Bonus matches

[SnowFire]

Abuse of Illegal Substances in the Duelling League
by DjinnAndTonic

ADLEHYDE, FILGAIA - Recent debate over high-profile dueller, Cecilia Lynn Adlehyde's performance has fans of the RPG Duelling League (DL) wondering: Is illegal item-use getting to be a problem in the DL? The event's creators and managers have gone on record as clearly stating that 'common consumable item-use' is strictly prohibited in the tournament. But should that apply to duellers even when they aren't competing? Are they in danger of losing their high-dollar duelling endorsements?

"These men and women are role models for our impressionable children," said Valmar-possessed Pope of the Church of Granas and well-known item-less boss, Zera Innocentius, "[ I]f all PCs started doing this, there would be chaos! Delicious chaos!"

One Filgaian youth we interviewed stated that she used items 'all the time.' After a lengthy monologue about flying on her wings, she added, "And of -course- I share my items with my friends. Everybody's doing it." Another young Filgaian boy commented that 'stupid, untrustworthy adults' just didn't understand how kids felt these days - before sharing a Mega Berry(TM) with three of his friends.

The mother of one of the younger duellers new to the DL voiced her concerns, "I'm afraid he might be using. He and his girlfriend especially - they always have this glazed look on their faces... And [Yuki] won't stop talking about how he wants to 'fly in the sky'... [You'd have to be] a pretty bad mother not to notice those kinds of signs."

Part of the problem may be Filgaia's domestic policy on item-use. Princess Adlehyde is a well-known proponent of its widespread use, and regulations on the sale and distribution of Berries(TM) are lax in the region.  But while recreational item use may be a cultural norm for Filgaians, it isn't always palatable to other participants of the interdimensional DL event.

And Filgaians are not the only competitors who manage to skirt the edges of the DL's strict policy against illegal substance abuse. One concerned DL father, Maxim, stated, "There's this disturbing trend of young duellers shooting themselves in the head and using Potions or what-have-you on A.I. like it was part of their god-given -skillsets-!"

Questioned about his own use of performance-enhancing substances, the DL father replied "Hey, I limit my item-use only to unique pieces in my inventory... and even then, I only ever use once or twice during an event. ...and I never -touch- consumables!" He ended his indignant interview with, "I have to set a good example for my descendants."

Another high-profile dueller and well-known estranged father, Shadow, had no comment when asked about his questionable use of consumables as his main offense in the League.

"Mixing a few chemicals together to get through a hard, cold night in the Dungeon... it's perfectly understandable," one Asgardian competitor said in defense of his impugned sportsmanship. "It's not like I'd bring an Angel Curio to a match or anything."

The Loire Administration in Esthar issued a Press Release citing the President Laguna Loire's "deep concern" over an "apparent double-standard" caused by the "lack of disciplinary action" against these item users.  When called for clarification, the President expressed outrage:  "We're expected to 'play by the rules' imposed upon us by the DL authorities due to 'customization concerns', stringently enforced by the way, and expected to sit back as these outlaws defame the spirit of the DL with their 'Item Use'?  How fair and balanced is that?"  The President seemed about to comment further, but his aide Kiros ended the call.  Further calls were returned only with requests to refer only to the original press release.

But where will the abuse end? One underage Wingly dueller who lists her occupation ostensibly as 'dancer' stated that she wished she could use items in the tournament. "Where I'm from, Item-use is just part of daily life. And you certainly can't compete without it. As a mage... [using item-cast spells] is just how I'm built."

As a devout Spiran Blitzball athlete and recent father himself, Wakka had this to say: "We really need to have some perspective on this, y'know? Spamming Al-Bhed Potions off a washed-up summoner's stomach in a dark alley or a bad sequel somewhere... is that really the kind of future you want for your kids?"

So, loyal DL sports-fans, what are your thoughts on item-use among DL competitors? Your 'letters to the editor' can really make a difference!

----

I'm For Item Use! (I want to corrupt children and destroy society.)
I'm Against Item Use! (I'm a cultural imperialist who hates Freedom, Justice, and the Filgaian way.)

[Jo'ou Ranbu]

Abuse of Illegal Substances in the Duelling League
by DjinnAndTonic

ADLEHYDE, FILGAIA - A recent debate over high-profile dueller Cecilia Lynn Adlehyde's performance has left fans of the RPG Duelling League (DL) wondering: is illegal item-use getting to be a problem in the DL? The creators and managers of the following event have gone on record as clearly stating that 'common consumable item-use' is strictly prohibited in the tournament. But should that apply to duellers even when they aren't competing? Are they in danger of losing their high-dollar duelling endorsements?

"These men and women are role models for our impressionable children," said Valmar-possessed Pope of the Church of Granas and well-known itemless boss, Zera Innocentius, "If all PCs started doing this, there would be chaos! Delicious chaos!"

One Filgaian youth we interviewed stated that she used items 'all the time.' After a lengthy monologue about spreading her wings, she added, "And of -course- I share my items with my friends. Everybody's doing it." Another young Filgaian boy commented that 'stupid, untrustworthy adults' just didn't understand how kids felt these days', just before sharing a Mega Berry(TM) with three of his friends.

