Meeple's Abridged Series and other fun stuff

[Meeplelard]

Yeah, I know, I posted this in WGAYP topic, but I figured for those who want to read it later or something, it'd be easier to isolate it from WGAYP and put it in its own post.

Naturally, the very nature of this is going to be RIDDLED WITH SPOILERS.  

I also wrote Episode 0, as a means to get the ENTIRE STORY in.  Note that episode was a bit rushed just to get it done with so yeah, Episode 1 is where the real "Quality" starts or something.  IN any event, real "story" starts on next post!  Please do post til I complete the story or something (there's about 10~ episodes.)

Edit: Topic is expanded into more than just SO4 Abridged!  So uh, yeah, enjoy or something <_<

[Meeplelard]

Prologue - The Beginning of A Mere MMO Quest

Narrator: Space.  The Final Frontier. The…ok, we all know this is a Star Trek rip off, so lets just cut to the stuff that matters.  Basically, World War 3 happened, nukes destroyed civilization, and a cease fire was commenced…but the world was still in ruin.  The USTA was formed as an alliance to keep things in check, and from that, the SRF for Space Travel.  Sure enough, Warp Speed was discovered, a Moon Base created, and now Earth is ready to EXPLORE THE VASTNESS OF SPACE!

*Enter Edge, our hero, whose sleeping, greeted by a brown haired girl*
Edge: zzzzzzz…
Girl: …Um…Edge?
Edge: zzzzzz *mumble*
Girl: WAKE UP DAMN IT!
Edge: Zuh? WHAT!? Oh, hi, Reimi…what’s up?
Reimi: You missed orientation…AGAIN!  Just so you could take a nap on this space ship?
Edge: Oh, yeah, decided to skip it.  Its not important or anything.  I mean, if Lightspeed Kenni was speaking LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSE TO, that’d be one thing.  I mean, HE’S A HERO!  But no, its just probably Shimada ranting again.
Reimi: …nevertheless, that attitude will cost you some day!  Be thankful I was there to cover your sorry self.
Edge: Oh, thanks.  Its great having a friend like you Reimi!
Reimi: Anyway, we’re gonna head off today…or did you forget?
Edge: Uh, no, of course I didn’t! We’re going to space today, right!?
Reimi: …ok, maybe your brain does work some!  Anyway, we’re leaving in like one hour.  Be at the bridge!
Edge: Well, that’s certainly enough time to DO A TUTORIAL!!!

*one boring Star Ocean 4 Battle System Tutorial later*

Edge: Hmm…I guess this is my seat, so…oh, looks like I’m getting a call!
*pink haired girl with glasses appears on screen*
Pink Haired Girl: Hello there! My name is Welch, we’ll be partners from here on in!  We’ll be talking a lot, so I’m your main contact from base! We’ll be best friends, yep yep!
Edge: …of all the base managers or whatever they are, I get the psychopath pink haired girl?
Welch: Hey! I heard that! Now feel free to call me about anything! We have to get a good relationship if we’re going to be pals, right!?
Edge: Uh, yeah, whatever. *turns monitor off* Man, I hope I never have to speak to her again…oh, look, I got another call?
Welch: HEY! DON’T DO THAT! At least say good bye!
Edge: Oh, uh, right! Good Bye, freaky Pink Haired girl! *turns monitor off again* Dodged a bullet there…huh? Another call? Oh god damn it, don’t tell me…
Red Haired Guy: Yo, Edge, what’s up!
*Edge turns it off instantly*
Edge: No.
Reimi: Hey, Edge, wasn’t that Crowe?
Edge: CROOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Reimi: Why don’t you be nice and answer him? I mean, you two are like best buds!
Edge: Fine, fine, I’ll talk to him *patches link back through* Uh, hi…
Crowe: Edge, don’t be like that! I mean, yeah, sure, I’ve kicked your butt a lot in like everyway, and I’m now Captain of the SRF-001 Aquila while you’re just a standard person, but hey, you’ll move up in rank!
Edge: That…doesn’t sound too encouraging…
Crowe: Hey, its not my fault you get yourself into your own troubles.  Anyway, just thought I’d say hi and remind you to FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Its why we’re in the SRF, right?  Anyway, laters! *he gets off monitor*
Edge: So…what was that all about?
Reimi: SHH! Captain Graffton is coming in! He’s got something important to say!
Graffton: Oh man, I think I have a hang over…yeah, I was drinking before I got here…but its not like I’m PILOTING the ship, I’m just giving commands.
Edge: …
Reimi: …
Graffton: Anyway, Edge, Reimi, are all things ready!?
Edge: All good over here!
Reimi: Yep, we’re ready to go Aeos!
Graffton: Two worthless extras who are likely to not matter after this scene, are you ready?
NPC #1: Yep!
NPC #2: All’s clear here! Man, this is going to BE AWESOME!!!

*back at moon base*
Fat Bald Guy: Finally, we shall explore the vast reaches of space and become WEALTHY! Right LIGHTSPEED KENNI!?
Kenni: More importantly, we can secure mankind’s future, and get off this broken planet of ours.  Heinz, what do you think?
Heinz: Well, personally, I think most of these ships are doomed and only half of them will do anything worth noting…but then I’m just a cynical bastard who has no purpose other than to shadow you.
Kenni: I figured that.  Sir Shimada…
Shimada: That’s DEPUTY COMMANDER SHIMADA to you! REMEMBER YOUR PLACE!
Kenni: Right, my apologies.  Please don’t forget that above all else, our mission is to explore potential planets for colonization.
Shimada:  Yes, and we shall become RICH!!! Through this.
Kenni: But what about the fate of…
Shimada: Oh pish posh! Just quiet.  Anyway, YOU 5 SHIPS! MOVE OUT!!!

*back at the Calnus*
Graffton: Alright, lets go!
Edge: Alright, FINALLY! SPACE!!!

*back with Kenni*
Kenni: And so those brave souls head off…to the vastness of space.  The STAR OCEAN!!!

*back with the Calnus*
Reimi: Hyper Space is secure.  There’s a slight fluctuation but it shouldn’t hurt our course…by which I mean we’re probably screwed cause everything in Hyper space matters SO MUCH.
Graffton: That’s not good.  Edge, what are your thoughts?
Edge: Well, if you ask me? WE’RE GONNA DIE!!!!
Graffton: Well, it’s a good thing you’re not captain!  Reimi, get us out of Hyper Space, pronto!
Reimi: Roger!
*They get out of Hyper space*
Reimi: Our ship is out of control!
Graffton: Use emergency controls and prepare for a crash landing on the closest planet!
Edge: Crash landing? Isn’t that…a little dangerous?
Graffton: Yes, yes it is, but it beats blowing up in space, since at least we have a 30% chance of living.
Edge: Oh, right, forgot about the alternative for a second.
*the Calnus crash lands, somehow in perfect condition, on the grass, avoiding all mountains etc.*
Graffton: Status report!
Edge: Uh, I think everyone’s alive, so that’s a good thing, right?
Reimi: Oh, hey! Look at that!  We LANDED ON AEOS! Talk about dumb luck!
NPCs: WE MADE IT! YAY!!!
Graffton: So what about the other ships?
Reimi: Uh…lets see.  We are here *dots on map appear*  The B Ship is over here, by which I mean it crashed in the ocean.  The D ship is close by as well.  The Eremis Ship landed somewhere more remote.  The Aquila is…nowhere to be found.
Edge: Any reason you stated the Eremis and Aquila were stated by name?
Reimi: Well, the other two ships are completely irrelevant, that’s why.
Edge: Ah, makes sense.
Graffton: Right! Our first duty is to meet up with the crews of the near bye ships and salvage what we can.  We’ll join up with the Eremis once we deal with the local problems.
Everyone Else: RIGHT!
Graffton: Specifically, you two useless NPCs will get stuff, Reimi, you’ll study the environment and make sure there’s nothing there to EAT US, and Edge…you’ll just walk around like a maniac, but we’ll call that Scouting Duty.
Edge: Ok, works for me.

*on Aeos, the 3 crews have joined up*
Edge: Scouting…scouting…scouting…oh, hi Reimi, what have you learned?
Reimi: This planet is effectively equivalent to Earth during the Jurassic Period.
Edge: Oh, cool! So there are like Dinosaurs!?
Reimi: No! We detected no huge life forms here!
Edge: But what about the BUSes that exist on all Alien planets?
Reimi: Bugs of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist!
*Huge giant bug comes out of nowhere and nearly lands on Reimi*
Edge: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?
Reimi: AH! Help me!
Edge: Reimi!
NPC #1: Oh god! Quick, #2, Shoot the thing!
NPC #2: Right!
*NPC #2 shoots, barely misses hitting Edge*
Edge: What are you aiming at? I swear, guns never hit their targets! Makes me wonder why I’m even holding this damn thing…let alone not using it…
NPC #2: Oh, right, sorry!
*he shoots the bug, some shield blocks all the shots*
Edge: …Rail Guns don’t work on it? WE’RE GONNA DIE!!!
*bug smacks Edge away, breaks his gun, Edge’s Workman Blade conveniently falls out of his back pocket and lands near bye*
Edge: Notgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgood…huh? That tool that isn’t meant to be a weapon but looks like a weird laser sword anyway…well, a gun didn’t work, CLEARLY THIS MELEE WEAPON WILL!
*Edge stands up, his hand glows with a weird crest*
Edge: FEEL THE BITE OF MY BLADE, WHIRLWIND!!!
*Bug goes splat*
Edge: Holy shit! That actually worked! …and I just noticed only now there are like 7 more of those things.  Well, its either use this piece of junk sword which I apparently am very skilled with for some unknown reason, or just sit here and die…yeah, I’m thinking option 1 sounds nice.
*Edge kills all bugs effortlessly with his useless cutting tool that looks damn cool*
Edge: I…did it? Nice!
Reimi: Yes, but so many people were killed.
Edge: …*sigh*
Reimi: But think about how many people would have been killed if you didn’t do that Edge!
Edge: Yeah, you’re right…let’s go tell Captain Graffton!

*in the Calnus*
Graffton: So you’re saying that half of the crews from our 3 ships are now dead, and everyone but Edge was completely useless?
Edge: Uh, yeah, might be hard to believe, but that’s what happened.
Graffton: Actually, I believe every word of it! You’re something else, Edge!
Edge: Oh, I am? Sweet!
Shimada: HEY! Don’t ignore me! I’m still on this intercom thing!
Graffton: Oh, right.  Yeah, see, you heard it; giant bugs appeared, my arm is in a sling, and Edge is the only useful person we got.  I think we should abandon this mission and worry more about finding a way back.
Shimada: YOU HAVE OTHER SHIPS! USE THEM!
Reimi: Um, about those ships.  We don’t know the status on the Eremis, the Aquila is nowhere to be found.  Calnus is damaged but fixable, but it’ll probably take a while, possibly some OMINOUS ALIEN TECHNOLOGY as well, to fix.  The B Ship sort of landed in the middle of the ocean, and the guys in it barely swam to safety.  The D Ship sort slammed into a mountain, and spontaneously combusted and exploded…oh, but don’t worry, we saw parachutes!
Shimada: NO EXCUSE! CONTINUE INVESTIGATING! You have one useful kid, USE HIM! I AM YOUR SUPERIOR! LISTEN TO ME! Anyway, I’m going to take a hot bath!
Edge: Bad. Image. Leave. Brain. NOW!
Graffton: I’m sending you on a lone suicide mission to investigate this planet, look at the Eremis, and report back to me what you’ve found!
Edge: Ok, sure, sounds fine to me!
Reimi: Wait! Edge! You can’t do that!
Edge: Why not?
Reimi: Cause its dangerous!
Edge: So?
Reimi: And you could get hurt!
Edge: So?
Reimi: And you may die!
Edge: Look, Reimi, you see way too concerned for my own well-being.  We’re just friends, remember?  Its not like we’re going to suddenly fall in love in a few months.  Besides, I’m just going, not you!  You have it pretty easy!

*several hours later*
Edge: Well, I’m off! Its time to take my footsteps into becoming a GRAND HERO!!
Reimi: Yeah, lets go Edge!
Edge: Ok Rei-…wait, what are you doing here?
Reimi: I’m coming with you! I can’t let you go at this alone!
Edge: But I thought he said-…
Reimi: Oh, I had a little “Talk” with the captain and well, he said it’d be fine if I could go.
Edge: …I’m not going to question what you actually did with him.  But in any event, how do you plan on not getting in the way? 
Reimi: WITH THIS!!!! *Reimi points to a high tech looking bow*
Edge: Ok, I know you’re awesome at archery but…Guns are useless against these things, you think a Bow and Arrow will do better?
Reimi: Pretty much.
Edge: Well, I don’t see anything wrong with that logic.  Lets go…TO THE EREMIS!

*Traversing Aeos, beating up bugs of unusual size, globs, traveling through caves, among other boring shit*
Edge: Ok, we just ran through this cave, how are we suppose to know where the Eremis is?
Reimi: I…think that’s it over there *points in direction of a huge, partially capsized space ship in the middle of the lake*
Edge: Well, can’t complain about convenience!  So are there any survivors?
Reimi: No, it looks like…
Dying Guy: I’m not quite dead yet.
Edge: Yes you are.
Dying Guy: I’m not.
Edge: You’re injured, you’ll be dead soon.
Dying Guy: I’m getting better!
Edge: You’ll be stone dead in a moment!
Dying Guy: I feel fine! I feel…happy.  I feel…happy!
*Edge stabs the guy in the throat*
Reimi: What was that?
Edge: Oh, uh, nothing…
Dying Guy: Beware…the alien…meteor…thing…*he dies*
Edge: How ominous and…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING!?
*Small flying space ship thing lands, a green haired bishie with hair ornaments appear*
Bishie: Greetings, Earthlings. I come in peace!
Edge: …
Reimi: …
Bishie: Umm…hello, are you Edge Maverik and Reimi Saionji?
Edge: !!!
Reimi:
Bishie: Hmm…you don’t seem to understand me…my translator must be not be functioning properly </actual lines of dialog>
Edge: Err…uh…excuse us for being dumbfounded, considering you came out of nowhere on technology we never heard of on a planet that’s suppose to be completely deserted of all intelligent lifeform, but we understand you fine.
Reimi: I…uh…yeah, that’s it!
Reimi’s Mind: He’s so beautiful!  Those eyes! That hair! Those weird ear things…I NEED HIM NOW!
Bishie: Excuse me, but my name is Faize.  I’m an Eldarian.
Edge: A what?
Faize: Uh…well, in terms that might be easier for you to understand…I’m an alien, by your standards.
Edge: Oh…so where are your tentacles, freaky shaped heads, and why aren’t you talking to us telepathically?
Faize: …I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that and we’ll get down to business.  Basically, I was told to look for you cause I have my Sol, which is a handy little thing for traversing lots of terrain.  I was told I would find you here.
Reimi: Why were you look for us exactly?
Faize: Oh, your Captain Graffton asked me too!
Edge: So you’ve met him?  But wait, how did you get in contact?
Faize: Actually, Earth and Eldar have been in contact for a while, but you guys probably have kept things under the hood, and wouldn’t know.  Essentially, Earth wanted to send help but couldn’t, and we just happened to be in the area, so they asked us to help.  To further friendly relations, we agreed.
Edge: So we’re at the mercy of a bunch of aliens?
Faize: That’s a negative way to put it.
Reimi: Do you know what happened here? He spoke of Aliens that we shouldn’t trust and…
Faize: Hey, we only JUST arrived on this planet AFTER you.  We had no part in blowing up that ship!
Reimi: I wasn’t accus-…
Faize: My apologies, but we should probably head back to the Eldarian ship.  The rest of your Earthling Companions are there, currently getting treated.
Edge: OK, that sure, that works! And-…
*Large bubble appears out of nowhere*
Edge: Ok, no, that thing was definitely NOT there a moment ago!
Reimi: That must be the thing that destroyed the Eremis!
Faize: Jumping to conclusions already?
Reimi: No, its pretty obvious.  What ELSE could do it!?
Faize: Hm…fair, I will assist you in this fight!  Right after it, I expect full and complete trust of me!
Edge: Uh, sure, whatever.

*First boss fight starts with stupid annoying gimmick that is completely unfun and takes forever and you almost run out of resources*
Faize: This is taking too long.  *starts chanting* How wonderful this power feels! Flames of the Apocalypse! By the power of the Orb…DIE!!!
*Boss dies*
Edge: So we won? Nice! And it dropped this meteor?
Reimi: You know, even though he didn’t say it, I could have sworn they were investigating some rock which caused that monster to kill their ship!
Faize: Well, if this is the rock…it clearly is completely harmless now!
Edge: Yeah, you’re right, lets take it back to get studied!  So what about that little ship of yours? Can it take us back?
Faize: It can, but it won’t!  Only so we waste more time! Sol, fly off will you?
*The Sol leaves*
Edge: Alright, lets head back to…whatever it is we’re heading towards

*At the Eldarian Ship, which is right where the Calnus was*
Graffton: Ah, Edge, Reimi, you made it! And I see you met Faize!  This is Commander Gaghan of the Eldarians.
Gaghan: Charmed to meet you.
Edge: Holy shit, ITS ELROND!  How’s Legolas?
Gaghan: What?
Edge: Uh…er…nevermind.  By the way, we found this weird rock here, can you analyze it?
Gaghan: Oh, sure, we’ll get right on it!
Graffton: Mind telling me what happened at the Eremis?
*blank screen, return instantly*
Graffton: Ah, I see.  Well, Edge, you succeeded in your duties just like I expected.  Congrats, Edge, you are now promoted to Captain!
Edge: I…wait, what? You mean I’m EQUAL TO CROWE now?
Graffton: Yes.  Do note that I’m only doing this cause I myself am needed here with the Eldarians and we can’t just halt our search for new planets to colonize, so we need another Captain and you’re by far the most fitting.
Edge: Uh…thanks, I…guess?
Reimi: But wait, what’s Edge’s Ship and Crew?
Graffton: Oh, the Calnus is repaired, Edge, that will be your ship!  As for your crew it, it will consist of…Reimi, who is your first Officer.  And…Reimi.
Reimi: So…I’m going to be alone, in a space ship, with Edge, for quite a while?
Graffton: That is correct.
Reimi: I…see…
Reimi’s Mind: Oh my! This is like a dream come true!
Gaghan: Say, Edge, what’d you think of Faize’s combat abilities?
Edge: Oh, you mean how he hits things with a Rapier and then can summon huge giant boulders of nowhere LIKE MAGIC!?
Gaghan: Ah, yes, so you’ve seen his Symbology.  It’s a talent Faize has and he’s done well to learn quite a bit in his youth.
Faize: …but I only know one spell…
Gaghan: HE IS AN AMAZING KID! HE IS PERFECT IN EVERYWAY…except he lacks experience.  Which I believe YOU can give him!
Edge: But I’m just a rookie…
Gaghan: Ah, but so is he!  Faize, go with Edge and learn much from him!
Faize: I would be honored.
Reimi’s Mind: NOOO! Stupid Alien guy breaking the chance for romantic tension!
Graffton: Anyway, I’m sorry its only going to be the three of you, and I can’t supply you with a proper crew, but…well…that’s how it goes!  Leave whenever you’re ready!

*a few hours later*
Edge: This is Captain Maverick!  Crew, are you ready!?
Faize: Aye Aye, Captain!
Reimi: Yes, Edge…I mean Captain…I mean…uhh…
Edge: …just call me Edge…
Reimi: Right, Edge!
Edge: Anyway…wait, where are we going again?
Faize: To a distant planet called Lemuris.
Edge: Alright, we’re off! TO THE STAR OCEAN!!!

*they make a successful landing on Lemuris*
Faize: We have landed successfully! The air is breathable, and…
Reimi: HEY! That’s my line! The air is breathable and the civilization is equivalent to medieval Earth.
Edge; Right, let’s head to the closest town!  And lets hope these NEW TRANSLATORS work so they don’t come after us with pitchforks and torches!
Shimada *on intercom*: You’re the new captain? Pfft! You don’t look like much…BUT DON’T SCREW UP! I’m…er…we’re counting on you!
Edge: Uh, yes, sir! Alright, sir! *to himself*  Also, lose some weight you fat piece of shit.
Shimada: I HEARD THAT!
Edge: SHIT! LATER!
*At the nearest town*
Edge: So…these are the natives?
Reimi: Yeah, and…they’re coming right for us…
Edge: …Faize, please take off those ornaments before you give us away!
Faize: I think our fashion sense is enough of a give away.
Townsperson: Are you…a GOD?
Edge: …no?
Townsperson: THEN DIE!
Reimi: *smacks Edge* Edge, when someone asks if you’re a god, you say YES!
Edge: Er…I mean, yes! YES WE ARE GODS!
Townsperons: HA! I KNEW IT!  We saw you land here from the STAR OCEAN.  Please, go talk to the Elder!
Edge: Ok.  But…no, I’m sure he’ll understand more.
*Meeting the Elder, he’s some guy in a wheel chair*
Elder: Ah! Gracious Gods! You’ve come to save us!
Reimi: Uh, yeah, about that…being the Elder, you should probably understand better than…
Elder: Please! Heed us! Save us from BACCHULUS!
Edge: Wha?  Faize, know anything about that?
Faize: Never heard of it.
Elder: Oh, see my feet? They’re rocks now! Bacchulus turns people to stone! We heard about it in the past, and its making a come back!  Please, help us! Save us!  Oh yeah, and new kinds of monsters have been appearing too.
Edge: Uh, yeah, see, we aren’t gods or anything.  We just kind of came from space…
Elder: Oh, is that so? Dear me…
Edge: Oh! Don’t worry! We’ll help!
Reimi: Why should we help them?
Edge: Cause they’re people in need! Besides, SRF directives state we have to find any habitable planet for Earth.  Part of Colonizing is eliminating any threats on this planet!  So HA! IT GOES WITH OUR ORDERS TOO!
Reimi: Except you clearly are doing it just to help these people.  I know you too well Edge.
Edge: …damn.  Still, my logic is sound!
*Little girl walks in*
Girl: Grandpa, how are you feeling, ‘kay?
Elder: Ah, Lymle, you’ve returned.
Lymle: Here’s a flower, be sure to water it, ‘kay? Also, I’m going to the shrine to get a symbology to help everyone in town, ‘kay?
Edge: Who is this?
Elder: Oh, she’s my granddaughter Lymle.  She lost her parents to Bacchulus a few years back.
Edge: I…see…say, what are you drawing?
Faize: Hey! That looks just like Symbology! Well, it’s a little different than mine, but its still clearly a symbological symbol!
Elder: Yes, Lymle is our best Symbologist here.
Faize: HA! Surely you jest!
*giant flaming dog comes out of nowhere, almost eats Faize’s head off, Faize screams like a little girl*
Lymle: His name’s Cerberus, he’s my summon, ‘kay?
Faize: Er…I believe you now!
Elder: Lymle, you can’t go, its too dangerous!
Edge: Than we’ll go!
Elder: Oh, you will? THANK YOU!
Lymle: I’m going anyway, ‘kay.
Elder: Well, once you made up your mind, there’s no changing it, but take care of her, ALRIGHT!?
Edge: So we’re baby sitters now?
Elder: Yes.
Edge: …great…anyway, I’m Edge, and this is Reimi.
Lymle: Lym.  Edgie. Reirei.
Edge: Huh?
Reimi: I think she’s giving us nicknames…
Edge: Oh.
Faize: Hi, I’m Faize…I guess…I’m Faizie?
Lymle: Lymle. Faize.
Edge: Well, at least its not Mr. Faize…
Faize: I don’t think I share your optimism.</actual lines of dialog>
Edge: Anyway, to the shrine we go!


*at the Shrine*
Edge: That’s one big do-…huh? Suddenly, I feel DIFFERENT.
Faize: How so?
Edge: I…say, what are these symbols on the door?
Faize: Oh, that’s Symbology!  It only reacts to people who can actually use it…which means you can use Symbology Edge!  Oh, and Reimi, you can’t.
Edge: So I have magic now? Sweet! Oh, sorry about the fact that you can’t do it Reimi.  Not everyone can be awesome and special like me!
Reimi: Uh…yeah, ITS NOT LIKE I WANTED MAGIC ANYWAY! Hmph!
*after traveling through the shrine, dealing with puzzles and such, the team reaches the end*
Edge: So where’s this special Shrine Maiden Girl person suppose to be?
Lymle: She’s not hear, oh no.
Reimi: What…is that thing?
Dragon Newt: RAAAR! I WILL EAT YOUR SPLEEN!
Faize: I think it wants to kill us…
Lymle: You…killed the nice lady.  Get him, doggy!
*Lymle summons Cerberus, it attacks the Dragon Newt, gets smacked away*
Lymle: Now I’m angry, ‘kay.
Edge: No, Lymle! Don’t worry, you won’t have to do it alone.
Faize: Yeah, we’re right behind you!
Lymle: Why are you helping me, ‘kay?
Edge: Because we’re…*exposition close up* YOUR FRIENDS!
*Utterly pathetic boss fight occurs and ends
Reimi: Oh no, how can we cure Bacchulus without that woman’s help? She must be dead!
Lymle: Hey, Lutea was here, ‘kay? She must know this symbol.  Lets ask her, ‘kay.
Edge: How do you know she was here? And who is she?
Lymle: She’s a friend who lives nearbye and smells real nice, ‘kay.  She wrote her name on this symbol; you only write names on symbols if you know them, ‘kay.
Faize: Well, its worth looking into.
Edge: Right, lets get out of here!
*at a balcony*
Edge: So we know where to go and its down there…the question is HOW DO WE GET DOWN?
Reimi: Hey, maybe we can climb on these vines!
Edge: Oh, good idea! I’ll go down first and make sure everything is safe!  It is my duty as captain and leader!
Reimi: NO! I’m going down first, you…PERVERT!
Edge: Wait, what?

*at the NEXT town, the team meets Lutea*
Lutea: Oh, Lymle! Nice to see you again.  Yes, I understand what’s going on.  Here, take this special symbol stone and use it at its source!  Then you can cure the disease!
Edge: Wait, if its that simple, why didn’t you do it yourself?
Lutea: I have to stay here and help the others…besides, its not like I know where the source is anyway!
Edge: Oh, well, that’s understandable…I think?  But who would know.
Lymle: Grandpa, ‘kay.
Edge: Oh, right, he knows everything!  So how do we get back to your town?
Lutea: Take the route through the forest.  Mind, you’ll require a stupid fetchquest to get that far, but worry not!
Edge: Ok.

*some fetch quest nonsense later, back at Lymle’s town*
Edge: Yo, pops, we need to get to the source of Bacchulus, you know anything?
Elder: Well, before you got here, a DIFFERENT ship crashed!  And then all the weird stuff happened. This happened like 6 months ago. 
Faize: Aha! That OTHER SHIP must be the cause of everything.
Edge: CROOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEE!!!
Reimi: Huh, what was that Edge?
Edge: Oh, nothing.  Anyway, team, lets go!  Lymle, thank you for your help, but I think you should stay with your Grandpa.  This might be more dangerous!
Lymle: ‘kay.
*Edge and co. leave*
Elder: They’re risking their lives for us people even though they have nothing to gain…maybe they really are gods!
Lymle: They’re not gods, they’re friends, ‘kay.
Elder: Ah, Lymle, you’ve opened your heart to these people.  Truly, I am very happy for you. *he starts coughing a lot*
Lymle: Grandpa, I’m gonna save you, ‘kay.
Elder: I’ll be ok.  Go with them, Lymle, you can be of great help!

*outside*
Reimi: Why did you spontaneously shout the name of your biggest rival, Edge?
Edge: That ship…could it be the Aquila?  I mean, it could be, right!
Reimi: Edge, that makes no sense! The Aquila left the same time we did, this ship crashed months ago! It must be a different ship!
Edge; Yeah, but…the Eremis…it had clearly been crashed longer.  It wouldn’t make sense if it only happened just now.  So I was thinking…did we maybe land in different times?
Reimi: That makes no sense!
Faize: Actually, given the nature of Hyper Space, a slight miscalculation can cause you to land decades apart, since it requires shifting through space and time!  So Edge’s theory holds some water.  Regardless, I say we investigate it.
Edge; Agreed, lets go!
Lymle: Wait! Edgie! You forgot something, ‘kay.
Edge: Oh, what did we forget?
Lymle: A friend, ‘kay?
Edge: Well, we must be pretty absentminded to forget something like that, huh?  Lets go!
Lymle: Oh, don’t forget this Fire Ring, ‘kay?  You need it to get to the ship!
Edge: Oh, a random game play plot device thing, ok!
*at the downed ship*
Reimi: Edge, I get the feeling that this ship isn’t as deserted as it looks.
Edge: Oh come on! Everything that was on it is clearly de-…
*Team gets attacked by harpies*
Edge: …you’re never going to let me live this down, are you?
Reimi: NOPE!
*several plastic explosives on doors later, team comes to a big computer*
Faize: I think I can get some info about this ship! Lets see…its from the Cardionans!
Edge: The what?
Faize: Lizard like Aliens from the Arcturus Sector or some such.  Here, see, watch this video! It shows them doing stuff, then they turn into monsters and eat each other.
Edge: So the Cardionans killed themselves?  Well, that explains why we haven’t met any!
Faize: It seems the source of the problem is in the center of the ship.
Edge: Right! We’re going there now!
*Team enters the center of the ship*
Edge: It’s a huge…giant…crystal…
Faize: I’m getting energy read outs similar to those we had on Aeos! You see…
Edge: How long is this going to take?
Faize: How long to technobabble rants usually take in your Sci-Fi movies?
Edge: …Reimi, better start making some coffee.  This is going to take a while.
*one technobabble rant later*
Faize: And basically, that’s the jist of it.
Edge: …you’re done? OH THANK GOD!
Lymle: I’ll do it from here, ‘kay.
*Symbol stone disappears*
Lymle: Lutea’s stone didn’t work, ‘kay.
Reimi: Uh, hey guys…I think that Crystal is slowly…turning…into…a large dragon like being.
Faize: That’s physically Impossi-…
*Faize looks at the Dragon*
Faize: Note to self, Fantasy and Science do not mix…at all.
*one stupid gimmick boss fight later, a big flash of light appears*
Edge: How ominous…
Lymle: Lets head back to town and tell Grandpa, ‘kay?
Faize: I don’t like the looks of this…

*back at town*
Lymle: Grandpa! Granpda! Where are you, ‘kay?
*They came to a stone statue that wasn’t there before, which has a flower in in*
Lymle: …dummy.  You need to water the flowers, ‘kay.
Reimi: Oh, Lymle, I’m so sorry!
Edge: Damn it! We didn’t save anyone!
Lutea: Oh, thank god you’re safe Lymle!  Suddenly, all those infected with Bacchulus turned to stone and died.  I’m sorry about your grandfather.
Edge: Was all that we did in vain?
Lutea: No.  While its true, you did hasten the deaths of those people, Bacchulus doesn’t seem to be around anymore, and all the irregular monsters have disappeared.  All that’s left are the usual species.
Edge: So…basically, we couldn’t save anyone who was already infected, but we DID save everyone who wasn’t?
Lutea: Yeah.  I know, its not ideal, but you still helped us out a lot.  Thank you.
Reimi: Cheer up Edge.  We managed to save half the people here instead of none of them.  That’s not bad, right?
Edge: Yeah, I guess you’re right.  Anyway, I think we know where we need to go next.
Faize: To Cardionan, right?
Edge: Yes.  I think everything that’s going wrong is linked there!
Lymle: I’m coming too, ‘kay.
Edge: …ok, sure.  But it’ll be a long and hard trip.
Lymle: I can keep up better than Faize, ‘kay?
Reimi: I guess there’s no use arguing with that.  Lets go!

*on the Calnus, the team is now at Cardionan*
Edge: That’s…their home planet?
Faize: Well, their planet is no longer hospitable, so they kind of moved their entire civilization to one really huge mother ship.  Oh yeah, they seem to be doing FORCED COLONIZATION as their goals.
Edge: In other words…an invasion?
Faize: In more barbaric terms, yes, that.
Reimi: Oh no! Guys! We have a problem!
Lymle: This ride is all bumpy, ‘kay.
Reimi: WE’RE CAUGHT IN THEIR TRACTOR BEAM!
Edge: …WE’RE GONNA DIE!!!
Faize: I can’t get us out of there! We’ll just have to hope they’re friendlier than they look when we forcefully get sucked into their ship.
*Team gets sucked in*
Edge: So…uh…lets investigate the surroundings?
Cardionan Guard: There they are! KILL THEM!
Edge: *sigh* We can’t get a break, can we?
*Battle starts*
Edge: Stampede…BLAST!
Reimi: Sonic Thorn!
Faize: Earth Grave!
Lymle: Hatchet…REEL!
Cardionan #1: Inferior…BEINGS!!!
Cardionan #2: Beaten by Inferior being!?!?
Cardionan #3: I’m a GONER!!!
Cardionan #4: My money, MY MONEY!!!
*after battle, elsewhere on the ship*
Ominous Silouhette with Long Ears: Hm…seems the party has just begun.  Well then…No! Please! Don’t take away my screen time just yet!

Faize: So that…was the entire beginning of this game?
Edge: I think so?
Faize: Well, things started off smoothly, I guess.
Edge: Yeah…I think this is going to be one hell of an epic adventure!
Faize: Well, the only thing that can make this story worse is suddenly referencing every single plot from this series, and then pull random plot twists that don’t make sense.  But I believe that our creators have enough sense to not do that!
Edge: Yeah! Tri-Ace loves us!
Faize: …I wouldn’t go that far…

[Meeplelard]

Episode 1 - Lizards are People Too!

Narrator: And so, Edge, his annoying best friend stereotype, some perfectly elegant alien guy, and a little girl decide to look around the Cardonian ship!
Reimi: You know, its weird; we haven't seen any of those freaky lizard people besides those first two when we got here...
Edge: We've seen plenty of guard bots though, clearly that's enough to mean they care about us!
Faize: ...I don't think its that simple...
*team comes to a door*
Edge: So...why won't this door open?
Faize: It seems we need a pass code of sorts...and another special ring that certainly won't conveniently be in this dungeon to power up said device, there by making us able to let us progress.
Lymle: Say, this ring here looks like our fire ring, only it has lightning on it, 'kay?
Edge: Sweet! Now we can-...wait, shit, it only has 2 charges? FUCK! Now we gotta be actually conservative!

*the team enters some refrigerated room*
Edge: Is it me, or is it cold in here?
Faize: They're in cold sleep! also, this would explain why we didn't see many of them til we got here..
Edge: ...but we were just fighting a bunch in the last three rooms...
Faize: Irrelevant!  What matters is they're sleeping!
Reimi: That doesn't explain why they're mutating though!
Faize: Who said anything about mutating?
Edge: Well, this dead guy has a card key...except its frozen to his body conveniently...ok, we need to heat this room up so we get this card key!
Reimi: Wait, wouldn't that wake them all up?
Lymle: We aren't suppose to second guess the game's plot progression Reirei, 'kay?
Reimi: Oh, right, forget I said that!

*team pushes switch, room warms up, ALL THE FREAKKISH LIZARDS WAKE UP*
Edge: PEARS INTO PEACHES!!!
*Lizard freaks all die*
Edge: That's somewhere around 80 points!  Anyway, lets...GOD DAMN IT! Another door that needs charging and I'm out of charges...
Faize: Not to worry, Edge, there's a convenient charging station 2 rooms back for our Ring, which nevermind is weird cause this is a highly advanced civilization and this ring looks more mystical...
Reimi: ...the lizards use magic too, you know; we've fought several mages...heck, you're from an advanced civilization and you use Magic too!
Faize: I do? I thought I use Symbology...

*team gets to big computer*
Faize: I have downloaded  info about the Cardionan!  It seems they are trying to invade planets left and right and-...
Edge: ...we know this already...
Faize: Wait, how? We didn't mention it in plot until now!
Edge: Yes, but our handy GALACTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA GIVEN TO US BY TRI-ACE already gave us a full synopsis on them.
Faize: ...you mean people actually READ that?
Edge: No, and by that, I mean Reimi hits me over the head with it constantly, so I'm forced to glance at it from time to time...
Reimi: Hey, keep me out of-...say, isn't that the thing we saw on Lemuris?
Edge: Hey, that's my line!
Faize: Well, its info conveniently locked, but I can read its name...but the name is fucking retarded so until we figure out a better thing to call it, we're just gonna call it the EVIL MACGUFFIN! 
Lymle: I don't like that name, 'kay?
Edge: Well, its easier to say and type than Epiphany of Guidance...
Reiimi: Have we found a way off this ship?
Faize: Oh, there's a generator somewhere further in, in this "Isolation Chamber"...which conveniently has the EVIL MACGUFFIN too...I say we head over there!  Oh yeah, its probably going to be heavily guarded and filled with traps and-...

*Everyone is already halfway down the hall*
Faize: ...well, THIS is surely going to go over well...
Edge: Well, lets get...wait, when did we get put into this room that's got no doors? Ah well, SWORD SLASH TO THE WALL! HA! TAKE THAT RPG CLICHES! I'M USING AN EASY WAY O-*Sword tinks on wall* ...nevermind.  Say, lets try magic!
Faize: I've been having Lymle do that for the past hour, if you didn't notice...
Edge: Really? I thought she was just stretching...
Lymle: My Symbology won't work, 'kay?
Reimi: Why is everything we do not working?
Faize: *insert technobabble regarding attack nullification here*
The other three: Oh, that makes sense.

