Star Ocean 4: I have decided to do rants in this style from here on out! Note that ALL OF THEM MAY HAVE POTENTIAL SPOILERS. Read at your own digression. So whenever you see a Meeple Post and "Star Ocean 4", remember that Spoilers are likely!
That said...
Narrator: And so, Edge, his annoying best friend stereotype, some perfectly elegant alien guy, and a little girl decide to look around the Cardonian ship!
Reimi: You know, its weird; we haven't seen any of those freaky lizard people besides those first two when we got here...
Edge: We've seen plenty of guard bots though, clearly that's enough to mean they care about us!
Faize: ...I don't think its that simple...
*team comes to a door*
Edge: So...why won't this door open?
Faize: It seems we need a pass code of sorts...and another special ring that certainly won't conveniently be in this dungeon to power up said device, there by making us able to let us progress.
Lymle: Say, this ring here looks like our fire ring, only it has lightning on it, 'kay?
Edge: Sweet! Now we can-...wait, shit, it only has 2 charges? FUCK! Now we gotta be actually conservative!
*the team enters some refrigerated room*
Edge: Is it me, or is it cold in here?
Faize: They're in cold sleep! also, this would explain why we didn't see many of them til we got here..
Edge: ...but we were just fighting a bunch in the last three rooms...
Faize: Irrelevant! What matters is they're sleeping!
Reimi: That doesn't explain why they're mutating though!
Faize: Who said anything about mutating?
Edge: Well, this dead guy has a card key...except its frozen to his body conveniently...ok, we need to heat this room up so we get this card key!
Reimi: Wait, wouldn't that wake them all up?
Lymle: We aren't suppose to second guess the game's plot progression Reirei, 'kay?
Reimi: Oh, right, forget I said that!
*team pushes switch, room warms up, ALL THE FREAKKISH LIZARDS WAKE UP*
Edge: PEARS INTO PEACHES!!!
*Lizard freaks all die*
Edge: That's somewhere around 80 points! Anyway, lets...GOD DAMN IT! Another door that needs charging and I'm out of charges...
Faize: Not to worry, Edge, there's a convenient charging station 2 rooms back for our Ring, which nevermind is weird cause this is a highly advanced civilization and this ring looks more mystical...
Reimi: ...the lizards use magic too, you know; we've fought several mages...heck, you're from an advanced civilization and you use Magic too!
Faize: I do? I thought I use Symbology...
*team gets to big computer*
Faize: I have downloaded info about the Cardionan! It seems they are trying to invade planets left and right and-...
Edge: ...we know this already...
Faize: Wait, how? We didn't mention it in plot until now!
Edge: Yes, but our handy GALACTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA GIVEN TO US BY TRI-ACE already gave us a full synopsis on them.
Faize: ...you mean people actually READ that?
Edge: No, and by that, I mean Reimi hits me over the head with it constantly, so I'm forced to glance at it from time to time...
Reimi: Hey, keep me out of-...say, isn't that the thing we saw on Lemuris?
Edge: Hey, that's my line!
Faize: Well, its info conveniently locked, but I can read its name...but the name is fucking retarded so until we figure out a better thing to call it, we're just gonna call it the EVIL MACGUFFIN!
Lymle: I don't like that name, 'kay?
Edge: Well, its easier to say and type than Epiphany of Guidance...
Reiimi: Have we found a way off this ship?
Faize: Oh, there's a generator somewhere further in, in this "Isolation Chamber"...which conveniently has the EVIL MACGUFFIN too...I say we head over there! Oh yeah, its probably going to be heavily guarded and filled with traps and-...
*Everyone is already halfway down the hall*
Faize: ...well, THIS is surely going to go over well...
Edge: Well, lets get...wait, when did we get put into this room that's got no doors? Ah well, SWORD SLASH TO THE WALL! HA! TAKE THAT RPG CLICHES! I'M USING AN EASY WAY O-*Sword tinks on wall* ...nevermind. Say, lets try magic!
Faize: I've been having Lymle do that for the past hour, if you didn't notice...
Edge: Really? I thought she was just stretching...
Lymle: My Symbology won't work, 'kay?
Reimi: Why is everything we do not working?
Faize: *insert technobabble regarding attack nullification here*
The other three: Oh, that makes sense.
