Yes indeedly doodly, we've had Best. RPG. EVER. contests before, but what about those uncelebrated time-wasters perenially jammed into RPGs whether they need to be there or not? Isn't it about time they got some recognition too? ...Oh. Well, we're going to run a contest for them anyway. A pretty small one, as you'll see, but hey, this whole tourney started as a joke anyway. This contest is purely subjective; vote for whichever minigame you like more.
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Match 1: Iron Chef (Suikoden 2) vs. Ritapon (Suikoden 4)
Your name? Hai Yo. Your quest? To be the greatest chef EVER. Your favorite color? Who gives a fuck, you've got cooking to do. But can cooking possibly be more fun than playing a tile-based game against a squeaky-voiced, hammer-wielding gadgeteer who totally doesn't cheat ever (really)? You tell me.
Match 2: Triple Triad (Final Fantasy VIII) vs. Chocobo Hot and Cold (Final Fantasy IX)
The collectible card game that swept all two of Final Fantasy VIII's nations is back, and it's hungry for your SOUL. But can it top treasure hunting at the whim of a giant chicken? That's up to you, dear readers.
Match 3: Fairy Village (Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter) vs. Tetra Master (Final Fantasy IX)
Can anything match the thrill of carefully managing an underground community of fairies and ants, choosing their jobs and allocating space for stores, and horribly unbalancing the world's economy in the process? FFIX is going to try! Tetra Triad is much like its cousin, Triple Triad...except with four cards to a side instead of three! Proving once again the time-honored adage that More is Better. Maybe.
Match 4: Cielo Shooter (Digital Devil Saga 2) vs. Morrie's MONSTROUS PIT (Dragon Quest VIII)
He's hip, he's Jamaican, he must REND, SLAUGHTER AND DEVOUR HIS ENEMIES (Children of Purgatory). DDS2 allows players to fly solo as everyone's favorite Rastafarian demon in a vertical-scrolling shooter (which proves an eerie harbinger of his death later in the game). Cielo's enemy in this match is more insidious than the Karma Society, though, more dangerous than Jenna Angel and perhaps more powerful than God Brahman himself. Sure, Morrie may be just a man...but he's a man with a scarf, his own private wind machine, and a MONSTROUS PIT. Can Cielo climb to the top of Morrie's monster arena? It's a fight so tight even Lady Luck don't know what to write.
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Of course, we at Cidco acknowledge that not all minigames are created equal and that some, however well-intentioned, turn out to be a blight upon their parent game--or, at best, a total waste of code. This section of the tourney decides which lucky winner grabs the title of Best of the Worst--and maybe, just maybe, a shot at taking on the main tourney's finalists!
Failure Match 1: CPR (Final Fantasy VII) vs. GS Campaign (Xenosaga 2)
The good people at Squaresoft clearly realized that nothing, nothing could be as thrilling as performing cardiopulminary resuscitation on a young girl, and that their magnum opus would not be complete until they had duly enshrined this activity in the form of one of the dreariest minigames ever put to code. To drive the point home, you are unable to continue the plot until you've revived the patient. So take heed, my children, and learn CPR. Before Square strikes again.
Opposing Cloud's brush with pedophilia this week is Xenosaga 2's GS Campaign. GS, standing for Good Samaritan, places you in the slippers of concerned citizen Shion Uzuki and commands you to right the cosmic balance by performing mindless chores for total strangers. It's a big universe out there. A universe filled with people. People who need stuff. Stuff that they don't have. It is your job, Shion, to see that they get it. It might be a worthless knickknack on the other side of the galaxy, but you cannot rest until you get it for them. And, sometimes, perform unpaid labor for someone who's just too fucking lazy to do their own job.
Failure Match 2: Collecting Chops (Final Fantasy XII) vs. Arm Wrestling with Hemble (Grandia 2)
Speaking of performing menial tasks for lazy bastards, our second failure match introduces us to Final Fantasy 12's Archades subquest. The sophisticated citizens of Archades are above such trivial concernes as money, and the true measure of an Archadian's worth is their collection of chops. ...Wait, what? Yes indeed, the ultimate status symbol in refined Archades is a bit of wood, and they're valued above anything else on the market. Since you need one to advance the plot, your only option is to run around town begging total strangers for unskilled labor. Many of these jobs simply involve talking to someone else in the city, sometimes even someone in the same screen as your present taskmaster, which really makes one wonder how the Empire got past the stone age.
Opposing the full might of the Archadian empire is one man. He is Hemble, and he has a simple goal: to arm wrestle you until you can arm wrestle no more. Thrill at carefully managing your stamina in order to avoid exhausting yourself before you can bring your opponent down. Truly you walk the razor's edge when you face Hemble. Try not to wear yourself out, or you'll have to rely on your girlfriend to distract your opponent. And that's just weaksauce, man.
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Short version:
Iron Chef (S2) vs. Ritapon (S4)
Triple Triad (FFVIII) vs. Chocobo Hot and Cold (FFIX)
Fairy Village (BoFV) vs. Tetra Master (FFIX)
Scrolling Shooter Cielo (DDS2) vs. Morrie's MONSTROUS PIT (DQ8)
Failure bracket:
CPR (FFVII) vs. GS Campaign (XS2)
Talking to Random Snobs for Bits of Wood (FFXII) vs. ARM WRESTLING (G2)
Voting closes in a week.
