Darksiders Abridged:
Episode 4: Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Big Freaking Sword to Enemy's Face
Watcher: When we last left our ultra violent, hero that hates demons and angels alike, he had just beaten the crap out of THE GRIEVER.
War: Oh no, not another one of yo-...wait, why are YOU narrating?
Watcher: Because the Council realized you'll kill anyone else who tries to narrate, so they put me who you CAN'T kill to do this.
War: That has to be against one of our contracts in SOME way.
Watcher: Whatever, can we continue on with our own story please?
War: Fine, fine.
*back in the actual story*
War: So, I just got this sweet gun with unlimited ammo, I need to test it on something. Damn it, where are those wimpy demons when I need to kill something?
Watcher: Well, you could kill those Crows over there if you really want to sho-...
*Watcher notices as all the Crows are laying on the ground in corpses, with green souls all flying to War*
War: You say something?
Watcher: ...never mind, shall we just get the heart to Samael?
*at Samael*
Samael: Ah, ANOTHER HEART! And it seems you and the Black Hammer are best friends now!
Watcher: How do you know that? You live in this little prison!
Samael: I have my ways *hides a demonic TV showing the latest news*
War: Here's the damn heart, now tell me where the next CHOSEN is.
Samael: Ah! Good! And I heard you had a run in with Uriel.
War: What if I did?
Samael: Did you have a boss fight with her?
War: Maybe.
Watcher: WE did. Just for storyline purposes, we sort of glanced over that part cause it was uneventful and she didn't die.
War: Damn it! I wanna be cryptic for once.
Watcher: Hey! Cryptic is MY job! Your job is to just be violent and kill things.
War: Fine fine. Anyway, she's convinced I killed her leader, Abaddon, when it was clearly the DESTROYER that did that.
Samael: Actually, it wasn't the Destroyer. It was some really strong demon named Straga whose probably one of the chosen, and you'll probably fight him again.
War: Wait, what? I could have sworn it was the Destroyer! The intro suggested as such!
Samael: Yeah, well, the intro also did a poor job of making any remote level of sense.
War: ...touche.
Samael: Anyway, those Angelic pricks all had strong devotion to their leader and will stop at nothing to get back at who killed him (which remember, they think is you). Especially Uriel. She totally had the hots for him, afterall.
War: Angels are capable of Adolescent crushes?
Samael: Yes, yes they are. Most beings are, in fact!
Watcher: ...wait, do you mean to say that you actually had a thing for Tiamat?
Samael: HEY! How did you...I mean...uh...about that next chosen! The Stygian Worm held in the arena by Demons is...
War: Wait, he's a high level demon and he's being...imprisoned by other demons?
Samael: SHUT UP! The specifics don't matter! What matters is you run to the Ashlands, kick its ass, get its heart, and bring it back to me.
War: Kick something's ass? I'm game!
Samael: Oh yeah, have you heard of the CHRONOSPHERES!?!?!?
*Dramatic music plays*
War: Yes, yes I have. (If only cause it'll make you NOT explain what they do.)
Samael: They let you control time.
War: (CRAP!)
Samael: The Demons learned how to use them...to a lesser degree. With full control one can slow down, speed up or even REVERSE TIME!!! But that's not important, what's important is that I'm giving you another random plot power upgrade that lets you use these things cause you're going to need them for the following puzzles to avoid these stinking bugs.
War: Uh, ok?
*War gets the power to control Chronospheres*
Samael: Now, GO GET THAT GOD DAMN HEART!
*at the Ashlands*
War: So, I see these blue orbs, touch them, time slows down, and I have just enough time to complete the puzzle, it seems.
Watcher: Yes, that would be the case.
War: ...didn't God of War 2 have that EXACT SAME GIMMICK?
Watcher: Please. You act like we aren't liberally ripping off games as we speak already. Just shut up and get on with-
War: *busy ripping Zombies in half* I'm sorry, what was that again?
Watcher: ...just open the damn door using the Chronosphere.
