Ciato’s Power Rankings
32. St. Louis Rams (0-5): -112 in points for vs. points against, with a total of 34 points scored. Are you kidding me? This team is horrendous. Their offense is anemic and their defense is hideously bad.
31. Kansas City Chiefs (0-5): The state of Missouri is cursed. Woof. Grasping defeat from the hands of victory last week against a crumbling Cowboys team, and otherwise some pretty hideous games and a completely joke of a game against Oakland. Oakland gets the nod here for winning, but not much of a nod.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5): They have a QB problem is the big thing. Josh Johnson seems to be filling the role of rookie QB well enough, but this team really needs to gel a bit before they are going to have success. On my part I feel vindicated because I am a Jon Gruden fangirl. The Bucs have been the whipping boys of the other bad teams of the league, which is a bad sign.
29. Oakland Raiders (1-4): They were really good in their first game versus the Chargers, which I watched. They basically let the game go in the fourth quarter and outplayed Chargers pretty hardcore in the first three. 47.1 QB rating for JaMarcus Russell. This is just… beyond bad. Wow.
28. Buffalo Bills (1-4): I didn’t realize this before, but holy crap the Bills are bad. I find that being competitive toward the Patriots is something, but at the same time, I lean more toward that being a rivalry thing which makes most games closer. Their only win is against the Bucs, and they have looked pretty hideous otherwise. Lost an epic slapfight with Cleveland. Hilariously.
27. Washington Redskins (2-3): The only team in NFL history who has played six winless teams in a row (okay, the NY Giants is sort of cheating, but still!), and yet they are 2-3 (pending KC game). The two teams they beat are the Bucs and the Rams, who are a bad joke, and they had to dig in to beat both of them. Xorn, you are terrible. Get fired plz.
26. Cleveland Browns (1-4): In an incredibly hideous laughfest, the Browns get their first win with their quarterback going 2-17. Are you KIDDING me? He threw half as many interceptions as completed passes. And they still won. This team is a joke. Also seems like when their players go to other teams they magically become better. Cleveland is a black hole for young players.
25. Tennessee Titans (0-5): Despite their record, they seem clearly better than all the teams above this. While the teams with higher winning percentages have had the chance to scavenge wins from even more hideous, pathetic teams, Tennessee has had a pretty rough schedule. The one big point against them is that grotesque loss to Jacksonville. They’ve gotten less competitive in the last couple of weeks for sure, but their schedule gets more cupcakey.
24. Carolina Panthers (1-4): This team is really mediocre, but has played some higher caliber teams than the previously mentioned teams. I think a better feel of this team is needed, I haven’t watched them yet and none of their losses stand out as hideously bad.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3): Pretty much even with Detroit, but since this is for specifically this week of football, and they got MANHANDLED by the Seahawks. Both teams are competitive with good opponents, but Detroit was this week.
22. Detroit Lions (1-4): This 0-16 is just so much better this year. I watched a good portion of a couple of their games (for whatever reason, a Detroit network comes in here on Sundays sometimes). They looked really good against the Steelers, for all that it was too little too late in that case. The very eeeeeek loss to the Bears stands out to me as terrible.
21. Houston Texans (2-3): The Texans are kind of boring. Beat bad teams, lose to good teams. They are pretty straightforward in the mediocre department. They definitely don’t seem to have the same rhythm as a couple other teams slightly above them, which is why I give the downward nod.
20. Seattle Seahawks (2-3): Aside from the SPANKING they gave the Jaguars, this team is sort of bad. I debated between them and the Dolphins, but in the end, they do have a game in common, and the Dolphins were actually competitive in it.
19. Dallas Cowboys (3-2): This team is a trainwreck waiting to happen. I’ve seen a couple of their games and they are pretty mediocre. That Chiefs game was painful like stabbing yourself in the eye with an ice pick. Better than the Bills vs. Browns at least.
18. Arizona Cardinals (2-2): I’m not sure between Seattle and Arizona, but I think that shall be decided this weekend.
17. Miami Dolphins (2-3): I’m not quite as impressed with their wins as some of the other teams, but their losses are also not too impactful.
16. San Diego Chargers (2-2): I dunno. This is not an impressive team at all to me, I watched team play the Raiders and it was ugly. Otherwise they have bent over and took it from the AFC North and beat a pretty mediocre Dolphins team.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2): This ain’t last year’s champs, bro. They have had some really fun close games. Tennessee vs. Pitt was fabulous.
14. San Francisco 49ers (3-2): They are pretty good at feasting on their pretty crappy division but they were downright horrendous last week. I’d know, as I started their fantasy football defense. I love Mike Singletary and I am ROOTING for this team.
13. Chicago Bears (3-1): I feel like the overall quality of their schedule thus far is quite a bit lower than the Packers’, and I think that people overestimating the Steelers’ quality this season is why this point is overlooked.
12. Green Bay Packers (2-2): Both of their losses are against really solid teams, and they beat the Bears. I find this team potentially concerning because half of the Rams’ points this season are against them, and their offensive line is pretty hideous. Still, I feel like they have proven more than the Bears despite the worse record.
11. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1): Despite their record, they have proven basically nothing as a team. They have whipped up on three bad teams and got owned in the face by New Orleans. This rating is in progress.
10. New York Jets (3-2): Their one big win against New England was nice for them, but they’ve come out flat and lost two in a row. New England really felt like they had to win it after all that trash talk…
9. Baltimore Ravens (3-2): A double-whammy of pretty ugly, slugging-it-out losses. It’s a really big disappointment for the Ravens to lose both of those. I still think they are good, but they’ve definitely been exposed. They get the nod over the Jets because they have played more solid football overall.
8. New England Patriots (3-2): This is a solid team that lost in a heartbreaker to the Broncos. Fuck the NFL’s overtime rules.
7. Atlanta Falcons (3-1): They gave a good ol’ fashioned asswhipping to the Niners, proving that even the best in the West is still not great. Ryan seems to lack sophomore slump.
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-1): Should be 5-0. Screw the Broncos. Lucky bastards. I’m tempted to put the Bengals above the Broncos anyway because they’ve been hell impressive, but I can’t do it in a good conscience since I know I hate the Broncos.
5. Denver Broncos (5-0): *sulk*
4. New Orleans Saints (5-0): This team has a great defense and the passing game is hax thanks to the underappreciated man of the hour, but their running game is pretty embarrassing. If they could get that in motion I think they’d be #1.
3. Minnesota Vikings (5-0): What a hellicious team. Their offense seems to be running on all cylinders, they have Brett Favre playing like Brett Favre again, Percy Harvin is quite the rookie stud even if he’s a punk, and of course AD. A non-anemic passing game + AD is beautiful offensively. Their defense is nice too --- how many times did they sack Aaron Rodgers again? Fuck the Vikings.
2. New York Giants (5-0): MANNINGS. Great defense. Largest points for vs. against stat at +80. Pretty bad competition overall but yeaaah.
.
1. Indianapolis Colts (5-0): MANNINGS. Peyton is a player of beauty. Colts are just dominant.
