Star Ocean 4 Abridged:
Narrator: So our heroes enter Tatroi, a typical Fellpool city that clearly wasn't in the original Star Ocean! When last we left...
Girl's Voice: AAAAAAH!
Narrator: ...damn it, I wasn't finished!
Meracle: Hey, did everyone here that? That sounded like a scream for help!
Faize: Yes, but it lacked that sense of urgency for it to be a distress call...
Girl's Voice: Someone save me! Please!
NOTE: The voice sounds completely insincere and like its bad acting. The "Aaaah!" sounded like that too.
Reimi: Edge, someone's in trouble, this is your time to shine!
Edge: Angst. Brood. ...does anybody have a spare sharp pain of glass? My wrists are lacking in scars...
Reimi: ...*sigh* Alright, we're going to help her!
*Team rushes to alley way where a bunch of hooded freaks are torturing a girl*
Reimi: Get your hands off her!
Lymle: You are bad people, 'kay?
Bacchus *in stealth mode*: I'm afraid you'll go no further.
Girl: Oh, you've come to help me!
Hooded Freaks: HISSS! MAIN CHARACTERS! KILL!!!!
Reimi: I hear a battle theme coming on, we're gonna have to do this boss ba-...
Edge: YAAAAAAH!
*Edge comes in out of nowhere, sword in hand and kicks the shit out of all 3 guys single handedly without breaking a sweat, in a plot scene, while the SO1 Battle theme plays*
Meracle: Wasn't he angsting just a few seconds ago?
Edge: ...what the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this? ARGH! I SAID I WASN'T GOING TO INTERACT!
Meracle: Ok, so it wasn't just me, just checking!
Girl: Hi, my name is Sarah Leremey! I hope you don't mind my incredibly over the top high pitch voice that sounds 100% fake!
Edge: GET OUT OF HERE YOU HOODED FREAKS!
Bacchus: You know, if you don't want to kill them, you could have at least tied them up and handed them over to the law enforcement on this planet...
Sarah: Wow, you're big and weird looking
Bacchus: Uh...oh, right, I can be scene *goes back into stealth mode*
Sarah: He disappeared!
Faize: Both of you are absent minded...
Reimi: So...are you alright?
Lymle: Hey! Her wings moved! She's got real wings, 'kay.
Meracle: Wings? Like a bird? .....CHICKEN!!!!!!
Sarah: I'm not a chicken! Say, haven't I seen you two before *looking at Edge and Reimi*
Reimi: No, we haven't met...
Sarah: Aha! I know! You two are from the Muah, I've seen your statues in the Purgatorium!
Reimi: Muah? we've heard that name before haven't we...
*Flash back to moment Meeple didn't mention earlier*
Lizard Freak: Yes, you have two descendants of the Muah with you! Fine specimens indeed!
Edge: ...what the hell are you talking about?
Lizard Freak: QUIET INFERIOR LIFEFORM!
*end flashback*
Faize: Purgatorium? I think I know what our first big fetch quest on this Fanservice Planet is!
Sarah: Yes, let me show you my thanks by guiding you there!
Edge: NO! NEVER! I WILL NOT INTERACT WITH YOU PEOPLE! I REFUSE!
Reimi: *smacks Edge over the head with a mallet* You aren't the leader right now, I am, SO SHUT UP!
Edge: *recovers immediately* I STILL REFUSE DAMN IT!
Lymle: Sarry's nice, I want her to be with us, yay!
Edge: WELL I DON'T!
Reimi: ...ok, since my idiot of a best friend won't stop, I guess we have no choice but to decline your offer.
Sarah: Oh, but I can at least tell you you'll need a Bunny to cross the desert!
*Sarah leaves*
Reimi: So...a bunny...where can we get one of those?
Faize: Hey, lets ask that tent outside of town about it!
Meracle: Oh! A bunny is a big thing that hops, and is really tastey!
Bacchus: So basically that thing we saw not too long ago?
Meracle: Yep!
*They talk to everyone at the Nomad tent...or so Meeple thinks*
Meeple: Well, that did shit for me, I guess I'll explore some and find the right person to speak too..
