Darksiders Abridged: Episode ...
Watcher: Wait, why doesn't this Episode have a number?
War: Cause it looked ugly, so I decided to kill the number...violently.
Watcher: I think you have a problem.
War: Its not my fault I was born the PERSONIFICATION OF VIOLENCE, and that's basically all I know how to do!
Watcher: Whatever, so where were we...oh, right, 3rd Heart, we just got it.
War: Oh, right, we gotta take this thing to Samael, don't we?
Watcher: Yes, yes we do!
*at Samael, with nothing really interesting happening in between*
Samael: Ah, the 3rd heart, good!
War: So, you're going to tell me whose heart I need to rip out next, give me some random power up that lets me travel farther, and then we'll have more cryptic nonsense to further show there's more to this plot than meets the eye?
Samael: I'm impressed; you've shown the ability to think beyond merely killing what's in front of you.
War: Just get on with it. I've a busy schedule of demon murdering to get back to.
Samael: Your next victim will be a Giant Spider named Silitha!
War: ...we couldn't go through the game without at least one giant spider, could we?
Watcher: Just pray this one isn't made of lava.
War: Where do I find her?
Samael: Go through the Ashlands.
War: I just came from there, now you're saying go back? Why couldn't I just kill two birds with one car?
Samael: Because your horse, Ruin, hasn't regained his full strength...and still won't, but I'll give you this ability that lets him run across INVISIBLE BRIDGES so you can reach the next dungeon.
War: I see...
Samael: Anyway, you won't find her, she'll find you!
War: That makes things easier.
Samael: She takes care of her children, catching things for them...except the lucky ones, they get kept alive...FOR INFORMATION! She's a collector, you see.
War: Ignoring how that makes no sense, what can she tell me about YOU, Samael!?!?!
Samael: DON'T PRY INTO MY LIFE DAMN IT! I can read my Demon Porn All I want while you're off doing all the hard work!
War: ...
Samael: ...er....I mean...don't pry, or this will not be a happy ending! And I do want it to be a happy ending! I'm a fan of Disney movies, you know.
Watcher: Really? I never would have expected a tough guy like you to be into that kind of stuff.
Samael: Shut up, we all have our soft spots! I know that YOU, War, take ballet during the off season!
Watcher: ...now THAT I didn't know.
Samael: Oh, there's far more I could tell you about War that you don't know!
War: Ok, ENDING CONVERSATION NOW!
Watcher: But I want to hear-...
War: END. NOW. OFF TO KILL GIANT SPIDER!
*At the Ashlands*
War: *whistling random Western themes as he slices across arbitrary zombies*
Watcher: I get the feeling you're having fun.
War: Me and Ruin go way back!
Watcher: ...I'd rather not hear your story, thank you very much.
War: Oh look, its that weird portal thing! TIME TO SMASH-...
Watcher: *smacks War*
War: er...I mean...run across the invisible bridge?
*War does exactly that*
War: ...its quiet...to quiet...something isn't right here...
Watcher: What makes you say that?
War: Cause there's no enemies for me to slaughter
*War gets attacked by a huge fucking GOD KNOWS WHAT and transported to a different place entirely*
War: ...how did I get caught up in a web? Like seriously, I looked up and...oh hell with it, BUTTON MASH QUICK TIME ESCAPE POWERS ACTIVATE!
*War breaks free*
Watcher: Cobwebs everywhere, spiders dancing around, huge freaking mansion that screams "YOU'RE IN A DUNGEON"...yep, I think we're in the right place?
*spiders the size of large dogs attack War*
War: FUCKING SPIDERS! YOU GO SPLAT NOW!
*War steps on them...literally*
Watcher: Not the most elegant way of dealing with these pests, but I suppose I cannot argue with results.
War: Now, for the BIG SPIDER
Watcher: How about you just dodge the spider entirely using that Chronosphere thingy over there and we come back with a new item that is inevitably in this dungeon?
War: But I wanna kill it now!
Watcher: But maybe you can't!
War: YOU SPEAK MADNESS!
Watcher: ...ok, how's this. Lets get the item first, cause maybe it'll let you kill it in far more creative and FUN ways than what you have available. If I'm wrong, you can punch me in the face.
War: Oh, that sounds good, LETS DO IT!