*BIG VIDEO SCREEN APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE*
Lymle: Is that what we call TV, Reirei?
Reimi: No, its called an evil villain monitor; apparently, Sci-fi movies weren't exaggerating when they say they all have them...
Lizard Freak: GOOD EVENING GENTLEMEN AND SPECIMENS! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
Edge: What you say!?
Lizard Freak: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME...inferior beings...
Edge: Ok, fuck this Zero Wing Rip off, LET US OUT OF HERE!
Lizard Freak: No, but if you inferior beings would take care of that Steel Giant that has the same symbol and ship as the one you came on...without us letting you out of the base...we can get back to properly punishing you and taking our two specimens!
Edge: Wait, what?
Lizard Freak: ...just get rid of the Steel Giant by yelling at him so we can kill you and the green haired bishie, while we mate with the female species.  We haven't decided what we'll do with he little girl yet though...
Lymle: Faize, I don't know what mating is, can you tell me, 'kay?
Faize: I don't know; according to Edge's encyclopedia, my race has evolved to the point where we don't use such out of date methods of reproduction, and rely entirely on genetic manipulation to make babies.
Lymle: Faize makes my head hurt...
Edge: Fine, we'll do it, not like we have a choice...
Reimi: Wait WHAT!? You're just gonna let me get used by these freaks like that? NO EDGE! I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO THROUGH WITH IT!
Edge: Hey, at least you're insured to survive...but anyway, BIG UGLY STEEL THING! I know you're a friend of my arch rival...SO BLOW THIS PLACE UP!
Lizard Freak: Well, nothing wrong can come of this, laters! *Video screen disappears*
Faize: Seems we have a lot of time ti kill, lets try to think of what to do in this absolutely hopeless scenario...
Edge: Yeah, I agree.
Edge's Mind: Damn it! IF Lymle wasn't here, this would have been a perfect opportunity to get some aciton with Reimi, even though I haven't shown any real romantic interest in her, my enyclopedia entry claims we're slowly becoming a thing.  What about Faize? Oh, his race doesn't deal with this stuff, so he probably doesn't even know what porn is, so he'll just assume its an odd ritual.
Reimi: Edge, what the hell are you pondering about?
Edge: ...would you believe me if I said it was wondering what the hell is *THAT* on the huge video screen over there?
*Video Screen shifts, large freaking robotic thing appears and blows a hole in the wall where the team is*
Faize: I think that's the Steel Giant...
*Mega Man Boss Intro Theme plays, as the smoke reveals Mega Man*
Mega Man: Are you Mr. Edge? Good, cause I've come to rescue you!
Edge: Sweet! Rescued by Mega Man!
Mega Man: By the way, my name is Bacchus, and I'm a scientist.
Edge: Oh, uh, yeah, I'm Edge Mav-...er...no, my last name is definitely NOT Maverick!  Nope, definitely isn't, nuh-huh!  Won't have to go blowing me up and stealing my weapons!
Bacchus:  Ok, lets get going and blow stuff up.  I'll tell you more about myself later.
Edge: Sweet! Mega Man has joined our team!

*elsewhere on the ship, a Long Eared Pink Haired Girl Wearing Practically Nothing papears*
LEPHGWP: Stuff is going on! Time to be pointlessly cryptic...wait, shit, that was the extent of my camera time here? God damn it!
*back with the heroes*
Lymle: Edgie, what's Mega Man?
Edge: Well he's...oh look, a fight with enemies on a hover craft thing out of nowhere!
*Battle initiates*
Bacchus: Charge Shot...!!!
*enemies all die*
*after running across the bridge, the team reaches a darkened room*
Edge: Man, this room looks utterly normal
*Edge walks into an electric death trap*
Edge: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?
Faize: It would appear the creators of the game hate us and want us to navigate this place, finding out which of these traps are up only for brief moments, and which are up permanently.  Oh yeah, they both start blinking at times.

*Team gets through, reaches vending machine*
Lymle: Why does this machine give us stuff?
Bacchus: Its a vending machine.
Lymle: Oh, ok!
Edge: Wait, do Vending Machines even exist on a planet like Lemuris?
Reimi: No, I don't think they do...
Edge; Then how does she know what they are?
Reimi: Square Oversight?
Edge: ...works for me!
*team goes up some stairs to a well lit room*
Edge: So, this room looks *Edge gets zapped,a nd launched 15 feet across the floor* ...safe...
Faize: Ah, its the same puzzle as before, only THIS time, we can't see the lasers!
Edge: So how the fuck are we suppose to figure out where to go?
Bacchus: we could blow up that device over there and cause the place to become idiotically cold, so we can see the lasers...
Edge: Isn't that a cliched tactic that doens't really work as well as its suppose too?
Bacchus: By my calculations...yes.
Edge: ...let's do it!
*team reaches another room that looks the same*
Edge: God damn it, MORE laser Bullshit? Why-...wait, now we have to deal with ROTATING PLATFORMS OF DEATH!? Geez...
Bacchus: According to my research, if you stopped whining and just proceeded, we'd be done with this dungeon already.
Reimi: So its entirely Edge's fault we're still here, got it!
Edge: ...I hate you all...

*team reaches a conveniently empty room*
Bacchus: Ok, we're still up to our necks in lizards, but I think I can safely tell you more about myself.  I am actually a person, but I sort of died, and rebuilt myself as a cyborg with awesome weapons attached!
Faize: Ah, ok, that makes sense.
Bacchus: I was also with Mr. Crowe.  We took down half the space ship together,but then got kidnapped, so I decided to blow stuff up so he could escape!
Edge: CROWE IS ALIVE! FUCK YEAH!
Bacchus: Oh yeah, I'm heading to the Isolation Chamber to destroy the EVIL MACGUFFIN...which by the way, we call the Grigori...so these lizard freaks can't take over anymore planets!  And yes, this is entirely for my races benefit alone, but I assure you, you all will benefit too!
Faize: You guys are a bunch of selfish bastards! But because you acknowledge your hypocritical stance, I trust you, so lets get going!
*team reaches isolation chamber*
Edge: Hey, its that thing from Lemuris!
Bacchus: Stand back everyone! I'm going to stop this thing!
Reimi: Oh! You're going to use some elaborate device that will cause a chain reaction and everything will stop, and we can get going, right?
Bacchus: Uh...yeah, kind of...
*Fires a small scale nuke at the thing obliterating it*
Bacchus: My calculations were correct! A crystal cannot stand up the the power of a focused War Head fired directly at it!
Edge: ...you needed calculations to figure *THAT* out?
*Lizard Freak in a Gundam appears*
Lizard Freak: NO! THAT WAS THE LAST OF THE POWER! WE ARE GODS UNTO YOU! HOW DARE YOU INFERIOR BEINGS DEFILE US!
Edge: Um, that was actually just going to turn you into monsters and fuck over your entire civilization; we kind of did you a favor here...
Lizard Freak: Nonsense! NOW I'M PISSED! BEHOLD MY GUNDAM POWERS!
*he turns into a huge fucking dragon, the gundam is nowhere in sight*
Edge: NOOOOOOO!!!! WHY'D YOU DO THAT!
Reimi: Um, Edge, I think we should be more worried about the fact that there's a big freaking Dragon trying to kill us...
Edge: Oh, right, we have a boss fight, don't we?
*they win*
Edge: Stupid. Dragon. And your. Small. Weak spot.  And your. 1/10thing. Damage. Otherwise.
Lymle: We won, why is Edgie sad, 'kay?
Reimi: Cause he wanted to SAVE THESE PRICKS, Lymle.
Lymle: Awww, Edgie is nice, 'kay?
Lizard Freak: If I go down, I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME!
Bacchus: OH noes! A big warhead is about to go off! I'll shield it with my body!
*Explosion hits Bacchus head on*
Edge: Bacchus, are you alright!?
Bacchus: Its just a flesh wound...but I can't really work in battle now, so yeah, this is just a gimmick to force me out of combat.  Good thing I found Dr. Light's Damage Halving Capsule a while back.
*team shuts off the tractor beam in the next room*
WARNING! WARNING!
Bacchus: Oh shit, a Robot Master is about to appear! ...alternatively, they have a back up generator that just screws with your plans of escape.
Edge: So what do we do?
Bacchus: use that override and get out of here! YOu must hurry!  Of course, you can't carry me with you cause that will slow you down.  And yes, having this discussion wastes time as well, EXPOSITION!!!!
Faize: What if we fail to get there in time?
Bacchus: The Ship will warp into uncharted territory and you'll never get home.  DON'T WORRY! SAVE YOURSELVES! LEAVE ME! I have Extra Lives anyway!
Edge: Oh no you don't! You've lost too many already on spike pits.  Come on everyone, LETS DRAG HIM OUT OF HERE...LITERALLY!
*they do exactly that, door is about to close*

Edge: We're not going to-...huh, why did it stop?
LEPHGWP: Hmm...you're not that Red Haired Man...oh well, my showing up is cryptic enough, later!
Edge: ...k, what was up with that? And we're just gonna stand here while the door closes, eh?
Faize: Oh, don't worry, conveniently, that side path that was BEFORE the big dramatic door closing is the right way anyway.  And teh Calnus is on the otherside.  Oh yeah, I should note that because there's no clock ticking in the corner, we actually have unlimited time to get out of here, and we'll conveniently get out in the nick of time regardless.
*everything Faize just describes happens*
Edge: Man I love jRPG cliches.
Bacchus: Lets head to EN II, my home planet, where we can talk to more people like me!  Ok, they aren't cyborgs scientists like I am, but I assure you, they're friendly!
Edge: Ok, sure, Reimi, Faize, do all the work getting us there, I'm going to take a nap.
Reimi: Alright.
*sudden turbulence during Edge's nap*
Faize: Shit! Everyone to the bridge, WE'RE GETTING SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE!
Edge: ...ok, how the hell is getting to the bridge going to help us out with that?
Bacchus: Actually, I have a theory about Black holes, for you see...
Edge: NO THEORIES! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
Lymle: Oooh, pretty, 'kay?
*team gets sucked into a black hole, safely lands on another planet*
Reimi: Um...Edge...we're on Earth...except...its not Earth...but it is...
Edge: MAKE SENSE WOMAN!
Reimi: Just look at these results!
Edge: Just what-...oh, yeah...
Faize: Can someone explain what's going on?
Edge: Well, Earth is suppose to be in a post nuclear apocalyptic state, which is why we went to space...except Earth isn't...its very strange.  Did I mention that Earthlings a few years before me and Reimi were born were a bunch of douches? Cause they were.
Lymle: I wanna see this world, 'kay?
Edge: No! You must stay here with Reimi! Its SAUSAGE FEST TIME BOYS! We'll investigate it while you girls have a slumber party or something.
Reimi: Oh boy, a slumber party, I feel 8 again ^_^
*Edge and the MANLY MEN...which somehow includes Faize...investigates an abandoned Gas Station*
Edge: HUh, there's no one here?
Faize: Didn't you pay attention, Edge? The upper right corner clearly stated that this place is called "Abandoned Town"
Edge: Oh...for how long?
Faize: Based on all the dust...3 years.
Edge: I see...so this magazine from 1954 is only 3 years old...that makes it 1957...HOLY SHIT WE'RE 150 YEARS IN THE PAST!
Faize: That's absolutely impossible...but of course, since that's the case, it has to be possible.  I guess that proves how much my species knows...
Bacchus: I just want to say something!
Edge: Ok, say something.
Bacchus: ...I just did...
Edge: ...
Faize: Hey, what are all those people doing with those guns around our ship?
Edge: FUCK! This is like Roswell or something! WE gotta hide!
Lezard Look Alike: Pardon me, but I can explain stuff.  My name is Klaus.  Come with me to my house.  You can trust me!  Oh yeah, I'm certainly NOT a villain.
Edge: Ok, we trust you.
Faize: Why do we trust him?
Edge: Dude! Did you hear him? He specifically said he's not a villain!
Bacchus: He's got you there.
*they reach Klaus' house*
Lymle: EDGIE!!!
Edge: I TOLD YOU TO STAY ON THE SHIP! BAD GIRL! NO LATE NIGHT SNACKS FOR YOU!
Lymle: meanie!
Klaus: Ok, let me explain; your ship is awesome and scientists want to steal it so they can replicate it, advance technology, and then use that technology for selfish greed. As a scientist, I CANNOT ALLOW THIS!
Edge: ...what's in it for us?
Klaus: Your friend was kidnapped by them...
Edge: ...oh...
Klaus: By the way, there's another alien there; she's a cat girl.  Go rescue her as well, and bring her home.
Faize: Is this plot making any sense to you, Bacchus?
Bacchus: No, but I have confidence that things will fall into place in a manner of time!

[Meeplelard]

Episode 2 - One Mess Up + Willingness to Do Good = Instant Angst!

Narrator: When last we left our heroes, Edge just talked to a guy who was clearly NOT a villain cause he said so, and him and his buddies, which is now minus one archer girl, sets off to a military base, which is clearly NOT suppose to represent Area 51!
Edge: Ok, now we can walk around this area...hey, what's that area with lots of yellow units on the ma-
Faize: No! Edge! We'll get caught that way! Even if they're useless NPCs we could kick the crap out of cause we have a huge hulking giant with a PARTICLE CANNON that can blow stuff up, and he's probably immune to their bullets anyway.
Edge: Oh...then...lets head to that area to the south west where there's a save point, without walking into this big bulbous bubble that provokes your annoying whining then.
*Team does exactly that*
Klaus: Ok, I just need to use this pay phone to make a phone call!
Edge: ...what's a pay phone?
Klaus: What, you never heard of them?
Edge: Cell Phones are out of date technology by my ti-...er...ALIEN RACE's standards, so we hardly even have a good idea what those are...
Edge's Mind: Phew, dodged a bullet there.
Klaus: Whatever, I'm making this phone call now. *Calls* Yeah, its me, Klaus.  You know, the guy that quit? Yeah, I conveniently decided I want to help you out Milla.  No, this is definitely *NOT* a trap!  I swear, I want to help you out!
*Klaus hangs up the phone*
Klaus: So, the base will arrive any minute, you guys ready to set this trap in motion?
Bacchus: Indeed.  I will take your weapons and become invisible so they can't see me, and then give you them back when we're in the base!
Edge: ...wait, why you can't just go in alone, invisible, kill everything, get Reimi and that cat-girl back, and we walk out unscathed?
Lymle: Cause that's boring, Edgie, 'kay?
Edge: ...touche.

*They enter the base*
Guards: AHA! So you did return after all! And you brought us 3 ALIENS! Awesome, lets arrest them and give you a medal.
Klaus: Yes, thank you, I'll work hard. *turns to Edge* Psst, get into jail and I'll release you. This will also release a bunch of "test subjects" that will cause a ruckus...no, this isn't a convenient excuse to explain why you'll suddenly be dealing with monsters in random encounters instead of guards with shot guns.
Edge: Ok...wait, once you release us, aren't you going to get your ass kicked?
Klaus: Of course not, they'll never catch me!
Edge: What about the Monsters?
Klaus: Oh, I brought my Freak of Nature repellent, don't worry!
Guard: GET INTO THE JAIL CELL DAMN-
*invisible Bacchus smacks Guard while walking through*
Guard: ...what was that? Eh, probably just the wind.  Yeah, the wind is capable of smacking me bluntly like that.  Nevermind that we're indoors and underground, so I'll just ignore that!  ANyway, GET IN THERE!
*in jail*
Bacchus: Here are you weapons guys, I was carrying them awkwardly like this the entire time by balancing them on my arms!
Edge: Say Bacchus, why do we need to wait for him?  Can't one of us with our advanced technology just blast a hole in the wall?
Bacchus: No, we're in jail; didn't you just realize you can't do that in that scenario?
Edge: Yes, but that was cause of *insert techno babble Faize mentioned here*.  These are 1950s Earthlings, NOT super advanced ALIEN LIZARDS.  I think there's a slight difference in technological advancements here.
Faize: Well, Edge, while you were whining, it seems the door opened, so there's no need to use excessive force!

*shift to Klaus*
Guard: YOU BETRAYED US AGAIN WITH THIS ELABORATE TRAP!? HOW COULD YOU!
Klaus: Damn, you guys caught me and beat me up and...haven't shot me yet?  Ok, I'll take this time while I'm laying here and they leave to look at this CRYPTIC OBJECT THAT YOU CAN'T TELL WHAT IT IS FROM THIS CLOSE!
*back with Edge*
Edge: hey look, they have aliens here!
Faize: ...no, those things HAVE TO DIE NOW!
Edge: Why?
Faize: They're an insult to aliens everywhere! I mean, look at them.  They're midgets, with big blue bald heads, and dress in single color suits, and they use psychic energy.  I mean, geez, you can practically see the zipper on their backs.  As a REAL ALIEN, I am outraged by these 1950 Earthling Movie Stereotypes!
Edge: ...well, *ARE* in the 1950s...
Faize: THINGS DON'T WORK THAT WAY!
*after beating up a bunch of cliched aliens*
Edge: Well, that was eas-....
*Big fucking ape appears*
Bacchus: IT would appear that rumors of "Big Foot" were in fact true...and there's an infinite number of them.
Lymle: He smells, 'kay?
*they kill the apes*

Edge: So...is there anything else here?
Faize: Theoretically, Reimi, and that cat-girl Meracle or something.
Edge: You actually remembered her name?
Faize: Yes, didn't you?
Edge: No, I was just thinking about food at that point.  So where is this Cat-girl suppose to be?
*Door opens, 4 foot cat-girl jumps out of nowhere*
Cat-girl: I'M FREE!!! YAY!!!! TIme to fullfill my duty as a cliched overly energetic, high pitched, cat-girl stereotype!
Faize: ...that must be her...
Edge: Hi there!
Meracle: EEEEEK! GET AWAY FROM ME!
*she runs*
Edge: Well crap, now we need to chase her...
*Team follows*
Meracle: OH GOD! Its a monster, and his arms resemble tentacles, and I'm a Japanese Anime Stereotype Demi Human!   OH GOD PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE! ;_;
Edge: BIG DAMN HERO MOMENT POWERS ACTIVATE!!!
*the team beats the shit out of the monster*
Edge: So...uhh...Faize, how come your scan spell could see that bosses HP, but not that stupid Dragon back on the mother ship?
Faize: Dunno, I think Tri-Ace just likes to play with our minds.
Lymle: Hi there, Merry!
*Meracle jumps and kisses Edge*
Edge: Hot damn! Already got a kiss from a cat-girl!
Meracle: That's for saving me! *she kisses the others* that's also for saving me.
Edge: ...she even kissed Bacchus *sigh*
Bacchus: It was no trouble.
Bacchus's "mind": Damn I'm smooth!
Edge: Ok, so Meracle, we're going to take you home, come with us!
Meracle: No! We must find the professor!
Faize: Well, we still have to find Reimi, so we'll probably run into him anyway.

*Team enters a big open area*
Generic Guards: FREEZE ALIENS!
Edge: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!
Woman: HOLD IT DUMB SHITS! I didn't say to attack them!
Edge: ...thanks, whoever you are?
Woman: Hi, my name is Milla Bachtein.  And yes, I'm Klaus' wife...or I use to be...I kept his last name though cause I'm fucking retarded.
Edge: Oh...well, hi there?
Milla: Well, PEOPLE FROM THE FUTURE, that ship is yours, right?
Faize: That's...wait, you know the truth?
Milla: Oh, yes, that girl I most certainly didn't torture who was with you told me willingly!  I'm also a scientist!  Can we please see your awesome energy source so we don't have to use nuclear energy?
Edge: Why do you want to do that?
Milla: TO PROTECT THIS WORLD!  ALso, protect those who aren't born *pats stomach*
Faize: Wait, you're pregnant?
Lymle: I thought Faize's people don't get pregnant, and he doesn't know what it is, 'kay?
Bacchus: Its a plot hole, Lymle, just let it slide.
Lymle: Okay, 'kay.
Edge: Oh, so I can prevent that nuclear war, sure!
Faize: Wait, Edge! THIS COULD HAVE REALLY BAD DOWNSIDES! Like you and Reimi could stop existing or something.
Edge: But I can save the world!
Faize: How do we know we can trust he?
Edge: Look at her! She's got no weird marks on her face, is dressed in a uniform that is COMPLETELY LACKING IN FANSERVICE, and is smiling, of course we can trust her!
Milla: Oh yeah, I'm definitely *NOT* a villain!
Edge: See?  Anyway, here's our device, just promise me you'll work together with aliens from now on, ok? Also, where's my friend?
Milla: She's in this side room!
*Team goes in there*
Edge: Reimi! She's...unconscious...and completely nude...YOU DID EXPERIMENT ON HER! YOU LIAR!
Milla: AHA! WHAT DID YOU THINK? THIS WILL MAKE OUR COUNTRY RULE!
Edge: YOU PROMISED!
Milla: Yeah, we will work with aliens...AS THEIR RULERS! *insert evil laughter here*
Edge: Bacchus, BLAST DOWN THE DOOR NOW!
Bacchus: Would you believe me if I said this entire chamber can survive a nuclear warhead?
Edge: *Sigh* Well shit.
Faize: Well, lets at least make sure Reimi's ok...
*Edge checks on Reimi*
Reimi: Hmm...oh, hi Edge, what happened?
Edge: Thank god you're alright!
*Reimi sits up, throws her blanket off*
Edge: Umm...Reimi, you sure you want to...
*Reimi notices she's completely naked*
Reimi: EDGE YOU PERVERT! *beats the shit out of Edge*
Edge's Mind: ...that was so worth the pain...

*Reimi conveniently gets clothes*
Faize: Um...bad news.  They're trying to use our crystal with a NOT WORKABLE DEVICE.
Edge: What's that mean?
Bacchus: It means the entire planet is completely fucked, with us in it, cause its about to turn into an energy mass.
*Shift to Milla*
Milla: MWAHAHAH! POWER! GIVE ME MORE POWER! I LOVE POWER! WITH THIS I SHALL BRING BACK KEVIN!   I SHALL ALSO BRING BACK KLAUS WHO ISN'T DEAD MY DEAR HUSBAND!  MOMMY WILL BREATHE LIFE INTO YOU BOTH!
*Shift to Edge's crew*
Faize: Oh my god, its worse than I thought, SHE"S COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC!
Edge: We gotta get out of here!
Meracle: Hey, I hear my Ocarina!
*door suddenly opens, Klaus is on other side*
Klaus: Run to your ship, I'll deal with my FUCKING MORON of an Ex-Wife!
Meracle: No! You have to come with us to space! You're my only friend!
Klaus: There's no time! By which I mean you have infinite time cause there's no clock in the corner...
Edge: Sweet! Another RPG Cliche in our favor!
*Klaus gets to Milla*
Milla: YES! I AM SUPREME OVERLORD OF THE SHREWS!
Klaus: Kevin wasn't your fault; our son doesn't want this...even if he's not technically alive...
Milla: ...you're right, I will suddenly stop shouting like a moron.

*at the ship*
Edge: We made it! Wait, Meracle, GET OVER HERE!
Meracle: NO! NOT WITHOUT THE PROFESSOR! He's my only friend!
Edge: We're you're friends too! ...wait, I got a better idea, CUE HALLUCINATION MODE FAIZE!
Faize: Roger!
*Edge looks like Klaus for a split second*
Meracle: PROFESSOR!!!! *she jumps into the ship*
Faize: Uh, Edge, bad news.  Without our power source, we kind, you know, CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE!
Edge: So we need that crystal...WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
Meracle: Crystal? *looks at pendent cues flashback*
Past Meracle: You're my best friend, take this Ocarina Professor!
Klaus: Ok, take this pendant in payment!
Past Meracle: Yay!!!
*end flashback*
Meracle: Say, will this work?
Faize: Wow, that's the BEST FUCKING CRYSTAL I'VE EVER SEEN! Lets do this!

*Team escapes Past Earth, Earth goes boom*
Bacchus: Good news everyone!  We have successfully gotten back to our own time due to some weird spacial interference.
Reimi: Alright, we can go home now!
Bacchus: Oh yeah, and since both Edge and Reimi are still alive, its probably that Earth was in another dimension.
Reimi: Really? That means our home is still alive, right Edge?
Edge: WHY DOES IT MATTER!? Its my fault Earth blew up!
Reimi: But we have proof our earth is still alive!
Edge: SHUT UP! We're suppose to be happy we blew up a planet but ours is still alive? Alternate dimensions be damned, I DESTROYED A PLANET! ITS MY FAULT!  I gave them the key to that Pandora's box! The entire planet blew up. EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING
*3602 Everythings later*
Edge: EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
Faize: In other news, we probably should land on a planet just to make sure the ship is fully ok...
Bacchus: Lets head to Roak.
Reimi: Is that a cheap attempt to link this game with Star Ocean 1?
Bacchus: Yes it is, and by my calculations, it cannot fail!
Reimi: Edge, give the orders to land!
Edge: ...
Reimi: EDGE DO IT DAMN IT!
Lymle: Reirei, Edgie's angsting, 'kay?
Reimi: No, he's not, he'll snap out of it soon, right?
Edge: *Goes Heroic Blue Screen of Death Mode*
Reimi: ...or not.  Ok, until Edge stops being a wanker, I'M THE ACTING LEADER! ANYONE OPPOSE? NO? WELL GOOD! Now, lets head off!
*TV screen turns on*
Welch: HI THERE EVERYONE! WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN A WHILE! I BET EDGE AND REIMI ARE GETTING ALL <3 behind my back!
Meracle: Who are you?
Lymle: Welchie's funny...
Welch: A CAT-GIRL!? So that's who Edge is going out with!
Reimi: Is there any point to this conversation?
Welch: NONE AT ALL!

*after the team gets out of Hyper Space*
Faize: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!!! </Protoss Voice>
Reimi: Uh-oh, whose firing?
Faize: A ship not from Eldar or Earth, so uh...
Reimi: FIRE OUR SPACIAL TORPEDOES!
Faize: Um, this ship is not equipped with such weaponry...
Reimi: So basically, what you're saying is we're screwed?
Faize: Well, unless a  Deus Ex Machina saves us...yes...
*Black Ship gets blasted by a different ship*
Reimi: Oh, how convenient, a Deus Ex Machina!
White Haired Bishie from Eldarian Ship: I have chased off those guys!
Reimi: Thank you for saving us!
WHBfES: Shut up! I didn't save you! I'm clearly going to become a villain later in the game, so remember, I DON'T LIKE YOU!  I'm gone!
Faize: Don't take it personally; 13th Division Eldarians are total jack asses.
Bacchus: So we took some negligible damage WE MUST REPAIR THE SHIP IMMEDIATELY! LEts get to Roak!
Edge: ...do we have to go?
Reimi: Yes.
Edge: Why?
Reimi: Cause our ship is damaged.
Edge: But do we have to land on a Star Ocean 1 planet?
Reimi: Do YOU see any better planets? NO? THOUGHT SO! Now quit your angsting, get your sword out, we're gonna have to beat up some monsters on the overworld in an attempt to repair our ship! This will also require us running around like maniacs and getting to a town!
*Star Ocean 1's Astral Music kicks in*
Meracle: How nostalgic!
Bacchus: This place is like the middle ages of Earth, so we have nothing to worry about!
Reimi: Right, lets get going!
*team starts travelling*
Meeple: You know, I should probably start changing my team around to use lowest level characters now that I have more than 5.  *puts Edge and Bacchus on reserves for Reimi and Meracle* ...wait, did I just replace an easy to use Swordguy and Mega Man with an aRcher and a Cat-girl?
Meeple's Brain: Yes, you did
Meeple: Ok.
*Random Encounter engages*
Reimi: There's something...different about this fight...
Faize: What do you mean?
Reimi: The music...its...completely different...
Bacchus: Oh, that's For Achieve.  Its Star Ocean 1's battle theme.
Reimi: They're really going all out on the fanservice, aren't they?
Bacchus: My algorithms state that this would be the case.
Reimi: ...aren't you suppose to be on reserves and out of this battle?
Bacchus: Oh, right, sorry! *he disappears*
*fight ends, team shifts around a bit, etc.*
Lymle: Hey, those people have a tail like Merry.  Is this Merry's home?
Faize: Probably!
Meracle: I dunno, I told you I don't remember anything besides being a stow away!  Though it smells similar to what I remember...
Reimi: Enough talking, lets move out!
Faize: Just as a warning, due to bad programming, we might get hit with a random encounter as soon as we get out of this plot scene...
Reimi: That's not going to-...

*It happens*
Reimi: ...Faize, next time, please tell us BEFORE the plot scene?
Faize: Will do! But these things are hard to anticipate.
*battle ends, Edge got winning blow*
Edge: *just stands there not saying anything despite leveling*
Reimi: Damn it Edge! You're suppose to be cheerful when you win!
Edge: ...but I'm still angsting, I can't break out of character...
Reimi: ...I think I'm going to be stuck as leader for QUUIIIITE a while.  On the upside, I think I've gained some character development, as I stopped being an annoying whiny bitch and am actually acting like strong willed female lead!
Lymle: Stop breaking the fourth wall, Reirei, 'kay?
Bacchus: Yes, and...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?
*A person on a large Pink rabbit jumps by*
Lymle: BUNNY!!!!!!!!!
Reimi: He's lucky; it'd be so much easier if we had one of those!
Meeple: ...god damn do I need a save point and a shop.  I'm running out of resources for like the first time ever!
*Team reaches town*
Meeple: FUCK YES! Now I can...*plot scene occurs, it skips a few times* You better not fucking freeze on me game! *Game actually listens* Good...
*shift a few minutes earlier to plot scene*
Faize: Ah, finally a town...
Edge: Whatever...
Freaky Monks: Eyesu Dome Nei *Smacks selves in the head* Doma en erequiem *smacks self*
Reimi: I wonder what's up with them.
Edge: Who cares, it has nothing to do with us...
Reimi: I...guess...you're...right?  Oh well lets...wait, my leg seems to suddenly have something wrong with it? Oh, I'm sure its nothing!


------
Faize: Bacchus, can I ask you a question?
Bacchus: Yes?
Faize: Let me get this straight.  Reimi gets kidnapped, stripped naked, probably raped, and suddenly is now suddenly acting more secure with herself instead of just smacking Edge, right?
Bacchus: Yes, she is, I seem to have picked that up myself.
Faize: HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ANY REMOTE REALISTIC SENSE!?
Bacchus: You're looking for realism in a video game...don't.

[Meeplelard]

Episode 3 - Stone Sickness, Tournament Fights, Ancient Civilization, Archfiends and Special Children...yep, all original Ideas to the series!

Narrator: So our heroes enter Tatroi, a typical Fellpool city that clearly wasn't in the original Star Ocean!  When last we left...
Girl's Voice: AAAAAAH!
Narrator: ...damn it, I wasn't finished!
Meracle: Hey, did everyone here that? That sounded like a scream for help!
Faize: Yes, but it lacked that sense of urgency for it to be a distress call...
Girl's Voice: Someone save me! Please!
NOTE: The voice sounds completely insincere and like its bad acting.  The "Aaaah!" sounded like that too.
Reimi: Edge, someone's in trouble, this is your time to shine!
Edge: Angst. Brood. ...does anybody have a spare sharp pain of glass? My wrists are lacking in scars...
Reimi: ...*sigh* Alright, we're going to help her!
*Team rushes to alley way where a bunch of hooded freaks are torturing a girl*
Reimi: Get your hands off her!
Lymle: You are bad people, 'kay?
Bacchus *in stealth mode*: I'm afraid you'll go no further.
Girl: Oh, you've come to help me!
Hooded Freaks: HISSS! MAIN CHARACTERS! KILL!!!!
Reimi: I hear a battle theme coming on, we're gonna have to do this boss ba-...
Edge: YAAAAAAH!
*Edge comes in out of nowhere, sword in hand and kicks the shit out of all 3 guys single handedly without breaking a sweat, in a plot scene, while the SO1 Battle theme plays*
Meracle: Wasn't he angsting just a few seconds ago?
Edge: ...what the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this? ARGH! I SAID I WASN'T GOING TO INTERACT!
Meracle: Ok, so it wasn't just me, just checking!
Girl: Hi, my name is Sarah Leremey! I hope you don't mind my incredibly over the top high pitch voice that sounds 100% fake!
Edge: GET OUT OF HERE YOU HOODED FREAKS!
Bacchus: You know, if you don't want to kill them, you could have at least tied them up and handed them over to the law enforcement on this planet...
Sarah: Wow, you're big and weird looking
Bacchus: Uh...oh, right, I can be scene *goes back into stealth mode*
Sarah: He disappeared!
Faize: Both of you are absent minded...
Reimi: So...are you alright?
Lymle: Hey! Her wings moved! She's got real wings, 'kay.
Meracle: Wings? Like a bird? .....CHICKEN!!!!!!
Sarah: I'm not a chicken! Say, haven't I seen you two before *looking at Edge and Reimi*
Reimi: No, we haven't met...
Sarah: Aha! I know! You two are from the Muah, I've seen your statues in the Purgatorium!
Reimi: Muah? we've heard that name before haven't we...

*Flash back to moment Meeple didn't mention earlier*
Lizard Freak: Yes, you have two descendants of the Muah with you! Fine specimens indeed!
Edge: ...what the hell are you talking about?
Lizard Freak: QUIET INFERIOR LIFEFORM!
*end flashback*

Faize: Purgatorium? I think I know what our first big fetch quest on this Fanservice Planet is!
Sarah: Yes, let me show you my thanks by guiding you there!
Edge: NO! NEVER! I WILL NOT INTERACT WITH YOU PEOPLE! I REFUSE!
Reimi: *smacks Edge over the head with a mallet* You aren't the leader right now, I am, SO SHUT UP!
Edge: *recovers immediately* I STILL REFUSE DAMN IT!
Lymle: Sarry's nice, I want her to be with us, yay!
Edge: WELL I DON'T!
Reimi: ...ok, since my idiot of a best friend won't stop, I guess we have no choice but to decline your offer.
Sarah: Oh, but I can at least tell you you'll need a Bunny to cross the desert!

*Sarah leaves*
Reimi: So...a bunny...where can we get one of those?
Faize: Hey, lets ask that tent outside of town about it!
Meracle: Oh! A bunny is a big thing that hops, and is really tastey!
Bacchus: So basically that thing we saw not too long ago?
Meracle: Yep!
*They talk to everyone at the Nomad tent...or so Meeple thinks*
Meeple: Well, that did shit for me, I guess I'll explore some and find the right person to speak too..
*Does so for about a half hour, finding nothing*
Meeple: ...I'll talk to those nomads ONE MORE TIME!
*Does so, gets a different conversation from one of the guys he was CERTAIN he talked too but apparently talked to the adjacent person 3 times despite Edge's position indicating otherwise*
Meeple: ...the conversation detection system in this game really sucks...
*back through the 4th wall*
Random Nomad: Oh, yeah, ask the Elder about it! He'll know!  He's on the other side of the tent, sleeping!
Reimi: Sounds like a plan!  Oh yeah, my leg is acting up again...this is clearly not a sign of bad things going to happen soon, nope!
Elder: *starts speaking some weird language that's a combination of spanish, japanese, ebonics, and fucking retardness*
Faize: Great, an ancient language.  You know, the kind our translators can't do shit with? Bacchus, you understand him?
Bacchus: Not at all.
*Random girl comes out of the tent*
White Haired Girl: Hi there, this is my Grandpa! He only soeaks the ancient tongue and knows a lot about bunnies.
Lymle: But we cna't understand him, 'kay.
WHG: Oh, don't worry, I can translate for you!
Meracle: OOOH! HOW CONVENIENT!
WHG: You indeed need a bunny to cross over the desert...but you can't have ours! ITS OUR LITTLE SPECIAL FLUFFY KINS!
Faize: Um...so how are we going to get over the desert?
WHG: Oh, you can go catch a bunny yourself in the forest over there! Now that you spoke to me, I have triggered their existence!  Here's how you catch a bunny! *Summons her own*
Reimi: Is that a summon?
Bacchus *still in seatlh mode*: (No, a summon requires a contract)
Reimi: Ah! Right! Lymle only has a flaming dog for that right!
Lymle: Bunnies are cute.
Faize: Anyway, what she did was Transfusion.  You see...
*For the next 3 hours, Faize starts technobabble, mysticism, etc. about Transfusion, despite there being an underdeveloped civilzation right in front of him*
Faize: ITS TRULY AMAZING!
Reimi: FAIZE! YOU MORON! You just broke like every single Sci-Fi law in existence!
Faize: Oh, oops, guess I got carried away...say, can you teach me that?
WHG: Not unless you become part of our tribe!
Faize: ...maybe I will then!
WHG: Anyway, take these; its reigns required for taming a Bunny!
Reimi: Great! Lets get going then!

*the team leaves*
WHG: Wait! You with the green hair, please come here!
Faize: Huh? Me? Ok...
WHG: You're so hot and sexy...I want you to have this black cloak!
Faize: Uh, ok...
WHG: It'll double asmaking you look friendlier to bunnies!
Faize: Useful...well how do I look?
WHG: ...well, not...as good as I had hoped...
Lymle: Hey Faize, you're taking forever, 'kay? Also, that thing you're wearing looks stupid, 'kay?
Faize: ...that girl over there said the same thing.
Reimi: Oh, Faize, where have you been...AWWWWW! THAT BLACK GARMENT YOU'RE WEARING LOOKS CUTE!!!
Faize: ...
Meracle: Anyway, meow, we need to go get that tastey-...er...useful Bunny!
Reimi: TO THE FOREST WE GO!
*in the Forest, lots of Pink bunnies are there*
*Meracle: *somehow dons a knife, fork, and napkin* TASTEY BUNNIES! YUM! HERE I COME!!!!!
Faize: NO! We aren't trying to EAT them, just capture them!
(The above two lines actually happen in game)
Bacchus: Well then, I suggest we go get those Bunnies now...
Faize: Right! Everyone, lets go!
Reimi: Awww, I feel...cliched damsel in distress like *She faints*
Edge: Reimi! Are you alright?
Meracle: Oh no! She has a fever or something!
Faize: TO THE HOSPITAL IN TATROI WE GO!

