Has it been a month already? (Actually, it's been a bit longer)
Anyhow, the league has changed enough over the past few weeks to warrant.... A NEW ANALYSIS! Yaaaaaaaay! (Now with admitted mistakes.)
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Atlanta Hawks: Aren't +.500 anymore, but... for now they're holding on to that #7 spot here in the East. I keep hearing lots of reports that Josh Smith is a selfish dumbfuck who is holding his team back, but.... he's also like, the second best player they have. They're still a bunch of incongruent pieces that need to be exchanged for something better. Playoffs bound? Maybe. Playoffs bound for the next couple of years? Maybe. Contenders? Never.
Boston Celtics ~ Well, it certainly was nice of them to come back to Earth where.... they still have the best record in the league by a lot, but they have been losing games. This shows that, yes, they really do need all three of their main guys to really compete. (Ray has been playing injured.) Most of why I don't think they'll win a championship (Or beat Detroit, when it comes to it), is because they really do need everything to go their way. So far they more or less have, but we're starting to see what happens when things don't.
Charlotte Bobcats ~ They're slowly crawling up. I don't think they'll hit the playoffs this year, but they ARE cooking compared to last year. Raymond Felton is a point guard, and their coach is CRAZY if he thinks that he should be starting anyone other than Raymond Felton at point. Crazy. Loco. Batshit. Et cetera.
Chicago Bulls ~ I was wrong. They ain't gonna be 5-6 in the East. I STILL think they'll replace Atlanta or Indiana in the playoff picture in general, but I don't see them advancing past 7 or 8. What happened, Chicago? Jesus. Hopefully... and maybe this is crazy talk, here.... but hopefully they'll get someone other than an energy guy up front. Also, firing Skiles on Christmas fucking Eve? Ice, ice cold. That ain't right. I don't care if he's a millionaire.
Cleveland Cavaliers ~ I was wrong here, too. As it turns out, LeBron IS that good. I thought no one was. But James, apparently, is. And apparently, his shitty teammates may be shitty, but they're his teammates, and he seems to need them. Which is weird. Anyhow, they managed to hoist themselves right back into the picture, and with a wildcard like James, they have the tools to beat anyone.... once.
Dallas Mavericks ~ Well, what do you know, they CAN play well. Note to Avery Johnson, and I think he has figured this out himself, finally. Dirk did NOT choke in the last two playoffs, man. Don't blame Dirk. It's you. You choked. Now, we're not clamoring for a replacement, because you're one of the most successful young coaches in history. So do yourself a favor. Take some time, think "You know, I CAN coach this game. And it's just like any other game" and then go into.... not Josh Howard... but Dirk. Dirk Nowitzki. The guy who won the MVP trophy. Because he's, you know, one of the best players in the entire league.
Denver Nuggets ~ DNP: Cancer is never, ever a good sign. Christ. As if their perennial injury woes weren't bad enough. Denver is realistically still in things, but it's not looking good. They have a lot of tough teams that... don't have injuries or cancer... gaining on them.
Detroit Pistons ~ Yep. I'm stiiiill picking the Pistons to go all the way this year. They'll have a pretty easy time in the playoffs, and knocking off Boston will probably be the only thing they have to worry about until they face whatever behemoth gets out of the west. And I'm pretty sure the entire west playoffs is going to be a bitter dogfight. This ought to be a good one. Chauncey Billups has balls the size of grapefruits.
Golden State Warriors ~ I'm sad because they might actually fall out of the playoff picture, and they're really, really fun to watch. The West, however, is starting to get really sick. And what's worse, is a lot of strong teams are that way because they actually have big guys that Golden State simply cannot defend. It'd be a shame to see them go down into the lottery again after last season, but I have a hard time seeing them ahead of both Houston AND Utah.
Houston Rockets ~ On the other hand, Houston has been sucking it up. Well, for Houston. Despite having a .537 record, they're actually TENTH in the West, and would not be in the playoffs if they were held today. This speaks to how absurdly good the West is. They really need to come up with something to offer the Sonics, who have an excess of good point guards.
