Star Ocean 4 Abridged:
Episode 5:
Reimi: So this is Purgatorium…how old fashioned.
Faize: Of course it is; this IS an underdeveloped planet of course.
Reimi: Ok, sure, ruin the atmosphere.
Faize: Whatever, in other news, I think we found the statues Sarah was talking about.
Reimi: Oh, really? Where are they and what makes you think they’re them?
*Faize points to two huge fucking statues that strongly resemble Reimi and Edge*
Reimi: I…see…
Edge: Do ancient civilizations really think I look like that?
Reimi: Who knows? All I know is I have to be profound about how we both have their genes in our bodies!
Faize: Well, if you must know, I think they’re just meant to represent Earthlings in general, but they still look like you!
Lymle: Everyone, here! Merry found something!
Meracle: I think Sarah’s behind this BIG STONE WALL!!!!
Bacchus: Hmm…scanners indicate she is probably here.
Faize: Yeah, so does my I-Pod!
Edge: Wait, your I-Pod can follow people?
Faize: Yes, can’t your earthling ones?
Edge: No, we’re still a hundred years behind you on technology, just we’re advanced enough to actually understand what the fuck you’re talking about, remember?
Faize: Oh, right. In any event, this giant stone wall poses a threat.
Edge: So…basically, we can’t do crap, and we hit a wall, literally?
Faize: That’s one way to put it.
Meracle: I know, I know! When you’re stuck, you just ask someone, Meow! Lets ask Eleyna like Sarah wanted too!
Edge: …so we have to go to Tropp? Ok, so where is that place?
Bacchus: Well, there was one other path outside that cave, so its either there, or we’re lost for good.
Reimi: So it’s a total luck shot? I LIKE THOSE ODDS!
*team heads to Tropp, which happens to be conveniently where they had hoped*
Edge: …why is there a huge crowd over there?
*scene shift to crowd watching a huge Mustache Man, who shall be known as Priest for simplicity*
Priest: HEED US! We are here to bring forth salvation…in the form of ASMODEUS!!!
Crowd: YOU’RE THAT EVIL CHURCH!
Priest: Evil? Oh heaves no! Just the Archfiend is misunderstood! You know that medicine that cures the sick? WELL ITS AVAILABLE ONLY TO THE NOBLES!
Pink Haired Girl: …he’s right…
Priest: HE WILL SAVE US ALL! He will come and BURN US ALL TO ASHES AND DESTROY EVERYTHING!!!!
Crowd: Hey, isn’t that, you know, A BAD THING?
Priest: OF COURSE NOT! You will be saved if you follow him!
Crowd: Oh, well, YES WE WILL FOLLOW THAT EVIL GUY!!
Priest: Thank you, now I must be off, to convert more people to our Cu-…er…I mean our sacred order!
*back to party*
Faize: Just so we’re clear, we all know that guy is completely full of shit, and his Archfiend ASMODEUS!!! doesn’t actually exist, right?
Bacchus *in stealth mode*: Yes, but he’s an inspirational speak, he’s probably getting followers at an alarming rate here.
Edge: Whatever, lets go meet with Eleyna and get this over with.
*Team heads to her house*
Edge: OPEN UP YOU DAMN WITCH! NOW!
Lymle: *opens door* Door was already open, ‘kay. I’m going inside now, ‘kay. </rough actual line>
Edge: Well, that answers that
*inside the house*
Faize: No one has found any sign of her.
Lymle: She must be really good at playing hide and seek, ‘kay. </another actual line>
Reimi: Hey, look, THE ENTIRE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! SOMEONE MUST HAVE DONE THIS OUTSIDE!
Edge: Oh god, WE’RE GONNA DIE!!!
*team gets warped out to safety by some big panel on the floor*
Faize: You know, if I had a 100 Fol for every time Edge yelled that and we didn’t die, I’d be one rich Eldarian.
Reimi: So…anybody know where we are?
*long eared woman holding candle appears*
Woman: I knew you’d come. I knew my house would be set on fire too. And I knew you were going to say that! I also know you’re going to ask me who I am.
