming welcome I was expecting…
Gosetsu: It’s ok, Citizens! You can stop the jesting!  I have come to bring hope!
Spoiled Brat Kid: You guys!? What are you doing here!? YOu’ll ruin everything! We were fine being oppressed subjugated folk under THE BUTCHER but now you’re here, they’ll kill us! OR MY NAME ISN’T ISSE!
W. Meepel: Ok, not-Isse.
Isse: ...I mean...you know what I mean by that.  We know why you’re here, please leave!
Lyse: Nonsense! FORMER CITIZENS OF DOMA! I am Lyse of Ala Mhigo! YOU WILL STAND UP TO THE GARLEANS! FOR LIBERTY IS UPON US! I will see to it that you will be freed!!!
Isse: ...what the hell is Ala Mhigo?
P. Meepel: You know, we are halfway across the world, I don’t think it’s a given that they’d know what areas of Eorzea are.  I mean, that’s like saying “I’m Meepel and I’m from Vesper Bay!”
Alisaie: Wait, you’re from Vesper Bay?  I thought you lived in your Free Company house in Lavender Beds.
P. Meepel: I do, but given how frequently I’ve had to return to the Waking Sands, I might as well call THAT home these days.  Perhaps I should inquire with Urianger if I can move in there…
S. Meepel: Ella no está equivocada acerca de eso ...
Random Guy: Ah! You’re from Vesper Bay!  That’s a fine place!
P. Meepel: ...ok now I know you’re screwing with me…
Random Guy: Nonsense! Everyone’s heard of Vesper Bay!
R. Meepel: Ok, like, if you know of Vesper Bay, what is in the middle of the town?
Random Guy: A giant statue of Lolorito, THE GREATEST BUSINESSMAN OF OUR TIMES! ALL HAIL LORD LOLORITO!
P. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: …
Lyse: …
Alisaie: ...
Gosetsu: So...about that joining our resistance…
Isse: It’s not happening ok!? Just leave us, PLEASE!
Lyse: And I refuse to give up on them! But it doesn’t seem like it’ll be possible to convince any of them in their current state of mind…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Throws on a pink dress and a sun-bonnet*
Asher: You there! You will awe at my MANLY SUNDAY Dress and fight in the resistance!
Dumbfounded Guy: I...what?
Asher: You heard me, JOIN IN LIBERATING DOMA NOW!
Dumbfounded Guy: No! I can’t! If I do that, I might die! I can’t die! I’m important!
*Gets hit by a bolt of lightning killing him*
Susano: Aha! Well played, my rival! Standing still managed to allow you to avoid my slightly misguided attack!
Isse: Is that...a primal?
P. Meepel: Yes, yes it is…
Isse: OH GOD! Now we really are going to…
S. Meepel: No, en realidad, no tienes nada de qué preocuparte ... solo confía en mí en esto ...

Isse: ...what?
Lyse: I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere with these people right now, is there another town we might be able to get forces with?
Gosetsu: Well, the resistance HQ is literally in walking distance from here, let’s go there!
D. Meepel: Aha! Finally we will meet fellow warriors in arms for JUSTICE in defeating the vile Garleans!
P. Meepel: ...question…
Gosetsu: Yes?
P. Meepel: Why didn’t we go to the Resistance HQ first? I mean, that seems like a more logical direction to go than the off chance that these cowards…
Isse: I HEARD THAT!
P. Meepel: ...would want to join us?
Gosetsu: Well you see, the reason for that is…
Dumplin: Kweh!!!!
*Dumplin running away from tigers*
Salo’wen: Meepel! Dumplin is in trouble! You need to rescue him!
P. Meepel: Gods damn it, Dumplin!


Alvin: After some...chincannery...the team reaches the HQ of the resistance!
P. Meepel: So...where’s the entrance?
Gosetsu: Right here! We must swim to the entrance! Be careful not to drown my friends! We put it there specifically so invaders can’t get in and only the BRAVEST OF SOULS can reach it! *Gosetsu dives in*
Alisaie: ...I daresay he doesn’t know we can breathe underwater now…
D. Meepel: Fear not, fellow warrior of justice Alisaie, for we shall follow him in suit of the great resistance!
P. Meepel: ...we both know that was completely unnecessary…
Asher: YES! TO ARMS!!!!
*Asher tears his left arm off and dives in*
W. Meepel: No one ask question...at all…
Natia: I guess he’s swimming with a handicap!
William: It is not the hand that is capped, but the cap that is handed!
Chunyi: So...I guess we must part ways for now.
Salo’wen: Wait!? But why!? I want to be more with our GREAT AND MIGHTY WARRIOR OF LIGHT!
Chunyi: Because they might be able to breathe underwater but we can’t.  It would be a shame if a fair maiden such as you and I were to drown. 
Quinn: Disgusting…
Chunyi: What?
Quinn: Nothing about that last statement applies to you AT ALL.
Chunyi: Oh!?
Quinn: First off, it won’t be ashamed if you die because no one cares about you (at least I don’t).  Secondly, you are NOT fair at all, in any sense of the word, especially when I’m around.  And lastly, and most importantly, YOU ARE NOT A MAIDEN!
R. Meepel: Well, like, Chunyi’s more of a fair maiden than you, Quinn!
Lyse: In any event, I feel we should get going…
*At the HQ*
Gosetsu: By the Kami, WHAT HAPPENED HERE!?
Generic Ninja Guy: Well...the Empire attacked...because of an Aetheryte…so we kind of destroyed it so they can’t come back…
Gosetsu: So...how are you all alive?
Generic Ninja Guy: Because we’re Ninjas!
Gosetsu: ah, makes sense!
P. Meepel: Except for the fact that it doesn’t…
Yugiri: Yeah, so...I have news about Lord Hien, SON OF THE LORD KAIEN!
P. Meepel: Whoa, lady! Do NOT sneak up on me like that!
Yugiri: Well, I am a ninja…
P. Meepel: ...fair point…
D. Meepel Wait, how did such WARRIORS OF JUSTICE with the power of Ninjutsu lose to such Rebel scum as…
Generic Ninja Guy: Well, Zenos was with them and…
D. Meepel: ...your situation is now understood…
Yugiri: So...about that news regarding Lord Hien…
Gosetsu: Yes, please tell us! HE IS THE SHINING HOPE OF OUR NATION!
Yugiri: He doesn’t want to join…
Gosetsu: ...what?! THEN ALL IS LOST! QUICK EVERYONE! LET US DO OUR SEPPUKU WE HAVE PRACTICED!
P. Meepel: Wait, how do you practice seppuku without dying exactly? That seems physically impossible…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Commits Seppuku, dies*
Chunyi: Raise your hand if you didn’t see that coming…
William: When one commits seppuku, it is the healing required for the restoration of their body, and it is not from my hands that the healing will commence.
Natia: Well, I’d say he got straight to the point!
Yugiri: ...let me rephrase.  What I meant to say is he’s not going to join simply like that and he needs some convincing.
Lyse: What kind of convincing do you need to restore your homeland?
Yugiri: Well you see…
P. Meepel: ...ah crap, seriously now? When she’s ABOUT to tell us?
Alisaie: What’s going o-...
P. Meepel: Echo.
Alisaie: Oh, well...have fun zoning out while Yugiri tells us exactly what you’re probably going to see!

*monochrome flashback*
Yugiri: Lord Hien, I found you!
Hien: Good job you did too…
Yugiri: JOIN US!
Hien: No.
Yugiri: But why not?
Hien: People don’t seem to want rebellion, who am I to force them to fight!?
Yugiri: But Lord Hien!”
Hien: Look, I tell you what.  You leave, and next time you find me, tell me if the people want to fight or not.  If they want to fight, I’ll lend them my sword against the empire.  If they want to submit, I’ll lend them my head as a peace offering!
Yugiri: That’s...kind of morbid…
Hien: It is, however, profound!


*echo ends*
Lyse: So if we convince these cowardly nobodies to fight, we’ll get a powerful ally in Lord Hien, is that right?
Yugiri: Basically.
P. Meepel: Oh sure, and I’m sure Asher jumping in a pink dress and a sunbonnet did wonders for raising their morale!
Alisaie: Did you seriously have to remind us of that?
W. Meepel: It was, however, humorous.
Lyse: Nevertheless, we need to find someway to get the Domans to fight.  It sounds like this Hien is a strong that would be a valuable ally.  What do we know about the townspeople here?
Gosetsu: According to the others, many are taken to a camp nearbye and forced into labor…
P. Meepel: ...meaning we should go in, rescue them, and show there is hope for all of them to push their morale and make them want to fight.
Alisaie: ...you beat me to saying the same thing by 5 seconds.
D. Meepel: Yes! A glorious act of heroism should make anyone willing to take up arms against the imperial scum! Come sisters, LET US GO RESCUE THEM!
Yugiri: Wait, we should probably handle this a bit more discreetly.
Lyse: What do you have in mind?
Yugiri: Well, we have these tranquilizer darts which we can fire from a long ways away and…

*shift to a scene near the imperial encampment*
P. Meepel: So...hit these things with this dart, they fall down instantly, and we go in and save the day, got that?
Yugiri: Well, that’s PART of the plan!
R. Meepel: Oooh! Can I shoot the dart?  Please!? It’s like so cool!
D. Meepel: Nay! One must do it with precision and direct control! That is the true nature of…
W. Meepel: Meepel FIRE puny darts!
*fires 5 darts and hits 5 different imperials with perfect precision*
P. Meepel: ...when did you become such a good marksmen?
W. Meepel: Is hidden talent.  Sometimes wonder if I should be bard…
Yugiri: Well, a bit more abrupt, but can’t argue with results.  Anyway, for part 2 of the plan, I suggest we grab one of those imperials, steal their clothes and sneak around in the-...
S. Meepel: Esta finito.
*all the prisoners are rescued and behind Meepel*
Yugiri: I...wait...when...how?
P. Meepel: Wow, Samurai, I knew you were efficient but this is a whole new level.  When did you do that?
S. Meepel: Bueno, sobre eso ...

*Echo kicks for Meepel about...herself...it’s best not to question it, from 5 minutes ago*
S. Meepel: ¡Te he encontrado! ¡Ven conmigo si quieres vivir!
Prisoner #1: Uhh...what?
Prisoner #2: How did you get in here without being noticed?
Prisoner #3: ...I don’t think she did…*points to a pile of corpses and destroyed magitek behind her*
Imperial Guy #1: THERE SHE IS! The one who killed all our important guys!
Imperial Guy #2: Yes! Let’s get her!
Imperial Guy #3: The odds may be stacked against us, but she’s clearly fatigued and-...
*Samurai effortlessly takes down the three of them without even so much as unsheathing her blade*
Prisoner #1: ...ok, yeah, I’m not arguing with her, let’s go!
*echo ends*

P. Meepel: …you did all that while we were shooting the tranquilizer...impressive…
Yugiri: But...you were here the entire time...I don’t even…
R. Meepel: Samurai’s like totally awesome like that!  I swear sometimes she’s in 3 places at once, it’s waaaay cool!
Yugiri: This almost seems too good to be true...but I won’t argue with how this went.
Prisoner #4: Oh god! I just remembered something!
P. Meepel: What is it?
Prisoner #4: They said Zenos is coming to inspect us! EVERYONE IN YANXIA iS GOING TO DIE!
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: …
S. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: …
Yugiri: …
W. Meepel: …
Prisoner #4: Should I have mentioned that sooner?
Everyone: YES!!!!


*back at the resistance camp*
Alisaie: So...Zenos is coming and he’s going to be pissed.  We should probably plan an escape route and way to save the town.
Yugiri: No! I must avenge my fallen comrades! He killed many of them!
P. Meepel: I concur.  I want another shot at him, cheating bastard…
Gosetsu: Nay, dear Shadowwalker and Warrior of Light!  You know you don’t stand a chance.
P. Meepel: I eat Primals for breakfast, he got lucky, I can take him!
D. Meepel: Yes, such an evil warrior cannot go unharmed!  LET US GET READY FOR THE REMATCH!
Alisaie: No! I forbid it! Stay here!  You know there isn’t anyone who can take on Zenos 1 on 1…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

*scene shift to Zenos*
Zenos: Ah the smell blood and the battlefield...WHY ISN’T BETTER!? Damn it, I’ve already grown bored of that too? *sigh*
*Asher appears completely naked in front of Zenos*
Asher: AHA! Lord Garlean Imperial Scum, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A CONTEST OF MANLINESS!
Zenos: ...you’re joking…
Asher: Nonsense! You will be forced to face...MY FOOT ABS!
Zenos: …
Susano: Aha! My rival REVELS in the battlefield! Let us continue our battle once and for all!
*Susano engages in battle with Asher*
Zenos: ...I’m just going to ignore that…

*back at base where things matter*
Alisaie: So...we’re staying here tonight to figure out a plan. No one is to leave, NO ONE!
Lyse: It’s going to be hard...but I think I’ll manage…
*later that night*
Yugiri: We’re totally going into town to intercept Zenos, right?
P. Meepel: Took the words right out of my mouth!
*at the village*
Zenos: Ok, you worthless scum, you have two options.  Fight me and die, or I slaughter all of you!
Imperial Mook: Sir, there isn’t anyone who can hear you…
Zenos: Damn it, don’t ruin the moment!
Yugiri: Wait! Legatus Zenos, don’t think you can get away with the murder of my Doman brethren so easily!
Zenos: Ah...do I know you?
Yugiri: I am Yugiri Mistwalker of Doma...well, actually...I’m from the Ruby Sea but that’s an aside!  I am also known as the Shadowwalker, I challenge you!
P. Meepel: Yeah, and I’m here too...you know...still angry at that cheapshot you took back at Rhalgr’s Reach...she kind of took the dramatic entrance from me…
Zenos: ...ok, I will accept a fight from the Warrior of Light, that is intriguing!
Yugiri: What about me!?
Zenos: You can do with my UNENDING WAVE OF USELESS DRONES!
Useless Imperial Drone: Yes sir! Men! To arms! Be prepared to throw your life away ad nauseum because that is exactly what we’re doing!
Yugiri: ...really? That’s your best?
Zenos: I never said it was my best, but I do need company from time to time…
Yugiri: ...fair I suppose…
*Yugiri fights off wave of unending imperials as Meepel and Zenos fight*
P. Meepel: Ok, now I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…
D. Meepel: So does that mean we’re insane here, sister?  We aren’t that much stronger than before!
S. Meepel: Me permitirá.
Zenos: What’s this? A new opponent? I am intrigued! To battle!
*Samurai Meepel and Zenos get into a big epic Advent Children style fight sequence with a few anime flash-steps in the mix*
S. Meepel: *wheeze pant* Usted esta muy fuerte…
Zenos: I have to admit, you put up a much better fight than last time...but enough of this…
W. Meepel: He going to cheat again…
R. Meepel: Like...this is so unfair!
Zenos: Don’t feel bad, you actually made me use all my swords! Take this parting gift!
*Zenos uses cheap bullshit plot one shot move to knock Meepel out*
Zenos: Now give me one good reason to not kill you…

Alvin: So I decided I’m going to be a jerk and end it here.  You guys didn’t pay me enough to go on further…
Narrator: Well, I guess this is a cliffhanger...but yeah, you are a jerk.
Alvin: Yes...I just admitted to that...

[Meeplelard]

Side Quest: The Paragon Path of Paladin…?

Narrator: We go back in time, to when our...heroine? Was but a budding adventurer!  No, this isn’t really important but backstory is a thing we’re doing!


Meepel: So this is Ul’dah?  What should I do first?
Generic Ul’dahian: Oi! You there laddie…
Meepel: But...I’m a girl.
Generic Ul’dahian: I’ll call you whatever I want, laddie!  You should go become an adventurer and choose a class!
Meepel: Ok, what’s that?
Generic Ul’dahian: Oy! Just shut up and go become a Gladiator, Thaumaturge or Pugilist already!
Meepel: Are you sure I should do this?
Generic Ul’dahian: Oy! You should listen to everything I say! In this here part of the world, I’m important!
*Gets run over by a Chocobo Drawn Cart*
Meepel: That’s sad.  Well, I guess I should become a class!

*Gladiator Guild
Mylla: WELCOME TO THE GLADIATOR GUILD! Do you want to become a Gladiator?!
Meepel: I guess?
Mylla: Good, congrats, you’re a Gladiator! Here’s a sword, and go kill some rats and cactii, maybe we’ll give you a shield!
Meepel: Ok!
*Meepel does exactly that*
Meepel: I did it! Can I get a shield?
Mylla: Sure! Here’s your shield! Now you can hit things with it to stun them!  By the way, can you do me a favor and deal with those Marauders?
Meepel: Ok!
*Meepel goes to the Marauders*
Marauder: AHA! There’s the laddie! Get her!
Meepel: ...why does everyone call me that?
*Meepel beats the Marauders*
Pfarmurl: You beat my men! You’ll pay for that, or my name isn’t Pfarmurl!
Momodi: That name is stupid, you know...also PLEASE take it outside, I just cleaned up after the LAST bit of psycho bandits who faced off against a rookie Gladiator.
*Pfarmurl and Meepel fight, Pfarmurl starts to win*
Pfarmurl: NOW YOU WILL KNOW THE WRATH OF PFARMURL THE...uhh...what was my title again?
Mook: You don’t have one, you’re just Pfarmurl...
Pfarmurl: Oh...well...bah, I’ll just kill this newbee.
Red Dressed Man: Not if I have something to do with it!
Pfarmurl: And who are you?
Red Dressed Man: I am Aldis, AND YOU ARE ALREADY-...nah, I’m not going to say it *kicks Pfarmurl in the face*
Pfarmurl: Ow man, that hurts!
Aldis: Do you want me to do it again!?
Prafmurl: No! Please don’t!
Aldis: Good, now return the Merchant’s Goods that apparently everyone forgot about!
Pfarmurl: Yessir!
Aldis: Good.  Hey laddie!
Meepel: ...you’re talking to me, right?
Aldis: Yes.  Good job, keep up the good work, don’t tell anyone I was here!

*Back at the Gladiator Guild*
Mylla: So...did you do it?
Meepel: I think so...was there supposed to be merchants involved?
Mylla: Probably.  Ok, your next quest involves beating up Amal’ja.  These are big lizard guys.  Make sure you don’t die!
Meepel: Ok!


*Right outside Camp Drybone*
Amal’ja Archer #1: WE WILL TAKE OVER THESE USELESS GUYS! IN THE NAME OF LORD IFRIT!
Amal’ja Archer #2: Uh, sir, should we be shouting that?
Amal’ja Archer #1: Of course, for you see, THESE HUMANS MUST KNOW OUR WRATH!  IT’S INTIMIDATION!
Amal’ja Archer #2: But sir, as Archers, aren’t we supposed to attack from a distance and kill them without being seen, defeating the point of intimidation?
Amal’ja Archer #1: YOU HAVE A GOOD POINT! OH LOOK! HERE COMES ONE NOW!
Meepel: Hi, I’m Meepel, Gladiator in training!
Amal’ja Archer #2: ...is she joking?
Amal’ja Archer #1: I dunno, THIS LADDIE HAS INSULTED US! TO ARMS!
*Fight ensues*
Amal’ja Archer #2: Uh, sir?
Amal’ja Archer #1: WHAT IS IT!?
Amal’ja Archer #2: We haven’t made any progress, maybe we should use our weapons?
Amal’ka Archer #1: YOU RAISE A GOOD POINT! LET’S GO!
Aldis:  Hey, that’s not fair ganging up on a young laddie 2 to 1.  I’ll even the odds!
*Aldis and Meepel kill the Amal’ja*
Aldis: Hey, good job kid, now go tell your leader we did this!


*Gladiator’s Guild*
Meepel: I did it...but I had help.
Mylla: Hey, that’s fine.  Gotta take them when you can get them! So who helped you?
Aldis: Yo, ‘sup?
Mylla: ...GET OUT OF HERE YOU’RE BANNED!
Aldis: Oh come on, that was…
Mylla: NOW!
Aldis: Fine, sheesh, guess I’ll just get drunk.

*at the Adventurer’s Guild*
Meepel: So...Aldis...thank you, why does everyone hate you?
Aldis: I was a super awesome guy that everyone loved...but then I did something and got banned.  I do have this awesome sword though!  There’s only two of them in the world!
Assassin: AHA! There he is! The guy named Aldis! Quick everyone, ATTACK HIM WITH ALL YOUR...where did my entire bottom half go?
Aldis: Yeah, I’m not dealing with that crap right now...
Momodi: ...geez, ANOTHER intermediate Gladiator?  That’s the 4th one this week! I need to tell Mylla to stop sending them here. Cleaning up after those assassins is tiring!
Meepel: So...what do we do now?
Aldis: Look just tell Mylla I got everything handled and she doesn’t have to worry about anything!
Meepel: But I can help!
Aldis: SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING!

*Gladiator’s Guild*
Meepel: You don’t have to worry about anything, Aldis has it.
Mylla: Oh, thank you...yeah, sorry about that outburst.  I got a little...emotional...so I’m going to teach you how to throw a shield!  Then after that, you can go save this GLadiator who almost died because of Assassins.
Meepel: Have you done this before?
Mylla: Maybe! BUT NO TIME! HE’S GOING TO DIE!


*one potioning of a Gladiator later*
Aldis: Oh look, we’ve run into each other again, laddie!
Meepel: So...what’s going on with you and her?
Aldis: Look, there’s this criminal organization called the Alacran and they want me...AND ONLY ME...dead.  Now, it’ll be easier if I handle this alone!
Meepel: Ok.
Aldis: YOU GOT THAT!? DO NOT GET HELP!  I’M WARNING YOU!
Meepel: Ok.

*Gladiator’s Guild*
Meepel: Aldis is being hunted but that’s ok, he doesn’t want help!
Mylla: Ok, not sure why you’re telling me that…
Aldis: BECAUSE I’M WARNING YOU, I DON’T NEED HELP!
Mylla: I mean...ok, I get that...I wasn’t going to offer you any but…
Aldis: I’m not joking! I SWEAR I’M DOING THIS ON MY OWN!
Mylla: FINE! Don’t accept my help I wasn’t going to give you!
Meepel: I’m confused…
Aldis: Good! Now let’s all go fight the Alacran together, BECAUSE I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN!
Mylla: AND YOU WON’T GET ANY HELP FROM ME! Meepel, let’s go and assist him!
Meepel: …

*At the Silver Bazaar*
Alacran Jerk: There’s the bounty, let’s do this!
Alacran Man: Yeah, there’s no way this bad ass has a chance against us!
Alacran Dude: He’s totally a coward, he came with friends! THAT ONLY RAISES OUR CHANCES!
*They get beaten badly*
Aldis: I told you I can do this by myself!
Mylla: I know, and that’s why I totally didn’t help you by stabbing the other guy!
Aldis: Glad we see eye to eye!
Alacran: Aha, Aldis we meet again!
Meepel: Hey, your sword looks like Aldis’!
Aldis: Aye, Laddie!  That be Leavold!  He’s my equal and the one we need to watch out for.  In fact we just had a duel off screen that amounted to nothing!
Mylla: It was quite a fierce battle indeed! Glad I helped!  Also Leavold is totally a good guy, why is he bad?
Aldis: Because unlike the laddie Meepel here, Leavold is a big jerk and created the EVIL Alacran criminal organization!
Meepel: Are you going to tell me what happened between you three!?
Mylla: Sure...BACK AT THE GLADIATOR’S GUILD!

*Gladiator’s Guild*
Aldis: So basically...I’m going to deal with him alone, good bye!
Mylla: Yeah...you wanna go help another of my men from the Alacran? They were searching and never returned.
Meepel: Is this a trap?
Mylla: No, just reconnaissance!
Meepel: Ok.

*On reconnaissance*
Meepel: This is boring…
Alacran: AHA! YOU FELL FOR MY TR-*stabbed in the face*
Meepel: Still boring…
Gladiator: You saved me! By the way, Aldis is over there, he wants to tell you something!
Aldis: Yeah, you’re doing good laddie, but what’s important is I CAN DO THIS MYSELF! Leavold is a big jerk and I need to deal with him myself!  MAKE SURE MYLLA KNOWS THIS!
Meepel: OK.

*Back at the Gladiator Base*
Meepel: Aldis has everything under control.
Mylla: Nonsense! He just got arrested by the Brass Blades! Apparently they’re suspicious he’s going to assassinate the Sultana! We have to go and help straighten this out! WIth me rookie!
Meepel: Sure.

*after some useless investigating that is just filler, we’re at the execution site of Aldis*
Aldis: Well, this sucks, but at least I did it all by myself!
Mylla: No Aldis! You can’t die, not when Leavold is still at large!
Leavold: Yeah, how dare you die when we haven’t dueled yet!
Aldis: HA! Just as planned! I got arrested to lure you out and expose you, TRAITOR!
Leavold: ...well I walked into that one…
Mylla: So...large scale battle between the guild and the Alacran, join me, laddie!
Meepel: Ok.
*one epic battle later*
Meepel: We win
Aldis: Now surrender, Leavold!
Leavold: YOU’LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE! *Jumps off a ledge*
Aldis: ...well, I can’t say he’s wrong…
Mylla: Alls well that ends well?
Meepel: But...he’s dead…
Mylla: ALLS. WELL. THAT. ENDS. WELL!

*back at Gladiator Guild*
Mylla: Well, we made up with Aldis, Leavold is beaten, and you’re now good enough to graduate from the guild.  Congrats, laddie!
Meepel: Yay, where do I go from here
Lulutsu: EXTRA EXTRA! Sultana is now going to take Outsiders into being Paladins! GET GOING NOW!
Meepel: Sounds good.  I’ll do it!

*at the Chamber of Rule*
Sultansworn Jenlyns: So, you want to be a Paladin?  Well, lady…
Meepel: ...you called me by the right thing, yay…
Jenlyns: You must EMBARK ON A RIGOROUS TASK! This will be impossible and tough! You must go to Southern Thanalan, light a torch, and kill some undead.
Meepel: Ok.
*Meepel does exactly that, still in Southern Thanalan*
Meepel: Well, that was easy, do I get to be a Paladin now?
Mysterious Rogadynn: Aha! I saw that! Brilliant display! So much that I want you to take this stone! It will serve you well!  Show it to the Sultansworn!
Meepel: Ok, I will do that.

*at the Sultansworn*
Jenlyns: Aha! Well done! Now I will now give you THE SOUL OF A PALADIN! It is a rock with a special design on it, and it will make you a Paladin!
Meepel: Like this one?
Jenlyns: ...by the twelve, YOU HAVE A SOUL OF A PALADIN!? HOW CAN THAT BE!?  Wait, it must have been given to you by...A TRAITOR! Yes, that rogue Paladin who is a bad guy! He broke an oath and must be brought to justice! Do not be deceived by him!
Meepel: He seemed nice…
Jenlyns: DO NOT BE DECEIVED! Now equip your SOUL OF THE PALADIN, and become one of us.
Meepel: So I equip this and then…
*big flashy effects, lightings, other things happen, and when all is said and done…*
P. Meepel: I...feel...livelier, more vivid, more capable of expressing myself! I also feel like I’ve done a whole lot of nothing and went through an entire ordeal of nonsensical bullcrap in an attempt to save some jerk.
Jenlyns: And thus, now you are a true Paladin, but you still have much to learn.
P. Meepel: ...this is going to require more inane nonsense that ultimately doesn't actually tie-in with what I’m going to learn, isn’t it?
Jenlyns: Oh, absolutely!
P. Meepel: Gods damn it.  Can you at least tell me WHY that guy is a traitor?
Jenlyns: Well you see, long ago, we were once respected!
P. Meepel: ...I asked you a simple question…
Jenlyns: The Sultana and people loved us! None were on the level of the Paladins!
P. Meepel: Yes, but can you just…
Jenlyns: And none could match us! We were the finest of the greatest knights of all the land! Even the Heavensward in Ishgard bowed before our divinity!
P. Meepel: I get that, but that has noth-
Jenlyns: AND WE FOUGHT WITH THE GREAT SWORD OATHKEEPER! It was a brilliant and shining sword!
P. Meepel: ...I want one of tho-...wait, that still has nothing to do with what I asked!
Jenlyns: And there was one of us! The greatest of us! WE ALL LOVED HIM! THE WORLD LOVED HIM!
P. Meepel: Are we finally getting to answer my question?
Jenlyns: And then...HE STOLE THE OATHKEEPER! And with that the trust of the Sultansworn was lost! Oh how I wish for the glory days to return!  We will never be looked at the same way again! Woe is us, the Paladins of Old!!!
P. Meepel: Yeah, I’m just...going to practice my new Paladin abilities...far away from here...like La Noscea or something...yeah, that should be far enough away!


*A bunch of dead ringtails later*
Jenlyns: And so no one will ever, EVER trust the Paladins the same way again! EVER!  So anyway, now that my story is done, and I’m glad you were here the entire time.
P. Meepel: Yeah, I totally didn’t go to La Noscea to kill a bunch of wild life for no good reason other than to practice my skills while you were monologuing! Nope! Totally didn’t do that!
Jenlyns: Ah, good! Now you are ready to go and cross-swords with the SULTANSWORN FINEST!
P. Meepel: ...that seems to be rushing things, doesn’t it?
Jenlyns: Nonsense! A Paladin of your level…
P. Meepel: I’ve only been this way for a few hours though…
Jenlyns: Clearly can fight the FINEST of Paladins! Now go off, my young Paladin Lady, and defeat the greatest the Sultansworn has to offer!
P. Meepel: Something tells me this is a really bad idea…

*at Eastern Thanalan*
Sultansworn #1: There you be, rookie! ARE YOU READY TO DUEL THE FINEST OF US!?
P. Meepel: This hardly seems fair…
Sultansworn #2: AH! GOOD! THEN YOU’RE READY! TO ARMS!
*they all trip over their swords*
P. Meepel: ...does that mean I win?
Sultansworn #3: Ay! You have bested us! Such skill with a blade!
P. Meepel: I think it was more the lack of skill in this instance…
Sultansworn #4: Yes, and now you will learn the true art of being a Paladin: HOW TO COVER YOUR ALLIES! It is how we have gone so far!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, I’ll let you live in that delusion of grandeur…

*back at Jenlyns*
P. Meepel: So I learned how to cover…
Jenlyns: You beat my finest warriors, you truly are a talented one!
P. Meepel: I’d say less “beat” and more “watched them beat themselves…”
Jenlyns: That’s good, soon you shall be ready to face Solkzagy!!
P. Meepel: Who?
Jenlyns: The traitorous scum who took our sword!
P. Meepel: Ok, and when were you going to tell me I was going to fight him?
Jenlyns: I swear I did.  Didn’t you listen to my whole history!?
P. Meepel: ...crap…
Jenlyns: Yes, and for you to be ready, you must go to these various locations!
P. Meepel: And just how will that help me?
Jenlyns: Legendary Paladin Gear of the highest order to make you strong!
P. Meepel: ...fair enough!


*Meepel gets the Artifact gear*
P. Meepel: Ok, I got these gloves, coronet, greaves, and pants...but where’s the armor?
Jenlyns: Alas, it was lost in the annuls of time!
P. Meepel: ...you forgot where you left it, didn’t you?
Jenlyns: In laymans terms, yes.  No time for that, I have arranged a parley for you in Southern Thanalan!  GO FORTH YOUNG WARRIOR!
P. Meepel: That seemed awfully convenient...what could go wrong?


*at Southern Thanalan*
Jenlyns: AHA! Now that I have you alone, I SHALL EXPOSE YOU! You were the true traitor all along, young one! I knew it! Solkzagyl chose you as a proxy! But now that you’re here, me and my finest shall defeat you!
P. Meepel: Wait what!? I...you know there is no way I could do that!  Tell me one situation where I should be a suspect?
Jenlyns: Remember my large rant that you left?
P. Meepel: ...wait, you actually noticed that?
Jenlyns: But of course! Now to regain the honor of the Sultansworn!  YOU AND THE MONETARISTS SHALL BE DEFEATED!
P. Meepel: Crap…
*Meepel fights and wins*
Jenlyns: No! I refuse to accept your innocence!
P. Meepel: Look, I didn’t do it, OK!?  I got to Ul’dah, met some drunken guy, got called a man a lot for some strange reason, helped some banned guy from the Gladiator’s Guild deal with his demons only for some prick to die, got shoved into being a Paladin, got a stone from a crazy Rogadynn, and then this happens!?
Jenlyns: And why should I believe you!?
P. Meepel: Because one of your OWN MEN is literally about to stab you in the back as we speak?
Jenlyns: Wait what?! How can this…
*Traitorous Sultansworn about to stab Jenlyns gets a slash in the back*
Solkzagyl: Aha! I got here just in time! Seems I have saved your life, Jenlyns!
Jenlyns: But...you’re the traitor! Why did you save me?
Solkzagyl: Because I’m not a traitor at all, I merely faked it to weed out the TRUE traitors identity! I’ve been loyal the entire time! You were just so full of yourself that you couldn’t even think outside the box…
P. Meepel: Tell me about it...
Jenlyns: ...in that case, we shall speak back in Ul’dah!


*Ul’dah*
P. Meepel: Ok, why couldn’t we just discuss that back there?
Jenlyns: Because I passed out and needed rest…
P. Meepel: ...fair enough.
Jenlyns: In any event, we shall strike back at the Monetarists by fighting them in Snowcloak!
P. Meepel: Why there?
Jenlyns: Because I said so damn it!
P. Meepel: O...k…
Jenlyns: Just go meet with Solkzagyl in East Thanalan to learn more details.
*East Thanalan*
P. Meepel: So what do you need me to do?
Solkzagyl: I don’t know.  Honestly, I think it would have made more sense to just rendezvous at the site...makes me question choosing Jenlyns as my successor…
P. Meepel: ...he’s doing this so he can face the Monetarists single handedly and is going to die if he does, isn’t he?
Solkzagyl: Probably, and we should probably go help him.
P. Meepel: Gods damn it…
*At Snowcloak*
Assassin: Aha, you have fallen for my trap, Sultansworn! Now face the wrath of…
*big shield hits him in the head*
Assassin: Ow! Who did that!?
P. Meepel: Yeah, I’m just going to have to politely ask you to shut up, and it’d be helpful you surrendered and we ended all this stuff now.
Assassin: ...ok, I surrender.
P. Meepel: Figured, now let’s-...wait what?
Assassin: Yeah, you’re a strong, capable, competent fighter, and there’s no way I’d stand a chance against you! I only fight weaklings like that guy who challenged me!
P. Meepel: ...this has to be a joke.
Assassin: No joke! Now I shall flee into the sunset!
*He runs off*
P. Meepel:...but you’re running east, the complete opp-...ah not worth it.
Solkzagyl: And with that, my job here is done!
P. Meepel: But you didn’t do anything…
Solkzagyl: Didn’t I!?
P. Meepel: No, you really didn’t…
Solkzagyl: And now, I shall go off, to find the OATHKEEPER that was stolen from us! Jenlyns, I leave the Sultansworn in your hands!
Jenlyns: Yes sir, oh great and mighty loyal warrior sir!
P. Meepel: So...I think I’m just going to take on the Garlean Empire if you don’t mind…

*sometime later, after Alphinaud has a major **** up and Ishgard has opened its doors and more of Meepel’s...selves...have spawned*

P. Meepel: So...Jenlyns...you wanted me?
Jenlyns: Yes, we have a whole bunch of new recruits and well..
P. Meepel: ...let me guess.  They’re incompetent and you need someone, namely myself, to whip them into shape through example by being...well...competent?
Jenlyns: That’s one way to put it, yes.
P. Meepel: Ok, where are they?
Jenlyns: Camp Bluefog!

*at Camp Bluefog*
P. Meepel: Ok, much as I want to go around calling you guys “maggots’ and all that...I can’t bring myself to do that.  Not the kind of person I am…
Recruit #1: But Miss Lardos, we can’t deal with this stuff here!
Recruit #2: Yes, how are we supposed to defend this spot!? I mean, it’s not like we have weapons or anything!
P. Meepel: ...ok, you see that large sharp object at your sides?
Recruit #3: Oh, you mean this oversized butter knife I used for my toast?
P. Meepel: ...that’s called a sword...it’s a weapon.
Recruit #4: IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!!
P. Meepel: Now, go try practicing this on local wild life.
*Recruits practice and fail on some basic elementals*
Recruit #1: Ma’am, we can’t win! Can you demonstrate!?
P. Meepel: *sigh* Do I have to? Ok, but if you can’t do it after I demonstrate, there’s going to be consequences.
Wh. Meepel: Oooh! Can I deal with them ^_^?
P. Meepel: GODS NO!  Not THAT kind of consequences.  I simply meant I was going to force tough training and calisthenics on them.
Wh. Meepel:  Awww, you’re no fun ;_;
P. Meepel: Anyway, let me show you how it’s done.  You see that giant lizard over there?
Recruit #2: You mean that HUGE BASILISK THAT WILL KILL US ALL!?
P. Meepel: ...that’s supposed to be a routine...nevermind, just watch me.
*Meepel kills the basilisk effortlessly*
P. Meepel: Any questions?
Recruit #1: Wow! You’re so awesome, you could save all of Eorzea!
P. Meepel: Yeah, it’s not like I’ve done that or anything!
W. Meepel: You not being humble…
P. Meepel: Quiet you!
Papashan: Aha! Meepel! Found you!
P. Meepel: ...you were not there 5 minutes ago…
Papashan: Irrelevant! What’s important is Solkzagyl has been in contact with me and said he found The Oathkeeper!
P. Meepel: ...not sure what that has to do with me.
Papashan: Well, he asked for you! He’s in Falcon’s Nest, so head off that way.
P. Meepel: So...it just happens to be in the coldest part of the continent, hidden behind a giant wall of xenophobic jerks?
Papashan: Yes, yes it is!
P. Meepel: That...actually does explain why he couldn’t find it until now…

*At Falcon’s Nest in Western Coerthas*
P. Meepel: Ok, Solkzagyl, where did he go?
Generic Ishgardian: Ah, would you by any chance be looking for a Roeggadynn?
P. Meepel: Yes, yes I am! You wouldn’t happen to know where he is?
Generic Ishgardian: Of course not! I actually had no idea so I figured I’d take a wild guess!
P. Meepel: ...then why did you even bother approaching me?
Generic Ishgardian: Because I’m important!
Wh. Meepel: You are!? Yay ^_^
*5 minutes later, Generic Ishgardian is a corpse, impaled on a giant stone slab*
P. Meepel: ...I think you took things too far…
Wh. Meepel: He wasted our time, so he had it coming ^_^!
W. Meepel: White Mage have issues...
P. Meepel: So does anyone know what happened?
Generic Ishgardian #2: Oi, Lad-...
P. Meepel: No, we’re DONE with that nonsense!
Generic Ishgardian #2: ...I was going to call you “lady”, isn’t that what you are?
P. Meepel: ...oh, sorry, just...you know...bad memories…
Generic Ishgardian #2: In any event, there was a Roeggadynn here who was attacked by the bandits from DEATH’S EMBRACE, and looked almost like a Paladin!  By the way, my name is Hundred Eyes!
P. Meepel: Aha! If it was Solkagyzl, he must have kicked thei-...
Hundred Eyes: ...and met an ill fate.  We buried him over there…
P. Meepel: ...gods damn it…

*At the grave*
P. Meepel: Well crap, what do I do now?
Young Boy: HELP! I’M UNDER ATTACK BY BANDITS!
P. Meepel: ...that’ll do…
*one worthless fight later*
Young Boy: Hey! Are you Meepel?
P. Meepel: Please tell me you actually have some kind of meaningful follow up to that…
Young Boy: Oh! I’m Constaint, I’m a friend of Solkagyzl…
P. Meepel: ...fair enough…
Constaint: Yeah, see...he’s dead...
P. Meepel: I’m aware…so how do you know him?
Constaint: Well, see I begged him really really hard to make me a Paladin and eventually he agreed to make me his pupil! ...but now he’s dead…
P. Meepel: *sigh* Ok, fine, I’ll train you.
Constaint: But I didn’t even as-...
P. Meepel: Look, I could see where this was going, so let’s cut to the chase.  You have a better idea where the Oathkeeper is than I do, and you need to be a Paladin to wield it.  I personally don’t care about it myself granted…
Constaint: How!? It’s a mighty sword among swords with a magnificent glow!
P. Meepel: ...yeah about that…*points to Excalibur Zeta*
Constaint: ...show off…
P. Meepel: So let’s train you up and get that sword from the Monetarist’s back.
Constaint: Sweet! Let’s Train!
*Heavensward quest complete theme*

*At Falcon’s Nest*
P. Meepel: So...Constaint...quick question…
Constaint: Yeah?
P. Meepel: If you’re not a Paladin yet, how are you wearing those boots?
Constaint: Oh, well, when Solkagyzl died, I kind of took his stuff in hopes to get super powers and well...you know…
P. Meepel: ...you do realize it doesn’t work that way at all, right?
Constaint: Look, they keep my feet warm ok!?  Besides, we need to find the other gear!
P. Meepel: So about being a Paladin…
Constaint: No time for that! We need to follow this trail of blood that will lead us to Solkagyzl’s assailants!
P. Meepel: ...I don’t think this kid understands what being a Paladin is at all…
*they find a Gallant Coronet in blood*
Constaint: This is his, NOOO!
P. Meepel: ...why are you reacting this way? We both knew he was dead already…
Constaint: In his honor, I WILL WEAR THIS CORONET!
P. Meepel: But...screw it, not worth it. 
Standard Assailant: AHA! There’s the useless kid that evaded us! Let’s get him!
Constaint: With the power of these boots and this crown, I SHALL VANQUISH THE-...
P. Meepel: ...Circle of Scorn…
*all the assailants explode*
Constaint: ...criminals…
P. Meepel: You can thank me later.  Let’s go back to Falcon’s Nest

*at Falcon’s Nest*
P. Meepel: Ok, you seem to have pent up aggression and it’s not just for Solkagyzl.
Constaint: Ok, they killed my parents, YOU HAPPY!?
P. Meepel: Whoa! I was just asking, sheesh.
Constaint: So I became a bandit...but want to repent, so I want to be a Paladin and getting the Oathkeeper will prove that!
P. Meepel: Yeah, good luck with that...I mean...uh, follow my lead and you may have a chance.
Constaint: So let’s follow the next lead! Clearly this missive I conveniently has will tell us exactly where to go!
P. Meepel: That seems awfully handy...why didn’t you bring it up before...also something doesn’t seem to fit here.
Constaint: Enough! We must go to this tree here and we shall find…
*at the tree*
Constaint: HIS PANTS!!
P. Meepel: ...we went all the way out here to get THAT!?
Constaint: But don’t you see? The more I wear of his stuff the-...
P. Meepel: ...you know? I could have made a very obvious joke, but that’s beneath me, so I’ll simply tell you to keep it to yourself.  In any event, Riversmeet is nearby, let’s head there.
W. Meepel: It faster to teleport to Falcon Nest.
P. Meepel: It also costs more.
W. Meepel: It not a lot…
P. Meepel: Quiet!
*at Camp Riversmeet*
Jenlyns: Aha! Glorious Meepel! I have found you again at last!
P. Meepel: I didn’t know you were looking for me…
Jenlyns: And it seems you now have a Pupil!
P. Meepel: That’s...a generous term for him, I assure you!
Jenlyns: So where is my best buddy Solkagyzl! I revel in seeing him again! Why i remember like it was just yesterday that…
*goes off on another speech while Meepel occasionally nods to pretend she’s paying attention, actuallying wondering how to spend her Poetics*
Jenlyns: And thus, that was how I spent my birthday that year! So how is he?
P. Meepel: ...he’s dead…
Jenlyns: ...oh…
P. Meepel: Yeah, we’re kind of looking for the Oathkeeper so…
Jenlyns: Aha! I shall go find it! For it is I who is worthy!
P. Meepel: Uh, actually, Constaint and myself have this cov-
Jenlyns: OFF I GO!
*Jenlyns runs off in some arbitrary direction*
Constaint: What are the chances he’ll find it?
P. Meepel: ...practically zilch…
Constaint: So I have a crazy idea...let’s attack Death’s Embrace head on and maybe find the weapon that way! I mean, they have it and all!
P. Meepel: That’s...actually rather bold and ingenious…
Constaint: Yeah...GO GET ‘EM!
P. Meepel: ... I figured there was a catch…
*Complicated sequence of events involving help from Ul’dah and House Hailenatte later that let’s be honest is just a crap ton of filler*
Constaint: Hey look, I found Solkagyzl’s Gauntlets! I SHALL WEAR THEM AND BECOME CLOSER TO HIM!
P. Meepel: ...you know what? Because I’m exhausted from all this worthless crap, I’ll just let you have this moment.
Constaint: But something doesn’t make sense...how did DEATH’S EMBRACE have his gauntlets!? That makes no sense! I mean, he didn’t meet them until…
P. Meepel: ...he’s been playing us…
Constaint: No! That’s so unlike him! A Paladin would never deceive!
P. Meepel: Except for that one time that he deceived the entire Sultansworn into believing he was a traitor to expose a real traitor, that somehow led to them thinking I was the culprit despite being with them for all of like a week tops?
Constaint: No! I must have faith that he’s actually dead!
Generic Ishgardian #3: Oh by the way, are you Constaint?
Constaint: Yes?
Generic Ishgardian #3: Yeah...Hundred Eyes got attacked by a bunch of wolves and is on death’s door, you may want to go see him.
P. Meepel: Wait, that guy actually still exists?


*with Hundred Eyes*
Hundred Eyes: Well, I’m dead, farewell my friend!  By the way, Solkagyzl…
P. Meepel: Is still alive, yes, I figured that out, just tell us where he is already?
Hundred Eyes: Fine.  He’s over in the north part of Coertha.
Constaint: Thank you my friend! I shall be a true Paladin yet!
P. Meepel: ...seriously? That’s how you say good bye to a dying friend?
*at Lancegate in Coerthas*
P. Meepel: Ok, we’ve been standing here for a good hour waiting for him, and I’m freezing.
Constaint: Aha! But a Paladin must have conviction to handle the cold!
P. Meepel: And that’s why most of them live in the searing hot desert that is Thanalan…
Constaint: He will come, I tell you! Trust me!
Solkagyzl: Aha! You have passed my test!
P. Meepel: Whoa! Where did yo come from!?
Solkagyzl: I am mysterious in my ways!
P. Meepel: You know, with your knack for showing up out of nowhere unexpectedly, you sure Paladin was the right route to go?
Constaint: Sir! You’re alive, HOW!?  Tell me you somehow were brought back to life and that this all wasn’t some crazy ruse!
Solkagyzl: Oh, well, you see, I FAKED MY DEATH to inspire young Constaint here to become a TRUE PALADIN!
Constaint: ...oh…
P. Meepel: Wait, I thought you were looking for the Oathkeeper?
Solkagyzl: No, I had already found it!
P. Meepel: THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF EVERYTHING I JUST DID!?
Solkagyzl: You see, it wasn’t enough to just FIND it, we have to reactivate it, and only a new true Paladin can do it, so I needed to orchestrate the whole scenario.
P. Meepel: I’m sure there was a far easier, less deceptive way to go about that…
Solkagyzl: And now, for the final act to repower the sword.  Constaint, you must DUEL MEEPEL USING THE MIGHTY OATHKEEPER, THE GREATEST OF PALADIN SWORDS!
P. Meepel: ...my Excalibur Zeta really begs to differ…
Constaint: No, LET’S GO MEEPEL! I WILL CHALLENGE YOU TO…
P. Meepel: ...Circle of Scorn…
*Constaint goes flying*
Solkagyzl: A brilliant match indeed, the Oathkeeper has been restored! Now my young apprentice…
P. Meepel: ...technically, he was mine...heck, you didn’t teach him crap, I taught him everything!
Solkagyzl: You have earned the Oathkeeper, now I must be off! Well done both of you!
P. Meepel: So...I kick your ass and you get the Oathkeeper…
W. Meepel: It make much sense like other things…
P. Meepel: You’re not wrong…
Constaint: Thank you for your help, Meepel. Now I shall be THE BEST FREE PALADIN I CAN BE! I WILL GO FORTH AND BRING LIGHT TO THE WORLD!!!
P. Meepel: Yeah, just don’t get your ass kicked by a basilisk.  I mean, seriously? What kind of Paladin can’t fight basilisk yet employs themselves in Northern Thanalan?

*sometime later, after Meepel has fought an epic battle against the Knights of the Round, a giant dragon, and some sloppy opponent, Meepel decides to go back to the Sultansworn after being told Jenlyns wanted to see her*

Jenlyns: Ah! Meepel! My star pupil!
P. Meepel: I’m not sure you taught me anything…
Jenlyns: Nonsense! You are the greatest person to ever be part of us! Why I remember when we first met!
P. Meepel: Look, can we skip the reminiscing and get straight to the point?  You said you wanted to see me.
Jenlyns: Ah, yes! I got an invitation for you! I have no idea what it’s for!
P. Meepel: ...so why don’t you just give it to me?
Jenlyns: Because, my dear pupil, it all started when this young man came up to me and…
*3 hours of nonsense later*
Jenlyns: And that, my dear Paladin, is how I got this letter! ...say where did she go?
Random Passerby: If you’re talking about the water melon haired Au Ra?  She took the letter and ran far away with it.
Jenlyns: Oh she’ll be back, mark my words!


*with Meepel*
P. Meepel: So...let’s see what this letter says.
Letter: YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO THE UL CUP! JOIN OR SUFFER HUMILIATION OF KNOWING YOU HAVE REJECTED THIS FINE ORDER!  IT WILL BE THE BATTLE OF THE CENTURY AND YOU WILL FOREVER BE DEEMED A CHICKEN IF YOU DON’TJOIN!
-Signed Nanamo Ul Namo
P. Meepel: Well crap, I kind of don’t have a choice now do I?
D. Meepel: Aha! Yes! A tournament of JUSTICE! NARY HAS THERE EVER BEEN A BETTER PLACE TO DISPLAY ONES SKILLS! Hark! Mighty Paladin! To battle we must go! FOR GLORY!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, sure, I accept...I guess...I mean, this WAS from the Sultana herself…wait, what’s this post script?
Letter: PS Please find capable warriors.  I don’t know any others besides you.  Thanks.
P. Meepel: ...gods damn it.  Well, guess I might as well start in the Gladiator Guild.

