Yeah, Luca was the legit child. He openly says to Jilia in game "Why are you sad? He's not your real dad anyway!" or something along those lines when Agares (or whatever his name is) dies.
That said...
Resident Evil 5: No, didn't buy the game, just realized there was a demo and figured it'd be enough to say "Should I sink money into this?"
...wow, I can already see the problems relative to RE4. The controls are so unintuitive, for starters. RE4's took some getting use to, but that was more just "New system" type scenario. The buttons themselves made sense once you adjusted to the game, which you could do pretty easily, and getting use to the sensitivity, etc.
RE5, I still couldn't remember which was shoot, which was knife, which was "Action" etc. It lead to a lot of accidental fuck ups that didn't occur in RE4. Also, the inventory change on the spot is annoying; I don't care if it makes things "more intense", if you're gonna have on the fly equipment swapping, do it Mega Man style or something, not "Scroll through inventory while enemies kill you." Also, having "Equip" above "Use" for Healing items is incredibly stupid.
The partner thing just adds complexity that we don't need, leading to "Wait! I wanted that item, I didn't want to use the assist button there!"
...yeah, this convinced me to not spend money on it, glad I tried to the demo first! If someone lends me the game, maybe I'll play, but I can definitely see its worse than RE4. I know, just a demo, but RE4 didn't give me negative vibes when I played that demo; didn't interest me, no, but the demo didn't show off anything particularly WRONG. RE5...does...especially compared to RE4.
That said...
Darksiders:
Narrator: When we last left our hero...
War: ...don't call me that...
Narrator: FINE. When we last left our DICKISH JERK OF A MAIN CHARACTER...who still looks like a saint compared to Kratos...
War: Thank you.
Narrator: He was going to do some gimmick nonsense to release a Gate Guard from his curse.
War: So I have to go to these 4 marked locations on this map while this red hue is covering the screen, and do stuff there?
Watcher: That would appear to be our current goal.
War: I smell cheap means to force out more gameplay, but lets get this over with.
*First room*
Tutorial: WAR CAN KILL ENEMIES WITH AN AERIAL COMBO IN THE SAME EXACT WAY AS GOD OF WAR, BUT HE'LL HANDLE LIKE DEVIL MAY CRY 4'S NERO! KILL 5 ENEMIES IN THE AIR BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT!
Watcher: Oh fun, you get to fight in a cheap rip off of Devil May Cry Secret Missions, aren't you the lucky one?
War: Wait, I can beat the shit out of them as much as I want on the ground, so long as the last hit is in the air?
Tutorial: Uh...I guess?
War: ...*does exactly that, passes*
Tutorial: Stupid loopholes!
Watcher: That looked pretty fun, we should do it again sometime!
War: No.
Watcher: Why not?
War: You're just sitting on the side lines eating your Demonic Popcorn, while I'm doing all the hard work. Anyway, onto the other three, I hope they're...
Tutorial: YOU CAN KILL ENEMIES WITH THE AUTO FUCK YOU BUTTON IF THEY'RE WEAK! STRONGER ENEMIES WHICH IS 90% OF THE OTHER STUFF IN THIS GAME MUST BE STUNNED FIRST! KILL 50 ENEMIES WITH THE FUCK YOU BUTTON BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT!
War: ...so its just like God of War?
Tutorial: No! Its NOTHING like God of War!
War: How so?
Tutorial: ...you don't have to quick time event once the enemy is in "you kill them" now stance...
War: ...well, I guess that's SOMETHING.
*War succeeds*
Watcher: You're getting pretty good at this!
War: All it is was "Press one button at right time".
*next area*
Tutorial: I HAVE NOTHING USEFUL TO SAY! JUST KILL A BUNCH OF GUYS BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT!
War: Ok...and shut up Watcher, you are not to say anything after I succeed.
Watcher: You're not fun.
*next area*
Tutorial: THIS AREA IS COMPLETELY UNORIGINAL! JUST BEAT UP MORE GUYS!