*BIG VIDEO SCREEN APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE*
Lymle: Is that what we call TV, Reirei?
Reimi: No, its called an evil villain monitor; apparently, Sci-fi movies weren't exaggerating when they say they all have them...
Lizard Freak: GOOD EVENING GENTLEMEN AND SPECIMENS! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!
Edge: What you say!?
Lizard Freak: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME...inferior beings...
Edge: Ok, fuck this Zero Wing Rip off, LET US OUT OF HERE!
Lizard Freak: No, but if you inferior beings would take care of that Steel Giant that has the same symbol and ship as the one you came on...without us letting you out of the base...we can get back to properly punishing you and taking our two specimens!
Edge: Wait, what?
Lizard Freak: ...just get rid of the Steel Giant by yelling at him so we can kill you and the green haired bishie, while we mate with the female species. We haven't decided what we'll do with he little girl yet though...
Lymle: Faize, I don't know what mating is, can you tell me, 'kay?
Faize: I don't know; according to Edge's encyclopedia, my race has evolved to the point where we don't use such out of date methods of reproduction, and rely entirely on genetic manipulation to make babies.
Lymle: Faize makes my head hurt...
Edge: Fine, we'll do it, not like we have a choice...
Reimi: Wait WHAT!? You're just gonna let me get used by these freaks like that? NO EDGE! I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO THROUGH WITH IT!
Edge: Hey, at least you're insured to survive...but anyway, BIG UGLY STEEL THING! I know you're a friend of my arch rival...SO BLOW THIS PLACE UP!
Lizard Freak: Well, nothing wrong can come of this, laters! *Video screen disappears*
Faize: Seems we have a lot of time ti kill, lets try to think of what to do in this absolutely hopeless scenario...
Edge: Yeah, I agree.
Edge's Mind: Damn it! IF Lymle wasn't here, this would have been a perfect opportunity to get some aciton with Reimi, even though I haven't shown any real romantic interest in her, my enyclopedia entry claims we're slowly becoming a thing. What about Faize? Oh, his race doesn't deal with this stuff, so he probably doesn't even know what porn is, so he'll just assume its an odd ritual.
Reimi: Edge, what the hell are you pondering about?
Edge: ...would you believe me if I said it was wondering what the hell is *THAT* on the huge video screen over there?
*Video Screen shifts, large freaking robotic thing appears and blows a hole in the wall where the team is*
Faize: I think that's the Steel Giant...
*Mega Man Boss Intro Theme plays, as the smoke reveals Mega Man*
Mega Man: Are you Mr. Edge? Good, cause I've come to rescue you!
Edge: Sweet! Rescued by Mega Man!
Mega Man: By the way, my name is Bacchus, and I'm a scientist.
Edge: Oh, uh, yeah, I'm Edge Mav-...er...no, my last name is definitely NOT Maverick! Nope, definitely isn't, nuh-huh! Won't have to go blowing me up and stealing my weapons!
Bacchus: Ok, lets get going and blow stuff up. I'll tell you more about myself later.
Edge: Sweet! Mega Man has joined our team!
*elsewhere on the ship, a Long Eared Pink Haired Girl Wearing Practically Nothing papears*
LEPHGWP: Stuff is going on! Time to be pointlessly cryptic...wait, shit, that was the extent of my camera time here? God damn it!
*back with the heroes*
Lymle: Edgie, what's Mega Man?
Edge: Well he's...oh look, a fight with enemies on a hover craft thing out of nowhere!
*Battle initiates*
Bacchus: Charge Shot...!!!
*enemies all die*
*after running across the bridge, the team reaches a darkened room*
Edge: Man, this room looks utterly normal
*Edge walks into an electric death trap*
Edge: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?
Faize: It would appear the creators of the game hate us and want us to navigate this place, finding out which of these traps are up only for brief moments, and which are up permanently. Oh yeah, they both start blinking at times.
*Team gets through, reaches vending machine*
Lymle: Why does this machine give us stuff?
Bacchus: Its a vending machine.
Lymle: Oh, ok!
Edge: Wait, do Vending Machines even exist on a planet like Lemuris?
Reimi: No, I don't think they do...
Edge; Then how does she know what they are?
Reimi: Square Oversight?
Edge: ...works for me!
*team goes up some stairs to a well lit room*
Edge: So, this room looks *Edge gets zapped,a nd launched 15 feet across the floor* ...safe...
