Star Ocean 4 Abridged:
NOTE: I am skipping PAs from here on in cause they're hard to parody, given their nature, so yeah, only doing plot scenes.
Episode 8 - They Don't Make Planets Like They Use Too.
Edge: So, Arumat, is the Grigori in-...
Arumat: Yes.
Edge: And we have to...
Arumat: Yes.
Reimi: Ok, so how are we going to...
Arumat: I didn't come along to smack you all for saying that a mission isn't time for idle banther.
Reimi: Well, EXCUSE ME.
*After exploring the dungeon, beaitng up a bunch of bugs, getting eaten by quicksand a few times, among other shit that you don't need to know about*
Lymle: Look at the giant bug. Is it sleeping?
Myuria: Its not asleep, its dead...
Arumat: Can we stop talking about the useless bug and actually pay attention to the huge glowing rock near it pulsating with evil energy?
Edge: In Otherwords, the Grigori is right there?
Bacchus: Censors would indicate that this is indeed the case.
Egde: Well, what are we waiting for? Lets destroy it!
*the bug turns all red, turns to life, gets possessed by the Grigori...actually, you don't quite understand what's happening, since its quite surreal*
Large Fucking Bug (LFB): We are One! All is one! One is all! WE WILL CHANGE THIS UNIVERSE! OBLIVION!
Edge: Shit! I'm hearing voices in my head! I can't go insane yet!
Reimi: No, its not just you Edge...I HEAR THEM TOO!
Lymle: My head is hurting...
LFB: You will all SUBMIT!!!! to the Darkness! ...er...I mean...wait, crap, wrong thing. Hang on a moment...
*LFB checks script*
LFB: Ah, there we go. ACCEPT! ACCEPT! ACCEPT!!!! Embrace...NOTHINGNESS!
Everyone but Arumat: Yes, we will join the-...
*Arumat stabs ground with Scythe*
Edge: Huh, zuh? I feel like I was just a zombie...
Arumat: Hmph, you can't trick me with that crap. I'm too bad ass for that! ...also, it may have something to do with the fact that I remember all my fallen comrades you destroyed, but I'm going to stick with the bad ass excuse.
Lymle: Mattie saved us, 'kay!
Arumat: I didn't do that to save you, I did it cause you guys would be a nuisance if you all died.
Myuria: Do you even listen to yourself sometimes?
Arumat: Why should I? I'm a veteran ass kcking machine and you're just a bunch of amateurs!
LFB: SILENCE!!! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!
*boss fight is initiated*
Arumat: Damn it! My attacks that normally do ridiculous damage are doing like 1/10th their normal damage...
Bacchus: It seems like all other Grigori Bosses, this one has a weak spot we must exploit. By which I mean this is going to get annoying.
Edge: Great, anything else we should worry about?
Myuria: Well, it does seem to have an infinite number of offspring that can hit us with Silence and Poison status...
LFB: Nothingness...IS ETERNAL!!!
Myuria: Also, seems to be a Nobody Reject...
LFB: YOU WILL NEVER WIN! Open your-...wait, crap, wrong line again!
Arumat: Fuck this *pulls a blind side, smacks guy, it takes 8000 damage* I think I just found this atrocities weak point...
Edge: Alright guys! HIT ITS WEAK FOR POINT MASSIVE-...
Arumat: And its dead.
Edge: ...damage...
*Grigori explodes*
Arumat: There, our mission is complete.
Edge: Alright, on to En II! You're all coming with me, right?
Everyone but Arumat: Right!
Lymle: You're coming too, right Mattie?
Arumat: No.
Lymle: But you're our friend now, 'kay? You saved us.
Arumat: No.
Lymle: But friends are people you don't want to die.
Myuria: Lymle, despite being an Eldarian, he's the polar opposite of Faize...which does explain why you seem to actually like him, thinking on it...
Arumat: You're just a naive amateur who rides on luck. How long do you think that will last?
Edge: I'll take you up on that bet! I bet you we can ride on this luck forever!
Arumat: ...you said the same thing he did. How Capricious. Well then, lets go!
Sarah: That's right! Now we must go find the Grogori!
Myuria: That's Grigori...
Sarah: Right! The Gregory!
Entire Team : *Facepalm*
NOTE: She actually makes that mistake in game.
*Scene shift TO SPACE, Phantom Ships are shooting Eldarian Refugees*
Random Dude: Carrier has arrived.
Crowe: Keep firing! Damn it, I need more men! I'll order all these ships!
Random Dude: You have not enough minerals! You require more vespene gas!
Crowe: CRAP! How are the ships holding up?
