CHAPTER 1, PART 2 - Margulis needs sexual healing*Scene splits to the ruins of Michtam. No time warp for you either.*
<Pellegri> Margulis, I already sent our Red Shirt Army to get blown up. Are you sticking here much longer?
<Margulis> Pellegri, do you see this holy land of ours?
<Pellegri> You mean, this little piece of blown-up Hicksville? You'd think this was some main character's doomed hometown. C'mon, we've got a sleazily named holy land to protect.
<Margulis> IT WAS MY HOMELAND. I COULD HAVE BEEN A MAIN CHARACTER AND HAVE HAD A GLORIOUS DESTINY
<Pellegri> Sheesh, don't start -that- again. Listen, just because you need to append a sword half your size to your crotch it doesn't mean you get main character rights, okay?
<Margulis> ... you couldn't begin to understand my pain.
<Pellegri> Yeah, I certainly couldn't bring myself to bend over and take it up the butt.
* Margulis scowls. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?<Pellegri> Up. The. Butt~
<Margulis> YOU INSOLENT -
<OrmusBait> GUYS GUYS STOP BICKERING THE PC CAST IS COMING UP HERE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE *bzzzzzzzt.*
* Margulis stops mid-motion and grins, coyly licking his lips. So, this means -he- is coming, eh. All right. Pellegri! To Rennes-le-Chateau!<OrmusBait> *bzzzt.* Before I die, Pellegri, sir, may I ask you one question?
<Pellegri> What?
<OrmusBait> Why is Margulis doing that creepy twirling thing with his eyes again?
<Pellegri> Let's just say the denial is strong in this one, young Padawan. You should know this already.
*Cut to the main party... IN SPACE.*
<Jr.> Humdedum, I am the terror that flaps in the night~
<chaos> You're awful cheerful for someone who just got shooed from the Foundation, Jr. What's going on?
<Jr.> Oh, nothing, just awesome caped mallard adventures waiting for me~
<chaos> ... did you blackmail Gaignun with Margulis profiling again?
<Jr.> Maybe~
<chaos> You never change. Hey, look, it's the giant meatball Juli talked about!
<Hammer> Are you sure? It kinda looks like a meatloaf with cabbage to me...
<Matthews> Sweet fuckin' Keerist, that crap could feed like half a solar system for years! What do you say we grab a bite, guys?
<Jr.> It just -looks- like a meatball, Matthews. Don't get excited.
<Matthews> Aw dammit.
<Tony> I wouldn't get very excited if it was edible anyway, this thing is emitting some really weird stuff. And I don't think it's the smell of fresh lunch either.
<Jr.> ...
<chaos> ...
<Matthews> ...
<Hammer> ... that was -horrible-.
<Tony> What?
<Jr.> Egh nevermind, just cut to MOMO already. It's bound to be less of a waste of screening than this.
*Cut to MOMO and Ziggy.*
<Game> Would you like a gratuitous MOMO pantyshot to start the scene? y/y
* MOMO's blood-red eyes shine through the screen, a vile roar beginning to rumble the speakers.<Game> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK RUN AWAY
*Anyhow, actual cut to MOMO and Ziggy! No pantyshots involved.*
* MOMO fiddles in the cockpit impatiently. OH MY GOD MOMO IS HOT eh? WELL I HERD YOU LIEK MUDKIPZ SIX FOOT DEEP INTO YOUR COCK YOU MOTHERF-<Ziggy> MOMO, could you please turn off your internal web browser? Your /b/-tard flaming is distracting enough when you're not piloting an E.S. That and you start cussing like a drunken sailor.
<MOMO> Look
<MOMO> I know you're still sore over mom not being able to implant an internet connection into your hard drive, but couldn't you let it go already? It's been almost a year!
<Ziggy> grumble mumble centuries-old technology is too cumbersome to work with she said mumble grumble.
<MOMO> Plus, I need -something- to keep me entertained here. The outside's pretty boring.