*Tatroi is on fire, people are being turned to demons, etc.*
Sarah: HUH!!? What the...oh, it was just a dream.  That's clearly not foreshadowing though!  Seems the people next to me are energetic too though...
*next door*
Edge: Reimi, please tell me you're alright!
Reimi: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! Please forgive me.  Vincent, I FUCKING HATE YOU.  But I'm still sorry.
Faize: It looks like she's having a bad dream, and not apologizing to us...
Bacchus: By my calculations, the nightmare is she's forced to play the role of Lucrecia in Dirge of Cerberus.
Meracle: OH GOD! Is there any fate worse than that?
Lymle: Reimi's all hard, 'kay? Normally she's soft...
Edge: Huh? *takes her glove off* OMG SHE'S TURNING TO STONE! BACCULUS!!!!!!!!!!!
Bacchus: Wait! Come down Edge, its not Bacculus.
Edge: ...oh, what it is?
Bacchus: Just an epidemic with similar effects to Bacculus on this very planet.  Its called...STONE SICKNESS!!!
Reimi: Something like this...can't kill me...don't worry...Edge...also, STAY AWAY FROM ME HOJO!
Faize: ...are we really going so far as to have the same problems in a game that's suppose to take place several hundred years into the future, just for continuities sake?
Bacchus: Yes, we are, except here comes the retcon; THE DISEASE IS...
Sarah: CURABLE!!! There's a remedy!
Lymle: Sarry!!!
Sarah: If you want the remedy, lets go to Astral Castle, the King will give it to you!
Edge: Ok, lets go for Reimi's sake.
Sarah: Oh, how weird; she had no incubation period, but the disease is spreading slowly...but that's not a big deal, just weird!

*on the ship*
Faize: ok, why do you have wings instead of a tail?
Sarah: Oh, I'm a Featherfolk, aka "Sacred Wings" aka people who can fly aka I can't fly cause I'm the token useless one in the present day.
Faize: So...basically you have wings and they're useless, but everyone else in your race can use them?
Sarah: Yep!  But hey, I'm friends with the King of Astral, so all is good!  Oh yeah, can you stop by Tropp after this on the way to Purgatorium and meet with Eleyna?
Meracle: ELEYNA!? THE ELEYNA WHO RODE ON A HUGE KITTY AND SAVED THE WORLD! OH WOW! I SAW THAT IN A PICTURE BOOK! ITS SO COOOOOOLLL!!!
Sarah: Well, she...is a powerful seer...
Faize: Ok, we'll do it.
Sarah: Hey, there's the castle!
Edge: Reimi, hang on, we're almost there!

*in the castle*
King Astral: Yes, I'm the king.  Yes, I have long white hair and am incredibly attractive...but my skin is dark, see? So I can avoid cliches of being an evil douche as a result!
Sarah: Oh king, please give my friends the cure to the Stone Sickness.
King Astral: Ok, sure, but...why didn't you just ask a simple Pharmacist?
Sarah: Cause you control all the medicine now due to your douche predecessor not trying to help out people who were in need, so you instead sell it cheaply...
King Astral: Ah, right, forgot about that...
Sarah: Oh, by the way, I think the Demon Lord is rising again!
King Astral: *Gasp* Not...ASMODEUS!!!
Lymle: What's an ASMODEUS!!!?
Bacchus: According to my calculations, he's the primary antagonist throughout most of the first Star Ocean game, however, since our game is a prequel, you are going to forget I said any of that.
Lymle: 'kay.
Sarah: He's been doing acts behind the scenes, and there's an evil group dedicated to reviving him!
Meracle: Well, good! IF he does things in secret, we won't have to worry about him if he's not here!
Faize: I don't think it works that way...
King Astral: Nevertheless! ...it'll take time for the medicine to finish, please wait in the castle until then.

*later that day*
Edge: Yawn, angsting is tiring.  I'll just brood in the sunlight...huh?
*Big bald black guy appears below the balcony running*
Edge: ...wonder who that is? Eh, not my concern.
Faize: Hey, the remedy is ready! Lets go get it!
Edge: Oh, right, ok.
*back at the throne*
King Astral: LYAS! GO GET THE CRIMINAL NOW!
Lyas: UNDERSTOOD MILORD!
Edge: Something happen?
King Astral: Yes, the BLACK EAGLE!!!! has stolen your remedy and all the ingredients for it! No, its not a major loss, except that hundreds of people are going to die.
Edge: Oh...what's this guy look like?
King Astral: Dunno...oh, he has a black eagle tatoo on his back.
Edge: ...I DID IT AGAIN! I DID SOMETHING REALLY STUPID AGAIN BY BEING INDECISIVE! I gotta catch this guy! LEAVE IT TO ME KING!
Lymle: What did Edgie do?
Faize: I think he saw the guy and didn't do anything to stop him...but really, considering the plot scene, can you blame him?  He had no clue who he was and didn't think much of him, and lets face it, would YOU jump off a balcony that high?
Bacchus: Either way, we have to chase this guy.  My scanners indicate he ran to the Colosseum!

*at the Colosseum*
Lymle: Everyone here looks scary, kay.
Meracle: Yeah, everyone's serious about winning.
Faize: Edge, enter.  If you fight with all your advanced styles, you can't possibly lose.
Edge: But I might screw up this planet like I did the other by introducing a foreign fighting style! Yes, my sword fighting style can DESTROY THE WORLD!
Faize: ...well, if Edge won't enter, I will!  I have all the same advantages, except I'm not angsting, so I can HELP A FRIEND IN NEED! Also, I have you to thank for my sudden spontaneous actions Edge.
Sarah: Actually, you know, if you act for good benefits, you can't be held responsible for things that happen after, especially if you don't know the outcome.  Its better to act than to run!
Edge: ...ok, you're right; its easy to run, but Reimi needs my help, I'LL FIGHT!
*Colosseum*
Announcer: THIS GUY KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF 9 WARRIORS EFFORTLESSLY! The next victim? EEEEEEEEEEEEDGE MAVEEEERRIIIICK!
Edge: *sigh* Guess I gotta do this...I INVOKE THE POWERS OF HORRIBLE VOICE ACTING! AID ME!
*Battle starts*
Edge: DEMON SPIRAL HAMMER! OMEGA DEMON CHAOS! DEMON LIGHTNING HAMMER! MEGA SONIC THRUST! Rising...PHOENIX!  Sonic...CHAOS!!! Twin Sonic BLADE!!! NEOSONICSWARM!!!!
Black Eagle: OH DEAR GOD! That voice acting and fighting style...I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT COMBO! *loses*
*fight ends*
Edge: Now give me the materials!
Black Eagle: I don't know what you're talking about.
Edge: *gives him an evil stare*
Black Eagle: I mean...here you go! JUST GET THAT ANGST AWAY FROM ME! I WAS PAID TO DO THIS BY GUYS I DON'T KNOW!
Lyas: Aha! We found him!
Edge: Huh? I saw you at the castle...
Lyas: Ah, good job, you're Edge right? You stopped the criminal!  I must thank you, we are like peons compared to you!
Edge: No, I didn't do much, I shouldn't have-...
Lyas: NONSENSE! You saved the day! Thanks to you, hundreds will be cured.  You're a hero!
Edge: No, I'm...not a hero...
Lyas: Oh, right...YOU'RE A SUPER HERO!!! Everyone, give your applause for our new SUPER HERO Edge!
Crowd: Edge Edge Edge! Edge Edge Edge!
Edge: I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS! AAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Lyas: Oh, right, here's the potion; it belongs to you.  Now, HERO, go heal your friend!
Edge: ...I'm...not...a....*sigh*

*back with Reimi*
Edge: Reimi, drink this, please!
*Reimi recovers instantly, her neck glows pink*
Edge: You're alright, thank goodness!
Lymle: Reirei's squishy again!  She's not hard anymore, but she's squishy, 'kay? </actual line of dialog>
Sarah: Wow, she recovered way too fast, its really weird!
Reimi: Huh? I did?
Sarah: Yeah, and your disease acted weird too...
Faize: Its that symbol on your neck, isn't it?
Reimi: Oh, I...guess I gotta come clean about my CLICHE SPECIAL ASPECT!
Bacchus: Oh, this should be interesting.
Reimi: Ok, basically, our planet sucks and no one can live there.  So they started genetically creating SUPER HUMANS to live wherever possible, based on people from an ancient race that suddenly vanished from Earth.  But every single person failed...except for three successes.  Normally, we are exactly like regular humans, but when we get EMOTIONAL!!! we gain super powers!
Edge: ...and you're one of the three?
Reimi: Yes, I was the first.  The second was Crowe.
Edge: Crowe? Really? That's a surprise!
Reimi: And you're the 3rd, Edge!
Edge: ...
Reimi: Did I say something wrong.
Edge: ...I dunno, maybe just that I'M NOT NORMAL IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORD.
Faize: I think he's handling it pretty well...
Reimi: We each have different special traits, the three of us.  Me, I adapt to scenarios incredibly well.  So when I was sick, I could have survived that no problem.  YOU GOT THE MEDICINE FOR NOTHING! What did you think I meant when I said "Something like this can't kill me?" YOU THINK THAT WAS ALL TALK? I WAS BEING SERIOUS DAMN IT! LOVE ME!!! ;_;
Edge: So...why did they do this to us again?
Reimi: FOR THE FUTURE OF THE PLANET! WE ARE TO BRING HAPPINESS TO EVERYONE AND SAVE THE HUMAN RACE!
Edge: So...uh...when did you learn about this? Cause we've known each other our entire lives, and never once did you tell me this...despite me directly involved...no one told me in fact...actually, THIS ISn'T MAKING ANY FUCKING SENSE AT ALL! ARGH! It was easier just angsting about trivial manners...
Reimi: Well, basically, me a bunch of friends went to this polluted place...they all died cause we were morons, but because I'm SPESHUL, I lived!  Everyone wanted me dead and blamed me...except my parents, they said "You'll bring happiness!"  So I've been living off those words!  I'm sorry I didn't tell any of you guys this until now...
Lymle: Reirei is Reirei, its ok.
Bacchus: As I said, meeting you has brought warmth to this cold steel body of mine.  </actual line of dialog>  Now I must be going.
Faize:  Bacchus is getting bashful! Now excuse me, I don't want you to see me getting bashful either, so I must be going. </Also rough line of actual dialog>
Sarah: I say we girls go and let the two main characters have a tender moment, eh?
Meracle: Have fun you too ~_^
Lymle: Bye-bye!

Reimi: ...Edge, do you hate me?
Edge: ...what do you think?
Reimi: Ok, good, you don't!
Edge: ...
Reimi: Listen, Edge, I'm sorry.  But my power actually makes me worried.  Cause you see, if everyone were to catch a disease, everyone would die...BUT ME! I'd be living alone! I could never live with that pain!
Edge: ...you're practically immortal and you're upset over THAT? I mean, you haven't even told me what my special powers are!
Reimi: Oh, right...and I still won't! Anyway, but my powers can only benefit me see.  You, on the otherhand...
Edge: I still don't know my powers, remember...
Reimi: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR POWERS! ITS ABOUT YOU BEING YOU!  Listen, because of what you DID, you saved so many people!  Me, I can't do that.  You're special cause of WHO you are!
*Reimi passionately hugs Edge, the two get dangerously close to kissing position several times*
Reimi: You've done nothing wrong.  You'll be back to your old self eventually!
Edge: ...its going to take a while though...
Reimi: Well, we still have like 40 hours of this game left, so you'll have plenty of time, don't worry!

*outside the door*
Meracle: DAMN IT YOU TWO! GET IT ON ALREADY MEOW!!!
Bacchus: Hmm...I don't think they're going to do "it" this time...
Faize: I'm curious about this "mating" ritual that Earthlings go through...but it seems that isn't the case.
Lymle: Huh? What are you all doing?
Faize: ...say, does this scene we're parodying actually happen in the game itself?
Sarah: Of course not!
Faize: Oh, right...also, I have another thing I must question about this plot.
Bacchus: What is it this time?
Faize: So Edge, Reimi and Crowe are 3 special humans given special powers by scientists from this thing called "Project Hope", right?
Bacchus: Yes?
Faize: And all their powers are supposedly different in terms of what they specialize in, right?
Sarah: I don't see where you're going with this.
Faize: That's cause you're from an underdeveloped planet! But anyway...didn't...this series...already do this EXACT SAME PLOT TWIST? Like, ONE GAME ago?
Bacchus: AH! But that game takes place like 700 hundred years in the future!  So you see, it is a completely different scenario!
Faize: ...no, I'm...oh screw it.

[Meeplelard]

Episode 4 - When Gameplay Filler Degrades from Plot that isn't really there

Edge: *Yawns* Man, I can't sleep, I think this is a good time to go outside and brood some more about how much my life sucks.
*Bandits appear out of nowhere*
Bandit #1: HA! Its the guy from the Colosseum!
Bandit #2: Yes! And we know your secret!
Bandit #3: Yeah! We know how you won!
Edge: ...wait, you mean you know about...ok, but can I ask why none of you have tails or wings like the rest of the people on this planet?
Bandit #1: ...shut up! OUR DEFICIENCIES CAUSED BY LAZY PROGRAMMING ARE NOT TO BE MENTIONED!
Bandit #2: Anyway, give us that special sword of yours! It glows and powers up and such!
Bandit #3: Yes, its all that sword's power!
Edge: ...uhh...I bought this sword in this town.  The basic weapon shop sells it everywhere.
Bandit #2: You fool! You mean that isn't the "Famed Sword" Veinslay that was behind the King's Throne that's slightly better!?
Edge: ...there was...well, thanks for telling me!
Bandit #3: Screw it, GRAB HIS SWORD ANYWAY!
Edge: *tosses guy over his shoulder* No.  Its not my sword that gave me power, its what I did with it!  Also, even though this sword is not high-tech, I'm going to pretend it is, and use this moment to whine about how my actions here clearly do play a dangerous impact on this world, or any underdeveloped planet. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THAT PSYCHO-BITCH ON ALTERNATE EARTH! ONLY WANTING TECHNOLOGY FOR YOURSELF!
Bandit #1: Hiss! GET HIM!
Edge:  You guys do realize you have no chance, right? I mean, I'm a main character, you're just generic nobodies who don't even have nametags. *to himself* Crap, 3 on 1, this isn't going to be easy.


*The 3 bandits get shocked out of nowhere and die*
Edge: ...did I do that when I jumped into a defensive stance or...
Not-Nedian Pink Haired Girl from Before: Hi, I just saved you.  My name is Myuria.  Yes, I'm telling you it now only so we can cut the stupid generic name bullshit.
Edge: Ok, works for me.
Myuria:  Anyway, we keep running into each other!
Edge: Yeah...and you keep saving me when I don't ask you to...
Myuria: You're an Earthling, I can tell by your armor!  You're just like that other guy...except he had red hair.
Edge: CROWE!!!!!!!!!!!
Myuria: Ah, so that's his name.  Good, NOW I KNOW WHAT TO CALL HIM WHEN I GO TO EAT HIS SOUL!
Edge: Wait, you want to kill him?
Myuria: Yes, and eat his soul...
Edge: Somehow, I don't believe you're going to do that; you look more like the "Blast him into oblivion" type.
Myuria: ...ok, you got me there.
Edge: Why do you want to kill him anyway?
Myuria: DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID TO ME!?
Edge: ...Crowe, who is my best friend by the way despite me always wanting to be better than him cause its a cliched scenario...not to mention Reimi is also SUPPOSE to be my best friend...actually, I'm not sure what the fuck is up with whose my friends anymore.  But enough of that banther!  CROWE WOULD NEVER RAPE SOMEONE LIKE YOU!
Myuria: Wait, Rape? Oh heavens no! All he did was kill my lover.
Edge: ...oh.  Well, I can sort of see him doing that...but I still don't believe you!  I BELIEVE IN CROWE!  I believe in Reimi and my friends too!
Myuria: What about yourself?
Edge: Oh, I fucking hate myself, and can't trust myself anymore, so I only trust my friends.
Myuria: Oh, well...just to destroy your views of trust, OBSERVE THIS FLASHBACK THEN!
*still shots show her in an escape pod, a ship blowing up, and Crowe laughing like a mad man*

Edge: ...you do realize I can't actually see those, and they're just there for the player to see, right?
Myuria: Yes, I do, but now I have to go.  When we're done on this planet, I'm going to follow you.
Edge: In otherwords, you're inevitably going to become a party member, only so you can find and kill the person I'm trying to reunite with?
Myuria: Yes, yes I am.  And I'm fully aware how cliche that is.
Edge: Ok, just making sure.
*the next morning*
Meracle: Edge, wake up! We got a problem!
Edge: Huh, what?
Lymle: Sarrie's gone.
Edge: Where's she go?  I certainly hope that WIDE OPEN WINDOW HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
Meracle: *holding a large fork and knife* Yeah, she wasn't here this morning and NO! I DIDN'T EAT HER!
*Everyone stares at her*
Meracle: Huh? Oh...uh...these...they're...heheheheh ^^;
Reimi: Well, she can't fly despite her wings so it probably doesn't...
Faize: I'm back from looking around, and I found this guy with a feather.  Oh yeah, it seems she got kidnapped.
Bacchus: This is all my fault! I WASN'T SCANNING THE AREA LIKE ANY GOOD ROBOT SHOULD!
Edge: Hey now big guy, cheer up! I'm suppose to be the whiny little bastard here!
Bacchus: Oh, my mistake.
Reimi: We should go look for her.
Faize: I agree, but suddenly, I have decided that Edge is in charge again!  Yes, this suddenly happened when you were incapacitated, Reimi, and couldn't be acting leader, as Edge is leader again.
Edge: I am? Oh, er...I mean...uh...yeah, lets...go...find Sarah?
The whole team: OK!
Edge: But first, I think we should stop by our ship.  I WANT TO DO SOME ITEM CREATION!!!

*on the way to the ship, as they cross the bridge*
Lymle: Hey, no one is at the tent, 'kay?
Faize: I'll go inside and look! I'll be back!
*Faize goes inside the tent, Lymle follows*
Faize: OH MY GOD! There's soup being cooked and the beds aren't made! I have...no clue what this implies...
Lymle: No one's here...
Faize: Why did you come here Lymle?
Lymle: I wanted a cape just like you have, 'kay? It looks ugly on you, but it'd look cool on me, 'kay? </rough actual line of dialog>
Faize: Oh, well, I just came here to thank everyone, but they're not here, SO LETS GO!
*at the Calnus*
Edge: ok, I press this button here and...wait, A PLOT SCENE!? How bad can it...
Welch: HIYA EDGE!!!
Edge: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Welch: Hey, what's with the Death Wails? You gotta cheer up! Stop being so down.
Edge: Its called post Heroic Blue Screen of Death Angst, these things don't recover very fast...
Welch: Yeah, well, you gotta be cheerful.  HERE! Observe this Cheerleader chant about the SRF to cheer you up!
*She does an actual cheer leader type thing.  No, I am not making this up*
Welch: THere, feeling better now?
Edge: Hate...life...
Welch: Oh, good! An improvement! Well, later!
Edge: ...can we finally make stuff?

*bunch of item creation nonsense later where nothing of note was made*
Reimi: So we went back to the Calnus when we were suppose to go look for someone we have no leads on how to find them, right?
Faize: Well, clearly, we should just go over the desert cause we haven't done that yet!
Bacchus: That would be a fine idea!
Meracle: Yeah, lets go ea-...er...FIND A BUNNY!
Faize: Hey, there's one right there! Edge, being the leader, you're the one whose going to ride it while we just sort of tail end it somehow...
Edge: ...why do we have to ride the pink one?  Can't we look for a black one or something?  I'm still somewhat emo, so pink really doesn't fit me.
Lymle: Bunnies are always pink, 'kay?
Edge: ...stupid lagomorphic *grumbles*
*Edge jumps on Bunny, gets over the sand dunes*
Edge: Ok, there's a chest and...wait, I have to get off the Bunny to get it? Ok *gets off, Bunny runs away* ...crap, we're stuck here.   Well, might as well run around opening chests, harvesting and mining.
*He does that, accidentally steps into quicksand, ends up back at the entrance despite the quick sand being on the complete opposite side of the desert.*

Edge: ...ok, so there is a way out of here, just requires getting my boots full of sand.
Reimi: Well, on the upside, I JUST GOT A MELEE ATTACK! NOW I CAN KICK THINGS!
Lymle: That's great Reirei!
Faize: ...doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of you being an archer?
Reimi: Doesn't Opera from Star Ocean 2 use her gun like a club most of the time?
Faize: ...touche...
*Edge runs back, gets bunny, hopes over some more quicksand*
Edge: Ok, we're leaving the desert and...
*Insert Disc 2*
Bacchus: It would appear to properly progress through the game, as much as just moving from one area to the next, you would have to place another disc in.
Edge: Couldn't they have chosen a MORE LOGICAL POINT, like when Reimi got healed or something?
Reimi: Quit whining and put the disc in!  I need to get more plot scenes so I can get to my own self loathing damn it!
Edge: No! I refuse! ...Meracle, you do it.
Meracle: Ok, MEOW!
*disc is changed, game starts up right at the desert entrance*
Bacchus: Well, it seems we've gotten over that external game interference, shall we continue onward?
Faize: Is there anymore plot between now and when we save the game and turn it off?
Bacchus: No, no there is not.  Just a bunch of harpies, more desert, and...
Meracle: OH GOD A MIDGET THIEF THAT'S IN MOST STAR OCEAN GAMES! KILL IT!
Bacchus: ...those...
*battle starts*
Faize: Hark! It is an omen! As hymns resound that shalt be offered as a sacrifice upon the feast of Madness! CARNAGE ANTHEM!
Thief #1: I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Thief #2: I DON"T WANNA DIE!
Thief #3: GLORY TO AIRYGLAAAARRGH!!!
*battle ends*
Bacchus: Censors indicate there are a lot of items in this area.
Faize: How do you suggest we find them?
Bacchus: Analyzing the scenario, the best idea I can come up with is to Comb the Desert.
*hours later*
Reimi: Um, Edge?
Edge: Yeah?
Reimi: Don't you think we're taking Bacchus' advice a little too literal?
Edge: No you fool! He told us to comb the desert, so that's what we're doing! Lymle, have you found anything yet?
*Lymle is holding a huge comb*
Lymle: Not yet, 'kay!
Edge: How about you, Meracle?
*Meracle is holding another comb*
Meracle: Nothing yet, meow!
Edge: How about you, Faize?
*Faize is holding an afro pick*
Faize: I aint found shit!

----

Faize: So in the 2-3 hours playing this game, did we accomplish anything?
Bacchus: Besides a bunch of random encounter slaying? No, not really.

[Meeplelard]

Episode 5 - The Hopeful End of Fanservice...AHAHAHAHAH YEAH RIGHT!

Reimi: So this is Purgatorium…how old fashioned.
Faize: Of course it is; this IS an underdeveloped planet of course.
Reimi: Ok, sure, ruin the atmosphere.
Faize: Whatever, in other news, I think we found the statues Sarah was talking about.
Reimi: Oh, really? Where are they and what makes you think they’re them?
*Faize points to two huge fucking statues that strongly resemble Reimi and Edge*
Reimi: I…see…
Edge: Do ancient civilizations really think I look like that?
Reimi: Who knows? All I know is I have to be profound about how we both have their genes in our bodies!
Faize: Well, if you must know, I think they’re just meant to represent Earthlings in general, but they still look like you!
Lymle: Everyone, here! Merry found something!
Meracle: I think Sarah’s behind this BIG STONE WALL!!!!
Bacchus: Hmm…scanners indicate she is probably here.
Faize: Yeah, so does my I-Pod!
Edge: Wait, your I-Pod can follow people?
Faize: Yes, can’t your earthling ones?
Edge: No, we’re still a hundred years behind you on technology, just we’re advanced enough to actually understand what the fuck you’re talking about, remember?
Faize: Oh, right.  In any event, this giant stone wall poses a threat.
Edge: So…basically, we can’t do crap, and we hit a wall, literally?
Faize: That’s one way to put it.
Meracle: I know, I know! When you’re stuck, you just ask someone, Meow! Lets ask Eleyna like Sarah wanted too!
Edge: …so we have to go to Tropp? Ok, so where is that place?
Bacchus: Well, there was one other path outside that cave, so its either there, or we’re lost for good.
Reimi: So it’s a total luck shot? I LIKE THOSE ODDS!

*team heads to Tropp, which happens to be conveniently where they had hoped*
Edge: …why is there a huge crowd over there?
*scene shift to crowd watching a huge Mustache Man, who shall be known as Priest for simplicity*
Priest: HEED US! We are here to bring forth salvation…in the form of ASMODEUS!!!
Crowd: YOU’RE THAT EVIL CHURCH!
Priest: Evil? Oh heaves no! Just the Archfiend is misunderstood! You know that medicine that cures the sick? WELL ITS AVAILABLE ONLY TO THE NOBLES!
Pink Haired Girl: …he’s right…
Priest: HE WILL SAVE US ALL! He will come and BURN US ALL TO ASHES AND DESTROY EVERYTHING!!!!
Crowd: Hey, isn’t that, you know, A BAD THING?
Priest: OF COURSE NOT! You will be saved if you follow him!
Crowd: Oh, well, YES WE WILL FOLLOW THAT EVIL GUY!!
Priest: Thank you, now I must be off, to convert more people to our Cu-…er…I mean our sacred order!
*back to party*
Faize: Just so we’re clear, we all know that guy is completely full of shit, and his Archfiend ASMODEUS!!! doesn’t actually exist, right?
Bacchus *in stealth mode*: Yes, but he’s an inspirational speak, he’s probably getting followers at an alarming rate here.
Edge: Whatever, lets go meet with Eleyna and get this over with.

*Team heads to her house*
Edge: OPEN UP YOU DAMN WITCH! NOW!
Lymle: *opens door* Door was already open, ‘kay.  I’m going inside now, ‘kay. </rough actual line>
Edge: Well, that answers that
*inside the house*
Faize: No one has found any sign of her.
Lymle: She must be really good at playing hide and seek, ‘kay. </another actual line>
Reimi: Hey, look, THE ENTIRE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! SOMEONE MUST HAVE DONE THIS OUTSIDE!
Edge: Oh god, WE’RE GONNA DIE!!!
*team gets warped out to safety by some big panel on the floor*
Faize: You know, if I had a 100 Fol for every time Edge yelled that and we didn’t die, I’d be one rich Eldarian.
Reimi: So…anybody know where we are?
*long eared woman holding candle appears*
Woman: I knew you’d come.  I knew my house would be set on fire too.  And I knew you were going to say that! I also know you’re going to ask me who I am.
Edge: Who are you?
Woman: See? Told you I knew!  Anyway, I am Eleyna Farrence.
Faize: Wow! That’s the exact same last name as the Main Character from Star Ocean 1. CONTINUITY FORESHADOWING!
Meracle: OMG! ITS HER! THE FAMOUS ONE!
Eleyna: Yes, now SHOW YOUR MANNERS TO ME! I SAVED YOU SIPLING!
Edge: Uh, yes, ma’am.  Thanks for saving our lives.
Eleyna: ALL OF YOU SHOULD THANK ME TOO!
Everyone else: Uh, yes, thank you.
Eleyna: Good, now follow me to my hide out! AND DON’T DAWDLE!
Meracle: Meow…
Faize: I think Meracle just has been touched by reality and had her dreams of her favorite person ever shattered.  Oh well, it was bound to happen eventually, lets go!
Meracle: YOU CAN’T BE THE FAMOUS ELEYNA! SHE’S A HOLY MAIDEN! SHE’S BEAUTIFAL, NICE AND WISE!
Eleyna: Ah, that describes me perfectly! Also, I like that name “Eleyna the Holy Maiden.”
Meracle: Listen to meow!
Lymle: Leynie, is that your house?
Eleyna: Leynie…interesting, Leynie the Holy Maiden…I LIKE THAT MORE!  Oh yeah, big hulk over there, show yourself! I know you’re here.
Bacchus *appears out of stealth mode*: Wait, you knew I was here? For how long?
Eleyna: First off, I know everything; that’s what being a fortune teller is all about! Also I could hear your massive foot steps while you walk.  Unlike most NPCs, I’m not completely deaf and blind.  That said, you’re ugly and I don’t want you in my house, so sit on this rock over.
Bacchus: Ok, I can still probably hear you from this rock though.
Eleyna: I don’t care! Anyway, come inside everyone else, we have MUCH PLOT TO DISCUSS!

*inside the hide out*
Eleyna: I foresaw your arrival, and I know that Sarah is kidnapped.  But first, I must tell you about ASMODEUS!!!
Faize: Wait, you mean he exists?
Eleyna: Yes, and that stupid cult is going to revive him.  You guys will be the ones who are going to stop him too!
Edge: bullshit.  This ASMODEUS!!! doesn’t exist!
Eleyna: Much like you guys didn’t come from the STAR OCEAN! Right?
Reimi: Wait, how did YOU know that?
Eleyna: Some guy who I also foresaw came and told me this stuff.
Edge: CROWE!!!!!!
Eleyna: You know, his name was never suppose to come up in this plot scene…but whatever, is me talking about an Archfiend to you really any less weird than me having to deal with the fact that people from THE STAR OCEAN have arrived?
Reimi: …ok, I think she got us.  Tell us more about this ASMODEUS!!!
Eleyna: He’s the archfiend, he’s going to destroy the world, and you guys have to stop him from reviving sooner than expected…WITHOUT HESISTATION!
Faize: Hold on, WHAT ABOUT SARAH!? Isn’t she a friend of yours? Are you some sort of bitch who lets her friends die?
Eleyna: No, Sarah’s like a sister to me.  And you will stop the resurrection of ASOMDEUS!!! by saving her.
Lymle: This is making my head spin, ‘kay.
Eleyna: You need Holy Blood to revive him, and she’s one of the Sacred Wings.  DO THE MATH SIPLING!
Faize: Say, what can you tell us about this cult.
Eleyna: Oh, them? They’re nothing but a bunch of foolish imbeciles. Total morons, Idiots!  Nothing more.
NOTE: This is her actual response; it’s not verbatim, but she does respond in this manner using similar insults.

*outside the hide out*
Cultist #1: We shall sneak up and destroy this hide out.
Cultist #2: Indeed! What do you have to say #3?
Cultist #3: Shut up you too! This is suppose to be DONE IN SECRET!
Myuria: What? Burning down her house wasn’t good enough, so now you have to go burning down her hideout? The pains of being a pretty woman… </actual line of dialog>
Cultists: Huh? A scantily dressed long eared girl with pink hair? SHE MUST BE A MAIN CHARACTER! KILL HER!
Myuria: Hark! Lightning that writhes from within the ashen depths! Descend now as a storm upon thy foes! Gravity Blessing!
Cultists: OH GOD! WE ARE SET ON FIRE! BY LIGHTNING! RUN!!!
Myuria: Now, to get this tedious job over with *she starts eavesdropping on the conversation inside*

*inside*
Edge: So…what makes you think WE are the ones who will stop him?
Eleyna: I foresaw Sarah sending peculiar visitors to me…YOU CAN’T GET MORE PECULIAR THAN FREAKS FROM THE STAR OCEAN CAN YOU?  Anyway, you have to stop him from reviving SOONER THAN EXPECTED, you young whippersnappers.
Faize: Wait, “Sooner than expected”…you mean he’s going to come regardless of what we do?
Eleyna: In a word, yes; his revival is inevitable…but it can’t happen now! For you see, you guys won’t KILL him, just PREVENT him.  What will happen is like 30-40 years from now, he will revive, but a band of warriors, 4 of whom are from 100 years into the future of that time, will go and kick his ass.  Oh yeah, one of them has the same last name as me, its really weird.
Faize: You just described the entire plot line of Star Ocean 1, you realize.
Eleyna: Hmm…so I did, oh well!  Anyway, get to it!
Edge: NO! I CAN’T GET INVOLVED! I WON’T! THIS IS NONSENSE! I WON’T LET ANOTHER PLANET BE DESTROYED BY MY DOINGS!
Reimi: Say, what happens if we fail?
Eleyna: IF you fail? *starts glowing gold* THE WORLD WILL BE DESTROYED AND THE ARCHFIEND WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN THAT DON’T EXIST. EVERYTHING WILL BE SWALLOWED BY INFINITE BEAU-…
Edge: What…
Reimi: the…
Meracle: hell…
Faize: just…
Lymle: Happened, ‘kay?
Bacchus *from outside*: According to my calculations…the game just froze.  Abruptly.
Edge: Wait, you mean this huge long plot scene just froze and we have to sit through ti AGAIN cause the game was programmed retardedly?
Bacchus: that is correct.
Edge: Meracle, go restart the game.
Meracle: OK MEOW!

*fast forwarding through the plot scene*
Eleyna: Eleyna: IF you fail? *starts glowing gold* THE WORLD WILL BE DESTROYED AND THE ARCHFIEND WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN THAT DON’T EXIST. EVERYTHING WILL BE SWALLOWED BY INFINITE BEAUTY! *She stops glowing*
Faize: That must be an augury…its quite impressive.
Eleyna: It was easier to show you than to explain, I’ve seen this result every time.  If you fail to save Sarah, all is lost.
Edge: So if I help, I fuck the world over, if I don’t help, I fuck the world over?
Reimi: Um, Edge, if you help, you might NOT fuck the world over.  Just cause it happened once doesn’t mean it’ll happen again…
Eleyna: I’m sorry, but now I must faint cause that took a lot out of me *she faints*
Meracle: LETS OVERREACT CAUSE WE THINK SHE MIGHT BE DEAD NOW!!!
*some hours later*
Lymle: She’s out cold, ‘kay.
Reimi: You know, she still hasn’t told us how to get into Purgatorium…
Faize: Well, we still have to go save her.  If we can’t find a way in, WE’LL BUST OUR WAY IN!
Edge: No! We can’t do that! We have to wait for her to wake up!
Faize: YOU’RE NOT THE EDGE I KNOW! The Edge I know would not hesitate! That’s why I joined you!
Edge: No! We have to wait, so we can find the right way in!
Faize: NEVER! We don’t have time!
Reimi: STOP FIGHTING YOU TWO! You’re acting like Yaoi Lovers in quarrel! Damn it, EDGE IS MINE! AND HE’S THE LEADER! ACCEPT HIS DECISION!
Eleyna: I’m sorry…how long was I out for?
Reimi: Its already morning!
Eleyna: I’M GETTING OLD OH NO!  Anyway, what did I miss?
Reimi: Just my best friend and the green haired guy bitching and whining about how to get into the Purgatorium.
Eleyna: Oh, that’s my fault.  I should have given you this first!
Faize: A Key Card? Wow, didn’t know this planet played Doom!
Eleyna: If I had given you this, you two wouldn’t have fought.  Also, you could have gone earlier.  Good thing you didn’t go though; if you busted in, you would have hurt Sarah.
Edge: I…made the right choice?
Faize: I’m sorry Edge…
Eleyna: Anyway, you guys have to go going…oh, Alleycat!
Meracle: MY NAME IS MERACLE!
Eleyna: Ok, whatever.  Come back here when you’re done and tell me about your Holy Maiden; I’ll try to live more up to her standards!
Meracle: I’ll come back here if I feel like it *sticks tongue out*
Edge: …she’ll come back…
Eleyna: And YOU Sipling…STOP BEING SO SELF CENTERED! I mean, geez, its one planet in an infinite number of stars.  You are not the only person around, and you alone can’t change the universe.  YOU CAN’T CHANGE FIGHT.  Stop being a whiny little bitch and just accept this fact.  MOVE FORWARD ALREADY.  You’ll become your old self if you do this.
Edge: I…huh?
Eleyna; Besides, you got HER by your side.  Woman, you’ll always be with him, WON’T YOU?
Reimi: Yes, I will!!!
Eleyna: Good, now stop angsting and move ahead!  Like all mains, you need to break out of that!
Edge: …ok.

*outside of the hideout*
Edge: hey guys, I’m ready to start moving forward again!
*And there was much rejoicing*
Team: Yay! </unenthusiastic>
Myuria: Oh, hi! We meet again!
Edge: YOU!!!!
Reimi: Edge, you know her?
Edge: Yeah, met her a short while ago.  She was also the girl who saved us on the Cardoinan ship.
Myuria: I notice your team is lacking in Non-Loli Fanservice, so I think its about time I join you! Besides, I got a date with this ASMODEUS!!! myself.
Edge: In other words, you’re joining us earlier than expected, and are going to follow us til we lead you to Crowe, whom you are going to kill?
Myuria: Yes, pretty much.
Reimi: Wait, she’s going to KILL CROWE? Edge! How can you let someone like that on our team!?
Edge: Cause lets face it; either she’ll learn that Crowe is not a bad guy, and want to stop killing him, OR…
Reimi: or what?
Edge: Crowe is in fact an evil jack ass, and we’ll end up killing him ourselves as a result, and we’ll be forced to apologize at how she was right.
Reimi: Can it really be that bad?
Edge: Well, maybe he’ll just be an Anti-villain with conflicting views, whom we will have to fight anyway, but won’t kill, and he’ll have a big epic heroic sacrifice trying to save us so we still realize he was a good guy.
Reimi: I…see…
Bacchus: Hmm…you said you were on a mission?
Myuria: Ah, yes, its my duty as a Morphus!
Bacchus: AHA! A fellow Morphus like myself!
Myuria: Ah, you’re Bacchus? I heard about you!  You really are something else!
Edge: Anyway, lets go onto Purgatorium!