The mother of one of the younger duellers new to the DL voiced her concerns, "I'm afraid he might be using them. He and his girlfriend especially - they always have this glazed look on their faces... And [Yuki] won't stop talking about how he wants to 'fly in the sky'... [You'd have to be] a pretty bad mother not to notice those kinds of signs."

Part of the problem may be Filgaia's domestic policy on item use. Princess Adlehyde is a well-known proponent of its widespread utility applications, and regulations on the sale and distribution of Berries(TM) are lax in the region. But while recreational item use may be a cultural norm for Filgaians, it isn't always palatable to other participants of the interdimensional DL event.

And Filgaians are not the only competitors who manage to skirt the edges of the DL's strict policy against illegal substance abuse. One concerned DL father, Maxim, stated, "There's this disturbing trend of young duellers shooting themselves in the head and using Potions or what-have-you on A.I. like it was part of their god-given -skillsets-!"

Questioned about his own use of performance-enhancing substances, the DL father replied "Hey, I limit my item-use only to unique pieces in my inventory... and even then, I only ever use them once or twice during an event! And ...and I never -touch- consumables!" He ended his indignant interview with, "I have to set a good example for my descendants."

Another high-profile dueller and well-known estranged father, Shadow, had no comment when asked about his questionable use of consumables as his main offense in the League.

"Mixing a few chemicals together to get through a hard, cold night in the Dungeon... it's perfectly understandable," one Asgardian competitor said in defense of his impugned sportsmanship. "It's not like I'd bring an Angel Curio to a match or anything."

The Loire Administration in Esthar issued a Press Release citing the President Laguna Loire's "deep concern" over an "apparent double-standard" caused by the "lack of disciplinary action" against these item users. When called for clarification, the President expressed outrage: "We're expected to 'play by the rules' imposed upon us by the DL authorities due to 'customization concerns', stringently enforced by the way, and expected to sit back as these outlaws defame the spirit of the DL with their 'Item Use'? How fair and balanced is that?" The President seemed about to comment further, but his aide Kiros ended the call. Further calls were returned only with requests to refer only to the original press release.

But where will the abuse end? One underage Wingly dueller who lists her occupation ostensibly as 'dancer' stated that she wished she could use items in the tournament. "Where I'm from, item-use is just part of daily life. And you certainly can't compete without it. As a mage... [using item-cast spells] is just how I'm built."

As a devout Spiran Blitzball athlete and recent father himself, Wakka had this to say: "We really need to have some perspective on this, y'know? Spamming Al-Bhed Potions off a washed-up summoner's stomach in a dark alley or a bad sequel somewhere... is that really the kind of future you want for your kids?"

So, loyal DL sports-fans, what are your thoughts on item-use among DL competitors? Your 'letters to the editor' can really make a difference!

----

I'm For Item Use! (I want to corrupt children and destroy society.)
I'm Against Item Use! (I'm a cultural imperialist who hates Freedom, Justice, and the Filgaian way.)

[SnowFire]

The Wild Rose: Isn't it ROMANTIC!?
-Meeplelard

It was a nice day at Mobliz, even given that the place was still a complete wreck.  Sill, this tranquil moment of a peacefulness in a ruined city of nothing but kids... er...  okay, that makes no sense.  Let's just say Seifer and Raijin decided to come and cause trouble.

"Yo, Seifer, why are we here again?  I mean, there's nothing but kids here, ya know?"

"Cause I'm pissed, that's why!  Finally get a break from that damn job, and I need to take my anger out on something, so why not take candy from some kids?"

"Yeah, but Fuijin's not here, ya know? I mean, wouldn't it have made more sense to wait for her to finish the season, ya know?"  Raijin responded.

"Shut up! Besides, if I stick around too much longer, that Norgard Defense Force might actually recruit me, and they don't take no for an answer!"

(Actually, they do, just the consequences involve Vaynard declaring war on you right after.  Nevermind that being forced to oppose the NDF is not exactly a threat, but that's neither here nor there.)

"Besides...hey, there's a kid, let's go pick on him!" Seifer said, fixing his skull cap.  Yes, he's wearing that outfit, and no one is gonna question this either.  "Raijin, you're first!"

It is perhaps best we do not explore in depth the next scene.  Raijin in a deadly verbal duel with a 6 year old NPC is perhaps the dumbest thing lately outside of conversations involving "I like swords."  Skipping to the dramatic finale...

"Damn it kid! Give me your lunch money, or, something!  Ya know!"

"I don't have any! I told you this!  If you keep bothering me, I'll tell mama on you!"

"Ha!" Seifer interjected.  "Kid, I know who your 'mama' is, and she's not gonna be here for a while!"

"...really?" said Raijin

"Yeah, same reasons as Fuijin, busy fighting last week.  Why do you think of all the orphanages, I chose THIS dump?"

"I thought it was the location, ya know."

Given the lack of Fuijin to kick Raijin in the shins, Seifer decided to take the abuse into his hands for once, and donning a blue foam bat, smacked Raijin over the head, knocking him down.  Seifer then turned to the child - "Let that be undeniable proof of how much I can own you, kid!"

Seifer started laughing... only to be interrupted by a shining arrow brushing his face (which happened to hit Raijin as he was standing up, pinning him into a nearby tree.)