*at Gladiator Guild*
Mylla: Ah! Meepel! Long time no see!
P. Meepel: Indeed.  When last I saw you, I was practically a different person...heck, did I even count as a person then?
Mylla: Well, you certainly were quite the laddie!
P. Meepel: ...anyway, the UL CUP is starting again, and we kind of need participants besides well...me...and being this is the Gladiator Guild…
Mylla: Say no more! Clearly you should search the entirety of Ul’dah to find suitable warriors!
P. Meepel: ...but I came to you for advi-...
Mylla: GO LOOK FOR THEM YOURSELF! YOU HAVE MY BLESSING!
P. Meepel: …*sigh* Fine.
*after searching a bunch of random dudes and several saying yes or no, Meepel comes across a weird guy*
P. Meepel: You there, suspicious man, can you please join the tournament, we need one more!
Mysterious Man: …
P. Meepel: ...silence doesn’t answer me you realize…
Mysterious Man: Will there be...rewards?
P. Meepel: I...guess?
Mysterious: Ok, I’m in.
P. Meepel: Ok, good…
*Stormblood Quest theme complete theme kicks in*

Mylla: Ok, listen up everyone! Here’s the rules according to the Sultana!
P. Meepel: ...wait, why are you in charge? I thought Nanamo was running this!
Mylla: Quiet! I’M IN CHARGE NOW BECAUSE I’M THE GLADIATOR GUILD LEADER!
Bartholomew: More like the Gladiator Guild Tyranical Bi-*gets hit by a large shield* OW!
Mylla: PAY ATTENTION MAGGOTS! Now the way this works is you fight until you’re knocked out or dead, and if anyone goes for option #2, I will personally kill you myself and disqualify you...SO DON’T KILL ANYONE YOU HEAR!?
P. Meepel: Sure, sounds easy enough; I’m more of the “not dying” type than the “Kill the enemy dead” type after all.
W. Meepel: It better way to live.
P. Meepel: Agreed.
Wh. Meepel: I don’t ^_^
P. Meepel: YOU DON’T COUNT!
Bartholomew: Whatever, I’m the Bronze Bull, you’ll probably put me against some weakling that I will have no problems beating!
Mylla: ...congrats, Bart, you get to face the one and only WARRIOR OF LIGHT HERSELF…
P. Meepel: ...let’s just get this over with.
Bartholomew: THIS little weakling!?  You expect me to think she can take me on!? Yar! I’ll crush her between my might fists and shields! I HAVE THE MIGHTY BRONZE BULL CHARGE! What are YOU going to do about that!?
P. Meepel: ...Shield Bash…
Bartholomew: Shield Bash?
P. Meepel: Shield Bash.
*Meepel Bashes shield into the face of Bartholomew*
Bartholomew: Ow! What the hell was that for!?
P. Meepel: We’re in a battle, last I checked I was trying to kick your ass and you’re suppose to be attempting the same on me?
Bartholomew: Oh, you think you’re funny!? WELL EAT TH-...
*Meepel Shield Bashes him again*
Bartholomew: Damn it, STOP THAT!
P. Meepel: Ok.
*Meepel uses Goring Blade and sends him flying*
Bartholomew: You hit me, that’s cheating!
P. Meepel: Ok, I promise I won’t hit you if you just say two words.
Bartholomew: And what’s that!?
P. Meepel: The word “surrender” preceded by “I”.
Bartholomew: I surrender?
Mylla: AND MEEPEL IS THE WINNER!
Bartholomew: HEY THAT’S NOT FAIR!
D. Meepel: Nonsense! All is fair in love, war, and TOURNAMENT FIGHTINGS if we don’t break the rules!
P. Meepel: ...she’s not wrong…

*Round 2*
P. Meepel: Ok, so I’m ready for this!
Mylla: No you aren’t!
P. Meepel: But...I totally am, what gives?
Mylla: This is a battle Royale, and you’re not in this!
P. Meepel: WHY NOT!?
Mylla: You got seeded.
P. Meepel: Oh, fair enough.  So what should I…
Mylla: Watch! Because whoever wins this may be your next opponent.
P. Meepel: Please, why should I care who…
Constaint: MEEPEL! I HAVE RETURNED AND LOOK! I’M AN AWESOME PALADIN NOW!
P. Meepel: Oh...Constaint...when did you join the tournament?
Constaint: When you recruited me for it!
P. Meepel: Wait I did that? When did that happen?
Midgarsormr: During the montage that skipped you doing that.
P. Meepel: ...what’s a montage?
Constaint: I SHALL NOT LET YOU DOWN!


*Round 2 begins, Constaint defeats some jerk named Franz the Fair*
Constaint: Aha! I shall progress further...for all that I’m feeling exhausted from that fight…
Mylla: Yeah, and unfortunately, YOU STILL HAVE TO FIGHT ME!
Constaint: ...poop…
*Constaint gets eliminated*
Mylla: And soon, I shall be in the finals myself of this tournament I am controlling! Whose my last opponent?
Mysterious Guy: …
Mylla: Aha, the mysterious BLACK LOTUS!
Black Lotus: Yes, I guess I have to fight you?
Mylla: Yes, but don’t think I’ll go easy on...did I just get eliminated without even noticing?
Black Lotus: Yes.
P. Meepel: ...ok, I was watching that whole thing and I have no idea what just happened....he’s going to be my opponent isn’t he?
Black Lotus: Yes, Warrior of Light, we shall battle.
Mylla: Damn it, I was hoping to do this! But for now, we must take a rest.

*sometime later*
P. Meepel: So...the finals are about to happen eh?
Mylla: No, they aren’t.
P. Meepel: ...ok, why aren’t they happening?
Mylla: Your opponent quit.
P. Meepel: Oh, so I win by default, works for me!
Mylla: No! You must investigate! This guy really wanted to fight you and now doesn't.  THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!
P. Meepel: No, seriously, I’m fine with just getting the award by default…
Mylla: NO! THAT IS NOT IN YOUR GLADIATOR SPIRIT!
P. Meepel: ...but...I’ve been a Paladin for at least 2 years now...
Mylla: GET GOING OR YOU’RE BANNED FROM THE GLADIATOR’S GUILD!
P. Meepel: Fine, sheesh…

*After some searching, P. Meepel finds the Black Lotus*
Black Lotus: What do you want?
P. Meepel: I want to win the Tournament and while I’m fine with you surrendering, apparently no one else is.  So…
Black Lotus: Look, I can’t fight ok?!
P. Meepel: And why not?  Please don’t make me ask you multiple times in the same way…
Black Lotus: If I do, something bad will happen.  That’s all you need to know, laddie!
P. Meepel: …that doesn’t really answer anything...except who you are, Aldis…
Aldis: You see, if I don’t-...wait, how did you know it was me, laddie?
P. Meepel: You called me laddie; only a handful of people do that, and you're the only one still alive who is unaccounted for.
Aldis: Oh well...ok then.  Anyway, I was taking care of this kid, then suddenly these guys kidnapped him and said I had to give up the fight if I want to see him again.
P. Meepel: So...hostage situation.  Got it.  OK, I’ll rescue the kid and solve this entire problem, because we both know it’s just going to turn into that.

*one rescue attempt later that honestly there’s no point in going into depth about because they’re all the same*
P. Meepel: There, I’ve saved the kid, the guys have their asses kicked, we have proof that the matches were being fixed by a Lalafell.
Aldis: Ah, good job laddie!
Mylla: Wait, YOU were the Black Lotus the entire time?
P. Meepel: ...ok, when did you get here?
Mylla: I was always here!
P. Meepel: No, you really weren’t.
Mylla: It doesn’t matter, now we can have the finals!  Only Aldis?
Aldis: Yeah?
Mylla: Go as the Black Lotus.  Trust me, things will be a lot easier if they don’t know a guy banned from the Gladiator’s Guild is one of the competitors.
Aldis: Got it!


*at the Ul Cup*
Nanamo: Oh warriors, you two are the greatest of what Ul’dah has to offer! I have no bias in this fight…
P. Meepel: Oh bullshit.  You know as well as I do you’re rooting for me, given you know me personally...heck, you’re even holding a Meepel flag...which I’m honestly surprised they sell…
Aldis: To be fair, you are a country wide celebrity, laddie…
P. Meepel: Touche...
Namamo: BIASES ASIDE, let us have an honorable match between the Warrior of Light and the Black Lotus.
*fight starts, but mid-way, Meepel knocks Aldis’ mask off revealing his identity*
Spectator #1: Oi, is that Aldis, the guy BANISHED FROM THE GLADIATOR GUILD?!
Spectator #2: Oi, it is! This is a sham!
Spectator #3: Quick! Everyone! Riot! That’s the only proper response here!
Aldis: Ok, look, I’m sorry, and if I have to forfeit the match to insure that won’t happen, then so be it.
P. Meepel: I’m fine with that...
Mylla: Hold on...yes, that is Aldis, the banned fighter...and what better way to end the tournament than between one of the greatest swordsmen of our time and the Warrior of Light?  I say, let the fight continue!  Are we going to let such petty things get in the way?
*The crowd suddenly goes wild*
P. Meepel: ...so...are you still going to…
Aldis: No.
Nanamo: The crowd has spoken, and besides, it’s been so long since those trangressions, I think we can finally remove the ban.  LET THE FIGHT CONTINUE!
P. Meepel: Ok, fine, but under one condition…
Nanamo: Yes?
P. Meepel: Play music suitable for an epic final duel between us, and I will give it my all.
Nanamo: How’s Torn from the Heavens?
P. Meepel: That’ll do!


*one big awesome swordfight later, Meepel is victorious*
P. Meepel: God damn it, why did I agree to this?
Aldis: You won…
P. Meepel: Yeah, but...geez, I’m going to be sore in the morning, did you have to hit so hard?
Aldis: Ah, but laddie, it was an epic fight of all time!  Of course I had to give it my all! I just wonder why you didn’t do use Hallowed Ground and Clemency to mitigate the damage!
P. Meepel: ...gods damn it…
Nanamo: And the winner of the Ul Cup is the Warrior of Light, Meepel!  And with that, she can now learn the ability Passage of Arms!
P. Meepel: Oh, joy, that doesn’t sound very interesting.
Nanamo: Oh just try the skill out before you complain.
P. Meepel: Fine but I’m not expecting-*Huge giant wings of light and a big ass barrier appear in front of Meepel as she holds her shield up* ...ok, I won’t lie, that looks pretty awesome.
Nanamo: And with that, the Ul Cup is over!
Mylla: Well done Meepel, I knew you were destined for great things.
P. Meepel: ...sure, say this after I’ve already saved Eorzea more times than I can count…
Aldis: Oi, laddie, let me take you out for a drink, my treat!


Narrator: And with that, we conclude how Paladin came to be who she is.
P. Meepel: That...didn’t explain anything other than maybe my birth.  All that happened was I wasted a lot of time helping some idiots with a sword, and some guy kept calling me “laddie” despite me being female.  Did showing these events accomplish anything?
D. Meepel: Ah,but dear sister, the world now knows your heroic acts of JUSTICE AND HONOR! Truly you have left a mark on us all!

[Meeplelard]

Chapter 7: Quinn’s Nightmare

Hope: ...so...I have to read…
Narrator: Yes.
Hope: And then I…
Narrator: Yes.
Hope: ...one question.
Narrator: Yes?
Hope: Why me!?
P. Meepel: Look, just read the damn paper so I can get back to the story already.
Hope: Ok, but what’s in it for me?
D. Meepel: You’ll be spared having to watch Asher sing.  As a warrior of JUSTICE, I can assure you, this is not something that anyone should ever witness.
Hope: Fine. So...it seems our hero, after being beaten by the villain yet again…
S. Meepel: No me recuerdes...
Hope: And...that seems to be where we’re at...seriously? This is how you begin?

P. Meepel: So...question…
D. Meepel: Yeah?
P. Meepel: How are we still alive?
W. Meepel: Me not know.  Zenos just walk away after armor slightly hurt.
P. Meepel: Yes but...why!?  He could have killed us and…
R. Meepel: Like...seriously, this is hurting my brain!  Where’s Quinn? I need someone to make fun of to totally raise my self esteem!
Yugiri: It seems we’ve failed.  We have the perfect opportunity to do this and we’ve failed.
Alisaie: I’ll say! I told you to wait, but did you listen? No!
P. Meepel: Ok, where did you come from Alisaie?
Alisaie: You had a long time to fight him, is that unreasonable I could get here in that time?
D. Meepel: A fair point, Miss Alisaie!
Alphinaud: Anyway, I could have told you that was a bad idea.  He beat you before, what made you think you had a chance here?
P. Meepel: ...WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM ALPHINAUD!?
Alphinaud: I teleported here?
P. Meepel: No! You didn’t! I know for a fact that you aren’t attuned with any of the Aetherytes here!
S. Meepel: Cálmate, te molesta por nada.
Alisaie: Anyway, you’re still alive, and that’s what matters.  But nothing good came of this…
Asher: AHA! VICTORY IS MINE! I HAVE DEFEATED YOU IN GLORIOUS TRIPLE TRIAD COMBAT!!!  ALL THANKS TO THE GARLEAN LEGATUS!
Susano: I EXPECTED NOTHING LESS OF YOU, MY RIVAL! THE REMATCH SHALL OCCUR UPON THE 4TH DAWN!
Asher: Challenge accepted!
Alisaie: ...ok, ALMOST nothing good came of this…so I will defer our next strategy to my other, more clever half!
Alphinaud: Well...uh...ok, so we still have most of the resistance fighters, our Warrior of Light isn’t dead, and neither is our Shadewalker.  So what we need is some kind of sign to indicate our next move…
Isse: Look! There she is! The Warrior of Light! The one who liberated all the prisoners and saved us!
Former Prisoner #4: Yes, she saved us...and single handedly murdered half the camp in bloody rage…
S. Meepel: ¡Oye, eso fue defensa propia!
Isse: Come! Let us find a way to help the resistance! FOR DOMA’S LIBERATION! SPREAD THE WORD!
Alphinaud: ...well, I’d say that’s a sign of what to do next.  Yugiri, Meepel, Gosetsu?
P. Meepel: Yes?
Yugiri: Yeah?
Gosetsu: Hey, you noticed me!
D. Meepel: How long have you been there, good sir Gosetsu!?
Alphinaud: I think it would be wise we tell Lord Hien about the people’s answer!
Alisaie: Good, than we’ll do exactly that!  You three, go off to there!
P. Meepel: Wait, who died and made you the leader of the Scions?
Alisaie: ...Minfillia?
P. Meepel: ...touche…
R. Meepel: So are we like done here?
Alphinaud: I suppose.  It seems we have a course of action, I’ll head off back to base to help discuss a long term plan!
P. Meepel: Well, good, seems everything is in order, but I feel like something is missing…
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: SHUT UP, DUMPLIN!
Yugiri: In any event, Lord Hien was last seen on the Azim Steppe.  I suggest a number of us go there, while a few remain here…
P. Meepel: ...Alisaie, stay here with your brother, everyone else we’re going to the Steppe.
Alisaie: And why do I have to stay here?
P. Meepel: Because that way I know at least ONE person with a remote sense of competence in combat is around here to insure Alphinaud’s strategies aren’t completely wasted.
Alphinaud: I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult…


*at the Azim Steppe*
Lyse: So what can you tell us about the Azim Steppe?
Yugiri: Everyone here lives in various tribal camps, 50 to be precise.  Our first destination will be Reunion, the central Market area of the Steppe.  We should be able to get information there.
R. Meepel: Like, did you say this is the merchant camp? OMG! I can’t wait to get some cool tribal jewelry! Quinn’s gonna be TOTALLY jealous at my new stuff!
Quinn: You do know I’m right here, you worthless black horn.
Yugiri: I would...advise against using that term, Quinn.
Quinn: Oh, please, how bad can it be? It’s not like the entire Steppe is nothing but worthless black horn Xaelan scum or anything, especially blue-skinned ones!
Yugiri: Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you...
*At Reunion, every single person there is a Xaela, a large majority of them are blue-skinned*
Quinn:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
R. Meepel: This is way cool! I wonder what kind of perfume and makeup they sell here? Maybe they even have a new shade of blue for my outfit!
P. Meepel: Relax, Red Mage, we have more urgent things to worry about...speaking, where should we start looking?
Gosetsu: Perhaps we should ask the locals.  Perhaps one of them can tell us where he was last seen?
P. Meepel: Agreed...though I have no idea where to start looking...or what any of the tribes are for that matter...
Quinn: Oh please, you’re one of them and you don’t even know what they are?  Typical of someone like you.  Now excuse me, I’m going to vomit 50 miles outside of camp!
Chunyi: So...what are the likely-hood of her running into more of them on the Steppe?
Yugiri: Extremely high.  As I said, there are over 50 tribes scattered about the Steppe, and seeing as many of them are hunters, or just out to beat people up…
W. Meepel: What you say is Quinn likely dead?
Yugiri: Probably.
S. Meepel: Así que no sería la primera vez…
Lyse: It’s nice and peaceful here, I thought you said most were warriors?
Yugiri: Oh, that’s because the tribe, the Qestir, that runs this have made a vow of silence!
Lyse: That answers practically nothing...and I thought you said it was neutral?
Yugiri: They’re also complete and total pacifists.  The agreement is anyone can come and shop here, so long as all tribal disputes begin and end at the entrance of the camp.
Gosetsu: So what you’re saying is in Reunion, there are only two kinds of people: Merchants and Customers!  Sounds grand!
D. Meepel: So behave, don’t fight, and all justice and order shall be upheld? Sounds like a good deal!  I can’t see anything wrong coming of this!
W. Meepel: ..why Susano here?
Susano: AH YES! I SHALL PROCURE THIS SWORD AND CHALLENGE MY RIVAL ON THE STEPPE IN GLORIOUS COMBAT TO THE DEATH!
P. Meepel: ...well, at least Asher has ONE place that he can’t be killed by Susano…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*impales himself on one of Susano’s spikes*
William: ...not healing him...
P. Meepel: In any event, we should probably just start asking people if they’ve seen him I guess.  We should probably ask if anyone has seen a...what race is Hien again?
Gosetsu: Hyur, Midlander to be exact!
P. Meepel: Right, we should start by asking if anyone has seen a Hyur.
Red Garbed Fair-Skinned Xaelan: Excuse me, did you say you’re looking for someone who is a Hyur?
R. Meepel: Like, that outfit is TOTALLY what I’m looking for.  Does it come in blue!?
P. Meepel: Oh god, not THIS again.
Red Garbed Fair-Skinned Xaelan: Not what again?
P. Meepel: This.  You know, we’re talking about something, and then a random person comes out of nowhere acting like they can be helpful only to say they have no idea what they’re talking about and then somehow they always end up dead 20 seconds later.
Red Garbed Fair-Skinned Xaelan: ...sorry to hear that? It’s just I heard you’re looking for a Hyur, and there has been on here for quite a while, so I thought they might be the same person.
D. Meepel: Aha! Yes, our efforts bear fruit!
W. Meepel: We not do anything…
P. Meepel: Can we at least get your name before we continue this line of thought?
Red Garbed Fair-Skinned Xaelan: Oh, sorry, yes.  My name is Cirina of the Mol tribe.  Is the person you’re looking for happened to be named Hien?
Yugiri: Yes, yes it is.  How do you know him?
Cirina: He’s been staying with my tribe for quite some time, so I know him well.  Also, is there something wrong with you? I notice you-...
Lyse: Look, explaining our Warrior of Light would take too long.  Just ignore her...intricacies…
Cirina: Ok, but what about your dead comrade drowning in his own blood in this combatless zone?
William: Meh, he’s fine. 
P. Meepel: Strange as it sounds...yes, he’ll be fine.  It’s best you don’t question him…
Cirina: ...and what of the giant deity like figure over there?
D. Meepel: That is something even we cannot answer, I am afraid!
Cirina: Ok, about Hien’s location...
Yellow Dressed Xaela: Hey you, DOTHARL SCUM, you dare look at my GLORIOUS YELLOW OUTFIT?!
Blue Dressed Xaela: Stupid Oronirian jerk, you’re just jealous at my AWESOME Muscular physique!
Oronirian: What? My muscles are totally bigger than yours!  You’re just jealous that we rule over the Steppe!
Dotharli: BAH! Not for a few days you won’t, the Nadaam is near! But why wait then? I SHOULD BEAT YOU UP NOW!
Oronirian: YOU WISH! Next you’ll try to claim to be important!
Dotharli: *spits* That’s it, you’re dead!
White Garbed Masked One: !!!!
Oronirian: I...er…
Dotharli: What?
White Garbed Masked One: -_-
Oronirian: ...he started it…
Dotharli: Fine, we’ll take this outside…
P. Meepel: ...what the hell did I just watch?
Cirina: The Oronir and Dotharl are rival factions, being the two strongest tribes.  The Oronir are the current ruling tribe, but the Dotharl are a strong, fierce warrior clan despite their small numbers.  With the Nadaam near, things are getting tense.
P. Meepel: I guess that answers ONE question I have but now you just raised many others...
Cirina: Oh, I assumed you were a native of the Steppe being a Xaelan yourself…
W. Meepel: ...me call racist, but you also Xaela...me confused...
P. Meepel: Just humor me...
Cirina: Well, the Nadaam is where the strongest tribes on the Steppe on the final day of the Tsagaan Sar, for who should become the ruling Khagan of the Steppe!
P. Meepel: ...so contest of strength happening soon for who rules over this region, got it.  And those weirdos in white?
Cirina: Qestir. The ones who watch over Reunion in silence.
P. Meepel: Ah, ok, got it.
Cirina: Anyway, Hien is often found meditating on a cliff that is conveniently located right here in Reunion!
Lyse: I’m hoping this gets us somewhere…should we check this out?
Gosetsu: Ai, seems as good a lead as any.
P. Meepel: Well, nothing better to do...I guess we’re finally getting somewhere.
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!

*some useless traveling later, the crew finds Hien meditating on a random cliff*
Hien: So you return, Yugiri...well, what is it? My head or my sword?
Yugiri: The people of Doma wish to fight! WE COULD LIBERATE IT NOW!
Hien: Oh...well, I suppose I have to live to my promise.  Ashame, my head was the faster and easier route…
P. Meepel: Did you just state you’d rather have died?  Are we really putting the faith of Doma in someone like that?
Gosetsu: DO NOT QUESTION LORD HIEN! HE IS THE FINEST OF THE FINEST MEN! No one can touch him!  He will lead us into a new age of prosperity!
Hien: ...yes, thank you...Gosetsu...anyway, might you introduce me to your friends, Yugiri?
*one introduction to everyone later and summing up the plot, etc.*
Hien: Ah, yes, I shall lead us to victory!
D. Meepel: Yes, a glorious battle of justice and heroism awaits us! To arms everyone, for tonight, the Empire falls!
Hien: ...except that first there is something I need to do.  I need to repay a debt to the Mol tribe who has taken me in since I’ve come to the step.
P. Meepel: That seems like something that could be held off for later...seriously, we’re fighting a war, and you want to repay some debt that’d be easier to do after you won?
Hien: Well, put it simply, Doma’s spirit might be strong, but our numbers are weak.  I figured adding the greatest warriors of the Azim Steppe to our cause might bolster our chances significantly.
P. Meepel: Ok, and just HOW do you plan on recruiting them?
Hien: By winning the Nadaam in the name of the Mol tribe of course!  As the Khagan, I can easily talk the entire Steppe into assisting Doma, and with Gosestu, Yugiri and those of your from Eorzea, I would say our chances have increased significantly. 
P. Meepel: ...you know, I have absolutely no way to argue that point...well played.
Gosetsu: Ai, so our next destination is?
Hien: We rendezvous with Cirina, and head to the Mol Camp!

*at the Mol tribe encampment*
D. Meepel: Ah! Such a lovely camp! I’m sure this is filled and defended by JUST HEROES AND RIGHTEOUS WARRIORS against the monsters!
Cirina: Actually, we’re just isolated and no one cares about us.
D. Meepel: Oh, my apologies…
Cirina: Anyway, this is my grandmother, the Seeres!  Grandmother, this is Lord Hien, the guy I told you about, and these are his friends!
Hien: Pleasure is all mine! I would be dead if not for your granddaughter.  As token of my gratitude, I WILL WIN THE NADAAM FOR YOU!
P. Meepel: There’s that word again!
Gosetsu: If you don’t mind me asking, what is this Nadaam you speak of?
Hien: Ah, yes, the Nadaam is a big battle held on the Azim Steppe where all tribes fight and the strongest tribe is deemed the one ruling over the Azim Steppe for the next year, with the champion being the Khaghan!*
P. Meepel: And the “Hahn” is…
Seeres: Basically the ruler of the Azim Steppe. 
P. Meepel: ...you know, suddenly I like this idea.  What’s the strongest tribe we can join to insure our vict-...
D. Meepel: Dear sister! Did you not hear?  We are going to assist the lesser tribe for an underdog to be victorious! WE SHALL AIDE THEM IN THEIR QUEST!
Lyse: So if we win with a weak tribe, it’ll show how strong we are and thus make it easy to talk everyone into joining the cause for Doma?
Hien: That was the idea, yes.
P. Meepel: ...you do realize the chances of this working are abysmal, right?
S. Meepel: No conmigo, no lo es.
P. Meepel: I don’t think anyone, even you, could solo the entire Steppe in a Battle Royale like this...
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher goes to win the Nadaam single handedly, despite it not even starting yet, gets murdered by random pack of Malboros he just happens to run across*
Quinn: Wait just a damn minute!
R. Meepel: Like, what do you want?
Quinn: You expect ME to help a bunch of WORTHLESS BLACKHORNS in their USELESS TRADITION, nearly getting me killed? What makes you think I’ll agree to that!?
R. Meepel: Seriously, Quinn, you’re like required to help us…
Natia: At least they’re not greenhorns!
P. Meepel: ...I have no response to that...
Quinn: No! I absolutely refuse!
R. Meepel: Alright Quinn, we can leave you here if like.  But I have, like, one question, you know.  How are you going to leave when you can’t pay the teleport funds since we’re like in charge of your cash?
Quinn: ...twelve damn it, I hate you…
Seeres: It won’t be so simple for you to help us, however!
Lyse: And why is that?
Seeres: You are not one of us, afterall.
P. Meepel: Hey, I’m totally a Xaela just like the rest of the Steppe! I should be allowed in!
Cirina: She means you’re not recognized by the Steppe as someone who can act here.
P. Meepel: ...just tell me what we as a collective have to do to be valid.
Seeres: Oh, simple, there’s a large structure to the north of here called Bardam’s Mettle.  If you go there, kill a giant bird, then ride a giant bird, you will be accepted and can join whatever clan you prefer.
P. Meepel: I still don’t see why it wouldn’t be easier to just join a strong clan, win that one, and then tell everyone else to join you.
D. Meepel: Come now, sister!  We must help the weak and inept ones in order to gain glory on the battlefield! It is the right and just thing to do, to aid those who are feeble and helpless!
Alisaie: I’m pretty there were a number of ways you could have worded that without making them look weak.
Hien: So be it, we shall go to Bardam’s Mettle!

*At the Bardam’s Meddle*
Hien: Ah, this is our location.  I feel in order to approach this properly, we shall send in a scout team to handle it.
P. Meepel: Let me guess.  “Hey Warrior of Light! Go in there with a few adventurers and scout the place out, possibly kill all the enemies, and tell us everything is alright.”
Hien: Well, actually, I was going to recommend that myself, Gosetsu and Lyse head in there while you and your crew keep watch out here, but since you so graciously volunteered.
W. Meepel: You have big mouth, Paladin.
P. Meepel: Oh shut up.  Anyway, Quinn, Asher, Natia, and William, let’s get going.
Quinn: Do I ha-...
P. Meepel: YES!
Natia: Let’s put the pedal to the Meddle!
Asher: MY GLORIOUS FOOT ABS ARE READY!
*in the dungeon*
P. Meepel: Ok, so usual strategy here. I divert enemies, you guys blow them up, and William will keep us hea-...William, what are you holding.
William: A hammer.
P. Meepel: ...but you’re a healer, what do you need with a hammer?
William: To craft the essence of this dungeon, as the Gold Smith that I am!
P. Meepel: How...did you enter this place..as a Gold Smith?
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: Shut Up Dum-...wait, HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!? Chocobos don’t enter dungeons!
Dumplin: Kweh!
W. Meepel: Me think we stuck with him.
D. Meepel: Yes, our glorious team involving a skilled crafter and a chocobo, NEVER HAS A STRONGER TEAM OF JUSTICE BEEN BUILT!
P. Meepel: You do realize we’re only doing this to pass a test, right?
Dumplin: Kweh!
*Dumplin runs off*
P. Meepel: ...he’s going to get himself killed, isn’t he?
Voice of Salo’wen: No! You have to go save him! He’s your mighty steed, Meepel!
P. Meepel: ...why do I hear Salo’wen’s voice in my head?
Voice of Salo’wen: Linkpearl!
P. Meeplel: ...touche…side note, change that things frequency...
Quinn: Oh please, she’ll figure out your frequency because she knows everything about you.
Natia: Wow, William’s really crafting this meddle!
P. Meepel: ...let’s just...get this over with…
Dumplin: KWEH!!!!!!
*Dumplin comes running back towards the party*
P. Meepel: Great, what is it this ti-*sees a huge wave of enemies*  GOD DAMN IT, DUMPLIN!
*one large mob later*
D. Meepel: Aha, yes, no monster is enough for our glory! Isn’t that right, companion Asher!
*Asher is on the ground dead*
P. Meepel: ...Red Mage, do you know Veraise ye-...
R. Meepel: Like, no! He wouldn’t be dead if he was.  I’m totally on top of that stuff.
P. Meepel: Well, we’re down a companion, our healer is too busy making jewelry,  and I have 2 incompetents and a chocobo...what could make this situation even more complicated?
S. Meepel: Si, un Primal podría aparecer de la nada y ofrecer ayuda.
Susano: AHA! It seems my eternal rival has since fallen! You are in need of assistance, I SHALL JOIN YOU IN THIS ENDEAVOUR!!
S. Meepel: ... tal vez sea yo quien tiene la boca grande…
*Primal Susano joins the team...briefly*

*after a few mobs later*
Natia: TREASURE!!!!
P. Meepel: Natia, I don’t think that’s a wise…
*Natia opens chest, chest turns out to be a mimic, as well as all those nearby*
Natia: What!? Those aren’t supposed to be here! Treasure, why have you forsaken me!?
W. Meepel: Natia, if we die, it your fault.
Dumplin: KWEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
P. Meepel: Great, what did you do this time?
*Meepel looks up and a giant boulder is rolling towards the team, Indiana Jones style*
P. Meepel: ...I’m done.  I quit.  Dark Knight, you’re leading the rest of this expedition.  I’m taking a nap.
D. Meepel: If you insist, sister!
Quinn: Good, that’s one less Blackhorn to deal with.
William: When Meepel leaves, she does not leave but rather, changes in the leave.
Quinn: Don’t break me out of this, OK!? Let me be in a moment of pea-...
*Quinn gets run over by said boulder*
R. Meepel: Like, that was totally hilarious!  I’m so going to tell the rest of the Azim Steppe about that!
*Quinn, on the ground, crushed by a boulder, half dead, gives Red Mage the finger*
Susano: And so, I must take my leave at this point! It was a pleasure aiding those that assist my ETERNAL RIVAL!
S. Meepel: Pero... no hiciste nada…
Susano: Now, I shall take my leave!  Farewell!
S. Meepel: Yo estoy muy confudido…
Natia: Well, one could say our next enemy is quite boss!
D. Meepel: Companion Natia, are you insinuating that our next enemy is…
*everyone sees a giant statue moving*
D. Meepel: ...a worthy foe indeed, we shall do battle!
Hunter of Bardam: WARRIORS! You must pass the test to go forth! 3 rounds, you are allowed one mistake per round! If anyone passes all 3 rounds, you may all progress!
D. Meepel: Seems easy enough!
Natia: This could be a smashing experience!
Quinn: This is so going to ruin my hair.  Can I skip this?
R. Meepel: Like, no! You totally need to help us.
Quinn: *Sigh* Fine.
Hunter of Bardam: AND THE RAEN HAS FAILED!
Quinn: Wait, what did I do!?
Hunter of Bardam: YOU WERE HIT! THEREFOR YOU MUST BE PARALYZED!
Quinn: ...why has the twelve forsaken me…
Dumplin: KWEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*Dumplin runs around the arena like a headless chocobo*
Natia: Ooh! TREASURE!
*Natia runs right into an explosion, fails the test*
D. Meepel: It would appear we have already lost two of our allies.  William, Asher! We must not fail!
William: Asher is but a corpse on the ground!
D. Meepel: Fair, but we must insure we do not fail this!  Now, William, be on the move! Remember to avoid the meteors, and stand in the large pillars.
*William is busy attempting to crafting special earrings*
D. Meepel: William! If you keep this up, you will fail!
*William gets hit by a shockwave, fails the quest*
D. Meepel: It is up to me! I must not…
*Dark Knight steps in a trap*
D. Meepel: ...I have failed thee, my friends.
Hunter of Bardam: Aha! Well done warriors! You have passed the test!
W. Meepel: Wait, who pass? We all fail.
Hunter of Bardam: Nonsense! There was but one who succeeded!
Quinn: It better not be who I think-....
*Dumplin still running around like a headless chocobo, somehow managing to avoid all the hits and passing the exam*
Quinn: ...you know, that was actually better than what I was expecting…

*more insanity of the dungeon ensues, involving Dark Knight screaming justice as she slaughters mindless mobs, Quinn complaining about her hair, William attempting to craft more objects despite being physically impossible, Natia...being Natia, and Asher miraculously coming back to life for the sake of arm wrestling a boulder...it goes about as well as you expect*

Dumplin: KWEH! KWEH! KWEH!!!
D. Meepel: What is it, noble steed of Paladin!?
Dumplin: KWEH!!!
*Dumplin points to the Yoi, a giant bird*
D. Meepel: Ah, yes, it is our target! Come to me, Dark Warriors, BATTLE AWAITS US!
Quinn: ...I take offense to that…
William: There is but naught that Quinn is not offended by.
*William continues to craft some jewelry*
Natia: I say we wing it!
Quinn: Can I kill her, please?
D. Meepel: Nay! Natia is as much an ally as you or William!
S. Meepel: Les das mucho crédito.
*one uneventful boss fight later*
D. Meepel: That was disappointing...but we have succeeded in our heroic mission! Comrades, let us enjoy this victory!
Dumplin: Kweh!
D. Meepel: Indeed! I shall let Paladin know of our exploits!
*the team heads outside*
Hien: Ah, so how did it go?
D. Meepel: A complete and total success! We have passed the trials, and can thus aide the Mol to VICTORY in the Nadaam!
Hien: Ah, yes! Excellent! It’s worth noting that we passed our own tests here going down a different path.
Lyse: Yes, it was a little too convenient that it was there…
Gosetsu: Nonsense! It was a tough battle! But we have persevered!


P. Meepel: *yawns* I’m up, what did I miss?
Hien: It seems we have all succeeded and are ready to be accepted to participate in the Nadaam.
P. Meepel: Oh, you mean that’s still a thing? Well, good to know this dungeon is over and we can get on with actually meaningful stuff.
Random Xaela #1: Not we have anything to do with it!
Random Xaela #2: Yes, we’ll have the final say whether you can are not!
P. Meepel: And who...are you exactly?
Random Xaela #1: QUIET! YOU ARE COMING WITH US TO THE DAWN THRONE RIGHT THIS INSTANCE!
P. Meepel: And if we don’t?
Random Xaela #2: ...it’ll make this whole exchange awkward.  Look, Magnai, the current Khaghan, demands that you as outsiders come to the Dawn Throne and well, you wouldn’t want to go against our political structure and undermine everything, would you?
HIen: I’m afraid he has a point.
P. Meepel: What point? We could just jump on our chocobos and run past them with no problems.  They’re not even threatening us.
Random Xaela #1: See? I TOLD YOU THE THREATEN THEM METHOD WOULD WORK BETTER!
Random Xaela #2: Look, we haven’t failed yet! Come on, let’s continue the diplomacy method!
Lyse: You know, I feel bad for them...maybe we should go with them.  What could possibly go wrong?
P. Meepel: ...I seriously can’t believe you just said that…

Hope: What can...indeed...go...wrong...seriously, why am I just repeating what they said here?
Narrator: You’re SUPPOSE to read it dramatically, to make people excited to see the next episode.
Hope: But nothing here indicates that! It’s just a bunch of words and I’m still not even sure why I’m here.
Narrator: Yes, but the people must know this is a cliffhanger ending that leads to exciting stuff in the next chapter.
Hope: ...can I go now?

[Meeplelard]

Yes, I'm updating after FOREVER, but I am not dropping this anytime soon!

----
Chapter 8: Quinn's Nightmare Continues

P. Meepel: So...let me get this straight.  You randomly decided that we can’t participate in the Nadaam because we’re outsiders, and you’re the the Khagan, therefore we should just shut up, let you do what you want, and maybe you’ll let us join.
Xaelan Chief: Yes, that’s right.  Glad we both see eye to eye.
P. Meepel: Wait, who said I agree? I was just trying to…
D. Meepel: Nay, Sister, just go with it.  Easier that way.
P. Meepel: Why is everyone being so complacent with these people?  Have we suddenly lost our spine?
Lyse: Well, I mean, this IS the Oronir Encampment, and they are considered the strongest tribe on the Steppe…
Hien: And that is Magnai, their leader, so we probably should show some semblance of respect.
P. Meepel: ...I still don’t know why we didn’t just run for it when his men showed up at Bardham’s Meddle…
Magnai: In any event, if you want to fight in the Nadaam, OUTSIDERS, you must listen to the WILL OF THE SUN!!!  And I, as the chief of the Oronir, and thereby VOICE of the sun, demand you do tasks for us!  Only then will I let you fight for the Mol in the Nadaam!
P. Meepel: So..what’s your obsession with the sun?
Magnai: Unlike most Xaela, who are children of the moon goddess, we are the descendents of the sun god himself!  It is why we are destined to rule over the Steppe!
P. Meepel: ...please don’t tell me the entire Steppe believes that…
Hien: Actually, every tribe has their own customs and beliefs, so I’m pretty sure this is just theirs.  In fact, one tribe believes that the Au Ra, both Xaela and Raen alike, use to never exist, and then a giant dragon appeared from the skies, and within a few years, the Au Ra were born!
Gosetsu: Yeah, and Hien still believes in the tonberries under his bed!
Hien: Hey! That’s not fair! I was but a young child then when you told me that story!
Gosetsu: ...you were 15 years old…
P. Meepel: Look, we can make fun of Lord Hien later, what matters now is…
Magnai: HEY! I make the call around here!
P. Meepel: ...uh, ok, I was about to say…
Magnai: Quiet! You will listen to what I have to say, THE SUN WILLS IT! FOR WE ARE IT’S CHILDREN!
R. Meepel: Like, he totally needs to chill…
Quinn: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with you.
Magnai: Ok, FINE! Here’s what’s going to happen! You there, with the hair!
Lyse: Is he referring to me?
Hien: I think he might be referring to me…
Magnai: BOTH OF YOU! You will go off and tend our mating needs!
Hien: Wait what!?
Lyse: That’s disgusting!
Magnai: Hey! Our livestock farmers need help and it’s breeding season, what’s wrong with that!?  What did you think I meant?
Hien: Oh, that’s not so bad, I thought you meant…
Lyse: YES! We will help with breeding the livestock! Let’s go!
Magnai: And you, Mi’qote crafter.
William: Yes?
Magnai: Go do some crafting stuff, I don’t care, ask the artisans what we need.
William: It is not artisans that make stuff, it is the stuff that makes artisans.
P. Meepel: Before you ask, no, you’re not suppose to understand him.
Magnai: You there, Xaela from a different country!
D. Meepel: I believe he’s talking about us Sis…
P. Meepel: I KNOW THAT! Yes, what do you want?
Magnai: I need you and the Samurai to go investigate our rivals, the Dotharl, and see what they’re up to
P. Meepel: So you’re asking us...to cheat for you...so you can win the Nadaam...you do realize we’re your enemies too right?
Magnai: Yes, but unlike them, you don’t stand a chance of winning! THE SUN WILLS IT!
Gosetsu: Let’s just get this over with, ok?
P. Meepel: Ok, but you didn’t give some of my companions jobs.
Magnai: Oh, well, the other Catboy can join you too, I’m sure this isn’t too hard for him.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher runs out of the room and jumps off the top of the Dawn Throne to a painful death*
R. Meepel: Do I have to revive him?
W. Meepel: Not worth mana.
Magnai: And as far as the Raen goes…
Quinn: Oh great, I’m suppose to take orders from a stupid Black Horned Scum, am I?
Magnai: ...ignoring the way you said that, you’ll be looking at the young ones!
Quinn: ...wait what!?
R. Meepel: OH. EM. GEE! You get to play Baby Sitter! Have Fun Quinn~
Quinn: *getting dragged off by the guards* I’LL MAKE YOU PAY AFTER I MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!
P. Meepel: ...strangely calm by her standards...
Gosetsu: In any event, shall we be off?
P. Meepel: Might as well...should probably grab Asher’s Corpse while we’re at it…
D. Meepel: Say, where’s our companion Natia!?
W. Meepel: Methink she watching treasury…
P. Meepel: ...why do I get the feeling she wasn’t actually assigned that?
S. Meepel: Para ser justos, ¿importa?


*at the Dotharl Camp*
P. Meepel: So...this is the Dotharl...do you know anything about them?
Gosetsu: Can’t say I do. 
Masculine Tribesman named Agujam: OH! YOU THERE! YOU ARE NOT OF OUR TRIBE!
P. Meepel: Gee what gave it away…
Gosetsu: To be fair, you ARE the same race as them, so you could probably pass off as them..
W. Meepel: Me think skin too light for them fall for that…
Gosetsu: Well, you’d have a better chance than our other comrade…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!
*Asher runs off to a random Dotharl*
Asher: Hey you, I am part of your clan, let me in as one of your elite warriors!
Female Xaela named Khorijin: WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU!? Do you know who are you dealing with!?
Asher: Why yes, fellow clansman! IT IS I! ASHER OF THE…why is there a knife in my chest?
Khorijin: Jerk.  That’s what you get for messing with us!
Asher: Aha! It’ll take more than 7 pints of blood loss for me to…*drops dead*
P. Meepel: ...I guess this is the part where we apologize for that...uhh…whatever you want to call it...
Gosetsu: Aye, we are indeed outsiders, we mean you no harm!
Khorijin: ...oh, well, then you have nothing to fear from us.  Quick, Agujam, take them to our leader!
Agujam: I see no reason why this can’t go horribly wrong!
*at the Chief’s camp*
Chief Sadu: HEY! WHY DID YOU BRING THESE OUTSIDERS HERE!?
Agujam: I’m sorry, ma’ma, but since when were we xenophobic?
Sadu: Since the Nadaam is about to happen and spies can be anywhere! Seriously, what’s wrong with you!?
Agujam: Don’t hurt me!
Sadu: ...where’s your pride as a Dotharl? You know death is not something to be feared!
Agujam: Oh, I don’t fear death, I DO fear you throwing stuff at me again.  THAT HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING IN COMBAT I SWEAR!
P. Meepel: What the heck are we watching?
D. Meepel: It seems a dispute between a low ranking tribesman and the chief…
P. Meepel: Well, I figured THAT much…
Sadu: *ahem* Well, now that that’s done, I’m Sadu, Chief of the Dotharl.
P. Meepel: Now I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I’m pretty sure Sadu is a Male Xaelan name...and you’re clearly a woman...not that there’s anything WRONG with that!
Sadu: *sigh* You know nothing about us.  Look, when we die, we get reincarnated within a year, and thus we take the name we had in our previous lives.  In my case, I was a man for the past 4 lives and…
P. Meepel: Oh...well...that’s awkward…
Sadu: Tell me about it…
Gosetsu: Ah, so you’re a warrior tribe, are you?
Sadu: More than that! We enjoy combat! Punishing the weak! Trouncing the pathetic!
R. Meepel: Like...she totally sounds like a bully…
S. Meepel: Yo coincido…
Sadu: We do not fear death, in fact we welcome it! It is only in death that one truly knows how to live!
P. Meepel: I’m not sure you can’t “know” anything when you’re dead…
D. Meepel: And is not being dead by definition the act of not living, therefor your logic is backwards!
Sadu: Come, perhaps I can show you how we fight? WHO WANTS TO FIGHT ME!?
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
P. Meepel: See, Red Mage, this is why we don’t bother spending mana reviving him.
R. Meepel: Ok, I to-tally get it now!
Sadu: Ah! A Mi’qote male! A fine challenger indeed! LET’S REVEL IN GLORIOUS COMBAT!
D. Meepel: ...oh dear, sisters, we may want to take cover…
P. Meepel: Why is that?
D. Meepel: Think about the last few words she said…
P. Meepel: What? Revel in Glor-...oh…
Susano: AHAHA! YES! WE SHALL RISE TO THE OCCASION! COME NOW MY WORTHY RIVAL! WE MUST DUEL ONCE MORE!
Sadu: What the!? YOU BROUGHT A PRIMAL WITH YOU!?
P. Meepel: Less “brought” and more “follows Asher everywhere”...
Sadu: ..that’s pretty amazing! Wanna join our tribe for the Nadaam!?
P. Meepel: Actually, that doesn’t sound like a bad…
D. Meepel: AHEM. sister…
P. Meepel: …*sigh* right, sorry, but going to have to respectfully decline.
W. Meepel: What we do about Susano though?
P. Meepel: Oh, that’ll work itself out…
*Asher explodes and is sent malms away as Susano chases*
P. Meepel: See?
Gosetsu: If you don’t mind me asking, if your tribe is so strong, why are your numbers so small?
Sadu: Well, you see...dying is easier than living on the battlefield! So we tend to lose lives faster than we spawn…
Gosetsu: ...wouldn’t that mean you tribe will be wiped out in a few generations?
Sadu: Don’t you judge our ways OR I WILL KILL YOU!
P. Meepel: Whoa now! No need for the life taking...unless it’s Asher where it’s insignificant...
Sadu: So might I ask...why are you here?
P. Meepel: I...don’t...know…
Gosetsu: Uh...let’s pretend this is about the Nadaam, yeah! What are you guys doing there?
Sadu: ...we’re going to CRUSH OUR ENEMIES AND WIN!  Don’t you dare stand in our way you...wait, what tribe are you from anyway?
D. Meepel: We fight for the glory and justice that is the Mol tribe!
P. Meepel: ...what she said…
Sadu: ...AHAHAHAHAHA! Those Sheepherders? And here I thought you were serious about fighting in the Nadaam! Thanks for the laugh!
W. Meepel: But we seri-...
Sadu: Pfft.  Ok, we can let you go, I needed that!
R. Meepel: Like...she’s totally making fun of us! She’s SOOOOOO mean!
S. Meepel: Déjalo ir, azul vestido rojo.  Tenemos cosas que hacer.

*back at the Oronir Dawn Throne*
Magnai: REPORT!!!
P. Meepel: So Sadu said she’s going to fight and win…
Magnai: And???
P. Meepel: ...that’s it.  That’s all she said.
Magnai: So they’re NOT up to something nefarious?
P. Meepel: They’re a tribe of savage warriors who fight on pure strength and pride themselves purely on that, what makes you think they’d even CONSIDER some kind of backhanded strategic approach?
Magnai: Fair point.  Well then, you and your teamates are free to go and participate in the Nadaam...not like it will make any difference, for you see, the SUN IS ON OUR SIDE!
P. Meepe: Yeah...sure…
Gosetsu: Should we meet up with the others?
P. Meepel: Not a bad idea…

*others return*
P. Meepel: Ok, so how is everyone doing?
Lyse: Did you know how much work it is to feed a single sheep? It’s tiring stuff!
Hien: I personally think it was a good work out!
William: I have crafted several dolls of wood, the children will be in pure bliss!
D. Meepel: My word! William must be sick! He is comprehensible!
W. Meepel: Or just exhausted.
S. Meepel: Así que sólo deja a Quinn…
Hien: I haven’t seen her, where is she?
Quinn: SAVE ME!!!!
Lyse: There she is…
Quinn: So. Many. Kids.  GET ME AWAY FROM THEM!
Oronir Child: There she is! Let’s give Auntie Quinn a nice hug!
R. Meepel: Awwww! The kids like you Quinn!
Quinn: No! I can’t stand this anymore! This was pure hell!
Hien: Really? It seemed like you were enjoying your time with them.
Quinn: YOU SAW NOTHING OF THE SORT!
P. Meepel: Well that’s everyone then…
D. Meepel: What about Asher?
P. Meeple: What ABOUT Asher?
Asher: AHA! I HAVE CLIMBED TO THE TOP OF THE DAWN THRONE USING ONLY MY TEETH!
P. Meepel: ...WHY!?
Asher: Someone bet I couldn’t do it, so I did!
W. Meepel: When someone say that, you sure they not speak metaphor?
Asher: NONSENSE! CHALLENGE HAS BEEN BEATEN! AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM UNBEATABLE!
Susano: YES! YOU HAVE INDEED RISED TO THE OCCASION! NOW WE MUST COMPLETE THE RITUAL WITH A DUEL!
*Asher gets knocked off the Dawn Throne as Susano chases*
W. Meepel: ...anyone else not see that coming?

