Finally got off my ass, and decided to catch up a bit on the Godzilla movies, namely some of the more modern ones I missed. And by catch up, I mean "Fuck it, I'm just gonna watch Final Wars cause it looks and sounds bad ass!"
I...will sum up the plot of this movie...using FF7 Allegories. Why? Cause the movie feels like they ripped off of FF7 characters and such for plot, and well, it could actually work as a fanfic for FF7. You'll see what I mean!
*Intro shows Bahamut Zero getting owned by missiles and shot down into an ice berg, shift to modern times*
Narrator: Humans have caused shit to the world due to Mako. Because of this, mutants have appeared...they are SOLDIER. But they've adapted, and joined with SOLDIER to make the Earth Defense Force! However, monsters and shit exist, and need stopping.
Random Shinra Grunt: LEVIATHAN IS ATTACKING!
Barret: FIRE THE LASERS!!!
*Leviathan gets frozen, then drilled*
Random Grunt: Leviathan is beaten, but our ship is nearly destroyed!
Barret: There aint no getting off this train we're on!
Scarlet: *Appears on screen* Good work killing the guy, ubt you cost us millions! We'll have your ass back at base.
Barret: ^%*@, I just saved us all!
*shift to random training simulator, Cloud and Zack are fighting, Zack wins*
Zack: Man, Cloud, you can't keep holding back like that!
Cloud: Sorry, but I can't just get my fighting spirit up.
Zack: You'd be dead if this were a real fight, just let go once in a while!
*Angeal walks in*
Angeal: But Zack, know that there's no problem in holding back. To some degree, Cloud is right! Anyway, Cloud, you're needed in the director's room.
Zack: Catch ya later, Cloud!
*Director's room*
Scarlet: Aha, good, you're here! I'm having you on body guard duty to protect this scientist!
Cloud: Not interested.
Scarlet: Shut up! You're doing it!
Cloud: Fine, where is this nerdy guy with glasses?
Tifa: I'm right here (Meeple Note: Yes, Tifa is a scientist here, and you can all shut up)
Cloud: ...she's a scientist? She looks more like a model! *Actual line of dialog from the character in question*
Tifa: I'll pretend I didn't hear that...
*Shift to movie scene*
Yuffie: So, Mr. Rufus, you say Shinra will keep the world safe from Monsters?
Rufus: Yes, that's right! Now if you excuse me, I have to go in my luxury Helicopter! Oh yeah, tell Dark Nation, my dog, that I said hi, I haven't seen him in a while.
Yuffie: ...right....
*shift to lab*
Tifa: I have discovered that all SOLDIER recipients are so strong cause they have these J-Cells.
Cloud: What's that got to do with me?
Tifa: You're one of them, right?
Cloud: ...oh, yeah...
Cid: Ah, you're here, ^@^*^, ok, we found this ^*^@*&^@ monster and we need you to analyze it!
Tifa: ...it also has J-Cells, but what is it?
Cid: ^*^@ if I know!
Cloud: I don't see why I have to help...*starts going into a Cloud mental break down* Ah crap, not again with the crazy time...
Tifa: Its not just you Cloud, I'm seeing it tool
Cid: ^*@^ is this ^@*^@?
Aerith: That monster is Jenova! If it awakens, it'll destroy the world again!
Cloud: O...k...
Aerith: And you have some of her in you!
Cloud: SO I'm evil?
Aerith: Technically...yes...but fear not! You have the power to choose which way you will go! Now take this Materia!
Cid: What the ^*^@( was that?
*shift to Helicopter*
Rufus: Man, being President is awesome!
*Ultimate WEAPON appears, blows up Helicopter*
Rufus: ...not again...
*Ultimate WEAPON attacks Junon, starts blowing shit up*
*Diamond WEAPON attacks Corel, blows more shit up*
*Emerald WEAPON attacks Wutai, shit gets blown up*
*Ruby WEAPON attacks Costa Del Sol, things die*
*Sapphire WEAPON attacks Kalm*
Angeal: OK, Troops! Your goal is to kick the shit out of Sapphire WEAPON! Got that? Good! I'm gonna sit on the side lines and watch.
Zack: Ok everyone, lets go beat some giant monster ass!
*they kick Sapphire WEAPON's ass*
Zack: Man I'm awesome!
Cloud's mind: I wish I was that good...
*The other WEAPONs spontaneously disappear, giant floating fortress appears*
Scarlet: What the hell is going on?
*Rufus appears*
Rufus: Hey, I'm alive! Oh yeah, these guys come in peace, here, you all come with me *points to Scarlet and Angeal*
Hojo: AH, yes, you've arrived! I'll keep things brief; we're aliens who are in no way associated with Jenova, right guys?
Tsviets: Hail Weiss!
Hojo: See? Anyway, your planet is screwed by Meteor coming down in 489 days...but team up with us and we insure survival, right son?
Sephiroth: It'll bring you despair...
Hojo: Anyway, do we have a deal?
Scarlet: Clearly you have no alternative motives, lets go!