"You who would pick on poor defenseless children, you have no justice! No dreams of beauty!" said a shadowy figure standing on the rooftop.  "For you shall know that so long as there are dreams, I will always stand tall."  The shadows pasted revealing a white haired man dressed in blue armor, a bandana, and what looked like 6 different weapons.   "For I am Firion, the Wild Rose of Fynn!"

"Dreams? Beauty! HA! Isn't THAT ROMANTIC!  I have my own beautiful dreams and you won't stop them!" Seifer responded as Firion jumped off the roof.  "You'll see, I'm every much a master at fishing as rap music!  And what the hell are you doing here anyway? I don't remember hearing about any 'Wild Rose' in this place!"

"Oh, see, I'm a good friend of Cloud's, who happens to be a good friend of the girl who runs this place, so..."

"...god damn cross overs.  BAH! I'll totally own you in this next fight!" Seifer said, fixing his skull cap, throwing away his struggle bat and actually pulling out his Gunblade.  "For I am the Sorceress' Knight! You can't beat me!"

And so, an epic duel of ROMANTIC DREAMS shall transpire!  Who will win between the symbolic WILD ROSE and...uh...THE SKULL CAP OF LOUDMOUTHNESS.

-A Wild Rose always blooms brighter; that, and 7 weapons are better than one.
-Seifer pulls an upset!  This Rose twerp is humiliated.

[SnowFire]

Reminder: Use this one this week (since it got lost in the shuffle last week).

[Jo'ou Ranbu]

The Wild Rose: Isn't it ROMANTIC!?
-Meeplelard

It was a nice day at Mobliz, even given that the place was still a complete wreck. Sill, such a tranquil moment in a ruined city, inhabited solely bykids... er...  okay, that makes no sense. Let's just say Seifer and Raijin decided to pick on a bunch of kindergarteners.

"Yo, Seifer, why are we here again? I mean, there's nothing but kids here, ya know?"

"Cause I'm pissed, that's why! Finally got a break from that damn job, and I need to blow some steam on something, so why not take candy from some kids?"

"Yeah, but Fujin's not here, ya know? I mean, wouldn't it have made more sense to wait for her to finish the season, ya know?", Raijin responded.

"Shut up! Besides, if I stick around too much longer, that Norgard Defense Force might actually recruit me, and they don't take no for an answer!"

(WORD OF GOD'S NOTE: Actually, they do. Problem is that the consequences involve Vaynard declaring war on you right afterwards. Nevermind that being forced to oppose the NDF is not exactly a threat, but that's neither here nor there, it's still annoying.)

"Besides... hey, there's a kid, let's go pick on him!", Seifer yelled, fixing his skull cap with a defiant smile. (ANOTHER NOTE FROM THE WORD OF GOD: yes, he's wearing that outfit, and no one is gonna question this either. Go figure) "Raijin, you're first!"

It is perhaps best we do not explore in depth the next scene. Raijin in a deadly verbal duel with a 6 year old NPC is perhaps the dumbest thing lately outside of conversations involving "I like swords", not to mention it'd be embarassing for the kid to even be shown having to deal with the big ape. Skipping to the dramatic finale...

"Damn it kid! Give me your lunch money, or, something! Ya know!"

"I don't have any! I told you this! If you keep bothering me, I'll tell mama on you!"

"Ha!", Seifer interjected. "Kid, I know who your 'mama' is, and she's not gonna be here for a while!"

"...really?", said Raijin

"Yeah, same reasons as Fuijin, busy fighting last week. Why do you think of all the orphanages, I chose THIS dump?"

"I thought it was the location, ya know."

Given the lack of Fuijin to kick Raijin in the shins, Seifer decided to take the abuse into his hands for once. Donning a blue foam bat out of thin air, the blonde ruffian smacked Raijin over the head, knocking him down. Seifer then turned to the child - "Let that be undeniable proof of how much I can own you, kid!"

Seifer started laughing... only to be interrupted by a shining arrow brushing his face (which happened to hit Raijin as he was standing up, pinning him into a nearby tree).

"You who would pick on poor defenseless children, you have no justice! No dreams of beauty!" said a shadowy figure standing on the rooftop. "For you shall know that so long as there are dreams, I will always stand tall!" 

The shadows pasted revealing a fabulous white-haired man dressed in blue armor, a bandana, and what looked like 6 different weapons. "For I am Firion, the Wild Rose of Fynn!"

"Dreams? Beauty! HA! Isn't THAT ROMANTIC! I have my own beautiful dreams and you won't stop them!", Seifer responded as Firion jumped off the roof. 

 "You'll see, I'm as much a master at fishing as I'm a master of rap music! And what the hell are you doing here anyway? I don't remember hearing about any 'Wild Rose' in this place!"

"Oh, see, I'm a good friend of Cloud's, who happens to be a good friend of the girl who runs this place, so..."

"...god damn crossovers. BAH! I'll totally own you in this next fight!", Seifer yelled angrily, fixing his skull cap, throwing away his struggle bat and actually pulling out his Gunblade. "For I am the Sorceress' Knight! You can't beat me!"