Different Guy: Most have been shot down...BUT 3 HAVE SUCCESSFULLY ESCAPED!
Crowe: Well, shit, we can't let those bastards win!
Faize: Even though I'm right here, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! MY BRETHREN ARE BEING SLAUGHTERED! I'm...I'M USELESS! NO! I...WON'T LET THEM DIE!!!!
*Faize leaves the bridge, their ship gets hit*
Crowe: STATUS REPORT!
Oblique 3rd guy: Our engine has been hit! We lost some thrust power!
Crowe: Get it repaired ASAP! Faize, I need you to...Faize? Where'd you go?
Random Dude: Air Hatch Has Been Open!
Crowe: Ok, that's not a Starcraft line, so you're fired! That said...SHIT! He wouldn't dare...
*the Sol leaves the ship*
Faize: I'll protect them all. I'll save everyone single handedly with this little meager ship that shouldn't be armed but is. I'LL PROTECT MY ENTIRE RACE!!! THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN DO BUT EDGE CAN'T! YOU'LL SEE!
*eyes turn evil red again*
Faize: DIE FUCKING PHANTOM BASTARD SCUM YOU PIECE OF SHIT ^*^*@)(^
*Faize gets engulfed in big shiny glorious light*
Crowe: Faize! Are you alright? Faize? FAIZE!? FAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
*back with Edge and Co.*
Edge: Finally, back to the Calnus...OFF TO En II WE GO! BACCHUS! SET THE CO-ORDINATES!
Bacchus: Affirmative!
Reimi: Say, Edge, I just remembered something...
Edge: Hm?
Reimi: Haven't we...deviated from our ordres, and gone against them to get the Grigori?
Edge: Yeah...
Reimi: We have to report back to the SRF eventually, you know, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS!?
Edge: ...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Reiimi: Yeah, but...well, I'm sure we can find a way around it...but what about Crowe? They'll juts dismiss the Grigori thing, maybe, but Crowe...HE'S SCREWED IF WE MENTION HIM!
Edge: ...you had to tell me that, didn't you? *Sigh* Alright, everyone. we're about to go to En II. We have to learn the SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE. So you need to make sure you wanna-...
Reimi: I'm in.
Bacchus: Affirmative.
Myuria: Yep.
Meracle: Ditto, Meow!
Lymle: 'kay.
Arumat: Whatever.
Sarah: I can't fly, so I'm stuck anyway!
Edge: ...well, that makes everything easier. Off to En II we go!
*on the way to En II*
Lymle: Mattie...
Arumat: Yes?
Lymle: You're sitting in Faize's seat, 'kay?
Arumat: Oh, I'll leave when he gets back, don't worry. For now, though, he's not here, and I want to be comfortable.
Meracle: You miss Faize, don't you Lymle?
Lymle: I don't care for Faize at all, 'kay?
Sarah: You're face says different.
Lymle: Faize can be gone forever, I don't care.
Bacchus: Sorry to break the mood, but my censors tell us there's an energy source coming at us...fast...
Edge: Can you make out what they are?
Bacchus: Yes, they are...ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LASER BEAMS.
Edge: ...WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
*Ship takes hit*
Edge: Status report!
Reimi: Damage minimal! By which I mean half the ship is blown apart...
Edge: Oh, so nothing big, ok.
Bacchus: I sense two ships in front of us, putting visual on now.
*two Phantom Ships appear*
Edge: Umm...ok, this is bad.
Arumat: Put the gun controls over here, I'll take 'em down if you don't mind! I'm good at this stuff!
Myuria: While I agree that would be a good idea...this ship is only equipped with Nerf slingshots.
Arumat: Oh...well...scratch that idea.
Edge: IN that case...RETREA-...
*Ship gets hit again*
Edge: Ok, that's not going to work, ENERGY SHIELDS NO-...
*Shields get hit*
Reimi: Only 40% of them are left! We can't survive another volley!
Edge: ...WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
Bacchus: My censors indicate there's a 3rd ship of unknown signature behind us.
Edge: Well, it was good while it lasted...say Reimi, can you survive in space with your special powers?
Reimi: I...don't know?
*The Phantom Ships get blasted in half by two well placed lasers*
Reimi: Oh, good, now I won't have to find out!
Edge: Better yet, we're going to live! Say, who saved us? Is that a Morphus ship?
Bacchus: Negative. It seems more like an Earth ship.
Voice: SRF-003 Calnus, open contact! We are not your enemy!
Edge: Ok, so they're from Earth. Patch them through!
*Commander Lightspeed Kenni appears*
Edge: OMG! ITS LIGHTSPEED KENNI! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Myuria: Whose he?
