So yeah finally got back onto my laptop and have a log of stream of consciousness babble I was doing while watching the show. I kept finding myself a bit bored needing to do something with my hands while watching Noir while on holiday. So I was going through the motions of touch typing the translated dialogue as it came up without actually pressing down on the keys. A few to many typo faults of actually pressing the buttons pausing or stopping the track, so opened up a text document thinking I would do mini reviews as they went along for a laugh. Then it quickly just nosedived into full blown ranting and yelling (Sopko is probably a little knowing what to expect, but not in full since this is -everything- that goes through my head, not just the stuff funny enough to say out loud). So yeah not sure if anyone will care, but hey it might get someone to laugh.
This is all from a few weeks ago now so I don't remember what I was talking about for most of it. Spoilers obviously, but they will be pretty obscured by completely incoherent rambling. OH yeah I also seem to have not had the entire series, was like a disc short.
Noir 6 episodes in.
Basic story structure varying between two chicks involved. Jailbait meets side character/object she likes, will have to kill owner of said thing she likes. This is supposed to reflect how she regrets that she does not feel pity over killing. Remorse is still remorse. Other plot is, older chick meets something she likes. She will ultimately have to kill things.
It is like The Professional mashed up with monster of the week shoujo, but the monster of the week is someone we are supposed to pity either because they are trying to be good or because they are closed minded pitiful people. Also add in a token ominous plot point resolution 5/8 of the way through the episode.
Add lots of (honestly pretty nice) decompressed shots of people walking around and feeling sorry for themselves or token action sequence with someone getting shot in the face and you have this. It is nice, but formulaic and badly needed more than 4 tracks. You can tell exactly where you are in any given episode so far by which track is playing. The music box for decompressed shock sequence, followed by the drum and bassish remix of said tune for ominous plot sequence, the stringed instruments and choir hit us for the action sequence.
I dunno I think it is trying to be something I should like made on a tight budget, which goes part in parcel for most anime that I kind of like.
OH yeah and specifcally on Episode 6. HOLY FUCK UNCANNY VALLEY CAT.
Episode 7.
Jailbait finds a bullet with her intestines! Kills the owner of the bullet with a card.
Episode 8
ARGH PLEASE GO BACK TO THE OLD SONGS. Alright, it was justa sting in the opening but wow that was bad. Older chick meets someone she doesn't kill! Unresolved plot thread? Maybe! Do I care about this character? No!
Warning from here on out I start to free associate and this is what watching Anime with me is like, I will say about half this stuff out loud.
Episode 9
Okay so we are going to resolve the plot thread. We are also going to have Thelma and Louise references. OH yeah I forgot the song for INVESTIGATION or TRAVEL! Which sounds like it belongs in Sonic and Knuckles. Stock footage is getting boring. You know if this followed the Professional format more instead of the Shoujo format more someone would have been shot with a shotgun by now. Hey chicks making out, that is different. I don't think that is quite how the kiss of death is meant to work. AHHHHH BAD STING AGAIN. Okay I am getting way to into this free associaion. I don't get these combat sequences. It is like the further you get into the series the worse a shot the jailbait is. Less this episode since she has an excuse, but last time, OH NO NOT TWO GUYS. SHE HAS ONLY KILLED ROOMS FULL OF PEOPLE BEFORE. They must cloud her vision with BATTLE AURAS. Take THAT waterfall.
How will I ever beat this chick with a knife when all I have is a Five Seven, quite possibly one of the nicest pistols ever made. I will hug her and and break her knife with my ABS that is how. Or it was shot by jailbait? Whatever. WHOA THIS SHOT KEEPS MOvING AROUND LIKE I CAN'T HOLD A GUN PROPERLY. I will stab her with the broken blade of her knife. This was a good plan. It is a shame we assassins couldn't bargain with the mafia to do assassination jobs in exchange for being able to read a piece of paper, we totally had to do jobs for their opposition and get someone to steal it to use as payment. This was a good plan. Now we saw who witnessed a contract signed 300 years ago. Good value.
Episode 10
HORRIBLE STING AGAIN. Whoa, judge wears a tie AND a scarf. Way to much accessorising there. 16 year old girl in business suit, this is a good disguise. STOP USING THAT STING.
Oh yeah assume at any point a computer is used I make fun of the overexagerated mouse motions. Oh cool they have to kill Scarf and Tie, nice, I get to make fun of that more. Worried about picking up payment for someone else murdering your target what? Just lie. You are criminals, it isn't like you need to worry about it. Do you want tea? COFFEE TIN AND ESPRESSO MACHINE. Good job on the translation dudes.