*back at the Mol Camp*
Hien: So, Cirina, we have accomplished all tasks, including a diversion with the Oronir. WE ARE READY FOR THE NADAAM!
P. Meepel: So when is it anyway? We should probably get prepared.
Cirina: Oh, it’s tomorrow at the crack of dawn!
P. Meepel: ...well, cross “get prepared” off our list, since we’re basically going in blind and hoping we have a chance.
Lyse: You act like we have no chance at all.  Why would you say that?
P. Meepel: We’re outnumbered and don’t have any idea of what we’re supposed to do.
S. Meepel: Suenas incaracterísticamente carente de confianza…
P. Meepel: You stay out of this! (even if I don’t know what you said.)
Quinn: *snort* Whatever.  After tomorrow, I’ll win the Nadaam and become leader of all these blackhorns, and my first order will be for them to suffer non-stop.
William: Quinn, if you don’t shut up, I’m going to beat yo SO HARD with my astrolabe, you will be seeing stars on a Spear card!
P. Meepel: I see William is pissed off...let’s just get this over with…

*next day at the Nadaam*
P. Meepel: Ok, so Cirina, what is our goal?
Cirina: You need to get to the middle there, and be the only conscious one who attunes with that object in the middle.  If someone else is there, you need to beat them up.
R. Meepel: ...ok, everyone you hear that?  No one let Quinn get there first!
Quinn: HEY!
Hien: It seems all the other tribes are here as well!
W. Meepel: Me only see Dotharl and Oronir…
Hien: ALL. THE OTHER. TRIBES!
D. Meepel: But there’s supposed to be uncountable number of tribes on the Azim Steppe!
Lyse: Did you not hear Hien? He said ALL THE TRIBES!
P. Meepel: Well, there is the silent ones over there...do we have to kill a bunch of mutes now?
Cirina: No, they’re just the neutral party functioning as moderators.  They can’t win nor lose.  They just insure no one is cheating.
D. Meepel: How does one cheat in a pure test of strength!?
Cirina: Well, that and it makes them feel like they’re doing something.
D. Meepel: Ah, fair enough then!
*Nadaam begins*
P. Meepel: Ok, so here’s the strategy...I charge in, you all cover my back.  We all know that, like with everything else, you’re just going to rely on ME to finish this.
Lyse: Yes, that seems fair!
Gosetsu: Agreed.
Hien: What is she talk-...
Quinn: NO! I WILL BE THE ONE TO WIN THIS!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
William: I’m...going to just stand in the corner and sit out of this one.  You guys got this...and if you fail, it’s not my fault you need me to carry you!
Lyse: Anyway, I got the left!
Gosetsu: I got the right!
Hien: I got behind!
P. Meepel: Ok, good, break!
*a large melee ensues, just use your imagination*
Sadu: AAHAHAHAH! YES! VICTORY SHALL BE MINE! *Starts charging a ridiculously big spell*
Magnai: NONSENSE! I WON’T LET YOU DO IT FOR THE SUN WILLS IT! *throws an axe at Sadu, who dodges it*
Sadu: Hey! How dare you interrupt my WINNING SPELL!
Magnai: How dare YOU not get hit by my axe!?
*the two start duelling*
W. Meepel: Me think it best we stay out of that…
*large group of enemies all converge on Meepel*
R. Meepel: Like, this is SO UNFAIR! We have go through all of them!?
*Meepel is currently occupied*
Asher: Aha! YES! I SHALL BE THE ONE TO WIN!
*Asher charges towards the beacon and gets there first*
Asher: Yes! I AM SOON THE WINNER! ANOTHER CHALLENGE OVERCO-
*the Ame-no-Murakumo comes out of nowhere, and slices Asher in half, killing him*
*Questir blows on whistle signalling foul via Primal*
Quinn: AHAAH! NOW IT’S MY TURN TO GET IT! YES! SUDDENLY I SHALL RULE OVER ALL THESE BLACK HORNS!
*Quinn gets to the Beacon, gets 70% attuned until somehow getting hit by a stray fireball and axe head out of nowhere, knocking her out, but not before she flips off Sadu and Magnai*
S. Meepel: Maldición, a este ritmo, en realidad podríamos fallar.  ¡ No podemos permitirnos perder esto! ¿Alguna idea?
W. Meepel: Me have none.
P. Meepel: Wait...you actually understand Samurai?
W. Meepel: You mean you don’t?
D. Meepel: Now is not the time, sisters! WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT PROBLEMS!
P. Meepel: Such as?
*Dark Knight points to about 50 more Oronir and Dothari coming after her*
P. Meepel: Somehow I completely lost track of that…
*Lyse jumps in from the side*
Lyse: Looks like you could use some help.
R. Meepel: Like, we need to think of something and like totally fast!
Lyse: Hmm...say, I have an idea.  Alphinaud once told me about this…
P. Meepel: Oh? And what’s that?
Lyse: Oh, just something of a warning but I think desperate times call for desperate measures!
S. Meepel: No me gusta a dónde va esto...
Lyse: Well, you see...I was just thinking how much better our odds would be if we had some kobolds helping us!
P. Meepel: …
W. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: …
S. Meepel: …
P. Meepel: Gods…
D. Meepel: Damn…
S. Meepel: MOTHER…
R. Meepel: *****ing…
W. Meepel: KOBOLDS!!!!!!!!
*Meepel goes into full on incomprehensible rage mode, beating everything in her path within in an inch of her life using Warrior’s Axe, as Lyse just slowly backs away from the carnage.  It’s best not to describe how things go...the imagery is 2nd only to the initial Asher vs. Susano fight in horror*
Hien: I...uhh...she’s still on our side right?
Gosetsu: What manner of beast is she?
Lyse: Oh, our Warrior of Light hates Kobolds more than anything.  She’ll calm down in a bit…
*5 minutes later, Nadaam still going in, Meepel calms down*
P. Meepel: Ok *heavy breathing* That’s out…*breathes* of my system…
D. Meepel: Look sister! THE PATH TO THE BEACON IS CLEAR!
R. Meepel: MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!
W. Meepel: GET! NOW!
*Meepel gets and attunes to the Beacon...SUCCESSFULLY*
*Questir blows whistle signalling the Nadaam is over*
Magnai: ...so they actually did it...
Sadu: What!?
Cirina: Wait so that means...THE MOL ARE THE LORDS OF THE STEPPE! I never thought I’d see the day *cries tears of manliness...despite being a rather petit woman*
Sadu: No! I refuse to accept that this happened!
Magnai: It seems the Sun blessed them this time.  Mrf.
Sadu: AND HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS!?
Random Xaela: HELP! IMPERIALS ATTACKING!
Grynewaht: AHA! I HAVE FOUND YOU, WARRIOR OF LIGHT, ETERNAL RIVAL OF MINE!  NOW I WILL DEFEAT YOU AND YOUR KIN!!!
P. Meepel: Hey it’s you...guy...person…
D. Meepel: ...do you even know who that is?
P. Meepel: ...no, not really, just thought I’d humor him…
Grynewaht: WHAT!?  How dare you insult me!?
R. Meepel: Like, seriously, who are you?
Grynewaht: Grrr! Men! KIll them all...but leave the Warrior of Light to me! THey’re just primitive savages, they can’t stand against us!
Magnai: So…Khagan...I guess it’s YOUR call now!?
P. Meepel: Khagan? Who is...oh, right, that’s me now isn’t it? Uh...well...Azim Steppe! My first decree as your ALMIGHTY RULER is to KICK THESE GARLEAN’S ASSES!
Magnai: ...so Sadu, I think we have found the perfect outlet for your current anger…
Sadu: FINE BY ME!
Grynewaht: HA!  A few measely savage beasts against Garlean might! What chance do you have!? I mean, maybe if this was ALL the strongest warriors in the land and…
P. Meepel: Yeah...about that…
Grynewaht: ...I’ve made a terrible mistake haven’t I?
S. Meepel: Se podría decir que…

*one humiliating Garlean ass kicking by the ENTIRE AZIM STEPPE later*
Grynewaht: YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!!!
R. Meepel: ...like, seriously, who was that guy?
D. Meepel: I don’t know…
Hien: My word! You were magnificent out there! ...if a little terrifying…
P. Meepel: Well, sorry about the rage thing.
Hien: I wasn’t talking about that…
*Hien points to a few Garleans impaled on giant stone slabs, some sliced by wind currents*
P. Meepel: What makes you think that was me…
Wh. Meepel: ^_^
P. Meepel: ...nevermind…
Gosetsu: Well, I guess that means we win, and we even have led the entire Steppe to their first victory against the Garleans!
Magnai: I won’t deny, you actually did a pretty good job, Khagan.
Sadu: I suppose I can stomach following you for the next cycle.  Certainly better than THAT jerk!
Magnai: ...not dignifying that.  So if you don’t mind, please come to the Dawn Throne.
P. Meepel: Hey! I’m YOUR leader now, so don’t you tell me what to do!
Magnai: ...I simply was inviting you so we can have a proper passing of leadership, what better place than the Highest Part of the Steppe.  Also bring all your friends!

*at the Dawn Throne*
Magnai: And thus, I pass on the title of Khagan to you, WARRIOR OF LIGHT!
Cirina: Congratulation, Khagan!  I knew we could do it!
Magnai: MY word! You there, Mol? You’re such a fine woman who fits all the requirements! Please be mine!
Cirina: ...NO!
Magnai: Blast! Foiled again!
P. Meepel: So wait...if I’m the Khagan, that means I’m basically the ruler of the entire Azim Steppe, right?
Cirina: Pretty much.
P. Meepel: ...I’ve been waiting for a moment like this for so long.  Yes, I am now YOUR QUEEN!
Cirina: Actually, it’s more a Preside-...
P. Meepel: YES! QUEEN OF THE AZIM STEPPE!
Cirina: She’s not listening is she?
D. Meepel: Yes, LADY OF THE LAND!
Lyse: Oh just let her have her moment...granted this is one of many…
W. Meepel: ME BIG CHIEF NOW!
R. Meepel: Oh! I know! I’m like the PRINCESS OF THE PLAINS!
S. Meepel: Yo soy Czarina!
Quinn: *Finally getting out of the infirmary* Ok, I’m back, you jerks, what did I miss?
William: When one wins the Nadaam, they become in charge of all they see from this land.
Quinn: Ok, besides the fact that it wasn’t me, who actually won?  Whatever, so long as it’s not a stupid watermelon haired black horned *****.
R. Meepel: Like, servant over there, please smack that Raen hard!
Buduga Tribesman: Yes, your highness!
*Quinn gets smacked*
Quinn: Ow!? WHAT THE HELL!?
Buduga Tribesman: I WILL NOT HAVE YOU DISRESPECT THE KHAGAN SO! Anything I can do for you, your highness?
R. Meepel: No, that’s totally fine for now!
Quinn: Why must the twelve conspire against me?
Natia: Because you’re a horrible person who keeps stealing my treasure?
Quinn: ...have I really sunk so low that even NATIA is picking on me? Is it possible to get any lower?
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!


Narrator: Will our heroes be able to take back Doma now that the Azim Steppe is on their side?  Well, at least, we can ASSUME they’re on their side since Meepel is kind of their leader now.  Will Magnai and Sadu EVER realize they were meant for one another? And will Asher successfully find a way to stoop lower than Quinn’s current standing? Tune in next time for STORMBLOOD ABRIDGED!

[Meeplelard]

Small update: Added likes and dislikes for most of the characters.

Also, I'm willing to let this be open for people to comment on now, since well...no reason to keep it the other way now!  Not that I expect anyone TO care but hey, might as well say it!

[Meeplelard]

Chapter 9: Asher vs. Garlemald! ...except not really…

P. Meepel: So...now that I’m Queen of the Azim Steppe, I declare that we must…
Hien: Head back to Yanxia to discuss where to go from here.
P. Meepel: Damn it, you didn’t even let me finish!  Besides, now that I’ve become Queen, do I really need to do anything else?
D. Meepel: But Sister! We came here to help liberate Doma from the evil Garleans!  We cannot leave them behind! For I, as LADY OF THE LAND, pledge that we shall go liberate Doma as we intended!
P. Meepel: Do you...ever listen to yourself?
W. Meepel: Technically, she do all the time…
P. Meepel: ...you know what I meant!
Lyse: Either way, let’s head back to Yanxia, and discuss our game plan.

*at Yanxia*
P. Meepel: Gods damn it, I hate we had to go on foot…
Dumplin: Kweh!
P. Meepel: ...ok, go by CHOCOBO foot all the way to the House of the Fierce.  There has to have been an easier way!
Alisaie: Ah, just the person who I wanted to see!  We fixed the Aetheryte here while you were gone!
R. Meepel: Like, seriously? Now you tell us that!? That would have totally saved SOOOO much time.
S. Meepel: Aún tendríamos que sintonizar con ella, para ser justos, así que no resolvería realmente ningún problema.
Alphinaud: I figured I might as well explain the strategy which is…
P. Meepel: I take a group of adventurers through the front door, we take everyone down and solve the problem that way?
Alphinaud: ...that is part of it, yes, but getting to said front door is going to be tricky.  There’s too many soldiers, and large objects even for you.
Hien: Well, we could divert the air forces using the tribes on the Azim Steppe and their Yol Birds.
Alphinaud: And how do you plan on convincing them to do that?
P. Meepel: Yeah, it’s a pity you don’t have their recently elected unquestionable Queen standing right here to weigh their opinion on the manner…
Gosetsu: You take a little too much pride in that, I think.
P. Meepel: Look, for the first time ever, I have actual legitimate political power, and after all the crap I put up with, you’re damn right I’m going to bask in it!
Quinn: Yes, because that’s what we needed...a black horned bitch in charge of an entire region.
R. Meepel: Yeah, well, I can totally say I’m a princess which is more than you can say.
Quinn: ...please die...now...
William: When one has the echo, dying is less of an option and more of a denial of reality!
Quinn: I wish you’d echo that 6 feet under...oh confound it, I’m talking like Natia now!
Natia: Didn’t mean to undermine your speech!
Alphinaud: ...in any event, we still have all the ground forces to deal with.  There are multiple ways to handle this but I don’t think any of them are exactly things you want to…
Hien: Flood the place.
Alphinaud: Wait what?
Hien: Yeah, let’s just flood the place!  That’ll solve the problems.  Easy solution considering the damn right there, why didn’t you think of that?
Alphinaud: I mean...I DID think of it...but doesn’t kind of destroy all of Doma castle and its surrounding areas, thereby compromising the entire point of this mission?
Hien: Castles and Walls can be rebuilt!  Doma isn’t about our architecture…
Yugiri: To be fair, that is basically half our culture right there…
Hien: NEVERTHELESS, it is more about the people!  So long as people are alive, Doma can always thrive!
D. Meepel: Nobler and truer words haven’t been spoken! It is an honor to have you as an ally in my war of justice against evil!
P. Meepel: ...you know, gotta admit, that’s a ballsy plan with a logical spin.  I think I’m starting to like you, Hien…
Quinn: Yeah, well, I don’t; you’re still a worthless Othardian Insect as far as I’m concerned.
W. Meepel: Quinn…
Quinn: What?
W. Meepel: ...shut up.
Quinn: Why should I?
W. Meepel: Because Axe.
Quinn: ...fine.
Alphinaud: Anyway, if we’re going ahead with flooding, we’ll need a team to open the dam.  We need someone who knows the area and the force should be reasonably sized; not too big to deviate from the attack force we need against their military, but not so small that it wouldn’t accomplish anything.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!
*runs out of the House of the Fierce*
Alphinaud: ...that’s not going to ruin our plans, is it?
Alisaie: No, brother, I assure you, this will have no impact on any of what we are discussing now.
P. Meepel: In fact, I’m sure Asher is about to fail right about…
*sound of large lightning bolts and sword slashes heard, with screams of pain by Asher in the distance*
P. Meepel: ...called it.
Lyse: Well, it seems we have everything in order.
Alphinaud: Actually, I we haven’t decided on the flood tea-...
Lyse: EVERYTHING IS IN ORDER! Let’s do it!

*cue cutscene where Doma gets flooded, forces attack, etc.  At Doman Enclave with Meepel’s crew*
P. Meepel: Ok, so let’s get a quick check making sure everyone is ready.  Is our healer ready?
William: Whatever.
P. Meepel: Damage dealers, you ready?
Natia: I’ll make sure not to damage your reputation!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Quinn: Do I have to?
R. Meepel: Yes.
Quinn: *Sigh* Fine.
Salo’wen: Good luck Meepel! YOU CAN DO IT! YAY!!!
Chunyi: I feel like we should be helping…
Salo’wen: Well, ALphinaud said we can’t have too big a group and they’re already 5 people when it’s expected for four!
Chunyi: Wait how are they going in with 5 people…
Salo’wen: One of them is Asher.
Chunyi: Ah, nevermind!

*bunch of mobs and enemies beaten up later that may or may not include an Asher explosion at the hands of a primal*
P. Meepel: Hmm...not sure where to go from here.
D. Meepel: What do you mean, sister!?
P. Meepel: ...can you stop cal-...anyway, both pathes involve problems.  One involves less enemies but they’re all large magitek armors and cannons.  The other is a huge wave of small fry that while not a problem, will certainly take a while.
W. Meepel: Why not ask Scholar for help?
P. Meepel: ...say, that’s not a bad idea!  Hey Scholar, got any ideas?
Sc. Meepel: Ah, yes, been a while, but let’s see.  Judging by the effort involved compared to the time taken to deal with both sides, and the amount of deaths that our comrades will no doubt go through, multiplied by the amount of mana needed to revive them…
R. Meepel: Ugh, like seriously, can you just speak normally!?  I totally have an easier time understanding Samurai!
S. Meepel: Fingiré que no escuché eso…
Sc. Meepel: ...apologies, but it is my deduction that the path with giant robots will be most efficient.  If my calculations are correct, one of us will charge recklessly and a chain reaction will occur that will no doubt save more time than anything else.
P. Meepel: So Asher charges in, Susano appears, everything dies, including Asher himself, and we save on Mana because William refuses to heal.  Is that correct?
Sc. Meepel: Well, that is one way to put it.

*Worth noting that while this conversation was happening, Samurai Meepel was slaughtering a group of assailants at regular intervals.  Don’t ask how this works, it just does*

Asher: My word? Could it be! A VISION OF PURE BEAUTY HAS APPEARED!
P. Meepel: Who invited Aleph here?
William: Oh please, he only likes Mi’qote.  He wouldn’t fall for you and you know it.
P. Meepel: ...not sure if I should be grateful or offended…
Asher: YES! A PERFECTED BEING! SHE IS THE PERFECT ONE FOR ME!
D. Meepel: Uh, companion Asher, pray tell who are you talking about?
Asher: Why of course, the hyper intelligent watermelon haired Au Ra standing right where you are!
P. Meepel: So wait...you are infatuated with…scholar...and only Scholar...based on…
Asher: HER RADIANT BEAUTY!
W. Meepel: But we all look same…
R. Meepel: And I totally have better looking clothes than her!
Sc. Meepel: Yes, I expected as much.  The logic or lack there of dictated in the doomed one that you call Asher should indicate that he would, in fact, fall for me.
Asher: INDEED! BEHOLD MY MANLY FOOT ABS ON MY ARMS!
P. Meepel: Is this where we tell Asher that Scholar...you know...swings the other way?
William: Wait, you’re a lesbian? Since when?
P. Meepel: Only when Scholar is active!
W. Meepel: Me think Paladin only care about herself.
R. Meepel: Like, no! That’s unfair Warrior! Who do you think she is, Quinn?
Quinn: Yeah, who do...HEY!
W. Meepel: Fair point, Red Mage.
Natia: Well, it would seem Scholar is Asher’s treasure, but he couldn’t mimic what she likes!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

*Asher strips naked and charges all the giant robots, getting slaughtered, revived, taking a few down, accidentally summoning Susano who basically solves all problems...including Asher himself... and leaves*

P. Meepel: Huh, what do you know, Scholar was 100% right.  Thanks for that one!
Sc. Meepel: It was no problem.  Now excuse me, I need to get back to making sure it stays locked up.
D. Meepel: Yes, we need to insure that stays away!  But enough of that, come my loyal allies! WE MUST COMPLETE THE LIBERATION OF DOMA!
P. Meepel: ...sure, let’s go with that.

*a dungeon later, involving lots of explosions, garlean soldiers, and the Asher death counter increasing by a physically impossible amount*

P. Meepel: Ok, we’re almost at the throne room, they’ll probably have their strongest guard here.  We can only hope Zenos is in Ala Mhigo at the moment.
Grynekweh: AHA! WARRIOR OF LIGHT! WE MEET AGAIN! NOW WE FACE WITH MY MIGHTY…*dramatic zoom up* CHAIN SAW GATLING GUN!!!
P. Meepel: ...who are you again?
Grynekweh: ...are you serious!? We just fought on the Azim Steppe!
P. Meepel: Warrior, do you know what he’s talking about?
W. Meepel: Me not remember.
P. Meepel: ...Quinn?
Quinn: Fuck off.
P. Meepel: Natia?
Natia: Oh! I remember!  He was leading the forces you slaughtered ruthlessly sometime after someone mentioned ko-...
D. Meepel: *Grabs Natia by the throat* If you finish saying that word, I will rip out your lungs in the name of justice SO HARD, you will wish you had the moral compass of Nael van Darnus!
Natia: Hey! Don’t get choked up over it!
P. Meepel: I won’t blame you if you follow through with that threat…
Grynekweh: Hey! STOP IGNORING ME!
P. Meepel: Hey, you shut up! We’re having an important conversation over here!
Grynekweh: Oh, my apolo-...hey wait! STOP THAT!
R. Meepel: Like, seriously, you’re sooooo annoying! Way more than Quinn! ...can we just beat him up already?
S. Meepel: Estoy de acuerdo…
Grynekweh: GGRRR!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!
*Starts shooting around crazy, missing every single shot*
P. Meepel: I feel like that’s suppose to be threatening but…
D. Meepel: His aim is anything but true!  I almost feel bad for him.  Perhaps it would be best if we took the pacifist route and just ignored him!
Grynekweh: YOU WILL NOT FORGET ME! I shall be remembered for all time!  Among many of the Garlean commanders, I AM IMPORTANT!!!
*Large piece of debris he blew up in one of his shots falls down and crushes him*
S. Meepel: Cómo anticlimático…
P. Meepel: ...so seriously, who was that again?
S. Meepel: Yo no se…
Quinn: HA! He got crushed! That’s great.
*Quinn gets hit by falling debris*
Natia: Wow, I didn’t know you had a crush on him!
*Quinn, slightly dazed, gives Natia the finger*
P. Meepel: In any event, let’s get going.  We have a throne room to take…

*at throne room, door busts open with Dark Knight on the other side*
D. Meepel: FOR DOMAN LIBERTY!!!!!!
Yotsuyu: ...did you seriously have to do that?  You could have opened it NORMALLY.
D. Meepel: Quiet, vile woman! Your days of reigning over Doman in your tyranny are over!  HAVE AT THEE!
Yotsuyu: ...you seriously think I’m stupid enough to fight you head on?  What do I look like? Grynewaht?
P. Meepel: Who?
Yotsuyu: Exactly.
Gosetsu: Well then, you should be willing surrender and we may spare your life!
Yotsuyu: ...I said I wasn’t going to fight you, I didn’t say I didn't have a plan…
P. Meepel: Wait, Gosetsu, when did you get here?
Hien: Oh, he got here just a few moments ago!
P. Meepel: Ah that...wait, when did YOU get here!?
Hien: Enough! I’ll take things from here if you don’t mind!
P. Meepel: ...I just wanted a simple answer...ah screw it, have fun with her.  I’ll just go over to the side and play Triple Triad with William or something…
Hien: Now, woman, your days of tyranny are...wait I feel like we’ve been through that before...screw it, just surrender.  But first I must ask...WHY!?
Yotsuyu: You don’t understand me, do you!?  I was a nobody! I was raised in the pleasure house!  You had it all…
Hien: ...wait, are you really trying to appeal to my pit-...
Yotsuyu:  AND THEN HE CAME! HE OFFERED ME POWER! HOW COULD I REFUSE!!!
William: *from a distance* BY SAYING NO!
Yotsuyu: So not only was this an opportunity of a lifetime, but also a chance at revenge for those who wronged me!
Hien: So you...took out your hatred for like probably 3 or 4 lowlifes total on the entire country by being a total bitch, all for...the Garlean empire?
Yotsuyu: Don’t you get it!?  Zenos has a hold over me! How could I go against him!? He had an incredibly tempting offer!!
Hien: And he didn’t intimidate you at all..,
Yotsuyu: Oh absolutely; I’m scared of him.  But enough of that, time for my master plan!
Hien: Wait was this just you stalling?
Yotsuyu: BEHOLD! NOW TO ACTIVATE THE BOMBS IN THIS CASTLE AHAHAHAH! You may liberate Doma but you may not have the castle and I will kill all of you in the process.
Gosetsu: I think she’s insane, milord.
Hien: What gave you THAT idea!?

*one explosion later, the throne room is now a debrised mess, Gosetsu holding up a large amount of it somehow, the area is flooding, and Yotsuyu is on the ground near Gosetsu*
P. Meepel: The fuck just happened? You were just talking and then THIS!?  God damn it Natia, you better not have opened anything ominous chests!
Natia: I PLEAD THE 5TH!
Gosetsu: It’s ok! I got this! Get going! I’ll catch up with you later!
Hien: You sure?
Gosetsu: Trust me, I shall reconvene later! I’ll figure this out...eventually…
Yotsuyu: Not if I have anything to say about it!
*She shoots Gosetsu*
Gosetsu: ...ow…
Hien: NO! Gosetsu, you can’t die here!
P. Meepel: Uh...I think it’s more important we get going, NOW! Ah screw it, Warrior, you’re up.
W. Meepel: ME GOT THIS!
Hien: No I won’t go without Gosets-...
*Warrior knocks out Hien and drags him out*
W. Meepel: We leave now.
Gosetsu: I’ll be fine! It’ll take more than one bullet to kill me!
*Yotsuyu shoots him twice more*
Gosetsu: ...you think a simple gun can kill me!
*the entire castle collapses on Gosetsu and Yotsuyu*

*outside of Doma Castle*
P. Meepel: Well they’re dead.
Yugiri: What makes you so sure?
P. Meepel: Gosetsu literally got shot by a gun in the chest several times and an entire castle fell on him.  I think any question about him surviving just went out the window.
D. Meepel: Pray tell, sister, what are you willing to do if you’re wrong?
P. Meepel: ...I’ll go do a run of Aurum Vale by myself.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCE-...
*Samurai smacks Asher*
S. Meepel: No.
Asher: Ow, what was that for?
S. Meepel: No es tu desafío.
Asher: Awww…
P. Meepel: Wait, you understand her Asher?
Asher: OF COURSE I DO!
W. Meepel: Why surprised?
P. Meepel: ...I don’t know…
Lyse: You are being awfully insensitive to the death of a friend, you know.
D. Meepel: She’s right! We should honor Gosetsu’s death with…
Hien: A CALL OF VICTORY!
D. Meepel: INDEED! ...wait, no, I was thinking…
Hien: DOMANS! WE HAVE CLAIMED LIBERTY! WE HAVE DEFEATED THE GARLEANS!
Generic Doman Man: But...the entire Castle is destroyed…
Generic Doman Woman: And the whole city is destroyed…
Random Doman Prick: Plus I lost my employers! WHAT THE HELL DID WE GAIN FROM THIS!?
Hien: LIBERTY OF COURSe!!!
Random Doman Prick: Well screw that! How am I going to make money!?
Alphinaud: Well, you could join in with actual manual labor and help rebuild the place.
Hien: That’s right! Doma is not the city, but in our hearts! NOW EVERYONE PICK UP A SHOVEL AND START BURYING THE CORPSES!
P. Meepel: ...is this a good time to ask if we can go back to Ala Mhigo and fix THAT issue now that we have Doma on our side?
Alisaie: Probably not a bad idea…
Yugiri: Yes, we will always be here for you! Even if we’re a continent away, we shall come to your aid!
P. Meepel: “A continent away” means a whole lot less when teleporting is just a minor fee…
Yugiri: Farewell, my friend!

Narrator: And so, Doma is liberated, but Ala Mhigo remains, CAN OUR HEROES SAVE THE DAY?
Quinn: Hell if I care…
Narrator: But...you are one of those heroes…
Quinn: Meh.

[Meeplelard]

Side Quest: The Dark Knight Rises Up And Rains The Iron Roof Off!

Narrator: Let us travel back in time...namely Ishgard!

P. Meepel: So...this is Ishgard…
Alphinaud: Indeed, I’m surprised we finally got here myself.
W. Meepel: It cold.
P. Meepel: I figured that was a given!
W. Meepel: Me still complain about it.
Alphinaud: Seeing as we have time to spare, we might as well see the sights.  I’m going to check out the scholiaste!
P. Meepel: You do that, I’m going to...go to the bar and get drunk, I guess.
W. Meepel: Me not think you heavy drinker.
P. Meepel: Look, we just saw all our friends possibly die, we were branded a traitor by all of Ul’dah for something we didn’t do, and it’s FREAKING FREEZING HERE.  Excuse me if you don’t think I need a drink!
W. Meepel: No who complaining?

*after a few drinks and some traveling around seeing the sites*
Random Holy Knight: Oi! You there, laddie!
P. Meepel: ...why am I getting bad deja vu about where this is going?
Random Holy Knight: I need your help dealing with a heretic, laddie!
P. Meepel: Ok...why me though?
Random Holy Knight: Shut up! I need ye to move this corpse of a heretic and get rid of it! You’re a strong lad, right laddie?
P. Meepel: ...yep, I can DEFINITELY see where this is going…
W. Meepel: Me get popcorn?
P. Meepel: No, that won’t be necessary...that said, why do I have to do it? Why can’t you? I’m just a tourist!
Random Holy Knight: Quiet! I can’t do this, laddie! I’m an important person around these parts, or my name isn’t…
*giants rocks crush him*
P. Meepel: ...White Mage, was that really…
Wh. Meepel: Yep ^_^
P. Meepel: Ok, just making sure.  Anyway, you want to have fun with this corpse of an apparent heretic?
Wh. Meepel: Corpses? Yay!!! ^_^
*Meepel drags the corpse behind the Brume*
P. Meepel: Ok, so before we get rid of this, maybe we should go through his pockets or something…
W. Meepel: That not way to respect dead…
P. Meepel: Look, there might be SOMETHING of value...I don’t mean monetarily, just this whole situation is a little suspicious…
Wh. Meepel: What’s suspicious about brutal murder ^_^
P. Meepel: ...not what I’m talking about…
W. Meepel: Fine, me check…
*Warrior stumbles across a weird stone*
W. Meepel: This look important…
P. Meepel: Yeah, looks a lot like our Job stones and...it’s glowing...right when we touched it…and why do I feel dizzy…
*Meepel faints for a moment*
Voice in Head: Get up, proud hero!
P. Meepel: Are you talking to me?
Voice in Head: Yes, GET UP I KNOW YOU’RE AWAKE!
P. Meepel: Geez fine...wait, who said that…
*Meepel looks up to see the corpse is standing right there*
Former Corpse: Finally, you’re awake! Glad you touched the stone, I guess it rightfully belongs to you!
P. Meepel: ...who are you and how are you not dead?
Former Corpse: Apologies, I am Fray, herald of darkness!  You have been chosen by the darkness! Darkness is your heart's true essence! Submit to the Darkness!
W. Meepel: ...we leaving?
P. Meepel: Yeah, I don’t trust this guy…
Fray: Wait! Seriously! You have a strong darkness in you! It’d be ashame to waste it!
P. Meepel: Yeah, but...I’m the Warrior of Light...I think Darkness kind of goes against my MO…
Fray: But the stone reacted! Trust me, Darkness isn’t evil, it’s in fact quite healthy when used properly!  Look just try it out once, and if you don’t like it, I’ll leave you alone…
P. Meepel: ...fine.  Give me that thing.  Ok, so...I guess I evoke it like anything else and…
*cue Kingdom Hearts’ Darknessesque transformation sequence*
D. Meepel: I HAVE RISEN!!!!
P. Meepel: ...and you are?
D. Meepel: Aha! Pleasure to meet you, sisters!
P. Meepel: ...I’m not your sister…
W. Meepel: Me neither…
D. Meepel: I am Dark Knight! Warrior of Justice! Defender of the Weak! Bringer of all that is right to this wronged world!
P. Meepel: ...we’re not getting rid of you anytime soon, are we?
D. Meepel: Nay, dear sister! I shall fight by your side forever more!
Fray: Aha! Yes, it seems you’ve already attuned yourself to the darkness, to use freely to defend the weak and innocent with the power of DARKNESS!!!
D. Meepel: Yes, I am ready! Train me in those ways, Lord Fray!
P. Meepel: Question...what exactly IS a Dark Knight and where do they come from?
Fray: I’m glad you ask! They are wielders of Darkness who follow their own heart.  Where there is Light, Darkness always follows in the shadows!
P. Meepel: You haven’t really answered my…
D. Meepel: Heed sister! I need know of my origins!
Fray: There was an almighty noble jack ass, you see, who had done many acrime, BUT JUSTICE COULD NOT BE SERVED IN THE LIGHT! Then one man whose heart had submitted to the DARKNESS went against the law and struck justice upon him!  This is proof that DARKNESS is the heart’s true esscence.
P. Meepel: So basically an order of vigilantes, got it.
D. Meepel: Aha, yes! I am ready to strike justice against the unjust!  Pray tell how we do this?
Fray: Look, just go find SOMEONE who needs help.
Female Civillian: Help! My granddaughter has been taken by the Temple Knights! They’re clearly the BAD Temple Knights and this isn’t the first time it happens!
P. Meepel: ...convenient...yeah, have fun with that one, Dark Knight.
D. Meepel: Milday, I would be honored to save your granddaughter! I SHALL RESCUE HER IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!
*Some filler investigating later*
D. Meepel: I feel off...what are these emotions? Hate...anger...fear…
Fray: Oh they just fuel your power. NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT!  Just use them to strike DOWN YOUR ENEMIES...WITH DARKNESS!

*one dramatic rescue later*
D. Meepel: Aha! Justice has been served! Now onto the next tragedy I shall prevent!
Voice: Good job, now go do more stuff!
D. Meepel: What is this voice I hear, and why does it sound like yours, Fray?
Fray: Oh that’s just the DARKNESS beacon, trying to guide you to MORE DARKNESS!!!
Voice: GO TO SOUTHERN THANALAN NOW! MORE DARKNESS AWAITS YOU!
D. Meepel: It seems we must go to Southern Thanalan then!

*at Southern Thanalan*
Fray: OK, we need to do a COMMUNION here! So guy find someone who needs help…
Gundobald: Help! Weak peistes are causing problems!
P. Meepel: So why don’t you deal with them? Seriously, they’re just freaking Peistes!
Gundobald: Because we can’t! All of us are afraid! Here, take this algoat mutton and lure them out!
D. Meepel: It seems our next task is ahead of us, COME! LET US GO!
*some dead Peistes later*
Fray: Ah, good, and this is exactly where the communion shall go! Now, BREATHE IN THE DARKNESS! BECOME ONE WITH THE DARKNESS.
D. Meepel: This does not in anyway seem suspicious, I shall do exactly that!
Voice: And thus, soon you will understand that DARKNESS IS THE HEART’S TRUE ESSENCE, and that NOTHINGNESS IS ETERNAL!
D. Meepel: Come! Let us go do MORE GOOD DEEDS in the name of JUSTICE!
Fray: And Darkness! Don’t forget that!
D. Meepel: Yes, AND DARKNESS!
*some tasks later...yes, I’m skipping over most of the level 40 and 45 stuff because it’s filler*

Fray: This is bullcrap! We help all these people with the power of DARKNESS and they do not do anything to us in return!
D. Meepel: We need not ask for anything in return, just protecting them out of the goodness of our hearts!
Fray: Bah! Darkness should power them up so they can protect themselves! This is getting ridiculous, let them fend for themselves I say!
D. Meepel: But then, if everyone had Darkness, Dark Knights would not be a thing!?
Fray: ...fair point...by the way, DARKNESS!
Voice: By the way...Serve...Save...Slave...Slay! Serve...Save...Slave...Slay! Nope! Nothing suspicious here! Totally not trying to corrupt you!
Fray: By the way, if you truly want to embrace Darkness, you must leave EVERYTHING behind! Hydaelyn, the Scions, Eorzea! ALL of it! Only then can you be free!
P. Meepel: Get rid of the Scions? Really? If it was THAT easy I’d be done with it a long time ago!  Hells, I think them going MIA may have been the best thing to happen to me! At least I don’t have to hear THAT every 5 minutes anymore..
D. Meepe: What would that be, sister!?
P. Meepel: Not saying or it’ll trigger me!
W. Meepel: She mean “Return to Waking Sands” or “Return to Rising Stones”
P. Meepel: ...you did that on purpose…
W. Meepel: Me did.
Fray: Good, now, just one more thing and you’ll be a true DARKNESS!!!

*at Gates of Judgment*
D. Meepel: hey Fray, where are you!
Random Ishgardian Knight: Hark! Is that warrior of Light?! Can you do us a favor please?
D. Meepel: What is it, good sir?
Random Ishgardian Knight: We have a problem and since we figure your friend will wait for you, can you deal with it for us?
D. Meepel: Sounds fine! FOR JUSTICE!!!
*one task later where Dark Knight does all the work and the worthless guys be...well...worthless...*
Random Ishgardian Knight: Thank you, you are a true hero! For you see…*starts to rabble on*
Voice: Serve...save...slave...stay! YES! GIVE IN! SOON YOU WILL GIVE IN!
Random Ishgardian Knight: By the way, you did something wrong and you need to do a trial in Whitebrim Font, I suggest you go there and talk to Lord Drillemont!
D. Meepel: Wait what? But I do no such thing! I simply helped you out...where’s Fray anyway?
Voice: KILL THEM ALL!!!

*at Whitebrim Font*
Drillemont: Warrior of Light! You are hearbye under arrest for doing a bunch of murders!
D. Meepel: I do no such thing!
Drillemont: People said they saw you directly! You were traveling alone this entire time too!
D. Meepel: Nonsense! Where is Fray anyway?
Fray: I’m right here...or am I!?
D. Meepel: Fray, where have you been!?
Fray: I have always been in you, DARKNESS! For I am DARKNESS! Your Darkness!
D. Meepel: Fray, are you alright?
Fray: Don’t you see? I am not simply Darkness, I am YOUR Darkness! For I am you!
*Fray transforms into an EVIL version of Meepel*
P. Meepel: Ok, TIME OUT! What in the halls of Aurum Vale is going on here?
Fray: Don’t you see? I am your DARKNESS! Your every negative thought!
P. Meepel: ...so basically you’re White Mage…
Fray: I am the culmination of all your sins!
P. Meepel: ...so...White Mage?
Fray: And now the Darkness shall consume you and you shall murder all these people!
P. Meepel: ...yep, definitely White Mage.
D. Meepel: Stay sisters! I shall deal with this FALSE DOPPELGANGER of us! Have at thee, vile traitor! I will prove that Darkness is not what you claim!


*one battle totally not ripping off FF4 later*
Fray: How did you best me!? I AM YOUR DARKNESS!
D. Meepel: Foul creature, do you not understand? The Darkness doesn’t control me! I control the Darkness! It is the twilight that gives me strength! I am a Warrior of Light who uses the power of Darkness to protect and defend those who cannot defend themselves! Unlike you who is a slave to the Darkness, I stand above it!
Fray: ...crap...I was hoping that wouldn’t be the case…
*Fray disappears*
Drillemont: Well, we shall NEVER SPEAK OF WHAT WE SAW HERE TODAY! In fact, you know what? TODAY NEVER HAPPENED! Everyone who was hear spontaneously got sick and was bedridden for 24 hours, YOU ALL GOT THAT!?
White Brim Font Population: Yep, we understand!
P. Meepel: Well good, glad that’s done with...I guess we should move on?
D. Meepel: Yes, sister! THE BATTLES HAVE JUST BEGUN!

*sometime later, at the Brume*
P. Meepel: So...any ideas what to do next?
D. Meepel: Nay sister! It would seem things have calmed down since we have last struck down the horde!
W. Meepel: Me not even sure what mean.  Villagers angry.
Temple Knight Man: AH!!! YOU!!!!
P. Meepel: Who me?
Temple Knight Man: No! THE OTHER YOU!
D. Meepel: I believe he means me, sister! What is the problem, good sir!?
Temple Knight Man: ...sorry, just doing my daily panic practices for when a REAL problem occurs.  Also needed to get your attention.
W. Meepel: Me think we walk away.
P. Meepel: Agreed.
D. Meepel: Nay! This is a man of the Holy KNights who needs our help!  Good warrior, what ails you?
P. Meepel: ...you have fun with that…
Temple Knight Man: Ah yes, meet me at the Behemoth Dominion, we have much to discuss!

*at the Behemoth Dominion*
D. Meepel: Now what seems to be the problem?
Temple Knight Man: YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BROTHERS! GET HER LADS!!!
D. Meepel: Wait what? I did no such thing!
*one fight later where Dark Knight wins without even using her weapon to avoid killing anyone*
D. Meepel: There, now, let us talk this over like civilized knights!
Temple Knight Man: Nonsense! I WILL EXPOSE YOU FOR YOUR CRIMES! YOU WILL SEE WHY THEY SAY I’M IMPORTANT!!!
*a large male Xaelan Dark Knight appears behind him*
Xaelan Dark Knight: And what, pray tell, are you doing here?
Temple Knight Man: *high pitch squeal leading to death by collapsed lung...no I don’t know how that works*
D. Meepel: ...who might you be and why did you kill him?
Xaelan Dark Knight: ...I didn’t...he just kind of ran up to me and died out of shear fear.  I wasn’t aware that was possible, but here we are…but anyway, I heard of another Dark Knight in the area, you must be her.  I would like to talk to you about that!
D. Meepel: And how do I know I can trust you?
Xaelan Dark Knight: You’re right, you can’t.  So let’s meet at the Forgotten Knight; I’m sure we can both agree it’d be REALLY STUPID for me to start something in the middle of a bar.
D. Meepel: Alright, you got me.

*at the Forgotten Knight*
D. Meepel: Before we discuss anything, care to tell me your name?
Xaelan Dark Knight: Forgive me, I am SIDURGU!  Master Dark Knight extraoirdinaire, and...ok, I can’t even pretend to be happy, I’m just kind of in a perpetual state of depression.
D. Meepel: Nay, there’s nothing to be upset about! But what did you want to talk to me about?
Sidurgu: Did you know someone by the name of Fray?
D. Meepel: Ah, yes, Fray! Taught me everything I know about being a Dark Knight then tried to kill me!
Sidurgu: ...ok, that sounds about right.
D. Meepel: ...wait, why do you have his sword?
Sidurgu: Because he gave it to me before he died...after trying to betray me...yeah let’s not go back into that, it’s depressing.  Anyway, I was hoping, as a fellow Xaelan Dark Knight such as myself, we could work together.
D. Meepel: ...and who is that young girl by your side?
Sidurgu: Someone VERY IMPORTANT TO ME OK!?
D. Meepel: Does she have a name?
Sidurgu: You don’t get it! My master on his death bed talked about the FLAME IN THE ABYSS! Neither Fray nor myself could understand it! I must get to it! WE followed the Dark Knight creed to no avail!
D. Meepel: ok, but good sir, what is her na-...
Sidurgu: We tried to rescue her and got branded heretics by the order! FRAY WAS KILLED EVEN!
D. Meepel: Ok, but what is her name…
Sidurgu: And that is the story of how I met Rielle!
D. Meepel: ...why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?
Rielle: ...you’re scary…
D. Meepel: Nonsense, young lady! I am sure you are a fine lass who I would be glad to protect!  What is your story?
Rielle: People think I’m a scary abomination…
D. Meepel: Why would they say that?
Rielle: Because...I don’t know
Sidurgu: Yes, I was hoping to take her to the Vanu to get her examined, I could use help getting there.
D. Meepel: OF COURSE! I WOULD BE HONORED TO HELP YOU!


*at the Zundu camp*
D. Meepel: Pray good honorable Zundu leader, can you help us scan this girl?
Zundu Chief: ...go away outsider…
P. Meepel: Wait, NOW you’re calling us outsiders? We helped out how many times? And this is how you respect us? The LEAST you could do is help us out with a simple examination!
Zundu: Oh, Meepel! Sory, didn’t recognize you without your hat!
P. Meepel: Yeah, it is a pretty awesome ha-...I mean, wait THAT’S the only thing you remember about me?
Zundu: I mean, you all look the same to me otherwise!
P. Meepel: ...that’s racist on so many levels, I’m just going to stop here in disgust…
Sidurgu: Anyway, I would like to know if she truly is an abomination or if people are just idiots...and if she is one, is it really a bad thing?
Rielle: Could you not use that word?
Zundu Healer: It’ll take me some time. 
D. Meepel: Well, what should we do until then?
Temple Knights: THERE THEY ARE! THE DARK KNIGHTS WHO KILLED THAT IMPORTANT GUY IN SHEAR FEAR! ALSO THEY HAVE THE GIRL!
Sidurgu: ...I think that answers our question…
*one pointless battle later*
Sidurgu: The Temple Knights are awful! If it weren’t for them, Rielle would be safe! It makes me so angry, I could just KILL THEM ALL *Dark Energy swirling*
Rielle: No, don’t! Sorry, it’s all my fault, please calm down
Sidurgu:...I could never be mad at you.  Thank you for calming me down.  Let’s go get a drink…
D. Meepel: Agreed! I am thirsty myself after this!
Rielle: ...but I’m not old-...
Sidurgu: WE’RE GETTING A DRINK AT THE FORGOTTEN KNIGHT THAT’S FINAL!

*at the Forgotten Knight, and some more back and forth with temple knights and talking to E-Sumi-Yami that we’re skipping because it’s boring*
D. Meepel: So, Rielle, perhaps you can tell us a bit about your past.  We know nothing about you, my young lovely lady!
Rielle: Well, you see...I was kept in a windowless cell for a long time.  I don’t know why.  It was horrible .
Sidurgu: Did you drink Dragonsblood? I know that gives super powers and transforms people.
Rielle: NO I DIDN’T! I couldn’t even hear the rain! That’s how bad it was!  My captors simply said “it was better this way!”
W. Meepel: Me think story sad.
Sidurgu: Thank you for helping me, fellow Dark KNight.  As such, I will teach you the TRUE NATURE OF DARK ARTS!
D. Meepel: WONDERFUL! I WILL USE IT IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!


*one training session later*
Sidurgu: So to make sure you don’t actually have an affinity towards Dragons, let’s go talk to actual Dragons.
D. Meepel: I know JUST THE ONE!

*at Anyx Trine*
Vidofnir: Warrior of Light, what can I help you with this time?
D. Meepel: We need to know the nature of this young girl here...or at least if she has anything to do with you.
Vidofnir: Let’s see...ah yes, go talk to the Dragon who is nearly dying nearbye! He should help you!
Sidurgu: This suddenly got morbid...and seeing as I’m a Dark Knight, that’s saying something!
*by that next Dragon*
Dying Dragon: Yes, you have the blood my beloved in you young hyur girl.
Rielle: What?!
Dying Dragon: And since you haven’t succumbed to the blood, it must be natural via birth from parent to parent!
P. Meepel: Wait...so Dragons and Hyur CAN mate!? And it’s happened before? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF SAINT SHIVA AND HRAESVELGR THEN BEING SO SPECIAL!? AAAAAAH!
*Paladin starts bashing head against wall*
Sidurgu: Alas, I could not master the Darkness to truly protect her, WHY IS THAT!?
Dying Dragon: Did you say DARKNESS? Ah! The creatures near-bye in the Churning Mists can help you in controlling that
D. Meepel: But the only creatures besides Dragons nearbye are Moo-...
P. Meepel: *now sporting a concussion* I’m going to assume that what you were about to say is not what you were actually saying and merely the result of the concussion.  I need a drink, we’ll handle that later!

*at the Forgotten Knight*
Sidurgu: So...I guess we’ll finally get the flames of the abyss from these creatures…
D. Meepel: Indeed! A true way to justice!
Random Noblewoman: Yes, there! DARK KNIGHT I HAVE FOUND YOU!
Sidurgu: ...who are you again?
Random Noblewoman: YOU KNOW ME! I am Ystride! Now your options are surrender or TRIAL BY COMBAT or DEATH TO YOU AND ALL WHO AID YOU, knight who stand against Halone.
Sidurgu:...why would I not choose Trial by Combat again?
Ystride: Because...uhh...honor?
Rielle: Wait! Mother! Don’t do it!
Ystride: Don’t you dare call me that, YOU DISGRACE! You left me! I don’t even want to look at you!
Sidurgu: Wait...she’s your mother?
Rielle: Yes, she is…
Sidurgu: And you’re only telling us NOW!?
D. Meepel: Calm down, Sidurgu, I’m sure she had reas-...
Sidurgu: FRAY DIED BECAUSE OF YOU! I was ostracized because of you! AND ONLY NOW YOU TELL US THIS!?
Rielle: I’m sorry, but...I...uhh…
Sidurgu: No, I don’t want to even look at you now!
Rielle: Then I shall explain to Meepel! See, my mother and the Orthodox Church had strong ties...then my father drank Dragon’s Blood for a long time without telling mom, and he was going to do so to kill her because he was a heretic in secret...then he died...and that’s where I got my dragon blood from…
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: What’s wrong sister?
P. Meepel: I think I...might have...overreacted...to lacking the full story...I’m just going to sit down and have a long, hard look at my life while I drown my despairs in a bottle over there…
D. Meepel: But you’re a living legend! What could you possibly regret?
P. Meepel: The concussion for starters…
Rielle: So my mother was afraid of what I might become, so she put me in a cell for years.  It’s so hard to talk about, I’m so sorry!
Sidurgu: I owe you an apology too; I didn’t realize it was so hard.  Now, we should head to the Churning Mists, to meet the creatures that can help...any idea what they could be?
D. Meepel: Well, there is one kind of creature that lives there besides Dragons...