*Does so for about a half hour, finding nothing*
Meeple: ...I'll talk to those nomads ONE MORE TIME!
*Does so, gets a different conversation from one of the guys he was CERTAIN he talked too but apparently talked to the adjacent person 3 times despite Edge's position indicating otherwise*
Meeple: ...the conversation detection system in this game really sucks...
*back through the 4th wall*
Random Nomad: Oh, yeah, ask the Elder about it! He'll know! He's on the other side of the tent, sleeping!
Reimi: Sounds like a plan! Oh yeah, my leg is acting up again...this is clearly not a sign of bad things going to happen soon, nope!
Elder: *starts speaking some weird language that's a combination of spanish, japanese, ebonics, and fucking retardness*
Faize: Great, an ancient language. You know, the kind our translators can't do shit with? Bacchus, you understand him?
Bacchus: Not at all.
*Random girl comes out of the tent*
White Haired Girl: Hi there, this is my Grandpa! He only soeaks the ancient tongue and knows a lot about bunnies.
Lymle: But we cna't understand him, 'kay.
WHG: Oh, don't worry, I can translate for you!
Meracle: OOOH! HOW CONVENIENT!
WHG: You indeed need a bunny to cross over the desert...but you can't have ours! ITS OUR LITTLE SPECIAL FLUFFY KINS!
Faize: Um...so how are we going to get over the desert?
WHG: Oh, you can go catch a bunny yourself in the forest over there! Now that you spoke to me, I have triggered their existence! Here's how you catch a bunny! *Summons her own*
Reimi: Is that a summon?
Bacchus *still in seatlh mode*: (No, a summon requires a contract)
Reimi: Ah! Right! Lymle only has a flaming dog for that right!
Lymle: Bunnies are cute.
Faize: Anyway, what she did was Transfusion. You see...
*For the next 3 hours, Faize starts technobabble, mysticism, etc. about Transfusion, despite there being an underdeveloped civilzation right in front of him*
Faize: ITS TRULY AMAZING!
Reimi: FAIZE! YOU MORON! You just broke like every single Sci-Fi law in existence!
Faize: Oh, oops, guess I got carried away...say, can you teach me that?
WHG: Not unless you become part of our tribe!
Faize: ...maybe I will then!
WHG: Anyway, take these; its reigns required for taming a Bunny!
Reimi: Great! Lets get going then!
*the team leaves*
WHG: Wait! You with the green hair, please come here!
Faize: Huh? Me? Ok...
WHG: You're so hot and sexy...I want you to have this black cloak!
Faize: Uh, ok...
WHG: It'll double asmaking you look friendlier to bunnies!
Faize: Useful...well how do I look?
WHG: ...well, not...as good as I had hoped...
Lymle: Hey Faize, you're taking forever, 'kay? Also, that thing you're wearing looks stupid, 'kay?
Faize: ...that girl over there said the same thing.
Reimi: Oh, Faize, where have you been...AWWWWW! THAT BLACK GARMENT YOU'RE WEARING LOOKS CUTE!!!
Faize: ...
Meracle: Anyway, meow, we need to go get that tastey-...er...useful Bunny!
Reimi: TO THE FOREST WE GO!
*in the Forest, lots of Pink bunnies are there*
*Meracle: *somehow dons a knife, fork, and napkin* TASTEY BUNNIES! YUM! HERE I COME!!!!!
Faize: NO! We aren't trying to EAT them, just capture them!
(The above two lines actually happen in game)
Bacchus: Well then, I suggest we go get those Bunnies now...
Faize: Right! Everyone, lets go!
Reimi: Awww, I feel...cliched damsel in distress like *She faints*
Edge: Reimi! Are you alright?
Meracle: Oh no! She has a fever or something!
Faize: TO THE HOSPITAL IN TATROI WE GO!
*Tatroi is on fire, people are being turned to demons, etc.*
Sarah: HUH!!? What the...oh, it was just a dream. That's clearly not foreshadowing though! Seems the people next to me are energetic too though...
*next door*
Edge: Reimi, please tell me you're alright!
Reimi: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! Please forgive me. Vincent, I FUCKING HATE YOU. But I'm still sorry.