Faize: So, let me sum up the entire conversation we had with Eleyna so far…
Bacchus: Yes?
Faize: Basically, the villain of the original Star Ocean is coming back, we have to stop him from coming, so he can come back 40 years later, and the main characters from Star Ocean 1, half of whom travel back in time, are suppose to kick his ass?
Bacchus: Yes, that is it.
Faize: Were the writers of Tri-Ace so freaking lazy that they can’t come up with an original plot? I mean, they already ripped off Star Ocean 3’s plot with the TRINITY CHILDREN, and now we’re dealing with that Archfiend from the first game.  What’s next? You’re going to tell me that your Home Planet is actually Expel under a different name?
Bacchus: Expel? OF COURSE ITS NOT THAT!
Faize: Oh, phew…
Bacchus: Its Energy Nede
Faize: …

[Meeplelard]

Episode 6: EPIC FORESHADOWING TO TRAIN WRECK!!!

Edge: So...we're back at Purgatorium...
Reimi: Yeah...say, I just remembered, we forgot something back at the Calnus!
Edge: ...FUCK!!!!

*team runs all the way back at the Calnus, and back*
Edge: Ok, NOW we're ready to go into Purgatorium, right?
Bacchus: Mr. Edge, if you must know, I have a theory about this place.  For you see, I think its another reference to a dungeon that will be important 40 years from this time, when the warriors Miss Eleyna spoke of will arrive.  At that point, it will be called "Parj" and...
Faize: Simply put, this is just another Star Ocean 1 reference cause this entire arc of the game is nothing but loads of fanservice to help make Edge's Emo phase far more barable.
Bacchus: ...in blunter terms, that is correct.

*team enters Purgatorium*
Edge: So where do we use this keycard now? I don't see any slots?
Meracle: Meow! I got an idea!  Give me the card!
Edge: Huh? Ok, sure but...
*Meracle throws it into a pot, the pot lights on fire*
Edge: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST-...
*Wall opens up*
Edge: ...ok, I'm not going to question how that worked, but lets proceed.

*Team comes across...a puzzle*
Myuria: Well, it seems we have to light all these pots on fire...
Edge: Ok, easy enough!
Myuria: Wait! There seems to be a connection with them and that sta-
*Flaming Corpse comes out of the last pot*
Reimi: What the hell is that thing?
Bacchus: By my calculations...
Myuria: It was clearly rherotical question, damn it, stop taking things so literally!! You make our race look bad...
Bacchus: My apologies.
Myuria: Yeah, good.  Anyway, if you REALLY must know, its a Zombie who has been lit on fire and is TRYING TO KILL US.
*they kick its ass*
Edge: Well, that was a lot easier than you made it out to be *eyes Myuria*
Myuria: I never said they were GOOD at the whole "killing" thing, just they were trying.
Lymle: Edgie, please light pots in order this time, 'kay?
Edge: Ok, how do I do that?
Myuria: I dunno, maybe the pot where the STATUE POINTS HIS FINGER SAYING "OVER THERE MORON" is the right pot?
Edge: Oh, right, why didn't I think of that?
Reimi: Teenage Hero Idiocy Syndrom?
Edge: Ah, right! Even when I'm angsting, I still have that...

*team opens door, proceeds*
Faize: So, shall we check what's behind door #-...
*Big fucking Chimera appears*
Faize: ...ok, so its a bo-...
*FOR ACHIEVE starts playing*
Faize: Oh you can go to hell game.
*Team kicks the HUGE RANDOM ENCOUNTER'S ass*
Faize: Bacchus, please verify that this was the only one and that music playing was just there to play with our minds?
Bacchus: According to my sensors...there are at least 23 more of those things in this dungeon.
Faize: I think I'm starting to share Edge's notion of self loathing...
Lymle: I found a friend, 'kay?
Reimi: Hey! That girl over there is about your size, Lymle.  Lets go say hi!
Midget Priest: THE ENEMY OF MY FAITH!
Reimi: ...that doesn't sound good...
*fight occurs, they kick its ass*

Edge: So...basically, we've been doing nothing but lighting pots on fire in a specific order, in order to advance, right?
Faize: Pretty much.
Meracle: Ooh! I smell a pointless boss fight coming up soon!
Faize: HA! Like that could possibl-...
*Door opens up, a huge freaking energy flying wolf thing appears*
Bacchus: Ah, it would appear this is the Guardian of the Shrine and to advance, we must defeat him.
Faize: ...this is not my day...
*Get into a not noteworthy boss fight that they win*
Faize: Not Noteworthy? THAT THING JUST DESTROYED OUR ENTIRE BONUS GAUGE!
Narrator: Yeah, well, no one needs to know that!
Myuria: I'd appreciate it if you stopped whining and we continued...
Edge: See Reimi? Its not always me whose whining and holding up the team!
Reimi: But you never said...oh screw it.
Edge: Anyway lets contin-
*Edge slams into a Dark Door*
Myuria: It seems people have inconveniently placed a curse on this generic door.  I wonder how to get by it...
Lymle: Hey look! This ring looks like the one grandpa had, 'kay?
Edge: Another ring? You know, I still havent' used that Earth Ring yet...oh well, lets try this NEW LIGHT RING!
*it works*
Edge: Ok, now we can continue! AHA! ANOTHER DOOR! THINK YOU CAN BEST ME!?
*Edge tries the ring...it fizzles out*
Edge: Oh you have got to be kidding me...ONE FUCKING CHARGE ON THIS RING?
Myuria: Well, you could try recharging it at that crystal over there.
Edge: Ok, lets try that.
*He does and it recharges*
Edge: Sweet its recharged! Ok, NOW DIE EVIL DOORS!
*Edge uncurses one door*
Edge: Now lets continue...oh another door, I WILL UNCURSE YOU!
*Edge "uncurses" the door*
Edge: HA! Take that-
*Gets smacked back 50 feet*
Edge: ...the fuck? You mean the thing has a MAXIMUM OF ONE CHARGE?
Faize: I said it before and I'll say it again, Tri-Ace hates us.

*Team comes to a huge room with lots of pots and 4 statues on every side*
Meracle: You know, meow, I have to wonder...who builds these things?
Myuria: Idiot monks who have nothing better to do with their time but waste resources to create a means to revive an Arch Fiend they hate.
Meracle: Oh, that makes perfect sense!
Edge: Can you two be quiet? I'm trying to hate myself as I figure this puzzle out!
Faize: If you hate this one, you probably shouldn't see what's in the next room...
Edge: How bad can it...
*the puzzle appears, its a bunch of pots and water and one statue and shit*
Edge: ...well, at least its not...
*Edge walks through a corridor, BIG RED LASERS SEND HIM FLYING*
Edge: OH GOD NOT THE CARDIONAN DEFENSE LASERS!
Bacchus: Interesting.  It seems the fail level of that puzzle is so high, it forced its way into a dungeon that it doesn't actually exist.  I must analyze this for the next hour.
Faize: We don't have time for this! Lets just get going!

*The reach a few doors, two evil monks are sitting in that room*
Edge: We'll sneak by nice and quietly...
Faize: You know, now's a good time to EAVESDROP!
Evil Monk #1: Dude, I am so going to resurrect ASMODEUS!!! with that winged chick.
Evil Monk #2: Like, uhh...no you won't.
Evil Monk #1: Yeah I will, buttmunch!  I even sent up those nomads who use this black cloak for him this morning.
Evil Monk #2: Yeah, ASMODEUS!!! is so going to score.
*insert Beavis and Butthead laughter here*
Faize: ...they didn't...no, it can't be!
Lymle: Faize, what are you looking at?
Faize: Oh, its nothing...
Evil Monk #1: Oh, like...we should probably start spreading the stone sickness more or something
Evil Monk #2: Everyone's getting totally stoned.
Faize: THOSE BASTARDS! THEY'RE THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING!
*Faize charges in with his sword out*
Faize: DIE FOR YOUR MONSTROSITIES!
Evil Monk #1: Uh, like...we've been discovered.
Evil Monk #2: Yeah, we should like...uhh...offer ourselves to the Archfiend or something.
*They both drink potions and turn to stone, and disappear instantly*
Faize: Did they just...needlessly kill...NO! We have to hurry! I HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT CUTE NOMAD GIRL IS ALIVE!
Edge: ...you don't even know her name?
Faize: Its on my to do list!

*team reaches the BIG MUSTACHE MAN VILLAIN*
Mustache Man: From now on, you will call me Tamiel.  Why? Cause its easier that way.  No, my name will never be mentioned once in the entire plot...ever!  But you will know it somehow in the middle of a fight with me that is clearly going to happen 10 minutes from now.
Lymle: Let Sarrie go, 'kay.
Tamiel: Ah, but you see, why should I? SHE WILL BRING BACK ASMODEUS!!!
Edge: We won't let you bring ASMODEUS!!! back by killing our friend!
Tamiel: So...I can do it by killing someone else?
Edge: ...uhh...that's not suppose to be a factor here.
Tamiel: Oh, right.  Either way, SHE YEEARNS FOR HER OWN DEATH!
Reimi: Wait, Sarah is emo?
Tamiel: Of course she is! She doesn't know it yet!  All humans are inherintly emo!  I only know this cause of this body that ASMODEUS!!! granted me! All things seek destruction! *insert 7 hour long Nihilstic rant here* AND THAT'S WHY I WILL BRING BACK ASMODEUS!!!
Bacchus: According to my calculations, you're just FF6 Kefka but without anything that makes him amusing, and you lack this divine power making you a complete non-threat in any sense of the word.
Tamiel: That's a rude way to put it!  BUt enough talk, HAVE AT YOU! I will kill you and then take the life of the girl behind me!
Edge: NEVER! I swear, I won't let you do that!
*Symbol appears on Edge's hand, he goes all super powerful*
Reimi: Gasp! Its the power of the Muah! Edge's Power! So that's what he can do!
Everyone: Its so warm and awesome!
Edge: LETS KICK HIS FUCKING ASS!
Tamiel: Um...shit...well, time for plan B!

*Tamiel summons a 56226 Syndonai Betas and Alphas*
Tamiel: I have an infinite number of MINIONS at my side!  I won't be taken down so easily!
Edge: Well, there's only one way out THIS scenario...
*Boss music starts*
Edge: Valkyrie, grant me power! Finishing Strike, ROUND RIP SABER!
Reimi: Leave the rest to me, Finishing Strike, BLINDING BLAZE!!!
Faize: Lo! Canst thou feel it? Thy days are number! Thy death is at hand! CRYSTAL STRIKE!
Lymle: In my hand the creators sword that calls eternal sleep! Honor my pact and hear my command! ANIMATE EARTH! ...'kay.
Bacchus: YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!
Meracle: Feel the power of darkness! Finishing strike, BLOODY CURSE! MEOW!!!
Myuria: As the harmonius of Asgard's sound their very melody stirs their lightning to wake! DRAGON BOLT!
*they all die*

Tamiel: Damn you and your big moves! But I have a trump card up my sleeve!
*Summons Jie Revorse, Indalecio and Luther*
Edge: Did he just summon all the final bosses in the Star Ocean series against us?
Faize: That would appear to be the case.
Luther: Mwahahhaha! Now I can delete you guys earlier on and thereby cause a time paradox in the system! This will be delight-...
*Myuria fires a lightning bolt shoots Luther's laptop*
Luther: NO! You're suppose to listen to my rant!
Myuria : I'm not from your game, I don't follow your rules.
Luther: ARGH! WITHOUT MY COMPUTER I'M NOTHING! *he dies*
Reimi: That was surprisingly easy...
Tamiel: Grrrr...Indalecio, get him!
Indalecio: No.
Tamiel: What, WHY?
Indalecio: I only fight to the song "Integral Body, Imperfect Soul"
Tamiel: But...that song isn't even in this game!
Indalecio: Well, later! *Indy disappears*
Tamiel: Ok, GO GET THEM JIE REVORSE!
Jie: AHA! I WILL KILL YOU WITH...
*Edge spams the A Button*
Jie: BLARGH!
Edge: Was he suppose to be that easy?
Faize: Well, he IS from Star Ocean 1...
Myuria: Enough talk, more beating up the Scientologist.
Reimi: So THAT'S the truth behind this cult!
*Tamiel gets his ass kicked*
Tamiel: No! I have failed to bring you back ASMODEUS!!!  Now for my pointlessly dramatic death sequence!!!
*Seal below him breaks apart and he falls into a hole*
Edge: He remained a zealot to his arch fiend even through death. </actual line of dialog>
Reimi: Hey! Lets go rescue Sarah!
Faize: And I'll go over to the OTHER podium without telling any of you!
*Sarah wakes up*
Sarah: Oh, good morning...what happened?
Edge: You...really don't remember?
Sarah: Oh! Now I remember! A bunch of visitors came in through my window.  I went to get some tea for them, but goodness gracious! </actual line of dialog>
Edge: Well, at least you're safe...
Bacchus: Which means this world has been saved.
*Faize looks over the edge, sees the crest of the hot blonde chick*
Faize: I...ehehehehehe, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *his eyes turn an evil blood red* </all this actually happens in game>
Edge: Yo, Faize! We're going to be leaving soon.
Faize: Er...right, sorry, there's nothing over here, don't worry!

*outside of Purgatorium*
Sarah: Well, I have to go tell Eleyna the good news of how the Archfiend won't be ressurected, see ya later! *she leaves*
Edge: Well, that was anti-climatic </actual line of dialog>
Lymle: She didn't say goodbye.  Bye Sarrie!
Reimi: Edge, you did it! YOU SAVED THIS WORLD!
Edge: I...did...I really did.  I saved everyone, didn't I? I...HAVE BEATEN MY OWN ANGST! NOW I CAN HAVE VICTORY QUOTES AGAIN!
Reimi: I'm so proud of you! NOw I must tell you how I feel.  To be honest...I HATE MYSELF! I HATE BEING PRACTICALLY IMMORTAL! I'VE ALWAYS FELT THIS WAY! ...but seeing you makes me feel a little better...BUT I'M STILL NOT OVER IT!
Edge: Ok, whatever, can we get going.
Faize: I...she's gone...*eyes glow red again*
Lymle: Faize, you seem different. *Lymle is looking right at Faize as his eyes glow*
Faize: *eyes stop glowing* Oh? Its just your imagination, Lymle.
Edge: ...and suddenly, Welch has called us, OK BACK TO THE CALNUS! ...after we do a bunch of pointless side quests for whatever reason.

*about 5 quests later, the team finally reaches the Calnus*
Welch: HI EDGE! ITs been a while and...YOWZA! Whose the new girl? She's got quite a rack and SHE'S WEARING PRACTICALLY NOTHING!
Myuria: Thanks for...noticing?
Edge: Cut to the chase, Welch, you said it was urgent.
Welch: Oh, right! You have new orders from USTA HQ!
Edge: Oh?
Welch: Go back to Aeos and investigate there!
Edge: But I thought Captain Graffton and the Eldarians were investigating there.
Welch: Oh, well, see, we lost contact with them...and we cna't contact Eldar either.  Its really weird.  This clearly isn't a bad sign or anything, so later everyone!
Edge: Well, off to Aeos we go!
Faize: This...no, I fear the worst for everyone! *Faize starts getting evil looks*
Edge: ...Faize, you seem different.
Faize: ITS JUST YOUR IMAGINATION! WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING THAT TO ME?
Edge: ...if you say so...

*Team leaves Roak FINALLY*
Edge: GOOD BYE STAR OCEAN 1 PLANET! In fact, I want to give it the finger one last time, can you put it on display?
*Faize does exactly that*
Meracle: Oh, wow, it looks familiar! Maybe that IS my birth place...BUT I'M STAYING WITH YOU GUYS OF COURSE!
Lymle: We still never got to say good bye to SARRIE!
Reimi: Yeah, I wish we could have said good bye to SARAH one last time.
Bacchus: Indeed, SARAH was a nice girl.
Faize: And we don't have time to turn around and see SARAH again either...
Meracle: SARAH was fun indeed...
Edge: Yeah, well, we might as well stop worrying about SARAH from here on in.
Sarah: I agree, Good Bye SAR-...oh dear, that's me!
Everyone else: ...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Sarah: Oh, I didn't get to say good bye either, so I decided to come here!  Also, Eleyna said I have destiny with you guys anyway, and I want to come along.
Edge: Uh, ok, since we can't turn around, congrats Sarah, you're the newest member of our crew! Even though you don't know the first thing about technology, I AM PUTTING YOU IN THIS IMPORTANT SEAT OVER HERE WHERE LOGICALLY BACCHUS SHOULD BE SITTING!  On that note, I'm going to do some Item Creation.

*Edge activates panel*
Welch: HIYA EDGE!
Edge: ...joy, another PA with you...
Welch: Oooh, so THAT'S what you're after? Birds this time, eh? *looks at Sarah*
Edge: She's not a bird, she's a featherfolk...and no, she can't fly.
Welch: Those big wings and she can't fly? HOW POINTLESS! Oh well, watch me fly!
*Welch Hologram does exactly that*
Sarah: Oh wow! You can fly without wings! Let me try on that platform.
Edge: No, don't.  Welch, she's innocent and Sarah, you were tricked.
Welch: The road to flying is not easy! YOU MUST START FROM SCRATCH! ONWARD!!!
Sarah: Yes, master!
Edge: ...I should probably stop them...but if it encourages Sarah...

*on the way to Aeos, team takes a stop in Lemuris*
Myuria: Wait, why did we stop here?
Edge: Cause i got shit I need to deliver.  Yes, I travelled all the way to one underdeveloped planet to get stuff so I can give it to people on this one.
Myuria: Oh, that's not too weird.  I do it all the time!
Edge: ...why?
Myuria: I dunno; we Nedians Morphus are just so advanced, we love to prove it!

*now on the way to Aeos*
Edge: Say, wonder why Lymle has her dog out...
Lymle: Sit doggy! Good boy!
Edge: Wow, he really does listen.
Lymle: He's a good dog, 'kay? Here's a cookie...
*Cat with a pendant grabs said cookie*
Lymle: Bad kitty! Go chase it down doggy!
*Cerberus pursues*
Edge: How did a cat get on board anyway?
*they chase it to a door, MEracle comes out of said door licking her hands*
Lymle: Merry, did you see kitty? It is a cookie thief!
Meracle: I saw no such thing! Nope! I didn't!
Edge: I don't know why, but I feel suspicious of you.  Especially since according to my encyclopedia entry, Lesser Fellpools can apparently turn into cats...
Meracle: HEY! You're not suppose to know that! Only the player is!
Edge: oh, right, forget I said it.  Still...how did a cat get on board?

*at Aeos finally*
Edge: Man, been a while since we were...HOLY SHIT? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BASE!?
Faize: Everything is ruined!
Edge: The Eldarian Cruiser is down too!
Reimi: Oh no! What could have happened...IT MUST BE THOSE DAMN BUGS!
Edge: Uh, Reimi? Those damn bugs were things I was beating with my WEAKEST WEAPON AT LEVEL 1...
Faize: Besides, this was built with state of the art Eldarian Technology, no way we could have been beaten by a bunch of bugs!
Reimi: Everyone's gotta be alive, lets go find them!
Bacchus: Sensors indicate that NO ONE IS ALIVE AND THERE IS NO HOPE OF FINDING THEM!
Reimi: No! How could this have happened! Our Friends! And the Eldarians!
Sarah: Oh my, look at that Big Bird! Its flying without spreading flapping its wings! </rough actual line of dialog>
Edge: That's...not quite a bird.
Reimi: It looks a lot like our SRF Ships, doesn't it?
Edge: Yeah, it does...CROWE!!!!!!!!!!!! ...is what I'd like to say, but I know he's not the kind of person to randomly spray paint his entire ship black.
Reimi: Really? What makes you say that?
Edge: He's too much of a cheap bastard to spend that much money on spray paint, or hire professionals to do it for him.
Reimi: Oh, right.
Myuria: I know who did it...it was...THE PHANTOMS!!!
Everyone else: PHANTOMS!?
Myuria: Well, you guys wouldn't know about them since only us Nedians Morphus, with our ultra advanced technology, just discovered them.
Edge: Bacchus, do you know anything about them?
Bacchus: Negative.
Myuria: He doesn't even contact with EN II anymore, how could he!  Anyway, basically, a bunch of pricks who fly to a planet, blow everything up, and leave.  Us Nedians Morphus have been trying to stop them as much as possible, but once you blow them up, more still appear out of nowhere! Hence why we call them Phantoms.
Sarah: Oh my, this sounds like something I read in a book called "Til the End of Time"...except they were called Executioners there...
Myuria: In any event, its possible they could take on the form of a ship similar to your SRF ones! I say we investigate this planet, find where they land, and KILL THEM!!!
Edge: Sounds like a plan to me!
Faize: Yes, lets do it *turns around, EYES TURN EVIL RED AGAIN*

Bacchus: So...Faize seems to be different all of a sudden.
Myuria: Yeah, and only cause he lost his girl too.
Bacchus: Didn't you lose a loved one?
Myuria: Yeah, but my character didn't change! I just swore revenge on the prick who killed him! I'm fine, I swear!
Bacchus: Denial won't get you anywhere, you know...
Myuria: Much like how everyone in the cast is denying the fact that Faize is probably going to turn evil? I mean, LOOK AT HIS EYES!
Bacchus: Censors indicate that there's still a 5% probability that's just a red herring.
Myuria: ...this is a jRPG...
Bacchus: Oh, my apologies.  With that variable factored in, the actual chance is...0.1%...

[Meeplelard]

Episode 7 - Reunions and shit!

Edge: So...where did the Phantom Ship land?
Bacchus: Sensors indicate its on the southern coast.
Edge: So basically, some part of the planet we couldn't reach cause we didn't have this ring to blow up the rock in the way?
Bacchus: That is correct.
Edge: Ok, well that's where we're heading next!
*team journeys onward*
Reimi: Say Edge, do these super large bugs from early in the game look a little...different?
Edge: Hm? That must be your imagination.  As if an RPG would reuse enemy designs, slightly alter their coloring, and just up their stats so they would fit the scenery, but still give us actual fights and EXP and...
*next fight actually requires using SP to finish quickly, despite the Bugs looking the same as ones previously in the game*
Edge: ...don't...say...a word...

*team reaches the southern coast finally*
Myuria: There's the Phantom Ship!
Edge: Well, that's...definitely an SRF Design...
Reimi: yeah, but something weird is on it.  That's not just Black and Red Spray paint...
Faize: Something is coming, look out!
*Team gets surrounded by a bunch of Phantom Soldiers with GUNS*
Bacchus: These things don't exist.  My sensors indicate there are no life forms.  THey're just an illusion!
Myuria: Stop relying on your machines and use your fucking eyes. THEY'RE STANDING RIGHT HERE AND DRIPPING GOOP OR SOMETHING!
Meracle: So basically, they're enemies...that aren't really alive, meow?
Edge: Either way, we have to kill them!
*Edge slashes one in half effortlessly*
Edge: Ha, that wasn't...
*three more appear out of nowhere to replace it*
Myuria: Didn't I tell you? THEY SPAWN OUT OF NOWHERE.
Edge: So we're going to be in for a long fight?
Myuria: That's one way to put it...
Edge: *Sigh* Welp, lets get this over with*
*Fight starts with Phantoms*
Edge: HA! That wasn't too ba-
*Another one follows up*
Edge: Oh, right there are a lot of them, and there's probably another Ambush after this!
*Another fight occurs*
Edge: See? Told you! And of course, 3 is always-...
*A 4th fight appears, this time with more enemise*
Edge: The fuck?  Ok, so they're trying to throw more-...
*Another fight happens*
Lymle: There's too many, 'kay.
Edge: Shut up! Just keep fighting!  This the 5th one, they wouldn't have more than 5!
*Another fight*
Edge: Why do you mock me game? WHY?
*Another fight occurs*
Faize: Its like I said! TRI ACE HATES US! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!
Edge: HA! Reversal of scenarios! Now you're the one claiming-...
*Team actually loses*
Edge: ...what just happened?
Sarah: Oh dear, it seems we had out first game over entirely due to item throwing taking forever and the enemies being completely unfair spamming naughty people.
Edge: ...so we have to go through all that *AGAIN*?
Bacchus: By my calculations...yes.
Faize: HA! I told you we were going to die!
Edge: Shut up, you're suppose to be emo now!
Faize: Oh, right. Now where's that knife...

*resets game, skips plot scene*
Narrator: And so the team is forced to fight a bunch of fucking Phantoms.  Yes, Star Ocean 4 does in fact summarize plot scenes you skip, cause we fucking feel like it.
*7 fights later*
Edge: I don't get paid enough for this.
Reimi: Hey, you're the one who signed up for being the main character of this game.
Edge: That's only cause you threatened to kill me if I didn't be the main, after you already signed up to the female lead!
Reimi: BUt...I would have been lonely...
Sarah: Oh dear, can you two stop arguing and fight these Phantoms in a plot scene *she blasts a few away with magic*
Meracle: THERE'S TOO MANY! THERE'S TOO MANY!THERE'S TOO MANY!THERE'S TOO MANY! THERE'S TOO MANY! THERE'S TOO MANY!
*Meracle is slaughtering about 15 Phantoms every time she yells that*
Edge: Damn it! We can't rely on plot power forever!
Bacchus: This...isn't good.  My sensors indicate...
Edge: Ok, no, there's no way this scenario can't get any worse.
Bacchus: Might I suggest you look towards the Phantom Ship, at which point, the Phantoms will conveniently stop looking at us?
Edge: Huh? Ok...
*Sees the Phantom Ship charging a huge fucking particle Cannon*
Edge: ...WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
Reimi: No! They wouldn't fire at their own kind!
Myuria: Uh, yeah, they would; remember, they materiliaze out of nothing.  Somehow, I don't think they even have a remote sense of life value...
Faize: NO! I can't die before my Emo side is fully developed!
*Laser charges, fires at team...only to be interrupted by a different laser*
Edge: What the fuclk was that?
Bacchus: Sensors indicate another Deus Ex Machina saved us from the sky...
*More lasers hit the ship with pin point accuracy, the ship flies away, you can see the Sol from the sky*
Reimi: Oh, wow, every shot was dead on.  Who could have done that...
*Red Haired man in Red SRF Armor is revealed*
Edge: CROWE!!!!!!!!!!!  Now that I found you, I can stop that drama.
*Next to Crowe is that douchey Silver Haired Bishie from the 19th Eldarian division, the two jump down off the Sol in the middle of the fight*
Crowe: So, Arumat, you ready to go all STAR WARS on these things asses?
Arumat: Aren't we suppose to wait til after we kill all these things to actually say anything, let alone reveal my name?
Crowe: Yeah, but I needed to break the action sequences somehow.
Arumat: Hmph, fine.
*Crowe whips out two Blue Lightsabers, goes all Jedi on half the Phantoms, Arumat takes a HUGE FUCKING LASER SCYTHE THAT SPLITS INTO THREE BLADES, kills the other half*
Edge: God damn, Crowe one upped me again!  I'm never going to beat him, am I?
Reimi: Don't worry Edge, its only normal for the Main Character's rival to be better at him than everything until the end of the game where you will spontaneously become better than him.
Edge: Oh, so I'm DESTINED to be better than him EVENTUALLY? Ok, I can live with that.
Crowe: Yo, Edge, been a while!
Edge: Yeah, I've only been looking for you the ENTIRE DAMN GAME.
Crowe: Well, I can explain what happened...but since you already met Bacchus, I think he probably told you everything.
Edge: He did...though, Meracle and Sarah weren't here so they're in the dark, Bacchus, be sure to explain things to them on the ship later!
Bacchus: Understood.
Lymle: Me too! Me too!
Reimi: Um...Lymle, you already know everything.
Lymle: I don't want to be left out of story time, 'kay?
Crowe: In any event...OH SHIT A LIGHTNING BLAST *he dodges*
Myuria: DIE VILE SCUM! YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND LUCIEN!
Edge: What the fuck are you doing Myuria?
Myuria: SHUT UP EDGE! I TOLD YOU I'M GOING TO KILL HIM WHEN I MET HIM! I'LL KILL HIM NOW!
Crowe: Oh, so you're Myuria?
Myuria: YES! AND I WILL KILL YOU! OBSERVE THIS FLASHBACK AS TO WHY!
*flashback*
Past Myuria: Oh, Lucien, I love you! Also, my hair is in a ponytail now making me look so much younger and cuter, right?
Lucien: Oh, I love you too! IN fact I love you so much, i'm going to stop piloting this ship, and thus paying attention, and come over there and give you a nice big ki-
*ship gets blasted by huge lasers*
Lucien: No! Myuria! You're unconscious! Why!? Here, I'll put you in this escape pod! No, don't ask why I only made one, its kind of stupid in hindsight...but don't worry, you'll be alive! I'll die, though, and thus you'll be in emotional turmoil...
*he sends Myuria off, his ship blows up*
Past Myuria: Huh, what? Where am I? An Escape Pod? LUCIEN? NO!!!!
*she sees an SRF ship that looks NOTHING LIKE THE BIG TENTACLE SHIP that was attacking their ship*
Past Myuria: Huh? What? HIM? He's the guy who killed my husband? THAT BASTARD! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!!!!
*end flashback*

Myuria: AND NOW MY SOUL WILL FINALLY BE PUT TO REST!
Crowe: Well, its clear you're not going to listen to my explanation, so...
*Crowe casually grabs Myuria's staff*
Crowe: I'll just have to...SHOW YOU THIS RECORDING BOX OF LUCIEN!
Recorded Crowe: People on that ship, we are from Earth, we've destroyed your attackers, please answer me, we've come to help!
Recorded Lucien: I'm going to die. I know it!
Myuria: Huh? What?
Crowe: Listen to them, its his final words.
Recorded Lucien: I loved you Myuria.  I'll always love you.  You're my little snuggle bunny, honey. *insert 10 hour long death speech here related entirely to how obsessed he was with Myuria*
Recorded Crowe: Myuria? What's that? Crap! He can't understand us!  Ok, we have to go in there and sa-...
*ship blows up sound effect*
Recorded Crowe: ...god damn it.
Crowe: Long story short, we came to save him, but we couldn't understand each other, so due to that communication fuck up, he kind of died...if didn't understand a word he said until Bacchus gave me this nifty translator.
Myuria: He...loved me...that much?
Crowe: Ok, I think she should be left alone for a while, and we can finally get down to business.
Reimi: So...Crowe...any clue what's going on?
Crowe: Long story short, I'm hunting Grigori and blowing them up, cause they're related to Phantoms.
Bacchus: Know anything more about the Phantoms?
Crowe:  Well, based on info that the Nedians Morphus have discovered, Grigori copy data, and then create things based on that copied data, and those things are Phantoms.
Edge: So Phantoms and Grigori are directed related?  Well then...wait, are you saying?
Crowe: Yes, there's a Grigori here.  That's why I came...I basically saved you completely by luck, IOWs...BUT I'M HAPPY I DID!
Edge: AND SO AM I!
Reimi: Oh god, I smell a potential Yaoi pairing.  I don't know if I should be incredibly giddy like a school girl, or incredibly envious to the point where I have to...*evil stare* KILL CROWE.
Faize: HEY! The evil stares are MY gig now!
Edge: So to get things straight, the Eldarians and SRF stationed here were killed by the Grigori?
Crowe: Yes, that's correct.
Faize: NO! My brethren, they're dead!  Wait, YOU! 13th ARMORED DIVISON MEMBER! WHY DIDN'T YOU PROTECT THEM!? THAT'S THE JOB OF THE MILITARY!
Arumat: Well, lad, that's cause...
Faize: Answer me damn it!
Arumat: ...I was about to, lad.  Anyway, there is no more Military...or Eldarian Organizations for that matter...or well, no more Eldar.
Faize: Wait, what? YOU LIE!
Arumat: Uh, no, I don't, lad.
Edge: Hold on...are you saying Eldar is destroyed? And all the Eldarians are killed besides you and Faize?
Arumat: Oh, no, there are still Eldarian's alive!  By which I mean there's probably like 50 or so, but I'm not suppose to specify how many live.  They're all on Emigration Ships.
Faize: YOU LIE!!!!
Arumat: I think its best you learn the truth, Lad.
Faize: NO! I REFUSE!
Arumat: QUIET LAD! I am telling you the truth whether you like it or not!
Sarah: Oh dear, those two aren't very good friends...
Lymle: Story time, yay!

*shift to an Arumat Narrative with flashbacks.  What he explains is shown at this time*
Arumat: Basically, our sun where Eldar is arbitrarily turned into a Red Giant, thus Eldar's destruction was brought a century closer.  Yes, that's right; I basically just said Eldar would have been totally fucked in only 100 years anyway.  So we evacuated the ENTIRE PLANET.  But well...IT'S A TRAP!!! laid by the Phantoms.  They made our sun that big so we'd all be on ships so they could BLOW US UP.  The military fought them off so that Eldarians could survive...but to no avail.  I'd have been dead too, but I ran into Crowe, and he saved me.  The last thing I saw was Eldar get eaten by the sun...almost literally...
*end narrative*
Faize: No, this is impossible.  HOW CAN THIS BE TRUE!?
Edge: Psst, Reimi, was I ever THAT bad when I was in angst mode a few hours ago?
Reimi: Well, you had one total outbreak where you shouted everything like a mad man, but beyond that, at least you shut up most of the time...
Edge: Ok, just checking.

Crowe: This happened recently, mind, so I just found Arumat and the surviving Eldarians.  We've been escorting them; they're currently just outside this planet as we speak, SAFE AND SOUND! Nothing could go wrong!
Edge: Wait, you said some Eldarians are survived...but now you make it seem like they're all dead?
Crowe: Oh, don't worry.  Captain Graggahn happened to be on Eldar at the time, and lead the evacuation, so a few did survive!
Edge: Ok, that makes sense...except its still contradicting what Arumat said...
Bacchus: I believe it would be wise to just assume it somehow all fits in nicely and pretend it makes sense.
Edge: Right-o!
Crowe: In any event, we have to find that Gri-...hold on, I got a call.  Yeah.  Uh-huh...wait what? SOMETHING WENT WRONG!? NO WAY!
Edge: I'm going to assume that's a bad thing...
Crowe: Uh, well, it seems those Eldarian's we saved? Well...they're under attack!
Faize: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crowe: CALM DOWN KID! They aren't dead YET, just I need to hurry back...except...the Grigori...
Edge: Hey, leave that to us!  We'll deal with the Grigori, you deal with the Eldarians.
Crowe: Right.  Arumat, help them out.
Arumat: Ok, looks like we'll be fighting together, lad.
Myuria: Ok, I'm fine, I can help blow up a stupid stone.
Crowe: Myuria...look, I know I failed to save your husband, and I TRULY APOLOGIZE WITH MY DEEPEST GRATITUDE for it.   So whatever you wish to do to me, I'll accept that punishment...but please wait til later? We have other matters at hand!
Myuria: ...you're an idiot.  I won't kill you! Its my...and Lucien's...gift to you.
Crowe: Oh, so we're in the clearing then? Ok, time to GO BE A HERO AGAIN!

Faize: Wait! Let me join you, Crowe! I want to help out my Brethren as well!
Crowe: Uh, ok, sure.
Edge: Look, Faize, I know how you feel; I mean, I BLEW UP A PLANET AND WENT INTO ANGST MODE MYSELF.  I know, you didn't do the planet blowing up, but I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.  And you know what got me through this stuff? MY FRIENDS!  So I urge you to remember that you have friends and we'll always support you!  But I won't stop you from leaving our team in order to clear a space for a new ally.
Faize: Right, got it!  Cya everyone!
Lymle: I don't want you to go Faize, 'kay?  You are still wearing that cloak.
Faize: Oh, I am.  Well, Lymle, if you tell me it looks good on me, I might just stay around. </actual line of dialog>
Lymle: No, it looks really ugly on you, 'kay.
*Faize leaves*

Meralcle: Ooh! A new ally! This will be cool, meow!
Myuria: Wait, we just lost a well established character and replaced him with some new guy?  Don't all new characters join with no skills learned, 0 levels of BEAT, and underleveled?
Arumat: Hmph, amateurs!  Little do you guys realize, I'm so bad ass, I actually stole all of Faize's support skills, his levels, his BEAT rankings *AND* his SP!  Heck, I even took his SP and put it into my reserves, so I can REDISTRIBUTE THEM HOWEVER I WANT!
Myuria: OH, really? Wow, that's pretty damn convenient.  Speaking of which, how do you fight?
Arumat: Well, I have some attack ma-...
Myuria: Wait, ANOTHER mage? WE ALREADY HAVE 3 WHO ARE MUCH BETTER THAN FAIZE! NO! WE DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR-...
Arumat: QUIET WENCH! Anyway, I also hold hit things with huge fucking Laser Scythe...really damn hard...
Myuria: ...oh, well, I guess that's somewhat better.
Lymle: We got rid of Faize for another fighter whose a lot better, 'kay.
Myuria: Though, I do question how a LONG SILVER HAIRED guy like you is allowed to be a good guy in a jRPG...
Arumat: Oh, that? It only applies to PRETTY boys! Me? I HAVE A SCAR ON MY FACE! SEE THE SCAR!? SEE IT!?!!? That makes me NOT PRETTY! So I'm allowed to be a good guy.
Myuria: Oh, that makes sense.

[Meeplelard]

Episode 8 - They Don't Make Planets Like They Use Too.