Faize: Ah, its the same puzzle as before, only THIS time, we can't see the lasers!
Edge: So how the fuck are we suppose to figure out where to go?
Bacchus: we could blow up that device over there and cause the place to become idiotically cold, so we can see the lasers...
Edge: Isn't that a cliched tactic that doens't really work as well as its suppose too?
Bacchus: By my calculations...yes.
Edge: ...let's do it!
*team reaches another room that looks the same*
Edge: God damn it, MORE laser Bullshit? Why-...wait, now we have to deal with ROTATING PLATFORMS OF DEATH!? Geez...
Bacchus: According to my research, if you stopped whining and just proceeded, we'd be done with this dungeon already.
Reimi: So its entirely Edge's fault we're still here, got it!
Edge: ...I hate you all...
*team reaches a conveniently empty room*
Bacchus: Ok, we're still up to our necks in lizards, but I think I can safely tell you more about myself. I am actually a person, but I sort of died, and rebuilt myself as a cyborg with awesome weapons attached!
Faize: Ah, ok, that makes sense.
Bacchus: I was also with Mr. Crowe. We took down half the space ship together,but then got kidnapped, so I decided to blow stuff up so he could escape!
Edge: CROWE IS ALIVE! FUCK YEAH!
Bacchus: Oh yeah, I'm heading to the Isolation Chamber to destroy the EVIL MACGUFFIN...which by the way, we call the Grigori...so these lizard freaks can't take over anymore planets! And yes, this is entirely for my races benefit alone, but I assure you, you all will benefit too!
Faize: You guys are a bunch of selfish bastards! But because you acknowledge your hypocritical stance, I trust you, so lets get going!
*team reaches isolation chamber*
Edge: Hey, its that thing from Lemuris!
Bacchus: Stand back everyone! I'm going to stop this thing!
Reimi: Oh! You're going to use some elaborate device that will cause a chain reaction and everything will stop, and we can get going, right?
Bacchus: Uh...yeah, kind of...
*Fires a small scale nuke at the thing obliterating it*
Bacchus: My calculations were correct! A crystal cannot stand up the the power of a focused War Head fired directly at it!
Edge: ...you needed calculations to figure *THAT* out?
*Lizard Freak in a Gundam appears*
Lizard Freak: NO! THAT WAS THE LAST OF THE POWER! WE ARE GODS UNTO YOU! HOW DARE YOU INFERIOR BEINGS DEFILE US!
Edge: Um, that was actually just going to turn you into monsters and fuck over your entire civilization; we kind of did you a favor here...
Lizard Freak: Nonsense! NOW I'M PISSED! BEHOLD MY GUNDAM POWERS!
*he turns into a huge fucking dragon, the gundam is nowhere in sight*
Edge: NOOOOOOO!!!! WHY'D YOU DO THAT!
Reimi: Um, Edge, I think we should be more worried about the fact that there's a big freaking Dragon trying to kill us...
Edge: Oh, right, we have a boss fight, don't we?
*they win*
Edge: Stupid. Dragon. And your. Small. Weak spot. And your. 1/10thing. Damage. Otherwise.
Lymle: We won, why is Edgie sad, 'kay?
Reimi: Cause he wanted to SAVE THESE PRICKS, Lymle.
Lymle: Awww, Edgie is nice, 'kay?
Lizard Freak: If I go down, I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME!
Bacchus: OH noes! A big warhead is about to go off! I'll shield it with my body!
*Explosion hits Bacchus head on*
Edge: Bacchus, are you alright!?
Bacchus: Its just a flesh wound...but I can't really work in battle now, so yeah, this is just a gimmick to force me out of combat. Good thing I found Dr. Light's Damage Halving Capsule a while back.
*team shuts off the tractor beam in the next room*
WARNING! WARNING!
Bacchus: Oh shit, a Robot Master is about to appear! ...alternatively, they have a back up generator that just screws with your plans of escape.
Edge: So what do we do?
Bacchus: use that override and get out of here! YOu must hurry! Of course, you can't carry me with you cause that will slow you down. And yes, having this discussion wastes time as well, EXPOSITION!!!!
Faize: What if we fail to get there in time?
