The Vampire Lestat
I will now summarize this book
*SPOILERS*
Lestat: "I want to do something cool with my life, like learn to read or become an actor."
Father: "No."
Lestat: *cries*
Mother: *bribes Lestat*
Villagers: "Hey Lestat, the wolves are killing us. You're the only competent noble, please help us."
Lestat: *kills wolves*
Dad: "I still don't love you."
Mom: "Lestat, I'm dieing. I also feel guilty about keeping you here--I was selfish, but you're like...the only awesome person in this family. As my dying wish, go get a life, and take that Nicholas dude with you."
Lestat: "Nicholas, your violin is divine."
Nicholas: "No, it is demonic!"
Lestat: "Divine!"
Nicholas: "Demoniiiiiiiic! I am evil, evil evil!"
Magnus: "Surprise, Lestat, I'm making you a vampire because you're so totally HOT. Oh, and I'm leaving you shitloads of money and committing suicide. Bye now!"
Lestat: "Well, I guess I'll just tell my family and friends that I unexpectedly married rich, and bribe them with money."
Nicholas: "Eeeeeeeeviiiiiil. I'm so eeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiil. I'm not sure what happened to Lestat, but I'm sure it's eeeeeeeeeeviiiiiil."
Mom: "Have you forgotten Lestat? I'm not retarded and can read between the lines. SURPRISE VISIT!"
Lestat: "Damn. Well...wanna be a Vampire?"
Mom: "Sure!"
Gabrielle: "I am no longer Mom and now just Gabrielle. Also my boobs just got bigger--so much for being trapped in whatever form your body held when you changed.... Oh well. Hey Lestat, let's make out!"
Vampire Street Gang: "OMG, you walked into a church as a Vampire! You're going to bring down holy judgement on us all!!"
Lestat: *sensually licks a cross* "Look ma, God hasn't struck me down!"
Vampire Street Gang: "Oh. Cool then, let's disperse."
Armand: "What have you DONE??? How the hell will we pass the time without pointless satanic rituals? Who will tell me exactly what to do and when?? *cries*"
Nicholas: "Eeeeeeviiiiil. Hey Lestat, how could you become so eeeeeeeviiiiil and not share it with me? That's not fair! I should be eeeeeeviiiiiil."
Gabrielle: "Don't, he's a loser EMO-goth, do you really want THAT to live forever."
Lestat: "But, but, I feel sorry for him!" *changes*
Gabrielle: "Idiot."
Nicholas: *EMOFailure*
Lestat: "Good God what have I done. Umm...here's your violin?"
Nicholas: "Violin...yes, haha, let's put on Vampire plays!!!!"
Gabrielle: "I think that's as close as you will ever get to making his character not fail at life."
Armand: "No, seriously, Lestat, what the hell do I do now that I have no rituals?"
Lestat: "Umm...stop failing. How did you end up like this?"
Armand: "Well I was raised for years by the smartest, most godless, well-educated, open-minded Vampire out there, but then some savages came and burned him and the house and forced me to join the cult AND NOW I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE. I still dream about the old dude like he's alive, though."
Lestat: "Wow, really? That was your upbringing and you're having trouble adjusting? You fail more than I thought."
Gabrielle: "Unlike the 'moral vampires' Lestat and Louis, I live in the forest and drink the blood of animals."
Lestat: "Wow. You're so..."
Gabrielle: "Also, I want to make a global organization of Vampires with the sole goal of destroying all human civilization."
Lestat: "WTF, why?"
Gabrielle: "That way there will be more forests with fluffy bunnies! Everywhere! Ahahahahahahaha!"
Armand: "I'm over 300 years old."
Marius: "I'm around 1700 years old."
Marius: *opens tabernacle* "THEY'RE OVER SIX THOUSAAAAAAND!!!"
Lestat: "WHAT? Six THOUSAND? There's no WAY that can be true!"
Marius: "Also, if you put them out in the sun, all other vampires will be burned because they share the original blood."
reader: "Wait, if sharing blood means sharing the burns, why didn't Lestat die when Magnus jumped in the fire?"
book: *crickets*
Lestat: "Akasha's hot, I want to make out with her."
Lestat: *makes out with her*
Lestat: "After all, if I anger the Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh, what's he going to do? Challenge me to a children's card game?"
Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh: *begins crushing Letstat's head*
Lestat: "Fuck."
Marius: "By the way, don't tell anyone else about them. Telling people the secret trick to destroy all vampires would be kinda bad."
Lestat: "No prob. Who am I going to tell, my dad? Louis, who freaks out so much I haven't even explained the mind-reading?"
Claudia: "What about me?"
Lestat: "Aww, you're so cute when you're innocent! Yes you are, oh yes you are. You are such a good girl!"
Lestat: "Armand killed Louis and Claudia. The world is boring now. I think I'll go crawl into a hole."
Armand: "Hey what about me?"
Lestat: *crawls into a hole*
Armand: *sigh* "Why does nobody love me?"
Lestat: "Hey, I hear rock and roll, and I think it's awesome!!! I'm going to crawl back out of my hole now and form a rock band!"
Lestat: "Hey kids, my name is the Vampire Lestat, you're my backup band, and we're going to be famous!"
Kids: "Lestat...oh you mean like that fictional character written by Louis."
Lestat: "What?
Show me! Now!"
Lestat: "Wow Louis, you broke all the rules. That's MY job. I'm going to do you one better by in addition to an autobiography, have music videos and live concerts. Also, you don't know half the shit I do!"
Louis: "Hi, read your book, cool stuff, let's go to the concert!"
LoserPires: "You must die for what you have done Lestat!!!"
OVER NINE THOUSAND: *incinerates LoserPires* "Hey sexy, I'm back!"
Needless to say...much better than the first book for me. That was actually enjoyable...especially towards the second half of the book when stuff started getting more and more ridiculous. It is, however, noteworthy that I still find her descriptions of the mundane part of the universe pretty underwhelming. It's not like I can't enjoy mundane (I'm a big Jane Austen fan and all that) I'm just not hugely impressed by Anne Rice's mundane.