And so, an epic duel of ROMANTIC DREAMS shall transpire! Who will win between the symbolic WILD ROSE and... uh... THE SKULL CAP OF LOUDMOUTHNESS!?

- A Wild Rose always blooms brighter; that, and 7 weapons are better than one.
- Seifer pulls an upset! This Rose twerp is humiliated.

[Taishyr]

All Power Unleashed - First Fight: Remilia Scarlet vs. Myria
By: Taishyr (on request)


As per the request of the lady Remilia Scarlet, she now faces off against Myria in a no-holds barred battle for the title of strongest woman fighter; indeed, both will be giving it their all to fell their opponents today and add yet another title to their quite impressive repertoires. Myria is a dueler we are all familiar with; her vast strength, multiple forms and endless durability make her a tank to be reckoned with, and her speed is intimidating to most all fighters in the Dueling league. Indeed, aside from a few specialized cases, she has reigned supreme in Godlike for many seasons...

...but Remilia Scarlet is hardly your ordinary fighter herself. Being a vampire alone grants her inhuman strength and power, not to mention a blistering speed, which she uses to devastating effect; in addition, she possesses a second power as a youkai of Gensokyo - the power to control fate itself to her preferred conclusion. While Myria, as a goddess, is quite unlikely to be felled by a direct use of this, it's possible that tugging the odds in her favor will provide Remilia the chance to edge out her competition. With her mighty Spear the Gungnir, she'll be sure to make this a match for the ages, no matter the results!

So, who will it be? Goddess or demon? The power of creation or the manipulation of fate? Who shall triumph in this battle of the ages?

- Myria sends Remilia packing, defending the DL from the invasion
- Remilia defeats Myria, leaving the fate of the DL in her hands

[SnowFire]

Meeplelard made one of the better bonus matches on this topic right when it was relevant, but the people in charge of bonus matches at the time never posted it.  Blatantly based on roughly the same idea, but went a slightly different direction with it.

The Champion Returns
by SnowFire

<i>Tick.</i>

Cloud was confused.  This section of Midgar was unfamiliar to him...  strange, constricting, closed in.  As if new construction had sprung up to the sides suddenly.  Was this some special project of Reeve's?  It seemed unusually... colorful, as well.

<i>Tick.</i>

"No exit this way, either."  Yuna had returned from her very short scouting mission.  "There used to be a Sector exit there, I'm sure, but it's completely covered by other buildings now.  If we could even find it it's likely closed as well.  Somebody wants to keep us here."

<i>Tick.</i>

"Huh...   there we go."  Squall had been fiddling with a radio that had been rather bizarrely lying in the street, screeching static.  "I think I've found the signal...  there."  The static faded, becoming...  tinny, vaguely Russian music?

<i>Tick.</i>

"That's odd, as well."  Yuna had stood to one side to get a better view.  "See that building over there, the shorter one with only two stories?  It looks like there's some shadow coming across the helipad on top...  but...  what could be causing it?"

They looked up.  And saw their foe.  Huge.  Inexorable.  An ancient evil, from the era of the legendary plumber Mario.

Squall grimaced.  "There must be a way to stop it &mdash; before it's too late."

<i>Tick.</i>

* The L-Block ruthlessly crushes Our Heroes.  It is invincible.
* Cloud, Squall, and Yuna find some way to escape.

[Taishyr]

A few quick edits to it while I'm idling for the remaining writeups.


The Champion Returns
by SnowFire

<i>Tick.</i>

Cloud was confused. This section of Midgar was unfamiliar to him...  strange, constricting, closed in. As if new construction had sprung up to the sides suddenly. Was this some special project of Reeve's. It seemed unusually... colorful, as well.

<i>Tick.</i>

"No exit this way, either." Yuna had returned from her very short scouting mission. "There used to be a Sector exit there, I'm sure, but it's completely covered by other buildings now. If we could even find it it's likely closed as well. Somebody wants to keep us here."

<i>Tick.</i>

"Huh... there we go." Squall had been fiddling with a radio that had been rather bizarrely lying in the street, screeching static. "I think I've found the signal... there." The static faded, becoming... tinny, vaguely Russian music?

<i>Tick.</i>

"That's odd, as well." Yuna had stood to one side to get a better view. "See that building over there, the shorter one with only two stories? It looks like there's some shadow coming across the helipad on top... but... what could be causing it?"

They looked up. And saw their foe. Huge. Inexorable. An ancient evil, from the era of the legendary plumber Mario.

Squall grimaced. "There must be a way to stop it - before it's too late."

<i>Tick.</i>

* The L-Block ruthlessly crushes Our Heroes. It is invincible.
* Cloud, Squall, and Yuna find some way to escape.

[SnowFire]

Equity Friends South: More Intelligent than Red Hair and Goggles Combo
-Meeplelard

It was a...usually villainy scenery in the utterly generic villains secret hideout...which wasn't a secret cause there were big flashing letters saying "Evil Villain Hide Out Here.  Open House ever Tuesday at 6!"  but that's not the point!  In his comfortably EVIL chair sat the EVIL leader of a most EVIL army whose name no one actually remembers cause it was EVILY generic, Baal!

