The current game I'm playing is so ridiculous, it HAS to be written in the following format!
Onimusha 3: Abridged.
NOTE: I don't remember some of the names from characters in the intro, so I'm just gonna use generic titles for them.
*in Warring States Japan, Zombie Skeleton Demons and Samurai Ninjas are fighting. Yes, you read that right.*
Samurai Commander: Alright, guys, our mission is to attack Nobunaga head on and kill him! And by our, I mean yours, Samonosuke.
Samonosuke: Why me?
Commander: Because you're the main character, you were in the first game, and you have all this awesome magical bullshit that renders the rest of us completely worthless.
Samonosuke: ...eh, good enough.
*Samonosuke charges in, kicks the crap out of a bunch of Zombie Skeleton Demons with magical swords and such*
Samonosuke: Man, those GENMA!!! are wimps. That, or I'm just awesome.
*he reaches Nobunaga's room*
Nobunaga: Aha, so you're here, SAMONOSUKE!
Samonosuke: Die monster, you don't belong in this world!
Nobunaga: THIS IS DELICIOUS!!!
Samonosuke: ...ok, I'm not sure how to take it from here, so why not lets just fight?
Nobunaga: Sure! And by "Sure" I mean GET HIM RANMARU!
*Random 14 year old bishie boy appears*
Ranmaru: FOR NOBUNAGA!!!!!!!!!
*Samonoskuke kicks his ass*
Ranmaru: Damn your magical bullshit! *dies*
Nobunaga: Uh, shit, well, um, you see, how about we have a truce?
Samonosuke: No, now I shall take off your...
*random black sphere of DOOM!!! appears on Samonosuke, he disappears*
Nobunaga: ...what the fuck just happened? Seriously, I control an army of ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS and I have no clue.
*Meanwhile, in modern Paris, France*
NOTE: If a line is in Itallics, it is spoken in french, thus to illustrate when characters can't understand each other.
Jacques:
Ah, smoking on a mundane day like this. Nothing can go wrong here!*gets a call*
French Guy:
Jacques, we need you here, come down here will you?Jacques:
Wonder what that could be about?*random magical bullshit*
Jacques:
I'm sure that's nothing to worry about!*scene shift*
French Guy:
OH CRAP! WE'RE DYING CAUSE OUR GUNS DON'T WORK ON ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS!*Jacques heroically rides in on a motorcycle, guns down a bunch of demons*
Jacques:
Too easy! *runs out of ammo, random french expletive is stated*
*Black Sphere of doom appears in a near alley way*
Samonosuke: ...ok, where am I? *sees a Zombie Skeleton Demon* A Genma? I MUST PURSUE IT AND-...wait, where did my awesome swords go? FUCK! All I have is this dinky katana, a generic bow, and this GAUNTLET OF MYSTICALNESS? *sigh* Looks like I've been struck with *zoom up* SEQUELITIS! Anyway, about those GENMA...
Jacques:
Ok, this isn't good. We're cornered, I'm out of ammo, and I'm not Dante so being awesome with a motorcycle is out of the question...French Guy:
Face it, we're doomed.Samonosuke: VILE DEMONS HAVE AT THEE!!!! *kills the Genma*
Jacques:
Who is this guy? Why does he look different? And... *Black sphere of Magical Bullshit swallows both Jacques and French Guy*
Samonosuke: ...ok, seriously, as someone who fights this magical nonsense on a regular basis, I still have no clue what's going on...but there's Genma around and I should just go deal with them. Maybe I can figure out where the hell I am in the process!
*Samonosuke runs around slaughtering demons until...*
French Woman:
You there! Dressed in your odd attire! Put your hands up!Samonosuke: ...what is this demon speak you are saying?
French Woman:
Do you understand me?Samonosuke: No, no I do not.
French Woman:
Oh ok and...wait, how did you know the answer to that if you didn't? Wait, how did I know what you said if I can't understand you?Samonosuke: ...
French Woman:
...Samonosuke: ...
French Woman:
...Samonosuke: ...
French Woman:
...Samonosuke: ...
French Woman:
...Samonosuke: Yeah, I'm...gonna sort of go now before explosions and such happen from demons.
French Woman:
Wait! Where are you going? Get back here before I... *Demons attack, killing her men*
Samonosuke: That's my cue to KICK ASS! *he does so* Now, about figuring out where I am...*his gauntlet causes a FRENCH MONUMENT to open up to a Japanese Artifact, giving him a magical twin sword* ...well, that's a surprise, at least now I'm not using this Dinky Katana anymore!
French Woman:
Screw it, I'm leaving.
Samonosuke: Now, to find out where I am! *he climbs up a random tower* Damn, the architecture of this place makes no sense, I'm going to assume I'm in China. Yeah, China sounds about right.