*at Moghome*
Moggie: Welcome, Kupo!!!
Sidurgu: ...why does the darkness torture me so?
D. Meepel: It’s ok, sir! The Darkness is still with you!
Sidurgu: But I will never master it at this rate! AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MOOGLES?
RIelle: You always obsess over the Darkness and never leave time for me! I hate you!
*runs away crying*
D. Meepel: So...should we go after he-...
Sidurgu: No, we must continue our path, we can find her early!
Moggie: Kupo! Good, if you want to find the Flames of Abyss, kupo, you’ll need to do a bunch of tasks!
*meaningless tasks that have nothing to do with Darkness later that is clearly Moggie fucking with Dark Knight and Sidurgu*
Sidurgu: Ok, we’ve done all your meaningless work, can we PLEASE have the Flames of the Abyss?
Moggie: Well about that...you fell for our trap, kupo!
D. Meepel: Trap? What Trap!?
Moggie: We have KIDNAPPED YOUR FRIEND KUPO! If you want her back, you must find us at Asah.
*at Asah*
Sidurgu: GIVE HER BACK TO ME AT ONCE OR YOU WILL DIE!
Mogsguard: You heard him! Everyone, let’s do...OUR ULTIMATE ATTACK!
“Good King Moggle Mog Good King Mog!
Lord of all the land!
Good king Moggle Mog Good King Mog!
Rules with Iron Hand!”
D. Meepel: ...they seem rather festive…
Sidurgu: ...this is a far more frightening opponent than I could have ever thought possible…
*one full dance later followed by a Sidurgu beating Moogles senseless*
Sidurgu: Ok, WHERE IS SHE?!
Rielle: ...I’m right here…
Sidurgu: ...this was a set up, wasn’t it?
Rielle:  You don’t get it; you only came to help me to further your quest to Darkness! You care nothing for me! I thought you were protecting me because you wanted to, but no, you just care about Darkness!
D. Meepel: but...I wanted to help you!
Rielle: I know! I’m only talking about THAT jerk!
Sidurgu: ...you know what? You’re right.  I’ve been horrible.  I apologize; I should be protecting you and not obsessed with darkness.  The real issue is we haven’t been working together.  The Flames of the Abyss can wait; what’s more important is we resolve the problem.  Wow, I feel like a huge weight on my shoulders have been lifted…
D. Meepel: SEE? Being heroic is it’s own reward! Come! Let us go back to the Forgotten Knight!
Sidurgu: Indeed.  Rielle, from now on, don’t hesitate to speak up.  My blade is yours now! I will act towards your interests, not my own!
P. Meepel: So he went from being obsessed with his own darkness under the pretense of protecting her to...being a slave to her whims and thus basically whipped by someone half his size...did I get that right?
W. Meepel: That seem right…
Sidurgu: Nevertheless, there is one other thing I learned from all this…
D. Meepel: What’s that, good sir knight?
Sidurgu: This entire ordeal with moogles...WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME!

*Forgotten Knight*
Sidurgu: I feel like we’re forgetting something…
P. Meepel: A psycho mother who leads a bunch of knights who wants you dead?
Rielle: Yeah, we probably should deal with my mother…
D. Meepel: Yes, this letter indicates we shall face her in the Western Highlands!

*at Coerthas*
Ystride: Now then, you’ve come.
Sidurgu: Agreed.  My only ally I need is Meepel.
D. Meepel: And I shall aide you valiantly!
Ystride: Good...because I brought an army of KNights, KILL THEM ALL!
Rielle: Wait, mother, I’m right here!
Ystride: Did you not hear me? I said kill them all!
Temple Knights: Right! Remember men! Each and everyone of us is important! WE CAN TAKE DOWN THOSE DARK KNIGHTS EASILY!
D. Meepel: Say Sidurgu…
Sidurgu: Yes?
D. Meepel: Can you stand...intimidatingly again?
Sidurgu: You mean...like this?
*Stands there with a death stair, all the knights scream at a high pitch voice and die of collapsed lungs*
Ystride: ...well that didn’t work, bah! I’ll do the deed mysel-*hit by a flying rock to the face at force knocking her to the ground*
P. Meepel: Nice shot, White Mage; you managed to hit her perfectly without killing her…
Wh. Meepel: But...she was suppose to die ;_;
D. Meepel: Anyway, foul woman, any last words before we take you to the proper authorities!
Ystride: ...you were a mistake, Rielle.
Rielle: And yet, I will still pray for you one last time, mother. May halone take you gracefully.
D. Meepel: Let us reconvene at the usual place then!


*Forgotten Knight*
D. Meepel: It seems we did well. What do you wish to do from here, Rielle?
Rielle: I’ll stay with Sid, so long as he promises to be honest with me from here on in! If he doesn’t, I leave!
Sidurgu: HEY! THAT’S NOT FAIR! I TOTALLY PROMISED TO BE HONEST WITH YOU!!!
Rielle: Tee-hee ^_^
P. Meepel: Are we finally done with this? Because I feel like I need to go stab some primals in the faces to get back to some semblance of normalcy…
D. Meepel: ANd what was different about this?
P. Meepel: We had to deal with Moogle Kidnappers that weren’t actually kidnapping...and White Mage actually spared someone’s life even if by accident…

*Some time later*
D. Meepel: Ah, Sidguru and Rielle, how goes it my comrades?
Sidguru: Ah, yes, Meepel.  Things are fine.  We’ve been hanging in there.
Rielle: He still has anger issues though…
Sidguru: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT ME!?
Rielle: Sidguru, remember what you learned in therapy…
Sidguru: I know.  Relax.  Be calm.  Just imagine kicking moogles off the Sea of Clouds...anyway, I do have a small problem.  See, ever since you killed Nidhogg, Ishgard has been in peace and prosperity…
P. Meepel: ...how is that a bad thing?
Sidguru: Because the authorities have been lax and not doing their job; there’s still thieves and other scumbag around, so…
D. Meepel: We need to work DOUBLE JUSTICE is what I’m hearing? Let’s go…
Rielle: You don’t even know where you’re going, do you?
W. Meepel: She never do…
D. Meepel: Well, we can’t let our past get the better of us!
P. Meepel: ...that came out of nowhere and you know it.
Sidguru: In any event, we should discuss where to go ne-...
*Sound of glass breaking*
Sidguru: ...I know it’s just glass breaking but something feels off about that…
D. Meepel: My word, MY SOULSTONE HAS BEEN SPLIT IN TWO!
Sidguru: ...how? That’s not supposed to happen! Wait, can you still use your Dark Arts?
D. Meepel: Ai, I’m still fully capable! But it’s almost like someone was stealing Aether from my soulstone…
Random Androgenous Kid: Yeah, sorry about that…
P. Meepel: Ok, you came COMPLETELY OUT OF NOWHERE.  So I’ll just jump to two questions for you.  First, who are you? And 2nd, are you are a boy or a girl?
Random Androgenous Kid: I’m Myste, and I’m a boy, and I refuse to talk to the Paladin ever again!
D. Meepel: You best stay out of this, sister!
P. Meepel: Whatever; probably not worth my time; this is your problem after all.
Myste: Yeah, so...I was trying experiments with siphoning aether and drew it from yours because it was filled with DARKNESS and thought it was bad and may have screwed up a little...
Sidguru: ...you broke a soulstone...of a righteous hero at that...I’d say that’s more than just “a little.”
Myste: Ok, look! We can restore this if you go and do GOOD DEEDS from people that have somehow inherited the aether to restore it…
D. Meepel: So what you’re saying is...help people bring justice and my soulstone is restored?
Myste: I...uhh...yeah, sure!

*a few meaningfless job quests later; they’re not worth discussing, and this has gone on long enough*
Sidguru: How’s your soulstone?
D. Meepel: It’s getting stronger but still not repaired.
Myste: No, it seems all is lost.  We aren’t getting anywhere.  Woe is me! LIFE IS PAIN!
Rielle: ...and I thought I use to be depressed…
Sidguru: Well, you at least had a good reason for it!  This kid...we don’t even know who he is.
Myste: THE PAST IS MEANINGLESS! ONLY MY FAILURES MANNER!
Sidguru: Ok kid, listen, here’s the deal.  We’re going to the Moghome, because the happiness and fun fluffy moogles should cheer you up!
P. Meepel: ...we both know the real reason is because you need to let off steam by punching a moogle in the face.
Sidguru: I won’t deny that is an extra incentive…
*after sometime in Moghome*
Sidguru: ...ok, we are never coming back here and I am sorry I ever suggested it!
Myste: Yeah, but I feel inspired again! Come, I have an idea!

*at Asah in the Churning Mists*
Myste: So, Sidguru, I know something that can help! The Moogles told me about this guy Ser Ompagne and…
Sidguru: Wait, you’re not seriously going to…
Myste: Come out!
*Ser Ompagne’s soul appears*
Ser Ompagne: AHA! I live again…
Sidguru: Not...really...you’re just a physical manifestation of…
Ser Ompagne: SHUT UP BOY! Have I not taught you anything? Is that how you greet your father figure?
Sidguru: ...if I did greet you properly, you’d yell at me for being weak…
Ser Ompagne: Oh good, you WERE paying attention! How’s Fray?
Sidguru: She’s dead…
Ser Ompagne: And whose fault is that?
Sidguru: ...I refuse to answer that on grounds that no matter what I say you’ll…
Ser Ompagne: YOU SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED HER BETTER!
Rielle: ...well, your attempts at avoiding at that didn’t work.
Ser Ompagne: Next off, who is that other Dark Knight? I have not trained her!
D. Meepel: I am the WARRIOR OF LIGHT, wielding the power of darkness for TRUTH! JUSTICE! AND THE EORZEAN WAY!
Ser Ompagne: ...sure, that works.  But now we must fight! Because only in combat can we…
*one fight later with D. Meepel and Sidguru against Ser Ompagne*
Ser Ompagne: Well I’ll be, you beat me!
*disappears*
D. Meepel: So...I guess we shall purify the VOID GATE like we did those other times!?
Meeple Note: Yeah, that’s what was happening in earlier missions since Myste showed up; I kind of skipped over that because boring padding.
Myste: Yes, another one purified…
Sidguru: You’re holding back...why?
Myste: I can’t tell yo...PLEASE DON’T HARM ME!?
Sidguru: ...eh, I’m sure you have your reasons...
Rielle: Wow, that was awfully forgiving of you.  Maybe seeing his old father figure who trained him in Dark Arts calmed him down?
P. Meepel: Or he’s just so beaten from the fight he doesn’t have the energy to get angry for once…
D. Meepel: in any event, we must continue to fix my Soulstone, only then can I truly get back to bringing Justice to this land!

*another person aided and ended here, but this time Myste fails*
Myste: Oh god, I failed! WHAT SHALL I DO?!
Sidguru: Kid, seriously! LIGHTEN UP! Mistakes happen! You will deal with them!
Rielle: Says the man who has more than his fair share of mistakes and gets angry at someone else everytime he causes them!
Sidguru: NOT THE POINT!
D. Meepel: Yes, we must keep pushing onwards! We are almost there! I can feel it!
W. Meepel: Me think that just concussion from previous fight…
D. Meepel: That is also a distinct possibility…
Myste: NO! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!
*Myste runs away*
D. Meepel: ...we should go after him…
*at Rhalgr’s Reach*
Sidguru: So...we should probably ask around if they’ve seen a weird conjuring kid around…
D. Meepel: Indeed. *ahem* CITIZENS OF ALA MHIGO! WE ARE LOOKING FOR A LOST CHILD! HE IS IN DANGER! HAVE YOU SEEN HIM!? HE LOOKS HE MIGHT BE A GIRL AND WIELDS ODD CONJURY!
Random Ala Mhigan Man: Oi! I know the lad!  He killed my chocobos yes he did!
Random Ala Mhigan Woman: And he scared my baby with his dark magic! I didn’t even know Conjury could do that! That’s suppose to be thaumaturge!
P. Meepel: Well it seems Myste has been a naughty boy…
Generic Ala Mhigan Guy: You go that right, laddie! The lad’s been causing us a lot of problems! I tell you, laddie, if you run into the lad, give him a nice beating like the good laddie you are!
P. Meepel: ...I’m done…
Generic Ala Mhigan Girl: He also caused my brother to die, and all for what? Just mentioning how he was an important person here? Then suddenly, boom! A large rock fell from the mountain side on him! It must be this boy’s fault…
D. Meepel: We mustn’t tardy! The boy must be found and suffered for his punishments! He couldn’t have gone for! Let us find him and hear the truth from him ourselves!

*one goose chase looking for Myste later that no one needs to read*
Myste: So you’ve finally found me...but now you must know the truth! You are the cause of all this! All the pain! Suffering! Death! IT MUST BE UNDONE! I can use my clones to do so, by ending you!
D. Meepel: ...I believe you are just wrong! All the lives I took were in the name of justice and were evil, that would have ended other lives! I always value protecting others first!
Myste: What about the deaths caused by massive impalings and tornados you cast?
D. Meepel: ...we are trying to work out White Mage’s addiction to taking lives, though progress is slow.
Sidguru: ...yeah, what she said…
D. Meepel: I CANNOT ALLOW THIS UNJUSTICE TO GO ON!
Myste: Nonsense! It is a charade! I MUST END THIS NOW!
D. Meepel: I will not stand for this, to battle!
Myste: Ahahah! But you can’t beat me! For you see...I am you! Which means Sidguru can’t touch me either…
Sidguru: Gods damn it, he’s right, I’m worthless here; only you can defeat yourself!
Myste: Ahaha! Too bad there isn’t TWO of you!  THEN YOU COULD STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME AND MY SIMULACRUMS!
?: I believe that’s MY cue to come in!
*Fray appears out of nowhere*
D. Meepel: Fray!? Did I not kill you!? I mean, you were literally my darkness I overcame!
Fray: Yes, yes I was...and I still am!
Sidguru: ...well things just got complicated...but whatever…
Fray: Ah, Sidguru, mind if I borrow your Sword?
Sidguru: Sure, have fun!
Fray: Now, Meepel! Let us fight together!
D. Meepel: Ah! I see! We shall fight as one now, instead of be at odds! Proof of my progress! Let us overcome our own doubts!
Myste: ...oh poopie…
*one fight later*
Fray: You’ve come quite far, warrior! I shall always be with, should you need me!
D. Meepel: All is forgiven, Fray! And as far you, Myste…
Myste: ...I’m sorry, don’t kill me? I’ll fade into the aether now and repair your Soulstone. 
D. Meepel: That’ll do, faretheewell!
Sidguru: Well I’m glad that’s over…
P. Meepel: I don’t even know what happened...let’s just go back to the Forgotten Knight and get drunk?
Sidguru: Sounds good to me!

*in Ishgard*
Edmont Fortempts: Ah, Warrior of Light! It is good to see you!
D. Meepel: Duke Fortempts, pleasure to see you! I have been assisting in bringing justice across the land!
Edmont: So I’ve heard! Your exploits have reached far and wide!  Know that no matter what happens, I know you are on our side, and you should not feel ashamed to do what you think is right!
D. Meepel: Thank you for the kind words, good sir!

Narrator: And thus ends the tale of the Dark Side of our Warrior of Light!
P. Meepel: ...I can’t be the only one who was confused by what happened there…
Narrator: But...you saw the events yourself. 
P. Meepel: THAT ONLY MAKES IT MORE CONFUSING!

[Meeplelard]

Chapter 10 - Return to the Ala Mhigo Sands...kind of...

Alphinaud: Well, since we’ve wrapped up all our problems on this side of the ocean, I think it’s time we look towards other avenues.
P. Meepel: We finished what we came here to do, I’m pretty sure it’s time to relax.  Not like we have anything better to do.
Lyse: You mean besides liberating Ala Mhigo, the whole of which we came here was to divert Garlean attention away from there to make this easier?
P. Meepel: ...gods damn it, completely forgot about that…
W. Meepel: But you brought up 20 seconds ago...
D.Meepel: And we are duty bound to go and finish what we started! Come, sisters! TO ALA MHIGO WE GO!
W. Meepel: Me think even if we not want to, we must go…
S. Meepel: No es que tengamos algo mejor que hacer…
Alphinaud: Well...I suppose we should head back with do haste!

*one teleportation back to Ala Mhigo later*
Conrad: Ah! Our friendly Scions have returned! How fares overse-...
P. Meepel: ...if we failed, do you really think we’d be over here?
Conrad: ...no, I suppose not.  So it was a…
P. Meepel: Yes, yes it was.  Look, I know where this is going.  Rather than discuss this, just tell us the problem so Alphinaud can discover the solution quickly already…
Conrad: Ok, fine.  So there’s this bridge, and unless we take it, there’s going to be major problems.  The issue is we need to get the flag down to claim the place and it’s heavily guarded and it’s a big flag and…
Alphinaud: ...why not just cast a Glamour on the flag, giving it the appearance of an Ala Mhigan flag, then properly change it after the fact?
Conrad: ...you know, that WOULD be easier, so let’s just do that!  So now all we need is an attack fo-...
P. Meepel: It’s going to be me, Lyse, and a handful of generic soldiers.
D. Meepel: This seems uncharacteristic of you to volunteer...in fact, I dare say I am surprised you beat me to it!
P. Meepel: As I said, I just want to get this over with as soon as possible, so I’m skipping the usual discussions.
Lyse: You also volunteered me though, since when do you have that right?
P. Meepel: We both know you were going to essentially do the same for me anyway…
Lyse: Can’t argue that.

*at the bridge*
Generic Garlean #97: yar! There they be! The resistance! We knew they’d come!
Generic Garlean #18: Uh, sir, why didn’t we prepare for this if we knew they were coming?
Generic Garlean #97: Because we will crush them underfoot! That’s why! GO FORTH, MEN! SHOW THEM OUR IMPORTANCE!
P. Meepel: ...could this be any easier?
Lyse: There could be half of them, making it take less time?
P. Meepel: ...fair enough!
*one fight later while someone Glamour’s the flag*
D. Meepel: And thus our heroism shall be rewarded this day!
P. Meepel: Does it really count as heroism if we just beat a bunch of standard soldiers who never posed a threat to us?
W. Meepel: Me think this too easy…
Fordola: Indeed it was too easy! NOW YOU HAVE ME TO FACE!
Lyse: Go away, Fordola.
Fordola: Oh come on! I got a power up and everything using super Garlean technology, giving me a false Echo and...crap, I said too much didn’t I?
P. Meepel: Yes, you did...and I don’t see any reason to fight you considering we’ve already won.
Fordola: Bah, you will rue the day you walked away from me! I WILL KILL YOU NOW!
R. Meepel: Like, you and what army?
Fordola: ...I might be biting off more than I can chew.  Fine! I will let you leave.
S. Meepel: ¿Lo que acaba de pasar?

*at Rhalgr’s Reach*
Alphinaud: Ah good! My plan went by without a hitch!
Conrad: Good, we will set up camp there to protect this location!  Though a friend of yours from the scions has shown up.
P. Meepel: Ah, must be Thancred.  I suppose he’s ready to he-...
Arenvald: It is I, Arenvald of the Scions!
P. Meepel: ...who are you again?
Arenvald: Oh, sorry, I guess you wouldn’t notice me since I’m not at any of the meetings.
D. Meepel: Were you assisting sir Hoary Boulder in his unknown tasks!?
Arenvald: ...sure, let’s go with that.  Anyway, I’m here because I’m part Ala Mhigan and I wanted to help.
P. Meepel: And what makes you think you can actually do something relevant…
Arenvald: Well you see, I recently discovered that I am…
P. Meepel’s Mind: NO! Don’t say it! IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE you won’t say it!
Arenvald: ...one of Hydaelyn’s gifted chosen, since I have the echo.  I figured that could at least come in handy against a Primal or something.
P. Meepel: Oh, that’s...actually handy.  Always nice to see someone else with...wait, how long have you known this?
Arenvald: I dunno; I just assumed I was seeing freaking hallucinations until Krile gave an explanation of what having the Echo was like and they matched it perfectly.
W. Meepel: What happen to you then?
Arenvald: Throbbing headache followed by seeing events entirely in brown?
W. Meepel: ...ok, that echo.
D. Meepel: Wait, he said a Primal...why do I feel we must hunt another one of those?!
Purple Ananta: Uh, guys, I have some bad news…
Quinn: Ah crap, now we have to deal with SNAKE BITCHES on top of this stupid black horn!?
P. Meepel: I will pretend I didn’t hear that...and let me guess...your evil tribe who dresses in blue is going to summon a Primal in order to kill us all?
Purple Ananta: Actually, that’s exactly right!  You even knew of the color!  How’d you do that?
P. Meepel: ...I WAS KIDDING! Geez, sometimes I hate being right all the time.

*at the Ananta encampment*
Ananta Chieftan: Ah! So you’re the champion assisting the resistance.
P. Meepel: Yes, yes I am.  And yes, I did notice you support them, and yes, I know, the ones in purple are the good guys, so what color are our enemies?
Ananta Chieftan: I guess they wear blue, which fits considering they fight under Lakshmi who is…
D. Meepel: Aha! That would be our primal opponent you wish for us to take down!  Let us revel in the glory of combat!
W. Meepel: Me think Dark Knight catch Susano virus…
R. Meepel: Like, omg! Is that contagious!? I don’t want to get sick before the big Kugane Sale next week!
S. Meepel: Dios mio…

*at the Qalyanna Encampment, namely the bad Ananta*
Qalyanna #1: Hark! There goessssss the enemies!
P. Meepel: Gods damn it, Natia, we told you NOT to steal from them until AFTER the primal!
Natia: But the treasure was calling to me!
William: If a treasure is calling to you, it is not a treasure but one that is mimicing a treasure…
*treasure turns into a Mimic*
William: See?
Lyse: You know, maybe we should have gotten context about WHY this Primal exists?
P. Meepel: I don’t know why it matters.  All that’s going to happen is I’m going to fight it, with assistance of my...allies...and have to take it down, and we go back to the way things were.  If they summon it again, I’m just going to have to fight it AGAIN.  I mean, I’ve already have to fight Titan at least twice...and I guess Garuda twice kind of…
W. Meepel: Actually, we fight more times.  Remember relic?
P. Meepel: I was hoping you didn’t…
D. Meepel: Such is the way of heroes! For it is our honor as the WARRIOR OF LIGHT to take down the evil gods and…
*arrows fly at Dark Knight’s head, barely missing, interrupting her heroic speech*
D. Meepel: It seems our opponents have no honor.
S. Meepel: Bueno, son serpientes…
Alisaie: Me and Lyse can distract them while you fight a prim-...
Qalyanna #2: HARK! THE WHITE HAIRED SSSSSPEAKSS!!!!! KILLSSSSS HER!!!
Alisaie: ...screw it…
*Alisaie nukes a bunch of Ananta*
Lyse: I guess that is one way to handle the situation…
Qalyanna #3: GET THE BLONDE ONE!
Qalyanna #4: Yes! SHE’S THE IMPORTANT ONE!
Lyse: But I didn’t say I’m…
*Paladin covers Lyse’s mouth*
P. Meepel: DO NOT FINISH SAYING THAT! IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE FOR THE LOVE OF THE TWELVE!
Quinn: Whatever, let her finish it.  She’ll get herself killed.  Makes my life easier…
*Quinn takes an arrow to the knee*
Quinn: ...ok, ALL THESE SNAKE BITCHES MUST DIE!
*Quinn goes on a pyro enraged fest*
P. Meepel: Yeah, I’m just...going to face off against the Primal now…

*at Lakshmi’s lair*
P. Meepel: Alright, you dumb, ugly god being! Show yourself, so that I can be done with beating you up! 
D. Meepel: This is the liveliest I’ve ever seen you, sister!
P. Meepel: I figured being enthusiastic may speed this up for once…
*actually quite beautiful woman that is about 15 feet tall*
Lakshmi: Who were you calling ugly, now?
P. Meepel: ...can I take that back?
Lakshmi: You can try, I’m still going to kill you, chosen of Hydaelyn!
P. Meepel: In other words...no…
Lakshmi: Now that we’ve gotten the greetings out of the way, come join me and my children, and I might spare you! 
P. Meepel: ...I’m not becoming your thrall…
*The other members of Meepel’s team bust in*
Natia: Aha! One could say that chest had BITE to it!
Quinn: I swear to god, Natia, if you make one more pun, I will feed you to those elephants out there!
Natia: Sounds like you’re ready for a pounding!
William: I’m not healing either of you should you die…
D. Meepel: Where is our comrade Asher?
S. Meepel: Lo vi lidiando con Susano allí…
W. Meepel How he not dead?
S. Meepel: Escuché algo sobre Mahjong…
W. Meepel: ...me not even know Asher or Susano play Mahjong…
S. Meepel: Bueno, no lo hacen…
Susano: *in the background* Aha! You win this round, my Eternal Rival! TIME FOR A REMATCH!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, that sounds about right...but first we need to fight this thing…
R. Meepel: Ooh! I have an idea!
P. Meepel: Really? What is it?
R. Meepel: Well, you see, that Lakshmi is actually like TOTALLY pretty, right?
Lakshmi: At least PART of you recognizes that!
R. Meepel: And here I was thinking “wow, I wonder how she gets those good looks” and then I thought about it and realized she must do EVERYTHING different than Quinn! That’s why she looks so pretty!
Quinn: What...did...you...SAY!??!?
R. Meepel: I’m saying she’s like TOTALLY super divine pretty because she’s the complete opposite of you Quinn!
Quinn: Oh NO! THAT BITCH HAS TO DIE!
*Quinn grabs a battle axe, sets if on fire and charges at Lakshmi*
P. Meepel: ...what was the point of that, Red Mage?
R. Meepel: It’s funny!
D. Meepel: ...Quinn...might actually win this fight…
P. Meepel: You’re joking…
Quinn: *in the distance* AND THIS IS FOR YOUR FAKE MAKE UP!!!!
*5 minutes later, Quinn appears, covered in Qalyanna blood, and Lakshmi is dissipating away*
Quinn: Stupid. Fucking. BITCH *Quinn drops dead*
R. Meepel: OH. EM. GEE! I killed Quinn AND Laskhmi with that! My plan totally worked better than I could have hoped!
P. Meepel: ...can’t argue with results…
*Lyse and Alisaie come in*
Alisaie: ...do I even want to know what happened here?
W. Meepel: Somethings better left not answered…
P. Meepel: ...what she said…

*back at the Ananta Camp*
Ananta Chieftan: Ah, so you’ve defeated Laskhmi.  Well, that’s one less threat to worry about!
P. Meepel: Good.  Now we can take a nice relaxing moment to recover.  It’s not like there’s anything else we have to do…
Lyse: ...we still have to liberate all of Ala Mhigo…
P. Meepel: Gods DAMN IT!!!!


Narrator: And so, we end with Quinn actually being helpful for once, and a Primal being defeated.  We apologize, this will never happen again.

-----

This is a short episode, but at this point, I'm trying to blitz through the end of 4.0.  Ala mhigo stuff is boring and not even THAT good for comedy.  If it seems like I'm rushing...I kind of am!  I will take my time again when we get to post-4.0 stuff where I have more fun things planned.

[Meeplelard]

Editted Chapter 7 because I screwed up the timeline and recently replaying those events made that clear.

[Meeplelard]

Chapter 11: Liberty or Wipe

P. Meepel: So we’ve killed another primal and liberated Castellum Veldonya.  What’s next on the agenda?
Lyse: Apparently, Krile got kidnapped and needs rescuing…
P. Meepel: When did THAT happen?
Conrad: While you guys were away liberating Doma…
P. Meepel: ...and WHY wasn’t that the first thing you told us?
Conrad: Because we needed to get back Castellum Veldonya…
S. Meepel: Dios Mio, esta muy estupido.
Quinn: Whatever, we can probably let her rot there.  Be one less person to worry about.
D. Meepel: Nay! We must rescue her!  She is a valuable ally! WE CAN’T LEAVE THEM BEHIND!
Quinn: And how is that little pipsqueak valuable again?
W. Meepel: She have echo…
Lyse: And there’s probably a good chance we’ll run into Fordola there.  She’s apparently stalking us and wants both of us dead...and she’s apparently gained super powers from the Garleans to.
P. Meepel: Wait really? I thought she was bluffing seeing as we kind of just ignored that!
Lyse: YOU ignored it, I actually fought her and she’s a lot stronger!
P. Meepel: Seriously? Why didn’t you bring that up sooner?
Lyse: I tried too...but then you went all uncharacteristically gungho to go fight a primal that you weren’t listening…
D. Meepel: Ah, so an obstacle we must overcome...how do we deal with this chall-...er...problem?!?
Alphinaud: Well, Urianger said he has a solution!  We should go meet up with him!
P. Meepel: Please don’t tell me you’re about to...
Alphinaud: Yes, indeed. Pray, we should return to the Waking Sands!

*one Alphinaud strangling, wrestling Paladin off his neck, and a trip back to Vesper Bay later*
W. Meepel: Paladin, you ok?
P. Meepel: I’m fine *is fuming*
Alisaie: So what is it Urianger wants to give us?
Urianger: Ah, it is verily imperative that I deliver unto thee this object of incredible importance that should suffice in accomplishing the goal thou hast set out to deal with!
P. Meepel: ...Samurai, what the hell did he just say?
S. Meepel: ¿Por qué iba a saberlo?
Alphinaud: I think he is saying he has something that can help us.
P. Meepel: At the risk of losing my sanity further, what do you want to give us?
Urianger: The object in question is but none other than one based off of White Aetheryte, that is capable of being used to draw forth the aethers from another source unto itself, thereby rendering it temporarily unusable.  It should serve sufficient for dealing with the threat thou is about to confront in order to achieve thine goals, which Lyse has so graciously informed me of unto thy current predicament anon.
R. Meepel: My head, like, totally hurts…
Thancred: In other words, he has something similar to White Aetheryte that can help you deal Fordola.
P. Meepel: Wait, you understood that?
Thancred: I’ve had the luxury of spending many long summers with him, so it was only natural I picked up a thing or two about his way of speaking.
P. Meepel: ...I don’t know if I should applaud you or pity you…
Lyse: Either way, we have the means to deal with Fordola now, and save Krile.  We should hurry off to do that!

*at the enemy base*
Garlean Soldier #93: Hark! It’s the Warrior of Light and the Scions!
P. Meepel: Ok, before we get into a fight and you throw your life away, probably mentioning about how you’re important or something, let’s make this easier on EVERYONE and you simply give up and walk away like nothing ever happened.
Garlean Soldier #93: I...actually like that idea! GOOD DAY LADDIE!
P. Meepel: ...I’m starting to regret giving him that option…
Lyse: I feel like we’re forgetting someone…
Fordola: LYSE!!!! TIME FOR OUR REMATCH!
Alisaie: ...how did we forget about her right after we just went out of our way to get an object to deal with her?
Fordola: I AM EVEN STRONGER NOW! TASTE MY STE-...
P. Meepel: Oh shut up *kicks the object into Fordola*
Fordola: Ow! How dare you disrespect...wait, why do I feel weaker?
Lyse: Ah, it worked! Excuse me, I’ll solve this problem!

*one fight and rescue later*
P. Meepel: So, we got Krile back and everything is good! What’s next?
Alphinaud: Everything is good? Alisaie is injured and bed ridden! How can you be so heartless!?
P. Meepel: Wait, when did THAT happen?
Alphinaud: YOU WERE THERE AND SAW IT!
R. Meepel: OMG, Paladin, what’s wrong with you?  I expected that kind of behavior from Quinn!
Quinn: Meh, she’s not wrong for once.
D. Meepel: Nonetheless, we must push forward! How many more problems are there?
M’naago: Well, Conrad took a force to take Specula Imperatorius in hopes to take that! It’s a good thing the Empire doesn’t have a MASSIVE CANNON stationed at Castrum Abania that just happens to be aimed in that direction!
P. Meepel: That is an oddly specific problem you bring up…
*Explosion happens in Specula Imperatorious*
Lyse: ...what just happened?
M’Naaga: ...looks like Castrum Abania had a giant cannon aimed in that direction and they fired it at Specula Imperatorious…
P. Meepel: ...guess we should probably investigate what happened there…

*at Specula Imperatorious*
P. Meepel: ...well, I think I speak for everyone when I say this mission is a failure…
Lyse: PEOPLE DIED!
P. Meepel: Yes...it ended in failure.  We can’t sit and mull over everyone.
Lyse: Conrad was like a father to me! He’s gone!
D. Meepel: Alas, fair Lyse, I understand your problems! It is important to mourn but we have more pressing matters! We can honor his untimely demise by destroying that which destroyed him!
M’Naago: In other words, we need to head to Castrum Abania and take out that cannon. Can’t get anything done until that cannon is taken care of after all.  Probably should occupy the fort as well, that’d be a huge blow to them!  Sources say Zenos is nowhere near that area too.
W. Meepel: Sound good.  When we go?
M’Naago: I suppose now! But who said you were going?
*Various forms of Meepel glare at M’naago*
M’Naago: ...ok, fine, yes, I was planning on sending you.

*Castrum Abania*
M’Naago: ok, your goal is to go in there with your adventurer friends…
P. Meepel: Can they even be called friends?
Natia: TREASURE!!!
Quinn: Meh...
William: Why do you keep relying on me?
Asher: *impaled by the Ame-no-Murakumo*
M’Naago: ...fine, your misshapen companions.  You go up there, destroy the cannon, and take the fortress.  Got it?
P. Meepel: So do what I usually do, got it.
R. Meepel: Yeah, but you know what would be like TOTALLY AWESOME? If some Azure Dragoon would just jump up there and destroy the cannon for us, and like we have to only deal with half the problems!
P. Meepel: That is also very oddly specific…

*atop the cannon in Castrum Abania*
Estinien: Finally, time to repay my debt to the Warrior of Light! This is where I atone for my sins!  I WILL MAKE A MARK ON ALA MHIGO’S LIBERATION!
*Estinien effortlessly destroys the cannon by jumping on it*
Estinien: And so, my duty is finished!

*back at Meepel, explosion at the cannon is seen*
P. Meepel: ...what happened this time?
M’Naago: I think someone jumped up there and destroyed the cannon for us, thereby cutting the amount of work you have to do in half.
Lyse: It is important we check it out! We must make sure they cannot use Castrum Abania on us!
P. Meepel: *sigh* Alright, you know the drill.  Quinn, William, Asher, let’s get to it.
Lyse: What about Natia?
Natia: TREASURE~ *charges into the Castrum*
P. Meepel: What ABOUT Natia?

*in Castrum Abania*
D. Meepel: Ok, I believe at this point we all know our roles.  I or one of my fellow tank sisters…
P. Meepel: ...please stop calling us that…
W. Meepel: Me not think so bad…
D. Meepel: ...shall divert enemy attention, William will heal our wounds and Quinn and Asher shall make short work of the enemy!
P. Meepel: I think you’re giving way too much credit to everyone else here…
D. Meepel: What makes you say that?
William: I’ll heal only if I think you deserve it. 
Asher: *smoldering corpse as a result of a recent Susano encounter off-screen*
D. Meepel: ...it appears this may be more difficult than I initially expected…
R. Meepel: Like, seriously! We have to rely on Quinn now to do all the work we don’t do! That’s, like, totally going to ruin everything.
Quinn: Look, you color confused black horned little whelp, I’ll have you know I am worth more than you ever will!  Afterall, YOU’RE just a personality, not a full person!  You can just cast your magic and stab things with your dinky rapier while I can master multiple professions!
William: Well, that was unfairly harsh...
R. Meepel: ...Paladin?
P. Meepel: Yes?
R. Meepel: I’m tanking this dungeon, can I borrow your sword and shield please?
P. Meepel: What? Seriously? That’s so unlike you...
R. Meepel: I, like, totally need to prove Quinn seriously wrong! Can I borrow them just for this dungeon puh-lease?
P. Meepel: I...guess?  I’ll just...hold onto your rapier and magic gem in the meantime...just don’t hesitate to ask Dark Knight or Warrior for help if things go south.
R. Meepel: Omigod! This is going to be TO-TA-LLY awesome!
Quinn: ...you have got to be kidding me…
S. Meepel: Bueno, esto de repente se volvió interesante…

*one dungeon later, successfully tanked by Red Mage but only because William felt pity for once and actually did his job*

R. Meepel: Wow, that was like totally rough.  I think I broke some nails there.  How do you do it all the time?
W. Meepel: Is not hard if train…
D. Meepel: I just let the BURNING PASSION of JUSTICE guide my blade through all the punishment the enemies dare inflict upon me!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, sure, let’s go with that…
Quinn: ...what the heck did you just force me to go through?  I refuse to believe that actually just happened! No way that worthless blackhorned little harlot actually did that!?
S. Meepel: Un Mago Rojo estancó la mazmorra con éxito y tú lo niegas.
Quinn: Meh, not worth it.
P. Meepel: In any event, I think we’re done here, let’s go tell everyone!

*back at Rhalgr’s Reach*
Alphinaud: Ah, good, so now that we’ve accomplished that, we can start planning the assault on Ala Mhigo and reclaim it!
P. Meepel: ...how’s your sister?
Alphinaud: Oh, she’s recovering still…probably going to have to sit out the last moments of the liberation.
D. Meepel: That seems unfortunate...she is a powerful ally for our cause!
Lyse: Yes, but soon we shall have our liberation!  For just like my father and his kin before us have said, Liberty of Death!
P. Meepel: Just where did...nevermind.
M’Naago: ...maybe I should warn you that there’s some suspicious activity in front of the gates of Ala Mhigo...looks like wolfmen…
Alphinaud: Lupine? But they’re from Doma! What are they doing...come! Warrior of Light, we shall deal with them together!
P. Meepel: Wait, you’re actually going to do something?
Alphinaud: Well, someone needs to fill in for Alisaie’s absence, and I’ve pretty much told everyone our plan...and we need to kill time until the necessary reinforcements get here.
P. Meepel: You just want an excuse to get out of this almost literal mudhole, don’t you?
Alphinaud: That is an added benefit, I won’t deny.

*Meepel and Alphinaud at the gates of Ala Mhigo*
Alphinaud: Well I don’t see any Lupine in the open, and given there’s only two of us, and them acting suspicious, I might guess…
P. Meepel: This was a trap that M’naago fell hook line and sinker for, that we were lucky she asked us to deal with them?
Alphinaud: Bluntly, yes.
Lupine #63: AHA! There she is! The one that hurt many of our kin!
D. Meepel: Wait, I know I have hurt many in the name of justice, but not once have I or my sisters (...even White Mage…) hurt any of your kin!
Lupine #64: QUIET! We know a villain when we see one! You black horned Xaela scum from the Azim Steppe all look the same!
W. Meepel: ...Lupine racist…
R. Meepel: They must be seriously related to Quinn!

*back at Rhalgr’s Reach*
Quinn: *sneezes*
William: Ah, it would appear one is talking about you behind your back!
Quinn: ...that cerulean bitch…

*back against the Lupine*
P. Meepel: Wait, I’m not even from the Azim Steppe!  My home is Ul’dah!
Lupine #78: Nonsense! Just what is that tribal ring you’re wearing?
P. Meepel: Well, it’s one of my pride and joys!  Absolute proof that I am functionally Queen of the...Azim...Steppe...
Alphinaud: ...don’t think you can talk your way out of this one...
Lupine #78: ALL THE PROOF WE NEED! GET THEM MEN!
D. Meepel: Methinks we might be in trouble…
P. Meepel: Gods damn it...
Alphinaud: So...I have this new trick…
P. Meepel: Will it prove effective against a bunch of wolfmen in a way that requires minimal effort?
Alphinaud: I don’t know, let’s find out! COME MOONSTONE CARBUNCLE!

*Moonstone Carbuncle spawns, creates a barrier, which all the Lupine charge into and get repelled, knocked out in the most embarrassing way*

Lupine #23: You haven’t seen the last of us!  We’ll come back with MORE men and lose in MORE embarrassing ways next time!
Alphinaud: ...that worked way better than I could have possibly envisioned.
P. Meepel: I’ll say.  Not even sure what happened but I won’t argue with the results!
R. Meepel: And I didn’t even have to comb my hair again!  Quinn’s going to be SOOOO jealous when she hears of this!
S. Meepel: Bueno, en cualquier caso, probablemente deberíamos volver?

*back at Rhalgr’s Reach*
M’naago: Where did you two go?
Alphinaud: Well, there were a bunch of Lupine from Othard here, and we figured they might be allied with the Garleans…
P. Meepel: Then they sort of kind of defeated themselves...somehow...which means we may have wasted our time considering that just proves they weren’t much of a threat, thinking on it…
D. Meepel: Ah, yes, but pray tell, where is our ally Lyse!?
Raubahn: Oh, she’s doing something important she said.  In the meantime, we have good news.  We’ve gotten reinforcements to help take Ala Mhigo!
P. Meepel: Let me guess, a few soldiers from the Maelstrom, Adders and Flames which you could have gotten at anytime…
Aymeric: *from behind Meepel* ...nice to see you too, Warrior of Light…
P. Meepel: ...wait, Ishgard’s helping!? Why are you here?
Aymeric: ...we joined the Eorzean Alliance.  You were there when we officially signed it.
Salo’wen: Yep! And she’s the reason you were able to do it, killing your father, overthrowing a giant Dragon, pissing off a bunch of nobles by giving a voice to the commoners!
P. Meepel: ...and where have YOU been Salo’wen?
Chunyi: We’ve been busy dealing with problems in the Lochs.  Trust me, the less you know what happened there, the better.  Salo’wen and I promised to NEVER go back there under any circumstance.
Natia: Sounds like you’re a little salty!
Quinn: Great, you just HAD to activate HER didn’t you?
R. Meepel: Pshaw, not like you’re any better.
Quinn: Meh.
Aymeric: In any event, our forces of Ishgard are going to be the brunt of the initial wave.  This is mostly due to how our forces are relatively unhurt compared to the Grand Companies, putting us in a prime position to take it up.
Alphinaud: Sounds good.  I feel we’ll need more than just Isghard’s support though, seeing as they have defenses around there through their towers.
P. Meepel: Yeah, be nice if we had help from another country from across the sea, but pity that won’t hap-...
Hien: Pardon my interruption and potential tardiness, but given the presence of certain individuals, I can only imagine this is the base the Ala Mhigan rebellion?
P. Meepel: Seriously, how do you guys do that?
Hien: To be fair, a large part of my army consists of Ninjas.
P. Meepel: ...touche…
Raubhan: Good, it seems we’re all here! Anyway, as noted by Aymeric, Ishgard will take the front lines once we invade Ala Mhigo itself.  Our new Doman allies will handle taking down the defenses such that Isghard can get in there.  Of course, we’ll need a small attack force…
P. Meepel: ...to do all the hardwork, including potentially fighting Zenos himself, who no doubt is waiting in the throne room specifically for me.  Seriously, just come out and say “Oh Warrior of Light, please shoulder a majority of the burden with your adventurer allies.”
Natia: Now I’m wondering if Meepel went to the Lochs!
William: It is not the Lochs that brings salt, but the salt that brings the Lochs.
Aleph: Aha! But that makes swimming all the easier, COME MY LOVELY FELINE COMPANION! WE SHALL SPEND TIME CLEANSING OURSELVES THERE! FOR NOTHING COULD SINK IN THOSE DEPTHS!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*runs off to go sink and drown in the Lochs*
P. Meepel: ...between the saltiness of the lakes there AND the fact that Asher gained the Kojin blessing letting him breathe underwater, what are the chances of…
W. Meepel: Me saw Susano there…
P. Meepel: ...nevermind…
D. Meepel: The important thing is it sounds we are ready to take back what is rightfully yours.  Ala Mhigo shall be liberated and justice shall be served!
Lyse: Yes! Nothing excites me more than how close we are to victory!
P. Meepel: Oh, nice of you to join us, Lyse…*notices her dress* ...what’s with the change in outfit?
Lyse: This was my sister, Yda’s.  I decided to wear it to honor her and her legacy, such that she could be with us in spirit.  Only now do I feel like I’ve earned the right to wear this!
P. Meepel: ...sure, why not.
Lyse: I do, however, feel I must acclimate myself to these new garbs.  They are not the same as what I once wore, as well as I need to see how far I’ve grown.  Perhaps you can aide me in this, Warrior of Light, in a simple sparring match?
P. Meepel: That...actually sounds like an interesting idea, but I’d rather sit this one out.  Any takers?
S. Meepel: Suena como un buen trabajo, ¡cuenta conmigo! ¡Yo me encargo!
W. Meepel: Samurai volunteer.  Me fine with that.
D. Meepel: Agreed!  It will be symbolic of an epic battle of Ala Mhigo and Doma, two allies fighting together!
R. Meepel: Like, you’re so dramatic Dark Knight!

*cue iconic sparring match scene at the start of Stormblood’s trailer between Samurai Meepel and Lyse*

*the next day at the gates of Ala Mhigo*

P. Meepel: Ok, so I’m going in with my usual group, but I feel I might need more support given we’re going up against Zenos and I get the sneaking suspicion that there might be something we’re overlooking.
D. Meepel: What pray-tell is that, my shieldmaiden self?
P. Meepel: Look, if I knew the answer to that, do you think it’d be a “sneaking suspicion” and not an outright “worried we’re dealing with something big?”
Salo’wen: I for one am just grateful you chose me to help you in this quest!
Chunyi: Yes, but a warzone is no room for a fair-maiden!
Quinn: I agree with that!
R. Meepel: Like, you both are totally correct.  It’s also a totally true fact that none of us are, like, “fair maidens”.
W. Meepel: Me surprised Red Mage not count self.
R. Meepel: Like, if I was one of those, I couldn’t totally fight at close range? OMG, do you think I’m some kind of healer?!
Wh. Meepel: ^_^ *cracking knuckles*
P. Meepel: AND WE’RE DONE ON THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT.  Anyway, William, you ready to heal?
William: No.
P. Meepel: Great! Asher, do you have a pulse now?
Asher: *Dead, apparently via lightning bolt*
P. Meepel: Yep, he’s fine!  I think that accounts for everyone!
S. Meepel: ¿Qué hay de Aleph?
W. Meepel: Me think he dead too.
D. Meepel: Well, no time to waste! Let’s end this war! LIBERTY OR-...
P. Meepel: ...or we give up and walk away.  I am NOT dying here one way or another.
D. Meepel: That is less than heroic.
P. Meepel: It is, however, embracing my own survival instinct!

*in Ala Mhigo itself*
P. Meepel: Ok, I’m not even going to bother explaining what we’re going to do here.  If it’s a Garlean, kill it.  If it’s not a Garlean, don’t kill it.
Quinn: ...damn…
W. Meepel: Look like we have bad guys.

*20 imperial soldiers, some in magitek armor show up*
Garlean Soldier #5896: COME MEN! THERE’S THE ENEMY! WE HAVE THEM OUTNUMBERED 20 TO 8!
Garlean Soldier #6722: Sir, I think there’s only 7?
Garlean Soldier #2734: Bah, none of you can count! There’s clearly only-...

*Samurai kills them effortlessly before he can finish*
S. Meepel: Ninguno de ustedes, que es lo único que importa.
Chunyi: That seemed unnecessarily brutal…
P. Meepel: It was, however, efficient…
R. Meepel: Like, why do I hear the sound of a car starting?


*Meepel looks up and sees a bunch of Mag Roaders charging them*
P. Meepel: ...well crap, that aint good...quick! Everyone! JUMP TO THE SIDE!
Quinn: Pfft, DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU STUPID BLACKHO-
*gets run over by Mag Roaders*
Natia: Wow, Quinn! You should have learned how to Dodge!
Quinn: *incomprehensible gibberish on the ground*
D. Meepel: It seems those vile creatures wish to fight us on fair grounds.  Have at thee! IN THE NAME MY BLADE I SHALL SMITE THEE!
P. Meepel: They’re not technically alive being machines and all, can we actually call it “smiting” as a result?
D. Meepel: Philosophical arguments can be discussed later, WE HAVE MORE PRESSING MATTERS AT HAND! LIKE SMITING THESE VILE CREATURES!
P. Meepel: ...I’m not sure if I should agree with you or simply facepalm...but either way, yes, let’s take care of…
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH GIANT WHEEL MONSTERS!
*Warrior Meepel uses Decimate and explodes them both*
P. Meepel: ...them…
Salo’wen: M-E-E-P-E-L! What’s that spell? MEEPEL! YAY!!!!
P. Meepel: So...what’s next on our agenda?

*next room, a GIANT MAGITEK SCORPION APPEARS*
William: So guys...attack while the tail is up...
Asher: A SOUND STRATEGY!
*Asher charges in and starts fighting it, attacking while the tail is up*
William: ...and it’ll counter attack with lasers!
*Asher gets fried by a tail laser beam to the face and dies horribly*
Natia: The competition is really heating up against that Scorpion!  That attack sure looked like it stung!
D. Meepel: It would appear we must battle this with caution…
S. Meepel: Podría matarlo rápidamente y terminar con él...
D. Meepel: Nay, we have lost one companion already, we dare not lose another!
P. Meepel: ...does Asher dying even count as losing a companion?
*On Linkpearl*: KWEH!!!!
P. Meeple: Shut up, Dumplin!
*the Guard Magitek Scorpion aims guns at Meepel*
P. Meepel: ...ah crap…
*Gun Shots, Targeting reticles, etc. later in the fight that the team survives, the Scorpion starts charging a big move involving a flamethrower from the front and a laser from behind*
P. Meepel: Ok, I think it’d be a wise idea to NOT STAND IN FRONT OR BEHIND IT.  It seems immobile while it’s doing that.
Quinn: Ok, fine, I’ll listen this time!
*Quinn starts running away*
William: Hey, I have an idea!
*Uses Rescue on Quinn, proceeding to get her fried by the flamethrower and lasers simultaneously somehow*
Quinn: FUCK. YOU! *drops to the ground fried*
P. Meepel: What in the twelve’s name was the point of that?
William: Entertainment!
R. Meepel: OMG, this is totally taking way too long!
*Red Mage throws a bunch of lighting bolts at it and it dies*
P. Meepel: ...well done, Red Mage.  So what’s next on the agenda?
S. Meepel: Muchos perros enojados, parece.
W. Meepel: Me not think we call Garleans that…
*looks up, an army of angry dogs appear*
Salo’wen: EEEEEH! SAVE ME!
Chunyi: Get me out of here, now!
Asher: CHALLENGE DECLINED!!!
P. Meepel: What’s up with them?
D. Meepel: Nay, is it not obvious? Dogs are the natural vile nemesis of the Mi’qote!
P. Meepel: ...we’re seriously doing that?
D. Meepel: Tis not mine decision, just a casual observation.  Surprised you did not know that, sister.
Natia: This is going to be a ruff one!
Quinn: Shut. The fuck. Up!!!
*Quinn tries to limit Natia with Meteors, misses, hits all the dogs*
Natia: Well, that certainly made space!
Quinn: AAAAAHHH!!!!!
P. Meepel: ...well can’t argue with results…
*Quinn chases Natia in the background with an axe*
William: Ah, but when the dogs fall, not only is it the cats that return…
Salo’wen: Are they gone?
Chunyi: Please tell me I maintained my feminine complexion!
Asher: *Ame-no-murakumo’d*
P. Meepel: ...wait, William, you’re a Mi’qote, why weren’t you…
William: ...but so to the giant colossus of red and blue!
D. Meepel: ...that does not portend well, my brethren!