War: *Sigh, he succeeds* Ok, back to the Guardian...
Guardian: I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!! *Walks away*
Watcher: How anticlimactic...
*War travels onward through a destroyed highway and city and such, some Vulgrim talking may or may not have been applied here*
War: Man, this high ways sucks; nothing but generic weaklings and...
*Large demons appears out of nowhere from opposite side of highway, throws a car at War*
War: ...oh you have GOD to be kidding me.
Large Demon: BLAAARGH!!!!
War: A miniboss, how predictable...
*War wins, proceeds onward*
War: Hmm...there is vile self-righteous pricks afoot...
Watcher: What do you mean?
*War points up to a bunch of angels flying around*
Uriel: Ok, HELL GUARD, have you found anything?
Angel Guy #1: Bunch of demon!
Uriel: ...ok, have you found anything USEFUL, like how we can get to the destroyer?
Angel Guy #2: Umm...not really...say, how many of us are still alive anyway?
Uriel: As many as the plot requires. Anyway...wait, I smell something...not of the WHITE CITY or the BLACK DEPTHS...
Angel Guy #1: Its clearly one of the Horsemen, I mean DUH.
Uriel: NO! It can't be that...BUT WE WILL FIND IT ANYWAY!
War: FUCK! They're onto me! Better do something big and actiony to get away...
Watcher: Wouldn't stealth be a better idea?
War: Pfft, stealth is for pussies! I'm FUCKING WAR!
*War proceeds to jump through a window, tackling an Angel flying on an Angelic Griffon, throws said Angel off the Griffon, uses the Griffon as a new mount*
War: HA! Now I can FLY to Tiamat's lair! I don't know how to fly this thing, so we'll just let this be a stupid gameplay gimmick section akin to that Pegasus Mode in God of War 2 spliced with Devil May Cry 1's Shooter section! ...wait, did I just say...FUCK!!!
*cue boring ass gimmick section that's exactly as mentioned above, lots of Angels and Demons die*
War: God damn, is this thing over ye-...
*Tiamat tackles War and the Griffon, knocking him to the ground, conveniently just in front of the dungeon where she is*
Watcher: AH! I see Tiamat isn't being very welcoming of visitors today, I see...
War: Do you...exist to do anything but have snide sarcasm and random "Over here" statements?
Watcher: Would you prefer a little blue fairy that reprimands you if you take 5 seconds to do a 6 second job?
War: ...right, on with the sarcasm!
Watcher: Oh, right, anytime THIS symbol appears, you can call me for random assistance.
War: Do I ever have to listen your advice?
Watcher: Technically...no...
War: Good, now to the dungeon!
*in the dungeon, War finds a COOL CRYSTAL SWORD*
War: New weapon already? And there's no strings attached? Cool! And it shines, so clearly it must be awesome!
Tutorial: THIS SWORD MUST BE GIVEN TO RANDOM STATUES TO OPEN UP DOORS! WAR WILL WIELD IT BEFORE THEN! NO IT IS IDENTICAL TO HIS CHAOSEATER BEFORE THEN SO THIS IS LITERALLY JUST A GLORIFIED KEY!
War: ...god damn it...
*War does that, nothing interesting proceeds to happen afterwords*
War: OH COME ON, this is the first real dungeon in the game, SOMETHING interesting should happen...
Tutorial: BOMB ROCKS CAN BE THROWN AT LARGE OTHER ROCKS AND EXPLODE! JUST DON'T HOLD ONTO THEM FOR TOO LONG!
War: ...I guess that's something...though, this almost feels like I've seen it somewhere else...
Watcher: *coughORCARINAOFTIMEBOMBFLOWERScough*
War: You say something?
Watcher: As a matter of fact I did, but you probably don't care.
War: You're learning! Oh look, another one of those Crystal Sword Key thi-...
