Darksiders: Zelda style game with gameplay akin to God of War so far! Except seems to lessen the shit I don't like about God of War, like mobility being better (especially the dodge), Quicktime event related kills are just "press button when enemy is near dead, game does the rest of shit for you" and none of this "Press 3 more buttons without fail or we kill you" nonsense and plot...well...LETS ABRIDGE SERIES IT!
Narrator: In the beginning, Angels and Demons were beating the shit out of each other. AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER THEY DID. Then the COUNCIL!!! said "Shut up both of you and to your corners!" ...then humans were created, so a 3rd kingdom was born, but humans are weaklings. Angels and Demons made a truce not to attack until the Apocalypse, with the FOUR HORSEMEN being there to keep the BALANCE IN CHECK, by the COUNCIL's orders...and they'd leave humans alone. And the APocalypse won't occur until the 7 SEALS ARE BROKEN! BUt its not like THAT will ever happen, right?
*Modern Day*
Billboard Guy: Meteors are hitting across the country! I sure hope this isn't an omen!
*Meteors destroy city, demons start killing everyone, Angels appear, start fighting demons causing huge collateral damage, not giving a shit if humans are dying in the process*
Useless Humans: OH NOES WE'RE BEING KILLED!
*BIG OMINOUS METEOR appears*
War: Ok, bad ass hero here...wait, why do I look like shit? I am so killing whoever the artist of this game is when this is up.
Demons: RARR! WAR IS HERE! KILL HIM!
*War kicks their asses...effortlessly...*
War: Demons running amok, Angels flying around in high tech armor just cause they need to look remotely cool for once, instead of like pansies...yeah, its the Apocalypse alright! Now to kick som-...BLARGH!
*War loses some of his powers, and like 2 bars of health*
War: What the fuck is that? Screw it, I'm still powerful enough to kick ass.
Angel: HE'S NOT AS POWERFUL AS HE WAS BEFORE! KILL WAR!
*War throws a Car at the angel*
Angel: Stupid...gameplay....mechanics...being in his favor *dies*
*Numerous angels and demons getting their shit ruined by War later*
Female Angel: Look, Abaddon, ITS WAR!
Abaddon: What are you talking about Uriel? *looks* What are YOU doing here, Horseman? THE SEALS HAVEN'T BEEN BROKEN!
War: WHERE ARE MY BROTHERS!? Why am I the only one here?
Abaddon: WHY ARE YOU HERE!?
War: ...is this not the Apocalypse? Why is there a full scale battle between Angels and Demons then? YOU KNOW SOMETHING!
Uriel: Don't listen to him, Abaddon! We must worry about THE DESTROYER!
Destroyer: *large freaking hand grabs Abaddon out of nowhere, seemingly crushing him* Yes, WORRY ABOUT ME INSTEAD! Also, I am TOTALLY not a euphemism for SATAN!
War: ...yeah, I don't know how "Destroyer" can be taken as a Euphemism myself.
Destroyer: Good, now that we're on the same page, I will now...KILL YOU!
*War throws a car at the Destroyer*
Destroyer: ARGH! THAT HURT! But it'll take more than one Car to beat me *gets hit by another* STOP THAT!
War: Ok *Stabs the Destroyer in the face*
Destroyer: Grah! This gimmick fight won't last much longer, and I will totally beat you in plot!
War: Yeah, like that's going to happen. I'm the bad ass Main *War loses the rest of his powers* ...shit...
Destroyer: VICTORY IS MINE! *crushes War*
*in some other realm not ours*
Council: War, what the hell is wrong with you? WHY WERE YOU DOWN THERE? YOU WEREN'T SUMMONED!
War: Yes I was. Why the fuck else would I go down there?
Council: You totally weren't summoned!
War: How the hell do you know that?
Council: Well, explain where the other 3 are?
War: If I knew, I wouldn't be in this mess. But Abaddon, HE KNOWS SOMETHING! If only I could go back there and settle things straight.
Council: How do you expect to make up for your misdoings?
War: ...I just told you. I'm gonna go down there, beat the shit out of both sides til they start listening. The DESTROYER is up to something, Abaddon knows stuff...look, its not every day that a battle that is identical to the Apocalypse goes on, but its not ACTUALLY the Apocalypse.
Council: AND WHAT IF YOU FAIL!?
War: Well, I'll sort of, you know, DIE AT THE HANDS OF ONE OF THEM? I think that's justifiable punishment for "screwing things up" (this is totally not my fault by the way.)
Council: FINE! That works too, but we will send to you this WATCHER to make sure you aren't really fucking things up.
War: Why the hell would I side with either of them? The demons are just generic dicks, and Angels are over-self righteous pricks who are just as corrupt as demons, only they're prettier.