Faize: It looks like she's having a bad dream, and not apologizing to us...
Bacchus: By my calculations, the nightmare is she's forced to play the role of Lucrecia in Dirge of Cerberus.
Meracle: OH GOD! Is there any fate worse than that?
Lymle: Reimi's all hard, 'kay? Normally she's soft...
Edge: Huh? *takes her glove off* OMG SHE'S TURNING TO STONE! BACCULUS!!!!!!!!!!!
Bacchus: Wait! Come down Edge, its not Bacculus.
Edge: ...oh, what it is?
Bacchus: Just an epidemic with similar effects to Bacculus on this very planet. Its called...STONE SICKNESS!!!
Reimi: Something like this...can't kill me...don't worry...Edge...also, STAY AWAY FROM ME HOJO!
Faize: ...are we really going so far as to have the same problems in a game that's suppose to take place several hundred years into the future, just for continuities sake?
Bacchus: Yes, we are, except here comes the retcon; THE DISEASE IS...
Sarah: CURABLE!!! There's a remedy!
Lymle: Sarry!!!
Sarah: If you want the remedy, lets go to Astral Castle, the King will give it to you!
Edge: Ok, lets go for Reimi's sake.
Sarah: Oh, how weird; she had no incubation period, but the disease is spreading slowly...but that's not a big deal, just weird!
*on the ship*
Faize: ok, why do you have wings instead of a tail?
Sarah: Oh, I'm a Featherfolk, aka "Sacred Wings" aka people who can fly aka I can't fly cause I'm the token useless one in the present day.
Faize: So...basically you have wings and they're useless, but everyone else in your race can use them?
Sarah: Yep! But hey, I'm friends with the King of Astral, so all is good! Oh yeah, can you stop by Tropp after this on the way to Purgatorium and meet with Eleyna?
Meracle: ELEYNA!? THE ELEYNA WHO RODE ON A HUGE KITTY AND SAVED THE WORLD! OH WOW! I SAW THAT IN A PICTURE BOOK! ITS SO COOOOOOLLL!!!
Sarah: Well, she...is a powerful seer...
Faize: Ok, we'll do it.
Sarah: Hey, there's the castle!
Edge: Reimi, hang on, we're almost there!
*in the castle*
King Astral: Yes, I'm the king. Yes, I have long white hair and am incredibly attractive...but my skin is dark, see? So I can avoid cliches of being an evil douche as a result!
Sarah: Oh king, please give my friends the cure to the Stone Sickness.
King Astral: Ok, sure, but...why didn't you just ask a simple Pharmacist?
Sarah: Cause you control all the medicine now due to your douche predecessor not trying to help out people who were in need, so you instead sell it cheaply...
King Astral: Ah, right, forgot about that...
Sarah: Oh, by the way, I think the Demon Lord is rising again!
King Astral: *Gasp* Not...ASMODEUS!!!
Lymle: What's an ASMODEUS!!!?
Bacchus: According to my calculations, he's the primary antagonist throughout most of the first Star Ocean game, however, since our game is a prequel, you are going to forget I said any of that.
Lymle: 'kay.
Sarah: He's been doing acts behind the scenes, and there's an evil group dedicated to reviving him!
Meracle: Well, good! IF he does things in secret, we won't have to worry about him if he's not here!
Faize: I don't think it works that way...
King Astral: Nevertheless! ...it'll take time for the medicine to finish, please wait in the castle until then.
*later that day*
Edge: Yawn, angsting is tiring. I'll just brood in the sunlight...huh?
*Big bald black guy appears below the balcony running*
Edge: ...wonder who that is? Eh, not my concern.
Faize: Hey, the remedy is ready! Lets go get it!
Edge: Oh, right, ok.
*back at the throne*
King Astral: LYAS! GO GET THE CRIMINAL NOW!
Lyas: UNDERSTOOD MILORD!
Edge: Something happen?
King Astral: Yes, the BLACK EAGLE!!!! has stolen your remedy and all the ingredients for it! No, its not a major loss, except that hundreds of people are going to die.
Edge: Oh...what's this guy look like?
King Astral: Dunno...oh, he has a black eagle tatoo on his back.