*Large plant devours War, Quick TIme Event related escape*
War: What the fuck was that? Seriously...I can't even classify what the hell just happened...
Watcher: Oh just blow it up...
War: Hey, that's a great idea!
*Bomb Rocks it, grabs Sword*
War: You know, this dungeon feels like its missing something...but I can't put my finger on-...
*Block Pushing Puzzle appears, if a short one*
War: ...why, Council, WHY do you allow such things to exist?
*War grabs a Map*
Watcher: Now all you need is the compass, boss room door key, a new inventory item, and green tights, and you're set to save the world.
War: Good thing my goal is merely to RESTORE THE BALANCE, that's totally different, right?
Watcher: Only if you want it to be.
War: Speaking of treasure...
*Insert Legend of Zelda "You got an item" here, the dramatic variant*
Tutorial: YOU GOT THE CROSS SHURIKEN BLADED THING! THIS IS TOTALLY NOT A BOOMERANG RIP OFF CAUSE YOU CAN CHARGE IT UP AND HIT 5 ENEMIES WITH IT!
War: HA! Ranged combat, here I come!
*Rest of the dungeon is uneventful, if still lengthy, some of the rooms involve Tiamat fighting that Griffon for NO DISCERN-ABLE REASON, with one exception*
War: Big open room with no puzzles, a full healing chest to the left, this seems almost suspicious.
*Mega Man Boss intro: THE JAILER*
War: ...oh great...a large hulking bruiser who spawns weak minions that has clear weak points I'm suppose to use my bladed weapon to exploit. Well, better make the best of this!
*Gameplay segment over, including the "Press B to finish boss" factor, little guy pops out of the Jailer, looks around for War, who just pulls a Snake Neck Crack on him...and by neck crack, I mean "rips guys torso off"*
Watcher: Lets just skip to the boss right, shall we?
War: Works for me!
*Boss fight*
Tiamat: HORSEMAN! What are you doing here!? I didn't know the council was TAKING SIDES! Or did Samael buy your services!? In which case...perhaps we could strike a deal!
War: (I need to think of a bad ass way to say no...come on, think of one...THINK...I GOT IT!) YOU WOULDN'T LIKE MY TERMS! (Man that was awesome!)
Tiamat: ...YOU WILL DIE HORSEMAN! *screeches in annoying fashion* YOU REGRET NOT ACCEPTING MY OFFER!
*Cue boss fight involving Bomb Rock, Cross Boomerang, elementalizing Cross Boomerang, lots of fireballs, a Quick Time Event attack related defense, involving either War getting fried, or him falcon punching Tiamat away, and explosions*
Tiamat: NO! How could I be defeated!? I AM ONE OF THE CHOSEN!
War: Yeah, whatever, NOW TO KI-...
Watcher: NO! Rip her heart out while she still lives! IT MUST BE BEATING!
War: ...oh, right. *Rips out Tiamat's heart*
Watcher: Oh wow, that thing is coursing with power, no wonder Samael wanted it!
War: Why don't I just keep it and use it for my own?
Watcher: Cause that'd be too logical for plot progression. Anyway, back to the gameplay!
*War gets a Health upgrade from beating the boss!*
War: While I appreciate the upgrade, is there anything we WON'T rip off?
Watcher: Just jump in the teleportation portal and head back outside
*outside*
Vulgrim: WELCOME STRANGER!
War: Oh, its you...
Vulgrim: Ah, Stranger, you seem to be in a pickle. Without your feathered friend, stranger, you cannot escape.
War: And?
Vulgrim: Show me that heart, stranger, and I'll give you a bargain to go anywhere you've already been UNDERGROUND.
War: Cheap teleportation mechanics for easy world traveling, just for showing you a heart? Ok.
*Shows Vulgrim heart for one second, puts it away*
Vulgrim: Eheheheh, come back ANYTIME!
Narrator: THIS EPISODE IS DONE! STAY TUNED FOR NEXT EPISODE: Watch Us Rip off Games Even More!