*some guy who will be referred to as Skeletor until a proper name comes up appears*
Skeletor: Ah,
Heman Samonosuke! Long time no see!
Samonosuke: Its you! whose...name I've forgotten...stop sending Genma or something, they're annoying.
Skeletor: Oh, sure, I'll stop.
Samonosuke: Really? Well, that was easy.
Skeletor: Instead I'll send this DEMON WITH MOUNTED MACHINE GUNS AT YOU!
Samonsuke: What's a "machine gun"? *said demon appears* ...I wish I didn't ask...
*Samonosuke fights and wins victoriously! He then pursues french woman*
*meanwhile, back in Warring States Japan...sometime BEFORE Samonosuke teleported away...its best not to think about it...*
French Guy:
Man, I'm going to die. I could have died in any one elses arms, but why did it have to be YOU!?Jacques:
Oh just stop whining...anyway, I best figure out where I am. I don't think we're in Kansas Paris anymore! *Jacques looks at his arm*
...ok, now I have this freaky gauntlet attached to my arm, where did THAT come from? Screw it, I'm exploring! *He explores and sees HIS SON HENRI attacked by a demon*
Jacques:
Henri! No! I must save you! Uhh...uhh...crap, I'm out of ammo, what the hell can I do? *Laser Whip appears in his hand*
What the hell is this thing? Well, I might as well use it! *kills Demon with the whip*
Henri are you alright? *Henri disappears*
An illusion? WHAT MADESS IT THIS!?Mystical Spirit: You are a chosen one! That was a test to get you your weapon out! You will have to join with the other one whose in your time to vanquish the evil and save the world!
Jacques:
What?Mystical Spirit: You don't understand me, do you?
Jacques:
?
Mystical Spirit: ...AKO! GET YOUR ASS HERE AND TRANSLATE!
*little crow demon girl appears*
Ako: Aha! Here I am! And now that I'm here, I'll give you the power to SPEAK ENGLISH!
Jacques: Wow, I understand-...wait, how the fuck am I speaking English? And where the hell did my french accent go?
Ako: That's my power! Oh, you're in Warring States Era Japan!
Jacques: I...see...and I take it those demons have something to do with it?
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: And you're a fairy like creature that lets me speak English?
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: ...despite how you're from Japan?
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: ...and you help me speak English?
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: ...and we're in JAPAN, right?
Ako: We've established that already, what's your point?
Jacques: Shouldn't you like, I dunno, make me speak Japanese by all logic?
Ako: Oh shut up and just continue on your quest. I'll even help you out only so you can speak to everyone you meet along the way.
Jacques: Ok...fine...
*the two travel, run into a samurai fighting demons*
Samurai: Stupid Genma, DIE!
Jacques: Looks like you could use a hand *whips them to death* This weapon is weird...
Samurai: Ah, many thanks. My name is Samonosuke!
Ako: Psst, Jacques, just so you know, that's the guy who you traded places in the future.
Jacques: So...this is the guy I traded places with...and he's standing right there...
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: And he's currently in the future too?
Ako: Yep! But this is his younger self!
Jacques: And the one in the future didn't recognize me at all and seemed to have no clue what was going on.
Ako: Yes!
Jacques: ...please, someone, wake me from this dream!
Samonosuke: Might I ask why you have a MAGICAL ONI GAUNTLET like I do?
Jacques: Beats me, I woke up with this thing on.
Samonosuke: I see...well, if you have it, it means I can trust you! Now I have a dickish general to kick the ass of.
Jacques: Should I help him?
Ako: Yes, cause beating him will lead you back home!
Jacques: Ok.
*the two cut swath across demons, Jacques eventually gets an Ivy-like WHIP SWORD and becomes more awesome*
Jacques: So, whose this guy we're killing?
Samonosuke: Nobunaga.
Jacques: And he's in this room?
Samonosuke: I...think?
Jacques: Well, lets get in there so I can go home already!
*Ranmaru appears*
Ranmaru: AHA! Samonosuke! WE MEET AGAIN!
Samononsuke: Do we? Are you sure this isn't the first time we've met?
Ranmaru: ...good question. Lets just fight.
Jacques: Hey, what about me?
Ranmaru: Oh, you have a mercenary with you...who has a bad ass long coat...damn it, I'm taking this up wiht my boss why we can't get anyone like this. Screw it, CLICHE SAMURAI ZOMBIE THING, GET HIM! *Ranmaru and Samonosuke run off*
Jacques: *sigh* Might as well make the most of this*
*one boss fight later*
Jacques: Well, I'm fine, but I wonder how my son is...need to tell him I'm alright.
