Last week, on The Ultimate Tournament of Ultimate Doom Part I...
Mr. Ed took a bite out of Medea, causing her to run panic-stricken back home to her father. King Trode is filing a lawsuit against the errant horse as we speak. Of course, green midgets complaining about horse-on-horse sexual harrassment don't get very far in the legal system, so I don't think much is coming out of that.
Meanwhile, a close fought battle between Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and Snowball resulted in Snowball deploying his most powerful weapon ever designed - Elmyra. However, the one thing Snowball didn't count on was the fact that he employed FUCKING ELMYRA. Poor hamster was hugged to death.
Meanwhile, wolfman vs. teenage werewolf turned out to be much closer than expected. While Zylo's experience as a hardened warrior battling all types of villainous evil was a stupendous advantage against Oz, the musician wasn't giving up, and indeed, he was even gaining the upper hand in the fight. Trying a different strategy, Zylo ran and tried to abduct Oz's girlfriend, Willow, hoping that puny human emotions would lead his foe to quit. Unfortunately for Zylo, he'd never seen Buffy beyond season three - one flaying from a very pissed off lesbian witch later, and Willow and Kennedy had a new throw rug to make love on.
In other worlds, it was all downhill for Dracula. Having fingers that are thousands of years old, that have been whipped, chopped off, and otherwise battered to hell and back makes for a very difficult time typing. Also doesn't help Dracula's never seen a computer. Halfway through trying to type, "It was not by my hand...", a wine glass promptly flew at him and impaled his heart, ending that little battle.
Sadly in the mechanical league, Gateau once again proved his ineptness. Using the power of time travel, he figured, would make it easy to defeat Megatron. Just go back to Cybertron in its infancy and place a virus into Megatron's initial programming to turn him into a cute little flower-morphing Transformer. This was sadly complicated by a crash-landing on to Earth post-time-jump - onto his former self. Gateau just can't catch a break, unless it involves breaking himself, that is.
And the world rallied with joy at the fall of Mecha-Streisand to the diminuitive Robo. The power of Wikipedia IS amazing.
The close lightsabre duel between Kratos and Darth Vader was a sight to behold. Sadly for Kratos, The Force Choke Hold was a wee bit superior to Judgment in close combat. Note to Lucas Arts for future games: nerf casting time on Force skills. Much too quick.
...and Gary Coleman managed to fail it up, but not as much as Shion Uzuki. Guess the guy's still got something left in him after all.
So we welcome last week's winners to the next week of DEADLY AND AMAZING...epicness...after the eliminations are over:
And now, for the next week of excitement, pain, and mind-boggling insanity!
Bestiality DivisonLassie (Lassie) vs. Tony (Wild ARMs: XF)Lassie! Tony! One dog save children from wells, the other can withstand blazing fireballs. Honestly, seems like a good fight to me. Which mutt will prove to be man's BFF?
Zera Valmar (Grandia II) vs. Mothra (Godzilla)Moth versus...butterfly. Ok, it might not be as epic as you were expecting, but don't count this battle out just yet! Beauty versus ugliness is a fight that the great Pope himself is destined to win! All he needs to do is beat the Mothballs of Valmar and acquire their special move, and he's good to go! Of course, the fact that Mothra is a good deal larger than him might be a flaw in tha strategy...
Supernatural DivisionFox Mulder (X-Files) vs. Nancy Drew (Nancy Drew)"Agent Fox Mulder, FBI" "Nancy Drew, Teenage Sleuth" "..." "..."
Arthur (Ghouls and Ghosts and other assorted pain) vs. Ash (Evil Dead)While Arthur might fight monsters and the devil himself while wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, that hasn't stopped him from saving the girl many times from the clutches of evil. Of course, he's never dealt with a gun and chainsaw-wielding S-MART employee before. Zombie slayer of yore versus zombie slayer of now - who will prove to be the better zombie-slayer?
Mechanical DivisionDr. Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog) vs. Dist (Tales of the Abyss)The Death Egg. Kaiser Dist. Robo-Sonic. Fomicry. The Mean Bean Machine. Flying Chair. When inventors go wrong, they go wrong in awesome ways. Whose most awesome invention will prove to be the trump card here in this battle of mad geniuses?
Mecha-Birdo (I Wanna Be The Guy) vs. The Six Million Dollar Man (The Six Million Dollar Man)He's strong, he's fast, he's a hero...but does he have what it takes to Be The Guy? Mecha-Birdo's not your everyday giant egg-shooting...dinosaur thing...after all. But this is The Six Million Dollar Man - I mean, he'd be worth six billion dollars by today's standards! Whille he be able to jump, leap, and weave through Birdo's deadly attacks, or will he fail like so many have failed before him?
Epic DivisionMichael Flatley (Riverdance) vs. Noa (LoL)Really, both of them will be dancing to ABBA music, specifically "Dancing Queen". I'm not sure if the world will be able to take the sheer brain hemorrhage that results.
William Shakespeare (England) vs. Dan Brown (Writer of The Da Vinci Code, among others)Arguably a plagiarist vs. the bane of the Catholic Church. One writes about sex-crazed fairies, the other about Jesus getting laid. ...actually, maybe they aren't that dissimilar after all.
Short version:
Lassie vs. Tony
Zera Valmar vs. Mothra
Fox Mulder vs. Nancy Drew
Arthur vs. Ash
Dr. Robotnik vs. Dist
Mecha-Birdo vs. The Six Million Dollar Man
Michael Flatley vs. Noa
William Shakespeare vs. Dan Brown
You have about 1 week and a day or so to vote! Get cracking!