Reimi: Oh, first human to ever break Lightspeed. He's a big hero, and the guy who pioneered space exploration. I think Edge is getting a bit over his head...
Reimi's thoughts: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! ITS REALLY HIM! AND HE'S SO SEXY!
Kenni: Ah, Captain Edge Maverick I presume.
Edge: *breaks out of fanboy mode* Uh, yes, that's me.
Kenni: Good to see your alive, SRF-003 Calnus. As you already know, I am Commander Kenni.
Edge: Captain Edge Maverick of the Calnus, sir!
Reimi: First Officer Reimi Sayonji (SP?), sir!
Meracle: I'm Meracle, meow!
Lymle: Hello.
Myuria: Now's not the time you guys
*Drags both away*
Sarah: Oh my, I'm Sarah, and I'm of the Featherfolk, and I can't fly!
Bacchus: This would be an inappropriate moment for such things.
*Bacchus carries Sarah off*
Kenni: Quite a crew you have...
Edge: Uh, yeah, sorry we have a bunch of aliens you've never heard of.
Kenni: No, its fine; a Captain is allowed to use whoever he sees fit.
Edge: So...uh...yeah, about that report...
Kenni: Ah, yes, please tell me in excruciating detail!
Edge: Will do! You see, it all started when I was 5 and...
*screen turns blank for a second*
Edge: And that's my life story until this exact moment!
Kenni: *is sleeping*
Reimi: Um...Edge...you were suppose to tell him only the stuff related to the mission...
Edge: Oh...uhh...oops...say, WAKE UP!
Kenni: What? Zuh? Oh, I'm sorry. You're quite enthuisaistic Edge. To think you've went through all that without breaking, truly a remarkable man indeed!
Edge: Sweet! I got praised by THE LIGHTSPEED KENN!I
Kenni: Which pains me to say we're going to blow up the Calnus.
Edge: Swee-...wait WHAT?
Kenni: Oh, don't worry, we aren't going to blow it up with YOU in it. We'll just forcefully pull you off the ship to ours and...
Edge: ...why?
Kenni: Oh, I should probably explain the current scenario. You see, Eldarian ships were sighted outside of Mars on a basic investigation...a bunch of them. Naturally, Earth extended an open arm to help the only extraterrestrials we've confirmed existing...
Edge: Yeah, well, I just confirmed at least 3 other races exist besides them...
Kenni: Yes, I'm aware. Anyway, the Eldarians however blamed Earth for the destruction of Eldar!
Edge: But...the Phantoms did that...
Kenni: Yes, yes they did. But the Eldarians just saw our ships blowing them up so they came to their own conclusions. Oh, don't worry, their Commander Gaghan argued on our behalf...but to no avail.
Edge: So...uh...are we at war with the Eldarians?
Kenni: Oh, no. The USTA simply just pretended the SRF doesn't exist, and we have to destroy all evidence that it does, thereby proving its a physical impossibility for us to have destroyed them. THIS MEANS ALL EVIDENCE MUST GO!
Edge: That's just a charrade though...
Kenni: IT is, but to make sure it works, they have officially disbanded the SRF...and I'm suppose to help make that a reality by blowing up all traces of it. You know, wipe a clean slate?
Edge: WELL YOU CAN SUCK IT.
Kenni: Huh?
Edge: You're not taking the Calnus! Is that what the SRF stood for? Fuck, I'm not giving up my ship! I'm leaving whether you like it or not!
Kenni: You'll be branded a traitor...
Edge: That's better than following those stupid orders, right guys?
Reimi: I'm in.
Bacchus: Affirmative.
Myuria: Yep.
Meracle: Ditto, Meow!
Lymle: 'kay.
Arumat: Whatever.
Sarah: Goodness Gracious!
Kenni: Well, if that's how it is, so be it! Don't forget that resolve boy! I won't do anything, but know that since you defied our commands, the USTA can't help you out and you probably won't be allowed back on Earth. Again, I am not trying to sound like a douche, just indicating that bad things MAY occur.
Edge: Yeah, well, we're not going back to Earth anytime soon.
Kenni: Very well, God Speed young one!
*Calnus warps off*
Heinz: Sir, was that the right thing to do?
Kenni: Shh! I'm lost in thought, I need to flashback so I can get some actual screen time and development!
Heinz: My apologies!
*Flashback*
Kenni: What do you mean you're disbanning the SRF?
Shimada: Ah, yes, I'm doing it cause it'll make me look better in front of Eldarians. You know, it'll help my political career if I get not only people of our planet, but aliens to vote for me as well!
Shimada's Bitches: Yes, brilliant idea sir! WELL SAID!