Edge: So, Arumat, is the Grigori in-...
Arumat: Yes.
Edge: And we have to...
Arumat: Yes.
Reimi: Ok, so how are we going to...
Arumat: I didn't come along to smack you all for saying that a mission isn't time for idle banther.
Reimi: Well, EXCUSE ME.
*After exploring the dungeon, beaitng up a bunch of bugs, getting eaten by quicksand a few times, among other shit that you don't need to know about*
Lymle: Look at the giant bug. Is it sleeping?
Myuria: Its not asleep, its dead...
Arumat: Can we stop talking about the useless bug and actually pay attention to the huge glowing rock near it pulsating with evil energy?
Edge: In Otherwords, the Grigori is right there?
Bacchus: Censors would indicate that this is indeed the case.
Egde: Well, what are we waiting for? Lets destroy it!
*the bug turns all red, turns to life, gets possessed by the Grigori...actually, you don't quite understand what's happening, since its quite surreal*
Large Fucking Bug (LFB): We are One! All is one! One is all! WE WILL CHANGE THIS UNIVERSE! OBLIVION!
Edge: Shit! I'm hearing voices in my head! I can't go insane yet!
Reimi: No, its not just you Edge...I HEAR THEM TOO!
Lymle: My head is hurting...
LFB: You will all SUBMIT!!!! to the Darkness! ...er...I mean...wait, crap, wrong thing.  Hang on a moment...
*LFB checks script*
LFB: Ah, there we go. ACCEPT! ACCEPT! ACCEPT!!!! Embrace...NOTHINGNESS!
Everyone but Arumat: Yes, we will join the-...
*Arumat stabs ground with Scythe*
Edge: Huh, zuh?  I feel like I was just a zombie...
Arumat: Hmph, you can't trick me with that crap. I'm too bad ass for that!  ...also, it may have something to do with the fact that I remember all my fallen comrades you destroyed, but I'm going to stick with the bad ass excuse.
Lymle: Mattie saved us, 'kay!
Arumat: I didn't do that to save you, I did it cause you guys would be a nuisance if you all died.
Myuria: Do you even listen to yourself sometimes?
Arumat: Why should I? I'm a veteran ass kcking machine and you're just a bunch of amateurs!
LFB: SILENCE!!! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!
*boss fight is initiated*
Arumat: Damn it! My attacks that normally do ridiculous damage are doing like 1/10th their normal damage...
Bacchus: It seems like all other Grigori Bosses, this one has a weak spot we must exploit.  By which I mean this is going to get annoying.
Edge: Great, anything else we should worry about?
Myuria: Well, it does seem to have an infinite number of offspring that can hit us with Silence and Poison status...
LFB: Nothingness...IS ETERNAL!!!
Myuria: Also, seems to be a Nobody Reject...
LFB: YOU WILL NEVER WIN!  Open your-...wait, crap, wrong line again!
Arumat: Fuck this *pulls a blind side, smacks guy, it takes 8000 damage* I think I just found this atrocities weak point...
Edge: Alright guys! HIT ITS WEAK FOR POINT MASSIVE-...
Arumat: And its dead.
Edge: ...damage...

*Grigori explodes*
Arumat: There, our mission is complete.
Edge: Alright, on to En II! You're all coming with me, right?
Everyone but Arumat: Right!
Lymle: You're coming too, right Mattie?
Arumat: No.
Lymle: But you're our friend now, 'kay? You saved us.
Arumat: No.
Lymle: But friends are people you don't want to die.
Myuria: Lymle, despite being an Eldarian, he's the polar opposite of Faize...which does explain why you seem to actually like him, thinking on it...
Arumat: You're just a naive amateur who rides on luck.  How long do you think that will last?
Edge: I'll take you up on that bet! I bet you we can ride on this luck forever!
Arumat: ...you said the same thing he did.  How Capricious.  Well then, lets go!
Sarah: That's right! Now we must go find the Grogori!
Myuria: That's Grigori...
Sarah: Right! The Gregory!
Entire Team : *Facepalm*
NOTE: She actually makes that mistake in game.


*Scene shift TO SPACE, Phantom Ships are shooting Eldarian Refugees*
Random Dude: Carrier has arrived.
Crowe: Keep firing! Damn it, I need more men! I'll order all these ships!
Random Dude: You have not enough minerals! You require more vespene gas!
Crowe: CRAP! How are the ships holding up?
Different Guy: Most have been shot down...BUT 3 HAVE SUCCESSFULLY ESCAPED!
Crowe: Well, shit, we can't let those bastards win!
Faize: Even though I'm right here, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! MY BRETHREN ARE BEING SLAUGHTERED!  I'm...I'M USELESS! NO! I...WON'T LET THEM DIE!!!!
*Faize leaves the bridge, their ship gets hit*
Crowe: STATUS REPORT!
Oblique 3rd guy: Our engine has been hit! We lost some thrust power!
Crowe: Get it repaired ASAP!  Faize, I need you to...Faize? Where'd you go?
Random Dude: Air Hatch Has Been Open!
Crowe: Ok, that's not a Starcraft line, so you're fired! That said...SHIT! He wouldn't dare...
*the Sol leaves the ship*
Faize: I'll protect them all.  I'll save everyone single handedly with this little meager ship that shouldn't be armed but is.  I'LL PROTECT MY ENTIRE RACE!!!  THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN DO BUT EDGE CAN'T! YOU'LL SEE!
*eyes turn evil red again*
Faize: DIE FUCKING PHANTOM BASTARD SCUM YOU PIECE OF SHIT ^*^*@)(^
*Faize gets engulfed in big shiny glorious light*
Crowe: Faize! Are you alright? Faize? FAIZE!? FAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

*back with Edge and Co.*
Edge: Finally, back to the Calnus...OFF TO En II WE GO! BACCHUS! SET THE CO-ORDINATES!
Bacchus: Affirmative!
Reimi: Say, Edge, I just remembered something...
Edge: Hm?
Reimi: Haven't we...deviated from our ordres, and gone against them to get the Grigori?
Edge: Yeah...
Reimi: We have to report back to the SRF eventually, you know, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS!?
Edge: ...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Reiimi: Yeah, but...well, I'm sure we can find a way around it...but what about Crowe? They'll juts dismiss the Grigori thing, maybe, but Crowe...HE'S SCREWED IF WE MENTION HIM!
Edge: ...you had to tell me that, didn't you? *Sigh*  Alright, everyone. we're about to go to En II.  We have to learn the SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE.  So you need to make sure you wanna-...
Reimi: I'm in.
Bacchus: Affirmative.
Myuria: Yep.
Meracle: Ditto, Meow!
Lymle: 'kay.
Arumat: Whatever.
Sarah: I can't fly, so I'm stuck anyway!
Edge: ...well, that makes everything easier.  Off to En II we go!

*on the way to En II*
Lymle: Mattie...
Arumat: Yes?
Lymle: You're sitting in Faize's seat, 'kay?
Arumat: Oh, I'll leave when he gets back, don't worry.  For now, though, he's not here, and I want to be comfortable.
Meracle: You miss Faize, don't you Lymle?
Lymle: I don't care for Faize at all, 'kay?
Sarah: You're face says different.
Lymle: Faize can be gone forever, I don't care.
Bacchus: Sorry to break the mood, but my censors tell us there's an energy source coming at us...fast...
Edge: Can you make out what they are?
Bacchus: Yes, they are...ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LASER BEAMS.
Edge: ...WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
*Ship takes hit*
Edge: Status report!
Reimi: Damage minimal! By which I mean half the ship is blown apart...
Edge: Oh, so nothing big, ok.
Bacchus: I sense two ships in front of us, putting visual on now.
*two Phantom Ships appear*
Edge: Umm...ok, this is bad.
Arumat: Put the gun controls over here, I'll take 'em down if you don't mind! I'm good at this stuff!
Myuria: While I agree that would be a good idea...this ship is only equipped with Nerf slingshots.
Arumat: Oh...well...scratch that idea.
Edge: IN that case...RETREA-...
*Ship gets hit again*
Edge: Ok, that's not going to work, ENERGY SHIELDS NO-...
*Shields get hit*
Reimi: Only 40% of them are left!  We can't survive another volley!
Edge: ...WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
Bacchus: My censors indicate there's a 3rd ship of unknown signature behind us.
Edge: Well, it was good while it lasted...say Reimi, can you survive in space with your special powers?
Reimi: I...don't know?
*The Phantom Ships get blasted in half by two well placed lasers*
Reimi: Oh, good, now I won't have to find out!
Edge: Better yet, we're going to live! Say, who saved us? Is that a Morphus ship?
Bacchus: Negative.  It seems more like an Earth ship. 
Voice: SRF-003 Calnus, open contact! We are not your enemy!
Edge: Ok, so they're from Earth.  Patch them through!

*Commander Lightspeed Kenni appears*
Edge: OMG! ITS LIGHTSPEED KENNI! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Myuria: Whose he?
Reimi: Oh, first human to ever break Lightspeed.  He's a big hero, and the guy who pioneered space exploration.  I think Edge is getting a bit over his head...
Reimi's thoughts: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! ITS REALLY HIM! AND HE'S SO SEXY!
Kenni: Ah, Captain Edge Maverick I presume.
Edge: *breaks out of fanboy mode* Uh, yes, that's me.
Kenni: Good to see your alive, SRF-003 Calnus.   As you already know, I am Commander Kenni.
Edge: Captain Edge Maverick of the Calnus, sir!
Reimi: First Officer Reimi Sayonji (SP?), sir!
Meracle: I'm Meracle, meow!
Lymle: Hello.
Myuria: Now's not the time you guys
*Drags both away*
Sarah: Oh my, I'm Sarah, and I'm of the Featherfolk, and I can't fly!
Bacchus: This would be an inappropriate moment for such things.
*Bacchus carries Sarah off*
Kenni: Quite a crew you have...
Edge: Uh, yeah, sorry we have a bunch of aliens you've never heard of.
Kenni: No, its fine; a Captain is allowed to use whoever he sees fit.
Edge: So...uh...yeah, about that report...
Kenni: Ah, yes, please tell me in excruciating detail!
Edge: Will do!  You see, it all started when I was 5 and...

*screen turns blank for a second*
Edge: And that's my life story until this exact moment!
Kenni: *is sleeping*
Reimi: Um...Edge...you were suppose to tell him only the stuff related to the mission...
Edge: Oh...uhh...oops...say, WAKE UP!
Kenni: What? Zuh? Oh, I'm sorry.  You're quite enthuisaistic Edge.  To think you've went through all that without breaking, truly a remarkable man indeed!
Edge: Sweet! I got praised by THE LIGHTSPEED KENN!I
Kenni: Which pains me to say we're going to blow up the Calnus.
Edge: Swee-...wait WHAT?
Kenni: Oh, don't worry, we aren't going to blow it up with YOU in it.  We'll just forcefully pull you off the ship to ours and...
Edge: ...why?
Kenni: Oh, I should probably explain the current scenario.  You see, Eldarian ships were sighted outside of Mars on a basic investigation...a bunch of them.  Naturally, Earth extended an open arm to help the only extraterrestrials we've confirmed existing...
Edge: Yeah, well, I just confirmed at least 3 other races exist besides them...
Kenni: Yes, I'm aware.  Anyway, the Eldarians however blamed Earth for the destruction of Eldar!
Edge: But...the Phantoms did that...
Kenni: Yes, yes they did.  But the Eldarians just saw our ships blowing them up so they came to their own conclusions.  Oh, don't worry, their Commander Gaghan argued on our behalf...but to no avail.
Edge: So...uh...are we at war with the Eldarians?
Kenni: Oh, no.  The USTA simply just pretended the SRF doesn't exist, and we have to destroy all evidence that it does, thereby proving its a physical impossibility for us to have destroyed them.  THIS MEANS ALL EVIDENCE MUST GO!
Edge: That's just a charrade though...
Kenni: IT is, but to make sure it works, they have officially disbanded the SRF...and I'm suppose to help make that a reality by blowing up all traces of it.  You know, wipe a clean slate?
Edge: WELL YOU CAN SUCK IT.
Kenni: Huh?
Edge: You're not taking the Calnus!  Is that what the SRF stood for? Fuck, I'm not giving up my ship! I'm leaving whether you like it or not!
Kenni: You'll be branded a traitor...
Edge: That's better than following those stupid orders, right guys?
Reimi: I'm in.
Bacchus: Affirmative.
Myuria: Yep.
Meracle: Ditto, Meow!
Lymle: 'kay.
Arumat: Whatever.
Sarah: Goodness Gracious!
Kenni: Well, if that's how it is, so be it!  Don't forget that resolve boy!  I won't do anything, but know that since you defied our commands, the USTA can't help you out and you probably won't be allowed back on Earth.  Again, I am not trying to sound like a douche, just indicating that bad things MAY occur.
Edge: Yeah, well, we're not going back to Earth anytime soon.
Kenni: Very well, God Speed young one!

*Calnus warps off*
Heinz: Sir, was that the right thing to do?
Kenni: Shh! I'm lost in thought, I need to flashback so I can get some actual screen time and development!
Heinz: My apologies!
*Flashback*
Kenni: What do you mean you're disbanning the SRF?
Shimada: Ah, yes, I'm doing it cause it'll make me look better in front of Eldarians.  You know, it'll help my political career if I get not only people of our planet, but aliens to vote for me as well!
Shimada's Bitches: Yes, brilliant idea sir! WELL SAID!
Kenni: But...what about exploring space so we can leave Earth before it completely decays and we die?
Shimada: HA! The Earth isn't going to die tomorrow!
Shimada's Bitches: Yes, brilliant idea sir! WELL SAID!
Kenni: So we're just going to throw away all the dreams of those young kids? Throw away all the aspirations of Earth?  Have you even considered just asking Gaghan, whose a very reasonable guy and even shown he knows we didn't do it, to try and speak on Earth's behalf?
Shimada: You ignobles are so naive! I must do this so I look better and GET A PROMOTION!
Shimada's Bitches: Yes, brilliant idea sir! WELL SAID!
Shimada: You think your hero status matters more than MY DEPUTY COMMANDER RANK!? NO!? Good, know that you're just selfish in MY presence!
Kenni: Yes, yes its so selfish to want to perserve mankind's fate, compared to furthering space exploration for your own political career. </obvious confrontational sarcasm>
Shimada: I'm glad you understand!
*Flashback ends*
Heinz: Hello! Boss! Earth to guy who is the ancestor of a Star Ocean 1 Archer/Mage and the Main Character of Star Ocean 2!
Kenni: Huh? What? Oh, sorry, I was just reminiscing about how easily I accepted these stupid orders.  How will we tell them we let the Calnus go I wonder...
Heinz: Well, sir, actually, the orders were...ah...kind of vague enough that I know a way!
Kenni: Oh?
Heinz: He said "Destroy all SRF Ships", but well lets analyze this.  The SRF is suppose to not exist anymore, and was suppose to never exist.  Therefor, how can we run into a ship from a non-existent federation?
Kenni: In Other Words, a loop hole, so we can tell the "truth" and not feel guilty?
Heinz: Pretty much.
Kenni: Isn't that a total charade?
Heinz: Well, you are countering ANOTHER charade with it.
Kenni: ...touche...

*back at the Calnus*
Bacchus: Its going to take a while til we reach En II.  This would be a good moment to sleep, and do PAs.
Edge: Alright, later all, I'm going to take a nap.
*One Nap later*
Edge: AAAH! That was good...ok, time to head to the Bri-...
*Insert Disc 3*
Edge: Wait WHAT? AGAIN!?
*Edge changes discs since Meracle isn't around to bitch slap into doing it*
Edge: Ok, NOW onto the Bridge!
Reimi: Um...Edge...we're at En II but...I can't see it...but the Co-ordinates are...
Myuria: If you knew you were being watched, wouldn't YOU try to hide?
Reimi: Oh, is that all there is?
*Huge fucking Pyramid appears out of nowhere*
Edge: WHOA! I didn't see that there before! It appeared out of nowhere! How does that even work?
Myuria: Edge, Bacchus has been using Cloaking Devices on himself and on the Ship for quite a while now, don't you think that Nedian Morphus technology MAY be advanced enough for such things?
Voice: Welcome, comrades.
Edge: ...you two never told me the Morphus were communists,
Arumat: Great, just what I need; a bunch of ancient high tech commis...
Voice: We are ready to welcome you aboard.  There are urgent matters so small talk won't do.  Please, come in.
*Calnus lands in the "planet"*
Bacchus: Edge, I must take my leave for about 5 minutes.  I am going to install HIGH TECH WEAPONRY onto the Calnus, if that's alright.
Edge: So you're going to turn an Exploration ship into a Warship?
Bacchus: Precisely.
Edge: ...LETS DO IT!
Voice: Outsiders, please, go meet "Ex"
Reimi: Whose "Ex"?
Myuria: He's...ah...well...you see...oh screw it, its just easier to show you when we get there.
*team goes to where "Ex" is*
Edge: So are you "Ex"?
Guy: No, I'm Giotto.  You are all my new Comrades too.
Edge: I...see? Anyway, hi, I'm Edge Maverick. Everyone, introduce yourselves!
*they all do*
Edge: Now, Shake my hand will you?
Giotto: ....
Edge: Uh, is that such an odd request?
<actual lines of dialog>
Giotto: Oh, I'm sorry.  I was just thinking the proper way to address you.  325 different ways came to mind but I couldn't think of the proper way to formulate it.
Edge: You...put a lot of thought into this?
Myuria: Giotto's not what one would call a people person.
Sarah: Yes, there's lots of people like that around!
</actual lines of dialog>
Edge: Well, a simple Hi and a handshake would work!
Giotto: Anyway, its time you meet "Ex"
*Giotto turns on computer*
Cyril: YES! SOON US! GOD'S 10 WISE MEN SHALL BE-...
Giotto: Oh, wait, wrong button...
Cyril: NO! I haven't finished speak-
*Computer shifts*
Edge: What was that about?
Giotto: Something not part of THIS story, I can assure you.  Anyway, here is "Ex"
"Ex": GREETINGS! I AM THE ALL AND POWERFUL "EX". I KNOW EVERYTHING! I AM THE WILL OF THE NEDIANS  MORPHUS!
Edge: Um, hi there?
"Ex": NOW I WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT THE GRIGORI AND PHANTOMS.  THEY SEEK TO FURTHER EVOLUTION FOR THE MISSING PROCEDURE, AND THUS DESTROY EVERYTHING TO CREATE A NEW UNIVERSE! ONE DEVOID OF LIFE! THIS IS THE NATURAL WAY OF THE UNIVERSE WHEN IT RESPONDS TO EVOLUTION!
Edge: Wait...so by evolving, we further the destruction of the universe? So by EXISTING, we're not different than Grigori?  WELL FUCK. Doesn't that throw some horrible philosophical bullshit into all of this.  I mean, learning that ALL LIFE harms the universe?  Geez, so the answer to the "meaning of life" is "everything is insipid poison to destroy existence."  Great thing to learn.
"Ex": IT IS TRUE THAT YOU ARE NOT ENTIRELY GUITLESS, BUT YOUR PURE HEARTS!!! OFFSET ALL THAT!! CAUSE YOUR EVOLUTION IS NATURAL, YOU CAN EVOLVE WITHOUT HARMING THE UNIVERSE!!!
Arumat: Ok, I think I've finally lost my mind.  A FUCKING COMPUTER is telling us that the universe is going to be destroyed, but cause we have PURE HEARTS, we can save it? WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS GUY RULER OF EN II?
Myuria: Hey, don't look at me.  I voted for "Ziroh".
"Ex": YOU MUST STOP THE GRIGORI BEFORE THE MISSING PROCEDURE KILLS EVERYONE! THAT IS THE NATURE OF LIFE ENERGY AND EVOLUTION! THIS EVIL EXTERNAL FORCE THAT WISHES TO DESTROY ALL LIFE SO THAT THERE IS A STATIC UNIVERSE THAT FOLLOWS UP MUST BE STOPPED!
Arumat: In otherwords, we destroy the missing procedure, and all is good? Sounds simple enough.
Edge: I don't think its that easy...
Giotto: The Missing Procedure cannot be destroyed.  It is infinite.
Reimi: So...all is lost, and everything is futile?
Giotto: Oh, you can't DESTROY the Missing Procedure, but you can STOP IT, and halt its progress, and isn't that good enough?
Edge: I...guess?
"Ex": I HAVE CONFIRMED A WAY THAT WILL WORK! ALL YOU NEED TO...OH NO.  IT SEEMS THE EN II IS UNDER ATTACK BY OUR ENEMIES THE PHANTOMS AND A GRIGORI!  WE WILL GET A DEFENSIVE SQUAD REA-...
Edge: We'll do it! We've beat up so many Grigori, we're experts at it, right?
"Ex":BWAHAAHHAAH! SUCH VIGOROUS YOUTH! VERY WELL.  YOU UNDERDEVELOPED SPECIES BY OUR STANDARDS SHALL GO AND DESTROY IT! GO SAVE THE UNIVERSE, YOUNG ONES!
*"Ex" shuts off*
Myuria: You know, all this time, I didn't know "Ex" was capable of laughter.
Giotto: Nor did I.  I guess you guys must have hit a nerve somewhere.
Arumat: Wait, are you saying that computer has ACTUAL EMOTIONS AND PERSONALITY?
Giotto: Yes, is that really so odd?
Arumat: where do you want me to start?
Edge: We don't have time for that! Where's the Grigori?
Giotto: It seems to be in the sanctuary.
Bacchus: Yes, then we shall proceed to that very location!

----

Arumat: So, I think as the Eldarian that replaced Faize, its my duty to figure out what's going on right now.
Myuria: Hm?
Arumat: Basically, some external source thinks we're evolving too fast, right?
Myuria: Apparently.
Arumat: And said source believes it to be a god, and wants to destroy our universe, replacing it with one that doesn't evolve but stays static, right?
Myuria: Yeah, is this going anywhere?
Arumat: Yes.  Do you think its possible that we're nothing more than a Massive Multiplayer Online RPG for some people in a different dimension, and we've somehow grown our own personalities, and now they're trying to delete us through some really lame attempts?
Myuria: What? That's nonsense! Of course the Phantoms aren't something like that! They're just some pricks who want to destroy the universe and came out of nowhere!
Arumat: Yeah, I guess when you put it that way, my theory doesn't make much sense; this is why I stick more to fighting than thinking.  I mean,  what are the chances that it could be true?

[Meeplelard]

Episode 9 - Lets Talk About Things No One Understands

Edge: Ok, so where is this Sanctuary?
Bacchus: We can either take the road there or transport directly to that spot in mere seconds from Centropolis.
Edge: Right, lets do the transporter thing!
*at the Transporter*
Transporter Girl: I'm sorry, this thing doesn't work.  Please take the LONG TREACHEROUS ROAD to the Sanctuary that people haven't used in millions of years.
Edge: ...how'd I know things wouldn't be that easy?
*at the road, they reach a wall blocked by vines*
Reimi: Um...sir, how do we get past here?
Old Guy: Oh, you need a Wind Ring of course!
Myuria: Why can't we just use a Fire Ring to burn down the vines?
Old Guy: What do you think this is? POKEMON!? NO! YOU MUST USE A WIND RING!
Arumat: Or I could use my Scythe and CUT DOWN THEM IN NO TIME.  I mean, these are vines we're talking about.
Old Guy: WIND. RING. NEEDED. GET. NOW.
Lymle: Where is the wind ring, 'kay?
Old Guy: Oh, the Chief of the Flora/Fauna lab should have it! He's back at Centropolis.
*at Flora/Fauna research*
Edge: Hey, you, Chief guy, where's the Wind Ring?
Chief: Oh, I had it...but I buried it in a grave years ago.
Edge: Oh, yeah, THAT makes a lot of sense...so what grave?
Chief: I'm sorry, I don't know, it was years ago! I'm shocked that guy even remembers.
Bacchus: The Cemetery is located on the complete opposite side of this town, may I advise we head over there?
Edge: Isn't this entire artificial planet kind of, you know, IN A STATE OF EMERGENCY And we're forced to take our time looking for one freaking ring?
Bacchus: That is correct.
Edge: *Sigh* lets get this over with.
*at the cemetery*
Some Other Guy: Oh, yeah, I saw the ring! It was buried in a grave stone over there!
Edge: Right, lets check that gra-...huh? There's a note here.
Note: DO NOT DEFILE THE GRAVE OF THE DEAD! HEED THIS WARNING! YOU ARE FOOLS TO DO SO! By the way, the Ring is with the Unyielding Gravekeeper.
Myuria: A riddle, how cute.
Arumat: You don't sound very convincing.
Bacchus: Analyzing data...it seems the ring will be in the tree just up those stairs.
Edge: So the unyielding Gravekeeper is a tree?
Bacchus: Yes.
Edge: And no one sees anything wrong with this?
Bacchus: By my calculations, if a tree can be a villain, it can be used for a completely worthless fetch quest riddle.
Edge: Good point, lets just get that ring.
*Team gets ring, runs back, takes down vines*
Edge: Ok, FINALLY, we can progress!
Meracle: Hey look! An old guy! MEOW! Lets go talk to him!
Sarah: Oh dear, I think that guy is an ene-...
*Battle starts, Stab the Sword of Justice from Star Ocean 2 kicks in*
Sarah: ...my.  Say, why does the music sound different?
Reimi: Its Star Ocean 2 Fanservice world, of course they have to have music that is from that game here!  Anyway, lets just kill this-...
Meracle: Falcon...PAWNCH!!!!!
Wizard: I can't die...yet...
Reimi: ...fight...
"This Game's Winner is...MERACLE!"
Meracle: Meow! I did it!
*fight ends, team reaches the last room*

Bacchus: My censors indicate the Grigori is over there!
Edge: Is there any reason you had to tell us that?   I mean, we can plainly see the guy right in front of us...
Bacchus: No, no there was not.  I guess even my Cold Hard Steel Body is impulsive.
*they confront the Grigori, who will be known as Koala Bear cause I can't remember his actual name, just that it resembles that*
Koala Bear: Rar! It is you pests again!
Edge: Wait, you guys actually share a single brain?
Koala Bear: Yes! Though, we don't share a personality, so unlike my bug freakish sister, I will not be hurling Kingdom Hearts quotes at you.
Edge: Ok, good.
Koala Bear: Now, you will submit to our-...
Edge: I thought you said no Kingdom Hearts quotes?
Koala Bear: ...ok, FINE! You will ACCEPT our divine rule and how we will recreate the universe! All is one! One is all! We are that all that is one that is all that is...
Reimi: I think he started an infinite Ko loop...
Koala Bear: SILENCE!!!  Now, you will die!
Edge: Nah, it is YOU who will die! We won't fall for your same mind control trick again!
Koala Bear: Oh, but we won't fall for YOUR trap a second time either! Activate INSTANT PWNAGE PLOT MOVE!
Everyone: Oh god! We must suddenly drop unconscious due to this mist!
Koala Bear: Don't worry, you will all keep your will.  It is a shame you didn't leave or we could have spared your lives for just a few more minutes.  Now, I will conveniently leave while you just sit there unconcious and not actually kill you and-...
*Arrow gets shot RIGHT IN HIS FACE*
Reimi: JUST AS PLANNED!!!
*symbol on her neck is glowing*
Koala Bear: WHAT!!?!
Reimi: Easy. I knew you'd start ranting when you thought we were all dead, so I just played along.  See, I'm a little different than other people. Now get up everyone!
Edge: Huh? we're fine? Sweet! Thanks Reimi!
Reimi: Edge, how you feeling?
Edge: *powers up his symbol* LIKE I'M READY TO KICK HIS ASS!
Koala Bear: Oh poo-poo.
*Cue really fucking annoying boss fight*
Edge: You know what? This fight pisses me off! But I have one trump card up my sleeve!
Arumat: And what might that be, amateur?
Edge: Stampede Blast!!! -> Did I hit him? -> Yes ->  Mystic Cross!!!  -> Is he dead yet? -> No -> Is he close? -> Yes -> SHORYUKEN!!1
*Koala Bear goes into death animation*
Arumat: I'm not sure what the hell happened, but I can't argue with the results.
*after fight*
Koala Bear: NO! If you, WOMAN, didn't exist, we would have succeeded faster!
Myuria: Yeah, well, too bad, Reimi does exist, and it sucks to be you.
Koala Bear: The Light, THE LIIIIIIGHT!
*he dies*
Edge: Reimi! You did it! Its all thanks to you you did it!
Reimi: I...did it, didn't I? Me and my power saved everyone? I don't believe it!  I really can bring happiness to people, I CAN BE A SHINING STAR OF HOPE!
Lymle: Reirei is happy, so I'm happy too, hurray.
Bacchus: It seems Giotto is fond of our efforts as well.  In fact, he's going to pay all our expenses in town when we go back for some rest!
Edge: So basically, everything is for free?
Bacchus: That is correct.
Edge: ALRIGHT! TIME TO LET LOOSE!
Myuria: So...anyone wanna tell him that this will last only until the end of this long plot scene?
Arumat: Let the kid enjoy his moment; it'll be that much more amusing when he realizes its completely meaningless later.
Lymle: I'm hungry, 'kay.
Meracle: If you're hungry, I'm famished!
*Meracle eyes Sarah*
Sarah: Huh, is there something wrong?
Edge: Anyway, lets get some rest!

*that night, in the inn*
Edge: Huh? You're up too Reimi? Couldn't sleep?
Reimi: Yeah, I just got up myself.
Edge: Had a nightmare, eh?
Reimi: ...what makes you think THAT!?
Edge: Cause you seem to have them all the time? I've known you for like ever and every other day you'd come whining to me about bad dreams you've had.
Reimi: ...did I really do that?
Edge: Yes, did you forget or something?
Reimi: Evidently.  Anyway, it was just a dream about Mom and Dad.  One I've had a lot.  Only now I can look at it and be happy about ti for the first time. I can also say this for the first time. "Mom, Dad...thanks."
Edge: Heh, yeah, I should say that too. "Mom, Dad, thanks for the SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME POWERS I have and this sweet looking crest on my hand!"
Reimi: You know, I use to hate my body and-...
Edge: ...you told me this already.
Reimi: I'M TELLING YOU AGAIN EDGE! But anyway, now I see there are advantages to BEING IMMORTAL!!! Not being able to die from natural causes is so nice! I use to wish I was born a normal person, and always hated my parents for that but...NOT ANYMORE!  I was also jealous of you Edge cause you came to grips with your own special powers that are still really kind of vague so easily, when I've been angsting about it my entire life.
Edge: I'm sorry for being so accepting?
Reimi: But not anymore! I was able to protect everyone thanks to that power! Even the person I love want to be with the most!
Edge: Oh, whose that?
*Reimi puts her hand on Edge's*
Edge: ...oh.
Reimi: Edge, I never noticed how firm your back is...and warm too. </actual line of dialog>
Edge: Huh? What's that suppose to...
*Edge notices Reimi is sleeping on his back*
Edge: ...oh.

*the next morning*
Bacchus: It seems "Ex" wants to tell us the exact plans for taking out the Missing Procedure, it is advisable we go meet him.
Edge: Right! TO MONITOR ROOM A WE GO!
*at Monitor Room A, there's a fuck load of Nedians Morphus*
Edge: Are all of these guys going to become Party members or something? Cause I didn't realize this was a Suikoden...
Giotto: Oh, them? No, they're just going to be cannon fodder soldiers that will assist you on your mission to take out the NOX OBSCURA!!!! *insert ominous music here*
Myuria: The who of what now?
Bacchus: No data of such a thing exists.
Giotto: Of course not, "Ex" only learned of it 5 minutes ago, which is why he didn't tell you before hand.
Edge: How convenient...mind telling us what it is?
Giotto: Basically, Missing Procedure creates Grigori, Grigori grab life energy, send it to Nox Obscura, Nox Obscura takes Life energy, amplifies it, sends it to Missing Procedure, where it creates more Grigori and...
Reimi: In otherwords, its an infinite loop of EVIL?
Edge: Didn't we already have one infinite loop reference in this episode?
Reimi: Yes, but this time, ITS SERIOUS!
Giotto: In short, that's correct.  The Nox Obscura is also some really fucked up condensed black hole, for that matter.
Arumat: So all we gotta do is blow up the Nox Obscura in order to stop the Missing Procedure? That sounds easy enough!
Giotto: Ah! Its not that simple! We MAY be able to stop it! But we have to SUCCEED first!
Edge: ...isn't that the case with everything?
Giotto: Yes, yes it is.
Edge: So...what is this Nox Obscura anyway?
Giotto: Look at this computer screen?
*picture of an ENTIRE BIG EVIL PLANET appears*
Arumat: You know, maybe blowing that thing up might be a little harder than it sounds.
Edge: Hey, is that the Cardionan Ship STUCK IN THERE!?
Bacchus: Yes, it is.  It seems their destination was the Nox Obscura.
Reimi: So their destiny was extinction? Its so sad!
Edge: I know. THOSE EVIL BASTARDS were all killed and wiped off...and we didn't get to kill them ourselves.
Giotto: Oh yeah, the planet is heading towards your Solar System, it seems to want to *close up to Giotto* EAT. EARTH.
Edge: ...
Reimi: ...
Giotto: Oh, don't worry, you still have time.  Ok, here's the plan!  In this big planet, there's literally ONE Lifeform, located directly at the center.  We're going to bombard the planet with everything we got, penetrate it, and fire a photon torpedo right in this small area, hitting the middle of it, causing a chain reaction, causing the Nox Obscurus r to self destruct.
Edge: ...uhh...I think you're looking at the wrong plans.
Giotto: I...huh? How'd this read out of the Death Star get in here?
"Ex": OOOH! I got you good Giotto! Oh yeah, thank you Edge for reviving my sense of humor! Ohohohoho!
Giotto: ...can we get serious?
"Ex": Er...right, I'm not suppose to be in this scene, later!
Giotto: Ok, the REAL plan is that we all land on the planet, head right to the core, and destroy it! Just one of us has to make it there, so the rest of you can all be dead.  Oh, yes, we'll grieve for your losses, but as long as one of you makes it nothing else matters!  I of course will be stationed nicely on this planet safe from harm while you all go on this suicide mission!
Lymle: I think I get it.
Meracle: Yeah, I understand everything, meow!
Sarah: I...could you go over that again!?
Lymle: Sarrie, you're over there, 'kay?
Meracle: Yeah, stop getting in everyone's way!
*Meracle and Lymle drag Sarah away*
Giotto: Anyway, we have finished upgrading your ship, OUR NEW HONORARY COMRADES, and it now has really awesome lasers that can help out in a fight.
Arumat: Well about time!
Giotto: Oh, and...good luck out there! (you're going to need it.)
Edge: Thanks!
*They shake hands*

Myuria: Lets see.  We've already had lots of Star Ocean 1 fanservice, and now we have to invade some other planet helped by a bunch of my kind who are clearly NOT from Star Ocean 2.
Arumat: Are you implying something?
Myuria: Oh, I'm just wondering what half assed Star Ocean 2 Fan service they can cook up in the next 5 hours.
Arumat: Is it possible they might actually avoid the fanservice, and come up with something actually original for once in this game?
Myuria: No, I've lost all faith in their ability to be remotely creative back on Roak.

[Meeplelard]

Final Episode - When Buildings Fall Down

Bacchus: It is advisable that we head off to Nox Obscurus now, and end its evil.
Edge: Yeah, you're right...LETS HEAD TO THE SANCTUARY AND LOOK FOR SOME RANDOM SIDE QUESTS THERE!
Myuria: Like that will be the-...
*They transport to the Sanctuary*
Gem of Might: Beat this stupid boss!
Gem of Courage: Beat these 4 fights in a row!
Gem of Love: Find a Psyndard Egg and hatch it!
Gem of Wisdom: Go to different planets and find this object!
Myuria: Well, they certainly showed me.
Reimi: Might, Courage, Wisdom, Love...these things sound...familiar...like they were used before...
Lymle: And Psynard looks kind of like Sinard, 'kay?
Sarah: Oh dear, these things were all in Star Ocean 2!
Meracle: Meow, that's crazy!
Edge: Yeah, these things are all CLEARLY ORIGINAL! Anyway, now that 3 of these 4 side quests are done...
Reimi: Why aren't we doing the 4th?
Edge: Cause it involves running around the entire galaxy and I really don't feel like doing that...
Arumat: You catch on quickly, amateur.
Edge: Anyway...TO THE BATTLE FIELD!

*ships fly off to Nox Obscurus*
Giotto: Alright, everyone, FIRE AT WILL! BLOW UP PHANTOM SHIPS!
*big space battle starts, the Calnus has problems hitting the target despite HUGE LASERS*
Meracle: Why aren't we destroying anything? Isn't our ship like uber powerful now!? </She actually says this>
Myuria: How strong a ship is doesn't matter if you can't hit anything!
Reimi: I know, I keep readjusting my calculations but they keep moving out of the way!
Sarah: Oh dear, I must go out there and fight!
Lymle: me too, 'kay?
Sarah: Yes, how do we get off this thing again?
Edge: ...so...without responding to that question properly, I have one thing to say...
Reimi: What's that?
Edge: WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
Voice in Arumat's Head: Use the force, Arumat!
Arumat: Hmph, put the guns over here, will you?
*He starts targetting stuff manually*
Myuria: You aren't seriously thinking that's going to...
*Arumat hits everything WITH PIN POINT ACCURACY< sometimes blowing up 5 ships at once with single shots*
Myuria: Shooting...manually...its primitive and barbaric...but hey, if it works...
Arumat: Leave the shooting to me, you just fly us through this thing!
Edge: Right, Myuria, Arumat, I'm leaving this in your hands! Anyway, we've broken through the first line! Alright, time for the...

