Darksiders Abridged: Episode 3: Horsemen Ride No Trains!
Narrator: When we last left our hero protagonist, he...
War: *Stabs Narrator in the face*
Narrator: GEEZ WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
War: I'm fucking War, does it LOOK like I need an excuse for arbitrary violence for the sake of it?
Narrator: YOU'RE A PRICK!
War: Thank you.
Watcher: So, why aren't we taking that heart to Samael again?
War: Huh? *said while currently ripping out the spine of a zombie*
Watcher: You know, to advance the plot so you can achieve...whatever it is you set out to do?
War: Oh, right, that! Lets try that underground thing Vulgrim taught us about.
*Warps to some area which is all surreal and nonsense*
War: ...ok, no, I was definitely NOT in this place before, what gives?
Watcher: I think we have to walk from one side to the other to actually warp to our destination. You know, needless reason to drag out gameplay only so the artists have more of a job?
War: That just means less fodder to slice in half, doesn't it?
Watcher: Yes, yes it does.
*War reaches the other side*
Samael: Ah, you made it!
War: How'd you know I'd come out here?
Samael: Huh? Me? Oh, I'm just good at second guessing *hides the game's script*
War: Here's what you need, the heart of Tiamat...and its still beating.
Samael: Ah, good! Now, next off is THE GRIEVER
War: And where do I find "Griever"
Samael: NO! Its "THE" Griever!
War: OK, how do I find that prick?
Samael: You he's in the subway. But first you must do me a favor and kick Ulthane's ass.
War: THAT WASN'T PART OF THE BARGAIN!
Samael: Listen! By doing so you'll gain super strength and be able to actually reach the Griever.
War: Why didn't you say that in the first place?
Samael: Cause I don't like doing you any favors.
War: IOWs...you're an ass?
Samael: Strong words from someone whose about to hit a defenseless crow with a car for no particular reason.
War: *War is doing exactly that* Did you say something?
Watcher: Look, he's not gonna do things cause you tell him to! He's got a job to do!
Samael: GET AWAY! *Bitchslaps the watcher away* WAR! YOU ARE BUT A PUPPET ON THE COUNCIL'S STRINGS! DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS LITTLE FREAK!
War: Hm, what was that? *is about to hit another crow with a parking meter*
Samael: You have far greater power than the Council lets you know! But this little freak here is helping them restrict it! CUT THOSE BONDS NOW!
War: Well, no shit; the game kind of started with me losing these powers and last I checked, Amnesia was not part of my character...
Watcher: I'M PROTECTED BY THE COUNCIL! HURT ME AND YOU'LL CEASE TO EXIST!
Samael: DO IT! And you'll become a threat to the Destroyer!!!
War: Do what?
Samael: Get rid of him! WITH FULL ANGER!
War: Something related to violence? I'm game! *Attacks the Watcher in FULL RAGE!!! and gains super powers, the Watcher is fine*
Samael: THERE we go! Now that you have this, go find Ulthane and get THE BLACK HAMMER!
War: Gotcha.
Watcher: Wait, I'm still alive?
Samael: Depends on your definition of alive. Some might say you were never alive to begin with since you are part...
Watcher: Look, if this is gonna be a philosophical discussion, then we're taking our leave.
Samael: Fine, be that way!
*War proceeds onward through absolutely nothing special until...*
War: A green area with waterfall, blue skies, and...filled with life? What madness is this in a post apocalyptic utopia?!?!
Watcher: You do realize everything you just said contradicted itself, right.
War: Either way, this place is all green, THERE MUST BE A WAY TO FIX THIS!
Watcher: Why not just find Ulthane and kick his ass?
War: But I want to set this place on fire!
Watcher: Look, why not get this Griever nonsense out of the way first, then if we have time afterwords, you can set this area on fire.
War: Yay!
*They come across another Gate Guardian*
War: ...WAKE UP DAMN IT!!!!
Gate Guardian: I'm cursed too, you know.
War: ...*sigh* Does that mean...
Gate Guardian: Yes, yes it does.
Watcher: Oh fun! We get to do 4 more rooms of uselessness.
War: The only good thing about this is it means I get to kill more stuff, I suppose.
*Room #1*
Tutorial: USE WAR'S NEW CHAOS FORM TO KILL ENEMIES IN THIS ROOM BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT!
War: Wait, you mean I can't kill anything unless I'm in super form? What kind of bullshit is-...
Random Female Voice Totally Not In This Game: May The Rage Of the Council Fill Your Blades, War!
War: Wow, that was a lot faster than I expected, take that Kratos!
*beats the shit out of the room*
Watcher: That was quite amusing! Lets do it again!
War: No. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't comment after every single room!
Watcher: Bah, you're no fun.
*Room #2*
Tutorial: KILL EVERYTHING USING NOTHING BUT COUNTERS!
War: So I have to block and attack? *sigh* Whatever happened to good old "Slice things til they die"?