Edge: Who are you?
Woman: See? Told you I knew! Anyway, I am Eleyna Farrence.
Faize: Wow! That’s the exact same last name as the Main Character from Star Ocean 1. CONTINUITY FORESHADOWING!
Meracle: OMG! ITS HER! THE FAMOUS ONE!
Eleyna: Yes, now SHOW YOUR MANNERS TO ME! I SAVED YOU SIPLING!
Edge: Uh, yes, ma’am. Thanks for saving our lives.
Eleyna: ALL OF YOU SHOULD THANK ME TOO!
Everyone else: Uh, yes, thank you.
Eleyna: Good, now follow me to my hide out! AND DON’T DAWDLE!
Meracle: Meow…
Faize: I think Meracle just has been touched by reality and had her dreams of her favorite person ever shattered. Oh well, it was bound to happen eventually, lets go!
Meracle: YOU CAN’T BE THE FAMOUS ELEYNA! SHE’S A HOLY MAIDEN! SHE’S BEAUTIFAL, NICE AND WISE!
Eleyna: Ah, that describes me perfectly! Also, I like that name “Eleyna the Holy Maiden.”
Meracle: Listen to meow!
Lymle: Leynie, is that your house?
Eleyna: Leynie…interesting, Leynie the Holy Maiden…I LIKE THAT MORE! Oh yeah, big hulk over there, show yourself! I know you’re here.
Bacchus *appears out of stealth mode*: Wait, you knew I was here? For how long?
Eleyna: First off, I know everything; that’s what being a fortune teller is all about! Also I could hear your massive foot steps while you walk. Unlike most NPCs, I’m not completely deaf and blind. That said, you’re ugly and I don’t want you in my house, so sit on this rock over.
Bacchus: Ok, I can still probably hear you from this rock though.
Eleyna: I don’t care! Anyway, come inside everyone else, we have MUCH PLOT TO DISCUSS!
*inside the hide out*
Eleyna: I foresaw your arrival, and I know that Sarah is kidnapped. But first, I must tell you about ASMODEUS!!!
Faize: Wait, you mean he exists?
Eleyna: Yes, and that stupid cult is going to revive him. You guys will be the ones who are going to stop him too!
Edge: bullshit. This ASMODEUS!!! doesn’t exist!
Eleyna: Much like you guys didn’t come from the STAR OCEAN! Right?
Reimi: Wait, how did YOU know that?
Eleyna: Some guy who I also foresaw came and told me this stuff.
Edge: CROWE!!!!!!
Eleyna: You know, his name was never suppose to come up in this plot scene…but whatever, is me talking about an Archfiend to you really any less weird than me having to deal with the fact that people from THE STAR OCEAN have arrived?
Reimi: …ok, I think she got us. Tell us more about this ASMODEUS!!!
Eleyna: He’s the archfiend, he’s going to destroy the world, and you guys have to stop him from reviving sooner than expected…WITHOUT HESISTATION!
Faize: Hold on, WHAT ABOUT SARAH!? Isn’t she a friend of yours? Are you some sort of bitch who lets her friends die?
Eleyna: No, Sarah’s like a sister to me. And you will stop the resurrection of ASOMDEUS!!! by saving her.
Lymle: This is making my head spin, ‘kay.
Eleyna: You need Holy Blood to revive him, and she’s one of the Sacred Wings. DO THE MATH SIPLING!
Faize: Say, what can you tell us about this cult.
Eleyna: Oh, them? They’re nothing but a bunch of foolish imbeciles. Total morons, Idiots! Nothing more.
NOTE: This is her actual response; it’s not verbatim, but she does respond in this manner using similar insults.
*outside the hide out*
Cultist #1: We shall sneak up and destroy this hide out.
Cultist #2: Indeed! What do you have to say #3?
Cultist #3: Shut up you too! This is suppose to be DONE IN SECRET!
