Last week, on The Ultimate Tournament of Ultimate Doom Part II...
While writing his newest book, The Digital Devil Code, Dan Brown went outside to walk his dog, Lassie, freshly revived thanks to the powers of Stephen King and a huge financial nest egg. On the way down the street, Lassie ended up pooping in the yard of a very paranoid Fox Mulder. Thinking the poop to be a secret alien code, Mulder scooped it up and took it downtown to the local police station, run by the hard-lined officer Arthur, an equally insane man wearing underwear and carrying a lance around. Upon presenting it to Arthur, the mad knight took it for a sign of the apocalypse, and convinced Mulder that they had to take down The Man before it was too late. Enlisting the aid of The Six Million Dollar Man, the two went on a rampage throughout Gotham, crushing everything in their path. However, one thing stood in their way - Noa, dancing queen! Beginning a flurry of dance moves that would stun the world, Noa busted a groove to the hippest beats in the hood. But it wasn't enough to stop the bullet to her brain. Meanwhile, upon hearing of this vile endeavour, Dan Brown and Lassie followed in the wake, intending to use it as a catalyst for another disasterrific book, Batman is a Phony. Upon meeting up with the mighty crusading warriors, Lassie charged the vile murderers, and managed to give Fox rabies, killing him in a horrific way, but was taken down by a nicely thrown spear from Arthur. Cornered, Dan Brown prayed for a miracle, promising never to write another book again as long as he lived.
And then the Death Egg fell from the sky and splattered everyone.
Zera? No one cared about him, so he flew into some fly paper.
So we welcome last week's winners to the next week of DEADLY AND AMAZING...epicness...after the eliminations are over:
And now, for the next week of excitement, pain, and mind-boggling insanity!
Bestiality DivisonMumble (Happy Feet) vs. Mao (Shadow Hearts: From the New World)A tapdancing pengiun. Happy Feet is pretty awesome, as long as you ignore awful 300 parodies. Then again, a drunken anthropomorphic cat is pretty badass too, as long as you ignore Shadow Hearts 3 lack of characterization. So which really fucked up animal - the cute dancing penguin, or the kickboxing drunken cat - will prove to be the more adorable mascot?
Shrek (Shrek) vs. Firkraag (Baldur's Gate II)Rudeness and jackassery faces off against a high and mighty legendary beast. Oddly enough, either set of terms could describe either combatant. The big mean green ogre's beaten up a dragon before (ok, a female dragon with a thing for donkeys), but Firkraag isn't exactly a normal dragon - I mean, how many ancient beasts let you beat them up while they talk to you? Even so, Shrek's not got an easy fight on his hands - without a donkey trumpcard here, he's going to have to use all his girth and wits to outmatch the ancient dragon.
Supernatural DivisionMiss Cleo (Stealing your Money in Real Life) vs. Yugi Muto (Yu-Gi-Oh!)Miss Cleo is the greatest fortune scam to ever exist. Call her, and you'll hear exactly what you want, and land yourself in horrible debt. On the other hand, start collecting Yu-Gi-Oh!, and you'll never have a life. Miss Cleo steals your money, but Yugi Muto steals your life and arguably your mental capacity too. Which do you value more, gentle viewers: your money, or your brain?
Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Sabrina the Teenage Witch) vs. Harry Potter (Harry Potter)Teenage female angst, or teenage male angst? When witches and wizards collide, nothing good can come of it. Will Sabrina become the new Voldemort, or will Harry suddenly be the proud new owner of a black talking cat?
Mechanical DivisionWALL-E (WALL-E) vs. Bender (Futurama)...I think this match speaks for itself.
Cameron (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) vs. Dragoon Fenix (Starcraft)The Dragoons are immortal - never dying, reborn again and again, as long as you have a Gateway, Cybernetics Core, and enough resources to build them. Fenix is the greatest and best remembered of all the Dragoons, bravely sacrificing himself to make the Zerg suffer. Cameron, on the other hand, is a really hot mechanical guardian. Really, she's really hot. And she can fight. So...wait, where was I going with this?
Epic DivisionRyu Hayabusa (Ninja Gaiden) vs. Sharon (LoL2)"ninjas are better than pirates because they have lethal martial arts training"
"nuh-uh pirates have guns"
"ninjas have shurkens and are faster and invisible"
"pirates have their parrots to help them"
"NINJAS TURN INTO LOGS"
"PIRATES HAVE SCURVY"
Phoenix Wright (Phoenix Wright) vs. Johnny Cochran (The OJ Simpson Trial)OBJECTION vs. The Chewbacca Defense. The ultimate legal battle is about to take place, and it doesn't involve medical ethics. Kevorkian would be so disappointed. Will there truly be justice for all, or will the guilty walk free?
Short version:
Mumble vs. Mao
Shrek vs. Firkraag
Miss Cleo vs. Yugi
Sabrina vs. Harry
WALL-E vs. Bender
Cameron vs. Dragoon Fenix
Ryu Hayabusa vs. Sharon
Phoenix Wright vs. Johnny Cochran
You have about 1 week and a day or so to vote! Get cracking!