Indiana Pacers ~ STILL THE EIGHTH SEED. Which is.... still surprising. I... see them falling to Chicago for this spot, honestly, but I owe the Pacers some props for how badly I underestimated them before the season began. I'm going to start paying attention to what they do in drafts.
LA Clippers ~ I'm standing by my statement that I'd rather see Kaman as an all-star than Amare, but you know what? I really hate Amare Stoudemire. He's a dickhead. Nonetheless, this is supposed to be about the Clippers right now. And... they're pretty terrible. (Poor Kaman's all-star bid) Which is to be expected, since they're without Brand or Livingston. They're another team that I'd love to see who they draft because... the reality seems to be that, if they get a difference making guy immediately, they might well be right in the thick of things again. I don't forget how good this team was a couple of years ago, and I don't believe in curses. The Clippers have serious options.
LA Lakers ~ Who here actually can believe they were at the top of the Western Conference about a week ago? Anyone? Yeah, me either. Do you ever wonder how often Kobe laughs out loud at the idea that he actually wanted to be traded to Chicago? Man, he'd have looked stupid. It's a shame Bynum got injured, because he was really cooking with gas. Damn. I'm convinced this team is for real. Derek Fisher makes a much bigger difference than I thought possible. I'm not entirely sure how, but the team seems to play much better with him hanging around than without. It's freaky.
Memphis Grizzlies ~ Sucks that they won't be able to sell too many Rudy Gay jerseys, huh?
Miami Heat ~ I actually get a kick out of watching their games now. Yeah, it's funny. Apparently, I'm A-OK with watching Miami lose. I can't believe I'm still bitter about their championship over Dallas, but there it is. It's refreshing to see a team that I truly loathe being at the very bottom rung of the NBA. Just this side of Minnesota. On the plus side, next year, they'll get some ludicrously good young player to pair up with Dwayne Wade, and they'll have some disgusting 1-2 tandem for the next several years.
Milwaukee Bucks ~ Somehow, they're theoretically in the playoffs picture. I find it funny that they're discussing dumping Villanueva now. That'd be a lot of fun. They got rid of Ford for nothing (Blah blah spine blah blah, he decided to come back), if that's the case. Yi is actually pretty darn good, he's just superfluous. The team is going nowhere, and they don't deserve to win games.
Minnesota Timberwolves ~ So far they're neck and neck with Boston, according to my earlier prediction. This one is going to be a nailbiter. Oh, man. That'd be really sweet.
New Jersey Nets ~ In theory they're also in the playoff picture? I dunno. I haven't seen any of their games, somehow. It's been a weird year for me. They have.... I don't even know what they have. Jason Kidd is still playing out of his mind, and probably is the only reason they're considered a playoff team (maybe), but really, I wouldn't be surprised if they missed it to Chicago, Indiana, Milwaukee, and Atlanta. I suspect, however, that the bottom two playoff teams this season will be Chicago and New Jersey. Somehow. Hope you like your Pistons and Celtics! (Interestingly enough, Chicago seems to be poison to the Pistons. Could there be an upset? That'd fuck over ONE of my predictions...)
New Orleans Hornets ~ NOTE TO NBA TELEVISION MANAGEMENT: Broadcast more Hornets games. Seriously. Chris Paul is going bananas (Better be a fucking All-Star). They're better than Miami, and I think... pretty well anyone could have told you that in the off-season. But whatever, man. Let's just not show any of their games and GUESS WHAT, they're #2 in the West. TWO. The SECOND BEST TEAM. Assholes. You need to get on the ball and show us their games. Go back to your room and think about what you did.
New York Knicks ~ LOL.
Orlando Magic ~ You know something? Hedo Turkoglu is actually a pretty damn fantastic Basketball player this year. I did not know this. I would not be totally unhappy if he made an all-star bid. But... he'd be behind Pierce, Garnett, Butler, James and Bosh. Can you fit 6 forwards on an All-Star team? If so, I'd be somewhat disappointed if he wasn't one of them. If five, well, then those five. Clearly. Go Turk. Also worth noting is how he's an upgrade of Rashard Lewis. Despite playing on the same team for a fraction of the Salary. God bless the NBA.