Myuria: What? Burning down her house wasn’t good enough, so now you have to go burning down her hideout? The pains of being a pretty woman… </actual line of dialog>
Cultists: Huh? A scantily dressed long eared girl with pink hair? SHE MUST BE A MAIN CHARACTER! KILL HER!
Myuria: Hark! Lightning that writhes from within the ashen depths! Descend now as a storm upon thy foes! Gravity Blessing!
Cultists: OH GOD! WE ARE SET ON FIRE! BY LIGHTNING! RUN!!!
Myuria: Now, to get this tedious job over with *she starts eavesdropping on the conversation inside*
*inside*
Edge: So…what makes you think WE are the ones who will stop him?
Eleyna: I foresaw Sarah sending peculiar visitors to me…YOU CAN’T GET MORE PECULIAR THAN FREAKS FROM THE STAR OCEAN CAN YOU? Anyway, you have to stop him from reviving SOONER THAN EXPECTED, you young whippersnappers.
Faize: Wait, “Sooner than expected”…you mean he’s going to come regardless of what we do?
Eleyna: In a word, yes; his revival is inevitable…but it can’t happen now! For you see, you guys won’t KILL him, just PREVENT him. What will happen is like 30-40 years from now, he will revive, but a band of warriors, 4 of whom are from 100 years into the future of that time, will go and kick his ass. Oh yeah, one of them has the same last name as me, its really weird.
Faize: You just described the entire plot line of Star Ocean 1, you realize.
Eleyna: Hmm…so I did, oh well! Anyway, get to it!
Edge: NO! I CAN’T GET INVOLVED! I WON’T! THIS IS NONSENSE! I WON’T LET ANOTHER PLANET BE DESTROYED BY MY DOINGS!
Reimi: Say, what happens if we fail?
Eleyna: IF you fail? *starts glowing gold* THE WORLD WILL BE DESTROYED AND THE ARCHFIEND WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN THAT DON’T EXIST. EVERYTHING WILL BE SWALLOWED BY INFINITE BEAU-…
Edge: What…
Reimi: the…
Meracle: hell…
Faize: just…
Lymle: Happened, ‘kay?
Bacchus *from outside*: According to my calculations…the game just froze. Abruptly.
Edge: Wait, you mean this huge long plot scene just froze and we have to sit through ti AGAIN cause the game was programmed retardedly?
Bacchus: that is correct.
Edge: Meracle, go restart the game.
Meracle: OK MEOW!
*fast forwarding through the plot scene*
Eleyna: Eleyna: IF you fail? *starts glowing gold* THE WORLD WILL BE DESTROYED AND THE ARCHFIEND WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN THAT DON’T EXIST. EVERYTHING WILL BE SWALLOWED BY INFINITE BEAUTY! *She stops glowing*
Faize: That must be an augury…its quite impressive.
Eleyna: It was easier to show you than to explain, I’ve seen this result every time. If you fail to save Sarah, all is lost.
Edge: So if I help, I fuck the world over, if I don’t help, I fuck the world over?
Reimi: Um, Edge, if you help, you might NOT fuck the world over. Just cause it happened once doesn’t mean it’ll happen again…
Eleyna: I’m sorry, but now I must faint cause that took a lot out of me *she faints*
Meracle: LETS OVERREACT CAUSE WE THINK SHE MIGHT BE DEAD NOW!!!
*some hours later*
Lymle: She’s out cold, ‘kay.
Reimi: You know, she still hasn’t told us how to get into Purgatorium…
Faize: Well, we still have to go save her. If we can’t find a way in, WE’LL BUST OUR WAY IN!
Edge: No! We can’t do that! We have to wait for her to wake up!
Faize: YOU’RE NOT THE EDGE I KNOW! The Edge I know would not hesitate! That’s why I joined you!
Edge: No! We have to wait, so we can find the right way in!
Faize: NEVER! We don’t have time!
Reimi: STOP FIGHTING YOU TWO! You’re acting like Yaoi Lovers in quarrel! Damn it, EDGE IS MINE! AND HE’S THE LEADER! ACCEPT HIS DECISION!
Eleyna: I’m sorry…how long was I out for?