Planning his next EVIL scheme, as his original one was thwarted by an adventurous brat who wasn't EVIL with red hair, he was at a loss of ideas, cause most weren't EVIL enough.  Until he struck upon one...

"I got it! My next EVIL idea!  I will set up the biggest telemarketing scam ever!  Mwahahah! Everyone will be so annoyed that I can easily take over the world with my EVIL ambitions from there!!!" There was EVIL laughter for a good 5 minutes from here on in...but the EVIL laughter was interrupted by an unexpected opponent...

"Your days are done, EVIL ruler of..." the voice paused followed by a softer voice seem to be speaking to something else "...wait, just what does he rule over again?"

"Does it matter?  Let's just bust in with our entrances and beat the crap out of him like we always do," followed another, more feminine voice.

"Psyduck..."

"Anywho...EVIL DOER BEWARE!  For you have met your match!  Team assemble!!"

"From the mysterious and secretive arts of Brazil, it is, THE SEPTUAGENARIAN NINJA!" said Frank as he revealed himself from another very obvious American flag towel that was meant to blend in but didn't.

"In the name of the Tepes, it is I, BALLERINA MASK!" said Hilda as she appeared as a Bat, then transforming instantly into her slim state.

"Wielder of the sacred light, come forth, Le Stallion Magnifique, for I am...LADY LIGHTBRINGER!" said L'Arachel, coming in from yet ANOTHER illogical (but still breathtaking) sunset.

"And of course, leader of our little band of...uhh..."  Zed paused, and checked the script.  "Oh, right, HEROES! I am...MONSTER Z!!!!"

"PSYDUCK!!!"

"Alright, well done everyone!" said Zed to the rest of his crew...

"Wait! We're missing one member! Our newest one! Where could he be?" L'Arachel said...

"AHAHAHAHA! The right arm of JUSTICE is never late! It always appears when you least expect it!  Behold, for I am...THE DEFENDER OF JUSTICE!" shouted Flay, who was standing behind Baal, even though there was absolutely no way he could have snuck behind him without being noticed, appearing spontaneously...and of course, wearing a silly mask.

"...well, I guess that answers that.  Though, Defender of Justice, for our routine, you think you could time it a little closer to ours?" said Ballerina Mask.

"Justice has many faces! How it chooses to show itself matters not!" Flay responded.

"...yeah, I'll buy that logic."

"Psyduck..."

"STOP IGNORING ME YOU SIMPLETONS! Do you not know who stand before? I am the EVIL!!! Baal!" Baal shouted, with a big EVIL explosion behind him.  This was followed by what appeared to be a tumbleweed blow across the floor.

"So...uhh...yeah, you have an EVIL plan, right?"  Zed said.

"Of course I do! It is the most EVIL plan ever!"

"And what might that EVIL plan be?"  responded the heroic princess.

"HA! The power of Telemarketing will be used to my advantage!  With the power of the phone system on my side, NOTHING SHALL STOP ME!" Baal responded.

"Truly, that is an EVIL deed, and it must be stopped!  I cannot stand for such actions!" Frank said, posing in something that very much not fitting.

"Using means of communication to do your evil doing? The power of JUSTICE shall strike you down, or I am not the DEFENDER JUSTICE!!!" Flay stated.

"...yeah, what those two guys said.  Besides, there's one last thing we haven't told you!" Monster Z said to Baal.

"And what EVIL thing might that be!?"

In unison they all shouted "We are...EQUITY FRIENDS SOUTH!!!!" followed immediately by a "PSYDUCK!!!"

---

At the Al Revis Academy, a certain young white haired alchemist was met by a scantily dressed girl and a robot.

"So wait, you guys are part of a super hero organization?" Vayne said, somewhat shocked.

"BLEEP BLEEP BLIP BLEEP.  THAT IS CORRECT."

"And you've been selected to become an honorary member of our second branch!" responded Jennifer.

"...this isn't something I take much pride in, and...how did you guys know about me anyway?"

"BLEEP BLOOP DEFENDER OF JUSTICE. BLIP."

"...I see..." Vayne said, looking towards his shoulder, holding his arm, in his usual embarrassed stance.  Sighing, he knew there was no real point in declining the offer, as Flay would find some other way to make him join.  "I suppose it beats being an actual member..."

---

Will the Equity Friends South stop the EVIL plan concocted by Baal?  Will Baal's most nefarious of all deeds help him take over the world?  Will Flay ever agree to get the routine right for the sake of justice?  And just what does being an "Honorary' member of these outstanding heroes mean anyway?

Tune in next time for...EQUITY FRIENDS SOUTH!!!!

-The Equity Friends South crush the opposition, proving that Justice Prevails once again!
-Baal's "phony" scheme is too EVIL!!!! to be stopped, the EFS are forced to retreat
-Reinforcements are called in; Flay forces Vayne to help despite being on the opposite side of the world
-Super Equity Friends make a surprise appearance, and Baal sort of just loses...miserably...

[Jo'ou Ranbu]

Equity Friends South: More Intelligent than Red Hair and Goggles Combo
-Meeplelard

It was a... usually villainy scenery in the utterly generic villains secret hideout... which wasn't really a secret 'cause there were big flashing letters saying "Evil Villain Hideout Here! Open House every Tuesday at 6!",  but that's neither here or there. In his comfortably EVIL chair, sat the EVIL leader of a most EVIL army whose name no one actually remembers because it was EVILY generic - Baal!