<Ziggy> She just wanted you to go out more. You've been spending all your time at home since you got that internet connection wired.
<MOMO> Doesn't it kinda defeat the point when I can access 4chan from anywhere in the universe, though?
<Ziggy> ... you have a point.
<MOMO> Anyhow, lemme take a good picture of that meatball. I could troll some losers in the hentai board with that.
<Ziggy> Just rub salt in the wound, will ya?
<Jin> Are you done sassing each other? We have to advance the plot.
<MOMO> Fine, fine. Anyhow, what is that thing named, Jr.?
<Jr.> The meatball? They call it Rennes-le-Chateau. It's supposed to be a holy land for those nutjobs at Ormus.
<MOMO> ... wait a minute. Aren't they jewish-palestinian-themed religious nutjobs? Why is their holy land in French?
<Jr.> Rennes-le-Chateau is the name of a city where some apocryphal writings assure Mary Magdalene had a child from Jesus, if I recall correctly.
<MOMO> ... wait a minute. They are palestinian-jewish.
<Jr.> Yup.
<MOMO> Their land has a frenchish city's name.
<Jr.> Riiiiiight.
<MOMO> And the city that names their holy land is home to a retarded conspiracy theory that pertains primarily to the apocryphal Christian lore.
<Jr.> Exactly.
<MOMO> This is so incredibly stupid it should be used in Game Writing 101 as the biggest example of why you shouldn't let videogame writers have access to Google. Also, how did you know -that- piece of trivia? You don't use Google!
<Jr.> Well, I read a lot, okay? In my libraries, I was bound to find something about the name!
<Jr.> ... well, and Rennes-le-Chateau is also the name of a great little whorehouse in the outskirts of the Foundation. But if Gaignun asks, you didn't hear it from me.
<MOMO> ... I could have gone to bed without that one.
*SUDDENLY, RED SHIRT ARMY APPEARS!*
*Acrobatics, explosions and lights that manage to be utterly boring ensue.*
<Jr.> You know, this is really boring. Couldn't they have just turned all these fireworks into a gameplay fight?
<MOMO> And that would be -less- boring how? Have you seen the gear battle system?
<Jr.> Point. Still, wouldn't that be a lot cheaper than these cinematics?
<Jin> He's got a point, you know. Actually, I'm a bit shocked they -did-, the money saved on skipping these effects probably would've let them run like twenty minutes of dangerously in-your-face MOMO pantyshot footage. You have to wonder why they didn't do it.
* MOMO glares at Jin menacingly. <MOMO>
THE INSOLENT PEONS DID NOTHING BUT A DECISION TAKEN WITH THEIR OWN WILL. REMAIN IN SILENCE, IMPUDENT WHELP.* XS3Writers cower in fear and hail. ALL HAIL MOMO-SAMA!<chaos> ... MOMO-sama? MOMO,
what have you done to them?
* MOMO grins. I have my means, that's all.<Jin> When did she get that scary?
<Jr.> I don't ask questions, I just roll with it.
<Matthews> Guys, stop that and keep fighting those goddamn mooks! We don't get hazard pay here!
<Jr.> Sheesh whatever, cue into gameplay fight already.
*CUE INTO GAMEPLAY FIGHT!*
<Jr.> Wow, this is even duller than I thought.
<MOMO> I told you.
*Randoms explode.*
<Jr.> Okay, Matthews, now can we just go down to the giant meatball? This is a waste of time.
<Matthews> Sure. Took you long enough to finish that, though, we all fell asleep midway through the fight.
<Jr.> You have -no- idea how much I envy you.
*Jin, MOMO and the Elsa drop closer to the giant mysterious meatball...*
<Margulis>
SURPRISE BUTTSEX UZUKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
<Jin> Fucking jesus christ, not again.
* Margulis swipes madly at Jr, then rushing against MOMO. YOUR INEXPERIENCE IS BEGINNING TO SHOW!<Jr.> ... what? Jin, am I supposed to know what the heck is he talking about?