*team looks up and sees two giant colossus, one glowing blue and one glowing red*
P. Meepel: *Sigh* I don’t have time for this ****.  Samurai, can you deal with this?
S. Meepel: Seria un placer!
*one Samurai ass kicking later*
R. Meepel: That was like...totally anticlimactic.
W. Meepel: Me not think they make like use too…
P. Meepel: Well, thankfully, we have one more obstacle in front of us before we finish the liberation...and it’s the one we’ve been dreading too...

*Giant doors to throne room open, revealing Zenos*

Zenos: Ahahah, yes, WELCOME WARRIOR OF LIGHT! Is this not a fitting stage for our final confrontation?
P. Meepel: You have got to be crazy if you think I’m going to fight you alone, I HAVE FRIENDS TO HELP ME THIS TIME!
William: I’ll help if I feel like it...which I don’t...
Quinn: Meh.
Natia: *busy looting the random chests*
Salo’wen: GO GET HIM, MEEPEL!
Asher: *Still dead*
Chunyi: ...am I seriously the ONLY one who actually intends on actually helping?
D. Meepel: We may have made a grave mistake in this instance…
P. Meepel: Is it too late to ask Raubhan, Aymeric or Hien for assistance at this point?
Zenos: Like a moth to the flame, why else would you come, if not for this?
P. Meepel: I can think of MANY reasons actually...
Zenos: LET US BEGIN!
*cue fight scene*
Zenos: REND!
*knocks Meepel’s team a distance*
P. Meepel: Ok, geez! Guys, if he starts charging wind, GET CLOSE TO HIM so we don’t hit the damage walls.
Chunyi: What about when he glows blue like he is now?
W. Meepel: Me not want to be close to that to find out…
Zenos: KILL!
*Lightning strikes, they miss thanks to Warriors advice*
Zenos: Well played, hero!
R. Meepel: Like, it was pretty obvious you were totally going to do some scary move right next to you…
*He starts glowing red*
William: Ah, glowing red! That’s how I feel everytime you guys take avoidable damage!
P. Meepel: ...you took as much damage as the rest of us…
William: Mostly because you didn’t warn me!
P. Meepel: ...William, I swear to the Twelve, I’m going to personally MURDER YOU if you don’t start getting your act together.
William: And I’m going to insured you GET murdered by not healing if you don’t stop arguing wtih me!
*Large red blasts hit both Meepel and William, William gets knocked out, and Meepel survives*
Salo’wen: HEALER DOWN! AAAAH!
Chunyi: To be fair, I don’t think we’re going to notice the difference…
D. Meepel: Nay! We still have him outnumbered! We can do this!
Zenos: Let this moment last forever!
*Zenos makes clones of himself*
P. Meepel: Now that is just unfair!
S. Meepel: ¡Los números no significan nada para mí!
*the clones stand there doing VERY OBVIOUS TELEGRAPHED ATTACKS, being not very notable*
Asher: AHA! AN INTIMIDATION TRICK! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher charges the clones slicing them*
P. Meepel: ...let’s just focus on the main one…
Zenos: Show me your all!
D. Meepel: That was indeed the intent, villain!
*Zenos throws his 3 swords and they start doing stuff*
P. Meepel: ...I don’t like where this is going.  Any ideas?
Natia; Attack the swords?
P. Meepel: ...well I got nothing better, let’s do it!
Quinn: You can’t make me!
R. Meepel: Hey Quinn, I think you’ve put on some weight since we started here!
Quinn: OH NO YOU DID NOT!
*Throws a fireball at Red Mage, who proceeds to dodge, blasting one of the swords, which Asher proceeds to finish off...somehow…*
P. Meepel: That’s one down, how should we get…
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH PUNY SWORD!!!
*Warrior does exactly what she said she would*
D. Meepel: There be but one left! Can we get there before he charges?
Natia: TREASURE!!!
*Natia pulls the sword like it’s treasure, gets blasted away, somehow interrupted Zenos’ attack*
P. Meepel: ...sure, let’s go with that…
Zenos: Have you the strength!? THE POWER TO TRANSCEND!
*big explosion occurs, everyone still standing*
Zenos: Yes, you are a worthy rival indeed. LET US CONTINUE!
S. Meepel: ¡Ahora somos tú y yo!
*Zenos and Samurai Meepel get into a big Katana duel, ending in one of those cliche slashes*
Zenos: Hmm...seems you have grown stronger…
S. Meepel: Ciertamente…
Zenos: Alas, but I have more pressing matters.
*Zenos retreats back to THE MENAGERIE*
P. Meepel: He just ran...I don’t like where this is going…
D. Meepel: How bad can it be? Tis not like he a giant primal locked behind him that is far stronger than the standard one that we must face!

*The team gets to the Menagerie, Zenos is standing in front of an imprisoned Shinryu*
D. Meepel: ...I stand but corrected…
P. Meepel: Ok, I REALLY don’t like where this is going...wait, are you just showing off that you managed to subdue Shinryu? PLease tell me this is just you showing off a trophy!
Zenos: Aha, yes, this dragon is worthy of me! I shall show you the true power it contains, and only then shall I truly assess how strong you are! MWAHAHAHAHAH!
P. Meepel: ...I think that just confirmed that things are about to go from bad to WAY WORSE THAN WE COULD HAVE IMAGINED.
W. Meepel: Methink you get dramatic…
P. Meepel: We’re about to fight Shinryu, the primal that we needed to unleash an ancient mechanical monstrosity even the Allagans couldn’t control.  I think I have EVERY RIGHT to be a little worried.
D. Meepel: Fear not, sister! If we stand together, we can take it.
Zenos: But before we do this, perhaps I shall offer you a deal.  Given you have earned my respect, would not like to join me? Then we can rule this world as the greatest warriors in the land, unopposed!  What as you, adventurers!?  WILL BE MY ALLY IN THIS NEW EMPIRE?
P. Meepel: ...yeah, not happening.
D. Meepel: That would be a most unjust decision.
W. Meepel: Me think it not thinkable…
R. Meepel: Like, spluh.  Totally uncool!
S. Meepel: Es una idea terrible.
William: It’s far more entertaining to be with THESE people than you!
Natia: That is not a treasure I want!
Salo’wen: If Meepel says no, I say no!
Asher: CHALLENGE DECLINED!!!
Chunyi: ...what they all said.
Aleph: If the lovely lady Mi’qote stay, I am by their side!
P. Meepel: Where did YOU come from, Aleph!?
Aleph: Would you believe I was waiting up here the entire time, hoping to save time?
P. Meepel: ...strangely, yes.
Quinn: ..sure, I’ll join.
P. Meepel: See, even Quinn’s being sarcastic.
Quinn: Sarcasm? No, I’m serious.  I’ll join him.
R. Meepel: Quinn, now is totally not the time to joke!
Quinn: I’m not joking.  I want to join his team.
D. Meepel: But why, Quinn!?
Quinn: You guys are asses to me.  I fucking hate all of you, why wouldn’t I join him?
Zenos: I was not asking YOU, you inferior white horned sub-human curr! You have not proven yourself! I have no room for weaklings on my team such as yourself!
Quinn: ...well fuck you too!
P. Meepel: Well, I think it’s unanimous...we all RUDELY decline your god awful offer.
Zenos: Well I suppose I have no choice but to destroy you!  Come my pet! Show them your power!
D. Meepel: ...verily, I think not that was the best word usage on him.
P. Meepel: Verily I think we’d be fighting Shinryu one way or another.
D. Meepel: Mayhap you are not wrong!

*Shinryu appears imposing as expected*
P. Meepel: ...I guess there’s no time like the present.  Alright everyone, you know your roles!
Quinn: *sigh* Fine, I’ll throw fireballs at the thing.
Salo’wen: You have my full support! Want to hear my theme song of yours!?
P. Meepel: NOW’S NOT THE TIME FOR DRAGON SONG! ...despite fighting a huge dragon…
Natia: Well, you have my lance!
Chunyi: And my bow!
Aleph: And my gun!
Asher: AND MY MANLINESS!!!
D. Meepel: Good, so all we have left is William’s excellent healing, ARE YOU WITH ME YAY OR NAY!?
William: Nay.
P. Meepel: ...what?
William: I don’t feel like healing through this.  You’ll probably be hit with big things and expect me to get you out of it.  Whatever, you can deal with it yourself.
R. Meepel: William, seriously, this is like TOTALLY not the time to be a jerk.  Take a chill pill!
William: Meh, not worth it.  You guys can have fun, I’m just going to go over there and craft a nice looking ring.
P. Meepel:  THAT’S IT! I’ve had enough of your BULLSHIT William!
D. Meepel: Sister! Please! Calm down! Think not of the anger and more of the enemy beforehand!
P. Meepel: No, I have ONE SOLUTION to this problem!
William: Wait, what are you doing?  No, wait, don’t do this! You don’t have-...

*Paladin throws William at Shinryu, results are exactly as you expect*
W. Meepel: What point of that?
P. Meepel: Therapy…
*Shrinryu starts charging a big move up*
Quinn: ...I think we should move…
P. Meepel: Say, what’s that giant water pillar over there...with a giant wave behin-...oh…
D. Meepel: I think what my sister means is we might want to get close to that!
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*Asher actually does as told*
S. Meepel: ... No puedo creer que esté diciendo esto, ¡pero todos sigan a Asher!
*everyone but Natia listens and survives*
Natia: Why, that attack sure looks like it’s going to be an absolute SPLASH!
*Natia gets hit by the Tidal Wave and knocked off the platform*
Natia *while falling*: AAAH NO WHY DID MY PUNS BETRAY ME!?
*Natia dies*
P. Meepel: Well, we’re already down TWO allies…
Quinn: And one of them was ENTIRELY your fault too…
R. Meepel: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Quinn is TOTALLY right…
P. Meepel: And I’m standing by that was the right thing to do!
Chunyi: So...are Primals suppose to be able to lay eggs?
P. Meepel: No, why?
*Points out a bunch of eggs have suddenly spawned*
S. Meepel: Ay, mierda…
Salo’wen: It’s ok! WE CAN TAKE THIS! It’s only 2 more small dragons!
*4 more eggs appear*
Salo’wen: Make that 6! We can take them!
*8 more eggs appear*
Salo’wen: Or it’s 8 no-...
P. Meepel: Salo’wen, PLEASE STOP SPEAKING! You’re just convincing him to make more egg-...
*16 more eggs appear*
D. Meepel: ...are you going to take the blame for that one?
P. Meepel: I think Hydaelyn decided today was when she wanted to prank me…

*big fight with 38 smaller dragons commences, things are going ok until one attacks Meepel from behind*
Salo’wen: Meepel! No! I MUST PROTECT YOU!
*Salo’wen takes a hit for Meepel*
P. Meepel: Salo’wen! You didn’t have to!
Salo’wen: But I saved you! My dream is complete!
W. Meepel: No mention you survive because tank…
P. Meepel: ...I guess that would be mean wouldn’t it?
Chunyi: Salo’wen! NO! My love!  How can I live without you!? I...I…
*Chunyi jumps off the side*
Chunyi: I”ll be with you soon!
P. Meepel: ...gods damn it…
Aleph: NO! MY LOVELY FELINE GODDESSES! I will not give in! I MUST FIGHT ON THEIR BEHALF! BEHOLD THE POWER OF...MY FLAMETHROWER!
*Aleph somehow roasts all dragons in a dramatic moment, while epic emotional, tragic music plays*
S. Meepel: ...Eso servirá, inútil. Eso servirá...
P. Meepel: Say, guys...where is Shinryu…
Asher: Hark! Is that the sound of a GIANT DRAGON coming from below!?
W. Meepel: Me think we should GRAB ONTO HIM!
**ACTIVE TIME MANEUVER**
P. Meepel: GOT HIM! This is...harder...than it seems...hope everyone is doing ok…
Asher: AHA! I HAVE RISEN TO THE CHALLENGE! *hanging on because his foot is caught in one of the spikes*
Aleph: I knew this ONE TIME USE Grappling Hook Drill will come in handy! *hanging on via a wire attached to said drill*
Quinn: FUCK. YOU. ALL!!! *gives everyone the finger as she falls failing to grab the dragon*

*they all land on a different platform*
P. Meepel: Ok, there’s 3 of us, since we just lost Quinn...but we can still do this! Let’s just make sure none of us die!
Aleph: Aha! Yes! I WILL STAND BY YOU TIL THE END!
*Giant tail crushes Aleph out of nowhere, killing him, Asher nowhere insight*
D. Meepel: I mean...he was not wrong there…
P. Meepel: ...well crap...looks like it’s us alone.  Alright girls, I think it’s time we finally do...THAT!
R. Meepel: Like, Paladin, do you mean…
P. Meepel: Yes, THAT!  Come on, everyone! By my lead...IT’S ECHO TIME!!!!
*Power Rangers sequence*
D. Meepel: Darkside!
R. Meepel: Dualcast!
W. Meepel: Inner Release!
S. Meepel: Iajustsu!
P. Meepel: Requiescat!
*cue impossible image of the 5 of them posing*
P. Meepel: Alright...let’s do this!

*Cue the second half of Worm’s Tail playing, as Meepel shifts between her forms back and forth.  Paladin Blocking energy blasts with her shield, Dark Knight slashing, being knocked away, Warrior Smashing the every crap out of Shinryu’s face, Samurai diligently slicing away elemental attacks, Red Mage blasting spells like crazy...I can’t explain it in words because shonen fights are HARD like that!*
P. Meepel: We’re doing well, everyone, keep it up!
D. Meepel: Our stamina reserves are dropping, this is not looking good!
W. Meepel: Me concur…
R. Meepel: And my mana is running out! Vercure isn’t going to be enough!
S. Meepel: Sí, necesitaremos un milagro...

*All of a sudden, a Benediction appears on Meepel fully restoring her*
P. Meepel: Huh? Where did that come from? Who did that?
Wh. Meepel: ^_^
P. Meepel: WHITE MAGE!? You...actually...healed for once?
Wh. Meepel: Of course! If you don’t keep your life, we can’t have fun stripping the life away from others!
P. Meepel: ...I’m not going to question your logic, simply going to thank your action!
D. Meepel: Ay! Let us slay this vile beast ONCE AND FOR ALL!


*Cue second half of dramatic fight that I really suck at explaining in great detail*
R. Meepel: I totally got this!
*Red Mage drops meteors on Shinryu*
S. Meepel: Mi turno!
*Samurai uses Sword Dance limit break*
W. Meepel: Meepel SMASH!!!!
*Fell Cleave Infuriated*
D. Meepel: FOR THE LIBERATION OF ALA MHIGO!
*Dark Knight uses Bloodspiller*
P. Meepel: And one last push...CIRCLE OF SCORN!!!
*Shinryu goes into dramatic death animation, cue victory screen with each Meepel doing a victory pose one after another*

P. Meepel: Phew, we actually did it!
D. Meepel: Ay, but at what cost?  All our comrades have fallen! Lots was lost this day!
Asher: INDEED! VICTORY IS OURS THIS DAY HOWEVER!!!
P. Meepel: Oh, Asher, you’re back to life already...should have figured…
Asher: ...I never died…
P. Meepel: Yeah I-...wait what!? 
Asher: Yes, this Dragon was merely but an obstacle that we overcame together!
D. Meepel: Praytell, Asher, why did you not assist us in defeating Shinryu if you were alive this entire time!?
Asher: I did...I was attacking the tail when you were focused on the body.  I prevented it from hurting you multiple times!
P. Meepel: Really?
Asher: Indeed!
P. Meepel: Oh...well...good job then!
Zenos: Ah, Warrior of Light, you have successfully defeated Shinryu! I should have expected nothing less from you, my one true rival...and friend!
P. Meepel: ...I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that last word…
W. Meepel: Me not think you stand chance now…
Zenos: Nonsense, I only wish to face you even more! Do not think I will back down so easily!
R. Meepel: Like, can we take a break or something?  I’m TOTALLY tired…
Zenos: AHAHAHA! Wretched currs! You dare defy me!? I, the single most important person in the Garlean Empire after my father!?
P. Meepel: ...wait, did he just say…
S. Meepel: Si.
D. Meepel: I think we should let fate run its course here!
Zenos: Have at thee, Warrior!
*Zenos slips on a puddle left by shinryu, somehow slices his throat, and falls off the edge*
P. Meepel: That was embarrassing even by Asher standards…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

*Grabs the corpse of Aleph and jumps off the top of the castle trying to use him as a parachute, plummeting to a painful death as he impales himself on a steeple of the castle*

Lyse: Ah! Zenos is finally defeated, Ala Mhigo is liberated!
P. Meepel: Where have you been this entire time? And why do you have basically the ENTIRE ALA MHIGHAN ARMY BEHIND YOU!? Oh no, that wouldn’t have been helpful against the Garleans or Zenos, or FREAKING SHINRYU or anything, nope!
Lyse: I...uhh...anyway, yo know what this calls for?
P. Meepel: Going back to the Drowning Wench in Limsa Lominsa and getting drunk to recover from the headache this past day has caused me?
Raubhan: Nonsense! This calls for...THE GREAT ALA MHIGAN ANTHEM!


*The Ala Mhigan National Anthem is sung, Quinn can be seen in the background barely mustering the strength to give everyone the finger, transition to Rhalgr’s Reach*

P. Meepel: Wait...so let me get this straight.  Y’shtola was sliced in half, and a simple bed rest and a few healing spells and she’s back on her feet?
Y’shtola: Yes, that’s correct!
P. Meepel: And Lyse wants to quit the scions to rebuild Ala Mhigo?
Lyse: I don’t see what’s wrong with that, everyone’s fine with it!
P. Meepel: And Alphinaud still can’t swim?
Alphinaud: I’M TRYING OK!?
D. Meepel: And yes, Thancred is still flirting with the ladies, Urianger doing nothing of import, and Papalymo is still dead, that covers everyone.
Alisaie: Oh yes, glad you’re not forgetting SOMEONE who only happened to save you from a bunch of giant turtle men or anything.  Nope, that’s can’t be happening!
Alphinaud: ...yes, sister, we know...by the way, Meepel, we got an important message from our liazon in Kugane.  You may want to speak to him about matters.  Bring the usual crew with you too!
P. Meepel: *Sigh* Ok, I’ll go deal with him…

*in Kugane*
P. Meepel: Ok, Glasses Guy, what do you want?
Glasses Guy: I told you, my name is Hanco-...
D. Meepel: Ay, Glasses Guy! What is the news!?
Glasses Guy: …*sigh* Anyway, I wanted to inform you about your partners debt situation…
P. Meepel: Oh?  Do tell.
Glasses Guy: Well, of note, Natia’s debt has been worked off, and she’s free to go as she sees fit!
P. Meepel: Wait, really? She’s done already?
Glasses Guy: Yeah.  Turns out her debt was relatively low, due to how most of them were just rookie mistakes and general medical bills.
P. Meepel: Oh...well...Natia, what do you say?
Natia: I’d say my hard work has PAID off! This was an absolute TREASURE of an adventure!
W. Meepel: Good luck, Natia. Hope you safe.
Natia: Aha! I shall MAP OUT the next treasure and go forth!  I hope your adventures take you TO THE MOON, and then you end up FIRST!
P. Meepel: ...I have no idea what you’re talking about but pleasure working with you, I guess.  Stay safe!
William: Wait, what about us!?
Quinn: Yeah, what the fuck? Why aren’t we allowed to leave?
Glasses Guy: You two have a significantly more amount to pay off.  Let’s use this chart.  IF this is Natia’s amount *shows a small bar*, then yours, William, is this one here *Shows a bar magnitudes higher, making Natia’;s nearly invisible by comparison*
Quinn: And mine?
Glasses Guy: Yours is so bad, it’s unquantifiable…
Quinn: ...can I pray to Zodiark for a quick death, please?
P. Meepel: And Asher?
Glasses Guy: ...never had any to begin with.  He kind of just demanded we force him to join your team so he can pay off a non-existent debt because…
P. Meepel: Let me guess…”And I quote ‘Challenge Accepted’?” Did I get that right?
Glasses Guy: More or less…
P. Meepel: ...ok, I guess we have a lot of post war stuff to work on now.  But hey, we at least ended a war! I’d say it all ended well, right?! But I feel like I’m forgetting something…

*Loud “Kweh” from the distance*
P. Meepel: SHUT UP DUMPLIN!!!!!

Narrator: And so, Meepel has restored order in Ala Mhigo! And thus our story comes to end...except not since there’s a crap ton more stuff to work on.  TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR…

SEASON 2 OF STORMBLOOD ABRIDGED!!! (which may take forever)


********

Ok, this is the end of Season 1. Season 2 will have characters in new outfits, and basically be everything from 4.1 to 4.55, with some side stuff thrown in.  I’ll try to do this more efficiently, I promise!

Also…
This chapter dedicated to the memory of our good friend John, aka the one who created Natia Ravenclaw, who so recently passed away.  You were a joy to talk to, and hilarious to work with.   I cannot in good faith torture Natia anymore as a result (the one death here was requested by he himself), and so I gave her a proper send off.  May you rest in peace.

[Meeplelard]

Due to the existence of Shadowbringers, I felt it necessary to write an interlude to explain a precursor to those events.  As a result, I present to you, between Season 1 and Season 2...

Interlude: It's a Syrcus in Here...

Narrator: We travel back to a time before the Warrior of Light, Meepel, ever entered Ishgard.  This of course means you will be spared the antics of Quinn, Asher, and William!
Quinn: Well fuck you too…
William: Good, maybe I can get SOMETHING done in that time…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*detonates, attempting to take the entire Crystal Tower down with him, it goes about as well as expected*

*in Mor Dhona*
P. Meepel: *Sigh* Things have been boring lately…
W. Meepel: What you mean?
P. Meepel: Ever since we beat the Ultima Weapon, all we’ve been doing is just waiting for stuff to happen…
Wh. Meepel: Yeah, not enough things to hit with Holy ^_^
W. Meepel: Moggle Mog not enough?
P. Meepel: ...I thought we agreed never to talk about that again…
W. Meepel: Sorry, me forget.
*Linkpearl rings*
Minfillia’s Voice: Oh, GREAT WARRIOR OF LIGHT!
P. Meepel: You could just call me by name at this point…
Minfillia’s Voice: I have something important to tell you! Please Return to the Waking Sands!
P. Meepel: ...but didn’t we relocate to the Rising Stones?
Minfillia’s Voice: I know what I said!

*at the Waking Sands*
P. Meepel: Ok, so why am I here instead of the Rising Stones?
Urianger: Ah, verily! I pray tellest thou of most import that Minfillia wish me give thee these details in much haste!
W. Meepel: What you say?
Urianger: Alas, it was foretold that thou must decipher these letters written anon by Minfillia giving thee directions to your task!
Wh. Meepel: Can I…
P. Meepel: No, that won’t be necessary…
Wh. Meepel: Aww
Urianger: Pray state to oneself what these words transcribed upon thy letter from our Antecedent doth mention.
P. Meepel: Let’s just see what this says…
Minfillia’s Letter: Warrior of Light, Cid wishes to meet you at the Son of Saint Coinach.  He wishes to speak to you about something important!
P. Meepel: ...where is this spot anyway?
Urianger: Ah, it is upon the grounds of Mor Dhona, in proximity to the Crystal Tower that looms in the distance anon, for with that shalt be thy destination.
W. Meepel: ...but we came from Mor Dhona…
P. Meepel: AND THE RISING STONES IS RIGHT THERE!? Why didn’t she just tell me on the spot?
Urianger: Alas, it seems thou must return to Mor Dhona while I study much of which has naught to do with thy current predicament.
W. Meepel: Me think we waste time here…
P. Meepel: Agreed..

*back at Mor Dhona*
Cid: Aha, Warrior of Light! Glad to see you!
P. Meepel: Cid, one question before we get onto business.
Cid: Yes?
P. Meepel: You have a linkpearl on the same wavelength as mine, why didn’t you just contact me directly?
Cid: Well, you see, you changed your pearl number after the Praetorium for reasons I don’t know.
P. Meepel: Oh, right that did happen…*to herself* mostly because he wouldn’t stop...
W. Meepel: Wait, why we tell Minfillia again?
P. Meepel: Because unfortunately she owns our Linkpearl plan, unfortunately.
W. Meepel: There’s plan?
P. Meepel: Apparently, yes.
Cid: Anyway, we have been excavating the Crystal Tower, and have found some amazing discoveries!
P. Meepel: Ok, that sounds interesting...but not sure how I can help with this...excavation isn’t really my thing. What do you need me to do?
Cid: Well, you see...we found this interesting location, and it’s protected by these major barriers.
P. Meepel: Go on…
Cid: And well...we’ve found they’re elementally aligned.  Researching has told us that using various elemental catalysts to create elemental horns can help us get rid of them!
P. Meepel: Ok, the elemental part I get, but why horns?
Cid: So what I need you to do is…
P. Meepel: ...you didn’t answer my quest-...
Cid: Go to these designated 4 locations, defeat the champion of the beast tribe in question, and get their crystal!
P. Meepel: So wait...you want me to waltz into a Beast Tribe camp, simply go “HEY, WHERE’S YOUR CHAMPION!?”, kill said champion, and take their crystal?  That doesn’t seem like it’d work…

*at Zaharak*
P. Meepel: Can’t believe Cid has me doing this.  *clears throat* So...is there a champion of fire anywhere near by?
Afajj Koh: Rar! THE ONE WHO HAS SLAIN IFRIT HAS APPEARED! I SHALL AVENGE HIM BY THE NAME OF MY FIREY EXPLOSIONS!
P. Meepel: So...are you the guy I’m looking for?
Afajj Koh: WE SHALL SACRIFICE YOU TO LORD IFRIT! BURN TO OUR LORD! ALL HAIL IFRIT AND HIS LOVING FLAME!
W. Meepel: Want me handle this?
P. Meepel: Knock yourself out.

*one FATE beatdown later*
W. Meepel: That easy.  What next?
P. Meepel: According to Cid’s list, we have to go to...crap, list got burned by that guy...guess we need to go ask Cid for another…
Strange Male Voice: You have to go to Western La Noscea!
P. Meepel: Huh?
Strange Male Voice: GO TO WESTERN LA NOSCEA! Trust me, I’m your friend...nevermind that I’m speaking at you from some place you can’t see me!
P. Meepel: ...well I don’t have any other BETTER leads...

*at Sapsa Spawning Grounds in Western La Noscea*
Yarr the Wavefiend: Hissss!  IT IS HER! SHE HASSSSSS SSSSSLAIN MANY OF OUR KIND!
P. Meepel: Hey, let’s be fair! It was Thancred and Yugiri who did most of that, with a side of Merlwyb, I mostly came in and...took down Leviathan...who was your god...ok, that’s really not making this situation any better is it?
Yarr the Wavefiend: Hissssss! Stay back, you land-dweller, or we shall drown you! For it is I, the voice of Leviathan himself, for when he risssssess, he shall than me! YARR THE WAVEFIEND!
P. Meepel: ...your name is...Yarr…
Yarr the Wavefiend: THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A MORE NOBLE NAME FOR THE VOICE OF OUR LORD OF THE WHORL!
P. Meepel: Pfffffffftttttahahahahahah!  I’m sorry, I can’t contain myself, your name is Yarr!  I...I...can’t do this, I feel like I’m kicking a puppy!
Wh. Meepel: Ooh! Can I do it ^_^!?
P. Meepel: Knock yourself out *still laughing*  I need a moment…

*Holy and Stone IIs, and Aero II’s later, Yarr is defeated*
Wh. Meepel: Yay! He died! That was fun ^_^!
P. Meepel: And we got the water crystal.  Any ideas where to go next?
Strange Male Voice: Coerthas! Natalan! AND NOW I LEAVE AGAIN!
W. Meepel: So we get wind now…
P. Meepel: Anyone have any idea who that was?

*at Natalan in Coerthas*
P. Meepel: Brrrr. This is freezing, what the hell?
W. Meepel: It Coerthas.  You have jacket.  Me more cold.
P. Meepel: I get that, but there reaches a point where coats don’t do anything! ...how long have we been here?
Wh. Meepel: 1 hour ;_;
W. Meepel: Why he won’t appear…
P. Meepel: Maybe they heard what we did to the other two, and news travels fast and...I dunno...it can’t be THAT much longer right?


*3 hours later*
P. Meepel: WHERE THE HELL IS HERE ALREADY!?
W. Meepel: ME ANGRY! ME WANT SMASH ALL IXALI!
P. Meepel: Normally, I’d tell you to restrain yourself, but I think that might warm us up, better than waiting for this Kozol Nomotl to show up!
Kozol Nomotl: SQWAUK! DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME!? SQWAUK!
P. Meepel: Wait...are you the one we’ve been waiting for!?
Kozol Nomotl: SQWAUK! I AM KOZOL NOMOTL! ONE OF THE GREAT CHIEFS OF NATALAN AND EMISSARY TO THE LADY GARUDA!
Wh. Meepel: Oh, yay! We can leave soon after we kill you ^_^
P. Meepel: Yeah, let’s get this over with…
Kozol Nomotl: Ok, here you go *hands Wind Crystal to Meepel*
P. Meepel: Wait what?
Kozol Nomotl: Look, you SQWAUK defeated Garuda! I don’t stand a chance against you! Now let us never speak of this again, SQWAUK!
P. Meepel: Uh...ok...thanks?
W. Meepel: And last place we need go is…
Strange Male Voice: You know where to go! There’s only one other place that fits the description of Earth Beast Tribe!
P. Meepel: Wait, have you been waiting in the sidelines this entire time, in the freezing cold wastelands of Coerthas watching us wait for this one guy?
Strange Male Voice: Yes, yes I have! I also know you were intentionally stalling because you don’t want to go to the next place, that being…
Wh. Meepel: You’re not going to say what I think you’re going to say, are you ^_^? *cracks knuckles*
Strange Male Voice: Yes, the KOBOLD DEN OF UGA’MORO MINES!


*back at the Son of Saint Conch*
Cid: Ah, Warrior of Light, you have attained the 4 Crystals!  Though...might I ask why you are covered in so much blood and foreign hair…
P. Meepel: I totally didn’t commit mass genocide in an attempt to get the Earth crystal, nope!
Wh. Meepel: We did have fun though ^_^
Cid: Huh? But you had to just defeat one Titan Priest of Kob-...
P. Meepel: Like I said, Mass Genocide, DIDN’T HAPPEN!  Can you make the horns please?
Cid: Well then, I suppose I could.  Though before we get down to business, there is something I need to talk to you about!
P. Meepel: What’s that exactly?
Cid: Someone came here looking for you...
P. Meepel: Oh really? Who is that?
Cid: It’s best you see for yourself.
P. Meepel: Ok, where is he?
Male Roegadyn: Hi.
P. Meepel: Oh he-...wait, TEMARTU!? What are you doing here?
Temartu: I dunno, looking for you...maybe…
P. Meepel: You’re as...personable...as ever I see…
Cid: Ah, so you know this large fellow.
P. Meepel: Yes, yes I do.  One could say we’re related.
W. Meepel: He brother.
Cid: Oh, I did not know you had a brother! Though how can an Au’ra and Roegadyn be related?
P. Meepel: It’s best you don’t think about it, trust me.
W. Meepel: But we born Hyu-...
P. Meepel: Shhh!
Cid: Strangely, this is not who I was talking about.  This guy has been here for quite a while...didn’t even say anything.  We have no idea where he came from.
P. Meepel: That’s basically Temartu’s life in a nutshell…
Temartu: Probably…
Cid: In any event, the person who I was actually talking about was…
Mi’qote Male: Would be me! Now we can finally meet face to face!
P. Meepel: ...who are you again?
Mi’qote Male: Oh come on? Don’t you recognize me?
P. Meepel: ...we’ve literally never met…
Mi’qote Male: Oh come on! We totally met at the Uga’maro Mines after you so ruthlessly cut their residential population down by about a 1/3rd in blind rage…which may explain why you don’t remember seeing me...
Cid: ...I thought you just said…
P. Meepel: NO. GENOCIDE. HAPPENED!
Mi’qote Male: I see...in that case, let me introduce myself to you...again...I am G’raha Tia, from the Students of Baldesion!
Temartu: That sounds made up.
G’raha: Quiet you!
Temartu: Okay.
P. Meepel: Alright, and why do I care about you?
G’raha: Remember that strange voice when you were getting the crystals?
P. Meepel: ...I see...why didn’t you just introduce yourself first and foremost on the spot then?
G’raha: Wasn’t as fun this way!
W. Meepel: Me think you help us but not.
G’raha: I’m sorry, but can you speak normally?
P. Meepel: No, no she can’t.  That’s why I do most of the talking…
G’raha: What about that healer side of you?
P. Meepel: Let’s just say she has a little too much fun hurting things...a lot…
G’raha: But she’s a…
P. Meepel: In theory, yes, that doesn’t change my statement.
G’raha: In any event, I have been researching the Crystal Tower myself for...reasons...and I will help you out here!
P. Meepel: What’s with your eye?
G’raha: For you-...wait what?
P. Meepel: Yeah, I am addressing that now.  Why is one of your eyes so different than the other?
G’raha: I mean, heterochromia is a thing…
P. Meepel: Heterochromia doesn’t have one eye look demonic with a glare that no doubt means something.
G’raha: ...it’s an Allagan Eye.  It’s special.  I’m sure it’s related to the tower somehow, and I was born with it.  Happy?
P. Meepel: Works for me!
Temartu: I want to know more.
G’raha: Well, you’re not getting anything more!
Temartu: I tried.
Cid: In any event, I have finished the fangs! Let’s go test them out!
P. Meepel: Wait, when did you finish them? I just gave them to you.
Cid: While you were busy talking to your brother and G’raha?
W. Meepel: That still fast…
Cid: So as I said, let’s test them out!

*at the barriers*
Cid: So, we need to use the respective horns on the respective barriers.
P. Meepel: Ok, so who is going to do it? Is it going to be me?
Cid: No, I made it, I should be the one to test it!
P. Meepel: ...how noble of you...wait what’s the penalty for failure?
Biggs: Complete and utter death!
W. Meepel: How you know this?
*Biggs points to bones of a dead Lalafell who drunkingly walked into it on a dare*
Temartu: That’s sad…
Wh. Meepel: And I thought I smelled some fried potatoes ^_^
P. Meepel: ...and THAT’s terrible…and morbid…wait, don’t tell me that Lalafell was…
Wedge: Was who!?
P. Meepel: ...oh, Wedge...you’re right there...I thought...nevermind...
Cid: So...I guess it’s now or never!
*Cid does all 4 barriers without a hitch, no problem*
P. Meepel: That was fairly anticlimactic…
Cid: Ah, and now we  shall scout the next part!  G’raha, what do you know about this?
G’raha: Well, to get to the Tower, we need to get through the LABYRINTH OF THE ANCIENTS. 
Cid: Ah, good, Biggs and Wedge shall investigate!
Biggs: On it!
Wedge: Alright!
*Biggs throws Wedge into the Labyrinth, who proceeds to run chased by a few monsters*
P. Meepel: Temartu?
Temartu: Yes?
P. Meepel: I think we need to help him, you can still fight right?
Temartu: Yes.
W. Meepel: We SMASH puny demons!
*the Lardos siblings save Wedge*
Cid: Ah, so it’s infested with monsters and various Voidsent!
P. Meepel: I question why you sent both of them in there when I’m standing right here…
Cid: You’re right! Meepel, go in there and investigate, and clear the path so we can get to the Crystal Tower!
P. Meepel: Alright, but I’m going to need a crew.  I don’t think me and Temartu are going to be enough…
Temartu: Who said I was going?
P. Meepel: I did.
Temartu: Ok.
W. Meepel: But where we find enough adventurers to help?
Biggs: Ah! I heard the GAUKEN ACADEMY was having a field trip in Mor Dhona! They’re a school of nothing but Adventurers!
Wedge: Yes, and their slogan is “We’re Just Good Enough To Do the Job! ...and NOTHING MORE!”
P. Meepel: ...that doesn’t sound quite as promising as I’d hoped, but I guess I don’t really have a better choice right now do I?  Where can I find them?
Biggs: They should be in Revenants Toll!

*one trip back to Revenants Toll later, Meepel finds a group of 4 people wearing red uniforms*
P. Meepel: So...are you members of this...Gauken Academy?
Elezen Female: YES! SHE NOTICED! But I don’t think she’ll do…
Excited Male Lalafell: OH BOY! I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY
Hrothgar Monk: My fists are listening!
Dark Skinned Xaela: *holds up a sign of a moogle saying “Hi”*
P. Meepel: O...k...so I might as well cut to the chase.  I need a few adventurers to help me investigate the Crystal Tower.  I hear you are a bunch of adventurers, can you help me?
Elezen Female: Why yes! I’m sure if I do this, eventually my senpai will show up and he will notice me!
Excited Male Lalafell: And we can get extra credit for helping out !
Hrothgar Monk: MY FIST AGREES!
Dark Skinned Xaela: *picture of Kain saying “Leave it to me”*
P. Meepel: Ok, so...do you have names?
Female Elezan: My name is Yauinne Orionox!
Excited Male Lalafell: Jared Mentugan! I’m so happy to help !
Hrothgar Monk: My fists are telling you my name is Mister Fisticuffs, but my fists suggest you call me Fisty for short!  Also my fists are telling you that her name is Altun Dotharl!
Altun: *sign of Tidus saying “This is my story!”*
P. Meepel: Can you...talk normally?
Altun: *Picture of Moogle saying “Sorry…”*
W. Meepel: Me hope she fight better than talk…
P. Meepel: Agreed. 
Jared: Wow! They completely insulted you there !
Altun: *Moogle going “!?”*
P. Meepel: You seem awfully cheerful for someone just had their friend insulted by a stranger…
Jared: And it was a great insult indeed !
P. Meepel: I think you have problems…
Jared: Problems!? That makes me happy !
P. Meepel: Do you...understand...the concepts of anger? Sadness?
Jared: Are those food? Can I eat them ?
Wh. Meepel: That means he probably doesn’t understand pain and suffering ;_;
Fisty: My fists are letting you know that everything makes Jared happy and that it is a losing battle to make him upset!
P. Meepel: ...you heard him, White Mage…
Wh. Meepel: *undoes the casting of a giant boulder* Awwww ;_;
W. Meepel: Me think we go with them.  Any better ideas?
P. Meepel: I dunno, what do you think Temartu.
Temartu: Maybe?
P. Meepel: ...why do I even...you know what, screw it, you four are hired.
Yaiunne: Yes, and maybe my senpai will notice me!
Jared: We’ll have lots of fun together !
Fisty: My fists agree!
Altun: *Picture of Locke saying “Yahoo!”*
P. Meepel: Well, that’s a few people down, still need more...guess we’ll do it the old fashioned way!
W. Meepel: What old fashioned way?
P. Meepel: PARTY FINDER!


*Meepel puts up a Party Finder for Labyrinth of Ancients labelled “Warrior of Light needs assistance  First Time Clear. Please know mechanics! NO SALT!!!”*

W. Meepel: How long this take?
P. Meepel: I dunno. Varies. Sometimes it fills up instantly, other times it can take all night…
W. Meepel: Me miss duty finder tank queues…
Wh. Meepel: And Healer queues ;_;

*Leonardo Magnus joins party*
P. Meepel: Well, there’s someone!  Care to introduce yourself…
Leonardo: ...you already know my name…
P. Meepel: It’s a formality, ok? Makes it less awkward!
Leonardo: Alright, I am Leonardo Magnus! I am learned in the ways of conjury and am one with nature! As a result, I have adapted to my most naturist ways of life!
W. Meepel: Why not naked?
Leonardo: Well, I have SOME understanding of social graces, so I decided to compromise and dress only in my small clothes!  It also shows off my perfectly fine tuned healthy physique, observe! *flexes*
P. Meepel: Yes, that’s...quite impressive…I guess…
Temartu: I can do the same if I wanted too…
P. Meepel: Well do you want to?
Temartu: Not really…
P. Meepel: Why even bring it up then?
Temartu: I dunno.
Yaiunne: ...nope, he won’t do, not my senpai!
Leonardo: But my physique is not why I am here! The real reason is because I understand you need a healer for the LABYRINTH OF THE ANCIENTS!
P. Meepel: Yes, yes we do, and given you mentioned conjury I presu-...
Leonardo: WELL FEAR NO FURTHER! I, LEONARDO MAGNUS, CONJURING WHITE MAGE EXTRAORDINAIRE, shall assist you!  Nature shall guide my mighty staff of sheer conjuring to assist you in victory.
W. Meepel: ...Paladin, no push the kick button…
P. Meepel: Hey, I was only THINKING about it!
Temartu: We still need an 8th person…
P. Meepel: You’re right...hey I got an idea!

*selects random shirtless green-haired Mi’qote male on the side with a “Needs Meld” icon, and invites to Party*
*Lenny Foreman joins the party*

W. Meepel: ...That actually work?
P. Meepel: Apparently!  I’m surprised he said yes…
Lenny:  Thanks for the invite.  What do you need me to do?
P. Meepel: Be an 8th person as we go after the Labyrinth of the Ancients, mostly.
Lenny: ...can I sit in the entrance and beg for money?
P. Meepel: ...I guess?
Lenny: Excellent, count me in!


*back at the camp*
P. Meepel: Got my team together!
Cid: Good, now go take care of those monsters!
P. Meepel: On it!  Though this seems ot have gone strangely smooth…
*From the distance a “Kweh!” is heard*
P. Meepel: SHUT UP, DUMPLIN!


*in the Labyrinth*
P. Meepel: So...this is the Labyrinth...can it really be called that?
W. Meepel: What you mean?
P. Meepel: Look at it! There’s 3 very clear pathes and they all have very blatant dead-ends.  I don’t think we could get lost here if we tried.
Yaiunne: Lost...like my senpai...who I have yet to find! Oh how tragic my life is!
Jared: Getting lost? I CAN’T WAIT !
Altun: *Holds up sign of Warrior of Light saying “Let’s Go!”*
Wh. Meepel: Let’s go west first ^_^!
P. Meepel: Why there?
Wh. Meepel: Because there’s more monsters there to beat up!
P. Meepel: ...normally I’d say that’d be a detriment, but I guess that’s literally the reason we’re here, so sure, that works!


*bunch of worthless mobs later*
Fisty: Aha! MY FISTS HAVE HELPED US IN OUR ENDEAVOURS!
P. Meepel: I mean...you’re not wrong…
Temartu: We still have a giant dragon…
P. Meepel: So we’ll kill it like anything else!
Temartu: Ok.
*The group kills the bone dragon*
W. Meepel: That too easy.
Wh. Meepel: I feel unsatisfied ;_;
P. Meepel: Why?
Wh. Meepel: Because it was already dead! Killing things that are already dead is not good ;_;
W. Meepel: Me think you like overkill…
Wh. Meepel: But it’s no fun when they can’t suffer ;_;
Temartu: The dragon is not dead though…
P. Meepel: I’m pretty it is.
Temartu: But it’s standing up right there.
P. Meepel: What are you tal-*Looks at the Dragon alive and well, despite having been killed* ...gods damn it…
Leonardo: Ah yes, the nature of the undead is such that killing them is merely an inconvenience!  We must channel natural energies to exploit this things foul weakness!
P. Meepel: Or we can just beat it up until it falls over again…
Leonardo: ...I suppose that works too…
*they kill the Bone Dragon AGAIN, bunch of skeletons and other monsters appear*

Altun: *Holds up Moogle sign saying “Attack!”*
Jared: Oh boy, we’re outnumbered! I love impossible odds !
Fisty: My fists tell us odds are never impossible, they are only...PUNCH!
*punches exactly ONE skeleton*
P. Meepel: ...I think we’re going to need a little more work than that…
Lenny: Melds please…
W. Meepel: Meepel SMASH annoying undead!
Temartu: Can I use Katon?
P. Meepel: Why wouldn’t you?
Temartu: I don’t know…
P. Meepel: If it kills them, I don’t care.
Temartu: Ok.
*mobs later*
P. Meepel: Ok, that’s done with, are we able to move on yet?
Altun: *Holds up sign of Kefka saying “Son of a Sub-!”*
P. Meepel: What’s wrong this time?
Altun: *Holds up sign of finger pointing behind Meepel, Dragon is up again*
Leonardo: Aha! It has risen again! I expected as such! The undead do not take death easily! Again, we must convene with nature to overtake this thing!
P. Meepel: Look, unless “nature” has something useful to say here, I’m not going to rely on it…
Leonardo: Well, that and I happen to know Bone Dragons need to die 3 times before they’re actually finished off…
W. Meepel: Why not say that before?
Leonardo: The spirits warned me not too!
*One more death of the Dragon later, it finally dead for good*
P. Meepel: Leonardo…
Leonardo: Yes, oh holy Warrior of Light!
P. Meepel: If you have something important to say about our opponent, PLEASE SPEAK UP NEXT TIME!
W. Meepel: Methink we move on…

*two mobs later and a completely forgettable boss where nothing goes wrong because it was that pathetic...no I have no respect for Thanatos*
P. Meepel: So our next opponent is a Behemoth...that doesn’t seem so bad…
Fisty: My fists are saying it is bigger than most Behemoths…
P. Meepel: I mean...your fists aren’t wrong here…
Yauinne: Maybe if I kill this thing, Senpai will finally reveal themselves to me!
P. Meepel: If you don’t even know who your Senpai is, how can know of your exploits?
Yauinne: I can dream, ok ;_;!?
Leonardo: Hark! It is a giant beast of great peril and evil! One that has become one with space and rocks that come from it! We should prepare for the oncoming storm!
P. Meepel: What in the twelves name are you talking about?

*Paladin sees the King Behemoth*
P. Meepel: ...well I guess that answers that question…
Jared: Oh boy! A Behemoth! I love fighting those !
Temartu: It’s big and looks strong.  Should we fight it?
W. Meepel: We have choice?
Temartu: We could walk away…
W. Meepel: Me think you not walk…
Temartu: I guess not…
Altun: *holds picture of bunny moogle with egg saying “Happy Hunting”*
P. Meepel: *sigh* Let’s just get this over with…

*fight starts, explosions and things happen*
P. Meepel: Before I acknowledge how this fight isn’t that bad, Leonardo, please tell me what part of this we are likely missing?
Leonardo: The elements of the tower suggest that there are other beasts that assist this!
Fisty: My fists are ready to punch some Iron Giants!
P. Meepel: That is an awfully specific thing to point out.  Pray tell why you mentioned them specifically?
Fisty: Because my fists see the Iron Giants appearing right before us!
P. Meepel: Huh? *looks up, sees Iron Giants* ...how do I keep missing these giant things?
Altun: *holds picture of Squall saying “Good going”*
P. Meepel: ...was that...sarcasm?
Altun: *picture of Kuja saying “Bravo!”*
P. Meepel: …let’s just kill these things…
*fight continues, Behemoth starts to cast Ecliptic Meteor*
Wh. Meepel: Oh look! It’s summoning a big meteor! Lots of things are going to be hurt and suffering from that ^_^!
P. Meepel: While I don’t disagree with that prediction, I would rather NOT be one of the things hurt by that…
Fisty: My fists are unsure of what to do! PERHAPS PUNCHING SHALL SOLVE IT!
*Fisty punches the Behemoth, it keeps casting*
Fisty: My fists are out of ideas…
Leonardo: Perhaps the earth itself can protect us from such a thing!
P. Meepel: NOW’S NOT THE TIME TO BE SPIRITUAL!
Yauinne: How about space rocks?!
P. Meepel: That’s even more-...*looks at all the meteors on the ground, and Altun running behind one of them*
Altun: *holds up a picture of Squall saying “Stay close to me!”*
W. Meepel: Me think that good idea…
P. Meepel: I concur! GET BEHIND THE ROCK NOW EVERYONE!
*everyone but Fisty gets behind the rock*
Fisty: MY FISTS DO NOT HIDE FROM ANYTHING! TOGETHER WE SHALL FIGHT THE VILE SPELL!!!

*Ecliptic Meteor comes down, Fisty explodes, the team survives*’
Altun: *looks at Fisty, holds up sign of Emperor saying “You are unworthy”*
P. Meepel: Well MOST of us survived, the question is what do we do from here?
Jared: Ooh! Explosions! That looked fun! Especially the part where Fisty exploded!  I want to do that too !
P. Meepel: You WANT to explode in a violent meteor death?
Jared: It’ll be so much fun doing that on my own! Watch !
*Jared uses the Starstorm limit break, dropping meteors on the Behemoth, killing it*
Jared: See!? LOTS OF FUN !
P. Meepel: ...while I don’t share the enthusiasm of the...explosions...I do not at all object to the outcome!  Anyway, let’s move on!

*at the top of the Labyrinth*
Acheron: HARK! I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THE CRYSTAL TOWER! YE WHO WISH TO PASS MUST CHALLENGE ME AND MY MIGHT BLADES OF-...
*Fisty punches him in the face*
Acheron: OW!? WHO DARES DISRESPECTS THE ACHER-...
*Fisty punches him again*
Acheron: Stop that!
Fisty: My fists are bored of listening! My fists only wish to fight!
P. Meepel: Your fists also got you killed in a violent meteor death just before, and you were lucky Leonardo revived you because White Mage sure as hell wouldn’t…
Fisty: My fists and I will have a talk about that later!
Wh. Meepel: He was such a nice looking corpse too ;_;
Acheron: Bah! BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE ANCIENT FLARE!
Altun: *holds picture of Moogle saying “Advice Please?”*
Leonardo: To the buttons! We shall create a barrier with those buttons!
P. Meepel: Why are there buttons that create a barrier in an area that feels specifically designed to...you know what, not worth it.
*They create the barrier, Ancient Flare kills Lenny who was busy counting his 3 Materia*
Acheron: GET THEM MY MINIONS!
*An Iron Giant appears*
Jared: Hi Iron Giant !
*Iron Giant dies in like 20 seconds*
Yauinne: Bye Iron Giant!
Acheron: YOU DEFEATED MY MIGHTY WARRIORS AND AVOIDED MY MAGIC?! HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT!?
P. Meepel: ...you literally had buttons that put a barrier up that protected us in this very room. This is probably the single worst battlefield you could have chosen.
Acheron: DON’T YOU QUESTION MY CHOICES!
W. Meepel: Me head hurt, me angry, ME SMASH PUNY GIANT MAN!!!
P. Meepel: Isn’t that a little…
*Warrior applies axe to the face of Acheron, killing him*
P. Meepel: ...you know, given the outcome I’m just going to ignore the contradictory statement…
W. Meepel: We win, what next?
Temartu: Let’s tell Cid we finished our job.
P. Meepel: Eh, nothing better to do, that works.
Jared: Oh boy! Monotonous field reporting! I can’t wait !