(If you don't recognize his name, don't worry, that's normal.)

Planning his next EVIL scheme, as his original one was thwarted by an adventurous brat who wasn't EVIL and who had red hair, he was at a loss of ideas. Mostly because they weren't EVIL enough. Until he struck upon a golden bullion of a thought...

"I got it! My next EVIL idea! I will set up the biggest telemarketing scam ever! Mwahahah! Everyone will be so annoyed that I can easily take over the world with my EVIL ambitions from there!!!"

There was EVIL laughter for a good 5 minutes from here on in... but the EVIL laughter was interrupted by an unexpected opponent!

"Your days are done, EVIL ruler of..."

The voice paused dramatically, followed by a softer voice that seemed to be speaking to something else.

"...wait, just what does he rule over again?"

"Does it matter? Let's just bust in with our entrances and beat the crap out of him like we always do," followed another, more feminine voice.

"Psyduck..."

"Anywho...EVILDOER BEWARE! For you have met your match! Team assemble!!"

"From the mysterious and secretive land of Brazil, it is, THE SEPTUAGENARIAN NINJA!" Frank yelled as he revealed himself from another very obvious American flag towel that was meant to blend in - but obviously didn't.

"In the name of the Tepes, it is I, BALLERINA MASK!" Said a  twirling Hilda Valentine as she appeared as a Bat, then transforming instantly into her slim, fabulous state.

"Wielder of the sacred light, come forth, Le Stallion Magnifique, for I am...LADY LIGHTBRINGER!" said L'Arachel, coming in from yet ANOTHER illogical (but still breathtaking!) sunset.

"And of course, leader of our little band of...uhh..."  Zed paused, and checked the script.  "Oh, right, HEROES! I am...MONSTER Z!!!!"

"PSYDUCK!!!"

"Alright, well done everyone!", said Zed to the rest of his crew...

"Wait! We're missing one member! Our newest one! Where could he be?" L'Arachel said...

"AHAHAHAHA! The right arm of JUSTICE is never late! It always appears when you least expect it!  Behold, for I am... THE DEFENDER OF JUSTICE!", shouted Flay, who was standing behind Baal, even though there was absolutely no way he could have snuck behind him without being noticed, appearing spontaneously... and of course, wearing a silly mask.

"...well, I guess that answers that. Though, Defender of Justice, for our routine, you think you could time it a little closer to ours?", Ballerina Mask deadpanned.

"Justice has many faces! How it chooses to show itself matters not!" Flay responded.

"...yeah, I'll buy that logic."

"Psyduck..."

"STOP IGNORING ME YOU SIMPLETONS! Do you not know who stand before? I am the EVIL!!! Baal!" Baal shouted, with a big EVIL explosion behind him.  This was followed by what appeared to be a tumbleweed blow across the floor.

"So... uhh... yeah, you have an EVIL plan, right?",  Zed said.

"Of course I do! It is the most EVIL plan ever!"

"And what might that EVIL plan be?", the heroic princess asked.

"HA! The power of Telemarketing will be used to my advantage! With the power of the phone system on my side, NOTHING SHALL STOP ME!"

"Truly, that is an EVIL deed, and it must be stopped! I cannot stand for such actions!", Frank said, making a pose that is best not described.

"Using means of communication to do your evil doing? The power of JUSTICE shall strike you down, or I am not the DEFENDER JUSTICE!!!", Flay stated.

"...yeah, what those two guys said.  Besides, there's one last thing we haven't told you!" Monster Z said to Baal.

"And what EVIL thing might that be!?"

In unison they all shouted "We are...EQUITY FRIENDS SOUTH!!!!" followed immediately by a "PSYDUCK!!!"

---

At the Al Revis Academy, a certain young white-haired alchemist was met by a scantily dressed girl and a robot.

"So wait, you guys are part of a super hero organization?" Vayne said, somewhat shocked.

"BLEEP BLEEP BLIP BLEEP.  THAT IS CORRECT."

"And you've been selected to become an honorary member of our second branch!" responded Jennifer.

"...this isn't something I take much pride in, and... how did you guys know about me anyway?"

"BLEEP BLOOP DEFENDER OF JUSTICE. BLIP."

"...I see..." Vayne said, looking towards his shoulder, holding his arm, in his usual embarassed stance. Sighing, he knew there was no real point in declining the offer, as Flay would find some other way to make him join. "I suppose it beats being an actual member..."

---

Will the Equity Friends South stop the EVIL plan concocted by Baal? Will Baal's most nefarious of all deeds help him take over the world? Will Flay ever agree to get the routine right for the sake of justice? And just what does being an "Honorary' member of these outstanding heroes mean anyway?

Tune in next time for... EQUITY FRIENDS SOUTH!!!!

-The Equity Friends South crush the opposition, proving that Justice Prevails once again!
-Baal's "phony" scheme is too EVIL!!!! to be stopped, the EFS are forced to retreat
-Reinforcements are called in; Flay forces Vayne to help despite being on the opposite side of the world
-The Super Equity Friends make a surprise appearance, and Baal sort of just loses... miserably...

