Star Ocean 4:
Narrator: When last we left our heroes, Edge just talked to a guy who was clearly NOT a villain cause he said so, and him and his buddies, which is now minus one archer girl, sets off to a military base, which is clearly NOT suppose to represent Area 51!
Edge: Ok, now we can walk around this area...hey, what's that area with lots of yellow units on the ma-
Faize: No! Edge! We'll get caught that way! Even if they're useless NPCs we could kick the crap out of cause we have a huge hulking giant with a PARTICLE CANNON that can blow stuff up, and he's probably immune to their bullets anyway.
Edge: Oh...then...lets head to that area to the south west where there's a save point, without walking into this big bulbous bubble that provokes your annoying whining then.
*Team does exactly that*
Klaus: Ok, I just need to use this pay phone to make a phone call!
Edge: ...what's a pay phone?
Klaus: What, you never heard of them?
Edge: Cell Phones are out of date technology by my ti-...er...ALIEN RACE's standards, so we hardly even have a good idea what those are...
Edge's Mind: Phew, dodged a bullet there.
Klaus: Whatever, I'm making this phone call now. *Calls* Yeah, its me, Klaus. You know, the guy that quit? Yeah, I conveniently decided I want to help you out Milla. No, this is definitely *NOT* a trap! I swear, I want to help you out!
*Klaus hangs up the phone*
Klaus: So, the base will arrive any minute, you guys ready to set this trap in motion?
Bacchus: Indeed. I will take your weapons and become invisible so they can't see me, and then give you them back when we're in the base!
Edge: ...wait, why you can't just go in alone, invisible, kill everything, get Reimi and that cat-girl back, and we walk out unscathed?
Lymle: Cause that's boring, Edgie, 'kay?
Edge: ...touche.
*They enter the base*
Guards: AHA! So you did return after all! And you brought us 3 ALIENS! Awesome, lets arrest them and give you a medal.
Klaus: Yes, thank you, I'll work hard. *turns to Edge* Psst, get into jail and I'll release you. This will also release a bunch of "test subjects" that will cause a ruckus...no, this isn't a convenient excuse to explain why you'll suddenly be dealing with monsters in random encounters instead of guards with shot guns.
Edge: Ok...wait, once you release us, aren't you going to get your ass kicked?
Klaus: Of course not, they'll never catch me!
Edge: What about the Monsters?
Klaus: Oh, I brought my Freak of Nature repellent, don't worry!
Guard: GET INTO THE JAIL CELL DAMN-
*invisible Bacchus smacks Guard while walking through*
Guard: ...what was that? Eh, probably just the wind. Yeah, the wind is capable of smacking me bluntly like that. Nevermind that we're indoors and underground, so I'll just ignore that! ANyway, GET IN THERE!
*in jail*
Bacchus: Here are you weapons guys, I was carrying them awkwardly like this the entire time by balancing them on my arms!
Edge: Say Bacchus, why do we need to wait for him? Can't one of us with our advanced technology just blast a hole in the wall?
Bacchus: No, we're in jail; didn't you just realize you can't do that in that scenario?
Edge: Yes, but that was cause of *insert techno babble Faize mentioned here*. These are 1950s Earthlings, NOT super advanced ALIEN LIZARDS. I think there's a slight difference in technological advancements here.
Faize: Well, Edge, while you were whining, it seems the door opened, so there's no need to use excessive force!
*shift to Klaus*
Guard: YOU BETRAYED US AGAIN WITH THIS ELABORATE TRAP!? HOW COULD YOU!
Klaus: Damn, you guys caught me and beat me up and...haven't shot me yet? Ok, I'll take this time while I'm laying here and they leave to look at this CRYPTIC OBJECT THAT YOU CAN'T TELL WHAT IT IS FROM THIS CLOSE!
*back with Edge*
Edge: hey look, they have aliens here!
Faize: ...no, those things HAVE TO DIE NOW!
Edge: Why?
Faize: They're an insult to aliens everywhere! I mean, look at them. They're midgets, with big blue bald heads, and dress in single color suits, and they use psychic energy. I mean, geez, you can practically see the zipper on their backs. As a REAL ALIEN, I am outraged by these 1950 Earthling Movie Stereotypes!
Edge: ...well, *ARE* in the 1950s...
Faize: THINGS DON'T WORK THAT WAY!
*after beating up a bunch of cliched aliens*
Edge: Well, that was eas-....
*Big fucking ape appears*
Bacchus: IT would appear that rumors of "Big Foot" were in fact true...and there's an infinite number of them.
Lymle: He smells, 'kay?