*back at the camp*
Cid: So you defeated all the enemies in the tower?
P. Meepel: In some form or other.  Lives were lost along the way…
Fisty: Yes, MY FISTS GRIEVE FOR THE LOST LIVES!
Temartu: You were one of the ones who died…
Fisty: MY FISTS INFORM ME THAT IS IRRELEVANT!
G’raha: So...did you do anything about the giant door there?
P. Meepel: ...there was a giant door?
G’raha: Yes, a giant door that the allagans placed before the Crystal Tower!
P. Meepel: ...did any of you guys notice it?
W. Meepel: Me not see it…
Wh. Meepel: I was too focused on all the corpses ^_^
Fisty: MY FISTS SAW NOTHING!
Leonardo: Well, I was in a natural state of attunement, chiseling my perfect physique that...ok, fine, I saw nothing…
Lenny: ...meld’s please...
Jared: I saw it! I was so happy to see a giant door !
P. Meepel: Why didn’t you tell us sooner!?
Jared: I was so happy, I was speechless !
Temartu: That doesn’t make sense…
P. Meepel: Since when do you care about things making sense?
Temartu: I don’t know, just stating a fact..
Yauinne: I just couldn’t stop thinking about when my senpai will show...
Hyur Male: Did someone say GIANT DOOR in the Labyrinth of the Ancients?
G’raha: Well, we were talking about the GIANT DOOR in the Labyrinth of the Ancients, but I don’t think any of us used those specific words...does that count as saying it?
Cid: You know, now that I think about it, that’s a good question…
P. Meepel: ...we’re not seriously getting philosophical on taking a line literally now are we?
G’raha: TRY ME!
P. Meepel: I’d rather not...
Hyur Male: I’ll take that as a yes…
Hyur Female: Oh good, we finally found it! The way to the crystal tower!
Yauinne: …*staring at the Hyur Female*
Hyur Female: Did I say something wrong?
Yauinne: OH MY GOD SHE’S SO AWESOME!!!! IT’S MY SENPAI! SENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAI!!!!
P. Meepel: Can someone please…
*White Mage Meepel Reposes Yauinne*
P. Meepel: ...thanks, White Mage…
Wh. Meepel: She got off light ^_^
Temartu: We still don’t know their names…
Hyur Male: ...was wondering when someone would ask that…
Hyur Female: I was wondering if they even noticed us…
Temartu: You still didn’t tell us your names.
Hyur Male: Apologies.  I am Doga!
Hyur Female: And I am Unei! We’re both researchers and historians of the Crystal Tower.
G’raha: Ah! Excellent! Just what we need! People who know stuff!
Doga: So you’ve been working on the Crystal Tower?
Cid: Yes, and now we have just heard of a door, is there something we should know about it?
Unei: Well, we were wondering if we could research it alongside you in hopes to open a way to it!
Altun: *picture of Sazh saying “Whoa, that’s great!”*
Doga: So let us all work on this door!


*sometime later, after Cid has studied the door*
P. Meepel: So...Cid...what have you learned about this door?
Cid: Well, I tried various means of opening it! Ranging from pushing to pulling to Magitek Cannons to having Wedge sit there with a chizel for 20 hours straight hoping to make progress!
P. Meepel: ...wait, why’d you have Wedge do that? Somehow I don’t…*Echo moment*

Cid: Ok, anyone have any better ideas?
Biggs: I know! We could try to chizel it out!
Cid: I don’t think that’ll work…
Wedge: Oh! I’m on it! *does exactly that, skip 20 hours later* Boss, I don’t think it’s working!
Cid: I”VE BEEN TELLING YOU THIS FOR NEARLY AN ENTIRE DAY!
*End Echo moment*

Cid: ...Echo?
P. Meepel: Yeah...and I still somehow don’t believe that’s what actually happened…
Cid: In any event, it is my conclusion that brute force and conventional means won’t open it!
G’raha: If only we had some kind of person from Allagan descent related to the royal family that could conveniently open this thing…
Doga: ...say, that gives me an idea!
Unei: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Doga: I dunno, but I’m going to put my hand on this door anyway!
Unei: Good, so will I!

*Door opens*
P. Meepel: ...I think explanations are in order…
Doga: It’s...complicated...
Unei: Look, you’ll just have to trust us.  We’re on your side!
Familiar Voice: THEY’RE TOTALLY ALLAGAN DESCENDANTS AND THEY’VE BEEN DECEIVING YOU THIS ENTIRE TIME! MWAHHAHAHAH!
P. Meepel: Oh, hi Nero, was wondering where you had run off to..
Nero: YES MY PLA-...wait, you aren’t at all surprised to see me, Warrior of Light?
P. Meepel: No, not really.  Our last encounter involved you admitting defeat, and you had plenty of time to leave the Praetorium…
W. Meepel: Plus you person that not have honor, care only about self.
Nero: ...touche...BUT NONE OF THAT IS RELEVANT! What matters is THOSE TWO are Allagan Descendents and they’ve been deceiving you!
Cid: Ok, give me one good reason to trust you on this?
Doga: Because he’s technically correct…
Unei: And by technically, we mean he’s pretty much spot on.
P. Meepel: And why didn’t you tell us this sooner?
Doga: To be fair, we’ve known you and TEAM NOAH for maybe a week tops…
P. Meepel: Team...NOAH?
Unei: Oh, right, we named this group Team NOAH, after the great Archsage that is intrinsically tied with the Tower.  Forgot to tell you that I guess…
P. Meepel: I feel like there’s a lot of things you’re forgetting to tell me…
Nero: YES! AND THEY ALSO ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO RELEASE XANDE!  THE EVIL EMPEROR OF ALLAG!
P. Meepel: Wait, whose this Xande guy? I never heard of him.
Doga: He’s evil.  He’s bad.  And he’s probably royally pissed off too...no pun intended…
G’raha: Wait, you spoke of him in present tense…
Unei: Yes, he’s alive and waiting for us, opening this door will let us collectively stop him!
P. Meepel: If he’s an Allagan Emperor, shouldn’t he long since have died…
Doga: No? I mean...not everyone dies when they get old!
P. Meepel: No, I’m...pretty sure they in-fact do…
W. Meepel: What if Ascian?
P. Meepel: ASCIANS DON’T COUNT AS PEOPLE!
W. Meepel: Me think that racist, but me agree.
Jared: OH BOY! WE GET TO MEET AN AGELESS EMPEROR! SOUNDS FUN !
Altun: *picture of Vivi saying “Wow!”*
Nero: Is anyone listening to me!? They’re clearly bad guys! TRUST ME!
Cid: ...why would we trust you over them?  They’ve been helping us research the Crystal Tower, while you’ve been essentially my sworn enemy for the better part of the past 5 years.
Nero: ...yes, well, for sake of convenience, please ignore that.
Cid: No, I think I’m going to remember that. 
Nero: Anyway, let me assist you in this expedition! YOU KNOW YOU NEED MY MAD GENIUS!
P. Meepel: ...can I ask one simple question?
Cid: Shoot.
P. Meepel: Can we just get a CLEAR ANSWER about who Doga and Unei are?
Doga: Well...we’re kind of...his children...sort of…
Unei: I guess clones of them is more accurate…
P. Meepel: ...ok, let’s just end it there and go with that.

*Yauinne barges in from nowhere*
Yauinne: Oh my god! Senpai is Allagan Royalty! That’s SO AWESOME!!!! I must have some of that Allagan hair! GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMM-
*Lenny pushes Yauinne out of the way*
Lenny: I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY!
P. Meepel: OH, what is it?
Lenny: ...I got a weapon melded with grade 1 materia…
Nero: Alas, it seems we must investigate this dungeon, and take out the problem at it’s source!  First Amon, the Emperor’s Right hand man, and then the Emperor itself!
Doga: You seem learned about this stuff…
Nero: I took a course in Allagan History in Garlemald University.
Unei: Seems legit.
P. Meepel: ANYWAY...I guess I should take my crew in there and investigate problems?
Cid: What makes you think I was going to ask you?
P. Meepel: *Glares at Cid*
W. Meepel: *Glares at Cid*
Wh. Meepel: ^_^ *cracks knuckles, glaring at Cid*
Cid: ...ok, fine, I was going to ask you.  Can you deal with this please?
P. Meepel: I guess.  Not doing anything better right now anyway…
Fisty: MY FISTS ARE READY TO INVESTIGATE!
W. Meepel: How fists investigate?
Fisty: BY PUNCHING!
P. Meepel: ...were you expecting any other kind of answer?
W. Meepel: Me got hopes up…

CONTINUED IN NEXT POST!

[Meeplelard]

Interlude II B-2 mk Beta: A Crystal Clear View of Darkness

*Cue the iconic Syrcus Tower theme*
Temartu: Anyone have any idea where to go?
Leonardo: Ah, the Spirits are telling me we should...HEAD UP!
Temartu: That is the only way we can go I guess…
P. Meepel: Yeah, “up” sounds good.  Let’s get to it!
*one mob fight later, team comes up against a multi-headed dog-serpent monster hybrid
Leonardo: Ah yes, the abomination that is Scylla!
Altun: *Holds up a picture of Rem saying “Wow…”*
P. Meepel: What can you tell us about this thing?
Leonardo: Ah, well you...this thing is an unnatural abomination of nature, therefore I refused to learn anything about it!
P. Meepel: Great, a lot of help you are..
Fisty: My fists are telling me we should punch it!
W. Meepel: You not wrong…
*Scylla starts creating orbs and staves*
P. Meepel: ...this looks like it could be some work…
Jared: Oh boy! Look at all the glowing colors! I bet they explode and freeze us! I CAN’T WAIT !
P. Meepel: We should probably figure out what to do instead of what not to do…
Lenny: I know what to do!
*runs up to Scylla*
Lenny: Melds please…
*Scylla blows Lenny up*
P. Meepel: ...as I was saying...let’s figure out what the right thing to do is and NOT by dying horribly…which means we should be careful about thi-...
Wh. Meepel: HOLY ^_^!!!!
*massive explosion from Holy, Scylla dies*
Altun: *picture of Kuja saying “So beautiful…”*
Temartu: I think we won…
Fisty: MY FISTS ARE THANKFUL!
W. Meepel: We head up now…

*some mobs later*
Glasya Labolas: HARK! THE ENEMY COME FORTHWITH! YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME!? THE GREAT GLASYA LABOLAS!
P. Meepel: Why do so many of these people feel the need to shout and proclaim they’re greatness when 5 minutes later I’m going to forget them anyway?
W. Meepel: Me wonder if we ask him to move…
Temartu: I’ll try.  Can we not fight?
Glasya Labolas: I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE SUCH A REQUEST! WE MUST BATTLE FORTHWITH! MY MUSCLES AND ABSOLUTE MIGHT KNOWS NO BOUNDS!
*flexes to intimidate*
Leonardo: Ah, you have indeed great muscles, but then, so do I! They don’t call me the BEEF CONJURER for nothing!
P. Meepel: Wait, that’s what people call you!?
Leonardo: THEY SOON WILL!
*Leonardo flexes*
Glasya Labolas: AHA! YOU ARE INDEED IMPRESSIVE! BUT YOU CANNOT MATCH ME IN A CONTEST OF SHEAR MANLINESS!!!!
Leonardo: I beg to differ!
*the two start combating in a manly off*
P. Meepel: The hell are watching?
Temartu: Manly contest.
P. Meepel: I know, that was a rhetorical question…
Temartu: Then why did you ask it?
P. Meepel: ...just shut up, little brother…
Temartu: Ok.
Glasya Labolas: You keep up well, but behold my next attack...MY TRUE FORM!
*throws off armor and cloth, stands there nude*
Leonardo: Yes! I WILL REVEAL MY NATURAL STATE AS WELL!
*Leonardo strips naked and flexes more*
Yauinne: ...neither are as sexy as my senpai *sigh of fantasizing*
Fisty: My fists wish to join!
Jared: Looks fun! I want in too !
P. Meepel: NO! NO YOU DON’T! Last thing I need is a nude Hrothgar and Lalafell!
W. Meepel: This taking long time…
Wh. Meepel: I know! I just want to kill something ;_;
P. Meepel: Patience, we can’t just att-...wait, WHY AREN’T we-...hey everyone! Attack him while he’s distracted in this display of...manliness...NOW!
*The team kills Glasya Labolas while he’s too distracted in his manliness contest with Leonardo*
Leonardo: AHA! I AM ALIVE WHILE YOU ARE NOT! VICTORY BY DEFAULT!
P. Meepel: Yes, and now PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON and we shall never speak of this again.  And I hope I never see this with someone else, be it Hrothgar, Lalafell, or a strangely obsessed Mi’qote…

*Meanwhile, someone completely far away*
Asher: *sneezes*

*back with TEAM NOAH, they ascend to Amon’s floor*
Amon: Ah, so the invaders have arrived.  COME! LET US DANCE THE FINAL CHORUS!
P. Meepel: Final...chorus? I don’t think you actually are getting those terms right…
Amon: We shall battle atop the prelude of your despair!
Fisty: My fists are confused by his words…
Jared: But trying to figure out what he means makes me so happy !
Altun: *holds up picture of Ex-death saying “The Laws of the Universe Mean Nothing”*
P. Meepel: ...where did THAT come from?
Altun: *holds up picture of Moogle saying “Sorry…”*
Amon: This fortissimo within the battle shall be the grand finale of your undoing!
Temartu: I don’t think he understands what those words actually mean…
Leonardo: Do you know what they mean?
Temartu: Not really…
Amon: The metronome of this confrontation shall lead to an overture of destruction!
P. Meepel: ...can you tell me what that means in laymans terms?
Amon: ...I’m going to summon a bunch of snakes, ghosts and slimes on you.
P. Meepel: Ah, ok, THAT makes sense! Was that so hard?
Amon: The pianoforte of your brain cannot comprehend the masterpiece of this recital!
Wh. Meepel: Can we kill him already ^_^?
P. Meepel: Honestly, I think that’s probably the best idea…
*fight ensues, slimes getting killed, shrinking involved, Snakes appear trying to eat Jared...no, he’s not turned into a frog, Lenny panicking melds*
Yauinne: Oh! I can learn music from him! HE CAN TEACH ME HOW TO WIN SENPAI OVER! PLEASE TEACH ME SENSEI AMON FOR MY SENPAI!
Amon: The adagio of your soprano voice is too discordant to follow the great conducting talents such as my own!
Yauinne: But Senpai!
Amon: And now, THE CURTAIN CALL!
Yauinne: NO! I must learn for Senpai! SENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAI!!!!
*Amon freezes Yauinne in a block of ice*
Leonardo: Ah, yes, the Curtain Call! A grand finale of despair indeed for Yaiunne!
P. Meepel: ...ah crap, it’s contagious…
Leonardo: ...what? I assumed it was an attack name and I thought I would try my hand at it…
Temartu: That was anticlimactic though…
W. Meepel: Me think he charging big spell now…
P. Meepel: What makes you say-...*sees Amon going into an elaborate orchestra pose with music notes flying about* ...ah feces…
Jared: OH BOY! THIS LOOKS LIKE FINE! CAN I JOIN IN !?!?!
Lenny: I think we need coverage.  That way I can hide when I meld!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, let’s do what we did with the Behemoth and run behind that huge block of ice that use to be Yauinne!
*everyone runs behind it...well, no, Jared doesn’t run because he’s too happy watching the show, he has to be rescued by one of the healers, but same difference*
Amon: Aha! Well done! YOU HAVE PASSED THE GRAND METRONOME OF MY NOCTURNE!  BUT NOW FOR THE ENCORE OF MY ANGUISH!
P. Meepel: I think that means we survived the attack...we still have to find some way to kill him don’t w-...
Temartu: Blade Dance.
*Limit Breaks on Amon killing him in the most generic and boring way possible*
Altun: *sign with Rem saying “You’re the best!”*

P. Meepel: Why didn’t you do that before?
Temartu: I dunno.
P. Meepel: Figured.
Jared: Hey, Yauinne is still ice! She must be so happy to encased in that! I can’t wait to chisel her out !
W. Meepel: How we get her out? We not have black mage…
Altun: *sign of moogle saying “Please Wait”*
*ice starts melting, and as it melts the sound of “Senpai” can be heard getting louder and louder*
Yauinne: SENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAISENPAI!!!!
P. Meepel: Did she...melt the ice entirely by pure enthusiasm over Unei?
Temartu: I guess?
Leonardo: Ah yes! THE TRUE WARMTH OF HER LOVE GOT HER OUT OF THAT BLOCK OF ICE! SUCH IS PHYSICS IN ITS MOST NATURAL FORM! IS THERE ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN WHAT WE JUST EXPERIENCED?!
Lenny: ...melds please...
P. Meepel: Yeah, I agree with Lenny on this one…
W. Meepel: But he not say anything…
P. Meepel: EXACTLY!
Fisty: My fists are telling me that the true opponent is still to come! LET US PUNCH FORWARD!

*they reach the top of the tower, Xande is sitting there*
Xande: Finally, it is my time to shine! I SHALL NOT BE IGNORED AGAIN!
P. Meepel: I mean...if didn’t want to be ignored, why were you sitting atop a giant tower by yourself, behind sealed doors that required 2 clones of your children to open?
Xande: SILENCE! Do not question me, Xande, EMPEROR OF THE ALLAGAN EMPIRE!
P. Meepel: You do realize the Allagan Empire has been gone for several hundre-....
Xande: DO NOT MOCK ME! YOU SHALL SUFFER MY WRATH!
Fisty: Aha, my fists have been yearning for this! BEHOLD THE POWER OF PUNCH!
*punches Xande in the face, Xande counters with an Burning Rave*
Fisty: Alas! He too has mastered the art of THE FIST! My fists have met their match! *falls unconscious*
Temartu: He probably should have thought that through…
W. Meepel: But he have fist for brain…how he think?
Temartu: Not sure.
Xande: I SHALL SUNDER THE GROUND BELOW YOU! BEHOLD THE POWER OF ANCIENT QUAGA!
Jared: Oh boy! A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE !
Leonardo: The spirits are telling me that we should RISE ABOVE ALL to avoid this!
P. Meepel: Can you please speak in something sensible for once?
Leonardo: But I was speaking completely literally there…*points to blue anti-gravity circles*
P. Meepel: ...well I’ll be a Manderville Man…
*non-dead members run onto circles, avoiding the quake*
Altun: *sign of Moogle saying “Attack!””
*fight ensues, Xande refuses to die*
P. Meepel: Ok, anyone have ideas?
Wh. Meepel: MURDER HIM DEAD ^_^!
P. Meepel: We’ve been trying that…
Jared: We’ll murder him harder then !
P. Meepel: Ignoring the one who agrees with any outcome…
Leonardo: Well, I need time to commune with the spirits to give us an ans-...
P. Meepel: Gods damn it, we don’t have time for your communing! Anyone else?
Lenny: I KNOW! I CAN SOLVE THIS PROBLEM!
P. Meepel: ...do I really want to know where this is…
*Lenny runs up to Xande*
Lenny: So...Emperor...melds please?
Xande: WHAT!?
Lenny: You’re the Emperor of Allag, can you meld for me?
Xande: Go away!
Lenny: Aww, but if you can’t who can?
Xande: LEAVE ME!
Lenny: But I’m desperate! Please meld!
Xande: Be gone, pest! Or I will crush you under my great might!
Lenny: Just one meld!?
Xande: LEAVE. ME. ALONE!
*Xande casts a Meteor targeting Lenny, who is standing right next to him*
P. Meepel: ...so White Mage…
Wh. Meepel: Yes ^_^?
P. Meepel: What happens when you try to cast a big powerful spell at close proximity to yourself without actually concentrating properly out of shear emotion?
Wh. Meepel: Oh, complete and absolute annihilation of the caster and his target ^_^!
P. Meepel: ...yeah, I think I’ll just let these events play out…
*Xande finishes casting Meteor, blows up Lenny, gets caught in his own blast killing himself as well in an embarrassing way*
Altun: *holds up sign of Y’shtola saying “This is farcical…”*
P. Meepel: Yeah I agre-...wait, WHY DO YOU HAVE A SIGN OF Y’SHTOLA!?
Jared: Oh boy! We did it! The world is saved !
P. Meepel: I don’t think the world was really in danger, but sure, we’ll take the win.

*team NOAH gets up there*
Cid: Ah, excellent, Xande is beaten, I guess we can now investigate the tower in its fullest for the sake of research.
Doga: Indeed.  No more Allagan threat.
Unei: And there is no one around to harness this power for EVIL either.  All is right!
Nero: Yeah, about that...SUPREME POWER IS MINE! AHAHAHAH!
Cid: ... I should have seen this coming…
W. Meepel: Me wonder if remember me right here…
Wh. Meepel: Ooooh! Since he’s a bad guy, can we murder him!?
Nero: NOTHING WILL STAND BETWEEN ME AND THIS POWER! NOTHING!!!
??: Ah, the balance of Light and Darkness has been ruptured, NOW WE COME FORTH!
Nero: As I said, NOTHIN-...wait, who are you?
??: We are the Cloud of Darkness, and you shall serve as a veritable thrall to us!
*Nero gets sucked into a void, screaming for dear life like a girl*
P. Meepel: ...I’m not the only one who noticed there was literally one voice and one image in that void, questioning the usage of the term “We”, right?
G’raha: Says the person who is physically identical to her “sisters”.
P. Meepel: ...touche…
Doga: So it does exist...the ancient scourge from the Void itself.  The evil supreme being over other voidsent...THE CLOUD OF DARKNESS!
Unei: I thought it was a myth, but we have proof it existed right here…
Temartu: Can you explain? I’m confused.
P. Meepel: I concur with my brother on this one…
Yaiunne: OMG! SENPAI IS GOING TO TELL US A STORY! PLEASE TEACH ME SENPAI!!!!!
Altun: *picture of Squall saying “Good Going”*
Doga: So...basically, the thing that caused one of the Calamities was the Cloud of Darkness.  The Emperor that we just killed…
P. Meepel: Technically, he killed himself out of shear frustration but we can overlook that…
Doga: ...yes, but anyway, he once made a pact with that being.  IT’s kind of what made him go insane.
Unei: He’s also the one who sent Bahamut into Dalamud.  The idea was using the primals power to rip open a gate large enough to summon the Cloud of Darkness from the Void to our own world.  Just between his own insanity and how not well thought out this plan was, things kind of didn’t work out and it basically led to the destruction of the Allagan Empire.
G’raha: And the Crystal Tower I take it was formed and buried from this, until recently when we excavated the ENTIRE THING. 
Unei: Pretty much.
P. Meepel: Alright, so the Cloud of Darkness is a bad thing.  Glad it can’t come here and all we lost was Nero and...Cid, why are you looking at me like that?
Cid: You do realize that if the Cloud of Darkness can grab Nero and use him as a thrall, there’s a very realistic possibility a gate is opening and it could come through right?
P. Meepel: ...twelve damn it…
Doga: It should be possible to defeat the Cloud of Darkness in the WORLD OF DARKNESS, where it resides.
Unei: Given it’s abstract nature, according to our research, killing it should not be possible, but defeating it should be do-able, incapacitating it to a point where it should no longer be threatening in the near future…
W. Meepel: What “near future”?
Unei: I dunno...a few hundred years? Maybe a millenium?
Yaiunne: Oooh! Let’s do it! Then I can spend all my time with senpai, yes! SENPAI!!!
Cid: Well, since you’re an expert at doing this, you want to go save the world?*
NOTE: Cid actually says this line in game, or something to that effect. 
P. Meepel: I guess I don’t really have a choice.  Alright, before I go, let’s do a quick role call.  Is my boring little brother here?
Temartu: Probably.
P. Meepel: Good.  Gauken Academy members here for extra credit?
Jared: Here!
Yauinne: SENPAI PLEASE NOTICE ME!!!
Fisty: MY FISTS ARE TELLING YOU THEY ARE PRESENT!
Altun: *picture of Zidane saying “Let’s do this!”*
P. Meepel: Excellent.  Leonardo Magnus, are you here and properly dressed?
Leonardo: It feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! ...but I do have my underwear on, does that count?
P. Meepel: Probably the best I’ll get from you.  And Lenny, how are you doing?
Lenny: Will there be meld?
P. Meepel: Sure.  Alright everyone, TO THE WORLD OF DARKNESS TO SAVE THE WORLD!
Cid: ...and Nero…
P. Meepel: Can I leave him for dead, please?
Cid: *gives Meepel the look*
P. Meepel: Ok, fine, AND save Nero.


*in the World of Darkness, cue the classic FF3 Final Dungeon music*
P. Meepel: Wow, it sure is very...dark here…
W. Meepel: It called world of darkness for reason…
P. Meepel: You do realize I was ABOUT to say “No wonder it’s called the World of Darkness”
W. Meepel: Me still point out obvious…
Leonardo: Ah yes, these monstrosities are nothing like the natural beings of Hydaelyn we have faced...which means my knowledge will be unhelpful to you, but I can still provide you with my MANLY HEALING!!!
Yauinne: If we save the world, Senpai will finally notice me! YES!!!!
Jared: Oh boy! I can barely see anything! Being nearly blind is so much fun !
Fisty: My fists are telling me we should advance to the first enemy!
P. Meepel: Yeah, let’s get that over with…

*enter room, giant flying eyeball named Angra Manyu appears*
Angra Manyu: EYE SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE FOOLISH CREATURES OF LIGHT! YOU STAND BEFORE ME! A LORD OF DARKNESS! MY GREAT EYE SHALL DEFEAT YOU!
P. Meepel: ...no one has a stick large enough to poke that eye out, do they?  Also, "little eye?" It's almost as big as you are, and you're bigger than all of us combined!
Fisty: My fists are telling me that we lack such a thing.  The answer is clear: WE HAVE ONLY TO PUNCH!
Angra Manyu: AND MY EYE IS TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD!
Fisty: My fists do not understand what you-*Doom counter hits 0, Fisty dies*
P. Meepel: ...this could be problematic…
Temartu: Why is there a giant finger?
P. Meepel: What are you talk-*sees a finger flying around the room* ...we should probably NOT be near that…
Angra Manyu: Round and Round the pointer goes! Where it stops...who cares, you're going to die anyway!
Jared: Those hour glasses look so cool! I can’t wait to see what horrible things happen to us if we don’t stop them !
W. Meepel: Me think you be happier if stop them.
Jared: You’re right! It’ll be so much fun preventing them from hitting the end !

*Trainwreck of fight ensues, problems occur, Meepel on her last legs, everyone but Altun otherwise is down and/or out*
P. Meepel: Ok, things are looking bad, but we’re not out yet.  Altun, you have any ideas?
Altun: *holds up sign of Vaan saying “You know what? I’m through running!”*
P. Meepel: Good, but how are we going to...
Altun: *holds up picture of Setzer saying “I’m all in!”*
P. Meepel: What are you…
Altun: *holds up picture of Moogle saying “I got this!”*
Angra Manyu: EYE BELIEVE WE HAVE ANOTHER FOOLISH MORTAL WHO DARES THINK THEY CAN BEAT ME!?  HA! YOU WILL BE NOTHING LEFT BUT THE MEMOIRS OF YOUR FRIENDS!
Altun: *holds up picture of Sephiroth saying “I shall never be a memory!”*
Angra Manyu: You stand no chance against me!
Altun: *picture of Shantotto saying “That’s enough! Now let’s play rough!”* *picture of Vayne saying “Hell is to follow!”* *picture of Emperor saying “You are unworthy!”* *picture of Jecht saying “Let’s end this!”* *picture of Golbez saying “Take this, my final gift!”*
P. Meepel: Uh, Altun? Are you alrigh-...
*Altun drops a giant meteor on Angra Manyu, murdering it, holding up a sign of Kuja saying “Farewell…”*
P. Meepel: ...just how many of our problems in this tower are going to be caused or solved BY METEORS!?
Temartu: A lot.
P. Meepel: That was a rhetorical question…
Temartu: Oh.
Altun: *holds up picture of Ramza saying “Dispose of my comrades”*
P. Meepel: Wait what!? Are you turning on us!?
Altun: *holds up picture of Moogle saying “Sorry…”, followed by “My bad…”*
P. Meepel: ...I’m guessing that one was improperly written…
N. Meepel: *holds up sign saying “That happens from time to time!”*
P. Meepel: Where did you come from?
N. Meepel: *sign of “I’m a NInja, hiding is kind of my thing”*
P. Meepel: Good point…
Altun: *picture of Cloud saying “Not bad”*
N. Meepel: *sign saying “That was pretty impressive yourself.”
Altun: *picture of Squall saying “Thanks”*
N. Meepel: *sign saying “No problem.  We should go for a drink after this is done.”*
Altun: *picture of Aranea saying “Aw, thanks!”*
N. Meepel:*sign of “Well, I need to get going!”*
Altun: *picture of Vivi saying “See you!”*
P. Meepel: What did we just witness!?
Leonardo: Aha! So that is what the nature of conversation between two mutes looks like! THIS IS A REMARKABLE PHENOMENA!
Jared: I was so happy to witness that !
P. Meepel: ...let’s just...go deal with that army of voidsent right there…

*beating up a bunch of Voidsent a chest drops*
P. Meepel: ...something tells me that thing is a trap…
Temartu: I agree.
Yaiunne: Senpai warned me about that! There might be clones in there, and not clones of her like there were before! STAY AWAY FROM IT!
Jared: Skipping chests makes me ecastic !
Lenny: Treasure!? THERE MIGHT BE MELDS IN THERE!
P. Meepel: No! Lenny! There are no melds! I repeat! There are no melds in there!
Lenny: MELDS!!!!
*opens chest, Xande clone pops out*
Lenny: NO! MY MELDS HAVE BETRAYED ME!
Wh. Meepel: Well, they haven’t betrayed me! We get to kill something else ^_^!
*one worthless fight later, ending in some combination of Fisty punching, Jared throwing magic, and Leonardo flexing*
P. Meepel: Ok, so that’s done.  How bad can the next thing be?  Can’t be much worse than the Floating Eyeball we just killed...
Temartu: How about a giant 5 headed dragon of different elements?
P. Meepel: Ok, that would probably be worse, but there’s no way that’s our next enemy…

*opens door, huge 5 headed Dragon of different elements appears*
P. Meepel: ...Hydaelyn, why do you mock me so?
*one fight later, which somehow included someone shouting “Get on the Hydra’s back!”*
P. Meepel: Ok, we’ve killed a giant 5 Headed Dragon.  What’s next? A giant 3 headed dog monster!?
*Cerberus shows up*
P. Meepel: ..I should probably keep my mouth shut when it comes to these things…
Jared: Oh wow! A Dog with 3 heads! That looks like so much fun! Can we keep it ?
Altun: *holds up a picture of Terra saying “So fluffy…”*
P. Meepel: FLUFFY IS NOT THE WORD I’D USED TO DESCRIBE THAT THING!
Temartu: It's not inaccurate though…
P. Meepel: Not the point!  Let’s just kill this thing, alright?
Wh. Meepel: Rampant Murder? YAY ^_^!
*fight ensues, Cerberus breaks his chain, yada yada yada, nothing remarkable until Cerberus vomits, and Leonardo gets shrunken by the digestive fluids*
Jared: Ooh! I want to pet it! *runs into the saliva and gets stuck, CErberus proceeds to eat Jared...who is not shrunken…*
P. Meepel: ...would making a comment about being eaten like a french fry be considered a racial slur in this case?
W. Meepel: Me think best avoid it…
Altun: *picture of a witch moogle with a surprised face*
*Cerberus keels over in pain*
Leonardo: It would appear that Lalafells are bad for this things diet! It is suffering indigestion! Quick! Let us chain the beast up like a...dog…
P. Meepel: Is the simile really necessary considering it is literally a dog?
Leonardo: I realized what I said after I said it…
*Ceberus is chained up, fight is won*
Yauinne: YAY! ANOTHER STORY TO TELL SENPAI!!!
P. Meepel: We lost Jared, though.  This time, I don’t think we can revive him since there’s not even an inclinct of a corpse left…
*Jared comes out of Cerberus’ behind, smelling awfully*
Jared: Oh boy! I got to experience being eaten and digested and then becoming-...
P. Meepel: TOO. MUCH. INFO!  ...actually, Jared, how ARE you still alive?
Jared: Oh, I saw this big glowing spot while I was in his stomach, so I decided to blast it because it looked like fun! Then he shook and things happened and I went into his-...
P. Meepel: OK GETTING TOO SPECIFIC AGAIN!
W. Meepel: Me think we near end…
P. Meepel: What makes you say that?
Temartu: Cloud of Darkness is right there…
*Temartu points at a giant green naked woman with tentacles*
P. Meepel: ...that’ll do.  Ok, Cloud of Darkness, I’ve defeated...other threats...you won’t be so hard!
Cloud of Darkness: We will not be mocked! All shall return to the void!
P. Meepel: Really, and what are you going to do about it?
Cloud of Darkness: *Blasts Leonardo with a beam taking him out in one shot*
P. Meepel: ...you know, that SHOULD intimidate me, but considering how many times I’ve seen that in this tower alone, I’m desensitized to it.
Lenny: I can beat her if I have melds!
*Cloud of Darkness smothers Lenny with a dark cloud, killing him*
P. Meepel: ...you’re trying to intimidate me...by killing Lenny…look, let’s just beat this thing before more people die!
Temartu: Ok.
Fisty: My fists have been waiting for this moment!
*big fight with Cloud of Darkness occurs, not much else to say, just assume it involves Meepel doing her thing, White Mage being over excited to kill stuff, Yauinne running around shouting Senpai at inopportune times, Jared being happy when ANYTHING happens, and Altun conveniently having a proper stick to respond.  Also punching...lots of punching...and yes, by exactly who you think*
Cloud of Darkness: You try our patience! We must dispose of you once and for-...
*multiple Meteor related limit breaks fire off at once, finishing off the Cloud of Darkness*
P. Meepel: ...seriously, what is with this tower and being a perpetual magnet for meteors!?
Temartu: Well, Allagans did create Dalamud…
P. Meepel: NOT THE POINT!
Altun: *holds up picture of Cloud of Darkness saying “Ha ha ha!”*
P. Meepel: ...WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT!?
Cid: *on linkpearl* Meepel, have you won?
P. Meepel: I think so…
Cid: Ok, good...now find Nero and get out of there before the portal closes!
P. Meepel: How do you think we’ll find Ner-...
Nero: AHAHAH! I AM LIKE UNTO A GOD WITH THIS POWER! THE VOID POWER IS MINE!
P. Meepel Oh, there he is.  HI Nero, I’ve come to rescue you!
Nero: NONSENSE! I will not be rescued, I can finally have my revenge on you!
P. Meepel: Nero, quick question…
Nero: Yes?
P. Meepel: How do you plan on using that power when you’re clearly drawing it from the void by existing here, and the Cloud of Darkness as your anchor is now gone?
Nero: ...you raise a good point...I guess I probably should get out of here with you shouldn’t I?
P. Meepel: I mean I COULD leave you here, but Cid won’t let me…
Nero: Fine, let’s get going, I’m getting annoyed at my skin being blue anyway…
*they run out of the portal, but DARKNESS FOLLOWS! Nero actually does something noble gets caught, meaning he’s stuck*
Cid: ...where’s Nero?
P. Meepel: He actually saved me...I know, it’s shocking but I think he’s gone…
Doga: And that’s our queue! Quick, Unei, if we sacrifice our COPY CLONED SELVES right now, we could save him and close the portal forever!
Unei: Yep! That was the plan all along!
Yauinne: Yay! Senpai is going to-...wait, sacrifice!? NO! SENPAI! YOU CAN’T GO! LET ME GO INSTEAD SENPAI! PLEASE!!!!!
Unei: ...I feel more encouraged to sacrifice myself now than before it seems…
Doga: And besides, only those with ALLAGAN ROYAL BLOOD can pull this off!  That is basically why we came after all.  Yes, this was a suicide mission for us, but hey, it was fun while it lasted!
*plan goes off without a hitch, Yauinne breaks into a depression state*
P. Meepel: So...will she be ok…
Fisty: My fists are telling me she will get over it!
Altun: *picture of Moogle on beach chair saying “Let’s chill-”
Jared: And besides, school’s starting soon! We need to get back!
P. Meeplel: Oh, is it? Well...uhh...thanks you guys.  I guess I couldn’t have done it without you...much as it shocks me to say that...
*the Gauken Academy members leave*

G’raha: So...there remains one problem…
Cid: What’s that?
G’raha: The Aether of the tower is still unstable because we kind of killed the things controlling it…
Cid: Oh, well, I guess I could go in and fix it myse-
G’raha: And unfortunately, only someone with RED EYES OF ALLAG can control it...and unfortunately, there’s literally only one person available who has that…
P. Meepel: Say G’raha, didn’t Nero say-...oh...oh dear…
G’raha: Yeah...sorry, but...well...this is what my destiny is.  Guess I’ll see you guys later.  It was fun working with you! I hope we can meet again in another time and place!
W. Meepel: Me think chances of that low…
G’raha: I know.  Who knows, maybe I’ll be a completely different person by then too! You’ve been a massive inspiration to me! Fare thee well, Warrior of Light!
*G’raha runs into the Crystal Tower and prevents it*

P. Meepel: Well, glad the chapter of the Crystal Tower is finally done and we will NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT AGAIN!
Cid: There’s still plenty we don’t know about this tower you do realize, right?  There’s a good chance something may come up regarding it in the future.
P. Meepel: Like I said, we are NEVER GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CRYSTAL TOWER AGAIN! That’s final!
Temartu: ...I think you’re jumping to conclusions, sister…
P. Meepel: And I think your opinions are irrelevant!
Temartu: That’s fair.
W. Meepel: Me feel we forget something...
Wh. Meepel: Is it murder?!
W. Meepel: Me not think so...
P. Meepel: I'm sure whatever it is, it's not important.
*random "Kweh!" heard from off screen*
P. Meepel: SHUT UP DUMPLIN!

Narrator: And so ends the Crystal Tower storyline which, as our heroine has stated, will NEVER COME UP AGAIN IN ANY FORM! OR WILL IT!?
P. Meepel: *from the background* NO IT WON’T!!!

[Meeplelard]

Season 2 Preliminary Stuff

This post is about Season 2 aspects.  Mostly new outfits, characters, etc.  I might get a screenshot of some of the other characters in Crystal Tower story line but nothing elaborate.  This is a bit of a work in progress and will be updated over time.

First off, I will establish that the ENTIRETY of Eureka has been finished by the start of 4.1.  Yes I know, that wasn't a thing in-game at the time, but for the sake of the narrative, just go with it.  With that in-mind...

Paladin Meepel



Sporting a new hat, and a cow-girl inspired attire, this is Paladin's new look.  Her personality is more or less unchanged, of course.

Dark Knight Meepel



Dark Knight took a trip to Wolf's den, saw this outfit, covered in yellow and gold, and feels it better suits her!  She also decided to don the Pyros Weapon , to change things up a bit (in contrast, Paladin refuses to let go of the Aettir Lux and Pyrwen.)   Still ever the ideal, heroic warrior of justice! ...for better or worse...

Warrior Meepel



Feeling she still isn't respected the way she deserves, she donned a Tuxedo to further demonstrate she is not a complete mindless brute.  Also decided to go with Shiva's Axe, because...reasons...

(ACTUALLY, I might change that to Ifrit's Axe, and use Shiva's for Season 3, but shh!)

Red Mage Meepel



Finally being able to dye her Artifact gear Blue like she's always wanted, in particular the hat, AND wielding her own relic weapon (the Pyros one because of a Blue Flame!), Red Mage is more ready than ever!  She's also the one who dealt with basically the vast majority of Eureka, insisting she could get her own stuff there.  She's less than fond of what went down there (you may notice soon a bunch of extra "Dislikes" added...), and one could say she now understands Paladin and Dark Knight's pain...


Samurai Meepel



Swapping to the Ao Dai, and equipping her own Eurekan weapon, Samurai is...still as culturally confused as always, and now mostly just does it with more flash. 

Mikh Mujuuk



"*sigh* Huzzah..."
Preferred Mount: White Lanner
Likes: Competence, relaxing
Dislikes: Incompetence, stress

Whole new character!  Mikh is from the Azim Steppe, and essentially sent to assist Meepel, the current Khaghan.  Mikh is pretty much the most normal and rational person on the team, and essentially the only person who will regularly share in Paladin's distress at the insanity going on.  Basically, the statement "I'm the only serious person on this team.  That's the joke" applies to her.
PS This is Yakko's character.

Gauken Academy characters


Preferred Mount: Regalia Type-G

And here is 4 Gauken Academy members!  These are our alts on Diabolos server made for the Team Four Star guild that I decided to throw in here for silliness.  Here is, from left to right, Altun, Jared and Yauinne, with Mister Fisticuffs off to the side.  Their personalities are pretty well established in the Crystal Tower arc.  Generally speaking, they won't show up much outside of interludes when I can't use the usual crew of...well...whatever Meepel's teamates are called.

For reference, Altun = Yakko's alt, Jared = My alt, Yauinne = Mei's alt, and Fisty = Magic Fanatic's alt.

Leonardo Magnus


"A solid spirit starts with a solid body!"

Preferred Mount: Battle Lion
Likes: Exercise, Protein, Training, Lions, Muscles, The Spirits of the Earth
Dislikes: Imperial Soldiers, Lion Poachers, People who try to make him eat sweets

Another character restricted mostly to Interludes.  Leonardo Magnus is a mock character I forced Djinn watch me make to represent him, because shut up.  He is a conjurer who is a complete and total health and nature nut, which is part of his rationalization for why he runs around only in his underwear.

[Meeplelard]

Season 2 Episode 1: Meet the New Crew!

Narrator: It has been some indistinguishable amount of time since Ala Mhigo has won it’s freedom and thus we join our Warrior of Light…
P. Meepel: ...I have a name…
Narrator: ...and her “allies” as they deal with the aftermath!

P. Meepel: Well, I’ve killed most hunts in the area, upgraded my gear, and taken down both the Temple of the Fist and Kugane Castle...I feel like I’m running out of things to do.
D. Meepel: We also tackled Eureka, dear sister! Let us not forget that!
R. Meepel: EX-CUSE ME!? *I* dealt with Eureka, thank you very much! It was totally a slog, and like, I can’t believe I totally went through with that.
W. Meepel: But you volunteer…
R. Meepel: Well duh! When I learned they could upgrade my artifact gear to make it blue, I to-ta-lly had to go try it out! And look! I now have my own Blue hat! This is so cool!
S. Meepel: ¿Pero valió la pena?
R. Meepel: I still have, like, no idea what you’re talking about, Samurai!
M’naago: Ah! Warrior of Light! Just who I was looking for!
P. Meepel: Oh, hi M’naago...I’m going to presume you have something for me to do?
M’naago: Well, sort of...the warriors of the East are finally heading home, that includes those from the Azim Steppe!
P. Meepel: Only NOW!? I said good bye to them over a week ago at least! Heck, I think Red Mage did all of Eureka in that time frame!
R. Meepel: Can we like, NOT bring that up again!?
M’Naago: ...that being said, they did leave one of their finest warriors over here, to assist you.  Something about they feel they haven’t been supportive of you enough...not sure why they’d feel obligated though…
P. Meepel: I mean, I AM the Queen of the Azim Steppe, so it only makes sense they want to support me!
M’Naago: ...right...in any event, they’re waiting by the base tent in Rhalgr’s Reach…
P. Meepel: Aren’t we already in Rhalgr’s Reach?
M’Naago: That’s not the point!

*at the base tent in Rhalgr’s Reach...where Meepel already was…*
P. Meepel: Alright, so where is the person I’m suppose to meet?
Orange Dressed Xaelan: That would be me.
P. Meepel: Ah, mind telling me your name?
Orange Dressed Xaelan: Normally you start by telling me yours…
P. Meepel: ...pretty sure you already know who I am so I figured that was unecessary…
Mikh: I guess that’s fair.  My name is Mikh Mujuuk, and I was told I should assist you when necessary.
P. Meepel: I see...what’s with the get up?
Mikh: What? This is a standard outfit for my tribe, especially among warriors! Also being a dancer, this allows for fine mobility, complimenting my style!
P. Meepel: What kind of-...wait that actually is a well thought out and constructed response, well played.
Mikh: What’s so weird about that?
P. Meepel: When you deal with the people I do regularly, you kind of expect...well…

*in the distance, an explosion is heard, William laughing his ass off, sound of Quinn being frustrated, and Asher can seen blasted over the horizon*

D. Meepel: Nevertheless, we have to have such a fine warrior assist us! As your Khaghan, I welcome you!
Mikh: Yeah, well, I didn’t vote for you.
D. Meepel: You don’t vote to become Khagan, it is a title earned through the glory and justice of the battlefield!
Mikh: Like I said, I didn’t vote for you!
D. Meepel: ....touche…
P. Meepel: In any event, I guess welcome to the...group...and I should figure out what to do next.
Arenvold: Why, Warrior of Light, were you trying to think of what to do next?!
P. Meepel: ...yes, yes I was; I literally just said it...you were standing behind me the entire time weren’t you?
Arenvold: You were having such an interesting conversation, I didn’t want to interrupt.
Mikh: Is this normal for you?
P. Meepel: Sadly, yes, yes it is.
Arenvold: In any event, I heard there’s this underwater cave that leads to ruins with GREAT RICHES IN IT!  Seeing as there’s nothing going on, I thought you might be interested in going.
P. Meepel: I mean...you’re not wrong, I don’t have anything better to do…
Alphinaud: Did you guys say you were going to some random ruins to find great treasure?
P. Meepel: ...ok, Alphinaud, I have two questions for you.
Alphinaud: Yes?
P. Meepel: Where and why!?
Alphinaud: Oh, I was just standing in earshot of you, and I was bored not being able to plan anything, so I figured I’d join you.
D. Meepel: Ah, yes, the allure of such an adventure is not something you wish to avoid, is it our brave comrade Alphinaud?
Alphinaud: So where are these ruins?
W. Meepel: Underwater apparently.
Alphinaud: ...now I am regretting volunteering…
Arenvold: In any event, let us go to the Lochs!


*at the Lochs, filler stuff with Meepel finding the spot, they reach the dungeon*
R. Meepel: Like, OMG! There really is ruins here! But I don’t see any treasure.  Totally not worth it.
Arenvold: Well, according to my sources…
Mikh: Do I want to know what your sources are?
S. Meepel: A veces es mejor no saber la respuesta a estas preguntas…
Mikh: Wait, what did she-...
P. Meepel: Don’t bother asking, I still don’t understand her...
Mikh: But...aren’t you...her?
D. Meepel: It is a complicated story that involves…
P. Meepel: No, it’s not, and we’re not getting into this.
Quinn: Whatever, does it matter? You’re both just annoying black horns when it comes down to it.
R. Meepel: Before you, like, say anything to her, no, she is TOTALLY not worth responding to when she calls us a Black Horn.
Mikh: Well, I was more going to question what you’re going to do about that…
*points to Susano behind the party*
P. Meepel: That’s Susano.  He shows up from time to time, mostly to murder Asher.  Tends to resolve itself, so not worth worrying about.
William: Still not healing him though.
Mikh: ...I feel like this may have been a mistake…
Arenvold: ANYWAY, my sources suggest that there is a hidden treasure room deep within!  So what do we say we make it a challenge between the three of us!
Mikh: But there’s way more than 3 of us…
P. Meepel: ...I was about to say the same thing…
D. Meepel: Ah! A friendly challenge amongst us! This shall be fun!  Come, my glorious companions in Quinn, William and MIkh, we shall head forward and succeed!
Alphinaud: I notice you left off Asher…
D. Meepel: He is currently preoccupied...possibly with the reaper…
Asher: AHA! I have returned for even the Reaper herself can’t keep me down!
W. Meepel: Wait, Reaper is female?
Asher: But of course! Why the beauty of a powerful snake lady before me attempted to apprehend me to the underworld but I escaped!
P. Meepel: ...I think that was just an Ananta Medic trying to help you…
Alphinaud: Anyway, let us begin on the contest! It’ll be me and Arenvold against the 5 of you, let’s go!
P. Meepel: Do we get anything for winning?
Alphinaud: NOTHING!

*a little ways in*
P. Meepel: So what kind of monsters are we going to deal with?
Mikh: Well given we’re in an under-water air pocket, I would assume something aquatic like crabs, or turtles or…
*swarm fish and sharks appear*
P. Meepel: Or that works too.
Mikh: You don’t seem at all surprised.
P. Meepel: Spend about a week with me, you’ll suddenly understand why. 
D. Meepel: It is advisable that we take down these attrocious beasts! FOR WE WILL NOT LOSE THIS RACE AGAINST OUR FRIEND!
W. Meepel: But race not important…
D. Meepel: It’s the principle of the thing.
Quinn: But I have salt-water in my hair! You dare make me fight under these conditions?
R. Meepel: Well, you could like, let these pirahnas eat you, then that’d TOTALLY solve your hair problems.
Quinn: Can you please tell me that “Crimson Wizards” are on the menu for these aquatic predators? That’d cheer me up.
William: To be clear, I don’t heal shark-bites or anything of the sort.
S. Meepel: Pero no cura nada de todos modos…
*team dispatches them quickly, mostly because Mikh is actually competent so Meepel doesn’t have to shoulder the entire burden*
P. Meepel: So what’s our next roadblock?