[SnowFire]

The Wyrm and the Queen
by Lezard Valeth

It had to happen sometime. A new arena is built to accommodate an unusually destructive unranked duellists match. Due to the amount of firepower the contestant possesses the management decides to construct the stadium from some of the strongest material in the universe such as Adamantin and Mythril.  Somewhat unorthodox normally but when one considers that this arena is meant for contestants who can't be judged due to their strength its understandable.

This match is best described as 'destructive.' The two contestants are legendary dying superdragon Ryu 5 from Breath of Fire 5 and legendary superboss Ethereal/ Iseria Queen from Tri-Ace's games.

Both are known for their power. Ryu 5's nigh invincibility and deadly dragon breath face off against the Ethereal Queen's party-slaying Cosmic Spears.  Needless to say both are eager to prove which one of them is superior.

---

"So why have you decided to host this now, Nate?"

"Well, Chisato when you have some of them suddenly appearing at your office demanding this kind of match you can see how this match will generate a very handsome profit", Nate replied.

To this Chisato replied, "You mean threatening to de-atomize you?"
"Oh, hush."

"And we won't get even a cent of it right?"

"Well, you're a janitor Odin. Why should I pay you even a dime? Enough of this just go cover the match will you, Chisato? Oh, and Odin," asked Nate?

"Yes boss."

"Use Gungnir instead of the usual mop. I have a feeling it will be a very bloody mess."

---

    * Ryu 5 incinerates both the Queen, and then incinerates her corpse for fun after.
    * The Ethereal Queen shows who's in charge.

[SnowFire]

Ivalice Fortress 2
by SnowFire

Mustadio only had to take one look at his monitors to see the truth.  "Somebody's sapping my robot."  But it was far too late, of course.  By the time he reached the adjoining room, Worker 8's circuits were a shorted mess, and his limbs lay strewn about the floor.  The teleporter to the subterranean Murond looked out of commission, as well.  The saboteur had done his work well; this'd require hours to fix back up.

But there was no time now; Ramza had been very clear that Mustadio needed to "get on the point" and guard the bottom level of the Monastery from falling to Glabados forces while Ramza's team was indisposed.  So back to the control point it was for Mustadio, but - wait, he's back already?

"Ramza?  What are you doing back so soon?  I thought the teleporter was out!"

Ramza paused for a moment, flicking some ash to the side from his cigarette before answering.  "Had to warn you.  I've heard word that the Church has hired a spy.  Could be a problem for us."

Mustadio wasn't surprised.  That'd explain the sabotage.  "Go on."

"Yeah, it's problematic.  Balmafula's busy with Delita, so they hired from abroad.  Got a Treasure Hunter by the name of Locke, according to my info.  He's incredibly handsome, talented, and dangerous.  Only weakness is that he likes to boast a bit rather than do the job immediately.  His scariest talent?  He can steal someone's clothes, and then mimic their movements *perfectly*.  Why, he could even be in this room right now."

Mustadio was worried.  A disguised thief-saboteur-spy?  Could be trouble.  Now, if only he could figure out who, and solve this puzzle in time...

* Mustadio the Engineer Arm-Aims our imposter then headshots him.
* Locke the Spy shows off his Valiant Knife backstab, then steals Mustadio's clothes.

[SnowFire]

Puny Cup: Round 1
by Sir Donald

It's not about Kings, Queens, or Emperors, Dark Gods, or gil or mithril.

It's not about Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Dragons, Ogres, Imps, or Robots.

It's not about Swords, Shields, Staves, Spears, or Sidearms.

It's not about Earth, Fire, Ice, Wind, Water, Heart, Nature, Earthquakes, or Lightning.

It's not about Black Mage, White Mage, Red Mage, Blue Mage, One Mage, Two Mages, Sages, Rages, or Summoners.

It's not about Eidolons, ESPers, Psychic-Types, Dark-Types, Dark-Knights, Magic Knights, Starry Nights, or Knights of the Round.

It's not about Oriental or Occidental.  Medieval or Modern or Post-Modern.  War or Peace.  Love freaks or embodiments of hate.  Magic or Science or just plain Fisticuffs.

This is about the one season!  Where we All! Agree! On one Thing!

*record scratch* "Man these guys suck."

<b>Preliminary Match #1</b>
Under most circumstances, the sight of an extremely cute dog should move any person away from violence.

Of course, when we're talking about Augst, that's not saying much.

Still, things could be worse.  He could be facing a certain Hamster instead of a Suikodog.

<b>Preliminary Match #2</b>
One a Gypsy, the other a Songstress.  Otherwise quite similar:  supporters who don't seem to do anything.

But enough about Nara and Luna.  This is the Puny Cup!

Both Lucia and Shiho have been in 3 Seasons.  Yes, that Shiho.  The Shiho who turned a tub of lard... ok, so Palmer was a laughingstock already.  But she just made him even worse in that regard.

Lucia... well, we can say she smells good at least.

<hr/>
Twelve Punies!  One League Watching!  (And jeering.)

Welcome!  To the 2010 Puny Cup! 

One match changes... not much.  But it makes the winners feel good.  And the losers, well... not.