Bacchus: The Ship will warp into uncharted territory and you'll never get home. DON'T WORRY! SAVE YOURSELVES! LEAVE ME! I have Extra Lives anyway!
Edge: Oh no you don't! You've lost too many already on spike pits. Come on everyone, LETS DRAG HIM OUT OF HERE...LITERALLY!
*they do exactly that, door is about to close*
Edge: We're not going to-...huh, why did it stop?
LEPHGWP: Hmm...you're not that Red Haired Man...oh well, my showing up is cryptic enough, later!
Edge: ...k, what was up with that? And we're just gonna stand here while the door closes, eh?
Faize: Oh, don't worry, conveniently, that side path that was BEFORE the big dramatic door closing is the right way anyway. And teh Calnus is on the otherside. Oh yeah, I should note that because there's no clock ticking in the corner, we actually have unlimited time to get out of here, and we'll conveniently get out in the nick of time regardless.
*everything Faize just describes happens*
Edge: Man I love jRPG cliches.
Bacchus: Lets head to EN II, my home planet, where we can talk to more people like me! Ok, they aren't cyborgs scientists like I am, but I assure you, they're friendly!
Edge: Ok, sure, Reimi, Faize, do all the work getting us there, I'm going to take a nap.
Reimi: Alright.
*sudden turbulence during Edge's nap*
Faize: Shit! Everyone to the bridge, WE'RE GETTING SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE!
Edge: ...ok, how the hell is getting to the bridge going to help us out with that?
Bacchus: Actually, I have a theory about Black holes, for you see...
Edge: NO THEORIES! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!
Lymle: Oooh, pretty, 'kay?
*team gets sucked into a black hole, safely lands on another planet*
Reimi: Um...Edge...we're on Earth...except...its not Earth...but it is...
Edge: MAKE SENSE WOMAN!
Reimi: Just look at these results!
Edge: Just what-...oh, yeah...
Faize: Can someone explain what's going on?
Edge: Well, Earth is suppose to be in a post nuclear apocalyptic state, which is why we went to space...except Earth isn't...its very strange. Did I mention that Earthlings a few years before me and Reimi were born were a bunch of douches? Cause they were.
Lymle: I wanna see this world, 'kay?
Edge: No! You must stay here with Reimi! Its SAUSAGE FEST TIME BOYS! We'll investigate it while you girls have a slumber party or something.
Reimi: Oh boy, a slumber party, I feel 8 again ^_^
*Edge and the MANLY MEN...which somehow includes Faize...investigates an abandoned Gas Station*
Edge: HUh, there's no one here?
Faize: Didn't you pay attention, Edge? The upper right corner clearly stated that this place is called "Abandoned Town"
Edge: Oh...for how long?
Faize: Based on all the dust...3 years.
Edge: I see...so this magazine from 1954 is only 3 years old...that makes it 1957...HOLY SHIT WE'RE 150 YEARS IN THE PAST!
Faize: That's absolutely impossible...but of course, since that's the case, it has to be possible. I guess that proves how much my species knows...
Bacchus: I just want to say something!
Edge: Ok, say something.
Bacchus: ...I just did...
Edge: ...
Faize: Hey, what are all those people doing with those guns around our ship?
Edge: FUCK! This is like Roswell or something! WE gotta hide!
Lezard Look Alike: Pardon me, but I can explain stuff. My name is Klaus. Come with me to my house. You can trust me! Oh yeah, I'm certainly NOT a villain.
Edge: Ok, we trust you.
Faize: Why do we trust him?
Edge: Dude! Did you hear him? He specifically said he's not a villain!
Bacchus: He's got you there.
*they reach Klaus' house*
Lymle: EDGIE!!!
Edge: I TOLD YOU TO STAY ON THE SHIP! BAD GIRL! NO LATE NIGHT SNACKS FOR YOU!
Lymle: meanie!
Klaus: Ok, let me explain; your ship is awesome and scientists want to steal it so they can replicate it, advance technology, and then use that technology for selfish greed. As a scientist, I CANNOT ALLOW THIS!
Edge: ...what's in it for us?
Klaus: Your friend was kidnapped by them...
Edge: ...oh...
Klaus: By the way, there's another alien there; she's a cat girl. Go rescue her as well, and bring her home.
Faize: Is this plot making any sense to you, Bacchus?
Bacchus: No, but I have confidence that things will fall into place in a manner of time!