Apparently the secret of te underworld NOIR THE RUTHLESS KILLER OF THE UNDERWORLD can be openly discussed in the streets with drunkards. Nice. Ooh new music. THis one sounds like it could be used in a Zelda clone. CUPCAKE CANDLE BLEW OUT. Creepy obvious assassin girl gets her head patted. GOOD DOG. At least this girl dog is not a table, better than Noein? Maybe !
Judge no longer wearing his scarf (even though it is windy). Ripped off. Going to be cock bocked of killng the judge also? Main characters are going to be PISSED. OH wait no, she is just going to be a bitch and make things hard for them. Fair enough. She should tell him to wear a scarf in the breeze as well. Will catch a cold otherwise. OOH SHE IS BATMAN. The sewer workers in Paris must be pissed at how many bullet holes there is in the walls down there. "We will wait for proper timing, that is our style." If by that you mean miss obvious opportunities to kill people without it looking like an assassination? YES! Like that time you had to kill a sick hobo and you SHOT HIM instead of just tossing him in the river he lived next to in the winter. Hooray, strings come back out to lead us up to action sequence, soon we will get the techno combat track! Aaaaand fades in wth perfect timing. We will point our guns at our target right out in the and not shoot him. Best assassins ever. I am really sad about the lack of scarf here. The standards were set and just we are not meeting them. AHHH that was the cue we were waiting for. Assassin chick to get to show off how much better she is than our heros. I BELIEVE WE HAVE ESTABLISHED A RIVAL. At least we have dropped the Storm Trooper shit and people can aim again. I will watch this guy slowly pick up a gun and shoot him after he has shot at me 4 times. Aaaaaand RIVAL WINS! Heros fail to kill the princess Judge in time. Still no scarf. Aaaaaand we have established that the Zelda Clone music is RIVAL song. More pointing guns at stuff we should be shooting. Oh cool she gets to walk away into knife range. Good job assassin guys.
I really like that they are trying with this soundtrack, but it generally ends up being a mess. I can see why they were just using a few tracks at the start, because those were their -good- songs.
Episode 11
Hey no shitty sting this opening, we just get RIVAL ZELDA MUSIC instead. I do like the part at the end that sounds like it was recorded inside a fish tank though. Kay so some dude can just find out their phone number now. These guys may be the worst worlds best assassins ever. Don't answer the phone, just stare at it. OOH Streets of Rage music, nice. You don't need to stretch out the actual exposition sequences guys. You did that fine when it was a mystery. Soldats is a silly name for the Majestic 12 if you don't want to use the Illuminati name. I will tell you about the book in 3 days time so that I can be killed before it happens even though I could tell you right now. Good job conspiracy guy. Grape yards, nice translation guys. RIVAL has a wide selection of LOLIGOTH clothes to choose from. NO wonder she dresses up in a shitty cloak all the time. When Vincent Valentine look is your best choice it is time to get a new wardrobe. OMINOUS THUNDER DECOMPRESSiNG THE SCENE MORE. Oh hey at least the bad guys are shitty at killing people in a logical manner. They know where the main characters live and their phone number even when they are secret world best assassins. So they will set up an obvious ambush at obvious ambush point instead of just mailbombing them. Good job conspiracy guy. BAM 11 episodes in and we get our first drop your magazine to the floor while reloading. I fully expect all gunplay to revert to Hollywood style now abandoning any attempts are realism.
Answering the door with no pants on is a good policy. Especially just after discussing how much danger you are in and having established the enemies know where you live. CUPS. Turn off the lights, this is a good plan. New music! I assume this is TEA DRINKING MUSIC because it is mulitplie string instruments. I don't get why they have not poisoned the tea or something. Shitty assassins. MOON.EYES.RIVAL MUSIC. Walk around the street in your pajamas. BITCH STOLE MY FORK. So apparently there was no opening to kill RIVAL with a fork even though you walked into another room where she couldn't see and we have established that you can pretty much wall hack where need. Get gun. Shoot bitch. Or better yet, when she said "Hey get your gun out if you want, it is your house" SHOOT HER.
Episode 12
New music again! RIVAL sleeps with here hair tied up in her stupid side knot thing. I can tell you from experience that sleeping with your hair tied up is a recipe for pain the next morning. Still haven't replaced that loligoth wardrobe either, so another day in VINCENT cloak. Got to clean that shit one day man.