WA4 Augst vs S3 Connie

SH2 Lucia vs VP1 Shiho

* Augst and Lucia??!
* Augst and Shiho?!?
* Connie and Lucia!!?
* Connie and Shiho!?!

[SnowFire]

Puny Cup: Round 2
by Sir Donald

<b>Preliminary Match #3</b>
We actually have a Shaking Rematch slated!

Yumei and Peppor met back in Season 27.  And the mermaid shook her way to victory.  By six shaking votes out of eighty-six.

Have the seasons changed the seasonings?  Will Peppor get his shaking revenge?

By the way, I prefer Swiss Cake Rolls.

<b>Preliminary Match #4</b>
Here we have a tale of two careers.

On the one side, you have Alanis.  Who was featured in only one season.  She lost to Chisato Madison... and won against Cinna.  Basically both sides of the Light scale... except that Chisato's now a Middle.  Talk about not getting a proper shot.

On the other, we have Kongol, who also had one win... back in the first week of the DL.  Out of his four losses, one has been against an eventual Middle... and two have been against the same eventual Heavy!  Again, talk about not getting a proper shot.

So now they both get to fight against someone their own size.  And that's what the Puny Cup is all about!

<hr/>
Twelve Punies!  One League Watching!  (And jeering.)

The 2010 Puny Cup.

Yumei vs Peppor

Alanis vs Kongol

* Yumei and Alanis!
* Yumei et Kongol!
* ¡Peppor y Alanis!
* Peppor und Kongol!

[SnowFire]

Puny Cup Week 3:  The end of the Preliminaries

Match #5
After taming a tactical mastermind without fighting prowess, Connie faces... a tactical buffon with little fighting prowess.

On the other hand, Zahhak has no qualms burning down residences, warehouses, farmhouses, henhouses, outhouses... and doghouses if they get in his way.

This should be interesting.


Match #6
Two weeks ago, we learned that smell beat song, but barely.  Also, back in Season 43, we learned that Jokes trumped the harp, so it's a good thing that Shiho was edged out.  Can the Gypsy of Florence divine her way past the High Priest of the Church of Bad Jokes?


Twelve Punies!  One League Jeering!  The 2010 Puny Cup!

Connie vs Zahhak
Lucia vs Raja

* Connie and Lucia!
* Connie and Raja!
* Zahhak and Lucia!
* Zahhak and Raja!

[SnowFire]

Puny Cup Week 4
by Sir Donald

<b>Losers' Match</b>
And now, the two that lost in Week 1 meet.  One a tactical genius who can't fight, the other a songstress who got lucky against a tub of lard.

Interesting how opinions dip after a loss in the Puny Cup.

Yeah, I've got nothing else.  Let's move on.

<b>The Match of the Decade!</b> (minus two years)
For ages on end, the Duelling League has marveled at these two.

One, a nice comedic actor.

The other, a warrior with the perfect unity of stats.

Oh sure, Sephiroth, Fou-Lu, Magical Emperor Ghaleon, they all have their fans.  But when either of these two take the stage, everyone cheers!

And now, for the first, and likely only, time, they are here together, for your viewing pleasure.

The Fool and the Hamster.  Who will win this clash of the... er... amoebae?

Augst vs Shiho
Cinna vs Jogurt

* Augst and Cinna?
* Augst and Jogurt??
* Shiho and Cinna???
* Shiho and Jogurt?

[SnowFire]

Puny Cup:  The Semis
by Sir Donald

And now we come into the semifinals of the Puny Cup.  The truly weak have been culled, leaving us with... the somewhat weak.

On the bright side, it's an all girls semi.


<b>Semifinal 1</b>
In our first match, Connie the wonder dog goes up against a freezing tuna.

Apparently, the writing staff (of one) can't decide on whether Yumei is a mermaid or a chicken.  So they settled on calling her a "Chicken of the Sea".

I had better move on before my Soul is purified.  Yes, it is weird.

<b>Semifinal 2</b>
And in the other match, A young wielder of a Fire Rune comes up against a Gypsy that also uses scented attacks.  Too bad they scents the latter emits are not the type that fire is usually useful against.

But hey, at least smoke can mask pleasant smells too.  Too bad the gypsy has a fan.  (Only one?)

Elements or Flavors?  Who will win the day?

Yumei vs Connie
Alanis vs Lucia

The Puny Cup.  One match changes... not much really.

* Yumei and Alanis?
* Yumei and Lucia??
* Connie and Alanis???
* Connie and Lucia????
----

[SnowFire]

Puny Cup:  The Off Week
by Sir Donald

So the Songstress soared and the hamster got hammered.

What does that mean for us?

Well, the directors got the idea that a stage show is good... and setting the guy who apparently cannot fight against the guy with 1 Hit Point would be hilarious!

So it's curtain call for the Jesters of the Puny Cup!  And Shiho and Cinna get to perform for us again as well.

Shiho vs Cinna
Augst vs Jogurt

* Shiho and Augst!
* Shiho and Jogurt!
* Cinna and Augst!
* Cinna and Jogurt!

----

I see that whoever is posting these doesn't like my attempts to mix up the punctuation. :(  Oh well, boring !'s they are this time.