Star Ocean 4 Abridged:
Episode 9 - Lets Talk About Things No One Understands
Edge: Ok, so where is this Sanctuary?
Bacchus: We can either take the road there or transport directly to that spot in mere seconds from Centropolis.
Edge: Right, lets do the transporter thing!
*at the Transporter*
Transporter Girl: I'm sorry, this thing doesn't work. Please take the LONG TREACHEROUS ROAD to the Sanctuary that people haven't used in millions of years.
Edge: ...how'd I know things wouldn't be that easy?
*at the road, they reach a wall blocked by vines*
Reimi: Um...sir, how do we get past here?
Old Guy: Oh, you need a Wind Ring of course!
Myuria: Why can't we just use a Fire Ring to burn down the vines?
Old Guy: What do you think this is? POKEMON!? NO! YOU MUST USE A WIND RING!
Arumat: Or I could use my Scythe and CUT DOWN THEM IN NO TIME. I mean, these are vines we're talking about.
Old Guy: WIND. RING. NEEDED. GET. NOW.
Lymle: Where is the wind ring, 'kay?
Old Guy: Oh, the Chief of the Flora/Fauna lab should have it! He's back at Centropolis.
*at Flora/Fauna research*
Edge: Hey, you, Chief guy, where's the Wind Ring?
Chief: Oh, I had it...but I buried it in a grave years ago.
Edge: Oh, yeah, THAT makes a lot of sense...so what grave?
Chief: I'm sorry, I don't know, it was years ago! I'm shocked that guy even remembers.
Bacchus: The Cemetery is located on the complete opposite side of this town, may I advise we head over there?
Edge: Isn't this entire artificial planet kind of, you know, IN A STATE OF EMERGENCY And we're forced to take our time looking for one freaking ring?
Bacchus: That is correct.
Edge: *Sigh* lets get this over with.
*at the cemetery*
Some Other Guy: Oh, yeah, I saw the ring! It was buried in a grave stone over there!
Edge: Right, lets check that gra-...huh? There's a note here.
Note: DO NOT DEFILE THE GRAVE OF THE DEAD! HEED THIS WARNING! YOU ARE FOOLS TO DO SO! By the way, the Ring is with the Unyielding Gravekeeper.
Myuria: A riddle, how cute.
Arumat: You don't sound very convincing.
Bacchus: Analyzing data...it seems the ring will be in the tree just up those stairs.
Edge: So the unyielding Gravekeeper is a tree?
Bacchus: Yes.
Edge: And no one sees anything wrong with this?
Bacchus: By my calculations, if a tree can be a villain, it can be used for a completely worthless fetch quest riddle.
Edge: Good point, lets just get that ring.
*Team gets ring, runs back, takes down vines*
Edge: Ok, FINALLY, we can progress!
Meracle: Hey look! An old guy! MEOW! Lets go talk to him!
Sarah: Oh dear, I think that guy is an ene-...
*Battle starts, Stab the Sword of Justice from Star Ocean 2 kicks in*
Sarah: ...my. Say, why does the music sound different?
Reimi: Its Star Ocean 2 Fanservice world, of course they have to have music that is from that game here! Anyway, lets just kill this-...
Meracle: Falcon...PAWNCH!!!!!
Wizard: I can't die...yet...
Reimi: ...fight...
"This Game's Winner is...MERACLE!"
Meracle: Meow! I did it!
*fight ends, team reaches the last room*
Bacchus: My censors indicate the Grigori is over there!
Edge: Is there any reason you had to tell us that? I mean, we can plainly see the guy right in front of us...
Bacchus: No, no there was not. I guess even my Cold Hard Steel Body is impulsive.
*they confront the Grigori, who will be known as Koala Bear cause I can't remember his actual name, just that it resembles that*
Koala Bear: Rar! It is you pests again!
Edge: Wait, you guys actually share a single brain?
Koala Bear: Yes! Though, we don't share a personality, so unlike my bug freakish sister, I will not be hurling Kingdom Hearts quotes at you.
Edge: Ok, good.
Koala Bear: Now, you will submit to our-...
Edge: I thought you said no Kingdom Hearts quotes?
Koala Bear: ...ok, FINE! You will ACCEPT our divine rule and how we will recreate the universe! All is one! One is all! We are that all that is one that is all that is...
Reimi: I think he started an infinite Ko loop...
Koala Bear: SILENCE!!! Now, you will die!