*they kill the apes*
Edge: So...is there anything else here?
Faize: Theoretically, Reimi, and that cat-girl Meracle or something.
Edge: You actually remembered her name?
Faize: Yes, didn't you?
Edge: No, I was just thinking about food at that point. So where is this Cat-girl suppose to be?
*Door opens, 4 foot cat-girl jumps out of nowhere*
Cat-girl: I'M FREE!!! YAY!!!! TIme to fullfill my duty as a cliched overly energetic, high pitched, cat-girl stereotype!
Faize: ...that must be her...
Edge: Hi there!
Meracle: EEEEEK! GET AWAY FROM ME!
*she runs*
Edge: Well crap, now we need to chase her...
*Team follows*
Meracle: OH GOD! Its a monster, and his arms resemble tentacles, and I'm a Japanese Anime Stereotype Demi Human! OH GOD PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE! ;_;
Edge: BIG DAMN HERO MOMENT POWERS ACTIVATE!!!
*the team beats the shit out of the monster*
Edge: So...uhh...Faize, how come your scan spell could see that bosses HP, but not that stupid Dragon back on the mother ship?
Faize: Dunno, I think Tri-Ace just likes to play with our minds.
Lymle: Hi there, Merry!
*Meracle jumps and kisses Edge*
Edge: Hot damn! Already got a kiss from a cat-girl!
Meracle: That's for saving me! *she kisses the others* that's also for saving me.
Edge: ...she even kissed Bacchus *sigh*
Bacchus: It was no trouble.
Bacchus's "mind": Damn I'm smooth!
Edge: Ok, so Meracle, we're going to take you home, come with us!
Meracle: No! We must find the professor!
Faize: Well, we still have to find Reimi, so we'll probably run into him anyway.
*Team enters a big open area*
Generic Guards: FREEZE ALIENS!
Edge: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!
Woman: HOLD IT DUMB SHITS! I didn't say to attack them!
Edge: ...thanks, whoever you are?
Woman: Hi, my name is Milla Bachtein. And yes, I'm Klaus' wife...or I use to be...I kept his last name though cause I'm fucking retarded.
Edge: Oh...well, hi there?
Milla: Well, PEOPLE FROM THE FUTURE, that ship is yours, right?
Faize: That's...wait, you know the truth?
Milla: Oh, yes, that girl I most certainly didn't torture who was with you told me willingly! I'm also a scientist! Can we please see your awesome energy source so we don't have to use nuclear energy?
Edge: Why do you want to do that?
Milla: TO PROTECT THIS WORLD! ALso, protect those who aren't born *pats stomach*
Faize: Wait, you're pregnant?
Lymle: I thought Faize's people don't get pregnant, and he doesn't know what it is, 'kay?
Bacchus: Its a plot hole, Lymle, just let it slide.
Lymle: Okay, 'kay.
Edge: Oh, so I can prevent that nuclear war, sure!
Faize: Wait, Edge! THIS COULD HAVE REALLY BAD DOWNSIDES! Like you and Reimi could stop existing or something.
Edge: But I can save the world!
Faize: How do we know we can trust he?
Edge: Look at her! She's got no weird marks on her face, is dressed in a uniform that is COMPLETELY LACKING IN FANSERVICE, and is smiling, of course we can trust her!
Milla: Oh yeah, I'm definitely *NOT* a villain!
Edge: See? Anyway, here's our device, just promise me you'll work together with aliens from now on, ok? Also, where's my friend?
Milla: She's in this side room!
*Team goes in there*
Edge: Reimi! She's...unconscious...and completely nude...YOU DID EXPERIMENT ON HER! YOU LIAR!
Milla: AHA! WHAT DID YOU THINK? THIS WILL MAKE OUR COUNTRY RULE!
Edge: YOU PROMISED!
Milla: Yeah, we will work with aliens...AS THEIR RULERS! *insert evil laughter here*
Edge: Bacchus, BLAST DOWN THE DOOR NOW!
Bacchus: Would you believe me if I said this entire chamber can survive a nuclear warhead?
Edge: *Sigh* Well shit.
Faize: Well, lets at least make sure Reimi's ok...
*Edge checks on Reimi*
Reimi: Hmm...oh, hi Edge, what happened?
Edge: Thank god you're alright!
*Reimi sits up, throws her blanket off*
Edge: Umm...Reimi, you sure you want to...
*Reimi notices she's completely naked*
Reimi: EDGE YOU PERVERT! *beats the shit out of Edge*
Edge's Mind: ...that was so worth the pain...