Philadelphia 76ers ~ Yep. I still don't like this team. I... don't see much newsworthy stuff about them. Oh, and technically they're in the playoff hunt. Wouldn't that be something?
Phoenix Suns ~ Amare hate aside. (Suns hate aside, even) This team is rolling. Top of the West (for now). They're a decent squad. Really. I just don't think they're a championship squad. Interestingly, Hill's "injury" may benefit the team. All those days he's out recovering from his appendectomy, he's not injuring his legs, and he's getting plenty of rest in the hot Arizona sun. He might be the freshest he's been in a long ass time. Inn't that weird?
Portland Trailblazers ~ I will personally strangle someone if Tony Parker makes the All-Star team ahead of Brandon Roy. I will. I really, truly will. I finally saw Brandon Roy play the other night, and I have to say, I got chills. At one point in time, I popped out of my chair, and these girls I was having a slumber party with (Long story. It's more pathetic than it sounds.) thought I had been bitten by something. Yeah. He's electric. I want this team to win things. Like games. So they can make the playoffs. I suspect that they will. They have such a huge luxury of point guards. And this will only increase in coming seasons, when they get Fernandez over here, and Kaponen over here. It's sick. Absolutely sick. This may be my second favorite team now, behind Dallas.
Sacremento Kings ~ What's this? Trade Rumors for Ron Artest and Mike Bibby? I've never heard such things. Seriously, though, they should trade one or both of them and get everything they can for it. Having a mediocre Bibby/Artest/Martin team and then a Mediocre Martin/low draft guy/low draft guy team is probably not the way to win any playoff series this decade.
San Antonio Spurs ~ Seriously. Don't do it, coaches. Don't you dare. Don't make Tony Parker an All-Star. Not when his own teammate is playing better at guard this year. I'm watching you. Don't fucking do it. You robbed Deron. If you rob Brandon Roy, I'm gonna have to kill a bitch.
Seattle Supersonics ~ Has it been six years yet? No? OK. Also, fuck Earl Watson.
Toronto Raptors ~ So apparently, there's a big fuss about how Andrea Bargnani is terrible or something. Whatever. He's developing. His stats are somehow DOWN, though, and that's kind of a puzzler. So maybe there's something there. Maybe he can't handle people bugging him though. The Italians have been disappointing me this season. Even the last italian salami I had was like, incredibly fatty and gross. Does this mean Mario will be sub-par in SSBB? It's entirely possible. Also, Ford is injured again, but Toronto doesn't seem to really notice, because Calderon is ALSO perfectly capable of running a Playoff-level NBA team. So there you go. Toronto is pretty damn deep, and also quite young. Let's check in on them in a few years. We were told to give Bargnani five.
Utah Jazz ~ Not in the playoffs, if they happened today. I... still don't really know what happened to the Jazz. Was it Fisher? Did losing Fisher actually make them that much worse? He went to LA and LA is awesome suddenly. And he seems to make huge plays for the Lakers on a fairly regular clip. Maybe there's something to it. Add Deron Williams to the list of "Guys who are more All-Star worthy than Tony fucking Parker". But, to be fair, he ought to be behind Paul and Brandon Roy this year.
Washington Wizards ~ Oh, yeah, Butler and Jamison can play basketball too. It's almost like they were a "Big three." Go figure. The fun thing about the Wizards is, if fate shines on them (and basketball fans in general), they could have an opposite end to this season than last time. Imagine if their team (ok, Gilbert) got HEALTHY just before the playoffs. You know, instead of injured. They could totally upset a higher seed. Or at least give them a hell of a fight. People don't take the Wizards or Raptors very seriously, and that makes me sad. But hey, the same people thought the Heat were locks for the playoffs this year, so I think there's plenty of dick left to suck, jerkholes.