Edge: ...I DID IT AGAIN! I DID SOMETHING REALLY STUPID AGAIN BY BEING INDECISIVE! I gotta catch this guy! LEAVE IT TO ME KING!
Lymle: What did Edgie do?
Faize: I think he saw the guy and didn't do anything to stop him...but really, considering the plot scene, can you blame him? He had no clue who he was and didn't think much of him, and lets face it, would YOU jump off a balcony that high?
Bacchus: Either way, we have to chase this guy. My scanners indicate he ran to the Colosseum!
*at the Colosseum*
Lymle: Everyone here looks scary, kay.
Meracle: Yeah, everyone's serious about winning.
Faize: Edge, enter. If you fight with all your advanced styles, you can't possibly lose.
Edge: But I might screw up this planet like I did the other by introducing a foreign fighting style! Yes, my sword fighting style can DESTROY THE WORLD!
Faize: ...well, if Edge won't enter, I will! I have all the same advantages, except I'm not angsting, so I can HELP A FRIEND IN NEED! Also, I have you to thank for my sudden spontaneous actions Edge.
Sarah: Actually, you know, if you act for good benefits, you can't be held responsible for things that happen after, especially if you don't know the outcome. Its better to act than to run!
Edge: ...ok, you're right; its easy to run, but Reimi needs my help, I'LL FIGHT!
*Colosseum*
Announcer: THIS GUY KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF 9 WARRIORS EFFORTLESSLY! The next victim? EEEEEEEEEEEEDGE MAVEEEERRIIIICK!
Edge: *sigh* Guess I gotta do this...I INVOKE THE POWERS OF HORRIBLE VOICE ACTING! AID ME!
*Battle starts*
Edge: DEMON SPIRAL HAMMER! OMEGA DEMON CHAOS! DEMON LIGHTNING HAMMER! MEGA SONIC THRUST! Rising...PHOENIX! Sonic...CHAOS!!! Twin Sonic BLADE!!! NEOSONICSWARM!!!!
Black Eagle: OH DEAR GOD! That voice acting and fighting style...I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT COMBO! *loses*
*fight ends*
Edge: Now give me the materials!
Black Eagle: I don't know what you're talking about.
Edge: *gives him an evil stare*
Black Eagle: I mean...here you go! JUST GET THAT ANGST AWAY FROM ME! I WAS PAID TO DO THIS BY GUYS I DON'T KNOW!
Lyas: Aha! We found him!
Edge: Huh? I saw you at the castle...
Lyas: Ah, good job, you're Edge right? You stopped the criminal! I must thank you, we are like peons compared to you!
Edge: No, I didn't do much, I shouldn't have-...
Lyas: NONSENSE! You saved the day! Thanks to you, hundreds will be cured. You're a hero!
Edge: No, I'm...not a hero...
Lyas: Oh, right...YOU'RE A SUPER HERO!!! Everyone, give your applause for our new SUPER HERO Edge!
Crowd: Edge Edge Edge! Edge Edge Edge!
Edge: I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS! AAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Lyas: Oh, right, here's the potion; it belongs to you. Now, HERO, go heal your friend!
Edge: ...I'm...not...a....*sigh*
*back with Reimi*
Edge: Reimi, drink this, please!
*Reimi recovers instantly, her neck glows pink*
Edge: You're alright, thank goodness!
Lymle: Reirei's squishy again! She's not hard anymore, but she's squishy, 'kay? </actual line of dialog>
Sarah: Wow, she recovered way too fast, its really weird!
Reimi: Huh? I did?
Sarah: Yeah, and your disease acted weird too...
Faize: Its that symbol on your neck, isn't it?
Reimi: Oh, I...guess I gotta come clean about my CLICHE SPECIAL ASPECT!
Bacchus: Oh, this should be interesting.
Reimi: Ok, basically, our planet sucks and no one can live there. So they started genetically creating SUPER HUMANS to live wherever possible, based on people from an ancient race that suddenly vanished from Earth. But every single person failed...except for three successes. Normally, we are exactly like regular humans, but when we get EMOTIONAL!!! we gain super powers!
Edge: ...and you're one of the three?