Watcher: No one ever said this would be fun.
*Room #3*
Tutorial: KILL THINGS USING OBJECTS ON THE GROUND! YES, CARS WILL RANDOMLY SPAWN AS THEY ARE DESTORYED!
War: Now THAT'S more like it! *Throws cars at everything in the room*
*Room #4*
Tutorial: MAKE SURE AT LEAST ONE SKELETON KNIGHT SURVIVES THE END OF THIS! YES, YOU'RE FIGHTING WITH THE UNDEAD AGAINST DEMONS. JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT! HERE, WE'LL EVEN TURN ON INTELLIGENT FRIENDLY FIRE!
War: ...oh, that explains why nothing is happening to the 5 Skeletons I DON'T want to protect when I slice them...
Watcher: Well, at least the rooms are done.
Gate Guardian: Good, now this useless gameplay stalling is over, you can continue with the plot.
War: ...plot?
Watcher: You know, where you beat up huge demons for their hearts?
War: ...I thought that was just business...
*War comes across a big hammer stuck in the ground, tries to pull it out, fails*
Big Scottish Ogre Thing: I believe you are trespassing on my turf.
War: Ulthane...
Ulthane: Ah, so ye've heard of me.
War: Give me the Black Hammer and I'll kick your ass.
Ulthane: DOn't ye mean "or".
War: No, I don't.
Ulthane: Well, there are two. One is that in the ground there, and the other...is me! I assure ye, the one in the ground is the easier.
War: IOWs, this is a prelude to a boss fight.
Ulthane: Ye're catching on!
*Boss fight ensues*
War: Take this! *Sword tinks on Ulthane*
Ulthane: Ye're throwing glass at stone, my boy!
War: Throw? Try this! *picks up an out of place car and throws it at Ulthane, nothing happens*
Ulthane: It'll take more than a car to harm me! ...and no, don't take that to mean "Multiple will work".
War: *holding two cars* ...well, there goes THAT plan *puts cars down*
Uriel: ITS WAR! KILL HIM FOR WHAT HE DID TO ABADDON!
Angel Red Shirt: Um, why?
Uriel: Cause...umm...we can't get back into the White City until he's dead?
Angel Red Shirt: Oh, cool! DIE WAR *gets hit by Ulthane's hammer and dies horribly*
Ulthane: Me and the boy were having a talk here, how dare ye interrupt us!
War: We could still beat the stuffing out of each other you know.
Ulthane: How about this, we have a little challenge. Lets see who kills more of these pigeons by the time we reach The Griever's lair, and we'll decide whose better. I'll even open doors for ye!
War: ...fine.
*The two form an alliance, and beat the shit out of angels for a while, aiding each other with puzzles, door openings, what have you*
War: Ok, Angels, stop being so bor-*giant laser comes out of nowhere*
Angel with a Cannon: HA! BEHOLD OUR LATEST WEAPON: THE ANGEL PARTICLE BE-*Gets his arm sliced off by War* HOLY MOTHER OF BOB!
War: Thanks for your gun. I shall call this...REDEMPTION!
Watcher: You do realize you're going to lose that gun when this sequence is over, and this is just a gimmick section for the most part like that Griffon one...
War: ...shut up! *says this while frying angels with said weapon*
Ulthane: Good, looks like ye have the pigeons believing who ye are...BUT I STILL DON'T!
War: I am who I say I am!
Ulthane: BUt ye didn't say who you were!
War: Irrelevant!
Ulthane: Well, now ye know what I have to deal with. God damn tourist angels won't stay out of my garden! Go beat up the Griever, and I'll believe who ye are.
War: Did you just totally change what you were talking about in the middle of your own line?
Ulthane: Ye got a problem with that? Now get going to the subway, "hoseman"
War: Fine!
*in the subway*
War: You know, it occurred to me. Everyone keeps calling me a "Horseman" but why the fuck do I NOT have a horse? That thing would be useful for traveling around and killing things faster.
Watcher: Is all you can do when you're not needlessly killing something is whine about it?
War: Hey, I can totally do...uhh...
*The Griever appears*
Watcher: How convenient, the Boss appears at the beginning of the dungeon.
War: This will be over in a *The Griever runs away after being blasted by a Redemption a few times* ...nuts...
Watcher: Well, get to it! We got a long oversized dungeon to go through.
War: I know, I know.
*Several rooms of annoying Bomb Puzzles, enemies spawning, swimming, what have you later*
War: Ok, this weird face thing better give me something cool...
*War gains Falcon Punch Tremor Fist*
War: Sweet! My 3rd Melee weapon! Now, where's an enemy to punch in the face.
Random Demon: RAR! I AM A GUY WHO IS TOTALLY NOT A MINI BOSS! FEAR ME!
*War Punches him in the face a few times*
Random Demon: Blarghle! *it dies*
War: Oh look, I can break crystals now with my fist! Finally, those damned things were getting annoying. Mock me with their shininess will they! WELL, WHOSE SHINY NOW!?