*shift*
Cloud: ...I don't trust these guys.
Tifa: You're paranoid, where's your proof?
Yuffie: I have proof! You know Rufus? He doesn't blink!
Tifa: That's a physical impossibility! Go tell Scarlet this now Cloud!
*Scarlet's office*
Cloud: Rufus is acting strange, he should be watched.
SCarlet: I know, now leave.
Cloud: Ok.
*Shift*
Cloud: Scarlet is clearly taken over by the aliens too.
Tifa: So...who can we trust here?
Cloud: I know one person!
*Cloud busts into Barret's jail cell*
Barret: What does your spikey haired ass want?
Cloud: How would you like to help expose Shinra for the liars they are, and blow up those Aliens?
Barret: Now you're speaking my language!
*shift to TV conference*
Scarlet: Oh, Tifa, you're acting suspicious...
Tifa: Screw this, guys come out!
*Cloud and Barret beat the shit out of Scarlet, expose her as being the fake thing*
Barret: ****, what is she?
Cloud: Well, this is all the proof we need, lets go.
Yuffie: So...Rufus...about this dog...
Rufus: ...I don't recognize it...
Yuffie: Really?
Rufus: ...wait, its my dog, isn't it!?
Yuffie: WHAT'S HIS NAME!?
Hojo: Oh, Rufus is stressed out, he forgot! Tell him his name for him!
Yuffie: ...Dark Nation...
Rufus; Ah! Dark Nation, good to see you!
Yuffie: I lied! Its name is actually Nanaki! This isn't your dog! YOU'RE NOT REALLY HIM!
Fake Rufus: It seems I have been found out, but what are you going to...
Barret: Die foo! *shoots Rufus in the face, he turns into an alien, everyone freaks*
Hojo: Wait !I can explain!
Sephiroth: ...you know, if you just unleashed all the monsters like I told you originally, we'd already take over this world and be gods *kills Hojo on the spot* Ok, now I'm taking over as leader! You guys stand no chance!
Barret: I wouldn't say that! *summons all of SOLDIER*
Sephiroth: Intriguing...come out Tsviets! *Tsviets appear*
Barret: Foo, you're outnumbered!
Sephiroth: Awaken, all of you!
*All of SOLDIER attacks the group...except Cloud and Angeal*
Cloud: SEPHIROTH!!! *charges, gets his ass kicked*
Angeal: All of you, run! Barret, take care of all of them! I'll hold them off, get going!
Barret: You heard the man!
Sephiroth: Lets bring them all despair. Send down every freaking monster we got and destroy everything!
Tsviets: Hail Weiss!
Sephiroth: ...close enough...
*Monsters destroy pretty much entire world*
Cid: @^*@^ hell, what the ^*@^* we going to do *^(^ now?
Barret: We'll use the Highwind, its still around! As is a few members of Avalanche! We'll take on everyone that way!
Yuffie: Yay!
Cloud: ...we're being followed *sees Zack chasing them on a motorcycle* I'll handle this! *gets on motorcycle himself, big action Motorcycle fight ensues, Cloud beats Zack*
(Yes, a huge motorcycle fight actually happens...in a FREAKING GODZILLA MOVIE)
Zack: ...kill...me...Cloud...before...I do...more harm...
Cloud: No...you're a friend *grabs Zack and drags him off*
*They board the Highwind*
Barret: Ok, I got this crazy idea. We'll SUMMON BAHAMUT ZERO!
Cid: ^*^(, that'll destroy us all!
Barret: *@^), Sephiroth will do that anyway!
Cid: ^*@^, but what if Bahamut Zero gets controlled?
Tifa: Well, see, Bahamut Zero is different cause he lacks the J-Cells like the other monsters do, so Sephiroth can't control him! Of course, once he kills everything, we're fucked.
Cid: So we release that ^*@^ freak, !&@% blows things up, and then we ^(^* rid of him somehow?
Barret: Yes.
Cid: ...lets do it!
Yuffie: Oh, I'm staying behind and taking pictures, just as souveneirs, later!
*they go to Northern Crater*
Reno: Man, the world's screwed.
Rude: Hmm...
Reno: ...say, is that the highwind?
Rude: Impossible, what would they want out here?
*Sephiroth's chamber*
Sephiroth: Mother...it seems the fools have a trick up their sleeve...go dispose of them!
*Jenova is released on the Highwind*
Barret: WAKE UP ^*@^! *They missile Bahamut Zero, he awakens*
*Jenova and Bahamut fight, Bahamut kicks the shit out of Jenova*
Sephiroth: WHAT!? HOW COULD MOTHER BE DEFEATED!?
Barret: You didn't know two things about us! One is me, the other is Bahamut! *Actual line of dialog, without obvious adjustments*
Barret: NOW GET US OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE KILLS US!
*Bahamut chases the Highwind to points where Emerald WEAPON is, Bahamut kicks his ass. Then Materia Keeper appears...dies horribly. Then Schizo appears...also gets his ass kicked*
Sephiroth: NO! How could he be that strong?