*A bunch of NEW kinds of angels appear*
Blue Angel: THERE HE IS! DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY! FOR THE HELL VANGUA-
*War throws Bomb rocks at them, they explode*
War: You know, when this "Adventure" is over, I think Angels and "Kamikaze Morons" are going to be synonymous to me.
*after many of those stupid aerial worm traps from the previous levels later*
War: Ah, a desert. We must be getting close. I think I'll walk into the sand and...
*War gets eaten by a giant worm, respawns at edge of sand*
War: What the fuck was that? HA! I won't be beaten by-...
*Same thing happens*
Watcher: Its called an Instant Death trap. You're suppose to use that Chronosphere over there and avoid being eaten.
War: ...I knew that.
*War does exactly that*
Bull Demon Guy: HE COMES! GET HIM!
War: Who the hell are these freaks.
Watcher: NEW Generic mooks.
War: Which means I get to slaughter them with massive prejudice?
Watcher: Oh absolutely!
War: NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! *War rips them in half...some literally* And now to climb this *gets saw bladed off* WHAT THE FUCK?
Watcher: Another Chronosphere puzzle.
War: Look, can we like...fast forward thing this boring section and get on with the fun stuff?
Watcher: Fun stuff? Like what do you mean?
War: Well, you see...
*Fast forwards to a section with big bull demons, one holding large grenade launchers*
War: ...this is what I'm talking about! An actual battle!
*after the battle is won, one of those demons drops a cannon, which War picks up*
War: HA! Now that's what I'm talking about! I shall name this cannon...JIMMY!
Watcher: Not as threatening a name as Redemption, if you ask me.
War: Doesn't matter, Jimmy and I shall DESTROY ALL DEMONS IN THIS DUNGEON!
*War runs rampant blowing up just about everything in this dungeon. This goes on for about 5 rooms involving mass destruction, explosions, and many suicidal demons as a result*
War: Ah, Jimmy, you are a fine...
*Demon punches War, he drops the cannon*
War: JIMMY! NO!!!!! DIE FUCKING DEMON!
Big Demon Guy: HA! Like you can...DEAR GOD! DID YOU JUST SLICE OFF MY LEFT LEG AND RIGHT ARM!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
War: GIVE HIM BACK!! *War slaughters the demon*
Watcher: (Note to self: Never get between War and weapons he's sentimental with)
War: These freaks will pay! Dear god they'll pay! For my name is...
*War gets eaten by another giant worm*
War: ...ok, what the hell?
Watcher: Its another Worm puzzle. this time, you need to rush between the towers which are safety points, before it eats you. Have fun with that, cause its going to involve lots of painful deaths if your timing is a little off!
War: God damn I hate it when I can't just kill things. Seriously, why can't I just kill this worm now?
Watcher: Cause you can't do shit while you're sinking in the sand, and thus it leaves you defenseless?
War: ...oh, right, that stupid handicap.
*About 10 deaths later, War reaches the end*
War: That was really unfun, who seriously thought that was a good idea?
Watcher: The Council did.
War: ...OH! In that case, IT WAS A GREAT IDEA AND I'M GLAD I SUFFERED THROUGH IT! ^^;
Watcher: (...wow, I didn't think that'd actually work, but...) The Arena is on the other side.
War: Arena you say? That means there will be things to kill!
*War opens door, gets ambushed by about 60 demons*
Generic Demon #7: HE CAN'T TAKE US ALL ON!
Generic Demon #8: YES! WE HAVE HIM OUTNUMBERED!
Generic Demon #9: YEAH! EVEN WITH THOSE 3 HEALTH REFILL ITEMS AND SOME OF US DROPPING HEALING ITEMS, HE STANDS NO CHANCE!
War: BRING IT ON! (Also, thanks for the tip!)
*War kicks some ass and then some*
*New demons RIDING HORSES APPEAR*
War: Wait, why do DEMONS get horses? I mean, I'm one of the Horsemen!
Horse Riding Demon: Shut up! I'm more awesome than...
*Demon gets impaled on the Chaoseater*
War: Like I was saying...