OMINOUS SOUL PATCH GUY. He is a drugs dealler. That is Tinhead's drugs plane. LOG BRIDGE. FLOWERS. Take THAT waterfall. Holy fuck a log cabin in Europe somewhere. More people pointing guns at RIVAL and then not shooting her before she can stab things. More new music. This is also not very good, but Woodwinds is different for this soundtrack. ANGRY HIKERS. Please don't move I have to show off how SUPER COOL RIVAL I AM by killing ANGRY HIKERS. I like how the main characters haven't been in this episode yet and it is half over. "I killed them because it is my duty to kill you and to be interrupted is unacceptable" So like you couldn't have killed him sooner instead of going for a nice stroll with him? Also shitty body guards. Kill the bitch and deal with your pissed off employer later. Ahhh now I understand, it has started to rain. SHe is clearly waiting for THEATRICAL LIGHNTNING to kill him. WOW SIDE CHARACTER I DON'T CARE ABOUT DISCOVERED WHO RIVAL IS AFTER HIKING WITH HER AND KNOWING SHE CAME TO KILL HIM. Rivetting stuff. Point gun at chick with knife and do not shoot again. RIVAL has magical PLOT POWERS to make here the really bet assassin in the world. Aaaaand same thing again. One day someone will work out how these firearms things work. YOu see you have to pull the trigger. Noooooooow please please please have RIVAL be killed off out of hand. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK. God DAMMIT. We see the main character's HOUSE and there goes an entire episode with nothing but RIVAL wank.
Episode 13
Jailbait sees a picture she likes. Sooooooooo the guy painting it is going to be killed.
Jailbait stares at a sketchbook longingly until Older Chick guesses that she wants it and buys it. Jailbait says nothing during this exchange. Is she like fucking 2? Ahh I see it is a sketch book she is going to draw in with a paint brush. AHHH DON'T EAT OFF A POOL TABLE. SHoot some dudes. Take THAT waterfall. Look out! CAR. You had to dodge a car twice? Good job assassin girl, next time try getting off the road. Oh hey I see you need to gives this guy a painting, try not running on the road again. Nevermind they will uzi you instead. PARISIAN DRIVE BY SHOOTINGS YO. Aaaaaaand Painter Man is dead. Cue ACTION MUSIC, string mix this time instead of the techno one. This is the way to absolve yourself of your past, by littering, yes yes! Now go shoot somet guys, yes yes! Stare at them for a while and wait for them to aim at you first of course because that is how assassins WORK. And now we have all learned a lesson not to have friends because they get shot in drive bys in Paris and Older Chick told Jailbait the whole time in spite of Older Chick demonstrably having friends that are actually actively part of the underworld instead of just random painter men. I think we all can take something away from that. You need to make friends with CRIMINALS only. Information brokers if you can since they are totally not going to be killed.
Episode 14
Hey woodwinds again. And some dude saying the same fucking name OVER AND OVER. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick. Older chick.
OH UNCLE.
Flash backs to make us care about him. He will be dead by the end of the episode. Jailbait will probably kill him. I do not care.
A lot of pointless killing going on, cue this being OH UNCLE doing it and him having to be killed. I won't care.
Again Noir can be openly discussed in the streets. YES. OH UNCLE is going to have a contract probably.
FUCK YES. TIE AND A SCARF. Bonus points for having a VEST. Tie and scarf dies, shot by a guil silhouetted against the sun who has a hair cut that tells us it TOTALLY wasn't OH UNCLE doing it. News of this killing bothers Older chick. OH UNCLE clearling shitting where he eats, smart moves for an international super assassin. Why? OH UNCLE why? I dunno, cause he gets payed to kill people just like you do? Idiot. Oh yeah OH UNCLE looks impeccable with his coat, sweatervest, dress shirt with top button undone and knotted scarf thing which appears to be underneath the dress shirt. YOu are doing it wrong. HAHAHA I WILL LAUGH AT THE MAN POINTING A GUN AT ME. Oh wait, you killed a dude in your own home. Good move assassin man. Now take Older Chick to your home. Now tell her you are going to kill her partner. OH SHOCK OH UNCLE IS EMPLOYED BY THE BAD GUYS. I guess he will have to die! Ominous choir. Woodwinds again. OH UNCLE stares at pictures and thinks back to when he used to wear an open vest. Much worse imes than when he could wear a sweater vest. Older Chick going out to kill some dudes, Jailbait tails along. Kill some dudes together! With the power of Friendship nothing can stop you from killing your only remaining familly. Alright, rock on, kill your only familly in their own home in the city you live in. This is the perfect way to avoid suspicion with the police. Older Chick killed OH UNCLE. I expected deviation from the formla, how stupid of me.