Reimi: Yes, I was the first. The second was Crowe.
Edge: Crowe? Really? That's a surprise!
Reimi: And you're the 3rd, Edge!
Edge: ...
Reimi: Did I say something wrong.
Edge: ...I dunno, maybe just that I'M NOT NORMAL IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORD.
Faize: I think he's handling it pretty well...
Reimi: We each have different special traits, the three of us. Me, I adapt to scenarios incredibly well. So when I was sick, I could have survived that no problem. YOU GOT THE MEDICINE FOR NOTHING! What did you think I meant when I said "Something like this can't kill me?" YOU THINK THAT WAS ALL TALK? I WAS BEING SERIOUS DAMN IT! LOVE ME!!! ;_;
Edge: So...why did they do this to us again?
Reimi: FOR THE FUTURE OF THE PLANET! WE ARE TO BRING HAPPINESS TO EVERYONE AND SAVE THE HUMAN RACE!
Edge: So...uh...when did you learn about this? Cause we've known each other our entire lives, and never once did you tell me this...despite me directly involved...no one told me in fact...actually, THIS ISn'T MAKING ANY FUCKING SENSE AT ALL! ARGH! It was easier just angsting about trivial manners...
Reimi: Well, basically, me a bunch of friends went to this polluted place...they all died cause we were morons, but because I'm SPESHUL, I lived! Everyone wanted me dead and blamed me...except my parents, they said "You'll bring happiness!" So I've been living off those words! I'm sorry I didn't tell any of you guys this until now...
Lymle: Reirei is Reirei, its ok.
Bacchus: As I said, meeting you has brought warmth to this cold steel body of mine. </actual line of dialog> Now I must be going.
Faize: Bacchus is getting bashful! Now excuse me, I don't want you to see me getting bashful either, so I must be going. </Also rough line of actual dialog>
Sarah: I say we girls go and let the two main characters have a tender moment, eh?
Meracle: Have fun you too ~_^
Lymle: Bye-bye!
Reimi: ...Edge, do you hate me?
Edge: ...what do you think?
Reimi: Ok, good, you don't!
Edge: ...
Reimi: Listen, Edge, I'm sorry. But my power actually makes me worried. Cause you see, if everyone were to catch a disease, everyone would die...BUT ME! I'd be living alone! I could never live with that pain!
Edge: ...you're practically immortal and you're upset over THAT? I mean, you haven't even told me what my special powers are!
Reimi: Oh, right...and I still won't! Anyway, but my powers can only benefit me see. You, on the otherhand...
Edge: I still don't know my powers, remember...
Reimi: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR POWERS! ITS ABOUT YOU BEING YOU! Listen, because of what you DID, you saved so many people! Me, I can't do that. You're special cause of WHO you are!
*Reimi passionately hugs Edge, the two get dangerously close to kissing position several times*
Reimi: You've done nothing wrong. You'll be back to your old self eventually!
Edge: ...its going to take a while though...
Reimi: Well, we still have like 40 hours of this game left, so you'll have plenty of time, don't worry!
*outside the door*
Meracle: DAMN IT YOU TWO! GET IT ON ALREADY MEOW!!!
Bacchus: Hmm...I don't think they're going to do "it" this time...
Faize: I'm curious about this "mating" ritual that Earthlings go through...but it seems that isn't the case.
Lymle: Huh? What are you all doing?
Faize: ...say, does this scene we're parodying actually happen in the game itself?
Sarah: Of course not!
Faize: Oh, right...also, I have another thing I must question about this plot.
Bacchus: What is it this time?
Faize: So Edge, Reimi and Crowe are 3 special humans given special powers by scientists from this thing called "Project Hope", right?
Bacchus: Yes?
Faize: And all their powers are supposedly different in terms of what they specialize in, right?
Sarah: I don't see where you're going with this.
Faize: That's cause you're from an underdeveloped planet! But anyway...didn't...this series...already do this EXACT SAME PLOT TWIST? Like, ONE GAME ago?
Bacchus: AH! But that game takes place like 700 hundred years in the future! So you see, it is a completely different scenario!
Faize: ...no, I'm...oh screw it.