*run into a giant aquatic horse*
Mikh: ...I’ve heard of seahorses but this is taking things too literally…
P. Meepel: How bad can it be…
*Gets hit by Rising Seas, Paladin survives no problem, her boar-skin hat and Uraeus Coat not so much*
P. Meepel: ...jerk…
Mikh: That looked like it hurt…
P. Meepel: It did! Do you know how hard it was for me to find a hat like that? ...well, not really hard, but damn it, it completed the outfit!
D. Meepel: Say, did not Red Mage provide a whole new outfit you liked from Eureka?
R. Meepel: I’d totally prefer you not mention that…*is fuming*
P. Meepel: Guess I’m going to have to change after this is done.  Going to be rough fighting in this wet, soggy, ruined outfit…
W. Meepel: Me got covered, you take break!
P. Meepel: Works for me!
*Kelpie starts charging Hydra Push*
W. Meepel: Waves moving out, me think we get close to boss and…
*Team gets dragged to boss and gets hurt*
Mikh: ...looks like you were wrong...but to be fair, I had the same conclusion…
W. Meepel: Ok, it work opposite then!
*after several Hydra Pulls and Pushes working opposite how you’d think…*
R. Meepel: Like, the waves are coming in, that means get close to it right?
W. Meepel: That correct.
Voice of the Wandering Minstrel: And so the team had discovered the secret, but little did they know it was but a mistake that the greater gods above have fixed since the start of this fight!
Quinn: Wait WHAT!?
*Team gets pulled towards boss*
D. Meepel: Why, it seems the rules have changed! This horse is but a cheating, dishonorable monstrosity that must be put down!
W. Meepel: Me agree.  Meepel SMASH puny horse!
*half a dozen Fell Cleaves to the face later*
Mikh: So...I think we’re all in agreement that we should probably never talk about that again…
W. Meepel: Me see why Paladin like you.  What next?

*Giant Golem appears*
Mikh: This seems pretty standard…
The Old One: The Crystals know all! FOR NONE SHALL STOP THEM!
*creates a bunch of Crystals*
William: ...let me guess, we blow the crystals up, we get past this right?
S. Meepel: Eso parece lógico.
*crystals dispatched no problem*
The Old One: Ah, worthy foes, but can face round 2?
*More crystals form*
Quinn: This is the same as before. How bad can it be?
*Team gets turned into Spriggan, cue exploding panicking shenanigans.  This happens twice by the way*
Quinn: That was probably one of the worst things ever.  I swear to the twelve if I get turned into a bunny ever again, I am going to strangle myself.
D. Meepel: Nay, your suicidal tendancies must wait, Quinn, for we have another obstacle before us.
Mikh: And what’s that?
*Dark Knight points to a giant pit*
Mikh: ...well, you aren’t wrong…
W. Meepel: Me wonder how we get across.
William: Meh, you guys figure it out, I’m just going to step on this portal and…
*William turns into a giant ghost thing that flies for a brief bit before transforming back*
W. Meepel: How you do that?
William: I dunno; I just stepped on the switch, turned into it, and it turned me back shortly after.
Mikh: Oh, look whose controlled by the divine hand of god now.  Huzzah.  Can we use that to fly over to the other side?
W. Meepel: Me think William should try, he figure it out!
William: Do I have to?
Everyone: YES!!!
*Willaim attempts it, it works*
W. Meepel: Ok, we all do too!
*everyone does it successful*
Mikh: That was actually simple.  I’m curious how anyone could screw that up.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!
*Runs into switch, turns into ghost, flies over pit, and lets spell wear off as he plummets to a painful death*
Mikh: What did I just…
D. Meepel: Worry not, friend, for this is but a minor set back for Asher!
Mikh: Somehow I think a fall like that would kill him.
William: Yes, yes it did, and that’s one less person I have to heal!
Quinn: Like that changes the amount you heal already…
William: It’s the principle of the thing!
W. Meepel: Me think we move on.
Mikh: Shouldn’t we worry about Asher, though?
William: It’ll work itself out.
Mikh: How does falling from a high place work itself out exactly?
Asher: Indeed! It is a tale I am curious to hear myself!
Mikh: ...on second though, nevermind.

*at the boss*
Manticore Thing: Greetings, Adventurers!  You have reached the treasure room and must battle me! HRODRIC POISONTONGUE!
W. Meepel: Ok, you boss, me got it.
Hrodric: Now, behold my mighty claw, for I shall slash you forward with it! If you were to get behind me you might avoid it!
Mikh: That seems a little too obvious...I feel like he might be trying to trick u-...
*Hrodric slashes, Mikh barely dodges with En Avant, realizing he was telling the complete truth*
Mikh: ...ok, maybe he is just an idiot, got it.
W. Meepel: Me you opponent, me ready for smash!
Hrodric: Aha! I will now face forward and engage in combat with you, my aggro’d opponent!
William: I’m sure you can handle it; if you don’t mind, I’ll just craft this accessory.
Mikh: How does she let you get away with it?
William: Not listening, too busy...oh darn, thanks to you, it’s Normal quality! Now I have to start again!
Hrodric: BEHOLD MY GIANT TAIL! I WILL NOW SLASH BEHIND ME SUCH THAT RUNNING FORWARD WILL DODGE!
Mikh: Much as I don’t get this guy...I think it’s wise I listen to him, rather than cutting it close! Quinn, you may want to dodge too.
Quinn: Meh I gu-...oh god! My shoes! They’re dirty! I HAVE TO POLISH THEM!
Mikh: ...seriously? THE TAIL IS GOING TO KILL YOU!
Quinn: BUT MY SHOES!
*Quinn gets smashed into a wall by the tail*
R. Meepel: Like, that was SO. FUNNY! Totally took a picture of that and posting it on the Free Company board!
Hrodric: You were not worthy to dodge my tail! THEREFOR YOU MUST SUFFER!
D. Meepel: Is not being pounded against a wall, into an unconscious state suffering enough?
Hrodric: BEHOLD THE GLORY OF MY POISON GAS! IF YOU WERE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH YOU MIGHT-...
Mikh: ...manage to avoid being poisoned entirely?
Hrodric: Aha! You learn quick!
Mikh: You’re literally telling us what you’re going to do and how to avoid it...I’m not sure how we’re supposed to lose?
S. Meepel: Es uno de los muchos misterios de la vida…
*one fight later*
Hrodric: Well done! You have defeated me and my unsurmountable strategy!
Mikh: I’m sure there’s some benefit to telling your opponents every single thing you’re going to do and how to avoid it a while in advance, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what that is…

*in the treasure room, sometime later*
Alphinaud: Well, we finally got here…
Arenvold: Indeed, and it seems our Warrior of Light friend got here first!
Alphinaud: To be fair, I kind of figured we didn’t stand a chance against her.
W. Meepel: So what we do now?
Arenvold: We shall take this gold and use it to help fund Ala Mhigo of course!
P. Meepel: *clothes still damp from the Kelpi* Wait, you mean I can’t even keep any of this? That’s unfair!
Alphinaud: You have millions of gil as is, what do you need more for?
R. Meepel: Do you know how expensive those Ceto Claws go for? I totally need one for another Magia!
D. Meepel: Is that not only useful in Eureka? I believe you promised to stay out of there for at least quite a while!
R. Meepel: Like, duh! But I can totally prepare for the future early!
W. Meepel: Me think we go back to Rhalgr’s Reach, find out what do next…
P. Meepel: Oh I already know what we’re doing next.
W. Meepel: Really? What we do?
P. Meepel: Finding me a new outfit because that stupid horse ruined this one!
Mikh: Are you really so materialistic that you have to look good fighting?
P. Meepel: Less style, more “Damp clothes that never dries is that much harder to fight in.”
Mikh: ...fair enough…
R. Meepel: Ooh! I totally know just the outfit for you, Paladin!

*at Rhalgr’s Reach, camera pans to 3 different spots of Meepel, showing her in Season 2 outfit demonstrated earlier*
P. Meepel: Not bad.  I could get use to this.  Even came with a new hat.  Thanks for the outfit, Red Mage.
R. Meepel: Like, totally had to make my time in Eureka worth something!  Now let us, like, totally never mention that again!
Quinn: Good, you finished? Because I’m so bored, I’m willing to strangle Asher.
William: Not much of a bar to clear, I’m sure.
Quinn: Quiet you!
Young Female Voice: HIIIIII QUINN!!!!
Quinn: Shut up, Red Mage! I’m right here!
R. Meepel: OMG, that wasn’t me!
Quinn: Like hell it wasn’t! If that wasn’t you, then who was it!?
Young Female Voice: HIIIII QUINN!!!!
Mikh: I think that Au’ra behind you is trying to get your attention.
Quinn: Huh? No, there’s no one behind me, I’m certain!
Asher: GREETINGS, YOUNG LASS! WOULD YOU MIND TELLING US WHO YOU ARE!?
Young Au’Ra: YAY! YOU NOTICED ^_^!!!
P. Meepel: White Mage, please stay out of this...no, I don’t want to know what you were going to do, just please hang back.
Wh. Meepel: You’re no fun ;_;
Quinn: *Sigh* Fine, I’ll see whose behind me *Turns around* Oh god no. No! NOT YOU! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!
Young Au’Ra: Yay! I found you!!!! *tackles and hugs Quinn*
P. Meepel: So, uh, Quinn...you mind telling us who this is?
Quinn: No.  I’d rather not.
Young Au’Ra: Oh! I can answer that! My name is Ophelia Winago, and I’ve been searching for Quinn this whole time, yep!
P. Meepel: Winago...that name sounds familiar…
D. Meepel: Say, wasn’t that the family name of Quinn!? By chance are you two related?!
Quinn: No, we’re not.  We’re leaving it at that.
Ophelia: We’re sissies!!!!
Mikh: What’s that suppose to mean?
Ophelia: It means we’re sisters and the bestest of friends ever, yep!!!!
Quinn: ...I revile you…
R. Meepel: You say that about everyone Quinn, it doesn’t mean anything more.
Quinn: I echo my statement towards you too!
P. Meepel: Might I ask why you’re here?
Ophelia: Well, I was looking for Quinn, spent a long time doing so!  I heard she was helping save the world, and I went “Oh that sounds like fun! I should help her!”, so I got on Rathy, and decided to find you, and here we are!
W. Meepel: That answer some questions, maybe.
Mikh: What’s “Rathy”?
Ophelia: Oh, he’s my cute and adorable pet that follows me everywhere!
Quinn: ...don’t tell me you actually…
Ophelia: In fact, let’s have everyone meet him! HERE RATHY!!!
*a large Rathalos shows up out of nowhere in the middle of Rhalgr’s Reach that is anything but cute*
P. Meepel: What in the name of the twelve is THAT!?
Ophelia: That’s Rathy the Rathalos!
Quinn: How did you manage to tame that thing…
Ophelia: WITH LOVE OF COURSE!  And help by the Sapphire Star!  He’s a good boy!
D. Meepel: Apologies, but I believe it just immolated and ate Aleph in a manner of seconds…
Ophelia; Yep! He’s such a good and gentle boy!
W. Meepel: Ok, you find Quinn. You happy now?
Ophelia: Yes, now that I found Quinn, I can be with her forever and ever, like sissies are suppose to be!
P. Meepel: Meaning…
Ophelia: I am going to help you on your quest, yep!
Mikh: I’m not sure if we should be happy or scared at this prospect…
P. Meepel: Hey, the snarky responses are MY forte! ...for all that I echo that sentiment…
Lyse: Ah, there you are, Warrior of Light!
P. Meepel: Yes, what do you need me for this time?
Lyse: Well, I was going to check on Fordola, since she’s been detained, and thought you should be there with me.
P. Meepel: Why can’t you do it by yourself?
Lyse: Because I need help!
P. Meepel: What do you think I’ll do about it?
Lyse: Moral Support!
D. Meepel: Sister, just say yes, she’s clearly not going to take “no” for an answer.
P. Meepel: *sigh* Fine.

*at the Ala Mhigan jail*
Fordola: What do you two want?
Lyse: Fordola, if you apologize, we’ll let you out.
Fordola: Go to hell.
P. Meepel: I think she likes it in there…
Fordola: I deserve this, so I’m staying here.  You don’t know what I’ve been through, and besides, Ala Mhigans are jerks and...you...just had an echo moment seeing my entire past, didn’t you?
P. Meepel: Yes, yes I did.  That answered some questions at least.
Lyse: Will you at least reconsider?
Fordola: No.
Lyse: Well, I tried!


*back at Rhalgr’s Reach*
Lyse: So we’re planning a summit soon between all the members of the Ala Mhigan alliance!  That basically means us and the Vira are going to be there.
M’Naago: Actually, we just got an unexpected visitor who wishes to mend bridges and work with us.
Lyse: Really, who is that?
Qlyana Chieftan: It is us! We now see the error of our ways and wish to not be bad.  Please let us join so we have some say.
W. Meepel: Me think this bad idea.
P. Meepel: Why do you say that?
W. Meepel: Me not know; just feeling.
Lyse: Well, I for one can’t see anything wrong with this! Welcome aboard! The meeting happens tomorrow.  Oh yeah, we’ll also have the Sultana from Ul’dah here as an outsider to verify this.
P. Meepel: Wait, Nanamo’s coming? That would explain why Raubhan is dancing gleefully like a female Lalafell…
Lyse: Actually, she’s been here for some time...you haven’t noticed?  She’s been wanting to talk to you as well!
R. Meepel: Like, when were you going to tell us, Lyse!?


*at Nanamo*
Nanamo: Ah, Warrior of Light, it’s been a while!
P. Meepel: Yes, yes it has.  What do you wish to talk to me about?
Nanamo: It’s about Raubhan, actually…
D. Meepel: Aha! Yes! THE SHEAR JOY HE HAS ATTAINED WITH YOUR PRECENSE HAS LIFTED HIS SPIRITS! He couldn’t be happier!
S. Meepel: Dios mio…
Nanamo: Well, the fact is...I don’t think he’s quite as happy as he makes himself out to be.
P. Meepel: You sure? He’s running around in his small clothes challenging people to a manly off.  Side of him I’ve never seen that’s for sure...and probably would have preferred it that way now that I think about it...reminds me of someone I once knew actually…

*meanwhile somewhere else in Eorzea*
Leonardo: *sneezes*
*back to Rhalgr’s Reach*

Nanamo: Well, you see...Raubhan is stuck in a dilemma.  He has made a vow to never leave me side, and he has done a fantastic job serving me, and no doubt he will return after the Ala Mhigan summit, but I can tell he wishes to stay in his home here at Ala Mhigo and rebuild.  Yet, even if I tell him to, he won’t leave my side.
P. Meepel: So what do you want me to do?
Namamo: I wish to survey the area around Thanalan, and get a better sense of things, but without his help.  I need to prove that I can stand on my own two legs without his aid.  If he sees that, perhaps he will be more willing to part with me.  I wish only his happiness, and do not want him to compromise it on my behalf!
P. Meepel: ...that does mean you won’t be able to ride on his shoulder anymore during public ceremonies…
Nanamo: I AM WELL AWARE OF THE SACRIFICES I AM MAKING!
D. Meepel: Lo, young one, what is it that has caught your attention?
R. Meepel: Astrologian told me to put money on Raubhan for his latest match up.  I am totally NOT betting on anything though...gotta save my gil for a new shade of blue for my hat.
D. Meepel: Pray, who is Raubhan’s latest opponent in his...manly...off?
Asher *from off screen*: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
D. Meepel: ...it seems the twelve have answered my question for me…

*Meepel and Nanamo spend time together looking through Thanalan, skipping that because boring*
Nanamo: It seems I know what must be done! I must find a way to help the Ala Mhigan refugees!
P. Meepel: That seemed like a pretty obvious problem to solve.  It’s only been an on-going problem since, I dunno, the past 20 years when Ala Mhigo was taken by the Empire and many refugees ran into Ul’dah!?  Heck, that was the exact reason the Syndicate decided to NOT allow the Doman Refugees in!
D. Meepel: Sister, please calm down, one step at a time!
Nanamo: Yes, and now I am ready to give them what they need, so they can get back on their feet! If I can do this on my own, it will be enough proof to Raubhan he doesn’t need me!
R. Meepel: And...like...how are you going to do this? Money doesn’t grow on trees!  Trust me, I know!
P. Meepel: Says the one who made a fair amount of our fortune by selling rare items she got in Eureka on a weekly basis...
R. Meepel: Totally uncool there, Paladin!
W. Meepel: Me want to know what you idea is?
Nanamo: Well, I think I should ask the Syndicate for help.  Normally, I’d ask Raubhan but that kind of defeats the purpose, so I’ll have to find someone else I trust. 
S. Meepel: Teledji Adaledji está muerto, no es que pudiéramos confiar en él, y Lolorito, a pesar de estar de nuestro lado, es de alguna manera aún menos confiable.  Luego está esa mujer Lalafell que aparece de la nada…
Nanamo: Yes, so the answer is clear.  To the Manderville Gold Saucer we go!
P. Meepel: ...wait, you understood all that?
Nanamo: Of course!  Obscure Foreign languages was my elective in Sultana School!
P. Meepel: ...I think that only raised even more questions…

*at the Manderville Gold Saucer*
P. Meepel: I’d question who we are looking for but I think considering the location, it sort of answers itself.
Nanamo: Say, you actually have worked with him in the past, haven’t you?
P. Meepel: For a given definition of “worked with” yes.  And before you ask, the less you know about it, the better.
Nanamo: Is it really that bad?
P. Meepel: Less “bad”, more “logically impossible”; I was there, and I still sometimes refuse to acknowledge it happened.
Familiar Voice: Aha, is it true? Why yes! The Great Honorable Sultana and the warrior of Light herself!
Nanamo: Aha, Godbert, just who I was looking for.
Godbert Manderville: Why yes, now what are two fine young ladies in need of my great GENTLEMANLINESS here.
P. Meepel: Nice to see you too Godbert...and nice to see you fully dressed as well.
Nanamo: What do you mean by that
P. Meepel: Like I said, the less you know, the better!  Though now that I think about it, Godbert’s behavior does have a striking similarity in his behavior to another...acquaintance...of mine.
Godbert: Oh, and who might that be?
P. Meepel: Well you see…
*Asher smashes through the roof*
Asher: MASTER MANDERVILLE! I AND MY MANLY FOOT ABS HAVE RETURNED!
Godbert: Oho, if it isn’t my GREATEST DISCIPLE, Asher Zana! A true Manderville man!
D. Meepel: ...it would many questions have suddenly been answered all at once…
P. Meepel: It would also appear these are many questions I probably would have preferred remained unanswered…
Asher: Master Manderville, I wish to seek your guidance for my great improvement of MANLY FEMININE WAYS!
Godbert: OF COURSE YOUNG LAD! ...but I have an appointment first.  Let me finish this first.  Surely you can wait.
Asher: OF COURSE, LORD MANDERVILLE! *Asher flexes*
Susano: Oho, I shall prepare you for your great trial with your master! MAKE WAY TO ARMS!!!!
Asher: Eeep!
*Nanamo, Meepel, and Godbert sit down to discuss the situation, while sounds of Asher’s “conflict” with Susano can be heard in the background.  Somehow, the GOld Saucer is completely unaware of any of this.*

Nanamo: And so that is our predicament and I wish to help.  I seek your guidance on what I should do.
Godbert: Well, I have one answer to that: Don’t!
P. Meepel: That’s awfully cold of you…
Nanamo: How could you be so heartless
Godbert: Your intentions are pure, make no mistake, and I completely understand where you’re coming front, but you must recognize that deep as the pockets of Ul’Dah are, they are not bottomless.  If you keep giving free handouts, you won’t have any money to run the country, and people will keep asking for me.  If you wish to help them, help them be self reliant; money is not the answer here.
D. Meepel: Ah, teach a man to fish parallel!
S. Meepel: Hablando de, todavía no hemos terminado de hacer eso en el océano…
W. Meepel: Me not sure why important…
S. Meepel: Sólo estoy pensando en lugar de…
Nanamo: So help them take care of themselves...if only I could find a way to get them work, but Ul’dah does not need anymore manpower...perhaps if there were a way to expand into Ala Mhigo…
P. Meepel: That sounds an awful lot like an Empire…
Nanamo: I meant Economically!  We get those in Ala Mhigo to work there, open trade routes, and then Ul’dah AND the Ala Mhigans benefit!  Unfortunately I do not know anything about doing that…
P. Meepel: ...even worse, I know someone who does, and you’re not going to like who the answer is…
Nanamo: ...it’s Lolorito, isn’t it?
P. Meepel: Yes, yes it is.  Hate to say it, but this is pretty much exactly what he excels in.  Taking cheap labor and exploiting the crap out of it for new business ventures.
D. Meepel: It would appear we must rely on him as another necessary evil again, but how can we get him on board so easily?
Nanamo: Let’s make a personal appointment between me and him, so we can discuss business...and you’ll be there to moderate the thing!
P. Meepel: You do know he knows I am biased in your favor, right?
Nanamo: He also knows you owe him several favors, ergo would want to stay on his good side!
P. Meepel: ...touche…

*at a random non-descrip house, Meepel, Nanamo and Lolorito meet up...Lolorito for once takes off his mask too*
Lolorito: Alright, so you better not be wasting my time.  Just because you’re the Sultana doesn’t mean I respect you...in fact if it was possible, I’d find a way to get rid of you but unfortunately your existence makes life easier in Ul’dah.
Nanamo: Nice to see you’re as despicable as ever…
P. Meepel: I could have told you that.
Lolorito: Anyway, so what is this business venture idea you have?
Nanamo: How would you like to employ the Ala Mhigans to work for you?
Lolorito: Pfft, as if I need more employees.  That seems like a waste of money.
Nanamo: Ok, but what if I gave you permission to expand into Ala Mhigo without starting a war.
Lolorito: ...go on…
Nanamo: Well, you see, I figured you want your business empire to continue, and you’ll want to go into areas you don’t have.  Yet, in Ala Mhigo, you have no one there...and who better to work in Ala Mhigo than natives, such as those refugees that have been leeching off us for a while?  The short of it is we assist in helping them repair, but any profits they make from our assistance a portion goes right back to Ul’Dah.  They take care of themselves, Ul’Dah gets money back for helping them, we all win!
Lolorito: Neat idea...in theory...but what incentive do I have to go into Ala Mhigo?
D. Meepel: AHA! The Quarry Town of Ala Ghanna!
Lolorito: Not a bad idea...except it’s nowhere near anywhere useful for us to take advantage of.
R. Meepel: So like...maybe Ala Ghiri?  Good trade route!
Lolorito: I agree...but what would we be trading then!?
P. Meepel: ...ok, look, you just want us to say the Saltery, don’t you?
Lolorito: Perceptive!  Yes, owning Salt Industry, along with Salt Mines and miners to go with it, is in fact something I am completely lacking in and could make a lot of money!  Especially since when the Empire took over, many gourmands took a hit, so it will be in extremely high demand once they know it’s back.  It’s perfect!
P. Meepel: Well, everything seems set here, I guess we should go back to the summit in Ala Mhigo to see what’s going on there?


*at Ala Mhigo’s throne room*
Lyse: So...all the big leaders of Gyr Abania are set up here, and we have the Scions to assist in keeping things under control.
Arenvald: That includes me, to be clear!
P. Meepel: I don’t see why you needed to say that...
Arenvald: I’m just excited to be participating in something major!
Alphinaud: Yes, in any event, we’ll all standing around making sure nothing goes terribly wrong while the Gyr Abanians all discuss this!


*the Summit starts*
Lyse: So...we have an Empty Throne...anyone wanna volunteer and be the monarch?
Random Guy: Well I…
Lyse: No, of course not! It’s a responsibility no one likes and everyone will hate you!
Random Guy: But I wanted to be…
Lyse: So I think we can all agree that we should have a Republic, decided by the people!  Yes, that way everyone has a say, and there’s no one ruler ruling over all.
Raubhan: Somehow, I think this is just going to end up with you being President for Life anyway…
Lyse: Hey, if that’s what the people want, who am I to argue?
Viran Chief: Ala Mhigan politics are weird, but then I suppose we should let you decide what to do with yourselves.  We’re mostly just interested in knowing who your leader is so we can keep positive relations.
Lyse: That’s fair enough.  How about you, Qylana Leader/
Qylana Chief: Well, personally, I think...YOU SHOULD ALL BE OUR SLAVES! MWAHAHAH!
Lyse: Wait what? Are you joke…
Qylana Chief: Fell for our trap! Lakshmi, come and enslave the infidels!

*Lakshmi is summoned*
P. Meepel: Umm...ok, this is probably the single worst thing that could have possibly happened in this summit short of the Garleans Carpet Bombing the place…
D. Meepel: Please do not give them any ideas…
Alphinaud: Regardless, we must get everyone we can get out now.  Meepel, your Echo can protect you, do your best to fend off and stop those orbs.
P. Meepel: There is no way I can do that alone!  And unfortunately, I don’t have Quinn here to just brutally beat her in an angry rage…
Mikh: I mean...I have the Echo, I can help.
P. Meepel: Fair, but we’ll need more than that!
Arenvald: I’ll help then!
P. Meepel: Did you not hear? You need the echo to stop this.
Arenvald: Yes...you know that thing I told you I had a while ago?
P. Meepel: ...well I’ll be damned, so you did!  That’s 3 of us at least, going to take a little more than that.
Lyse: I’ll help!
P. Meepel: You don’t have the echo though.
Lyse: No, but I can punch her a lot at least.
P. Meepel: You do realize if you become a tempered, I’ll actually be forced to kill you, right?
Lyse: I’ll be fine!


*a fight where-in echo characters block orbs and Lyse punches things a lot later*
Lyse: We’re not getting anywhere…
Mikh: Yes, if only we had ONE MORE person of exceptional physical abilities who could help us.
P. Meepel: Oh sure, let’s just ask every single well abled personal in town if they have the Echo, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!
Lyse: Wait, I know someone who can help! Just give me 5 minutes and do your best!
Arenvald: We must push further, let’s do this!
*5 minutes later*
Lyse: I’m back, and I brought help.
P. Meepel: Great, who did you bring?
Fordola: **** off. *Blocks an orb*
P. Meepel: ...oh, right, she has it artificially...I guess that counts!
Ophelia: Yay! Let’s get them!
P. Meepel: Where did you come…
Ophelia: EXPLODING ORBS!!!!
P. Meepel: But that doesn’t at all answer…
Ophelia: SNAKE PEOPLE AAAAAH! *Rathalos immolates some of the Qylanna*
W. Meepel: Me think not worth it…
P. Meepel: I concur…

*Fight resolves*
Lyse: Ok, so...now that we’ve chased off the EVIL Snake ladies…
Vira Chieftan: That better not include me…
Lyse: That’s why I said “Evil”!  You’re one of the good ones.
Raubhan: Er...what she means is I think we all agree.  Republic it is.  Now excuse me, I need to get back to Ul’dah.
P. Meepel: Yeah, Raubhan...you may want to talk to Nanamo first about that…

*Right outside*
Raubhan: Your highness, now that my job is done here in Ala Mhigo, I can finally return to your side!
Nanamo: No, Raubhan, you can’t.  You stay here with your people.
Raubhan: But I have sworn to protect you! It is my duty to do so!
Nanamo: Not anymore.  I’m laying you off.  Now you have no obligations to stay with me!
Raubhan: But milady, surely you can’t expect me to leave you alone.
Nanamo: Raubhan, I’ve grown and know a lot more.  I know this is what you truly want.  Don’t waste your life on me.  So basically, I’m firing you and there’s no getting around that.
Raubhan: But who will protect you if not me!?
Nanamo: I’ve already promoted Pippin, I’m sure you won’t object to that.
Raubhan: ...does that count as Nepotism?
Nanamo: I dunno, maybe?
Raubhan: Well, Thank you so much, your highness.  It was an honor serving you all these years!  May fortune smile upon us in the future.

*from the distance*
Mikh: Well, at least someone got a happy ending.
P. Meepel: Or at least, ANY kind of ending…
Mikh: What do you mean by that…
P. Meepel: Trust me, things may seem all nice and dandy, but give it like 3 weeks and some new unrelated nonsense will come in our way. 
Ophelia: And I can summon a giant Frog Monster!
P. Meepel: I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Ophelia; Nope, already done! Now you have to beat it!
P. Meepel: Wait what?
*Meepel looks and sees an oversized Jiraiya Frog looking at her*
R. Meepel: Can I blame this on Quinn?
D. Meepel: Normally I would say that is unkind, but in this case, I feel it is appropriate!
Mikh: *sigh* Huzzah...

Narrator: And so, Ala Mhigo’s problems have been resolved, and Meepel’s have probably just gotten significantly worse.
D. Meepel: Say, whatever happened to Asher?
William: Oh, he’s dead...and no, I’m not healing him.

[Meeplelard]

Season 2 Episode 2 Omega 2


Narrator: We now meet our hero in a…
*Chocobo holding a sign with a narrator’s face crossed off, screeching “Kweh Kweh Kweh!”*
Narrator: ...who are you and where did you come from?
Chocobo: KWEH KWEH KWEH! KWEH KWEH KWEH!
Narrator: Just what are you trying to accomplish?
Quinn: *Sigh* That’s Ophealy, my Chocobo...and she’s protesting you.
Narrator: Why?
Quinn: I have no idea, she’s been doing this for a while and it’s annoying.
Narrator: Can you get her to stop?
Quinn: No.
Narrator: But she’s your chocobo, doesn’t she listen.
Quinn: That requires me to care.

*in Rhalgr’s Reach*
P. Meepel: So with Ala Mhigo fixed, we’re basically just sitting around waiting for something interesting to happen…
D. Meepel: Indeed.  Everyone seems content, and there is not much we can do to help others!
R. Meepel: Well, we like could go to Kugane, and check out the market there!
P. Meepel: What more could you possibly want to buy?
R. Meepel: I haven’t seen it yet, so I don’t know! But I totally know it’s there!
MIkh: Well, I did just get word that the Garlond Iron Works is on the verge of a major breakthrough, aren’t you friends with them?
P. Meepel: ...ok, yeah, sure, let’s go check them out.  Got nothing better to do.
W. Meepel: Asher dead again…
P. Meepel: Like I said, nothing better to do!

*with Cid*
Cid: Ah, our Warrior of Light, to what do we owe this visit?
P. Meepel: I hear you’re almost discovering something and I’m bored so I figured I’d kill time here.
Cid: Fair enough!
Jessie: Oh, but we just got a new engineer to help us! You should acquaint yourself with him.
?: MWAHAHAHAH! YES! BEHOLD MY BRILLIANCE AND TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESS OF…
P. Meepel: Hi Nero.
Nero: ...oh come on, aren’t you surprised to see me?
P. Meepel: This is like the 3rd time you’re helping us out, the shock value of working with you has been completely diminished.
Nero: ...that’s rude…
D. Meepel: Pot calling the kettle red there, vermin.
W. Meepel: Both wear red…
Cid: In any event, you came right on time! Biggs and Wedge are about to finish their project and once turned on, it should reveal something regarding Omega’s wearabouts!
Quinn: I’m not sure why we should care…
P. Meepel: Oh I dunno, maybe because Omega is an ancient allagan weapon capable of fighting off Bahamut, ergo a massive threat if fallen into the wrong hands?
Quinn: Still not convinced.
William: Yes, but if you were dead, you probably would be...and I’d be laughing.
Quinn: Meh.
Ophelia: Oooh! Can I get her stuff when she dies?!
Quinn: I’m not dead yet.
Wh. Meepel: That can be arranged ^_^


*Machine turns on, a Cartoon Chocobo being chased by a flying snake appears, the flying eventually disappears and the Chocobo falls to the ground*

Cute Chocobo: Kweh!
Cid: Well what do we have here?
Nero: It’s a deformed Chocobo, even the most basic of simpleton knows that.
Cid: ...that was a rhetorical question.
Nero: Yes, and it was still stupid.
R. Meepel: Like, O-M-G!!!! HE’S SO CUTE! I just want to hug him!
Cute Chocobo: Kweh?
Cid: Can you understand us?
Cute Chocobo: Kweh!
P. Meepel: So is that a yes or a no?
Cute Chocobo: Kweh!
Mikh: What were you expecting there?
P. Meepel: I’m honestly not sure…
Nero: Ah, but that proves it works! For we opened a portal to another world.  Perhaps this deformed chocobo has the answer to solving Omega!
Cute Chocobo: Kweh?
*Midgarsormr appears out of nowhere*
Midgarsormr: Did someone say Omega? Might I tag along for this one? I have some personal beef with him!
P. Meepel: Oh hey Migdarsormr, haven’t seen you in a while, how is it going?
Midgarsormr: Been a while? It’s only been about a year since we last spoke!
P. Meepel: ...right, perspective, got it.
Cid: Excuse me, but did you just call that Dragonet “Midgarsormr”?
P. Meepel: Yeah?
Cid: As in, his name is the same as the infamous father of all wyrms?
P. Meepel: I mean, it makes sense seeing as that’s who he is…
Cid: So this dragonet is the legendary wyrm itself who was suppose to have died to the Garleans years ago, and it’s now just flying around here casually?
P. Meepel: That basically sums it up, yes.  Been traveling with him since Keeper of the Lake, became friends with him sometime around Azys Lla...heck, he’s Dark Knight’s preferred mode of transportation.
Cid: So you’re friends with a godlike being that is suppose to be dead, and it’s just sitting here no larger than a house cat?
P. Meepel: I feel like we’ve long since established that’s the case, but yes, is that a problem?
Cid: ...no, none at all!  In fact, I probably shouldn’t be surprised by it.
P. Meepel: Anyway, Midgarsormr, why do you want to come?
Midgarsormr: Omega and I go back a long way,  if it is who I believe it is.  I wish to confirm that and if it is, you may be thankful to have my assistance...though I have to ask...what in all dragonkind’s name is THAT? *looks at the Cute Chocobo*
Cute Chocobo: Kweh!
W. Meepel: We still not know ourselves.
Quinn: Whatever it is, I hope it goes away soon.
Cute Chocobo: Kweh? Kweh?! KWEH!!!!
*runs up to Quinn and starts snuggling by her leg*
Quinn: What are you doing?
Cute Chocobo: Kweeeeeeh~!
Quinn: Please go away…
R. Meepel: Like, OMG! Quinn, I think he likes you!
Quinn: No, he’s just confused, clearly if I walk away he’ll be gone.
*Quinn starts to leave, the Cute Chocobo follows*
Ophelia: Quinn made a friend, yay!!!! Quinn and Chocobo, FRIENDS FOREVER YEP YEP!!!
Quinn: I am going to suffocate you with a pillow!
William: I aint healing her.
S. Meepel: ¿Qué más hay de nuevo?
Nero: In any event, a portal is open, let’s go in an investigate, all thanks to my genius!
Cid: You literally didn’t do anything in this case.
Nero: Exactly! I’m so smart, I solved it without doing anything!


*after that moment of useless gloating, Meepel’s group and the Garlond Ironworks crew outside of Jessie goes in*
Nero: I have to say, I was expecting advanced technology...but this is far beyond even the allegans!
Cid: Yes, it looks almost...otherworldly…
Midgarsormr: Well, that basically confirms it.  It’s him alright.
P. Meepel: Who?
Midgarsormr: My archrival...whom your already know the name of.
Voice: Greetings, WORTHLESS FLESH-...I mean...Test Subjects...I mean...COMPETITORS!
D. Meepel: That voice is clearly trying to threaten us, DON’T THINK I HAVEN’T SEEN THROUGH YOUR WAYS!
P. Meepel: ...let’s not piss off the GIANT ROBOT EYEBALL LOOKING AT US.
D. Meepel: How do you know that’s the one talking?
P. Meepel: Because it literally showed up just as that voice did?
Voice: Yes, greetings I am OMEGA!  And based on your little diminutive companion over there, you must be the Alpha Team.
Cute Chocobo: Kweh!
Mikh: Why is it called the Alpha team?
Omega: Because that’s your guide in here...that’s the little yellow bird’s name...didn’t you know that?
P. Meepel: Oh yeah, sure, of course we knew that, it’s not like he tried to tell us, let alone understand him.
Omega: Alpha, did you try to tell them?
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega: He says he told you 3 times…
P. Meepel: It’s called sarcasm.  We obviously can’t understand CHOCOBO SPEAK.
Omega: What is this “sarcasm” you speak of? Must be a worthless human emotion, which just proves you are already far below the expectations of all the other tras-...I mean...challengers of my trial!
Nero: And what is this trial you speak of?
Omega: You will be put through a series of tests that you will no doubt fail in order to prove your worth.  I should warn you...success is impossible.
P. Meepel: What if we simply say “no” and leave?
Omega: I’ll destroy this planet.
P. Meepel: And if we fail?
Omega: I destroy your planet.
Mikh: This certainly seems stacked against us…
P. Meepel: Well, if nothing else, I’ve figured one thing out about this…
Mikh: what’s that?
P. Meepel: I already hate Omega, probably more than Quinn hates Red Mage.
R. Meepel: Like, in the words of Asher, “Challenge Accepted!”
Asher: AHA! YES! MY WORD IS SPREADING! I SHALL TAKE THIS CHALLENGE HEAD ON! YOU ONLY SAY WE’RE PATHETIC BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY GLORIOUS FOOT ABS!
Mikh: Foot...abs…?
P. Meepel: It’s best you don’t get an answer to that...trust me...just assume Asher is going to do something in…
Omega: Foot Abs!? Perhaps there is hope for you yet! Come, enter the battlefield now!
Mikh: …
P. Meepel: …
Cid: …
Nero: …
Asher: Aha, yes, TO BATTLE WE GO! *Strips naked and runs into Omega’s arena*
Ophelia: Oooh! That looks like fun! *off everything except her small clothes and runs in*
Mikh: Think we should follow?
P. Meepel: Yes, but only because if we don’t, we’re leaving the hands of the universe into a naked catboy who defies reality, and a 12 year old in her underwear…

*The team all enters*
Omega: Excellent, now for the first fight, you must face off against my WAVE OF GREAT ENEM-...
P. Meepel: Done.
Omega: Wait what?
D. Meepel: It is as she said; we’re done.  They’re all dead.
Omega: What? But how!?
*view a bunch of busted robot parts everywhere*
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega: I was watching the entire time.
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega: I mean, yes I did blink, but…
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega: No I didn’t see the massive Gunhammer destroying half of them in the blink of an...oh…
Mikh: This is suppose to be the threat to our world?
Omega: *sigh* You have passed the preliminaries, though your performance is far lower than what I could have expected.
Nero: We literally finished it before you could even announce what you were doing...
Omega: THE PARAMETERS DO NOT LIE! As such, you may set up camp outside this portal where the next set of tests will come.  I will gather a worthy opponent for you and your friends to fight, and you will most certainly be killed by them!
P. Meepel: So...can you at least tell us where you’re from?
Omega: I am from BEYOND THE STARS!
W. Meepel: Me confused.
Omega: I am not of this world!
Midgarsormr: He’s literally from another world.  I can’t tell you where exactly, but he visited my homeworld, and let’s just say a big battle between me and him is why I’m on Hydaelyn now…
P. Meepel: Wait, you’re an alien too?
Midgarsormr: Yes, yes I am...though I guess it never really had a reason to come up for now.
Omega: Oh, Midgasormr...so you are here...maybe these meatbags have slight chance after all...though I could have sworn you were bigger.
Midgarsormr: Well, I did kind of die and have to regress to a smaller state, but yes it’s me...nice to see you too...worthless tincan...
Omega: OH YOU’RE DEAD!
P. Meepel: Yes, YES HE IS! He just said that, and that’s why you are NOT going to attempt kill him again.  Instead, let’s just deal with that first thing. 
Nero: Aha! Yes, this computer seems to have a database of everything and I can use it to research our opponents.  The first thing we’re fighting is...that giant snake monster that attacked Alpha here…
Alpha: Kweh!
P. Meepel: ...seriously?
Nero: Yeah.  That’s it.
P. Meepel: I was expecting something a little more interesting but ok.

*Teleports to the top of Dimension Castle from FF5, Alte Roite is there*
Mikh: So...how are we going to approach this?
P. Meepel: I dunno, the usual way? I take point and we kind of go with the flow from there...logically Asher will find a way to die in the process.
Ophelia: Oooh! Can I ride the dragon?
Quinn: Sure, if it’ll shut you up.
Ophelia: YAY!!!!!
*fight commences...and ends almost immediately as Ophelia jumps on the monster and rides it to the where it just kind of kills itself*
Ophelia: Hey Quinn, can we keep him?
Quinn: ...it’s dead…
Ophelia. What?! No! I wanted a pet dragon ;_;
Quinn: ...but you already have a pet Dragon…
Ophelia: Oh, right, now I’m not so upset ^_^
Wh. Meepel: Can I kill one them, please ^_^?
P. Meepel: We’ll consider it once we finish saving the world...again…

*back at “camp”*
P. Meepel: Ok, so what’s next?
Nero: Based on these reports, looks like a giant eyeball named Catastrophe.  Seems to control gravity and seismic power.
P. Meepel: That seems annoying.
Nero: Don’t worry, with some finess, I can let you have some limited control over gravity in a way that will let you counter him if used properly!
P. Meepel: So...basically we’re going to cheat?
Nero: You said it, not me!
D. Meepel: With that out of the way, come! Let us do battle with our next evil opponent!
Aleph: Indeed! I am to here to fight alongside the lovely felines with my mighty gun!
W. Meepel: Where you come from, Aleph?
Aleph: Oh, I just got here, sorry I’m late, what did I miss?
P. Meepel: How do you casually just manage to get into this dimension when you weren’t with us to begin with?
Aleph: I...uh...tripped?
Mikh: You know, with all the other nonsense that goes on here, I think that’s about the best explanation we’re going to get.
P. Meepel: Agreed.

*Catastrophe*
Catastrophe: Ah! Eye see you!  Behold my glorious…
P. Meepel: Oh god, not this again.
Catastrophe: What?
P. Meepel: Look, I already fought a giant eyeball monster who was obsessed with eye puns when I did the crystal tower.  Can we just skip that and go straight into the fight itself?
Catastrophe: That seems reasonable.  BEHOLD MY MIGHTY EARTHQUAKE OF...why are you flying?
Mikh: I mean...you just said you were going to use an earthquake, hovering off the ground seems to be a wise idea.
Catastrophe: That’s not fair! Get down here! *uses 50Gs*
R. Meepel: Like, we can totally go back up whenever we want, see? *Hovers again*
Catastrophe: Eye said stop that! *50Gs*
S. Meepel: Yo no peinso. *Floats again*
Catastrophe: What if EYE FLIPPED YOU UP HIGH!
P. Meepel: ...ok *turns off floating powers*
Catastrophe: Damn it, stop foiling me!
P. Meepel: You could just stop announcing your attacks…
Catastrophe: But why would eye do that? Oh hell with it, GET THEM MY TENDRILS!
D. Meepel: I do not believe there is anyone who would fall for such a vile trick.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPT! *runs to a giant tentacle, gets massacred by a giant earthquake*
D. Meepel: ...excepting maybe Asher…
Ophelia: AAAAH! TENTACLES! SAVE ME QUINN!
Quinn: Why would...but I...god damn it Ophelia…
*this nonsense with mechanics goes on for a while, no actual progress is made*
Nero’s Voice: Hey, you may want to attack at some point rather than fooling around with him! We’re not getting any younger.
P. Meepel: Hey, I’m trying to avoid not dying by avoiding his moves, it’s called playing it safe!  That said, anyone have any ideas?
Aleph: Oh, I do! Hey big guy, I have a fun new trick.
Catastrophe: Do you now? WELL LET US SEE WHAT IT IS!
Aleph: Oh you’ll see it alright! *uses REASSEMBLED DRILL on Catastrophe right in the eye*
Catastrophe: OW! THAT HURT! THAT’S NOT EVEN SUPPOSE TO EXIST YET! *cue about 5 minutes of swearing, pain, suffering and eventually him keeling over and dying*
S. Meepel:  Eso parece innecesariamente cruel si es eficaz.
W. Meepel: Me know.  Aleph did good thing.  It rare.
S. Meepel: Esta cierto.
Aleph: Yeah, EYE saw what you did there!  Eye hope that wasn’t an eyeso-*gets hit by Paladin using Interject*
P. Meepel: No, stop.  We just established we aren’t doing that!  Anyway, let’s go back.

*at Camp*
Omega: Alpha Team wins again.  Never have I seen such pathetic display by such inferior beings.
P. Meepel: We’ve literally passed every single test you’ve thrown at us and with little difficulty.  I think you have a superiority complex.
Omega: I DO NOT HAVE ONE, you vile multi-colored haired black horned organic flesh bag!
R. Meepel: Look, if anyone is going to use a racist slur, it’s going to be Quinn, that’s totally her thing!
Quinn: Yeah, that’s totally...hey shut up!
Omega: I will defeat you with my next opponent which shall be…HALICARNASSUS!
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega: What do you mean that name means nothing?
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega: Because it’s from...oh...right, I take these things for granted.  Fine, I will give you data on the being so you know what you fear!
Alpha: Kweh?
Omega: I DID NOT JUST GIVE THEM THE SECRET TO DEFEATING HER! We will not meet again, red hatted one, for you will dead.
P. Meepel: At this point, I think dying might be more preferable to dealing with you…
Omega: I am ignoring that insult! GOOD DAY! *Omega leaves*
P. Meepel: Am I the only one who loathes him as much as I do?
D. Meepel: I feel disdain for him, but I feel you might be taking this too far…
P. Meepel: Frankly I feel it’s not far enough!
Salo’wen: OOOH! Do you finally have an eternal rival? YAY! MEEPEL TRULY IS A SUPER HERO!
P. Meepel: No, I wouldn’t call him th-...wait, Salo’wen? Where did you come from?
Chunyi: Well, we felt you could use some help fighting an alien robot so we decided to assist you.
P. Meepel: Yes, but I have multiple questions, all of which start with “how?”
Chunyi: Let’s just say the answer to the majority of them are “Salo’wen” in some form or other.
P. Meepel: That...probably makes more sense than it really should.
Nero: And while you were arguing about new allies, I was researching Halicarnasus!
Alpha: Kweh! *holding up some cookies for Nero*
Nero: No, that won’t be necessary.
Alpha: Kweh…*puts them away*
Nero: It seems Halicarnasus is from a fairy tale of sorts, and she’s somewhat of a narcissistic bitch.
R. Meepel: So like...she’s basically Quinn.
Nero: She also claims to be a queen.
R. Meepel: Yep, totally Quinn.
Quinn: Pfft, as if she could stand up to me.
Nero: It seems she’s also skilled in magic and likes to drink tea.
R. Meepel: Ok, she’s not Quinn.  Quinn’s TOTALLY not that good at magic.
Quinn: See? Told you she’s not-...HEY!
Cid: Yes, now that we have the intro out of the way, care to take care of the next challenge?
D. Meepel: WE ARE ALWAYS READY!

*Halicarnassus area*
Halicarnassus: Ah, the peasants have arrived.  Clearly you wish to awe at my beauty and be stepped on my greatness!
Ophelia: Yay! Red Mage is right! There’s two Quinns now!  I have two sisters, yay!
Quinn: If I could feed you to Zodiark, I would…
P. Meepel: Ok, so...let’s think of a gameplan for this fight...hey Aleph, wanna impress some catgirls?
Aleph: DO I EVER!?
P. Meepel: Wanna do what you did to Catastrophe to her?
Aleph: ...oh, well, you see, the thing is…
P. Meepel: Only one drill?
Aleph: Only one drill.
P. Meepel: *Sigh* Ok, anyone else have a plan?
William: Well, it seems these panels do something, which means we could use a guinea pig (which I refuse to heal), but no one is stupid enough to rush in and let us observe what kind of tactics she may em-...
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *Throws on a prom dress and runs forward*
William: ...I wish I could take credit for this strategy, but I was actually being not sarcastic for once.

*about 5 minutes of Asher getting beaten down by mechanics until he is launched out of the arena*
Mikh: That seemed unnecessarily painful.
P. Meepel: It’s Asher, he’ll be back alive and unhurt before the sentence is finished I’m sure.
Mikh: Well, yes, but doesn’t change the fact it probably hurt.
W. Meepel: Me think Susano did worse.
Halicarnassus: I WILL NOT BE OUTDONE BY SOME OTHER GOD! Clearly my destruction of him was far superior to anything else!
P. Meepel: We weren’t saying it was a contest…
Halicarnassus: Well you won’t be saying anything after I finish my FROG SONG!
P. Meepel: I...uh...think we should probably get out of the way of that attack…
Salo’wen: Anything Meepel says, I agree with!
William: If it means less healing, I’m game…
Mikh: Sure, why not.
Quinn: Meh, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.  I’ll prove I’m better than her anyway!