*Reimi conveniently gets clothes*
Faize: Um...bad news. They're trying to use our crystal with a NOT WORKABLE DEVICE.
Edge: What's that mean?
Bacchus: It means the entire planet is completely fucked, with us in it, cause its about to turn into an energy mass.
*Shift to Milla*
Milla: MWAHAHAH! POWER! GIVE ME MORE POWER! I LOVE POWER! WITH THIS I SHALL BRING BACK KEVIN! I SHALL ALSO BRING BACK KLAUS WHO ISN'T DEAD MY DEAR HUSBAND! MOMMY WILL BREATHE LIFE INTO YOU BOTH!
*Shift to Edge's crew*
Faize: Oh my god, its worse than I thought, SHE"S COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC!
Edge: We gotta get out of here!
Meracle: Hey, I hear my Ocarina!
*door suddenly opens, Klaus is on other side*
Klaus: Run to your ship, I'll deal with my FUCKING MORON of an Ex-Wife!
Meracle: No! You have to come with us to space! You're my only friend!
Klaus: There's no time! By which I mean you have infinite time cause there's no clock in the corner...
Edge: Sweet! Another RPG Cliche in our favor!
*Klaus gets to Milla*
Milla: YES! I AM SUPREME OVERLORD OF THE SHREWS!
Klaus: Kevin wasn't your fault; our son doesn't want this...even if he's not technically alive...
Milla: ...you're right, I will suddenly stop shouting like a moron.
*at the ship*
Edge: We made it! Wait, Meracle, GET OVER HERE!
Meracle: NO! NOT WITHOUT THE PROFESSOR! He's my only friend!
Edge: We're you're friends too! ...wait, I got a better idea, CUE HALLUCINATION MODE FAIZE!
Faize: Roger!
*Edge looks like Klaus for a split second*
Meracle: PROFESSOR!!!! *she jumps into the ship*
Faize: Uh, Edge, bad news. Without our power source, we kind, you know, CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE!
Edge: So we need that crystal...WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
Meracle: Crystal? *looks at pendent cues flashback*
Past Meracle: You're my best friend, take this Ocarina Professor!
Klaus: Ok, take this pendant in payment!
Past Meracle: Yay!!!
*end flashback*
Meracle: Say, will this work?
Faize: Wow, that's the BEST FUCKING CRYSTAL I'VE EVER SEEN! Lets do this!
*Team escapes Past Earth, Earth goes boom*
Bacchus: Good news everyone! We have successfully gotten back to our own time due to some weird spacial interference.
Reimi: Alright, we can go home now!
Bacchus: Oh yeah, and since both Edge and Reimi are still alive, its probably that Earth was in another dimension.
Reimi: Really? That means our home is still alive, right Edge?
Edge: WHY DOES IT MATTER!? Its my fault Earth blew up!
Reimi: But we have proof our earth is still alive!
Edge: SHUT UP! We're suppose to be happy we blew up a planet but ours is still alive? Alternate dimensions be damned, I DESTROYED A PLANET! ITS MY FAULT! I gave them the key to that Pandora's box! The entire planet blew up. EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING
*3602 Everythings later*
Edge: EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
Faize: In other news, we probably should land on a planet just to make sure the ship is fully ok...
Bacchus: Lets head to Roak.
Reimi: Is that a cheap attempt to link this game with Star Ocean 1?
Bacchus: Yes it is, and by my calculations, it cannot fail!
Reimi: Edge, give the orders to land!
Edge: ...
Reimi: EDGE DO IT DAMN IT!
Lymle: Reirei, Edgie's angsting, 'kay?
Reimi: No, he's not, he'll snap out of it soon, right?
Edge: *Goes Heroic Blue Screen of Death Mode*
Reimi: ...or not. Ok, until Edge stops being a wanker, I'M THE ACTING LEADER! ANYONE OPPOSE? NO? WELL GOOD! Now, lets head off!
*TV screen turns on*
Welch: HI THERE EVERYONE! WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN A WHILE! I BET EDGE AND REIMI ARE GETTING ALL <3 behind my back!
Meracle: Who are you?
Lymle: Welchie's funny...
Welch: A CAT-GIRL!? So that's who Edge is going out with!
Reimi: Is there any point to this conversation?
Welch: NONE AT ALL!
*after the team gets out of Hyper Space*
Faize: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!!! </Protoss Voice>
Reimi: Uh-oh, whose firing?
Faize: A ship not from Eldar or Earth, so uh...
Reimi: FIRE OUR SPACIAL TORPEDOES!
Faize: Um, this ship is not equipped with such weaponry...