Edge: Nah, it is YOU who will die! We won't fall for your same mind control trick again!
Koala Bear: Oh, but we won't fall for YOUR trap a second time either! Activate INSTANT PWNAGE PLOT MOVE!
Everyone: Oh god! We must suddenly drop unconscious due to this mist!
Koala Bear: Don't worry, you will all keep your will. It is a shame you didn't leave or we could have spared your lives for just a few more minutes. Now, I will conveniently leave while you just sit there unconcious and not actually kill you and-...
*Arrow gets shot RIGHT IN HIS FACE*
Reimi: JUST AS PLANNED!!!
*symbol on her neck is glowing*
Koala Bear: WHAT!!?!
Reimi: Easy. I knew you'd start ranting when you thought we were all dead, so I just played along. See, I'm a little different than other people. Now get up everyone!
Edge: Huh? we're fine? Sweet! Thanks Reimi!
Reimi: Edge, how you feeling?
Edge: *powers up his symbol* LIKE I'M READY TO KICK HIS ASS!
Koala Bear: Oh poo-poo.
*Cue really fucking annoying boss fight*
Edge: You know what? This fight pisses me off! But I have one trump card up my sleeve!
Arumat: And what might that be, amateur?
Edge: Stampede Blast!!! -> Did I hit him? -> Yes -> Mystic Cross!!! -> Is he dead yet? -> No -> Is he close? -> Yes -> SHORYUKEN!!1
*Koala Bear goes into death animation*
Arumat: I'm not sure what the hell happened, but I can't argue with the results.
*after fight*
Koala Bear: NO! If you, WOMAN, didn't exist, we would have succeeded faster!
Myuria: Yeah, well, too bad, Reimi does exist, and it sucks to be you.
Koala Bear: The Light, THE LIIIIIIGHT!
*he dies*
Edge: Reimi! You did it! Its all thanks to you you did it!
Reimi: I...did it, didn't I? Me and my power saved everyone? I don't believe it! I really can bring happiness to people, I CAN BE A SHINING STAR OF HOPE!
Lymle: Reirei is happy, so I'm happy too, hurray.
Bacchus: It seems Giotto is fond of our efforts as well. In fact, he's going to pay all our expenses in town when we go back for some rest!
Edge: So basically, everything is for free?
Bacchus: That is correct.
Edge: ALRIGHT! TIME TO LET LOOSE!
Myuria: So...anyone wanna tell him that this will last only until the end of this long plot scene?
Arumat: Let the kid enjoy his moment; it'll be that much more amusing when he realizes its completely meaningless later.
Lymle: I'm hungry, 'kay.
Meracle: If you're hungry, I'm famished!
*Meracle eyes Sarah*
Sarah: Huh, is there something wrong?
Edge: Anyway, lets get some rest!
*that night, in the inn*
Edge: Huh? You're up too Reimi? Couldn't sleep?
Reimi: Yeah, I just got up myself.
Edge: Had a nightmare, eh?
Reimi: ...what makes you think THAT!?
Edge: Cause you seem to have them all the time? I've known you for like ever and every other day you'd come whining to me about bad dreams you've had.
Reimi: ...did I really do that?
Edge: Yes, did you forget or something?
Reimi: Evidently. Anyway, it was just a dream about Mom and Dad. One I've had a lot. Only now I can look at it and be happy about ti for the first time. I can also say this for the first time. "Mom, Dad...thanks."
Edge: Heh, yeah, I should say that too. "Mom, Dad, thanks for the SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME POWERS I have and this sweet looking crest on my hand!"
Reimi: You know, I use to hate my body and-...
Edge: ...you told me this already.
Reimi: I'M TELLING YOU AGAIN EDGE! But anyway, now I see there are advantages to BEING IMMORTAL!!! Not being able to die from natural causes is so nice! I use to wish I was born a normal person, and always hated my parents for that but...NOT ANYMORE! I was also jealous of you Edge cause you came to grips with your own special powers that are still really kind of vague so easily, when I've been angsting about it my entire life.
Edge: I'm sorry for being so accepting?
Reimi: But not anymore! I was able to protect everyone thanks to that power! Even the person I love want to be with the most!
Edge: Oh, whose that?
*Reimi puts her hand on Edge's*
Edge: ...oh.
Reimi: Edge, I never noticed how firm your back is...and warm too. </actual line of dialog>
Edge: Huh? What's that suppose to...
*Edge notices Reimi is sleeping on his back*
Edge: ...oh.