*Star Wolf music plays*
Wolf: Can't let you do that, STAR FOX CALNUS!!
Leon: Andross The Grigori has ordered us to take you down!
Pigma: Peppy Myuria, long time no see?
Andrew: Andross Grigori's Enemy is MY ENEMY!
Edge: Just what I needed to see, Star Wolf  A BUNCH OF SPACE FURRIES.  Lets take them out first! ALL RANGE MODE!!!
Lymle: Do a Barrel Roll, 'kay.
Wolf: You're good...but I'm better!
Edge: No, you aren't, only CROWE is!
Leon: Annoying bird, I am the great Leon!
Sarah: Oh dear, is he talking to me?
Pigma: You can't beat me, I've got a better ship!
Myuria: ...right...
Andrew: YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE!
Meracle: Meow, nor are you!
*the fight ends*
Wolf: I...CAN'T...LOSE!!!
Leon: THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
Pigma: MY BEAUTIFUL REWARD....AAAAUUUUGHHH!!!!
Andrew: UNCLE ANDROSS!!!
Reimi: Edge...dear...what was up with that?
Edge: I...don't know, but hey, we won! Mission Com-...

*Nox Obscurus summons a huge fucking fleet much bigger than the previous one*
Edge: Ok, we barely survived the first line...HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS?
Bacchus: Estimated chance of success is...
*a bunch of lasers come out of nowhere, wiping out all the ships*
Bacchus: ...rising dramatically as we speak...
Edge: But...who is doing that?
Kenni: Ah! Calnus! YOu have Earth and the Eldarian's full support!  We'll help blow things up over here, and join with the Morphus.
Edge: Sweet! ANOTHER Deus Ex Machina! Though...can I ask you one question?
Kenni: Yes?
Edge: Where the HELL did you get all those ships from?
Kenni: Gameshark, of course.
Edge: Ah.
Kenni: Oh yeah, Commander Gaghan is here too, just to prove Eldarians are on our side!
Gaghan: Yes...say, where's Faize?
Edge: Oh, he's with Crowe, helping evacuated Eldarians!  I'm sure he's safe.
Gaghan: yes, I'm sure absolutely NOTHING could go wrong!
Edge: Yeah...NOW LETS WIN THIS...

*Nox Obscurus sucks up the Cardionan Ship, which was their landing point*
Bacchus: It seems we lack an opening...and something strange is happening with that planet...
Meracle: Meow! Something is happening!
*Nox Obscurus turns into a HUGE FUCKING DRAGON*
Reimi: What is that?
Arumat: So Nox Obscurus' final line of defense is turning into a planet sized Dragon...
Myuria: Say big guy, what's your scanners say about that things Power Level?
Bacchus: Its OVER 9000!!!!
Myuria: 9000!? THERE'S NO WAY IT CAN BE THAT HIGH!
Arumat: Would anyone mind if I shared my pessimism at this moment?
Edge: HEY! That's my job.  *Ahem* WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
Reimi: Phew, no I feel relieved.
Sarah: Why might that be?
Reimi: Whenver Edge yells that, we're insured to live!
*Dragon fires a huge beam of death*
Edge: Um...shit, MYURIA! GET US OUT OF HERE!
*they dodge the beam, barely*
Myuria: Am I good or what?
Bacchus: Yes, but 40% of the Morphus, Eldarian and Earthling ships just got blown up.
Reimi: That beam...its heading towards earth...oh god!
Edge: Oh no, you don't mean...
Reimi: No, its not that bad.  I just mean we're about to shift the game's focus.

*Beam heads towards the moon
*Moon Base*
Shimada: HA! Everyone is gone getting themselves killed while I enjoy this lovely steak!
Yes Man #1: Um, sir, don't you think we should leave? I mean, its dangerous being here without the military to protect us!
Shimada: HA! Let the "heroes" handle everything, while we sit in luxury! I mean, what could go wrong! Also, THIS STEAK ISN'T COOKED!
*Beam of death hits the moon base head on*
Shimada: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HURTS MORE! THE IRONY OR THE PAINFUL DEATH!
*Moon base goes boom, beam travels just under Earth, missing it*
Edge: Well, that was a relief...so what's gonna...oh look, the Dragon's Head is gone! LETS ATTA-...
*Dragon's head regrows, fires ANOTHER BEAM*
Edge: Umm...shit?
Bacchus: I have bad news...while we did dodge this one, I cannot estimate how long it takes to fire.
Edge: Oh no! And the other ships can't help us! Is there no one out there who can help?
*the Aquila comes in out of nowhere, as a total wreck that is still flying*
Crowe: Hey Edge, sorry I'm late!
Edge: Damn it Crowe! Don't steal the show!  Anyway, what's up?
Crowe: Oh, not much.  I just kind of failed to save many Eldarian's since I fucked up.
Lymle: How's Faize!?
Crowe: He's probably DEAD.  No, we couldn't find the body, but he left on his Sol to take on the ENTIRE PHANTOM FLEET SINGLE HANDEDLY.  WE lost contact from there...
Lymle: ...I don't care if Faize is dead, 'kay.
Edge: So...uh...Crowe, even if your ship is busted, you read to attack that Dragon HEAD ON!?
Arumat: A suicide mission, eh? I like your style, Amateur!
Crowe: Actually, I have a plan.  You see, we can't win normally, so we'll cheat.  My plan is *insert technobabble here* and thus, CREATE A BLACK HOLE.
Edge: Oh, that sounds like a good-...wait, won't you kind of DIE at the same time?
Crowe: Yeah, I will, but that's kind of my job.  Besides, my ship is a piece of crap anyway.
Edge: So your ship can't fire lasers, but it can blow itself up creating a black hole?
Crowe: Yes.
Edge: Sure, I'll buy that!
Crowe: Anyway, Edge, its time I made up for all my failures! Be sure to KICK THE CRAP out of whatever is in there! *Crowe flies off*
Edge: NO! CROWE! DON'T DO IT!
Crowe: Alright, Phantoms, its been a while, but in the word's of my generation...UP YOURS!!!!!!!!!
*Black Hole is created, Dragon and Phantom Ships get sucked in*
Edge: ...no, I said I wouldn't yell it ever again!
Reimi: Edge, its ok.  You can make an exception in this case.  We'll understand.
Edge: Well, in that case...CROOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bacchus: In any event, we have no time to lose.  I have sent co-ordinates to where the exact landing point is!

*flying over Nox Obscurus, in somewhat of a trench*
Edge: STAY ON TARGET!
Reimi: Our Shields have taken all we can!
Edge: STAY ON TARGET!
Bacchus: And the Calnus has received severe damage.  We cannot take anymore hits.
Edge: STAY ON TARGET!!!!
Arumat: Um...crap, here come lasers, and they're gonna direct hit us.  So...anybody a holy man? Cause I'm not, and I refuse to pray, being Death itself and all that.
*Lymle starts chanting and such*
Meracle: Huh? I didn't know you were into praying, Lymle.
*Random drawings glow*
Reimi: What? There's a weird barrier around us...its deflecting all our shots!
*Calnus rams into another Phantom ship head on! Takes no damage, Phantom ship is destroyed, you can see a barrier around it*
Lymle: Its ok, 'kay.  I saved us all!
Reimi: Wait, Lymle, you...did all that?
Lymle: My drawings, they saved us, 'kay.
Reimi: I thought they were just drawings...oh well...
Edge: STAY. ON. TARGET!!!
*Calnus smashes into Nox Obscurus, crash lands, etc*
Edge: Ugh...are we in heaven?
Arumat: Not with me around we are.
Bacchus: It would appear we have landed successfully on Nox Obscurus.
Edge: We made it...and its all thanks to you Lymle.
Lymle: Hee-hee.
Myuria: So this is Nox Obscurus? Is it just me, or do I get the feeling we're going to have do our equivalent of an overworld here before we enter the dungeon?
Bacchus: That is correct; the actual entrance is 50 miles away.
Myuria: ...we couldn't have crash landed closer, could we?
Edge: Anyway, lets build that transporter here so the Morphus can force their way in!
*they do so, the Morphus charge off and are never seen beyond a few on the "overworld"*
Arumat: Betting anything every single one of those guys are dead, making this damn thing completely useless.
Edge: Yeah, but at least we can leave!

*after traversing the barren wasteland, killing random phantoms, riding bubbles, harvesting, mining, dealing with ANTI MAGIC/SPECIAL ARTES FIELDS, what have you*
Edge: OH GOD THE WIND IS TOO STRONG!
Myuria: How do you suggest we get in there then?
Edge: WE BUST OUR WAY IN!
Meracle: Wait! It smells a little different over there!
Sarah: Really? What's it smell like?
Meracle: I don't know, but if we go, I'll know!
*they go, find a HUGE SPACE SHIP WING logged into the ground, conveniently blocking the wind*
Edge: Crowe...he saved us again...this time out of shear dumb luck.
Reimi: Crowe came through for us again...even in his death.
Edge: How...can I surpass him? I can't now that he's gone.  He's really gone, isn't he?
Reimi: He is...
Edge: NO! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! THERE'S NO REASON TO GO ON! WHAT...WHATAMIFIGHTINGFOR!!!
Reimi: *Smacks Edge* Damn it, this is no time for out of place badly voice acted angst!
Edge: Ow, sorry...anyway, lets head into this big odd infrastructure, shall we?

*Enter the Path of Creation*
Edge: So...time has stopped?
Bacchus: That would appear to be the case.
Reimi: So all we have to do is start it up again, right?
Myuria: And how do you suggest we do that?
Lymle: Lets touch that random crystal over there, 'kay?
Sarah: Now that won't wor-...
*time starts off, platform moves them to the door*
Sarah: Oh dear, I think I just got...what do you call it again? Owned?
*after starting time in other rooms, moving through random doors that make you jump over platforms, killing Lava Golems, Giant Apes, WEIRD SLIME CREATURES WITH TEETH THAT ARE IN EVERY STAR OCEAN, and grabbing a big snake staff along the way*
Sarah: Are we there yet?
Arumat; No.
Sarah: Are we there yet?
Arumat: No.
Sarah: Are we there yet?
Arumat: No.
Sarah: ...are we there yet now?
Arumat: Must...resist urge...to kill brain dead...girl...
Reimi: Hey look! A big ominous door that looks nothing like the others and is preceded by a Save Point! The music has also stopped and the place is called "Audience Chamber!"
Bacchus: I believe this is what many may call a "Point of No Return."
Myuria: In otherwords, one way in, no way out.
Edge: ITS TIME TO END THIS!

*team enters, sees a huge fucking guy in armor sitting on a chair*
Armored Guy: Greetings, mortals. I knew you'd be coming.  I am the Apostle of Creation, or just Apostle for short.
Edge: Die Monster, you don't belong in this world.
Apostle: It was not by my hand that I was once again given flesh, but by humans, who wished to pay me tribute!
Edge: Tribute!? YOU STEAL MEN'S SOULS! AND MAKE THEM YOUR SLAVES!
Apostle: The same can be said for all religions!
Edge: Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill need a savior such as you!
Apostle:  What is a man? Bah! A miserable pile of secrets! But enough talk, HAVE AT YOU!
*battle starts, team wins, afterwords...*
Apostle: *on the ground* Is that all? YOU GUYS ARE WEAK!
Edge: BUt we just won...and we're worn out...are you saying...
*Apostle gets up without a scratch*
Apostle: AHAHAH! ALL IS ONE! ONE IS ALL! I will make a new universe free from pain and discomfort! Join me!
Edge: No.
Apostle: Oh, that's too bad *blasts everyone*
Edge: Argh! You're not a Grigori, are you?
Bacchus: He's like them, except he has motives...he wishes to save us...by destroying us...he conflicts his own motives!
Lymle: Faize, stop that, 'kay.
Edge: Wait, what?
Apostle: So you figured it out, did you?
*takes mask off, Faize is underneath*
Faize: Yes, it is I, Faize! I'm surprised you of all people could figure it out, Lymle.
Lymle: I said that ugly cloak doesn't fit you, 'kay.
Edge: Wait! You're alive? And now you're...evil?
Faize: I AM NOT EVIL! I just SAW THE LIGHT!!!! ...and IT BURNS!!!
Edge: ...
Faize: It also gave me absolute power to protect my brethren...which I will use to destroy everything and create a perfect paradise!  Yes, that's the kind of power the Missing Procedure promises.
Edge: You're not making any sense...
Faize: DOn't you see? I CAN'T BE LIKE YOU! I WAS WEAK! I NEEDED POWER! I NEED MORE POWER!!!!
Edge: But we can save people!
Faize: No! Not everyone can be saved! Yes, we saved Sarah...BUT IN THAT SAME ROOM PEOPLE OF THE BLACK TRIBE WERE MURDERED! We failed to save them! We failed! DO YOU NOT SEE MY PAIN!? I'd cut myself, but I'm covered to head and toe in black armor.
Edge: NO! You're not the Faize I once knew!
Faize: QUIET! Besides, DON'T CALL ME FAIZE ANYMORE! I AM THE APOSTLE OF CREATION! THE ESSENCE OF ALL THAT IS EMO AND ANGST! THE WARRIOR OF PEACE AND TRANQUILITY!
Sarah: And a complete psychopath!
Faize: Yeah and...HEY! SHUT UP!
Edge: NO! You're not like this Faize! We'll fight you til the end if we must! But please, RECONSIDER!
Faize: NO! Now if you excuse me, I have to BLOW UP THE EARTH! By the way, I'm sending you all to another dimension.
Edge: Wait what?

*Team gets sent to another dimenison*
Edge: ...where are we?
Bacchus: I don't know.
Edge: BUt you know everything!
Bacchus: My sensors are all Blue Screening right now.  I'm afraid to say I'm completely useless here.
Edge: Um...shit...wait, what's that Light I see? Hey guys! Lets go to the light!
Arumat: What light?
Myuria: I think you're seeing things.
Edge: Can't you see it!? ITS RIGHT THERE! ...oh hey, my crest is glowing...but follow me guys! I'm sure its the way out!
Meracle: Well, its not like anything can go wro-...
*All the Grigori from the past start showing up for each wrong turn they take*
Edge: Ok, no! THIS IS NOT A MEGA MAN GAME! I don't care how much Bacchus resembles him!
Reimi: Quit your whining and just kill them again!
*team gets tired out*
Edge: We're almost...there...just 700...more...miles...
Reimi: Edge...we can't see anything...you're the only one.
Edge: REally? ITS RIGHT...there...NO! DON'T DISAPPEAR!
Faize: Mwahahah! What's the matter, EDGE MAVERICK?  You're all alone now! Now, OPEN YOUR HEART TO DARKNESS!!! SUBMIT!!! and you will be given eternal peace and happiness!
Edge: ...BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Faize: ...what's so funny?
Edge: Me! That's what! I almost bought into it...but then I remembered Kingdom Hearts and...
Faize: ...
Edge: Kingdom Hearts...IS LIGHT!!!!! (...of life)
Faize: WHAT!?
Edge: Yeah! And with that, we can build a universe based on natural evolution, and no one is going to have to die! Sorry Faize, but now that I can see the light, YOU LOSE!
Faize: Ok, that has nothing to do with anything...
Edge: Cause...CUE A SAPPY SCENE WITH A BUNCH OF NPCs NOW!
*Edge meets up with Commander Grafton, Lymle's Grandpa, Eleyna, Gaghan, Klaus, Heinz, Commander Kenny, Crowe, Faize, who all say something WITHOUT VOICE ACTING*
Faize: No! Not that sappiness! I cannot resist that! But that's not going to be enough to beat me, YOU'RE STILL STUCK!
Edge: Yeah, well, I'M OUT OF YOUR DIMENSION NOW!
Faize: ...oh...shit...
Edge: Anyway, FAIZE, you read to fight!
Faize: Don't...call...me...FAIZE!
Lymle: We'll keep calling you it over and over and over again! Faize! Faize! Faize! Faize!
Faize: NO! STOP IT! DON'T CALL ME...
Lymle: FAIZE!!!!
Faize: GRAH!!!! That does it, you've forced me to use my trump card!
*Faize turns into a huge half robotic, half angelic, transvestite thing*
Edge: Faize, you're my friend, and its because you're my friend I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KILL YOU!
Lymle: Burn, TRAITOR!!! 'kay.

*one really long, stupid, boss fight later, involving a gimmick that isn't too stupid, but its followed by a high offense 8 MILLION HP freak of nature that has nearly undodgable moves*
Edge: You...are...such...a prick...I mean, geez, did you REALLY need to have 8 Million HP?
Faize: *is back to normal* Looks like I lose, huh? *Collapses on the floor*
Edge: Faize No!
*Edge runs over to Faize*
Edge: Crowe risked his life for me...and now you too...I should have saved you.  I should have been the one to FILL YOUR DARK SOUL WITH LIIIIIIIIiiiiiIIIIIGHT!!!! LIIIIiiiiiIIGHT!!! liiiight, light...
Faize: ...I'm not dead yet...
Edge: Oh, shit, so I just wasted melodrama for nothing?
Faize: Pretty much, heh.
Lymle: Faize, you're ok now, 'kay.
Faize: Lymle, thank you, I didn't think you of all people would figure me out.
Lymle: Faize, I lied to you, 'kay.  That cloak looked...kinda...okay, 'kay?
Faize: That makes me feel kind of happy to hear!
Bacchus: bad news, THIS ENTIRE PLANET IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE! It seems Mr. Faize was a Load Baring Boss.
Reimi: Lets get out of here then!
Edge: You heard her! Lymle, get going, Faize, I'm carrying you...slowly...so we can have a man to man talk.
Faize: OK.

*Lymle almost falls down a collapsing floor, GETS SAVED BY BACCHUS THOUGH!*
Faize: Edge...where did I go wrong? I just wanted to be strong like you!
Edge: And you still can! You just gotta KEEP MOVING FORWARD WITH YOUR OWN FEET!
Faize: SO THAT'S where I went wrong! I was basically moving forward on a scooter instead, using that power that was given to me!
Edge: Yeah, pretty much!
Faize: That's not very encouraging, Edge...
Edge: Well, you DID just try to kill me...
Faize: ...touche...
Arumat: So how are we getting out of here? All the exits are blocked by HUGE PITS!
Myuria: While your pessimism isn't appreciated...I can't help but agree.
*Random seal appears out of nowhere*
Meracle: Meow, what's that!
Myuria: Oh! A transportation circle!
Reimi: Sweet Deus Ex Machina how I love you!
Gioto: Quickly, get over here now!
Myuria: Wait, I thought we COULDN'T make them here?
Giotto: Oh, now that Nox Obscurus is going haywire, its power is gone, so we in fact can do it now!
Myuria: Isn't that a little too...convenient?
Giotto:Y es, but we have to get you out of here somehow.
Reimi: Wait, where's Edge? *looks over, Edge is holding onto Faize*
Reimi: Edge! NO! I MUST GO RESCUE HIM!
*she jumps down a pit, getting her self into trouble even though Edge himself wasn't in much trouble*
Reimi: Edge!!!!
Sarah: I GOT YOU!!! *she's flying*
Reimi: LET ME GO! I NEED TO GET TO EDGE! EVEN IF IT MEANS I WILL DIE!
Sarah: I can't let you go! Not now!
*They get back to the circle*
Lymle: Edgie, Faize, get over here, 'kay?
Reimi: LET ME GO! NO! EDGE! EDGE! EDGE!!!!!!!!
Edge: Faize...I won't let go...don't worry! You won't be weak, you'll be strong, just like me!
Faize: I'm sorry, Edge, it looks like this is the end!  I guess I have to end this Titanic like sequence in a very titanic like way.  Good bye, my friend! *he lets go*
Edge: FAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Reimi: EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Edge: I...*looks at everyone, nods to Giotto*
Giotto: Very well...good bye *transportation circle goes*
Reimi: NO! EDGE! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!! EDDDDDGGggggeee.....
Edge: Welp, time to follow Faize down this pit!
*Edge does exactly that, starts falling towards the light*

*one year later*
Kenni: And so, we will now make an under developed planet act!  Yes, that's right, we won't interfere with underdeveloped planets.  As a result, my own descendant will not accidentally use a Phaser Gun in front of a long eared Blue Haired Girl, saving her from a giant winged ape, and thereby be considered a Hero of Light!  Nope, this definitely will not happen, because of this pact!  Oh yeah, the people who came up with this idea? THEY ARE NAMELESS HEROES!!!
*Reimi is watching, smiles and walks away, we see a silouhette of Edge!*

*shift back one year, right after destruction of Nox Obscurus, Faize's Sol is seen headed towards Kenni's ship, the team runs out to see who it is, with Reimi up front*
Edge: Uh, hi...guys...yeah, I'm sort of not actually dead...
Reimi: EDGE YOU JERK! *mallets him* YOU HAD ME SO WORRIED ;_;
Edge's Mind: Maybe I SHOULD have actually died...
Kenni: Well, thanks to you, Mr. Maverick, we can now explore UNDERDEVELOPED PLANETS!
Gaghan: Yes, we Eldarians will move to Lemuris.  Conveniently, Eldarian Lore speaks of a paradise called Lemuria, and its located exactly where Lemuris is suppose to be! Oh yeah, the people on that planet are supposedly the same exact race as us, just apparently not genetically created in labs, so they can teach us about your MATING WAYS!
Kenni: Yes, and we are now allies with En II!  So, will you join us, Mr. Maverick?
Edge: FUCK NO!
Kenni: Huh? WHY NOT!?
Edge: Cause that'll just be like the Grigori!  Giving them things they shouldn't have, forcing them down a path of evolution they aren't suppose to go! ITS MADNESS!
Kenni: Madness? THIS IS THE USTA!!!!
Edge: YEah, well, I stand by my beliefs!  And you Eldarians are not better!
Gaghan: Ok, so what if we colonize the planet but COMPLETELY DROP ALL OUR TECHNOLOGY!?  WE'd just be assimilating into our own brethren then!
Edge: ...oh, that would be fine.
Giotto: YEs, and En II will LIVE IN THE SHADOWS STILL, keeping an eye on the Missing Procedure!
Edge: That works too!
Kenni: I...guess I can't win this one.  Alright, I'll tell them we can't use Eldarian Technology from here on in!
Reimi: You did it, Edge!

*shift one year, to S.D. 12*
Kenni: I'm the PRESIDENT now, and I must go speak to these heroes!   Ah, Mr. Edge Maverick, you are hearbye Captain of the Earth Galactic Transporation Unit!
Edge: SIR!!!
Kenni: And Miss Reimi Saionji, you are now First Officer!
Reimi: Sir!
Kenni: I'm sorry to be so formal, but you know how things are?  Also, its these uniforms, though I have to say, aren't they really styling?
Edge: I'm still use to wearing all that SPACE ARMOR, to be honest...
Kenni: Anyway, the ship you'll be piloting is over there!  And the guy who made it...
*some guy who looks EXACTLY LIKE KLAUS walks in*
Edge: KLAUS!?!?!?!?
Guy: Who? no, My name is Trillias! Trillias Bachtein.  I was the guy who built your ship!  I'm very proud of it!
Edge: Ah, cool, thanks! We'll take good care of it!
Trillias: I was the guy who implemented Eldarian Technology into our ships in the first place!  Though to be honest, I want to SURPASS THEM! I share your sentiments exactly Edge.  We shouldn't EVOLVE!!!! with the help of others.  I hope to someday...and by hope I MEAN I WILL, create a warp drive better than the Eldarian's! What kind of scientist would take technology handed to them on a SILVER PLATTER!?
Edge: Huh? That sounds familiar!
*shift back to Alternate Earth*
Klaus: What kind of scientist would accept technology just handed to them ON A SILVER PLATTER!?
*shift back*
Edge: Wow! You're exactly like that other guy in everyway!
Trillias: Who?
Reimi: *smacks Edge* DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT!
Edge: Ow! Sorry! Anyway, I guess we'll be heading off!
Kenni: Good luck you too...AND GOD SPEED!!!

*on the ship*
Edge: So this is the first ship I actually earned, huh?
Reimi: Yeah, feels good doesn't it?
Edge: Yeah, better than just sort of falling into the captain's seat.  Isn't that right, CALNUS!?
Reimi: You named the ship the same thing as the previous one?
Edge: Uh, yeah? I was never the most creative at naming things...
Reimi: You weren't!
Edge: So, Reimi, you ready?
Reimi: Yeah.  So long as I'm with you, I'LL ALWAYS BE READY!  Even if you tell me to leave, I won't! I want to be with you...FOREVER EDGE! AND EVER AND EVER!
Edge: Good.  Now lets get going. Lets head off into that STAR OCEAN!!!!!

THE END!!!!

EPILOGUE!

Kenni: Being the neutral pure fanservice guy whose suppose to be totally likable, I figure now would be a good time to ask you each one thing.  How do you feel YOU developed in this game!?

Edge: Well, I started off SHoot First, Ask Questions later...then I went into a massive angst mode...then I got better, and now I'm all heroic and stuff! I feel pretty good!
Reimi: I started the game as a token best friend stereotype and...well, I ended up Edge's lover!  So I'm still a stereotype!
Faize: Well, I started off Mr. perfect, and suddenly became the most emo guy alive and now probably gained the hate of everyone around me.  Are you really shocked that I committed suicide in the game's ending?
Lymle: I'm cute, 'kay.  I also still don't like Faize much, 'kay.
Edge: Ouch, BURN!
Bacchus: I'm just a robot.  Do you really think I could develop much?  I exist to say smart things that no one understands, but the entire cast pretended to understand me.
Meracle: Meow, I'm hungry.  I never got anything to eat...*eyes Sarah again*
Myuria: Well, I guess I...stopped...hating...Crowe.  That's something, right? 
Arumat: Yeah, you were a bitch at the beginning and still are one.
Myuria: And you're a complete jack ass all the same.
Arumat: Yeah, but at least I don't pretend to be anything but that.  After all, I AM DEATH ITSELF!
Sarah: I...don't know what this character development thing is suppose to be.  Is that like fighting or something?
Meracle: Meow, come on Lymle, we have a lot of explaining to do to Sarah.
Lymle: Ok, come here Sarrie!

Kenni: I...don't think they quite understood the point of this exercise...say, Bacchus was it?  What's the final read outs about this general experience?
Bacchus: Calculations estimate it is somewhere in the 70% range, but hard to be exact.
Kenni: Ah, could be far worse then!

[Clear Tranquil]

Bumping for easy access >_>

I got as far as EnII before deciding to restart due to XBox problems. Those are fixxed now but it turned out I somehow managed to corrupt my profile so actually it was more a matter of having to make a new one and restart SO4 than deciding on it!

*restarts this from the begining*

[Meeplelard]

Alright, turning this topic into a general "Meeple Abridged series" topic, cause I have another one in store and would like to keep these in tact somewhere that's easy to access rather than going through various topics so...yeah.

So lets export the first one!

Godzilla Final Wars as done by the cast of FF7:

*Intro shows Bahamut Zero getting owned by missiles and shot down into an ice berg, shift to modern times*
Narrator: Humans have caused shit to the world due to Mako.  Because of this, mutants have appeared...they are SOLDIER.  But they've adapted, and joined with SOLDIER to make the Earth Defense Force!  However, WEAPONs and shit exist, and need stopping.
Random Shinra Grunt: LEVIATHAN IS ATTACKING!
Barret: FIRE THE LASERS!!!
*Leviathan gets frozen, then drilled*
Random Grunt: Leviathan is beaten, but our ship is nearly destroyed!
Barret: There aint no getting off this train we're on!
Scarlet: *Appears on screen* Good work killing the guy, ubt you cost us millions! We'll have your ass back at base.
Barret: ^%*@, I just saved us all!
*shift to random training simulator, Cloud and Zack are fighting, Zack wins*
Zack: Man, Cloud, you can't keep holding back like that!
Cloud: Sorry, but I can't just get my fighting spirit up.
Zack: You'd be dead if this were a real fight, just let go once in a while!
*Angeal walks in*
Angeal: But Zack, know that there's no problem in holding back.  To some degree, Cloud is right!  Anyway, Cloud, you're needed in the director's room.
Zack: Catch ya later, Cloud!
*Director's room*
Scarlet: Aha, good, you're here!  I'm having you on body guard duty to protect this scientist!
Cloud: Not interested.
Scarlet: Shut up! You're doing it!
Cloud: Fine, where is this nerdy guy with glasses?
Tifa: I'm right here (Meeple Note: Yes, Tifa is a scientist here, and you can all shut up)
Cloud: ...she's a scientist? She looks more like a model! *Actual line of dialog from the character in question*
Tifa: I'll pretend I didn't hear that...
*Shift to movie scene*
Yuffie: So, Mr. Rufus, you say Shinra will keep the world safe from WEAPON?
Rufus: Yes, that's right! Now if you excuse me, I have to go in my luxury Helicopter!  Oh yeah, tell Dark Nation, my dog, that I said hi, I haven't seen him in a while.
Yuffie: ...right....
*shift to lab*
Tifa: I have discovered that all SOLDIER recipients are so strong cause they have these J-Cells.
Cloud: What's that got to do with me?
Tifa: You're one of them, right?
Cloud: ...oh, yeah...
Cid: Ah, you're here, ^@^*^, ok, we found this ^*^@*&^@ monster and we need you to analyze it!
Tifa: ...it also has J-Cells, but what is it?
Cid: ^*^@ if I know!
Cloud: I don't see why I have to help...*starts going into a Cloud mental break down* Ah crap, not again with the crazy time...
Tifa: Its not just you Cloud, I'm seeing it tool
Cid: ^*@^ is this ^@*^@?
Aerith: That monster is Jenova!  If it awakens, it'll destroy the world again!
Cloud: O...k...
Aerith: And you have some of her in you!
Cloud: SO I'm evil?
Aerith: Technically...yes...but fear not! You have the power to choose which way you will go! Now take this Materia!
Cid: What the ^*^@( was that?
*shift to Helicopter*
Rufus: Man, being President is awesome!
*Ultimate WEAPON appears, blows up Helicopter*
Rufus: ...not again...
*Ultimate WEAPON attacks Junon, starts blowing shit up*
*Diamond WEAPON attacks Corel, blows more shit up*
*Emerald WEAPON attacks Wutai, shit gets blown up*
*Ruby WEAPON attacks Costa Del Sol, things die*
*Sapphire WEAPON attacks Kalm*
Angeal: OK, Troops! Your goal is to kick the shit out of Sapphire WEAPON! Got that? Good! I'm gonna sit on the side lines and watch.
Zack: Ok everyone, lets go beat some giant monster ass!
*they kick Sapphire WEAPON's ass*
Zack: Man I'm awesome!
Cloud's mind: I wish I was that good...
*The other WEAPONs spontaneously disappear, giant floating fortress appears*
Scarlet: What the hell is going on?
*Rufus appears*
Rufus: Hey, I'm alive! Oh yeah, these guys come in peace, here, you all come with me *points to Scarlet and Heiddeggar*
Hojo: AH, yes, you've arrived! I'll keep things brief; we're aliens who are in no way associated with Jenova, right guys?
Tsviets: Hail Weiss!
Hojo: See?  Anyway, your planet is screwed by Meteor coming down in 489 days...but team up with us and we insure survival, right son?
Sephiroth: It'll bring you despair...
Hojo: Anyway, do we have a deal?
Scarlet: Clearly you have no alternative motives, lets go!
*shift*
Cloud: ...I don't trust these guys.
Tifa: You're paranoid, where's your proof?
Yuffie: I have proof! You know Rufus? He doesn't blink!
Tifa: That's a physical impossibility! Go tell Scarlet this now Cloud!
*Scarlet's office*
Cloud: Rufus is acting strange, he should be watched.
SCarlet: I know, now leave.
Cloud: Ok.
*Shift*
Cloud: Scarlet is clearly taken over by the aliens too.
Tifa: So...who can we trust here?
Cloud: I know one person!
*Cloud busts into Barret's jail cell*
Barret: What does your spikey haired ass want?
Cloud: How would you like to help expose Shinra for the liars they are, and blow up those Aliens?
Barret: Now you're speaking my language!
*shift to TV conference*
Scarlet: Oh, Tifa, you're acting suspicious...
Tifa: Screw this, guys come out!
*Cloud and Barret beat the shit out of Scarlet, expose her as being the fake thing*
Barret: ****, what is she?
Cloud: Well, this is all the proof we need, lets go.
Yuffie: So...Rufus...about this dog...
Rufus: ...I don't recognize it...
Yuffie: Really?
Rufus: ...wait, its my dog, isn't it!?
Yuffie: WHAT'S HIS NAME!?
Hojo: Oh, Rufus is stressed out, he forgot! Tell him his name for him!
Yuffie: ...Dark Nation...
Rufus; Ah! Dark Nation, good to see you!
Yuffie: I lied! Its name is actually Nanaki! This isn't your dog! YOU'RE NOT REALLY HIM!
Fake Rufus: It seems I have been found out, but what are you going to...
Barret: Die foo! *shoots Rufus in the face, he turns into an alien, everyone freaks*
Hojo: Wait !I can explain!
Sephiroth: ...you know, if you just unleashed all the monsters like I told you originally, we'd already take over this world and be gods *kills Hojo on the spot* Ok, now I'm taking over as leader! You guys stand no chance!
Barret: I wouldn't say that! *summons all of SOLDIER*
Sephiroth: Intriguing...come out Tsviets! *Tsviets appear*
Barret: Foo, you're outnumbered!
Sephiroth: Awaken, all of you!
*All of SOLDIER attacks the group...except Cloud and Angeal*
Cloud: SEPHIROTH!!! *charges, gets his ass kicked*
Angeal: All of you, run! Barret, take care of all of them! I'll hold them off, get going!
Barret: You heard the man!
Sephiroth: Lets bring them all despair.  Send down every freaking monster we got and destroy everything!
Tsviets: Hail Weiss!
Sephiroth: ...close enough...
*Monsters destroy pretty much entire world*
Cid: @^*@^ hell, what the ^*@^* we going to do *^(^ now?
Barret: We'll use the Highwind, its still around!  As is a few members of Avalanche! We'll take on everyone that way!
Yuffie: Yay!
Cloud: ...we're being followed *sees Zack chasing them on a motorcycle*  I'll handle this! *gets on motorcycle himself, big action Motorcycle fight ensues, Cloud beats Zack*
(Yes, a huge motorcycle fight actually happens...in a FREAKING GODZILLA MOVIE)
Zack: ...kill...me...Cloud...before...I do...more harm...
Cloud: No...you're a friend *grabs Zack and drags him off*
*They board the Highwind*
Barret: Ok, I got this crazy idea.  We'll SUMMON BAHAMUT ZERO!
Cid: ^*^(, that'll destroy us all!
Barret: *@^), Sephiroth will do that anyway!
Cid: ^*@^, but what if Bahamut Zero gets controlled?
Tifa: Well, see, Bahamut Zero is different cause he lacks the J-Cells like the other monsters do, so Sephiroth can't control him! Of course, once he kills everything, we're fucked.
Cid: So we release that ^*@^ freak, !&@% blows things up, and then we ^(^* rid of him somehow?
Barret: Yes.
Cid: ...lets do it!
Yuffie: Oh, I'm staying behind and taking pictures, just as souveneirs, later!
*they go to Northern Crater*
Reno: Man, the world's screwed.
Rude: Hmm...
Reno: ...say, is that the highwind?
Rude: Impossible, what would they want out here?
*Sephiroth's chamber*
Sephiroth: Mother...it seems the fools have a trick up their sleeve...go dispose of them!
*Jenova is released on the Highwind*
Barret: WAKE UP ^*@^! *They missile Bahamut Zero, he awakens*
*Jenova and Bahamut fight, Bahamut kicks the shit out of Jenova*
Sephiroth: WHAT!? HOW COULD MOTHER BE DEFEATED!?
Barret: You didn't know two things about us! One is me, the other is Bahamut! *Actual line of dialog, without obvious adjustments*
Barret: NOW GET US OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE KILLS US!
*Bahamut chases the Highwind to points where Emerald WEAPON is, Bahamut kicks his ass.  Then Materia Keeper appears...dies horribly.  Then Schizo appears...also gets his ass kicked*
Sephiroth: NO! How could he be that strong?
Tsviets: Hail Weiss!
Sephiroth: Shut up and send more monsters! RETURN THEM TO THE PROMISED LAND!
*Diamond, Ultimate and Ruby WEAPON all appear at once.  After a big fight, Bahamut comes out ahead*
Sephiroth: ...a worthy foe indeed.
*on the Highwind*
Barret: Alright, BLOW A HOLE INTO THAT SHIP! *laser blocks it* *^*@, what are we going to do?
Cloud: ...a fighter jet is leaving the hanger.
Zack: Hey, Sorry Cloud, but I gotta do this; I have faith in you, good luck! *Zack suicides on the things core, taking down the shield.*
Cloud: ...good bye...Zack...
*They bust in*
Cloud: Oh, Tifa, hold onto this Materia...just in case shit goes wrong.
*In Temple of the Ancients*
Aerith: Oh, mighty Phoenix, please arise! We need your help!
*Phoenix appears, flies off*
*Bahamut beats the shit out of Guard Scorpion and Sapphire WEAPON...even though Sapphire WEAPON was defeated earlier*
Sephiroth: No more games.  Go get them, Omega!!
*Omega appears on Bahamut, the two start fighting*
Sephiroth: Oh, yeah, Mother's not dead yet! *Sephiroth summons Jenova Synthesis*
*On highwind*
Cid: Alright, lets get those *^^@-...
*Tsviets appear*
Tsviets: Hail Weiss! *kill all the useless Avalanche members*
Tifa: ...should have seen that coming...
Cloud: SEPHIROTH! What do you want?
Sephiroth: I need you alive, for the sake of the Lifestream! Now come to my chambers!
*Sephiroth's chamber*
Sephiroth: In short, you are all nothing but puppets! We will take advantage of you, and all of SOLDIER were just descendants of Mother and myself! ...except you Cloud, you're a reject and thus completely useless...yet you have hidden potential...AWAKEN!!!
*back to the Monster brawl, Phoenix arrives on the scene, but Jenova Synthesis knocks it around some, then attacks Bahamut.  Bahamut fights off both Omega and Jenova Synthesis, starts losing, Phoenix then comes in, kamikaze's Jenova, both die*
Sephiroth: It's only a matter of time before Omega returns this planet to the lifestream, and I shall ascend!  Oh yeha, Cloud, kill them all.
Cloud: Yes, master...
Tifa: No! Cloud! What are you doing! Wait! *shoves Materia in his back* REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!
Cloud: ...I was controlled, wasn't I?
Tifa: YOu were.
Cloud: ...I'm kicking Sephiroth's ass.  All of you get out of here while you can!
Tsviets: Hail Weiss! *start shooting at everyone...only to get blasts deflected*
Rufus: Ok, Scarlet! Heiddegar, you know what to do!
Tifa: You mean you gusy are alive?
Rufus: Yeah, we all escaped cause I said so.  My political power is just THAT GOOD.
Barret: Well *^(^, lets get off this train before it crashes! (He actually has a line similar to that)
*Tsviets pursue, Barret kicks the shit out of two of them single handedly while the other 5 run into a bunch of SOLDIERS, which they barely hold off*
*Cloud gets his ass kicked by Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: A fool like you who wallows in despair could never defeat me...you are merely a puppet!
Cloud: No, NOT ANYMORE!!! *Cloud glows Limit Break style*
Sephiroth: ...oh poo poo
*Omnislash, everyone escapes due to various DEMs*
*Omega reveals his true form...TIAMAT! Tiamat beats the shit out of Bahamut some*
Tifa; Oh no! Tiamat is draining Bahamut's Lifeforce! We must feed him the lifestream!
Cloud: ...Lifestream...hmm....*Fires a huge fucking beam at Bahamut, Bahamut kicks the shit out of Tiamat, then attacks the Highwind*
Barret: ^*@), everyone get out of here!
*Bahamut is about to attack, but Bahamut Jr. appears and has him stop, the two leave*
Cloud: Well, we won, but at what cost?