Kenni: But...what about exploring space so we can leave Earth before it completely decays and we die?
Shimada: HA! The Earth isn't going to die tomorrow!
Shimada's Bitches: Yes, brilliant idea sir! WELL SAID!
Kenni: So we're just going to throw away all the dreams of those young kids? Throw away all the aspirations of Earth? Have you even considered just asking Gaghan, whose a very reasonable guy and even shown he knows we didn't do it, to try and speak on Earth's behalf?
Shimada: You ignobles are so naive! I must do this so I look better and GET A PROMOTION!
Shimada's Bitches: Yes, brilliant idea sir! WELL SAID!
Shimada: You think your hero status matters more than MY DEPUTY COMMANDER RANK!? NO!? Good, know that you're just selfish in MY presence!
Kenni: Yes, yes its so selfish to want to perserve mankind's fate, compared to furthering space exploration for your own political career. </obvious confrontational sarcasm>
Shimada: I'm glad you understand!
*Flashback ends*
Heinz: Hello! Boss! Earth to guy who is the ancestor of a Star Ocean 1 Archer/Mage and the Main Character of Star Ocean 2!
Kenni: Huh? What? Oh, sorry, I was just reminiscing about how easily I accepted these stupid orders. How will we tell them we let the Calnus go I wonder...
Heinz: Well, sir, actually, the orders were...ah...kind of vague enough that I know a way!
Kenni: Oh?
Heinz: He said "Destroy all SRF Ships", but well lets analyze this. The SRF is suppose to not exist anymore, and was suppose to never exist. Therefor, how can we run into a ship from a non-existent federation?
Kenni: In Other Words, a loop hole, so we can tell the "truth" and not feel guilty?
Heinz: Pretty much.
Kenni: Isn't that a total charade?
Heinz: Well, you are countering ANOTHER charade with it.
Kenni: ...touche...
*back at the Calnus*
Bacchus: Its going to take a while til we reach En II. This would be a good moment to sleep, and do PAs.
Edge: Alright, later all, I'm going to take a nap.
*One Nap later*
Edge: AAAH! That was good...ok, time to head to the Bri-...
*Insert Disc 3*
Edge: Wait WHAT? AGAIN!?
*Edge changes discs since Meracle isn't around to bitch slap into doing it*
Edge: Ok, NOW onto the Bridge!
Reimi: Um...Edge...we're at En II but...I can't see it...but the Co-ordinates are...
Myuria: If you knew you were being watched, wouldn't YOU try to hide?
Reimi: Oh, is that all there is?
*Huge fucking Pyramid appears out of nowhere*
Edge: WHOA! I didn't see that there before! It appeared out of nowhere! How does that even work?
Myuria: Edge, Bacchus has been using Cloaking Devices on himself and on the Ship for quite a while now, don't you think that Nedian Morphus technology MAY be advanced enough for such things?
Voice: Welcome, comrades.
Edge: ...you two never told me the Morphus were communists,
Arumat: Great, just what I need; a bunch of ancient high tech commis...
Voice: We are ready to welcome you aboard. There are urgent matters so small talk won't do. Please, come in.
*Calnus lands in the "planet"*
Bacchus: Edge, I must take my leave for about 5 minutes. I am going to install HIGH TECH WEAPONRY onto the Calnus, if that's alright.
Edge: So you're going to turn an Exploration ship into a Warship?
Bacchus: Precisely.
Edge: ...LETS DO IT!
Voice: Outsiders, please, go meet "Ex"
Reimi: Whose "Ex"?
Myuria: He's...ah...well...you see...oh screw it, its just easier to show you when we get there.
*team goes to where "Ex" is*
Edge: So are you "Ex"?
Guy: No, I'm Giotto. You are all my new Comrades too.
Edge: I...see? Anyway, hi, I'm Edge Maverick. Everyone, introduce yourselves!
*they all do*
Edge: Now, Shake my hand will you?
Giotto: ....
Edge: Uh, is that such an odd request?
<actual lines of dialog>
Giotto: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking the proper way to address you. 325 different ways came to mind but I couldn't think of the proper way to formulate it.
Edge: You...put a lot of thought into this?
Myuria: Giotto's not what one would call a people person.
Sarah: Yes, there's lots of people like that around!
</actual lines of dialog>
Edge: Well, a simple Hi and a handshake would work!
Giotto: Anyway, its time you meet "Ex"
*Giotto turns on computer*
Cyril: YES! SOON US! GOD'S 10 WISE MEN SHALL BE-...
Giotto: Oh, wait, wrong button...
Cyril: NO! I haven't finished speak-
*Computer shifts*
Edge: What was that about?