Episode 15
Oh hey finally an assassin that at least tries to be sneaky. I am sure we will all learn a life lesson here that it never pays to be a heartless assassin that only kills for money and to always have principles when killing people for money. A door! GASP! Threaten that computer. Woooooo bad guys can't make up their mind if they want to pay them or kill them oooooorrr OBVIOUS TRAP. OMINOUS BUTTERFLY. Go to Taiwan and kill the head of the leading criminal empire, totally an elaborate plan and not an obvious way to get you killed without spending any further resources. Alternately yet another pointlessly elaborate trap. Oh yeah I also like how the pair that take up a myth name in the underworld while they are chasing another total myth. The possibility that there isn't just random people using the Soldats name to do whatever they want doesn't even come up as a possibility, but hey not an issues since it won't be what happens. Apparently the temple is a maze and rock beats gun. Good to know. Once again melee reliant assassination techniques are invincible in the face of guns. RIVAL saves the day. But XEMNAS ASSASSIN is holding Older Chick down! I guess slowly reaching for your gun is a bad idea. Short feeling episode. Guess mostly snoozefest. Nothing good to make fun of.
Episode 16
So RIVAL and Jailbait will team up to save Older Chick, I suppose this makes 2 parters another formula but I am to sick of it to analyse specifics. GAH HORRIBLE STING ONCE AGAIN. I suppose it is supposed to be SHOCK sting but it is fucking bad. Jailbait shows up to rescue before the enemy expects, so what do they do? NOT KILL OLDER CHICK. This is a good plan assassin guy. They also point guns at her and watch her walk towards them. This is also a good plan assassin guy. It isn't like you didn't just watch her kill a room full of guys. Yyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, just as expected with the gunplay. Duallies comes out now after the reckless discarding of magazines was done. RIVAL continues to save everyone's life because she is that good. No one can shoot except for Jailbait. Older Chick is fucking useless now for some reason, guess to make Jailbait and RIVAL look awesome since we have previously been informed that she is the awesome and occasionally does good things to remind us she isn't useless. Pass the fail ball it seems is the name of the game. "Were they really that tough an opponent?" Good question consider they just killed like 50 fucking guys. Good job mafia man. XEMNAS ASSASSIN failed to be a good assassin it seems. People die and the mission is over half way through the second episode. So I guess we get WEEKLY MONSTER FIGHT against XEMNAS ASSASSIN even after the job is finished. Cause fuck, why not. Whooooooaaaaaaaaa screaming baby in a "pharmacy" full of snakes. Not creepy. Ohhhh hey, she used an aerosol based poison, apparently XEMNAS ASSASSIN doesn't suck as much as previously advertised. Still Monster of the week. QUICK BE DISTRACTED BY RIVAL FOR NO GOOD REASON. Quick run into the building just in time to see RIVAL BE AWESOME in front of you again. Now point your gun at her again and do fuck all. RIVAL Zelda music plays from inside a fish tank. Fantastic, finally the great question of who Jailbat is answered by not making sense. I am glad that is resolved. Next episode lets have no plot exposition this time to make things go perfect and have to explain the entire everything in the last 2 episodes.
Episode 17
Oh hey it is another Older Chick episode, I guess she gets to be competent again. Wow, good thing someone spent time to come back to this dilapidated building to tune that piano for you OH WAIT NO THEY DIDN'T. COp that Older Chick. The first two keys are shockingly in tune though for something that is otherwise broken. Stock footage. Again. We get it, she saw her familly killed and there was a pocket watch. We have only seen it for 16 other episodes. Eventful. Go to island, play 2 notes on piano, no one wants you, go home. Good episode OH WAIT NO WE HAVE RIVAL. Clearly that means there is some upstaging to do. Guy sucks at smoking cigars and stops his third one half way through. Good job Mafia guy. Okay so we get told she needs to go find the right hand man of her father. HER PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER HOUSE GO AWAY. Only took half an episode to find out she has been wasting time. I am thrilled. QUICK EVERYONE OVERREACT WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE ANYTHING, THEY WILL SURELY LISTEN. Then hit the bar and be completely reasonable for no fucking reason. HOLY FUCK POCKET WATCH BITCHES FLIP THE FUCK OUT. Oh wow. Something people couldn't discuss in a crowded bar. No wait, it was "Discuss this tomorrow so I can be killed before I can tell you anything". Alright. Not killed before being able to tell anything. Killed after being able to reveal one plot point and then sniped. Sniped with a RIFLE of all things. Not a pistol! Also lengthy exposition after being shot twice. TECHNO FIGHT MUSIC GO. Guy shoots way to fast with a bolt action rifle when he is out of frame. DISCARD THAT MAGAZINE, yes yes! Now to kill the sniper in the cathedral where our parents died just because. RIVAL appears to upstage people. She will give you far more mysterious exposition thant anyone else this episode. RIVAL still must have that closet full of loligoth clothes since she still uses Vincent cape. We get a new song! Another mix on the pocket watch theme, yawn. So we got mysterious nothing exposition and hollow explanations for things. Older Chick gets all cut up over her parents having been in Majestic 12, BOOHOO MY PARENTS WERE PART OF A GLOBAL CONSPIRACY *TEARS* Reasonable response.