Watcher: ...they are...
*a few rooms later*
War: Ok, so I've been fighting a lot of the same nonsense here, there better be something new in this...wait, THIS IS THE FIRST ROOM OF THE DUNGEON! God damn circular dungeon-...
*Room locks itself*
War: ...ok, that definitely didn't happen before.
Angelic Demon: HORSEMAN! LETS DANCE SHALL WE!
War: Are you an Angel or a Demon?
Angelic Demon: What!?
War: Its exactly what I said! I mean, it doesn't really matter, but I like to keep track of how many of what I've killed.
Angelic Demon: DIE!!!!!!!
*War rips the illogical being in half with his fists*
War: ...so how do I tally that one up?
Watcher: Just put a Question mark and move on.
*Next room*
War: You know, for a subway, there's a distinct lack of trains here.
*War comes across a train related puzzle*
War: ...don't say a freaking word, Watcher.
Watcher: What made you think I was?
War: Cause you have a comment on EVERYTHING provided there's not another person for me to talk too.
Watcher: Oh just finish the puzzle already.
*The Griever attempts to stab War in the middle of a random tunnel*
War: ...seriously, Devs, is that your idea of a puzzle? I mean, I get it you're trying to selling the setting or something, but come on, this is just trivial. Anyone with half a brain would know "Don't walk to fast, wait for the stab, stay out of the shining light cause he'll probably strike again there."
Watcher: You put too much thought into that complaint.
War: This dungeon has given me plenty of time and inspiration to complain.
*A bunch of more stupid puzzles later that are not worth mentioning*
War: A big ominous corridor with two trains...well, there's nothing that can go-...
*The Griever grabs one of those trains completely out of nowhere*
War: ...I see how it is. *Throws the other train, the Griever does the exact same thing* Like you'd shove a block pushing style puzzle here and pretend I'd have to ignore it.
*next room*
War: Another Ominous room with a train and crystals...this one is wide and open...welp, I guess I hit a dead-...
*The Griever appears down and starts firing lasers at War*
War: Damn it, where's my Redemption? Also, what ever happened to a plot confrontation scene like Tiamat had?
Watcher: I don't think she can talk...
War: ...personalitiless bitch, HAVE AT *gets blasted by a laser* OW!
Watcher: Why not throw that train at him.
War: There's crystals in the way and...wait, right, I CAN SMASH THOSE NOW! *does that, but the Griever fries crystals turning them red, War punches a red crystal, burning his hand* OW! Bitch, what am I suppose to do now?
Watcher: Wait for the Crystal to cool down, then punch it while she's NOT firing lasers?
War: ...I knew that...
*Crystal smashing done*
War: EAT TRAIN BITCH! *Hits Griever in the foot with a train, she goes ballistic smacking into the tunnel dropping spikse on him*
War: How...ouch...the...ICK...hell...ARGH!...am I...OOF...suppose...MRF...to know...BLARGH...where these things...OW...will FALL!?
Watcher: Why not try BLOCKING them next time?
War: Why the fuck will that work?
Watcher: You haven't tried it have you?
War: Pfft, fine!
*War throws the Train back at The Griever, smashes her crystal guarding her heart, then more stuff falling*
War: Ok, so you want me to block? FINE I'LL BLOCK! *War blocks all the hits successfully by just standing there and guarding* ...I hate it when you're right...
Watcher: SEe!? YOU DO NEED ME!
*repeat strategy over again for a while, replacing Crystal Smashing with Sword Slashing the heart*
War: Ok, I win! TIME FOR AN OVERLY EPIC KILL ANIMATION!
*War slices Griever's arm off, slams the train into her face 5 times...then once more just for good luck, takes heart out*
Watcher: TWo down! Well, it seems...WAIT! I haven't finished talking! Don't go into that tele-*War does exactly that* ...porter...
*Outside, Ulthane is busy making something, HUGE HAMMER COMES FLYING AT HIM*
Ulthane: Ah, so ye've returned, with The Griever beaten, Horseman.
War: What are you doing here?
Ulthane: That's a pretty odd thing for YE to ask since I LIVE HERE.
War: Irrelevant! Answer my question.
Ulthane: How about I give ye this nice handy gun instead. I made it, but its too small for me, thus useless.
War: ANSWER ME! *holds Gun to Ulthane's face*
Ulthane: Ye really think a little gun like that is going to hurt me, despite how I kind took a car head on and LAUGHED?
War: ...
Ulthane: I helped ye, that's all there is too it. Now, my backstory is irrelevant and ye can get on with the story.
War: Fine, but I'll be wanting answers eventually!
New Narrator: Will War get the answers he needs? Will Samael get the heart of The Griever? Will I be able to finish this without War notic...
*New Narrator is hit with a car*
War: I hate people who talk too much.