[Meeplelard]

Aria of Sorrow in a Nutshell:

Soma: Time to meet my female friend during this Solar Eclipse in a temple and...wait, where the fuck am I?
Arikado: Right on Time, welcome to the Time Rift Castle of Dracula!  Oh yeah, I'm definitely NOT Alucard! (Phew, for a second there, I think he might have figured me out, good thing I dyed my hair black!)
Mina: Oh no! How are we getting out of here.
Soma: Wait, I seem to have these awesome powers, maybe I can use that to explore!
Yoko: You use Dark Powers! ...yes, I said they're dark, NOT EVIL, see? There's a difference! Just don't get eaten by them.
Graham: Hi, I'm this scientist dude who wants power!  Oh, I'll be ni-...wait, you have power? NOW I WILL BE EVIL AND EAT YOUR SOUL!  Also, I will become Dracula.
J: I'm just some guy stuck here who lost his memories...though, its clear I'm related Dracula's death somehow...
Soma: Man, I have no clue what's going on anymore...
Arikado: Don't worry, stuff will make sense soon enough!
Soma: Seriously?
Yoko: No, it won't; he's just trying not to be cynical for once.
Soma: Damn.
J: HA! I remember who I am! I am...JULIUS BELMONT!!  Which of course means I kicked Dracula's ass, sealed him in another dimension, and did it with a whip.  Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to get this whip!  Oh yeah, that guy Graham is evil, but everyone else already told you that.
Soma: Ok, so Graham's my enemy, time to go kick his ass!
Death: I'm just in this to be an obligatory plotless boss so I can be here, like I am in most Castlevanias!
*Soma reaches Garaham*
Soma: Die Monster, you don't belong in this world!
Graham: It was not by my-...wait, no, we are NOT spoofing out own damn series!
Soma: Ok, whatever, can we just fight so you can die and thus preventing Dracula's ressurection.
Graham: OK.
*Graham dies*
Soma: Wait...the fuck? I'M DRACULA!? This is heavy...
Arikado: Great Scott! Ok, let me explain.  yes, I knew you were Dracula, and I didn't want you to come here...but you came by accident...cause its destiny.  Basically, I kept you here cause your powers would revive regardless, but so long as you're here, I can use my powers to ward off Dracula!  Why do I care about you? ...
Soma: So...what do I do?
Arikado: Just go to the Chaos Realm and fight your INNER DEMONS, and you should be fine.
Soma: Ok, but wait, wasn't there a Bel-...
Julius: AHA! Now I know you're Dracula! EAT WHIP YOU VILE MONSTER!
Soma: OUCH! That hurt! I'm not evil yet damn it...though I am feeling different...BUT THAT'S NOT THE SAME! To prove it, I will go beat my inner demons!
Julius: FINE! But I'm so killing you if you turn evil.
Soma: Noted!
*Soma kills his inner chaos demons and stuff*
Mina: Ooh! Castlevania's exploding! I'm sure this has never happened before like in every other game in the series!
Soma: So I'm the hero? Ok, now to go back to my mundane life of...say, what is it I did anyway?  Whatever, I'm sure my adventures are done!
Arikado: On the contrary, you still have a sequel to take part in on the DS!
Soma: ...great...

[Meeplelard]

I know its not finished yet, but we're starting another WGAYP topic, so I figured I might as well place the 2 episodes here!

Onimusha 3: Abridged.

NOTE: I don't remember some of the names from characters in the intro, so I'm just gonna use generic titles for them.

*in Warring States Japan, Zombie Skeleton Demons and Samurai Ninjas are fighting.  Yes, you read that right.*
Samurai Commander: Alright, guys, our mission is to attack Nobunaga head on and kill him! And by our, I mean yours, Samonosuke.
Samonosuke: Why me?
Commander: Because you're the main character, you were in the first game, and you have all this awesome magical bullshit that renders the rest of us completely worthless.
Samonosuke: ...eh, good enough.
*Samonosuke charges in, kicks the crap out of a bunch of Zombie Skeleton Demons with magical swords and such*
Samonosuke: Man, those GENMA!!! are wimps.  That, or I'm just awesome.
*he reaches Nobunaga's room*
Nobunaga: Aha, so you're here, SAMONOSUKE!
Samonosuke: Die monster, you don't belong in this world!
Nobunaga: THIS IS DELICIOUS!!!
Samonosuke: ...ok, I'm not sure how to take it from here, so why not lets just fight?
Nobunaga: Sure!  And by "Sure" I mean GET HIM RANMARU!
*Random 14 year old bishie boy appears*
Ranmaru: FOR NOBUNAGA!!!!!!!!!
*Samonoskuke kicks his ass*
Ranmaru: Damn your magical bullshit! *dies*
Nobunaga: Uh, shit, well, um, you see, how about we have a truce?
Samonosuke: No, now I shall take off your...
*random black sphere of DOOM!!! appears on Samonosuke, he disappears*
Nobunaga: ...what the fuck just happened?  Seriously, I control an army of ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS and I have no clue.

*Meanwhile, in modern Paris, France*
NOTE: If a line is in Itallics, it is spoken in french, thus to illustrate when characters can't understand each other.
Jacques: Ah, smoking on a mundane day like this.  Nothing can go wrong here!
*gets a call*
French Guy:Jacques, we need you here, come down here will you?
Jacques: Wonder what that could be about?
*random magical bullshit*
Jacques: I'm sure that's nothing to worry about!
*scene shift*
French Guy: OH CRAP! WE'RE DYING CAUSE OUR GUNS DON'T WORK ON ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS!
*Jacques heroically rides in on a motorcycle, guns down a bunch of demons*
Jacques: Too easy! *runs out of ammo, random french expletive is stated*
*Black Sphere of doom appears in a near alley way*
Samonosuke: ...ok, where am I? *sees a Zombie Skeleton Demon* A Genma? I MUST PURSUE IT AND-...wait, where did my awesome swords go? FUCK! All I have is this dinky katana, a generic bow, and this GAUNTLET OF MYSTICALNESS?  *sigh* Looks like I've been struck with *zoom up* SEQUELITIS!  Anyway, about those GENMA...
Jacques: Ok, this isn't good.  We're cornered, I'm out of ammo, and I'm not Dante so being awesome with a motorcycle is out of the question...
French Guy: Face it, we're doomed.
Samonosuke: VILE DEMONS HAVE AT THEE!!!! *kills the Genma*
Jacques: Who is this guy? Why does he look different? And... *Black sphere of Magical Bullshit swallows both Jacques and French Guy*
Samonosuke: ...ok, seriously, as someone who fights this magical nonsense on a regular basis, I still have no clue what's going on...but there's Genma around and I should just go deal with them.  Maybe I can figure out where the hell I am in the process!
*Samonosuke runs around slaughtering demons until...*
French Woman: You there! Dressed in your odd attire!  Put your hands up!
Samonosuke: ...what is this demon speak you are saying?
French Woman: Do you understand me?
Samonosuke: No, no I do not.
French Woman: Oh ok and...wait, how did you know the answer to that if you didn't?  Wait, how did I know what you said if I can't understand you?
Samonosuke: ...
French Woman: ...
Samonosuke: ...
French Woman: ...
Samonosuke: ...
French Woman: ...
Samonosuke: ...
French Woman: ...
Samonosuke: Yeah, I'm...gonna sort of go now before explosions and such happen from demons.
French Woman: Wait! Where are you going? Get back here before I... *Demons attack, killing her men*
Samonosuke: That's my cue to KICK ASS! *he does so*  Now, about figuring out where I am...*his gauntlet causes a FRENCH MONUMENT to open up to a Japanese Artifact, giving him a magical twin sword* ...well, that's a surprise, at least now I'm not using this Dinky Katana anymore!
French Woman: Screw it, I'm leaving.
Samonosuke: Now, to find out where I am! *he climbs up a random tower* Damn, the architecture of this place makes no sense, I'm going to assume I'm in China.  Yeah, China sounds about right.
*some guy who will be referred to as Skeletor until a proper name comes up appears*
Skeletor: Ah, Heman Samonosuke! Long time no see!
Samonosuke: Its you!  whose...name I've forgotten...stop sending Genma or something, they're annoying.
Skeletor: Oh, sure, I'll stop.
Samonosuke: Really?  Well, that was easy.
Skeletor: Instead I'll send this DEMON WITH MOUNTED MACHINE GUNS AT YOU!
Samonsuke: What's a "machine gun"? *said demon appears* ...I wish I didn't ask...
*Samonosuke fights and wins victoriously! He then pursues french woman*

*meanwhile, back in Warring States Japan...sometime BEFORE Samonosuke teleported away...its best not to think about it...*
French Guy: Man, I'm going to die.  I could have died in any one elses arms, but why did it have to be YOU!?
Jacques:Oh just stop whining...anyway, I best figure out where I am.  I don't think we're in Kansas Paris anymore! *Jacques looks at his arm* ...ok, now I have this freaky gauntlet attached to my arm, where did THAT come from?  Screw it, I'm exploring!

*He explores and sees HIS SON HENRI attacked by a demon*

Jacques: Henri! No! I must save you! Uhh...uhh...crap, I'm out of ammo, what the hell can I do? *Laser Whip appears in his hand* What the hell is this thing?  Well, I might as well use it! *kills Demon with the whip*  Henri are you alright? *Henri disappears* An illusion? WHAT MADESS IT THIS!?
Mystical Spirit: You are a chosen one! That was a test to get you your weapon out! You will have to join with the other one whose in your time to vanquish the evil and save the world!
Jacques: What?
Mystical Spirit: You don't understand me, do you?
Jacques: ?
Mystical Spirit: ...AKO! GET YOUR ASS HERE AND TRANSLATE!
*little crow demon girl appears*
Ako: Aha! Here I am! And now that I'm here, I'll give you the power to SPEAK ENGLISH!
Jacques: Wow, I understand-...wait, how the fuck am I speaking English? And where the hell did my french accent go?
Ako: That's my power!  Oh, you're in Warring States Era Japan!
Jacques: I...see...and I take it those demons have something to do with it?
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: And you're a fairy like creature that lets me speak English?
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: ...despite how you're from Japan?
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: ...and you help me speak English?
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: ...and we're in JAPAN, right?
Ako: We've established that already, what's your point?
Jacques: Shouldn't you like, I dunno, make me speak Japanese by all logic?
Ako: Oh shut up and just continue on your quest.  I'll even help you out only so you can speak to everyone you meet along the way.
Jacques: Ok...fine...
*the two travel, run into a samurai fighting demons*
Samurai: Stupid Genma, DIE!
Jacques: Looks like you could use a hand *whips them to death* This weapon is weird...
Samurai: Ah, many thanks.  My name is Samonosuke! 
Ako: Psst, Jacques, just so you know, that's the guy who you traded places in the future.
Jacques: So...this is the guy I traded places with...and he's standing right there...
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: And he's currently in the future too?
Ako: Yep!  But this is his younger self!
Jacques: And the one in the future didn't recognize me at all and seemed to have no clue what was going on.
Ako: Yes!
Jacques: ...please, someone, wake me from this dream!
Samonosuke: Might I ask why you have a MAGICAL ONI GAUNTLET like I do?
Jacques: Beats me, I woke up with this thing on.
Samonosuke: I see...well, if you have it, it means I can trust you!  Now I have a dickish general to kick the ass of.
Jacques: Should I help him?
Ako: Yes, cause beating him will lead you back home!
Jacques: Ok.

*the two cut swath across demons, Jacques eventually gets an Ivy-like WHIP SWORD and becomes more awesome*
Jacques: So, whose this guy we're killing?
Samonosuke: Nobunaga.
Jacques: And he's in this room?
Samonosuke: I...think?
Jacques: Well, lets get in there so I can go home already!
*Ranmaru appears*
Ranmaru: AHA! Samonosuke! WE MEET AGAIN!
Samononsuke: Do we?  Are you sure this isn't the first time we've met?
Ranmaru: ...good question.  Lets just fight.
Jacques: Hey, what about me?
Ranmaru: Oh, you have a mercenary with you...who has a bad ass long coat...damn it, I'm taking this up wiht my boss why we can't get anyone like this.  Screw it, CLICHE SAMURAI ZOMBIE THING, GET HIM! *Ranmaru and Samonosuke run off*
Jacques: *sigh* Might as well make the most of this*
*one boss fight later*
Jacques: Well, I'm fine, but I wonder how my son is...need to tell him I'm alright.
Ako: Oh! I can do that! That's no problem!
Jacques: Wait, how can you talk to my son? We're 500 years (even if by my math, its only 420...) before he was even born! 
Ako: Oh, I can time travel back and forth between points! I'll be back in a jiff! Later!
Jacques: ...how convenient...

*back in Paris France*
Samonosuke: Ok, recapping, I was about to kill Nobunaga, I get sent to some place that I'm pretty sure is China, beat up some demons, Skeletor summons a giant monster with weapons I've never seen before...
Ako: SAMONOSUKE!!!!!
Samonosuke: ...and now I have to deal with a Tengu *sigh* Alright, who are you, what do you want, and how do you know me?
Ako: Oh, Jacques sent me!  He's taking your place in the warring states era while you're here in the FUTURE!!! taking his place.
Samonosuke: ...ok, that makes perfect sense, go on.
Ako: The two of you have to work together.  You do your part on this end while he does his part on his end.
Samonosuke: Wouldn't it have been easier to just let Jacques stay in this time and me stay in my time so we're dealing with familiar stuff?
Ako: Hey, I'm just the messenger!
Samonsuke: Fair enough.  So this Jacques fellow...
French Woman: Aha! There you are weird man!  ...thank you for killing the demons...
Samonosuke: Ah, no problem, and...wait, you can speak English?
French Woman: ...you can understand me now?
Ako: Tee hee ^_^
French Woman: Whose that?
Ako: I'm Ako! A Tengu!
Samonosuke: Just assume she's friendly and don't ask questions; its easier that way.
French Woman: Anyway, I need your help, you're good at GHOST BUSTING and I need to find Jacques!
Samonosuke: Jacques...won't be coming I'm afraid.
French Woman: YOU KILLED HIM!?
Samonosuke: Err...uh, I mean, no, he's sort of back 500 years in the past and I'm his replacement from that era.  Again, its best you don't ask questions, that's how I get through this stuff.
French Woman: Uh-huh...well, my name is Michelle and I'm his fiancee.  *she gets a call* What? You need back up? Ok, I'm on it!
Samonosuke: Looks like I know who my partner is for this mission.
*Samonosuke and Michelle hurry to the basement*
Michelle: What happened here?
Samonosuke: The Genma got here before we did.
Michelle: Well, we gotta find the others, come on!
Samonosuke: That sounds easy.
Michelle: This is going to require some annoying item finding, switch puzzles and possibly a password in the mix.
Samonosuke: ...nuts...
*after dealing with those puzzles, talking to some useless French Guys, and getting out of the sewers*
Samonosuke: *hears a ring* What is this odd noise? Its coming from this device that somehow is in my pocket...VILE ARTIFACT OF DEMON MAGIC I WILL DESTROY YOU!
Michelle: Err, wait! Let me take that! Its probably from Jacques!
Samonosuke: I thought I told you he's...
Michelle: I know, but let me keep my delusions of grandeur damn it! *speaks on the phone* ...ok, that was from his son Henri.
Samonosuke: I'm still confused as to what the hell is going on...
Michelle: Oh, this device lets me speak to people from far away...
Samonosuke: I see...
Michelle: Now, lets go to Jacques' house to tell his son!
Samonosuke: Ok...

*they get there*
Henri: Daddy!!! *sees Michelle walks in* Oh, its YOU!  AND WHOSE HE?
Michelle: Hi, this is Samonosuke, a Samurai from JAPAN!
Ako: AND I'M AKO A TENGU!
Henri: HUH!?!?!?
Samonosuke: This is a long story, we best explain it...
*one fade away later*
Michelle: And that's what happened...
Samonosuke: Wait, weren't you wearing a jacket earlier?  When did you take it off?
Michelle: During the cut scene shift of course.
Samonosuke: Oh, right.
Henri: So dad's not coming back for a while...GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!
MIchelle: Henri...
Ako: I don't think they get along...
Samonosuke: You can say that again.
Ako: I don't think they get along...oh, right! I gotta go tell Jacques we passed the message along, later!

*Back in Japan, Jacques is sitting down bored*
Ako: I'M BAAAAAACK! I told your son everything!
Jacques: Ah, good.
Ako: And he's a stubborn grouch like this dad!
Jacques: A cute one though!  Anyway, I guess I best get a move...say, what's in that chest? *he opens it, and finds a Rolex watch* THIS IS FROM YM ERA!? But how can that be...
Samonosuke: Ah, you found something...this is from a TRADING COMPANY WITH THE EAST!
Jacques: So...lets head on over there then?
Samonosuke: Yeah, sure why not.

And so, we leave our heroes in what is no doubt a ridiculous plot.  Stay tuned for more nonsense in the future!

[Meeplelard]

Episode 2: Too Awesome To Have Its Own Title!May not be awesome at all

Narrator: When we last left our hero...that is, the European one...whose currently in Japan...speaking English...with the past version of our OTHER hero...
Jacques: Ok, you've confused the audience enough, can we please get on with the game?
Narrator: Right right! He found a wrist watch...in feudal Japan...and went to go find its origins!
Jacques: Clearly, we must split up cause that's what we heroes do!
Samonosuke: Agreed! You do all the work while I become useless as an NPC!
Jacques: Sounds like a plan!
*they do exactly that, Jacques enters a random house*
Jacques: Hi there, do you recognize this WESTERN OBJECT?
Merchant: no.
Jacques: Ah, good, where did you get it?
Merchant: ...did you listen to me?
Jacques: No, no I did not, mostly cause I KNOW you saw it.
Merchant: OUT!!!!
Jacques: What?
Merchant: OUT!!!!!!!!!!
Jacques: But I just wanna....
Merchant: OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacques:*gets pushed out the door*  As if that's going to stop me! *door is locked* ...it seems he is smarter than I thought.  I need to get back in there...oh hey, an open window! Now if only I could get up there...
Kid: Hey Mister! There's this cool glowing thing in this barrel over here! Can you get me one of those sweet green things and I'll trade you for it?
Jacques: Uh, ok...
*goes to the Watermelon stand*
Jacques: GIVE ME A WATERMELON OR I'LL BE FORCED TO TALK IN FRENCH!
Watermelon Guy: EEK! Here you go!
Jacques: Thank you good sir; here, take this wristwatch!  You want it cause its from the west!
Watermelon Guy: SWEET!
*Jacques makes the exchange, uses his whip to get up on the beetle to the roof, gets inside*
Merchant: Why do we have to trade with the east?
Boss Dude: Cause they give us awesome stuff!  That and Nobunaga said so.
Merchant: Oh, right, him.  Fine, lets put this stuff on a ship and get out of here.
Boss Dude: HEY! I call the shots here.
Jacques: The plot thickens...say, what's that weird artifact-*random LIGHTNING SWORDCHUCKS appear in Jacques hand* Holy crap, where did this thing come from?  And where did this random file about a boat by some guy named Guildenstern come from?
Samanosuke: Ah, what did you find?
Jacques: This.
Samanosuke: *reads* ...Guildenstern's at it again, whelp, time to get beat him down.
Jacques: Whose he?
Samanosuke: Genma researcher.
Jacques: Why's he named after a Hamlet character if this is Japan?
Samanosuke: Cause he's actually Skeletor.
Jacques: ...I see...well, we best go stop him!
Samanosuke: Agreed!
*lots of demons appear in the town...ok, they were there a few lines back, but hush*
Jacques: Time to try my new weapon out! *He kicks some ass with it, they get to the boat*
Random Samurai Dude: HA! My name is HAIHACHIRO HONDA! BEHOLD MY POINTED STICK!
Samanosuke: Uh...ok, so we have to fight you?
Honda: Ah, but I am one of Nobunaga's most trusted disciples, YOU CANNOT BEAT ME!
Jacques: We have you out numbered two to one...
Honda: I AM THE GREATEST SAMURAI IN JAPAN!
Samanosuke: And we're holding Oni Gauntlets of power, and magical weapons to match...
Honda: MY WEAPON GLOWS FIERCE!
Jacques: Not to mention I'm french...
Honda: ...on second though, I'm outta here.  WE SHALL MEET AGAIN!
Jacques: What the hell just happened?
Samanosuke: I don't know...what I do know is the SHIP IS LEAVING!
Jacques: Hey! Its my motorcycle!  What's it doing here?  ....wait, don't answer that.  Now I have an idea!  I'll just...wait, where's my keys? WHERE'S MY GOD DAMN KEYS!?
Ako: Here they are!
Jacques: Ah, thanks, and...wait, how'd you get these?
Ako: Well, you see...
*flashback to 5 minutes ago...and 500 years in the future...*
Henri: *at his laptop* FATHER NEEDS MY HELP! *runs to grab his motorcycle keys*
Michelle: Huh? Is something wrong Henri?
Ako: Here I am!
Henri: Here, take these to dad!
Ako: Ok!
*flash back to Henri*
Jacques: Note to self, give my son a raise on his allowance.  But in any event, its time to GET ON THAT SHIP!
Samanosuke: Dare I ask how you're going to use a mechanical bike to get across the ocean?
Jacques: Here's a trick I learned...FROM THE FUTURE!!! *he makes an illogically large motorcycle jump, landing on the ship.  Samanosuke was on the bike with him*
Samanosuke: Wow, you can do some amazing things with this bike!
Jacques: Yeah, no one will be able to outbad ass THIS!
*insert Devil May Cry 3's famous Motorcycle scene here*
Jacques: ...damn you Capcom...anyway, we have to chase this Guildenstern guy, eh?
Samanosuke: Yeah, but being stuck on this ship, our progress is limited to where this ship goes.  So basically...
Jacques: ...its a good time to let your future self deal with things, got it.  Ako, you know what to do!
Ako: Right!

*shift back to France*
Ako: HENRI! I got the keys to your dad! He says thank you and wants you and Michelle to get along.
Michelle: Isn't that great Henri!?
Henri: ...
*Michelle's cellphone rings*
Michelle: Hello...yeah...you don't say...really?  That's interesting.  Got it.  Ok. *looks at Samanosuke* ...its for you...
Samanosuke: Wait, someone called your...evil magical box that lets you talk to people from a distance...in an attempt to speak to ME?
Michelle: Yes.
Samanosuke: Even though I'm from 500 years in the past...and Japan no less?
Michelle: Just answer the god damn phone.
Samanosuke: *sigh* Fine...Hello?
Michelle: ...you're holding it upside down.
Samanosuke: Oh, right. Hello?
Skeletor: Greetings Samanosuke.
Samanosuke: ...hi there...evil generic demon guy.
Skeletor: Hey, is that a way to greet an old friend?
Samanosuke: We were never friends!
Skeletor: Please spare me your cheesey heroic dialog.
Samanosuke: But that's all I have!
Skeletor: Whatever, meet me at Notre Dame NOW!  Oh yeah, its not a trap!
Samanosuke: Ok. *hands phone up* I'm heading to Notre Dame, you stay here with Henri.
Michelle: Ok...wait, how do you even know where Notre Dame is?  You're from Japan 500 years ago!
Samanosuke: Because I just DO, ok?
Michelle: Whatever, I'll watch after Henri.

So Samanosuke heads off to Notre Dame!  In there, he fights MORE ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS! SOME WEIRD ROLLING LIZARD GUYS! As well as dealing with ROTATING BLADES! CREST PUZZLES! And the search for the sacred ROPE LADDER!

...oh yeah, he also gets a new big katana that he can swing faster than his small twin blades...

But tune in next time as Samanosuke fights the rest of...NOTRE DAME!

[Meeplelard]

Episode 3: By the Power of Ako!!!!

Narrator: When we last left our Hero...that is to say the Samurai who...
Samanosuke: Just say my name and what era I'm in so we can get to the actual story.
Narrator: FINE! When we last left SAMANOSUKE who was in FRANCE searching NOTRE DAME...
Samanosuke: Thank you.
Narrator: ...he had just gotten a new awesome sword.
Samanosuke: Man, this sword is awesome and big and...wait, why is it Wind Elemental, while my two light weight swords are Light elemental?
*Zombie Skeleton Demons attack out of nowhere, Samanosuke butchers them effortlessly*
Samanosuke: Oh look, a Golden Skull...embedded in an odd spot...guarded by Dark Aura...which I can absorb with my gauntlet...I smell more Crest puzzles...
*7 Resident Evil style puzzles later*
Samanosuke: Ok, if this room doesn't have actual plot development, I QUIT!
Skeletor: Ah, Samanosuke, you made it at last!
Samanosuke: (...you know, maybe I should just quit ANYWAY.)
Skeletor: But you are too late!
Samanosuke: (Yeah, I'm just not digging the hero gig right now...)
Skeletor: I have already found the TIME FOLD!
Samanosuke: (Also, I really should have picked a better outfit than this.  I mean, my past self gets this cool red armor, but I get a bad hair cut and this weird looking generic samurai suit...)
Skeletor: With it, Nobunaga shall CONQUOR THE WORLD!
Samanosuke: (Maybe I should have stopped at one of these French Shops along the way, and got new future clothes...)
Skeletor: NOT JUST THIS ERA! BUT THE FUTURE AND PAST TOO! WITH GENMA YOU SEE!
Samanosuke: (...wait, how did I know this was France? No one told me and I thought it was China about 2 hours ago...)
Skeletor: So, Samanosuke, what are you going to do about it? You cannot fight what's in the past!
Samanosuke: (and then-...wait, he asked me a question, damn it, that means I have to respond)...well, I could just...kick your ass, I guess.
Skeletor: You'll have to catch me first! *Jumps into a portal*
Samanosuke: GET BACK HERE EVIL ONE!
*Follows suit, ends up in a weird docking area* 
Samanosuke: What manner of sorcery is this?
Ako: Oh! That's the boat Jacques was on!  This must be where he lands!
Samanosuke: I see...say, why not check up on him, he should probably get a heads up as to what out skull faced freak is up too.
Ako: Ok! *teleports...but fails* ...huh? I can't leave! THis is weird...
Samanosuke: Or just a stupid attempt to integrate plot and gameplay to force a new aspect that requires actually swapping between me and the French Guy at the players will instead of the plot's!
Ako: Oh, right, that's the real reason, isn't it?  Well, lets get to one of those purple points!

*one gameplay device later, now back in the feudal era*
Ako: JACQUES!!!!!!!!
Jacques: Oh, its you...
Ako: Jacques, I've learned of the villains plot, for you see...
*one boring explanation later*
Jacques: ...so Samanosuke is in this is exact spot 500 years in the future...by which we really mean 420 cause SOME CAPCOM PRODUCER CAN'T FUCKING SUBTRACT.
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: Well, that means the PAST AND FUTURE ARE LINKING UP! This is really bad!
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: Well, no use standing around here, lets get to work, and finally actually work together with Samanosuke to solve this riddle!
*the two, with AKo's help, start swapping emblems back and forth at will to continue nonsense and what not, eventually Jacques enters a room with...lots of random junk*
Jacques: Man, there's a lot of random junk in this room...I bet its all the GENMA's fault!
Ranmaru: Aha! Its you!  You'd make quite the good detective!
Jacques: ...aren't you one of the bad guys?  You realize you could have just stabbed me in the back and just won here and now, right?
Ranmaru: Oh, I'm not being paid to do that right now.  See, this is one of those "Henchman appears just to mock the hero" sequences.
Jacques: But you're not really mocking me, you just complimented me in fact!
Ranmaru: Yeah, well, you...uhh...and....damn it! I'm leaving! May my honorable walk out be a symbol of my anger and protest to your ability to verbally defeat me! *he does exactly that*
Jacques: ...I wonder if he remembers he's only 14 years old and speaking to some guy whose a seasoned cop from the future...oh well, I can't do anything here, maybe this BARRIER will be gone 420 years in the future coincidentally...
Ako: Yeah, maybe it will!
Jacques: So Samanosuke can get the object then!
Ako: Yeah!
Jacques: ...and you know, sort of send it back to me to make use of it...
Ako: Yeah!
Jacques: ...which requires your help.
Ako: It does!
Jacques: ...you realize you need to go to the future to pull this off, right?
Ako: YEp!
Jacques: So...
Ako: ^_^
Jacques: (...are crow demon fairies really all this dense?) Ok, look, I need Samanosuke to get this item, and then send it back to me.
Ako: Oh! Oh! I know I know! I'll go to the future, tell Samanosuke to get the item, bring it back here, you use it, then you both benefit cause you're in the past!
Jacques: Yeah, that's what I was getting at...
Ako: Yay! And I thought of that all by myself! Glad it was all my idea! WHere would you be without my intelligence!
Jacques: ...just go to the future already.
AKo: OK!

*Ako goes to the future*
Samanosuke: Ah, so its my turn is it.
Ako: Yeah!
Samanosuke: So what happened in the past that needs my help here?
Ako: Well...I don't remember...
Samanosuke: ...wonderful...
Ako: But we'll be ok, I promise! IN fact, I'll go back and ask Jacques what he wnated right now!
Samanosuke: No, how about we just explore the place and see if anything new openned up thanks to his actions.
Ako: OK!
*Samanosuke reaches the same room, now 420 years older*
Samanosuke: Hmm...interesting object, its almost like there was a barrier here some hundreds of years ago!
Ako: Of course there wasn't one! If there was, it'd still be here!
Samanosuke: Uh, yeah, right.  Anyway, about this object...
Skeletor: AH! Samanosuke! You found me at last!
Samanosuke: Yeah I...wait, you snuck up on ME and you're giving ME credit for finding YOU?
Skeletor: Indeed!
Samanosuke: ...maybe I should be happy that I got stuck with the MORON villain.
Skeletor: Oh yeah, I brought a friend here for you to play with!
Samanosuke: Do I really want to know?
Random Zombie: SAMANOSUKE!!!!!!!!!
Samanosuke: Oh, Ranmaru...you look awful </actual line of dialog>
Zombie Ranmaru: I WILL DEVOUR YOUR FLESH AND EAT YOUR SPINE AND KILL YOU!
Skeletor: I have brought him back from the dead, now far more powerful than he was before.
Zombie Ranmaru: AND THEN I WILL SLICE YOU INTO TINY BITS AND FEED YOU TO DUCKS AND KICK YOU IN THE BALLS AND HELP OLD LADIES CROSS THE STREET AND...
Samanosuke: ...you know, when I killed you, I was moderately pleased (partially cause it meant Nobunaga was screwed), but now I'm starting to regret this action...
Zombie Ranmaru: NOW LET US FIGHT!
Samanosuke: ok, FINALLY something I can agree with you on!
*The two fight, the fight consists of Ranmaru jumping around like a maniac and making cheesey villainous henchmen one liners that are completely forgettable*
Zombie Ranmaru: DAMN YOU SAMANOSUKE!
Samanosuke: What, cause even as a Zombie, you can't beat me?
Zombie Ranmaru: I'll be back, just you wait! I let you win this time cause...uh...yeah, I just did! *he runs*
Samanosuke: ...seriously, why am I stuck with all the freaking MORONS for villains?
Ako: Oh, its ok! Jacques has to deal with him too, only he's still alive there!
Samanosuke: Oh and...wait, you can remember that, but you can't remember why you're here specifically?
Ako: Nope! Oh, I'll be taking that object to Jacques now! He said he needed it!
Samanosuke: This is not my average ordinary magical samurai mission...

*420 years earlier*
Ako: Jacques! I'm BACK!!!
Jacques: You know, I don't get it; if you can travel through time at a whim, why do I always have wait exactly as much time as it takes for you in the future to bring stuff back in the past?  Couldn't you just teleport back here like 2 seconds after you left?
Ako: But then it wouldn't be as fun!
Jacques: ...anyway, this object I have...lets go make use of it I guess.
*Jacques does exactly that, beating up LIVING ARMORS, Trolls, more ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS until finally*
Jacques: mm...a dead end...
Hanging Man: GREETINGS! WE MEET AGAIN!
Jacques: Ok, no, I definitely NEVER saw you before.
Hang Man: Do you want what's down below? Its quite rewarding!
Jacques: ...this is totally optional and has nothing to do with the plot, right?
Hang Man: That is correct!
Jacques: Yeah, sure, why not.
*Jacques gets a Thunder Stone from this*
Jacques: Man, that's weak.  But what's this strange purple glowing...
*Jacques' weapon turns into a HUGE ROPE MACE.  No, not a Chain Flail, a Rope Mace.  THAT SHOOTS ICE*
Jacques: Man, my weapons just keep getting more awesome as they come, don't they?  And somehow, my Pistol has unlimited ammo to make for some stylish holds!
Samanosuke: *From the Future* God damn it! Why do you get all the cool weapons?  All I got are these twin swords and a big cleaver.  Meanwhile, you got a Flaming Whip Sword, Lightning Sword Chucks and now an Ice Sword Flail.
Jacques: The advantages of being french!
*Jacques continues onward, enters a room, lots of demons being beaten up by a half naked fat man with a large glowing pointed stick*
Honda: AHA! You cannot beat the almighty Haichiro Honda! I AM INVINCIBLE! NO ONE CAN STOP ME!
Jacques: Hi there!
Honda: NO ONE CAN STOP ME! *He leaves*
Jacques: ...I guess he didn't see me.  Weird, I thought he was a  bad guy, but here he's fighting Genma...
Ako: Yeah, its really weird!
Jacques: ...I'm guessing he doesn't even know his own role, and...CRAP! Another dead end!  You know what this means, right?
Ako: Nope!
Jacques: ...just go to the future and tell Samanosuke to look for more stuff that I might be able to make use of!
Ako: Ok!!!

*420 years later*
Samanosuke: 6703 blood stains, 6704 blood stains...
Ako: Samanosuke!!!!
Samanosuke: Ah, you're back, so how did it go.
Ako: How did what go?
Samanosuke: ...lets just move on.
*Samanosuke deals with a bunch of booby traps*
Samanosuke: Ok, no, why the hell do I get all the Booby Traps like spinning blades and BARREL CRUSHERS while he gets the cool awesome weapons? Seriously, this game is suppose to be about Samurais, NOT FRENCH MEN KICKING ASS!
Capcom: Fine, if you're gonna whine, just take this new weapon then!
*Samanosuke gets a BIG FUCKING AXE*
Samanosuke: ...I...guess I should be...thankful?  I mean...I mostly use swords...
Giant Troll: ROAR BLARG SMASH BAM!!!!
Samanosuke: Eh, lets see how this *he cleaves the Troll effortlessly in half on one hit with a critical* ...um, ok, this might work.  I wonder what kind of magic it uses-*creates big walls of Lava that kill things dead* ...yeah, that'll do.
Hang Dude: Ah, we have a new guest it seems.
Samanosuke: Oh, hi there.  What's your name?
Hang Dude: Would you like to take my challenge?
Samanosuke: Yeah I...wait, weren't you back 420 years ago with Jacques?
Hang Dude: Oh no! That was my Great Great Great Great Great *ad nauseum* Great Great Grandfather Hang Man! I'm Hang Dude!  We're totally different!
Samanosuke: Right...ok, I accept your challenge! HAVE THEE VILE DEMONS!
*Samanosuke gets a Wind Soul*
Samanosuke: So I guess when I turn into Sephiroth, I get NEW POWERS now, huh?  Eh screw it, I'm taking a nap.
Jacques: *From the past* Hey, that sounds like a good idea! I think I'll do the same!
Ako: Wait! What should I do? Both of you can't take a nap! What about saving the world!
Ranmaru: I'll do it!
Ako: really?
Zombie Ranmaru: No, I'll do it!
Ako: AH! THere's two of you!!!!