Ako: Oh! I can do that! That's no problem!
Jacques: Wait, how can you talk to my son? We're 500 years (even if by my math, its only 420...) before he was even born!
Ako: Oh, I can time travel back and forth between points! I'll be back in a jiff! Later!
Jacques: ...how convenient...
*back in Paris France*
Samonosuke: Ok, recapping, I was about to kill Nobunaga, I get sent to some place that I'm pretty sure is China, beat up some demons, Skeletor summons a giant monster with weapons I've never seen before...
Ako: SAMONOSUKE!!!!!
Samonosuke: ...and now I have to deal with a Tengu *sigh* Alright, who are you, what do you want, and how do you know me?
Ako: Oh, Jacques sent me! He's taking your place in the warring states era while you're here in the FUTURE!!! taking his place.
Samonosuke: ...ok, that makes perfect sense, go on.
Ako: The two of you have to work together. You do your part on this end while he does his part on his end.
Samonosuke: Wouldn't it have been easier to just let Jacques stay in this time and me stay in my time so we're dealing with familiar stuff?
Ako: Hey, I'm just the messenger!
Samonsuke: Fair enough. So this Jacques fellow...
French Woman: Aha! There you are weird man! ...thank you for killing the demons...
Samonosuke: Ah, no problem, and...wait, you can speak English?
French Woman: ...you can understand me now?
Ako: Tee hee ^_^
French Woman: Whose that?
Ako: I'm Ako! A Tengu!
Samonosuke: Just assume she's friendly and don't ask questions; its easier that way.
French Woman: Anyway, I need your help, you're good at GHOST BUSTING and I need to find Jacques!
Samonosuke: Jacques...won't be coming I'm afraid.
French Woman: YOU KILLED HIM!?
Samonosuke: Err...uh, I mean, no, he's sort of back 500 years in the past and I'm his replacement from that era. Again, its best you don't ask questions, that's how I get through this stuff.
French Woman: Uh-huh...well, my name is Michelle and I'm his fiancee. *she gets a call* What? You need back up? Ok, I'm on it!
Samonosuke: Looks like I know who my partner is for this mission.
*Samonosuke and Michelle hurry to the basement*
Michelle: What happened here?
Samonosuke: The Genma got here before we did.
Michelle: Well, we gotta find the others, come on!
Samonosuke: That sounds easy.
Michelle: This is going to require some annoying item finding, switch puzzles and possibly a password in the mix.
Samonosuke: ...nuts...
*after dealing with those puzzles, talking to some useless French Guys, and getting out of the sewers*
Samonosuke: *hears a ring* What is this odd noise? Its coming from this device that somehow is in my pocket...VILE ARTIFACT OF DEMON MAGIC I WILL DESTROY YOU!
Michelle: Err, wait! Let me take that! Its probably from Jacques!
Samonosuke: I thought I told you he's...
Michelle: I know, but let me keep my delusions of grandeur damn it! *speaks on the phone* ...ok, that was from his son Henri.
Samonosuke: I'm still confused as to what the hell is going on...
Michelle: Oh, this device lets me speak to people from far away...
Samonosuke: I see...
Michelle: Now, lets go to Jacques' house to tell his son!
Samonosuke: Ok...
*they get there*
Henri: Daddy!!! *sees Michelle walks in* Oh, its YOU! AND WHOSE HE?
Michelle: Hi, this is Samonosuke, a Samurai from JAPAN!
Ako: AND I'M AKO A TENGU!
Henri: HUH!?!?!?
Samonosuke: This is a long story, we best explain it...
*one fade away later*
Michelle: And that's what happened...
Samonosuke: Wait, weren't you wearing a jacket earlier? When did you take it off?
Michelle: During the cut scene shift of course.
Samonosuke: Oh, right.
Henri: So dad's not coming back for a while...GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!
MIchelle: Henri...
Ako: I don't think they get along...
Samonosuke: You can say that again.
Ako: I don't think they get along...oh, right! I gotta go tell Jacques we passed the message along, later!
*Back in Japan, Jacques is sitting down bored*
Ako: I'M BAAAAAACK! I told your son everything!
Jacques: Ah, good.
Ako: And he's a stubborn grouch like this dad!
Jacques: A cute one though! Anyway, I guess I best get a move...say, what's in that chest? *he opens it, and finds a Rolex watch* THIS IS FROM YM ERA!? But how can that be...
Samonosuke: Ah, you found something...this is from a TRADING COMPANY WITH THE EAST!
Jacques: So...lets head on over there then?
Samonosuke: Yeah, sure why not.
And so, we leave our heroes in what is no doubt a ridiculous plot. Stay tuned for more nonsense in the future!