*the next morning*
Bacchus: It seems "Ex" wants to tell us the exact plans for taking out the Missing Procedure, it is advisable we go meet him.
Edge: Right! TO MONITOR ROOM A WE GO!
*at Monitor Room A, there's a fuck load of Nedians Morphus*
Edge: Are all of these guys going to become Party members or something? Cause I didn't realize this was a Suikoden...
Giotto: Oh, them? No, they're just going to be cannon fodder soldiers that will assist you on your mission to take out the NOX OBSCURA!!!! *insert ominous music here*
Myuria: The who of what now?
Bacchus: No data of such a thing exists.
Giotto: Of course not, "Ex" only learned of it 5 minutes ago, which is why he didn't tell you before hand.
Edge: How convenient...mind telling us what it is?
Giotto: Basically, Missing Procedure creates Grigori, Grigori grab life energy, send it to Nox Obscura, Nox Obscura takes Life energy, amplifies it, sends it to Missing Procedure, where it creates more Grigori and...
Reimi: In otherwords, its an infinite loop of EVIL?
Edge: Didn't we already have one infinite loop reference in this episode?
Reimi: Yes, but this time, ITS SERIOUS!
Giotto: In short, that's correct. The Nox Obscura is also some really fucked up condensed black hole, for that matter.
Arumat: So all we gotta do is blow up the Nox Obscura in order to stop the Missing Procedure? That sounds easy enough!
Giotto: Ah! Its not that simple! We MAY be able to stop it! But we have to SUCCEED first!
Edge: ...isn't that the case with everything?
Giotto: Yes, yes it is.
Edge: So...what is this Nox Obscura anyway?
Giotto: Look at this computer screen?
*picture of an ENTIRE BIG EVIL PLANET appears*
Arumat: You know, maybe blowing that thing up might be a little harder than it sounds.
Edge: Hey, is that the Cardionan Ship STUCK IN THERE!?
Bacchus: Yes, it is. It seems their destination was the Nox Obscura.
Reimi: So their destiny was extinction? Its so sad!
Edge: I know. THOSE EVIL BASTARDS were all killed and wiped off...and we didn't get to kill them ourselves.
Giotto: Oh yeah, the planet is heading towards your Solar System, it seems to want to *close up to Giotto* EAT. EARTH.
Edge: ...
Reimi: ...
Giotto: Oh, don't worry, you still have time. Ok, here's the plan! In this big planet, there's literally ONE Lifeform, located directly at the center. We're going to bombard the planet with everything we got, penetrate it, and fire a photon torpedo right in this small area, hitting the middle of it, causing a chain reaction, causing the Nox Obscurus r to self destruct.
Edge: ...uhh...I think you're looking at the wrong plans.
Giotto: I...huh? How'd this read out of the Death Star get in here?
"Ex": OOOH! I got you good Giotto! Oh yeah, thank you Edge for reviving my sense of humor! Ohohohoho!
Giotto: ...can we get serious?
"Ex": Er...right, I'm not suppose to be in this scene, later!
Giotto: Ok, the REAL plan is that we all land on the planet, head right to the core, and destroy it! Just one of us has to make it there, so the rest of you can all be dead. Oh, yes, we'll grieve for your losses, but as long as one of you makes it nothing else matters! I of course will be stationed nicely on this planet safe from harm while you all go on this suicide mission!
Lymle: I think I get it.
Meracle: Yeah, I understand everything, meow!
Sarah: I...could you go over that again!?
Lymle: Sarrie, you're over there, 'kay?
Meracle: Yeah, stop getting in everyone's way!
*Meracle and Lymle drag Sarah away*
Giotto: Anyway, we have finished upgrading your ship, OUR NEW HONORARY COMRADES, and it now has really awesome lasers that can help out in a fight.
Arumat: Well about time!
Giotto: Oh, and...good luck out there! (you're going to need it.)
Edge: Thanks!
*They shake hands*
Myuria: Lets see. We've already had lots of Star Ocean 1 fanservice, and now we have to invade some other planet helped by a bunch of my kind who are clearly NOT from Star Ocean 2.
Arumat: Are you implying something?
Myuria: Oh, I'm just wondering what half assed Star Ocean 2 Fan service they can cook up in the next 5 hours.
Arumat: Is it possible they might actually avoid the fanservice, and come up with something actually original for once in this game?
Myuria: No, I've lost all faith in their ability to be remotely creative back on Roak.