Narrator: ...ok, no, I'm just ending this episode right here and now, cause god knows we're allowed to let Ranmaru do ANYTHING remotely worth noting.
Zombie Ranmaru and Ranmaru: ...awww...

[Meeplelard]

Episode 4: Ranmaru's Still a Moron

Ranmaru: Oh burn in hell!
Narrator: *bitch slaps Ranmaru* BACK IN YOUR CAGE!
Ranmaru: Yes sir! *does exactly that*
Narrator: Anyway, when we last left SAMANOSUKE, he was about to take a nap cause he was bored.
Samanosuke: Nah, I'm up now, so what do I have to do again?
Narrator: How the hell am I suppose to know? I just read a god damned script! You're the protagonist!
Samanosuke: Sheesh, whatever.  Anyway, I shall...wait, crap, am I at a dead end?
Ako: Yes, yes you are.
Samanosuke: ...well, I guess its Jacques turn now!

*Jacques takes over*
Jacques: Well, now that I have this RED DISC that Samanosuke sent me...
Samanosuke: *From future* WHAT THE HELL? AKO!!! I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD TAKE THAT THING!!!!
Jacques: I shall continue onward in my journey!
Samanosuke: *From future* ...strange, after my complaint, the Red Disc spontaneously appeared in the exact spot I planned on placing it!  Time Travel is a perplexing thing indeed!
Jacques: ...this is my section damn it, STOP INTERRUPTING ME!
Samanosuke: *From future* Oh, right, sorry.
Jacques: Anyway, lets make a move on and-...
*He enters a room with a HUGE FUCKING 2 HEADED DOG*
Jacques: So...Ako...what's it saying?
Ako: Why do you assume I know what dogs say?
Jacques: Cause you have pretty much every useless power known to man, outside of exact specific scenarios that only me and my future companion would run into?
Ako: Oh, right! WEll, it says LEAVE NOW!
Ranmaru: *comes in out of nowhere* Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, THERE'S A GUARD DOG!
Jacques: ...damn it, you're not suppose to be in this scene!
Ranmaru: I'm not?
Jacques: NO! NOW GET OUT SO I CAN HAVE A BOSS FIGHT!
Ranmaru: ...nobody loves me *he leaves even though he was never actually in this scene to begin with*
Jacques: So I guess this is the guard dog then...lets get this fight over with!
*Boss fight ensues, Jacques emerges victorious*
Jacques: Ok, now that that's done with...
*trap springs, entire area starts flooding*
Jacques: ...should have seen that coming.
*He runs up stairs, killing more ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS*
Ako: Man, your luck really sucks Jacques.
Jacques: No thanks to you!
Ako: Well, if you stopped yelling at me, you wouldn't miss that DEMON TRAIN OVER THERE!
Jacques: What demon train? *he looks behind him, sees a DEMON TRAIN leaving* ...oh the convenience *he gets on it without any flair and drama despite it moving at max speed*
Jacques: *sigh* I just want to go home...can you tell Samanosuke to figure this stuff out already?
Ako: OK!!!  Wait, what are you doing?
Jacques: Taking a nap, cause I'm not going to be in the game for quite a while due to some screwed up nonsense.
Ako: Got it!

*back 420 years in the future*
Samanosuke: So its my turn again?  Ok, lets check out this new room!
*he does exactly that, upon entering the room*
Zombie Ranmaru: DIE!!!!!!!! *he misses spectacularly*
Samanosuke: ...oh, hi, Ranmaru...what's up?
Zombie Ranmaru: I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
Samanosuke: Are you really sure you want another curb stomping? I mean...seriously, do you think anything is going to change since 20 minutes ago?
Zombie Ranmaru: YES!!!! NOW I WILL KIL-
*Samanosuke kicks him in the teeth*
Zombie Ranmaru: OW! My 434 year old Undead teeth! You'll pay for that!
Samanosuke: Look, can we just get on with-*Random aura engulfs Samanosuke* What kind of sorcery is this?
Zombie Ranmaru: Oh look, you fell for my trap! Now you'll become a Genma and I'll get my revenge!
Samanosuke: So you're going to turn me into a demon?
Zombie Ranmaru: Yes!
Samanosuke: Thereby making me stronger just like you?
Zombie Ranmaru: Yes!
Samanosuke: And you're suppose to defeat me after I get this upgrade?
Zombie Ranmaru: YES!!!!
Samanosuke: Even though you couldn't beat me as I am now?
Zombie Ranmaru: Yes! THIS PLAN IS FLAWLESS! SEE YOU IN HELL!! *Samanosuke teleports away*
Ako: Oh no! I need to go tell someone something is wrong! I know! I'll tell them!

*In Jacques Apartment*
Ako: Samanosuke is in trouble!
Henri: I must help him! If he's in trouble, dad is too! I'm off to Notre Dame! *Henri charges out of the house*
Michelle: No! Henri! You mustn't...Ako, we have to find him, or else he's in trouble.
Ako: Ok! Lets go!  But you'll have to become a playable character if we're to do this.
Michelle: Ok, can I still use guns and grenades?
Ako: Uh, I guess?
Michelle: THEN LETS DO THIS!
*Michelle guns down a bunch of demons with a Semi-Automatic Shotgun, Assault Rifle, and blows a few things up with Grenades*
Ako: So you find anything yet?
Michelle: No, not quite-...*finds a document* ...except that this says there's something going on in the Zoo...HENRI AND SAMANOSUKE MUST BE THERE!
Ako: OK! ...wait, we don't even know that Henri got kidnapped, aren't we getting ahead of ourselves?
Michelle: He's a 10 year old boy whose sole purpose is to be motivation for Jacques to care about this time line (Cause apparently, me being engaged to him isn't enough...), and help out my own character development, what od you think?
Ako: I don't think!
Michelle: (how do Jacques and Samanosuke put up with her?)

*meanwhile, in jail*
Henri: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
Samanosuke: Be strong, Henri! Michelle will save us!
Henri: No she won't! She's a bitch!
Samanosuke: Look, its either have faith in her, or just whine and accept your death.
Henri: DO I have a choice?
Samanosuke: No, no you don't.

*at the Zoo with a french name that I don't give a shit about*
Michelle: You know...it occurred to me...me and Henri were speaking English even while you weren't around, even though we were all clearly speaking French before you entered the picture...how is that possible?
Ako: Cause French people speak English ^_^?
Michelle: ...anyway, we're in the Zoo, so I guess there's going to be Demonic animals right?
*A DEMON GORILLA COMES OUT OF A CAGE*
Michelle: EAT LED YOU UGLY PIECE OF CRAP!
*It dies, Michelle explores for a bit, finds a bunch of useless items, and a Sniper Rifle, ultimately gets a boat*
Ako: So...why don't you and Henri get along?
Michelle: Cause his mother died in a car accident...
Ako: Oh, ok! That makes perfect sense!
Michelle: ...there's more to the story than that, you realize.
Ako: Oh, I get it! You crashed the car into her, didn't you?
Michelle: ...what? No! That's not it!  She died protecting Henri, and he blamed himself, so now he just doesn't want a new mom!
Ako: Huh? You make no sense!
Michelle: But that's what happened...
*Boat stops moving, Fish Demons appear...then get shot to death*
Ako: Uh-oh, is the boat broken?
Michelle: Nah, its fine *she kicks the motor, it starts moving* see?
(This actually happens in the game.)
*Michellle reaches the jail*
Henri: Michelle! Yay!!
Michelle: Hang on, I'll get you out of here!
Samanosuke: ...what? You're just going to ignore me? Geez, its cause I'm asian, isn't it?
*they get out of Jail*
Henri: Michelle!!!
Michelle: Henri!!!
*The them from Chariot's of Fire plays as those two slowly run to a hug*
Skeletor: FOOLED YOU!!!! *Grabs both right before they hug*
Samanosuke: SKELETOR! GET BACK HERE!
Skeletor: A woman and a boy, perfect specimens.  Ehehehehe!  COME AND SAVE THEM IF YOU CAN SAMANOSUKE!
Samanosuke: Whelp, that diversion is done with, I guess I better go save those two...
*Samanosuke beats the shit out of a crap load of Demon Gorillas on his quest to reach those two, including running all the way across the Zoo to get ONE FUCKING KEY to open a door where the two were taken which was from a door in the exact room he started in*
Samanosuke: Capcom, why do you do this to me?
Skeletor: Because, you're the main character!
Samanosuke: Since when do you break the 4th wall?
Skeletor: ...SILENCE! YOU WILL NOT SAVE THESE TWO! NOW DIE!
Samanosuke: Wait, you mean...I'm about to have a boss fight...that's actually RELEVANT?
Skeletor: What about Ranmaru?
Samanosuke: He's relevant?
Skeletor: ...ok, I suppose I should have chosen a BETTER henchman to ressurect...maybe that Honda guy would have been better...but enough banther, LET THIS EPIC FATED CONFRONTA-...
*Samanosuke shoots a flaming arrow into Skeletor's face*
Skeletor: DAMN YOU SAMANOSUKE!!! *he "dies", Michelle and Henri get saved*
Michelle: Thank you Samanosuke, its finally over!
Samanosuke: No, its not.  There's never just one freak of nature, or alternatively, they never die merely once.  Here, can you take me to this spot?  That's probably where they'll be.
Michelle: Uh, sure!
*they jump in Michelle's car!*
Ako: Hmm...you know, Henri, you should let go of the past.
Samanosuke: Holy crap, did you just say something useful?
Ako: ^_^
Henri: But I can't do that so easily!
Ako:  Well, if I get an item from your mother, I can let you meet her one last time, do you have anything?
Henri: Uhh...dad might!
Ako: Oh, that's too bad.  Guess we need to come up with a different...
Samanosuke: No, we don't; you just travel back to Jacques and get an item from him and bring it here, you have that power remember?
Ako: Oh, right!

*she goes back to Jacques*
Jacques: Hmm...an item from my dead wife? Uh, how about this ring she use to wear?
Ako: NO! It has to be something from her.
Jacques: ...just take the damn ring.
Ako: Oh, ok! I forget why I'm here anyway ^_^
*Back in the present, Ako does some weird shit with the ring*
Henri's Mother: Henri, stop being a little cry baby and move on with your life! Its not your fault I killed myself for you!
Henri: Its not? Ok, yay! I feel better!
Ako: There! Now you and Michelle should get along much better!
Samanosuke: Awww, isn't that happy...now if you excuse me, I got a cryptic castle in the middle of this city to overtake single handedly!  You two stay here!
*Samanosuke charges into the castle...only to find he can't progress at all cause everything is locked*
Samanosuke: let me guess...all the objects I need exist 500 years ago, and you'll have to get Jacques get them for me, right?
Ako: YEP! Later!

*back with Jacques*
Jacques: Man, that was the smoothest ride ever, Demons should really go into the transportation business, cause they're much better at that than the whole World Domination thing...
Honda: AHA! ITS YOU!!!
Jacques: Oh, the guy who looks exactly like Misturugi from Soul Calibur.
Honda: Yes! NOW EN GUARDE!
Jacques: Wait, we're enemies now?
Honda: BUT OF COURSE!
Jacques: What makes you say that?
Honda: Because...uhh...*he looks up, sees a demon woman* ...because we are, OK!
*Half assed boss fight ensues*
Jacques: Ok, look, its quite clear you're not evil, just kind of psycho...
Honda: And you're not half bad a fighter!
Demon Woman: Heihachi, kill him already!
Honda: No.
Demon Woman: Why not? I'm your boss!
Honda: No you aren't.
Demon Woman: What?
Honda: I don't take orders, so I'm just sort of going to leave now.
Demon Woman: Bah, I don't need you, I'm going back to my slave labor.
Jacques: Say...this place...its in France...ARE WE BACK IN MY TIME!? *remembers he just fought Honda* ...no, no I'm not.
Ako: Good news! Samanosuke is here as well.
Jacques: Ah, will I meet him?
Ako: No, cause he's here 500 years from now ^_^!
Jacques: ...I see...well, guess I should explore this place or something
*Bunch of emblem puzzles and swapping back and forth between characters later, in the middle of which Jacques learns the weird demon woman's name is Vega Donna*
Vega Donna: Come you French, if you don't work, I'LL EAT YOUR SOUL!  Now, I'm going to take a nap!
Jacques: ...did she just quite literally let me get a free pass into rescuing these guys?
French Slaves: Uh? We're saved? Ok, lets stop working and run into demon infested terroritory!!!
Jacques: yes! Do that! Hurry!
Vega Donna: What the...Demons are escaping? GET THEM MY GENERIC MINIONS!
Jacques: Oh no, generic genma, whatever will I do, if only I had ancient japanese weaponry of illogical elemental properties to fight them with...
Vega Donna: Yeah, you can't beat them cause you totally lack tho-...
*Jacques kicks their asses effortlessly with ancient japanese weaponry of illogical elemental properties*
Vega Donna: But you just said you didn't have those...
Jacques: ...I'm just going to pretend that sarcasm wasn't invented in the 16th century and casually leave now.
*He does exactly that, meanwhile back in the Future*
Hang Dude: Whoa man, its like...you again...
Samanosuke: How the hell did you get here? And since when did you talk like a stereotype hawaiin surfer?  Wait, how do I even know what the hell Hawaii is?
Hang Dude: I just do, man!  Now, are you like going to do my challenge...man?
Samanosuke: ...I guess I might as well kill time waiting for Jacques do his ACTUAL PLOT.
*back with the main plot*
Jacques: Ok, I have saved some slaves and *key comes flying towards him from nowhere* Huh? A useful object? Didn't expect that...
Honda: Here you go, there's more French Men in the area over in the front.
Jacques: ..why are you helping me now?  Didn't we just sort of try to kill each other?
Honda: HA! You act as though I actually plan these things out! That's a good one!
Jacques: ...I'm gonna go do some more heroic stuff if you don't mind.
Honda: You go do that, I'm gonna fade away from significance again!
*more random Resident Evil like Emblem Puzzles later*
Jacques: Ok, we've not really run into any real competition in a while, something vile is afoot!
*a trap triggers, Jacques and Ako, despite her TIME TELEPORTING POWERS, are stuck in that room*

*back in 2004*
Henri: DAD NEEDS HELP! He's in trouble!
Michelle: What? Jacques' in trouble? But...he's 500 years in the past! How are we suppose to help him?
Henri: We just will, OK!? I'M GOING TO SAVE HIM!
Michelle: Not alone you aren't, I'm coming too!  First, we need to find Samanosuke! He'll know what to do!
Henri: Ok!!!

Will Michelle and Henri find Samanosuke?  Will Jacques die a painful death in this cliched trap room?  Will Honda ever figure out if he's a villain or just some arbitrary ally?  Will Ranmaru EVER serve a genuine purpose in this story?

Ranmaru: HEY! I'm already really important! I mean...look at me! I have a name and everything...I even have a zombiified version of myself!

...like I said, will Ranmaru EVER serve a genuine purpose in this story?

Ranmaru: ...aww...

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ONIMUSHA 3 ABRIDGED!

[Meeplelard]

Episode 5: What is a Man? BISON!!!!!

Narrator: When we last left our hero he...
Michelle: Ahem, I believe this is MY section of the game!
Narrator: It is?
Michelle: IT is; I don't get many ofthese and I'm NOT letting you give credit to someone else.
Narrator: ...fine (Hard bitch...)
Michelle: I heard that!
Narrator: Crap! *Flees*

Michelle: So, lets see, I have to take down more of these demons while making sure the son of my fiancee does not get hurt.  This shouldn't be too-...
*Bunch of demons appear out of nowhere*
Michelle: Um, crap, if only I had some sort of explosive other than these dinky grenades...
*she picks up a Grenade Launcher ina  chest that Samanosuke somehow couldn't open*
Michelle: ...that'll do! *Blasts them all to kingdom come*
*the two reach the top of the clock tower thing, along the way, Michelle refuses to move if Henri is one inch too far from her!*
Samanosuke: Michelle, Henri, what are you doing here?
Henri: Dad's in trouble!
Samanosuke: How the hell do you know this?  Oh, wait, I get it...YOU'RE A MARTY STU!
Michelle: I thought it was Gary Stu...
Samanosuke: ...semantics aside, how the hell do you know your father is in trouble 420 years ago?
Henri: IT says so in this history book here!
Samanosuke: ...I see...well, these things aren't historically accurate...
Ako: HELP! JACQUES IS CAUGHT IN A TRAP AND HE NEEDS YOUR HELP!
Samanosuke: ...and Crow Demon Fairies are even LESS reliable sources...
Henri: Dad's in trouble? I GOTTA HELP HIM!
Ako: Yeah! There's a trap down there, lets go!
Samanosuke: ...is anybody listening to me?
*Henri cracks the code on some DEMON KEYBOARD from 420 years in the past.  No, don't ask how, he just does, and its all by pushing arbitrary buttons*
Henri: I did it!
Ako: You did it!
Henri: Yeah, now I gotta send this to dad!
Ako: Yeah, we gotta send this to Jacques!
Samanosuke: So, uh, how do you plan on doing that?
Henri: I'll tell dad myself!? *psychic bullshit occurs, despite Henri being a totally normal mundane child*

*back in the Feudal Era*
Jacques: I can see my life flashing before my eyes...damn this poison...
Henri's Voice: Dad! I know the combination, don't give up!  I'll tell you it in the form of a minigame puzzle that resembles the game Simon!
Jacques: Huh? A Deus Ex Machina? Exactly what I need to get out of this situation!
*One puzzle later*
NOTE: Said Minigame was my only reset the entire game, cause I tend to screw up at Simon-like games.  Just thought I'd point that out!
Jacques: I'm alive! I'm so giving my son a raise on his allowance once I get back home!
Ako: Yay! Jacques! You're alive!
Jacques: yeah, I am...now go tell the others I'm fine!
Ako: Ok ^_^

*back in 2004*
Ako: You're dad's fine!
Samanosuke: Well, that's great news, isn't it Henri?
Henri: Yeah, it is!
Samanosuke: Now, lets see what's behind this door!
*they go in, big magical machine nonsense*
Samanosuke: ...great, I guess this thing fuels the Power Source of the TIme Folder and...
*Television screen turns on, Zombie Ranmaru is there in front of the Eifel Tower*
Zombie Ranmaru: SAMANOSUKE! I HATE YOU! DIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Samanosuke: ...I fail to see how this is relevant...
Zombie Ranmaru: I WILL THROW YOUR BONES INTO A PIT WHILE I DEFICATE THROUGH OTHER GENMA AS I SING BAD COUNTRY MUSIC IN AN ATTEMPT TO MOCK YOUR CORPSE!
Michelle: Do you know this guy?
Samanosuke: ...is it not too late to deny any sort of connection to him?
Zombie Ranmaru: AND THEN I WILL EAT THE BRAINS OF YOUR LIVER THAT YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE AS I DISEMBOWEL YOU! HEIL NOBUNAGA!!!
Michelle: Is he just mocking you on a TV for no reason?
Henri: How does he even know you're watching it?
Samanosuke: ...seriously, is it too late to pretend I don't know this guy at all?
Ako: Oh! Its your best friend and buddy forever Ranmaru, isn't it ^_^?
Samanosuke: ...I hate you...
Zombie Ranmaru: Oh, yeah, I'm suppose to mention something about a Time Folder and how its ready...BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER! I SHALL DRINK YOUR BLOOD OF YOUR STOMACH ACID AND-...*Samanosuke turns the TV off*
Samanosuke: Ok, I've had enough of that crap, but he did mention the TIme Folder, where could it be...
Michelle: Well, that WAS the Eifel Tower in the background, I think we should head there.
Samanosuke: Sounds like a plan!
*TV turns back on*
Zombie Ranmaru: DON'T YOU DARE CHANGE THE CHANNEL ON ME SAMANOSUKE!!! Oh yeah, you're going to die as this building collapses on you, TOODLES! *TV turns off*
Samanosuke: Um...shit, I think I have one word for this situation?
Ako: And what's that?
Samanosuke: RUN!!!!!
*the group all runs out of the dungeon, once outside, a big boulder explodes revealing a large two headed dog*
Ako: *gasp* Its awoken from its 420 year old sleep!
*Dog attacks Henri, Michelle blocks it and is knocked out, as though she died melodramatically even though the hit obviously didn't kill her*
Henri: MICHELLE!!!!!
Samanosuke: Vile dog! RESPECT YOUR MASTER NOW!
*Dog stops and listens*
Samanosuke: ...did it just...listen to my words?  Um...ok, lets try this *picks up a bone and throws it* FETCH!
*The dog runs and chases it off a cliff*
Samanosuke: Hey, its like I just skipped a boss fight.
Ako: ...cheater...
Henri: MICHELLE!!!!
Samanosuke: HEy, wake up, stop faking it!
Michelle: Huh, what happened?
Ako: Yay, she's alright ^_^
Samanosuke: Like I said, she was faking it...but lets get out of here, and save the drama for later, ok?
Henri: Ok, fine.
*they jump in Michelle's car, insert generic action car racing an explosion sequence here, everyone is fine*
Samanosuke: Well, it looks like we need to head to this Eifel Tower, how far is it from here?
Michelle: About 10 hours
Samanosuke: ...nuts...
Henri: Hey, Ako, can you go see what my dad's up too? Oh, and tell dad to marry Michelle!
(He actually says that last part...)
Ako: Alright ^_^

*420 years earlier*
Ako: Hey Jacques! Everyone's fine and happy and they're getting along happy and he says he wants you to marry Michelle!
Jacques: Well, that's good to here, so I guess its time we make some progress?
Ako: Yep ^_^
*TJacques makes his way into the castle*
Vega Donna: *insert Naga's Laugh here* Ah, yes, its you, BUT YOU'RE TOO LATE!
Jacques: ...look, I don't even know who you are, you're just a random demon chick who exists for obligatory fanservice in this game, would it hurt to have a little plot?
Vega Donna: Yes, YES IT WOULD!  But anyway, observe, I SHALL UNLEASH THIS CASTLE'S SECRET!!!!
Jacques: What would that?
*A large JAPANESE temple grows in the middle of the large FRENCH castle...yes, you read that right...and I mean it in the literal sense*
Jacques: What...the...hell...
*Said Temple is also being carried by a Kaiju-sized Bug Demon...and by "carried" I mean the temple is actually growing out of its back...no, I am not making any of this up*
Jacques: Assuming I'm still alive, when did that bitch drug me, cause there's no way I believe that this shit is happening...
Ako: Oh, this happens everyday here.
Jacques: ...I see...
Vega Donna: *insert Shantotto's laugh here* Now, I believe this is the part where you fall off and become conveniently separated from me!
Jacques: And what makes you say that?
Vega Donna: Cause the PLOT DEMANDS IT!
Jacques: ...oh, well then, I guess I'll take me leave *Jacques falls off the giant bug, the giant bug lands in what looks like a Temple Base conveniently perfectly fit for the rest ofthe large temple*
Jacques: HOLD IT!!!!...you know, it just occurred to me...that castle exists in my time, how the fuck can that be when it just got TOTALLY OBLITERATED by that large bug thingy?
Ako: Uhh...Capcom oversight? *is holding a compilation of Resident Evil files*
Jacques:  ...sure, I'll go with that.
*wakes up from unconsciousness*
Jacques: Ugh, where am I?
Samanosuke: Oh, good, you're back with us.  We saw you fall from that thing and well...I think its best for everyone's sake we don't go into details.
Ako: ITS SNOWING! IT MUST BE GENMA WORK CAUSE ITS SUMMER!
Samanosuke: And there's that.
Honda: Aha! He's awake!
Jacques: ...YOU!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT!?
Samanosuke: Whoa! He's on our side.  Lets just say he flipped a coin and it went in our favor.
Honda: Hey, I have perfectly good reasons to fight for you!
Samanosuke: ...even though you're a loyal vassal of Nobunaga.
Honda: I didn't say I don't have good reasons to fight for the Genma too, now do I?  BUT I WON'T FIGHT ALONGSIDE THOSE FREAKS SO WE'RE ALLIES NOW!
Jacques: Uh, ok, so...basically, what's the scoop?
Samanosuke: We've located Nobunaga's hide out!  However, the 3 of us alone won't do, but we've discovered an ANCIENT ARTIFACT in a temple nearbye that will help us out!
Honda: I WILL GET THIS OBJECT!
Jacques: Actually, Honda, I was hoping you could, you know, go back and pretend to be on their side? It'd be good to have someone in on the inside.
Honda: ...or I can do that.  Yeah, that works, I WILL BE THE BEST DOUBLE AGENT YOU EVER SAW!!!! *he leaves*
Jacques: So about that mystical artifact...
Samanosuke: Oh, its the Oni Army Orb.
Jacques: ...the what?
Samanosuke: Oni Army Orb.
Jacques: Are you seriously telling me its called that?
Samanosuke: Yes, yes I am.
Jacques: And I'm suppose to take it seriously?
Samanosuke: Yes.
Jacques: Dude, that sounds like something a 2nd grader can come up with!
Samanosuke: Look, I don't name these things, so take it up with the Ancient Oni Army who are sealed up inside the thing that we can use to our advantage.
Jacques: Eh, screw it, lets just get the damn thing.
*Jacques and Samanosuke get separated by a random gate, they decide to split up of course, Jacques finds the Orb*
Jacques: I guess this is it.
Samanosuke: Ah, you found it!
Jacques: I-...wait, weren't you trapped outside?
Samanosuke: Look, you don't ask me how I got in here, and I won't question how we get out of this supposed Point of No Return moments from now.
Jacques: ...fair enough.  Anyway, how does this work?
Samanosuke: Someone with an Oni has to control the Army, they'll fight for us.
Jacques: Ok, you'll control them cause you're better with that kind of stuff than me.
Samanosuke: Ok.
*The two enter battle field, Samanosuke summons the ONi Army, a bunch of Phantom Demon Samurais come and starting the Zombie Demon Skeletons.  Note that Phantoms move as though they're on skate boards...even though they lack skate boards*
Jacques: Ah, good an army of canon fodder that's already dead, now I can kick some ass!
*Jacques cuts swath across the Zombie Demon Skeletons as the Phantom Demon Samurais help him out, he eventually breaks into the temple*
Jacques: Well, I'm here, and...wait, where did all my useful Undead Red Shirts go?  God damn it, I'm solo again, aren't I?
Ako: You got me!
Jacques: Yep, I'm alone...
Ako: HEY!
Jacques: Now to-...*sees Honda on the ground as a bloody mess* HEIHACHI!!!
Honda: Damn, they got me.  Ranmaru's trap failed!
Jacques: ...Ranmaru set up a trap? ANd if it failed, why are you hurt so much?
Honda: Who said Ranmaru's trap did this? I just fell down the stairs, into a bunch of Zombie Skeleton Demons, and this is kind of what happened when their knives were out.
Jacques: Oh, ok, I can believe THAT.  For a second there, I thought you implied Ranmaru did something important.
Honda: Ha! Like that'll happen, but now I'm going to sort of disappear from the plot, so uh, yeah, pretend I'm dead.  By the way, Nobunaga isn't here.
Jacques: Ok.  *clears throat* HONDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Camera is slowly zooming away from him dramatically*  YOUR DEATH WON'T BE IN VAIN! *he storms off dramatically*
Vega Donna: *insert Kefka's laugh here* Ah, you've arrived! Well, now we shall fight.
Jacques: Ok, look, I'll fight you, but please, just tell me, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Vega Donna: *insert Albedo's laugh here* I'm Nobunaga's wife, and QUEEN OF THE GENMA! ANd-...
Jacques: ...ok, that'll do.
Vega Donna: But I'm not done!
Jacques: Look, all I wanted from you was a modicum of plot; we can't have someone whose less useful than Ranmaru running around.
Ranmaru: *from offstage* HEY!
Vega Donna: *insert some generic evil low pitched villainous laughter here* BUT HERE'S WHERE YOU DIE!
*One boss fight later*
Vega Donna: NO! HOW DID I LOSE!?!??! But the Time Folder is complete! *insert a 10 year old giddy school girl laugh here* *she dies*
Jacques: Crap, well, better go find Nobunaga...oh, Ako, go tell Samanosuke...the future one...to stop shit on that end.
Ako: I don't want too!
Jacques: Wait, what?
Ako: I've been taking shit from you two all along, I WANT SOME RESPECT!
Jacques: ...you're a freaking Crow Demon Fairy whose use in this game is akin to Navi from Orcarina of Time...
Ako: DOESN'T MATTER!
Jacques: *sigh* Fine, I'll give you $5 if you do this.
Ako: Ok ^_^ *she teleports to the future*
Jacques: ...did she actually believe me? Wow...

*at the Eifel Tower in 2004*
Samanosuke: Michelle, Henri, you stay here, THIS TIME ITS PERSONAL!
Ako: Yeah! Lets go kick some ass!
*Samanosuke just beats the crap out of everything in his way until he reaches the top*
Samanosuke: God damn it, why'd I take the stairs?  That elevator would have come in handy here, stupid hero's code of "Always take the harder route for EXTRA DRAMA!"
Zombie Ranmaru: SAMANOSUKE!!!!!!
Samanosuke: ...and my reward is him...
Zombie Ranmaru: AHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHA! YES! NOW I SHALL DUEL YOU IN THIS FATED CONFRONTATION OF LIFE, DEATH, TIME, SPACE, POODLES, AND HEIL NOBUNAGA!
Samanosuke: Ok, look, you're not exactly a major character,c an you just walk to the side while I blow up this machine?
Zombie Ranmaru: not...a major...character? HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!
Samanosuke: Yeah, now, where's the main villain in charge?
Zombie Ranmaru: I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE!
Samanosuke: ...no, seriously, where is he?  I mean, I know I beat Skeletor, but there's either somebody behind him, or he's not really dead, and waiting to make a grand entrance.
Zombie Ranmaru: Damn it, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
Samanosuke:  And why should I?
Zombie Ranmaru: CAUSE I'M THE MAIN VILLAIN!!!!
Samanosuke: ...you know, arguing with you is like arguing with a 5 year old boy, except 5 year old boys actually understand what is being said to some extent.
Zombie Ranmaru: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Samanosuke just punches Zombie Ranmaru*
Zombie Ranmaru: Curse...you...Samanosuke...*pulls a lever on the big switch of the DEMON EIFEL TOWER*
Samanosuke: Shit, I'm too late...and I let Ranmaru actually do something USEFUL.  Crap, I just hope Jacques and my past self can deal with this problem...

*back in Feudal Japan*
Random Samaurai Commander from the Game's Opening: Alright, men, we're going to take Nobunaga's fort!  By which I mean, you two will do all the work while my men get useless slaughtered.
Jacques: Its cause we have big awesome mystical weapons and your mean are just generic samurai, isn't it?
Samanosuke: Yeah, pretty much.  Lets just get this over with.
Jacques: Ok...
*a reenactment of the game's opening occurs, except Jacques is now kicking ass in the mix, at least til they reach the front door step*
Samanosuke: Beyond this door is Nobunaga...
Jacques: And finally, the end of my journey, I can soon go ho-...
Ranmaru: SAMANOSUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Samanosuke: ...do I know you?
Ranmaru: Oh come on! I know we've fought at least once before!  I even sent a generic demon monster thing at that other guy over there!
Jacques: ...let me deal with him.
Samanosuke: Why?
Jacques: Cause there's something I've been wanting to do the entire damn time I've been back here since I first saw this guy.
Ranmaru: Oh, you want to fight me? Well, YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME-...
*Jacques kicks his ass effortlessly.  No, I'm not kidding; its really just horribly one sided to the point where he just starts punching him to death, eventually Ranmaru falls off the balcony and dies*
Jacques: For both our sakes, let us hope he's dead, and not going to come back as a Zombie in my era.
Samanosuke: ...who was he again?
Jacques: ...you know, I'm not really sure, thinking on it...lets just go beat up Nobunaga.
Samanosuke: Works for me!

*The two enter, Nobunaga is sitting on a throne, wine glass in hand, with what appears to be a red police cap on his head*
Jacques: ...I'm not even going to ask...
Samanosuke: Beware the mustache, Jacques...
Jacques: Why?
Samanosuke: That is the source of his Genma power!
Jacques: Good to know!
Nobunaga: Ah, so you know?  But even knowing that, it won't be enough to defeat me!
Samanosuke: And why's that?
Nobunaga: Cause even milk...has an expiration date *punches Samanosuke, he gets knocked out*
Jacques: ...ok, that analogy made absolutely no sense whatsoever...
Nobunaga: Now for the Western Barbarian from the future!
*The two engage in epic battle, note that Nobunaga ALSO has Ivy's sword, so we have two WHIP SWORD USERS going at it...ok, Jacques also has a ROPE FLAIL and Sword-chucks, but lets not get into that, Jacques comes out victorious*
Nobunaga: Beaten...by the Western Barbarian...good show *he falls into the flames*
Jacques: IS it over? *he gets engulfed i white light* ...yes, I can finally go home.
Ako: Yay!!!!!
Nobunaga: I'M NOT DEAD YET! SEE!?
Jacques: Oh shi-...
Nobunaga: And to prove it, I WILL KILL SAMANOSUKE! *He does so*
Jacques: NO!!!!! I must help! *gets teleported to his own time*

*back in France*
Jacques: Hey, I'm back...crap, I need to get back to Japan.
Henri: DADDY!!!!!!!!! *he tackles Jacques*
Samanosuke: Ah, Jacques, you've made it back! That must mean the Time Folder is in effect!
Jacques: Wait! I need to help you defeat Nobunaga of your time!
Samanosuke: No, I can deal with this on my own! Everything shall soon be where it belongs.
Jacques: Good luck!
Samanosuke: Indeed!  Oh, and you three will make a good family!
Ako: Later ^_^!
Jacques: (Thank god I won't be seeing HER again!)
*Samanosuke goes back to his own time*
Jacques: ...I was going to tell him that Nobunaga sort of killed himself there, and...holy shit, I'm speaking French again! And my accent is back!
Michelle: You know, I'd question how that's possible, but I think I've seen enough fucked up shit for the past 24 hours.
Jacques: Well, lets go home then!
Zombie Ranmaru: I'M NOT DEAD YET! IN FACT I'M STILL SO VERY MUCH ALIVE THAT I WILL PROVE IT THROUGH THIS ACT OF PURE VILLAINY AND EVIL AND *stabs Henri in the back* AHAHAHAHAAHAHAH SEE!?!?!?
Jacques: Henri! NO!!!! *beats the shit out of Zombie Ranmaru Effortlessly...again...*
Zombie Ranmaru: Curse you...Samanosuke...I won't forget this...in the depths of hell...even though I know I will be going to heaven...HEIL NOBUNAGA!
Jacques: Henri.  Speak to me, you can't die! *Oni Gauntlet flashes, heals Henri's wound, disappears*
Henri: Daddy!
Jacques: Henri!!!

*meanwhile, back in Japan*
Samanosuke: ...well, it looks like nothing has changed since I last left.  Things are still on fire, war going on, and *looks to his left* Oh! Ranmaru's even already dead!  Excellent!
*busts in*
Samanosuke: NOBUNAGA!!!!!!
Nobunaga: But...what...how...I killed...oh I get it, you're the OTHER Samanosuke...from like 20 minutes into the future, aren't you?
Samanosuke: Yeah, and for killing me I have one trick up my sleeve.
Nobunaga: You're not going to revive your dead self as a Zombie and then double team me? 
Samanosuke: ...no, not only is that morally wrong, but its also stupid.  I mean, who would revive a dead person as a Zombie?

*420 years in the future, just before Samanosuke gets warped in*
Skeletor: Aha! Arise, Ranmaru! You will be the perfect Henchman as...ZOMBIE RANMARU!!!!
Zombie Ranmaru: DIE SAMANOSUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Skeletor: ...ok, remove the "perfect" part...
*back to stuff that matters*

Nobunaga: Ok, good, so you think you can beat me when your past self failed?
Samanosuke: Yes...though, I'm not gonna take chances! *merges his Oni Gauntlet with his dead selves, and the two bodies become one, Samanosuke transforms into SUPER SEPHIROTH*
Nobunaga: ...you know, even though I know you're in some sort of invincible God Mode, I STILL THINK I HAVE A CHANCE!
*Samanosuke beats the shit out of Nobunaga for about 5 minutes*
Nobunaga: Can't you not see Samanosuke? Your friends die! For surely you cannot protect them now!
Samanosuke: You better have some sort of way to back up that threat, or I will be-...
*Nobunaga pulls off Demon Hax, his fortress of DOOM turns into one of those big surreal flying stone areas that only exist for big epic fights in the middle of spaceless voids, and Nobunaga himself transforms into SOUL CALIBUR'S NIGHTMARE*
Nobunaga: Now to beat you in a CHILDREN'S CARD GAME...WITH SWORDS!!!!!
Samanosuke: ...or we could just fight like normal people with super powers do.
Nobunaga: That works too!
*the two battle, epicness ensues, at some point, Sephiroth-Samanosuke gets the Soul Edge from Nightmare-Nobunaga, battle continues on, Sephiroth-Samanosuke wins!*
Nobunaga: I have been defeated...why? WHY CAN'T I WIN!?
Samanosuke: I'm going to assume that's a rhetorical question and just watch you die now.
Nobunaga: Fair enough. BUT MY MUSTACHE AND ITS EVIL WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON!
Samanosuke: ...I was afraid he'd say that...
*Nobunaga dies*

*sometime in the near future, Samanosuke is sitting by a river*
Samanosuke: Ah, peace at last, nothing can go wrong now.
Ako: HI SAMANOSUKE!!!!!
Samanosuke: ...NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Credits roll, but with ONE AFTER SCENE*
Hideoyoshi: Ah, Nobunaga has fallen, its time for a new era...one where I rule the Genma...for I have INHERITED HIS MUSTACHE MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

THE END