Tsviets: Hail Weiss!
Sephiroth: Shut up and send more monsters! RETURN THEM TO THE PROMISED LAND!
*Diamond, Ultimate and Ruby WEAPON all appear at once. After a big fight, Bahamut comes out ahead*
Sephiroth: ...a worthy foe indeed.
*on the Highwind*
Barret: Alright, BLOW A HOLE INTO THAT SHIP! *laser blocks it* *^*@, what are we going to do?
Cloud: ...a fighter jet is leaving the hanger.
Zack: Hey, Sorry Cloud, but I gotta do this; I have faith in you, good luck! *Zack suicides on the things core, taking down the shield.*
Cloud: ...good bye...Zack...
*They bust in*
Cloud: Oh, Tifa, hold onto this Materia...just in case shit goes wrong.
*In Temple of the Ancients*
Aerith: Oh, mighty Phoenix, please arise! We need your help!
*Phoenix appears, flies off*
*Bahamut beats the shit out of Guard Scorpion and Sapphire WEAPON...even though Sapphire WEAPON was defeated earlier*
Sephiroth: No more games. Go get them, Omega!!
*Omega appears on Bahamut, the two start fighting*
Sephiroth: Oh, yeah, Mother's not dead yet! *Sephiroth summons Jenova Synthesis*
*On highwind*
Cid: Alright, lets get those *^^@-...
*Tsviets appear*
Tsviets: Hail Weiss! *kill all the useless Avalanche members*
Tifa: ...should have seen that coming...
Cloud: SEPHIROTH! What do you want?
Sephiroth: I need you alive, for the sake of the Lifestream! Now come to my chambers!
*Sephiroth's chamber*
Sephiroth: In short, you are all nothing but puppets! We will take advantage of you, and all of SOLDIER were just descendants of Mother and myself! ...except you Cloud, you're a reject and thus completely useless...yet you have hidden potential...AWAKEN!!!
*back to the Monster brawl, Phoenix arrives on the scene, but Jenova Synthesis knocks it around some, then attacks Bahamut. Bahamut fights off both Omega and Jenova Synthesis, starts losing, Phoenix then comes in, kamikaze's Jenova, both die*
Sephiroth: It's only a matter of time before Omega returns this planet to the lifestream, and I shall ascend! Oh yeha, Cloud, kill them all.
Cloud: Yes, master...
Tifa: No! Cloud! What are you doing! Wait! *shoves Materia in his back* REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!
Cloud: ...I was controlled, wasn't I?
Tifa: YOu were.
Cloud: ...I'm kicking Sephiroth's ass. All of you get out of here while you can!
Tsviets: Hail Weiss! *start shooting at everyone...only to get blasts deflected*
Rufus: Ok, Scarlet! Heiddegar, you know what to do!
Tifa: You mean you gusy are alive?
Rufus: Yeah, we all escaped cause I said so. My political power is just THAT GOOD.
Barret: Well *^(^, lets get off this train before it crashes! (He actually has a line similar to that)
*Tsviets pursue, Barret kicks the shit out of two of them single handedly while the other 5 run into a bunch of SOLDIERS, which they barely hold off*
*Cloud gets his ass kicked by Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: A fool like you who wallows in despair could never defeat me...you are merely a puppet!
Cloud: No, NOT ANYMORE!!! *Cloud glows Limit Break style*
Sephiroth: ...oh poo poo
*Omnislash, everyone escapes due to various DEMs*
*Omega reveals his true form...TIAMAT! Tiamat beats the shit out of Bahamut some*
Tifa; Oh no! Tiamat is draining Bahamut's Lifeforce! We must feed him the lifestream!
Cloud: ...Lifestream...hmm....*Fires a huge fucking beam at Bahamut, Bahamut kicks the shit out of Tiamat, then attacks the Highwind*
Barret: ^*@), everyone get out of here!
*Bahamut is about to attack, but Bahamut Jr. appears and has him stop, the two leave*
Cloud: Well, we won, but at what cost?
I know this sounds ridiculous but...the FF7 allegories really do work this well. In any event, movie is basically what happens when you take Kaiju battles at their finest, with quality special effects, and then add in Matrix style action scenes, with a Deathstar Run somewhere in the mix. Its a fun movie, and the big advantage it has over other Godzilla movies?
The Human side was actually exciting for once. Normally, the Human side of Godzilla movies is "useless subplot just so the movie has a fucking a script, and isn't just a bunch of monsters beating each other", which lets face it, only reason you watch Godzilla movies is for the mayhem. The fact that they made the normally useless human filler actually interesting to watch was a plus, though it DID detract from the movie, as the entire first half has very little Giant Monsters (if the lAbridged wasn't indicative), and mostly plot build up but...well, once Godzilla finally appears, things get pretty bad ass. You can tell they wanted to make the 50th anniversary go out with the bang, and the movie was clearly made in such a way that it COULD be the very last one, but this is Godzilla; there is never a true end <_<