Giotto: Something not part of THIS story, I can assure you. Anyway, here is "Ex"
"Ex": GREETINGS! I AM THE ALL AND POWERFUL "EX". I KNOW EVERYTHING! I AM THE WILL OF THE NEDIANS MORPHUS!
Edge: Um, hi there?
"Ex": NOW I WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT THE GRIGORI AND PHANTOMS. THEY SEEK TO FURTHER EVOLUTION FOR THE MISSING PROCEDURE, AND THUS DESTROY EVERYTHING TO CREATE A NEW UNIVERSE! ONE DEVOID OF LIFE! THIS IS THE NATURAL WAY OF THE UNIVERSE WHEN IT RESPONDS TO EVOLUTION!
Edge: Wait...so by evolving, we further the destruction of the universe? So by EXISTING, we're not different than Grigori? WELL FUCK. Doesn't that throw some horrible philosophical bullshit into all of this. I mean, learning that ALL LIFE harms the universe? Geez, so the answer to the "meaning of life" is "everything is insipid poison to destroy existence." Great thing to learn.
"Ex": IT IS TRUE THAT YOU ARE NOT ENTIRELY GUITLESS, BUT YOUR PURE HEARTS!!! OFFSET ALL THAT!! CAUSE YOUR EVOLUTION IS NATURAL, YOU CAN EVOLVE WITHOUT HARMING THE UNIVERSE!!!
Arumat: Ok, I think I've finally lost my mind. A FUCKING COMPUTER is telling us that the universe is going to be destroyed, but cause we have PURE HEARTS, we can save it? WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS GUY RULER OF EN II?
Myuria: Hey, don't look at me. I voted for "Ziroh".
"Ex": YOU MUST STOP THE GRIGORI BEFORE THE MISSING PROCEDURE KILLS EVERYONE! THAT IS THE NATURE OF LIFE ENERGY AND EVOLUTION! THIS EVIL EXTERNAL FORCE THAT WISHES TO DESTROY ALL LIFE SO THAT THERE IS A STATIC UNIVERSE THAT FOLLOWS UP MUST BE STOPPED!
Arumat: In otherwords, we destroy the missing procedure, and all is good? Sounds simple enough.
Edge: I don't think its that easy...
Giotto: The Missing Procedure cannot be destroyed. It is infinite.
Reimi: So...all is lost, and everything is futile?
Giotto: Oh, you can't DESTROY the Missing Procedure, but you can STOP IT, and halt its progress, and isn't that good enough?
Edge: I...guess?
"Ex": I HAVE CONFIRMED A WAY THAT WILL WORK! ALL YOU NEED TO...OH NO. IT SEEMS THE EN II IS UNDER ATTACK BY OUR ENEMIES THE PHANTOMS AND A GRIGORI! WE WILL GET A DEFENSIVE SQUAD REA-...
Edge: We'll do it! We've beat up so many Grigori, we're experts at it, right?
"Ex":BWAHAAHHAAH! SUCH VIGOROUS YOUTH! VERY WELL. YOU UNDERDEVELOPED SPECIES BY OUR STANDARDS SHALL GO AND DESTROY IT! GO SAVE THE UNIVERSE, YOUNG ONES!
*"Ex" shuts off*
Myuria: You know, all this time, I didn't know "Ex" was capable of laughter.
Giotto: Nor did I. I guess you guys must have hit a nerve somewhere.
Arumat: Wait, are you saying that computer has ACTUAL EMOTIONS AND PERSONALITY?
Giotto: Yes, is that really so odd?
Arumat: where do you want me to start?
Edge: We don't have time for that! Where's the Grigori?
Giotto: It seems to be in the sanctuary.
Bacchus: Yes, then we shall proceed to that very location!
----
Arumat: So, I think as the Eldarian that replaced Faize, its my duty to figure out what's going on right now.
Myuria: Hm?
Arumat: Basically, some external source thinks we're evolving too fast, right?
Myuria: Apparently.
Arumat: And said source believes it to be a god, and wants to destroy our universe, replacing it with one that doesn't evolve but stays static, right?
Myuria: Yeah, is this going anywhere?
Arumat: Yes. Do you think its possible that we're nothing more than a Massive Multiplayer Online RPG for some people in a different dimension, and we've somehow grown our own personalities, and now they're trying to delete us through some really lame attempts?
Myuria: What? That's nonsense! Of course the Phantoms aren't something like that! They're just some pricks who want to destroy the universe and came out of nowhere!
Arumat: Yeah, I guess when you put it that way, my theory doesn't make much sense; this is why I stick more to fighting than thinking. I mean, what are the chances that it could be true?