Episode 18
Leave me alone, I want to sulk by myself in this sewer. Watching people wait for the bus is exciting. Watching them not get on is even more exciting. Watching powerlines is also exciting. Serial Experiments Noir. Now I hope everyone dies on the internet and becomes a god of the internet. Walking on train tracks is a smart idea also. CUP OF COFFEE. Deliver this letter to that Jailbait in there. Totally doesn't sound like a creepy prostitute solicitation. Good job conspiracy guy. He is going to be dead before the episode ends. IT IS A PHONE. PUT IN MONEY AND DIAL BITCH. Cannot answer, busy sewer sulking. Going to have to catch a cab home. TAKE THAT PYJAMAS. Nice setup conspiracy guy. You should visit this place, everyone there is going to be dead, it rocks out pretty hard. Alright meet me at this place, I will die in front of you there and give you cryptic messages. BITCH PICK UP THE PHONE. Oh snap denied. Hang up on you IN YOUR FACE. So we have well established that this is Jailbait episode. We also have RIVAL shows up to give MORE MYSTERIOUS EXPOSITION. PICK UP THE PHONE, DON'T STARE AT IT. OH here they are going to give her the Dark Knight option. You have two places to go and be in 5 minutes, you can save your friend or get information from suicidal Soldats member. WAY TO GO RIVAL. Of course there is no possibility that Older Chick can be trusted to be capable on her own, this is not her episode, she has to be shit like a storm trooper. THAT IS RIGHT YOU STEAL THAT TOY TRUCK. Kill that old man with a toy truck. HARDCORE ASSASSIN GIRL. Wow suilcidal conspiracy man waited around for a long time considering he was going to get his dumb arse killed.
Episode 19
Alright, last episode, lets waste no time this time, we have a lot of exposition to get through. Alright, lets waste time instead by quoting scripture we have read before. Couples, lets look at couples. First plot point revealed! An old book is an old book! I am excited. Wooooo someone has a copy of an old book. Watching people fly around Europe is fun. Paris to Austria! Long flight yeah? Shorter flight than I did to part of my own state. OH wait, Paris to Vienna, this changes little but directon. Remember, Older Chick is totally going to kill your arse Jailbait. Oh hey fuck the plot line completion, we get an enemy to fight. Old bok was destroyed in a fire. EXCITING. RIVAL appears, upstaging time. OKAY MIDDLE OF THE EPISODE. The secret is that Noir was a 2 person assassin team just like they have been the entire series. Exciting. NOW FIGHT SOME PEOPLE HAVING RESOLVED THAT NOIR ARE ASSASSIN TEAM GO. Exciting. Discard magazine. Shoot wall. Shoot dudes through wall. Oh good idea, melee attack three guys when you have a gun. Jailbait kills fucking everything with Rival. Older Chick is useless once again. Exciting. NO DO NOT TELL ME THINGS LIKE I AM A PERSON WHO KILLS PEOPLE. Exciting staring at people. Someone needs to die soon or I am supremely disappointed. More staring. DEVESTATED THAT YOUR FRIEND IS SOLDATS MEMBER JUST LIKE YOU WERE CHILD OF SOLDATS AGENTS. I do not get why this is a big fucking deal. Shoot some dudes already. God dammit. This is going nowhere. This isn't a mystery it is repetition and cryptic statements that go nowhere.
EPISODE OVER. SO either there is an episode or 2 I don't have or this is over and I am bored.
Oh well, it wasn't bad, just sucks at resolution, so ultimately it really does line up well with The Professional meets SHoujo. It was cool with young people shooting people like The Professional and it was full of dead end plot that didn't do anything. Looks like I am missing an episode though. Such is life.