Reimi: So basically, what you're saying is we're screwed?
Faize: Well, unless a Deus Ex Machina saves us...yes...
*Black Ship gets blasted by a different ship*
Reimi: Oh, how convenient, a Deus Ex Machina!
White Haired Bishie from Eldarian Ship: I have chased off those guys!
Reimi: Thank you for saving us!
WHBfES: Shut up! I didn't save you! I'm clearly going to become a villain later in the game, so remember, I DON'T LIKE YOU! I'm gone!
Faize: Don't take it personally; 13th Division Eldarians are total jack asses.
Bacchus: So we took some negligible damage WE MUST REPAIR THE SHIP IMMEDIATELY! LEts get to Roak!
Edge: ...do we have to go?
Reimi: Yes.
Edge: Why?
Reimi: Cause our ship is damaged.
Edge: But do we have to land on a Star Ocean 1 planet?
Reimi: Do YOU see any better planets? NO? THOUGHT SO! Now quit your angsting, get your sword out, we're gonna have to beat up some monsters on the overworld in an attempt to repair our ship! This will also require us running around like maniacs and getting to a town!
*Star Ocean 1's Astral Music kicks in*
Meracle: How nostalgic!
Bacchus: This place is like the middle ages of Earth, so we have nothing to worry about!
Reimi: Right, lets get going!
*team starts travelling*
Meeple: You know, I should probably start changing my team around to use lowest level characters now that I have more than 5. *puts Edge and Bacchus on reserves for Reimi and Meracle* ...wait, did I just replace an easy to use Swordguy and Mega Man with an aRcher and a Cat-girl?
Meeple's Brain: Yes, you did
Meeple: Ok.
*Random Encounter engages*
Reimi: There's something...different about this fight...
Faize: What do you mean?
Reimi: The music...its...completely different...
Bacchus: Oh, that's For Achieve. Its Star Ocean 1's battle theme.
Reimi: They're really going all out on the fanservice, aren't they?
Bacchus: My algorithms state that this would be the case.
Reimi: ...aren't you suppose to be on reserves and out of this battle?
Bacchus: Oh, right, sorry! *he disappears*
*fight ends, team shifts around a bit, etc.*
Lymle: Hey, those people have a tail like Merry. Is this Merry's home?
Faize: Probably!
Meracle: I dunno, I told you I don't remember anything besides being a stow away! Though it smells similar to what I remember...
Reimi: Enough talking, lets move out!
Faize: Just as a warning, due to bad programming, we might get hit with a random encounter as soon as we get out of this plot scene...
Reimi: That's not going to-...
*It happens*
Reimi: ...Faize, next time, please tell us BEFORE the plot scene?
Faize: Will do! But these things are hard to anticipate.
*battle ends, Edge got winning blow*
Edge: *just stands there not saying anything despite leveling*
Reimi: Damn it Edge! You're suppose to be cheerful when you win!
Edge: ...but I'm still angsting, I can't break out of character...
Reimi: ...I think I'm going to be stuck as leader for QUUIIIITE a while. On the upside, I think I've gained some character development, as I stopped being an annoying whiny bitch and am actually acting like strong willed female lead!
Lymle: Stop breaking the fourth wall, Reirei, 'kay?
Bacchus: Yes, and...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?
*A person on a large Pink rabbit jumps by*
Lymle: BUNNY!!!!!!!!!
Reimi: He's lucky; it'd be so much easier if we had one of those!
Meeple: ...god damn do I need a save point and a shop. I'm running out of resources for like the first time ever!
*Team reaches town*
Meeple: FUCK YES! Now I can...*plot scene occurs, it skips a few times* You better not fucking freeze on me game! *Game actually listens* Good...
*shift a few minutes earlier to plot scene*
Faize: Ah, finally a town...
Edge: Whatever...
Freaky Monks: Eyesu Dome Nei *Smacks selves in the head* Doma en erequiem *smacks self*
Reimi: I wonder what's up with them.
Edge: Who cares, it has nothing to do with us...
Reimi: I...guess...you're...right? Oh well lets...wait, my leg seems to suddenly have something wrong with it? Oh, I'm sure its nothing!
------
Faize: Bacchus, can I ask you a question?
Bacchus: Yes?
Faize: Let me get this straight. Reimi gets kidnapped, stripped naked, probably raped, and suddenly is now suddenly acting more secure with herself instead of just smacking Edge, right?
Bacchus: Yes, she is, I seem to have picked that up myself.
Faize: HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ANY REMOTE REALISTIC SENSE!?
Bacchus: You're looking for realism in a video game...don't.