<Jin> ... well... *Jin whispers something to Jr.'s ears.*
* Jr. nods, nods again, raises his eyebrows. Then he pauses for a moment. Then, he winces.<Jr.> Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!
* Jin shakes his head sadly.<Jr.> MOMO, get away from Margulis! His sexual frustration levels are through the roof!
<MOMO> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEW CUT TO BOSS FIGHT CUT TO BOSS FIGHT!
<Margulis> YOU TAKE THAT BACK! MY LOVE LIFE HAS NO FRUSTRATING ELEMENT TO IT!
<Jin> There can't be any sort of element on something that -doesn't exist-.
<chaos> ... Jin, could you not feed the troll at least once in your life?
*CUT TO BOSS FIGHT!*
<Jr.> Are you -sure- this was a good idea? This is going to make this whole thing soooooooooo long!
<Margulis> How DARE you mock my mighty 10HKO to MOMO and limit double-acting!?
<MOMO> It'd be less pathetic if you stopped trying to hump Jin's E.S. instead, you know.
<Jin> I'd also - *DEFLECT.* appreciate that, thank you!
<Jr.> Hum-de-dum, random attack -
* MOMO randomly sneaks in another attack!<Jr.> Hey, how did you do that? That'd speed up the fight a goddamn lot if you could do it all the time, y'know.
<MOMO> I -have no idea-! Even though the game has a huge tutorial for just about everything, it tells you absolutely nothing about this feature!
<Jr.> Are you fucking kidding me.
<MOMO> Nnnnnnnope.
<Jr.> Okay, seriously. Who the heck was the internal designer for this piece of trash?
<Jin> I hate to interrupt the gratuitous ragging on the game, but could you do -something- to speed this fight up? chaos already fell asleep on the cockpit.
<MOMO> Fine, fine. *ANIMA SPECIAL.*
<Margulis> blargh ded *EXPERIENCE BONUS~*
*Cut back to cutscene mode!*
<Jin> Okay, Margulis, now -can we enter the freaking meatball already-? I already told you, I'm just not into b-
<Margulis> YOU WILL NEVER ENTER MY HOLY LAND AND I WILL NEVER LET YOU GET AWAY WITH
BEING THE TOP DEFEATING ME!
* Margulis forcefully grabs Jin from behind.<Jin> What the hell are you trying to do? Giant robots can't even have sex, dammit!
<Margulis> That cannot BE! I welded a fully functional piston in my E.S. exclusively for that function!
<Jin, MOMO, chaos, Ziggy and Jr.> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh brain bleach
*SUDDENLY! The giant meatball starts flashing lights!*
<chaos> Wait a minute, is the meatball opening a distortion hyperspace?
<MOMO> I don't know, it looks like they're opening Disneyland there...
<Jin> I'm... not sure, don't you think it looks suspiciously like a gay club?
<MOMO> Disneyland at night, gay club, same difference.
*The meatball begins pulling the Elsa inside it.*
<Matthews> Wait a minute, you mean we're getting a free bail card out of this trainwreck? GUYS, SHOOT THE ROCKETS, WE'RE FREEEEEEEEE~
<Tony> YAY!
<Hammer> I... I'm... so... so happy... ;_;
<Professor> Guys, I think I'm hearing Britney Spears from here... are you sure you want to be trapped in a gay club with bad music?
<Matthews> Small price to pay for freedom, old man! ALL ENGINES GO!
<Meatball> I'm a - slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave 4 uuuuuuuuuu~
<ElsaCrew> YEEEEEEEEEEEHAW
<Margulis> TEAM ROCKET IS BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAAIN~ *twinkle.*
<Jin> Welp, this ended badly.
<Jr.> You tell me about it. Now, what we do?
<MOMO> Oh, I know!
<MOMO> Chapter 1 has ended! Would you like to save the game?