Watcher: Oh stop your whining, and just get your weapons ready so we can go.
War: Fine, fine.
Council: Also, seek out VULGRIM THE DEMON MERCHANT. He will prove helpful to you!
War: Wait, why are we siding with the demons? I thought we were suppose to be totally neutral.
Council: Well, you see, this guy sort of always wanted to make deals with us but we kept neglecting him, but recent events permitting, we decided it wouldn't be a bad thing. He doesn't exactly side with the Destroyer or anything.
War: I...see...well then, I'm off!
*Back on Earth*
War: There's something...different about me.
Watcher: Maybe its that you're a weakling now whose stuck on the Council's leash and we could just kill you anytime they want if they're big enough dicks? Oh, don't worry about me, I'm just here to report shit in case you DO go against your orders, I'm not actually going to help you or anything.
War: Whatever...oh look, how convenient, LOW CLASS DEMONS!
*beats them up, gets to top of tower*
War: How long have I been talking to the council?
Watcher: Oh, just 100 years...and there are no more humans by the way, they kind of died off within that time period.
War: Then the 3RD KINGDOM IS LOST!
Watcher: Are you done with the drama?
War: Yes, yes I am, off to find Vulgrim!
*some traversing later*
Watcher: I believe we've found who we are looking for.
War: Who? That weird masked guy over there? Well if you say so.
Vulgrim: WELCOME STRANGER!
War: Uh, hi.
Vulgrim: I got a selection of GOOD THINGS ON SALE, Stranger.
War: I see...
Vulgrim: WHADDYA BUYIN?
War: I'd like information on how to beat up the Destroyer. I'll give you these Blue Souls as payment.
Vulgrim: Ah, I'll buy it at a high price!
Watcher: What he means to say is "Go find Samael. He hates the Destroyer too and use to be as strong as him! Also, take this horn."
War: Right, off to find Samael it is!
Vulgrim: Come back anytime!
War: So, what am I suppose to do next then?
Watcher: Try blowing that horn at that door with a symbol on it conveniently located right where that yellow marker on your map is.
War: Ok *does exactly that*
Gatekeeper: WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER!?
War: I do, I want to get in.
Gatekeeper: YOUR REASON!?
War: To kick the crap out of the Destroyer eventually, I guess.
Gatekeeper: ...ok, later. *Gatekeeper walks off*
War: That was depressingly easy; not even a half assed boss fight?
Watcher: Don't worry, one of those will happen soon?
War: Oh?
Phantom General: *insert incomprehensible language here*
War: ...look, I understand demon speak, so you're not exactly hiding anything from me and I KNOW you know English, so we can please speak like that so we both don't sound like idiots?
Phantom General: Fine, fine, ruin my evil charisma while don't you.
War: Its why I'm here!
Phantom General: I thought you were here to kick the crap out of my warriors and free Samael.
War: Well, that too...wait, those were warriors? I thought they were Salesmen!
Phantom General: YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT INSUL-*ass kicked by War* blargh!
War: God damn it, I'M NOT BUYING ANYTHING. Fucking Salesmen.
Watcher: You just dealt with Vulgrim you know.
War: Yeah, but he actually had a name, so that's totally different.
Watcher: Oh complete this darn puzzle and just talk to Samael already.
War: Huh? Do what now? *War is spilling blood into a random symbol via odd statues*
Watcher: ...nevermind.
*Samael comes out*
Samael: WHAT DO YOU WANT, HORSEMAN!?
War: Your...help?
Samael: ...no.
War: Please?
Samael: Ok.
War: Wait, seriously?
Samael: I was just testing your manners! I am not as strong as I use to be, GO BRING ME THE BEATING HEARTS OF THESE 4 DEMON LORDS HOWEVER AND WE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP THE DESTROYER! Your first one will be that bat bitch Tiamat.
War: I thought Tiamat is traditionally a dragon.
Samael: BAT. BITCH. NOW GO! Oh yeah, take these wings that are totally NOT a rip off of God of War 2's Icarus Wings.
War: Right, so where's my next destination?
Watcher: According to our map...a lava cave followed by a large graveyard.
War: ...wonderful...
*After going through that*
Watcher: Oh look, another Gatekeeper.
War: Yo, Gatekeeper, let me through! I'm gonna beat the Destroyer.
Gatekeeper: A CURSE HOLDS ME HERE!
War: Ah nuts, this is just a convenient excuse to introduce another gameplay factor before I can enter, isn't it?
Gatekeeper: Yes, yes it is.
Narrator: ...no, I REFUSE to do a "Next time" stunt here. You can all shut up and leave.
Watcher: Well, you're certainly in a good mood.