*New special fancy Demon who resembles one of the Horsemen appears*
Super Horse Riding Demon: Aha, you don't look so big from here, HORSEMAN!
War: You can look me eye to eye when I kill you! </actual line of dialog>
SUper Horse Riding Demon: HA! I got the horse, that's 6 legs! YOu only have two! What now!?
War: Falcon...PAWNCH!
*War smacks the Demon off the horse*
Super Horse Riding Demon: Ok, that was unfair! But you'll need more than that to...
*War slices the guys legs off, then impales him*
Super Horse Riding Demon: Blargh! Unfair...this was...suppose to be...an epic...boss fight. *dies*
*The horse goes out of control*
Watcher: KILL THE HORSE NOW! ITS MAD!
War: Ruin...I will not fight you!
Watcher: What!? Whose Ruin and where did it come from? KILL IT NOW OR I'LL KILL YOU!
War: I'll take my chances!
*Ruin kicks the shit out of War some offscreen*
Watcher: Oh come on, you thought standing in the way of a stampeding horse was a good idea?
War: Look, I'll admit it wasn't one of my better ideas, but...
*War mounts Ruin*
War: I GOT MY HORSE BACK BITCH! Now I cam a REAL Horseman!
Generic Demon #10: He's got his horse back! Quickly, we can beat him now!
Logical Demon: Um, sir, doesn't the horse give him MORE strength and he just took down a whole bunch of us *AND* some high class demons in the process>
Generic Demon #10: IRRELEVANT!
*things end about as you'd expect*
Watcher: Aww, what a touching reunion...BUT WE HAVE A STYGIAN WORM TO GET AND A HEART TO RIP OUT DAMN IT!
War: Oh, right, there's that. Say, with Ruin, I can now TRAVEL ON QUICKSAND! HA! That worm is totally getting its ass kicked.
Watcher: I guess I should tell you I saw a flashing thing in its mouth. But I don't think its that important.
*War challenges the worm, kills it with lots of gun shoots in the mouth*
Watcher: See? I told you it was relevant.
*War slices the worm in half, Shoryuken style, as a finishing move*
Watcher: Anyway, that was just a warm up, GO FIND THE REAL STYGIAN WORM!
War: Already did.
Watcher: Really, where!?
*War points to a huge freaking worm that's chained up by a mass of demons*
Watcher: Well, its chained up, so that's easy. Ok, go get the-...
*War starts butchering all the Demons in the way instead*
Watcher: ...well, I guess that's one way to get to the thing.
*The Stygian Worm escapes, kills all the demons*
*Mega Man Style Intro: The Stygian*
Watcher: War. Chosen Demon. Beating Heart. Fight.
War: Based on the way this fight looks, it seems to be a simply more elaborate version of that OTHER worm fight. So...
*War proceeds to just shoot it in the mouth a lot til its dead. Sure, some gimmick sections like it trying to eat him from below, having to slice off the metal thing on his mouth first, and splitting into multiple small worms appear, but no one cares about that*
War: AHA! I win...
Watcher: Just press the B button and get on with the cinematic kill.
War: Right!
*War jumps into the Stygian's mouth, the two go underground, War shoryukens his way out of the ground holding the heart*
War: HA! I win!
Watcher: Ah, another heart for Samael. You know, with all these hearts giving him power...you know, I'm starting to think this isn't a good idea.
War: of course it is! I get to kill stuff, he gets the hearts, we both get what we want! I fail to see what can go wrong.
Watcher: ...whatever.
Watcher: And so, ends the 3rd dungeon that wasn't quite as long as you'd expect and...
War: Seriously, are you going to be doing this for the rest of the episodes?
Watcher: Yes I am. You can either shut up, let me talk, and it'll be over faster, or...
War: I feel like this chapter was missing something.
Uriel: YOU DAMN RIGHT IT IS! I'M NOT ANYWHERE IN IT TO PISS AND MOAN ABOUT HOW YOU KILLED ABADDON!
Watcher: War, you thinking what I'm thinking?
War: That retreat might be a good idea for the first time in my life?
Watcher: Yes!
Uriel: HEY! You two get back here!