Onimusha 3 Abridged:
Episode 2: Too Awesome To Have Its Own Title!May not be awesome at all
Narrator: When we last left our hero...that is, the European one...whose currently in Japan...speaking English...with the past version of our OTHER hero...
Jacques: Ok, you've confused the audience enough, can we please get on with the game?
Narrator: Right right! He found a wrist watch...in feudal Japan...and went to go find its origins!
Jacques: Clearly, we must split up cause that's what we heroes do!
Samonosuke: Agreed! You do all the work while I become useless as an NPC!
Jacques: Sounds like a plan!
*they do exactly that, Jacques enters a random house*
Jacques: Hi there, do you recognize this WESTERN OBJECT?
Merchant: no.
Jacques: Ah, good, where did you get it?
Merchant: ...did you listen to me?
Jacques: No, no I did not, mostly cause I KNOW you saw it.
Merchant: OUT!!!!
Jacques: What?
Merchant: OUT!!!!!!!!!!
Jacques: But I just wanna....
Merchant: OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacques:*gets pushed out the door* As if that's going to stop me! *door is locked* ...it seems he is smarter than I thought. I need to get back in there...oh hey, an open window! Now if only I could get up there...
Kid: Hey Mister! There's this cool glowing thing in this barrel over here! Can you get me one of those sweet green things and I'll trade you for it?
Jacques: Uh, ok...
*goes to the Watermelon stand*
Jacques: GIVE ME A WATERMELON OR I'LL BE FORCED TO TALK IN FRENCH!
Watermelon Guy: EEK! Here you go!
Jacques: Thank you good sir; here, take this wristwatch! You want it cause its from the west!
Watermelon Guy: SWEET!
*Jacques makes the exchange, uses his whip to get up on the beetle to the roof, gets inside*
Merchant: Why do we have to trade with the east?
Boss Dude: Cause they give us awesome stuff! That and Nobunaga said so.
Merchant: Oh, right, him. Fine, lets put this stuff on a ship and get out of here.
Boss Dude: HEY! I call the shots here.
Jacques: The plot thickens...say, what's that weird artifact-*random LIGHTNING SWORDCHUCKS appear in Jacques hand* Holy crap, where did this thing come from? And where did this random file about a boat by some guy named Guildenstern come from?
Samanosuke: Ah, what did you find?
Jacques: This.
Samanosuke: *reads* ...Guildenstern's at it again, whelp, time to get beat him down.
Jacques: Whose he?
Samanosuke: Genma researcher.
Jacques: Why's he named after a Hamlet character if this is Japan?
Samanosuke: Cause he's actually Skeletor.
Jacques: ...I see...well, we best go stop him!
Samanosuke: Agreed!
*lots of demons appear in the town...ok, they were there a few lines back, but hush*
Jacques: Time to try my new weapon out! *He kicks some ass with it, they get to the boat*
Random Samurai Dude: HA! My name is HAIHACHIRO HONDA! BEHOLD MY POINTED STICK!
Samanosuke: Uh...ok, so we have to fight you?
Honda: Ah, but I am one of Nobunaga's most trusted disciples, YOU CANNOT BEAT ME!
Jacques: We have you out numbered two to one...
Honda: I AM THE GREATEST SAMURAI IN JAPAN!
Samanosuke: And we're holding Oni Gauntlets of power, and magical weapons to match...
Honda: MY WEAPON GLOWS FIERCE!
Jacques: Not to mention I'm french...
Honda: ...on second though, I'm outta here. WE SHALL MEET AGAIN!
Jacques: What the hell just happened?
Samanosuke: I don't know...what I do know is the SHIP IS LEAVING!
Jacques: Hey! Its my motorcycle! What's it doing here? ....wait, don't answer that. Now I have an idea! I'll just...wait, where's my keys? WHERE'S MY GOD DAMN KEYS!?
Ako: Here they are!
Jacques: Ah, thanks, and...wait, how'd you get these?
Ako: Well, you see...
*flashback to 5 minutes ago...and 500 years in the future...*
Henri: *at his laptop* FATHER NEEDS MY HELP! *runs to grab his motorcycle keys*
Michelle: Huh? Is something wrong Henri?
Ako: Here I am!
Henri: Here, take these to dad!
Ako: Ok!
*flash back to Henri*
Jacques: Note to self, give my son a raise on his allowance. But in any event, its time to GET ON THAT SHIP!
Samanosuke: Dare I ask how you're going to use a mechanical bike to get across the ocean?
Jacques: Here's a trick I learned...FROM THE FUTURE!!! *he makes an illogically large motorcycle jump, landing on the ship. Samanosuke was on the bike with him*
Samanosuke: Wow, you can do some amazing things with this bike!
Jacques: Yeah, no one will be able to outbad ass THIS!
*insert Devil May Cry 3's famous Motorcycle scene here*
Jacques: ...damn you Capcom...anyway, we have to chase this Guildenstern guy, eh?
Samanosuke: Yeah, but being stuck on this ship, our progress is limited to where this ship goes. So basically...
Jacques: ...its a good time to let your future self deal with things, got it. Ako, you know what to do!
Ako: Right!
*shift back to France*
Ako: HENRI! I got the keys to your dad! He says thank you and wants you and Michelle to get along.
Michelle: Isn't that great Henri!?
Henri: ...
*Michelle's cellphone rings*
Michelle: Hello...yeah...you don't say...really? That's interesting. Got it. Ok. *looks at Samanosuke* ...its for you...
Samanosuke: Wait, someone called your...evil magical box that lets you talk to people from a distance...in an attempt to speak to ME?
Michelle: Yes.
Samanosuke: Even though I'm from 500 years in the past...and Japan no less?
Michelle: Just answer the god damn phone.
Samanosuke: *sigh* Fine...Hello?
Michelle: ...you're holding it upside down.
Samanosuke: Oh, right. Hello?
Skeletor: Greetings Samanosuke.
Samanosuke: ...hi there...evil generic demon guy.
Skeletor: Hey, is that a way to greet an old friend?
Samanosuke: We were never friends!
Skeletor: Please spare me your cheesey heroic dialog.
Samanosuke: But that's all I have!
Skeletor: Whatever, meet me at Notre Dame NOW! Oh yeah, its not a trap!
Samanosuke: Ok. *hands phone up* I'm heading to Notre Dame, you stay here with Henri.
Michelle: Ok...wait, how do you even know where Notre Dame is? You're from Japan 500 years ago!
Samanosuke: Because I just DO, ok?
Michelle: Whatever, I'll watch after Henri.
So Samanosuke heads off to Notre Dame! In there, he fights MORE ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS! SOME WEIRD ROLLING LIZARD GUYS! As well as dealing with ROTATING BLADES! CREST PUZZLES! And the search for the sacred ROPE LADDER!
...oh yeah, he also gets a new big katana that he can swing faster than his small twin blades...
But tune in next time as Samanosuke fights the rest of...NOTRE DAME!
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Yes, the entire abridged series, Guildenstern will be referred to as "Skeletor" if its not obvious. I feel it is most appropriate.