*Frog Song goes off, everyone dodges...except Quinn...who gets turned into a frog*
Quinn: Ribbit…
R. Meepel: Like, O. M. G!  She actually made Quinn prettier!
Quinn: *attempts to give Red Mage the finger with her webbed feet*
Ophelia: Yay! I now have a pet sister!
Quinn: …*jumps off the side of the arena hoping to die, survives since the drop was too small, mentally swears at Hydaelyn*
R. Meepel: Like...how long is Quinn going to be like that?
Halicarnassus: About 2 minutes then the effect wears off.  BUT ENOUGH OF THAT! NOW BEHOLD MY GLORIOUS COLORED PANELS! *Red, Green, and Blue panels appear*
P. Meepel: ...let me guess.  I stand on the blue, William stands on the Green, and everyone else stands on the Red.
Halicarnassus: AHA! THERE-...wait, how did you figure that out?
P. Meepel: You literally painted a Shield under the blue, a sword under the red, and a medical symbol under the green.  I think it’s pretty obvious how we do this.
Halicarnassus: ...knew I should have listened to Calofisteri about that...but enough talk! NOW TO DEAL WITH MY QUICKSAND POWER IN THIS PORTAL!
S. Meepel: Esto podría ser un problema…

*team gets sent to a quicksand room with a very obvious solution*
Mikh: So...I have a question for all of you…
P. Meepel: Please tell me you aren’t asking “how do we get out of this very obvious problem?”
Mikh: More like I question why she even gave us an exit to begin with rather than simply trapping us here, leaving us to die…
Chunyi: Well, I for one am too beautiful and innocent a maiden to die here.
P. Meepel: And I for one am confused at how you could make such a statement with a straight face…
Aleph: Yes, let us go to the exit! *Aleph jumps into the quicksand and attempts to swim to the exit.  Everyone else does things the right way, they all get there, albeit Aleph in the form of a nearly suffocated unconscious catboy*
Mikh: Why would he…
P. Meepel: He has a thing for catgirls, you can figure out the rest from there.
*They get back to the main arena*
Halicarnassus: Ah, a wonderful time to drink te-*sees everyone return, spits tea out* HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY TEA TIME!?  YOU WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!
P. Meepel: You mean dance around your squares in your attempts to kill us?
Halicarnassus: YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH SUCH MOCKERY!
Mikh: ...you know, that inspires me, mind if I take the entire fight from here?
P. Meepel: Sure, go ahead.
*Everyone but Mikh sits out*
Halicarnassus: Ah, you think you can take me? WELL BEHOLD MY QUAKE POWERS!?
*Mikh En-avants out of them*
Halicarnassus: How did yo dodge!? Very well, behold my frog squa-*Mikh stylishly flips and throws blades at Halicarnassus*

*cue about 10 minutes of Halicarnassus trying to kill Mikh, but she gracefully dodges all of the attacks with dances and such, until Halicarnassus just falls over dead*
Mikh: And that’s one less narcissist in the world!
P. Meepel: Mikh, if you have that kind of capabilities, why not do that in every fight?
Mikh: Not everyone is so in vain to so blatantly telegraph every move allowing me to literally dance around their attacks.
P. Meepel: What about the Manticore from the Drowning City?
Mikh: I said “vain”, not “stupid.”
D. Meepel: And thus another vile test completed! 
Nero’s Voice: Excellent, let’s get you back here…

*Back at camp*
Omega: It seems your scores are still the lowest I’ve ever seen.
Nero: According to my records, no one has ever gotten past tier 3...you literally sent me these records too!
Omega: LOWEST. SCORES. I”VE. EVER. SEEN! You are pathetic and should feel bad!
P. Meepel: And I think you need to just shut up and give us the next test.  Seriously, each of these fights are ridiculous.
Midgarsormr: And you wonder why I have a personal grudge against him…
P. Meepel: No, that part makes perfect sense and I’m completely on your side here.
D. Meepel: Personally, I was expecting real challenges but these are just abominations!  I shan’t be able to figure out what you’re going to do next.
Ophelia: OOH! I KNOW! I KNOW! It’s going to be a suit of armor who claims to control the power of the void with an absolutely terrible name who knows big awesome magic!  Oh, and he’s actually a giant tree too!
Omega: ...actually, that sounds like a fantastic idea! YOU WILL NOW FACE THE EVIL EX-DEATH!
P. Meepel: ...gee, THANKS for giving him ideas, Ophelia.  I just pray it didn’t take what you said absolutely at face value for the next fight.
Nero: Uh...it seems he...took every single thing Ophelia said literally...and that is 100% what you are going to fight.
P. Meepel: Gods damn it Ophelia...speaking of, did Asher and Quinn ever recover?
Asher: MY RECOVERY IS ABSOLUTE! NOTHING CAN STAND IN MY WAY NOW
Susano: Indeed! MY GLORIOUS RIVAL IS UNPHASED IN COMBAT! LET US RECONVENE FROM OUR LAST ENCOUNTER!
Asher: Eeepp…
Quinn: I was hoping you wouldn’t bring me up for once…
Chunyi: REally, why not?
Alpha: KWEEEEEH~! *jumps and tackles Quinn lovelingly, snuggling her*
Quinn: Because that…
P. Meepel: So Nero, any advice for this…”Ex-death”...
Nero: Kill it with fire.
P. Meepel: Anything that isn’t blatantly obvious?
Nero: Look, you simply asked me for advice on what to do, I gave you an answer.
P. Meepel: *sigh* Well, team, you know what to do!
William: Do we really?
P. Meepel: ...ok, rephrase.  Ok, team, I know what I’m doing, you can all figure out the rest later.
Mikh: That seems more accurate, yes.

*atop Dimension Castle again*
Exdeath: MWAHAHAHA.  Fear the power of the Void!
P. Meepel: Well, he’s...certainly a large suit of armor…
D. Meepel: And he does claim to control the power of the avoid.
R. Meepel: But Ophelia, like...said he was a tree or something…
S. Meepel: Eso no es importa, asi que matemoslo.
Exdeath: Behold my power.  *Starts charging a spell*
Mikh: So any ideas?
P. Meepel: Besides “I divert his attack, Williams pretends to heal, everyone just keeps poking him until he dies”?
Mikh: To put it bluntly, yes.
P. Meepel: Well, how about DODGING THE LIGHTNING BOLT HEADING STRAIGHT FOR US!
*everyone dodges the Thundaga*
Exdeath: Bahahaha! Witness but befalls those who stand before me! 
D. Meepel: Vile creature, I will not be intimidated by your kind. I will not let you stand to destroy all others!
P. Meepel: ...have fun, Dark Knight, I’ll sit this one out since you have this.
Exdeath: All hatred in the world is powerless against the Void!
D. Meepel: *powers up the Darkside* Then let us do this contest!  The power of Darkness against the Power of the Void!  JUSTICE AGAINST EVIL! HAVE AT THEE!
Exdeath: TURTLE!!!!!
Mikh: Everyone raise your hand if you are as confused as I am…
*Everyone but Ophelia and Asher raise their hand*
Mikh: Ok, do either of you understand this?
Asher: Understand what? I was simply waiting my turn to challenge Exdeath, it is the polite thing to do!
Mikh: And Ophelia?
Ophelia: Oh, I was just counting the bricks in the castle!
Mikh: Why?
Ophelia: Because he’s SOOOOO BORING!
D. Meepel: You are strong, but my justice shall prevail.  I HAVE TASTED DEFEAT BEFORE AND IT IS A BITTER TASTE! NOW I CRAVE VICTORY!
Exdeath: THERE WILL BE NO TASTY MORSELS FOR YOU IN THE AFTERLIFE!
Mikh: ...yeah, I’m done, I’m sitting this one out.
Salo’wen: Hey, you can’t do that!
Mikh: Why not?
Salo’wen: That’s Paladin Meepel’s trademark!  Only she’s allowed to quit and sit these things out! GET BACK UP AND HELP HER!
Mikh: *sigh* Fine, I’ll just dance partner with Asher or something.
Aleph: Why him? It’s not like he’s going to do anything meaningful.
Mikh: How is that different from anyone else in this group?
Aleph: Well, I have an idea to win this!
Mikh: And what’s that?
Aleph: *shoots Exdeath*
Exdeath: *Battling Dark Knight, stops for a moment* ...hold on a second, I need to handle something.
D. Meepel: Lo, what could be so important…
*Exdeath Firagas Aleph, leaving him cartoonishly burned*
Exdeath: Now, let’s get back to your utter demise in the Void!
D. Meepel: Darkness shall prevail.  OPEN YOUR HEART TO THE DARKNESS!
Exdeath: Nothingness...IS ETERNAL!
R. Meepel: Like, both of you, stop being heartless nobodies!

*some clashing later*
Exdeath: Very well, I shall show you the TRUE POWER OF THE VOID!
D. Meepel: What do you call the past 5 minutes?
Exdeath: TRUE. POWER. OF. THE. VOID!
*area changes completely*
Chunyi: Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t there one last part to Ophelia’s explanation that Omega decided to co-...*Exdeath turns into a giant tree* THERE IT IS!
Nero’s voice: It’s a tree, like I said, KILL IT WITH FIRE! ...yes I’m talking to you Quinn.
Quinn: Why me!?
Nero: Because you’re the Black Mage.
Quinn: Fine *starts charging some Fire spells, AoE circles appear below her*
William: Quinn, you probably should move or you’ll die…
Quinn: But if I move, I’ll be out of my leylines!
William: I am not healing you if you don’t move.
Mikh: Not sure how that’s different from the alternative…
Quinn: Look, I don’t move for anyone! As a healer, it’s your job to adjust!
*Quinn gets hit with a zombie breath attack*
Ophelia: Yay! I have an undead sister now!
P. Meepel: If other fights are anything to go off of, that state will wear off in about…
Quinn: FUCK YOU WILLIAM YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO ADJUST!
P. Meepel: ...now…
William: And how should I adjust to THAT!?
Chunyi: To be fair, any kind of healing William does qualifies as adjusting. 
Mikh: Yes, and our only other healer I ever see is a murderous psychopath bent on removing life more than saving it.
Wh. Meepel: ^_^
Mikh: So it’s not like any of us can heal in our current state…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *his Samurai icon turns green, suddenly healing people by slashing them, miraculously restoring health*
Mikh: ...I should be attempting to prompt these impossibilities more often…
D. Meepel: It seems this manifestation of emptiness in the form of vegetation will not succumb to my umbral powers so easily.  Anyone else have a suggestion?
Salo’wen: AAAAH! FLARE SPELLS! DODGE THEM!!!
D. Meepel: I concur!
*they dodge them*
D. Meepel: Ok, anyone have any ideas towards our key to victory?
W. Meepel: Me have idea, but it long shot.
D. Meepel: Oh? Pray tell your idea, enraged one!
W. Meepel: Me need try, probably won’t work.
D. Meepel: Be my guest, my furious sister!
W. Meepel: Ok.  Big tree, look here!
Exdeath: WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME!?
W. Meepel: Look, me have axe.
Exdeath: And why is that suppose to...wait, an axe!?
W. Meepel: Yes, here axe.
Exdeath: ...NO! I AM POWERLESS AGAINST IT!  SUCH A CRUEL FATE HAS COME TO ME! *Exdeath gets sucked up into his own void*
W. Meepel: Me surprise that work.
P. Meepel: Ok, I just got back and what the hell just happened, Warrior?
W. Meepel: Exdeath tree, me think he naturally scared of axe, so me try it.  Me not think it work, but it did.
P. Meepel: And what was your plan if it didn’t work?
W. Meepel: Axe to face still hurt much.
P. Meepel: ...touche.

*back at camp*
Omega: Ah, so you’ve surrendered your fight with Exdeath it seems? I KNEW YOU WOULD!
P. Meepel: You weren’t even watching, were you?  I don’t know how you could even come to that conclusion.
Omega: You dare question my judgment!?
P. Meepel: I question your grasp on reality, you scrap of metal.
Omega: Worthless fleshbag!
Alpha: KWEH!!!!
Omega: ...ok, fine, I’ll give them the victory.    Now you must deal with the next test, which you will in no way succeed!
Midgarsormr: Can you stop being that way for maybe 5 minutes and just be upfront and give us the test?  I figured being the ONE PERSON you ever showed respect to would be enough to get that...you stupid tin can.
Omega: Fine, you worthless scale faced aethersack! 
P. Meepel: Can I stab him yet, please?
Midgarsormr: Trust me, I know exactly how you feel, but its better to play his game, much as I hate to say it.
Omega: For your next test, you must deal with the next group of enemies I have summoned by scanning another world!
Nero: So...basically the same as what we just did before?
Omega: Yes, only this time, it shall be different!

*teleports team there*
Dadaluma: Mwaha.  Friends, we have no reason to fight! Let us extend a hand of decency to one another as we mark a time of peace!
D. Meepel: I’m all for everything he said, but for some reason, I cannot bring myself to trust him,
Cid’s Voice: That’s because everything he says is a lie.
P. Meepel: Well, that makes this easy!
*30 seconds later*
Omega: Now let us see how you-...what? The probability of your success is infinitesimal!  No one has ever beaten this team before.
Cid’s Voice: According to your own records, no one has ever TAKEN this test before.
Omega: Exactly as I have stated! No one has ever succeeded as this test before!  How did you finish so quickly?
Alpha: Kweh! *Holds up card with picture of meteors on it*
Ophelia: Yep! Alpha can do stuff with cards.  You should have seen what happens when he pulled the explosion card!
Quinn: We are not talking about THAT ok?
Omega: ...these parameters are acceptable, Test Subject Alpha.
P. Meepel: Look, just set up the next “champion” or whatever you call these things you throw at us, we’ll be waiting at camp.
Alpha: Kweh!

*back at camp*
Cid: So while you were gone, i did manage to set up the water boiler, and have plenty of coffee and tea to go with it.
P. Meepel: Sounds good, given we’re probably going to pull an all nighter.
Nero: And now to check your next opponent...you’ll have some down time so go back to Rhalgr’s reach for a bit.

*back at Rhalgr’s reach*
Jessie: Good news! I have got a little present for our new friend!
Alpha: Kweh!?
Jessie: *Runs up to Alpha, ruffles him, gets back and he’s now wearing a Garlond Ironworks outfit* Look! Our newest member! Isn’t it adorable.
Alpha: Kweh~!
P. Meepel: …
Jessie: What’s wrong?
P. Meepel: And where’s MY outfit!?
Jessie: Oh I uh...assumed you...already had one given how much you’ve been working with us?
P. Meepel: *Sigh* Let’s just go back ot Nero*

*Back in the Omegascape*
Nero: Oh you have got to be kidding me!
P. Meepel: What is it?
Nero: It says you’re supposed to fight a train.
P. Meepel: That’s some kind of metaphor, right?
Nero: No, according to these records, you’re supposed to fight the “Phantom Train”, which is, quite literally, a ghost train...as in a vehicle.
P. Meepel: Why in the twelves names would something like that exist?
Nero: It is apparently from another dimension and it brings dead souls to “the other side”...oh don’t give me that look, all I’m doing is reading it from the screen!
Alpha: Kweh! *holding up some crackers*
Nero: No, that won’t be necessary.

*at the fight, they’re fighting a literal train*
P. Meepel: Say, Nero, one question…
Nero’s Voice: Yes?
P. Meepel: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT A TRAIN!?
Nero’s Voice: OH be creative, you’ll figure it out.
P. Meepel: Oh, sure, it’s not like anyone else has any ideas, right?
Aleph: I have an idea! *shoots train, nothing happens* Well, I’m at a loss.
Quinn: Meh, not worth wasting Mana on that thing.
Ophelia: Oooh! Pretty lights!
Mikh: Something tells me we should probably brace for something painful.
Ophelia: PRETTY LIGHTS YAY!!! *Ophelia gets nuked by a saintly beam, is somehow still smiling despite the slight frying*
William: I could heal her...bit I think I’d rather dodge these ghosts coming towards us.
Chunyi: What ghosts?
*A bunch of ghosts suddenly show up*
W. Meepel: Nothing about fight makes sense.  Who design this?
S. Meepel: Omega esta muy loco.
*Phantom Train uses Acid Rain*
R. Meepel: I swear, if my hair gets ruined in this fight, I’m hitting Quinn with meteors.
Quinn: Wait, why me?
R. Meepel: Because you’re like totally there, duh!
Salo’wen: But that’s why you have your hat!
R. Meepel: Well, if it ruins my hat, I’m TOTALLY blaming that one on Quinn too.
Quinn: Keep this up, and that train will have a new passenger!
P. Meepel: Ok, the more important thing is we figure out how to PREVENT any of us from joining the train, and worry about stopping it’s journey.  Any ideas...besides shooting it fruitlessly and complaining about everything?
Wh. Meepel: Why would we stop it? It’s just trying to bring everything to its natural state, I for one say it should be allowed to do whatever it wants ^_^
P. Meepel: And that’s why I don’t ask for your opinion on such matters!
D. Meepel: Alas, sister, it does not seem there is any logical conclusion to this fight.  Twould be easier if someone could simply throw the train off its tracks, causing a chain reaction that would give us the instantaneous victory…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
*throws off all clothes except for his underwear, jumps in front of the train, and applies a legendary meme to it*
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: …
W. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: …
S. Meepel: ...
Quinn: …
William: …
Mikh: …
Chunyi: …
Salo’wen: ...
Aleph: Hey guys, I’m back from being grabbed by a ghost, what did I mi-*sees the train* ...oh, we won.
Ophelia: Oh, yay! I WANT TO TRY THAT TOO!
P. Meepel: NO! We are NOT breaking the laws of physics via nudity again. It’s bad enough Asher does that, let’s just take the win and move on.

*back at camp*
Nero: Glad to see you won, I knew you could do it.
P. Meepel: Yes, now let us never speak of that again.
Nero: Agreed.  So your next opponent apparently is a demon in a painting named “Chadarnook.”
P. Meepel: Possessed painting? That’s...relatively normal considering what we just fought.
Nero: Yes, it seems he fights you with paint, so I have devised the ultimate invention to take him on.
P. Meepel: Oh, and what is that?
Nero: Why, THIS GIANT PAINT BRUSH MADE FROM CHOCOBO FEATHERS!
*crickets*
Nero: ...look, just use paint and use it on the proper things and it’ll make sense there.  Also, it seems I’m out of tea…
Alpha: Kweh! *goes over to the coffee pot to make some*
P. Meepel: Well then, everyone, let’s go!

*against Chadarnook*
Chadarnook: The Goddess in the painting is mine, YOU CAN’T HAVE HER!
Mikh: Did anyone mention anything about taking her?
Salo’wen: The only Goddess I need is Meepel!
Chadarnook: I WILL NOT LET YOU HAVE HER!
*cue fight with lots of paint, elemental attacks and other things I’m too lazy to describe*
P. Meepel: Ok, this has been sane, other than Asher going crazy with the paintbrush over there…
D. Meepel: I wonder if he missed his calling as an artist…
P. Meepel: Couldn’t you also say Asher may have missed his calling as a stapler?
D. Meepel: Mean as that is, I am reluctant to disagree with that statement.
Mikh: So...has anyone noticed that Goddess in the clouds taking pot shots at us?
Quinn: Meh, I’m prettier than her, so I didn’t bother paying attention *Quinn gets blasted by said goddess* OW HEY!
William: I could heal that, but then you wouldn’t learn from your mistakes.
Quinn: And what mistake is that?
William: That you shouldn’t take damage!
Mikh: We should probably think of some way to stop her from doing that more to-*Mikh gets blasted* DAMN IT! STOP THAT!
Ophelia: Oh! I know what to do!
P. Meepel: I already don’t like where this is going…

*Ophelia jumps out and comes back in with Pom poms*
Ophelia: LET’S GO TEAM! RA RA TEAM GO TEAM!
P. Meepel: Ophelia, what in Hydaelyn’s name are you doing?
Ophelia: Oh, well, since the Goddess is clearly helping him by cheering him on, I figured I’d even the odds by doing the same!
P. Meepel: Yes, but...why are you completely naked?
Ophelia: Well, she’s naked, so I figured it was natural for cheerleaders to dress this way.
*Meepel applies incredibly loud facepalm*

*Meanwhile, on The First*
Crystal Exarch: Now, let’s see, how to summon others from wor-*massive smacking sound is heard* ...what in the name of all Sin Eaters was that!?

*Back in the fight*
Chunyi: Look, I get her enthusiasm, but if you wanted some effeminate encouragement, you clearly should have asked a female Bard, if you know what I mean.
P. Meepel: First off, I didn’t ask, and secondly, I don’t need to ask the one female Bard for encouragement as is, given she’s basically doing nothing but cheerleading for me anyway…
Salo’wen: Give me an M! Give me an E! Give me another E! Give me a P!
P. Meepel: ...admittedly at least she knows to keep her clothes on…
Chunyi: Hey, I’m a Bard too and you didn’t ask me.
Mikh: You said “Female Bard” though and I’m certain we only have one of those.
Chadarnook: You dare ignore me and THE GODDESS!? I WILL DESTROY YOU!
P. Meepel: Oh, right, evil possessed painting, we probably should kill that. 
*one uneventful fight later, while a naked Ophelia cheers them on*
D. Meepel: Excellent, another vile fiend down.  And Ophelia, about your performance...
Ophelia: You noticed, yay it was so good right?!
D. Meepel: Please put your clothes on! It is undignified for someone such as yourself to run around like that!
Ophelia: BUt Asher runs around naked all the time!
P. Meepel: Which is all the proof you need that you shouldn’t be running around naked!

[Meeplelard]

Season 2 Episode 2 Omega 2 (Cont.)


*trip back to base*
Nero: Excellent, I’ve been reading up on your next opponent, the Guardian and it seems kind of...straight forward.
P. Meepel: Straight forward how?
Nero:  Well, it’s just a giant machine that shoots lasers and missiles, and has various modes.
P. Meepel: So something I’ve beaten plenty of times before and really not worth wasting any of our times on?  Is there anyway we can just skip it?
Nero: Hmm...let’s see.  If I press this, and do that, and write this code and...huh…
P. Meepel: What did you do?
Cid: Judging by what it says on screen, it seems Nero has literally deleted the data of the fight from its databanks.
P. Meepel: Meaning…
Cid: Well, based on this info, you can skip and go right to the next one!
P. Meepel: Awesome...can you do that with the next one to so we can just go right to Omega himself?
Nero: Well let’s see, if I try the same thing it...just tells me “no.”
P. Meepel: What?
Nero: Seriously.  I was worried about this.  The next opponent is named “Kefka” and it seems nothing even makes sense with him.
P. Meepel: How bad can it be?
Nero: He’s an evil nihilistic clown that gained the power of the gods and apparently destroyed a world.
P. Meepel: ...I should be thankful he’s not on this world…
Nero: And something about him is...off...I think I’m going to have monitor his every action and try to relay how to approach him.
P. Meepel: What do you mean by that?
Nero: If I knew, I’d tell you! But for now, we’re just going to have to deal with this problem!
P. Meepel: *sigh* Well, off I go, I suppose.
*Meepel’s team leaves*
Alpha: Kweh!
Nero: Ah, yes, thank you for the tea.
*Nero drinks some, spits it out*
Nero: What the...WHY DID YOU MAKE TEA WITH SALT WATER!?
NOTE: That actually happens in-game.

*at the Kefka fight*
Kefka: Uwhehehe, welcome friends, I have prepared some suitable entertainment for you!
P. Meepel: Friends? We literally just met you.
Kefka: Such absolute power in the universe, you are like mere cockroaches before me.  Behold!
*Kefka magically picks up Asher and Aleph, and throws them off the side*
S. Meepel: Quiero decir, mataste a Asher y Aleph... no estoy seguro de lo que está tratando de probar.
Kefka: I will destroy it all! Why create when things are bound to be destroyed anyway?  Think about how meaningless your lives are?
Mikh: Does anybody understand where he’s going with this?
Wh. Meepel: I do ^_^
P. Meepel: Ok, anyone who has the slightest touch of reality understand what he’s saying?
Asher: I SHALL ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND HIM!  *ahem* What are you trying to say?
Kefka: I could have sworn I killed you!
Asher: TRUE MANLINESS CANNOT DIE!
Susano: SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE WARRIOR!
*Susano drags Asher off for another “duel”*
Kefka: Well, have the rest of you found that thing that just won’t die?
P. Meepel: I mean...Asher is right there…
D. Meepel: Aleph seems incapable of dying permanently too…
W. Meepel: Me think Hydaelyn don’t die...
R. Meepel: Like, Quinn’s ego, totally.
S. Meepel: Los Primals también parecen inasequibles...
Mikh: I guess Azim and Nhaama could qualify too…
Quinn: Ophelia...unfortunately…and yes I’ve tried...
William: People who don’t stand in attacks typically don’t die!
Salo’wen: Meepel! SHE’S INVINCIBLE!!!!
Chunyi: My undying effeminate wiles!
Aleph: *from below the pit, half dead* mi’qote...beauty…
Ophelia: LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND FRIENDSHIP AND COOKIES!
Kefka: Damn it! You all sound like chapters from a self help booklet!
P. Meepel: What self help booklets have you been reading?
Kefka: Enough of this! For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear!
Nero’s Voice: JUST FIGHT HIM ALREADY GEEZ!
P. Meepel: You heard the disembodied voice of the self-proclaimed mad genius!
*Bunch of AoEs appear, team dodges no problem*
D. Meepel: I thought Nero informed us this fight would be very different from the normal.
P. Meepel: You’re right, so far nothing different has happened.
*Bunch of AoEs with question marks appear*
Nero: Everyone against all logic and reason, STAND IN THE BIG GLOWY SPOTS.
P. Meepel: Are you TRYING to get us killed?
Nero: No, that’s exactly why I’m telling you to do that…
D. Meepel: Sister, I think he may be onto something, let us humor him.
P. Meepel: Well nothing else here makes sense, and just add it to the list of “reasons I am going to murder this alien robot”.
Quinn: yeah, well, you can’t tell me what to do!
Ophelia: Ooh, pretty question marks!
*everyone but Quinn dodges, Quinn gets electrocuted, making her hair spike out ala static electricity*
R. Meepel: To be fair, that is totally an improvement.
Nero: Ok, exactly as I predicted!  When the question mark appears, DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WOULD NORMALLY DO!
Kefka: Awww, you figured me out, uwhhehehe, well I have a back up plan.  COME MY STATUE!
P. Meepel: Just what kind of threat can a statue-*looks at the skyscraper sized statue that came out of nowhere*...bring...
D. Meepel: Considering what we’ve been through this far, sister, I would say you brought that one upon yourself.
P. Meepel: I swear, some days Hydaelyn just uses me as entertainment as opposed to her champion…
*some dodging of big fists from the statue later*
Kefka: Let’s try something new!
P. Meepel: Can you wait a second?  I need a moment to catch my breath…
Kefka: Wait, she says? DO I LOOK LIKE A WATER!?
*phase 2 begins*
Mikh: Why do I get the distinct feeling this time we will be fighting magic laser beams?
P. Meepel: I dunno, why do you?
Aleph: AHA! I HAVE CLIMBED BACK UP! BE GONE VILE CL-*Aleph gets blasted by a laser beam from the statue*
P. Meepel: ...good call…
*some more madness later, Kefka brings up the 3rd tier*
Kefka: How do you like my new statue? Look at it? Look away from it!? WHICHEVER WILL IT BE!
Quinn: I hate the statue...a lot...
Ophelia: LOVE THE STATUE! LOVE IT!!
Nero: If I had to guess...listen to Ophelia here?
D. Meepel: I believe that means everyone look at it!
*mechanic avoided...except Quinn*
Nero: This time...you should listen to Quinn…
*Mechanic avoided...except Ophelia*
P. Meepel: I feel like we’re still not getting anywhere…
W. Meepel: Me think we need person crazy like Kefka…
Mikh: Yes, but Asher was already taken away by Susano…
Chunyi: Well, there’s more than one way to be crazy...do we know anyone like that who hasn’t already been incinerated by lasers *Chunyi says eyeing the singed form of Aleph saying “Catgirls…”*
R. Meepel: Yeah, it’d be totally easier if we like...had someone who loves going postal on people…
P. Meepel: …
D. Meepel: …
W. Meepel: …
R. Meepel: Like, did I say something?
P. Meepel: Red Mage, you mad genius! We do have someone like that! *ahem* Hey White Mage!
Wh. Meepel: Yes ^_^?
P. Meepel: That Clown over there thinks he’s better at murdering things than you are...what do you say to that?
Wh. Meepel: I say I need to prove him wrong ^_^
Kefka: Oh, you think you can do better than me?
Wh. Meepel: Yep ^_^
Kefka: And what makes you think you are better than me at destruction?
Wh. Meepel: Everything ^_^
P. Meepel: It is at this point I would advise everyone BACK AWAY SLOWLY from this situation!
Kefka: Well, perhaps we should have a contest about that.
Wh. Meepel: Sounds good! Hey Omega, can we change this to a contest of homicide to determine who wins this ^_^?
Omega: Very well, I will transport you both to your own locations of which you have no chance of winning against my creation, and the one who kills more shall be victorious.
Wh. Meepel: YAY ^_^!

*cue what is basically a musou game scenario on both sides*
Omega: It seems Kefka has a score of of 100% kills, excellent.  There is no point in checking the score of the opponent.
Nero: That’s not how this works, at least tell us what White Mage got.
Omega: Fine, she got...200%...but how is that even possible?
Wh. Meepel: Oh I wasn’t happy enough killing all those things just once, so I revived each of them and killed them again ^_^
Omega: ...it would I wasn’t clear on my rules, and she found a loophole.  Very well, you have passed the Kefka protocol.
P. Meepel: Well done, White Mage!

*back at base*
Nero: Well it seems we’ve passed the Sigmascape…
P. Meepel: The what?
Nero: The Sigmascape, that’s what this was called, with the previous one being the Deltascape.
P. Meepel: When were you going to tell us this?
Nero: I did...multiple times...you were too busy arguing with your companions about this…
Alpha: Kweh?
Omega: I refuse to lose on such terms.
Alpha: KWEH!
P. Meepel: Sore loser much?
Omega: Silence! FOr that insolence, I WILL CAPTURE AND DESTROY YOU ON THE SPOT!
Alpha: Kweh?!?!!?
P. Meepel: Wait wh-*Meepel gets shoved in a giant electrosphere and dragged up*
Alpha: KWEH!!!! *gets a Frog card, and tries to save Meepel by smashing into it after turning into a frog, no success*
Ophelia: Awww, it’s ok Alpha, at least you tried.
Alpha: Kweh…
Midgarsormr: Oh damn it, even now you’re pulling this crap?  *Sigh* I’ve had enough of this.  You can insult me all you want, but I will not let you hurt my friends so.
Omega: And what can you do about it in THAT form you scale faced inferior organic?
*Midgarsormr disappears, breaks dimensional reality, and appears in his true form*
Midgarsormr: How about this!?
Omega: Well, this was an unpredictable outcome…
*Midgarsormr destroys the sphere, saves Meepel, but injures himself in the process*
Omega: HA! I have finally beaten my greatest foe! But it seems I must go back and prepare the last few tests for you, for I myself am not ready.
P. Meepel: Cowardly piece of scrap metal.
Omega’s Voice: I HEARD THAT!
D. Meepel: Midgarsormr, no! You cannot die, please tell me you’re alright?
Midgarsormr: Alas, I am afraid I have expended myself.  My body may live on at least, so you can still have me around in some form, be it through minion or mount, but this is where our conversations end.
P. Meepel: Don’t worry, Middgy, I’ll make sure that alien robot dies personally, and I’ll hate him twice as much for the both of us!
Midgarsormr: Yes, thank you...now I must leave, farewell my friend.
Cid: Well, this suddenly escalated fast…

*sometime later*
P. Meepel: So, has Omega figured anything new out?
Nero: According to my records...no.  He’s been in a perpetual state of chaos since that last encounter…
Omega: I HEARD THAT! ...and you just inspired an idea for your next challenge! I happened to know of a world with a Chaos you can fight!
Alpha: Kweh!
Nero: Yes, yes, that one is on me.  Well, now I have data on him.
P. Meepel: Good, what can you tell us about him?
Nero: He’s...a demon.  Just…a giant demon.  You know Sephirot?
P. Meepel: You mean one of the Warring Triad? What about him?
Nero: Imagine him, but brown and can wield Fire, Water, Wind and Earth, and you have a good idea what you’re against.
P. Meepel: Sounds awfully simplistic for a being named “Chaos.”
Nero: Hey, I don’t make the rules, I simply just read them!  So let’s just beat him and get one step closer to finishing saving our world from the crazy alien robot.
P. Meepel: Don’t have to tell me twice.

*Chaos arena*
Chaos: Aha! Yes, now the cycle has been complete.
P. Meepel: Oh great, ANOTHER monster that we have no idea what they’re talking about.
Chaos: Having been defeated in the future, I was sent back here.  From here, I send the fiends forward to disrupt the crystals, in preparation for my future self.
D. Meepel: I think he must be talking about his vile deeds in his homeworld, since none of that remotely happened here…
Chaos: And thus when they come towards me, they send my defeated self back to the past, thereby completing the time loop!
R. Meepel: Like, what time loop? That’s not a thing!
P. Meepel: Actually, Red Mage...we did deal with ONE Time Loop back in Alexander, but I’d rather not talk about that.
Mikh: How bad can it be?
P. Meepel: Let’s just say it involved the illuminati, some engineers, a cat, and fighting a sacred robot inside of himself while he summons himself...inside himself…
Mikh: *massive sign* Why…
P. Meepel: Why what? The time loop, the cat, or the robot?
Mikh: Yes, to all of that.  I’m not sure it’s possible to understand that…
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *Puts on brainy specs and summons a massive library that he starts researching*
Chaos: Yes, and now you must face me a second time.  For I, Chaos, SHALL KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!
P. Meepel: ...no, just...no…
Chaos: No what? Do you doubt my ability to do so?
P. Meepel: No, just...well...your threat doesn’t...really...work…
Chaos: What do you mean by that?!?
R. Meepel: Like, with a name like “Chaos”, saying “I WILL KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!” totally doesn’t fit your style. 
W. Meepel: Me not know any name fit.
Ophelia: Oh! I know! I know a name that works! He could use “Garland!” Yep! Garland totally would knock people down!
Chunyi: That is a super specific name to choose for such a line...
Chaos: Enough of this! WE SHALL ENGAGE IN THE PERMANENT CYCLE OF BATTLE!
P. Meepel: *sigh* Look, I’m really not up to this whole “fighting forever and never ending” thing you keep talking about, can we just kind of go straight to the part where you just sort of die and we move on?  That’d save a lot of time and effort.
Chaos: No! We shall fight! For you see...I AM IMPORTANT IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF EVERYTHING!
*Chaos explodes*
P. Meepel: ...that works too...

*Back at camp*
P. Meepel: So...what exactly happened there?
Nero: Looks like Omega’s system was glitched and he sort of just exploded...
P. Meepel: Looks like he’s starting to get quite rusty in his skills!
D. Meepel: Look, sister, you are not Natia, please don’t try to be her.
P. Meepel: What do you-...oh...by the twelve...anyone ok with me blaming this one on Omega as well?
*everyone nods in agreement*
Alpha: Kweh!!!!
*Tackles Quinn*
Quinn: Look, I’m alright, ok? You don’t have to tackle me every time we get out of a fight. 
Ophelia: oooh! Quinn, you’re starting to like him, yay!!!!!
Quinn: Please stop…
P. Meepel: Hey, Omega, I know you’re listening, so let’s cut the crap and just fight me like the piece of junk that you are!  I know you’re planning on having me fight something that, let’s face it by now you know I’m just going to beat in some form or other, so let’s just do this now.
Omega: I refuse to accept this! The rules state you have one more challenge you must overcome.  For next you will face your very own friend, THE MIDGARSORMR! MY GREATEST FOE! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT!?
P. Meepel: I hate you and am looking forward to finally stabbing in the metaphorical throat. 
Mikh: Well, maybe there’s a way to avoid this, anyone have ideas?
Alpha: Kweh!
Asher: Aha! Yes! It seems he has an idea! SHOW US THE GREAT AND MIGHTY MEANS TO HANDLE THIS AND I WILL FLEX IN THE BACKGROUND TO DISTRACT OMEGA!
*Asher starts flexing in front of a very confused Omega eye*
Cid: Well, it seems our deformed friend has something.  Tell us, Alpha, what do you intend to use?
*Alpha pulls out a card that looks a lot like an Uno Skip card*
Cid: I fail to see how that will help us, but let’s humor him.
Alpha: Kweh!!! *activates card*
Nero: ...the heck? It says the stage is completed and we can move on.  Warrior of Light, when did you…
P. Meepel: I didn’t...I think Alpha actually just saved us time.
Omega: What!? You used that Skip card!? Damn it, you were suppose to use that EARLIER so to force them to actually deal with higher level threats.
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega: Why no, I didn’t notice you hadn’t used it yet.  I just assumed that’s how you go past the Guardian!
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega; What do you mean it’s my fault for not paying attention!?  Well enough of that, time for me to kill you all personally! I have enough data!  I shall wait for you at the chosen place at the chosen time! *Omega leaves*

Cid: So…we have been researching Omega and we do at least have data on his fight directly.
Nero: Yes, in his fight with Shinryu, it seems the Lightning attack was the most effective one of all of Shinryus moves.
Cid: And thus, Nero and myself, along with the help of Biggs and Wedge, have created this device that should let you harness lightning! It won’t hurt Omega directly, but should stand as a counter measure against his moves.  We also just happen to have made enough for each of yoy to use.
P. Meepel: Sounds awfully convenient but I’m not complaining.
D. Meepel: Come, let us punish this foul automaton and purge the world of its evil ways!
Mikh: Sure, what she said…

*at the Omega fight*
P. Meepel: So, Omega, finally showing your true self are you?
Omega: In a sense, yes, and this is why you stand no chance, blood bag!
P. Meepel: Circuit casket.
Omega: Bone box!
Salo’wen: Yay! YOU GET ‘EM, MEEPEL!
P. Meepel: Quiet Salo’wen! Anyway, scrapyard bait!
Omega: BLACKHORN!
P. Meepel: Ok, that does it! The insults are bad enough, but now you’re throwing racist insults at me!
R. Meepel: Yeah, only Quinn’s allowed to do that, so I can make fun of her for it!
Quinn: ...and here I was about to call you the same thing anyway.
W. Meepel: Me smell chicken, anyone know why?
Mikh: yeah, I smell it too, what’s going on?
*the “sane” people look and seeing Ophelia, William, and Asher cooking*
P. Meepel: What are you three doing?
William: Chicken tenders.
Ophelia: Getting ready to fry!
P. Meepel: I’m not sure what I was expecting…
Omega: Oh, I’ll fry you! *Fires off a flamethrower, everyone gets slightly burned*
Mikh: Rude.
Ophelia: HE BURNED THE CHICKEN ;_;
Asher: NO! MY MANLY DINNER! *grabs Katana* YOU SHALL AVENGED MY POULTRY!
Omega: You are Alpha, I am Omega!  KNOW YOUR PLACE!
Alpha: Kweh!!!!
Omega: I don’t care if you’re offended!
Alpha: Kweeeeeeh!
Omega: Enough of this! Charging Starboard Cannon!
P. Meepel: Wait, Starboard? Doesn’t that mean...EVERYONE TO THE LEFT!
Quinn: I don’t trust you!  Why would that mean-*gets blasted by lasers because she stood on the right*
Omega: Following up with Larboard cannon activation!
P. Meepel: I think we all know what to do!
Quinn: I still don’t buy it, you got luck-*same exact result happens*
R. Meepel: Like, we tried to warn you, Quinn! You have nothing to blame but yourself.
Omega: Activating ROCKET PUNCH attack!
*bunch of fists appear out of nowhere*
Aleph: Don’t worry, I got this!
P. Meepel: You’re just going to shoot them and nothing is going to happen, aren’t you?
Aleph: Actually, I was going to try this lightning move that Cid gave us and *explodes a few fists*
S. Meepel: Eso parecía efectivo.  ¡Todos, hagan lo mismo que él!
*everyone blows up rocket fists, except William who is busy trying to fix the burned meat, gets punched off the stage*
P. Meepel: Seriously, WHY WE WERE COOKING CHICKEN TENDERS!?
W. Meepel: At least no one explode…
*Omega Mustard Bombs Asher, who survives because somehow Samurai is a tank job now*
Mikh: That was also rude.
Omega: New parameters required.  Starting up Ultimate Laser attack.  Target to be incinerated in 30 seconds!
P. Meepel: So...this barrier item appeared and we need to charge it...I don’t think we have enough lightning to do so.
Chunyi: Would be nice if we had some sort of access to a god who is capable of using Lightning but I don’t think anyone could summon that at a moment’s notice.
Asher: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! *throws off shirt* SUSANO! I DEMAND A REMATCH WITH MY GLORIOUS PECS!
Susano: INDEED SO WE SHALL HAVE IT! *fires lightning bolts at Asher, hitting him and the device powering it up, creating a barrier protecting the team*
Omega: Outcome unexpected, but within margin of error.  Proceeding as normal.
P. Meepel: Just what kind of “Margin of Error” do you have to account for someone to-...you know what, I’m just going to stop; takes too much energy to ask and even think about that question.  Let’s just kill the damn thing!
*one big fight later with catchy music involved*
Omega: ERROR! ERROR! Impossible outcome! Cue shutdown sequence activated!
P. Meepel: Good, and it’s finally done...stupid hunk of scrap that I hope we never see again.
Omega: I’m not dead! In fact, I was prepared for this impossible outcome.  CUE DELETION SEQUENCE OF ALL EXCEPT ALPHA!
Cid: I don’t like where this is going…

*cue sequence where everyone is deleted except Alpha, he runs to an arena in the middle of space to confront Omega*
Omega: Ah, Subject Alpha, now you see how making friends is pointless.  I told you they weren’t up to your standards.
Alpha: Kweh *stands firm despite being tired*
Omega: Oh, you stand against me? Ha, I created you, I can destroy you easily, but if you wish to die, so be it.
Alpha: Kweh…
P. Meepel: Good thing he’s not alone!
*The entire team, including Cid and Nero, jump out of Alpha shrunken, and resize*
Omega: WHAT!?
Cid: Well played Alpha.  I know it was hard and tiring, but you acted hopeless enough and your resize card was perfect for this.
Omega: Oh to hell with this.  I have found out the true strength involved to take you down.
P. Meepel: You’re seriously still fighting?  We literally beat you.
Omega: Activating metamorphosis!
*Omega transforms into a liquid metal bishie*
Omega-M: I shall take on your form, and use your own strength against you! I have combined the form of na organic with the superiority of my cybernetics strength, you stand no chance against me.
P. Meepel: COME AT ME!
*the team starts fighting Omega-M, until mid-fight*
Omega-M: Recalibrating.  Adjusting parameters, shifting Gender…
*turns into a woman*
Omega-F: Now in the ideal form of the other side of organics, I shall show you true strength!
Chunyi: I dunno, can you really call yourself “ideal” of the female form when I myself am a model example of female beauty?
P. Meepel: You have a very weird definition of “Female beauty”, sir.
Chunyi: What, you act like I’m some sort of masculine guy.
D. Meepel: Well, you are 2nd to Asher in that respect among us.
Quinn: And to think she can claim to be prettier than myself? How did she not base it off me? OH SHE WILL PAY FOR THAT INSULT AS WELL AS WHAT SHE DID TO ALPHA!
Ophelia: yay! Let’s protect Alpha together!
Alpha: Kweh! *cheers on Quinn*
Mikh: Should we just keep attacking?
Chunyi: Did we ever stop?
Mikh: I suppose not…
*Some more fighting and explosions and lasers such later, with Omega shifting between Male and Female form*
Omega-M: Well, it seems I was mistaken.  Your power doesn’t come from your form…
P. Meepel: I could have told you that…
Omega-M: Your power comes from your ability to work as one! As such, I will replicate that!
*Omega splits into both Female and Male versions*
Omega-M: And now I will show you true power!
P. Meepel: Ok, I’ve had enough of your crap, Omega.  The Male form is mine!  Everyone else, just keep the female one off me.  I’m dealing with this by myself.
D. Meepel: Yes, sister! Let us do this together.
P. Meepel: Did you not hear me, Dark Knight? I am doing this ALONE.  It’s me vs. him! ONLY ME! None of you butt-in.
W. Meepel: Me think we stay out.
R. Meepel: Like have fun Paladin!
Mikh: We’ll just...go fight...the female one then…
Omega-F: Hmm...good more playthings for me!
Omega-M: Then let us settle this once and for all, you damned self-proclaimed heroic fleshworm!
P. Meepel: Bring it on, liquid jerk!
*Paladin and Omega-M engage in epic duel while everyone else fights off Omega-F.  Omega-M knocks away Paladin’s weapons*
Omega-M: HA! I am victorious.  Submit defe-*a tomahawk goes right at his head* What the…
*Paladin standing there holding Warrior’s axe*
P. Meepel: Like I said, I AM NOT LOSING AGAINST YOU! Have at you.
W. Meepel: Wait, when Paladin take axe?
*Paladin fights with Warrior’s axe, eventually just kicking the axe into Omega-M’s chest*
Omega-M: You lost yet another weapon in an attempt to slay me, your strategy has fai-*Paladin slices through dual wielding a Katana and a rapier*
R. Meepel: Like, O. M. G.  She’s using both mine and Samurai’s weapons! That’s totally hardcore.
Omega-M: These parameters suggest you’re cheating.
P. Meepel: They also suggest I’m winning!

*grabs Dark Knight’s Cronus Lux and plunges it into Omega-M, meanwhile, with Omega-F…*
Omega-F: You will not stand against me, foolish mortal beings of mortality.
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega-F: Quiet about it’s redundancy!
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega-F: I so-to can defeat them!
Alpha: Kweh!
Omega-F: You claim friendship with the white horned one over there, how would like it if you die!
Asher: Kweh!
Omega-F: You stay out of this, catboy!
Ophelia: Kupo!!!
Mikh: Why?
Ophelia: I dunno, just felt like changing things up!
Quinn: Look, if nothing else, killing you will both shut you up, and make Alpha happy, so…
Salo’wen: And the faster we kill her, faster we get to watch Meepel’s epic duel!

*back at the duel*
Omega-M: BEHOLD MY OPTIMIZED BLADE DANCE!
P. Meepel: Holmgang!
W. Meepel: When she get axe again?
D. Meepel: I think our sister has reached a level of anger making it impossible for us to keep up…
R. Meepel: And now she’s using my Vercure to heal back.
S. Meepel: Esto no tiene sentido…
P. Meepel: And now to finish this!
*Does some epic move using all the weapons slicing Omega-M up*
Omega-M: This...can’t...be…
P. Meepel: That felt so cathartic...how’s the female doing?

*P. Meepel sees a Meteor fall in the distance*
P. Meepel: That could either be a really good thing or a really bad…
*Distant “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED” is heard followed by explosions, a flamethrower and other particle effects off-screen, with Omega-F screaming in pain*
D. Meepel: ...I think they won…

*after all the dust settled, Omega-F is down and on her knees*
Omega-F: How can we have failed? OUr calculations suggest everything should be in our favor.
Cid: Did you ever actually try measuring emotions and factoring that into this?
Omega-F: Emotions? What are those?
P. Meepel: You mean you’ve been insulting me and getting into anger spats and yet you have no idea what emotions are? And you expected to WIN!?  Explain why you did all this again?
Omega-F: I needed to get data to repair myself.  Only by fighting strong opponents did I believe I could repair my memory in order to get back home, but it seems that can never be, for my body is spent.  It was my miscalculations that beat us.
P. Meepel: ...you know you could have just asked for help from people of this planet, and maybe have taken less drastic “World Threatening” measures with far better results…
Omega-F: ...that would have been the wiser course of action, but as I said, my memory banks were in fact damaged.  Perhaps my logic drive was too…and with that I must go *fades away*

P. Meepel: So how are we getting out of here?
*Hraesvelgr appears out of nowhere*
Hraesvelgr: I can handle that! Everyone on board!
Alpha: Kweh?
P. Meepel: He’s a friend, don’t worry, even if I question how and why he got here so fast…
Hraesvelgr: I will answer that as soon as we get outside!


*outside*
Hraesvelgr: So I heard dad died and figured those he was helping might need help, and givn us First Brooders can basically do whatever we want…
P. Meepel: You don’t seem particularly upset that Midgarsormr is dead, despite being your father that you respected so much that you were willing to go kill your brother over…
Hraesvelgr: Well, normally I would be, but in his case, he tends to die once every few millenium.  Give him a century or two, and he’ll be better....
Mikh: You make it sound so non-chalant.
Hraesvelgr: Hey it’s not-...oh, right, to non-dragons, a century is a very long time, keep forgetting that.  In any event, I bid you farewell, hero!
*Hraesvelgr leaves*

Cid: So...we solved the Omega problem, saved the world, and have a new member of the Garlond Ironworks!
Alpha: Kweh!!!
Cid: And I have to say, you did good too, Nero...wait, where did Nero go?
Jessie: Oh! Master Cid! I have a message from Nero! He left this for you before he had to go.
Cid: Really? Well let’s see…
Nero’s Letter: Dear Cid.  You suck.  Also I’m leaving my expenses for you to pay, courtesy of me.  Just remember that I’m better than you.  Your rival, Nero tol Scaeva.
Cid: THAT RIPE BASTARD! WHY WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON HIM HE’LL WISH HE WERE DEALING WITH TITAN HIMSELF!
P. Meepel: So...ignoring Cid’s anger, I have to ask a simple question.
Jessie: What’s that?
P. Meepel: What in the name of the Azemnya is THAT thing right there?
*Meepel points at a miniature Omega standing behind Alpha*
Wedge: Oh, this just kind of showed up shortly before you did.  It seems to be related to Omega somehow, and seems to be autonomous, but harmless...also seems to really like Alpha.
Alpha: Kweh!
Ophelia: Yay! Alpha has a pet now!
Biggs: Speaking of, what should Alpha do now that we have destroyed its master.
Alpha: Kweh!
Jessie: Looks like he wants to go on an adventure.
Alpha: Kweh! *him and Omega run up a hill, and looks at the team* Kweh!
Translated: Thanks everyone, I’m off on my adventure!
P. Meepel: Wait, did the Echo actually translate that? It’s not suppose to understand Chocobo!
Asher: I understand him fine.
P. Meepel: You’re fluent in chocobo, you don’t count.  In any event, Good bye Alpha!
*Alpha turns around starts walking, then turns back around and tackles Quinn*
Alpha: KWEH~!!!!
Quinn: Get off me, you bird.
P. Meepel: Uhh...I think Alpha wants to go with us...or more specifically, wants to be with you Quinn.
Alpha: Kweh!!!
Quinn: No…
R. Meepel: Oh this is great!  I can’t wait to see how much fun Quinn has with her new friend.
Quinn: This isn’t fair!  Ophelia, do you have anything to say?
Ophelia: Yay! Big Brother Alpha is coming with us!
P. Meepel: Well, that settles it, Alpha and I presume his miniature Omega will be tagging along with us for a while, and it seems they’ll be Quinn’s responsibility.
Quinn: Wait! Stop! Don’t I have get an opinion on this!?

Narrator: And with that, the Omega storyline comes to a close!  Tune in next time when we actually continue the storyline.
Quinn: HEY! WE’RE NOT DONE!