Reimi: Its already morning!
Eleyna: I’M GETTING OLD OH NO! Anyway, what did I miss?
Reimi: Just my best friend and the green haired guy bitching and whining about how to get into the Purgatorium.
Eleyna: Oh, that’s my fault. I should have given you this first!
Faize: A Key Card? Wow, didn’t know this planet played Doom!
Eleyna: If I had given you this, you two wouldn’t have fought. Also, you could have gone earlier. Good thing you didn’t go though; if you busted in, you would have hurt Sarah.
Edge: I…made the right choice?
Faize: I’m sorry Edge…
Eleyna: Anyway, you guys have to go going…oh, Alleycat!
Meracle: MY NAME IS MERACLE!
Eleyna: Ok, whatever. Come back here when you’re done and tell me about your Holy Maiden; I’ll try to live more up to her standards!
Meracle: I’ll come back here if I feel like it *sticks tongue out*
Edge: …she’ll come back…
Eleyna: And YOU Sipling…STOP BEING SO SELF CENTERED! I mean, geez, its one planet in an infinite number of stars. You are not the only person around, and you alone can’t change the universe. YOU CAN’T CHANGE FIGHT. Stop being a whiny little bitch and just accept this fact. MOVE FORWARD ALREADY. You’ll become your old self if you do this.
Edge: I…huh?
Eleyna; Besides, you got HER by your side. Woman, you’ll always be with him, WON’T YOU?
Reimi: Yes, I will!!!
Eleyna: Good, now stop angsting and move ahead! Like all mains, you need to break out of that!
Edge: …ok.
*outside of the hideout*
Edge: hey guys, I’m ready to start moving forward again!
*And there was much rejoicing*
Team: Yay! </unenthusiastic>
Myuria: Oh, hi! We meet again!
Edge: YOU!!!!
Reimi: Edge, you know her?
Edge: Yeah, met her a short while ago. She was also the girl who saved us on the Cardoinan ship.
Myuria: I notice your team is lacking in Non-Loli Fanservice, so I think its about time I join you! Besides, I got a date with this ASMODEUS!!! myself.
Edge: In other words, you’re joining us earlier than expected, and are going to follow us til we lead you to Crowe, whom you are going to kill?
Myuria: Yes, pretty much.
Reimi: Wait, she’s going to KILL CROWE? Edge! How can you let someone like that on our team!?
Edge: Cause lets face it; either she’ll learn that Crowe is not a bad guy, and want to stop killing him, OR…
Reimi: or what?
Edge: Crowe is in fact an evil jack ass, and we’ll end up killing him ourselves as a result, and we’ll be forced to apologize at how she was right.
Reimi: Can it really be that bad?
Edge: Well, maybe he’ll just be an Anti-villain with conflicting views, whom we will have to fight anyway, but won’t kill, and he’ll have a big epic heroic sacrifice trying to save us so we still realize he was a good guy.
Reimi: I…see…
Bacchus: Hmm…you said you were on a mission?
Myuria: Ah, yes, its my duty as a Morphus!
Bacchus: AHA! A fellow Morphus like myself!
Myuria: Ah, you’re Bacchus? I heard about you! You really are something else!
Edge: Anyway, lets go onto Purgatorium!
Faize: So, let me sum up the entire conversation we had with Eleyna so far…
Bacchus: Yes?
Faize: Basically, the villain of the original Star Ocean is coming back, we have to stop him from coming, so he can come back 40 years later, and the main characters from Star Ocean 1, half of whom travel back in time, are suppose to kick his ass?
Bacchus: Yes, that is it.
Faize: Were the writers of Tri-Ace so freaking lazy that they can’t come up with an original plot? I mean, they already ripped off Star Ocean 3’s plot with the TRINITY CHILDREN, and now we’re dealing with that Archfiend from the first game. What’s next? You’re going to tell me that your Home Planet is actually Expel under a different name?
Bacchus: Expel? OF COURSE ITS NOT THAT!
Faize: Oh, phew…
Bacchus: Its Energy Nede
Faize: …