*many stupid puzzles related to spiders and avoiding big huge ones cause they're dicks later*
War: Big ominous pedestal...I'm smacking this open!
Watcher: Wait, you might not want to...
*You gained A CHAIN WITH A LARGE HOOK ON THE END. War can now pretend he's spiderman!*
War: What was that you were about to say?
Watcher: Oh nothing. by the way, follow me OVER HERE!!!
*War runs to beat up random demons*
Watcher: War! Don't make me call you again, HORSEMAN!
*War continues to beat up demons*
Watcher: YOU WILL REGRET NOT LISTENING TO ME!
War: Shut up! I'm trying to find a way to get up to you! You're standing in an awkward spot and I can't reach there easily!
Watcher: ...oh.
*War finally reaches there*
Watcher: Oh look, little hooks to swing across, why don't you...
War: WHEE!!!!!!!! *is already doing that jumping from thing to thing*
Watcher: ...seriously, THIS is the personification of violence?
*War comes up to one of those big armored spiders*
War: Can I kill this one?
Watcher: Fine, see what I care.
War: Ok! *uses the Totally-Not-Hook-Shot to beat said Spider*
Watcher: Good job, now repeat that 3 more times cause you have to kill all 4 spiders to open that seal.
War: Ok.
*War does that with backtracking and such*
War: Say, what's that huge ominous mass of crystals that my fist can totally smack over...
*Large Crystal Spider appears out of nowhere*
War: Watcher?
Watcher: Yeah?
War: This is a mini boss, right?
Watcher: Probably.
War: And that usually means a retarded gimmick, right?
Watcher: Most definitely.
War: ...nuts...
*War fights the stupid mini boss involving pulling large webbed things from the ceiling, chucking them at the things open mouth*
War: Why. Am. I. Not. Doing. Damage. To. Its. Shell!?
Watcher: Cause its a hard shell?
War: But...that fist I got is suppose to smash them!
Watcher: Its...made of different material?
War: Screw it, maybe if I attack the back-...oh hey, its all soft and squishy here!
*War stabs the back a lot, Spider dies*
Watcher: Good job, now lets just finish this dungeon, and get out of here. These spiders are pissing me...
*War enters room, huge gauntlet of just about every generic demon class to date starts popping up non-stop*
Watcher: Is there any chance you WON'T slaughter all of them to speed this up?
War: You're suggesting I leave things alive when I can clearly kill them, I thought you knew me better than that. Besides, there's one of those "Kill all enemies!" seals in the way.
Watcher: Figures.
*War wins said Gauntlet*
War: I AM JUST THAT AWESOME! Now, where's the Spider Queen thing?
Silitha: RIGHT HERE!!!
*She lands right by War*
War: ...you're the boss? And you can SPEAK!? Holy crap! I haven't seen one of those since Tiamat!
Silitha: You want my heart, don't you Horseman? BUT DO YOU KNOW WHY WE CHOSEN ARE CHOSEN?
War: Does it look like I care?
Silitha: Within our breasts lies the power that Samael once had! Once he gains our hearts, he will be back to full!
War: Look, I don't care.
Silitha: YOU WOULD BE WISE TO JOIN US RATHER THAN FOLLOW HIS LEAD!
War: Care. Do. I. Not.
Silitha: And...are you listening to me?
War: no.
Silitha: ...YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS INSOLENCE!
Watcher: Just a tip, but you may want to find a way to get close to her cause she uses TELEPORTING WEB NONSENSE, and her weak spot is clearly her face.
War: IOWs, use this Hooked Chain Thing on her face when she's talking, slice her a lot?
Watcher: Sounds good to me!
Silitha; YOU ARE A FOOL TO TRUST SAMAEL!
*War slices her in the face*
Silitha: HEY! That's cheating!
War: And I suppose using unlimited Teleporting Webbing is totally fair?
Silitha: YES!
*Silitha body slams on War using said webbing*
Silitha: YOU WILL NEVER GET MY HEART!
*Silitha jumps to the ceiling creating a whole bunch of "use Hook Shot Clone on here!" spots*
Silitha: MWAHAHAHAH! NOW HOW WILL YOU GET ME!?
War: ...Crap, there's no "Press B to Kill Boss VIOLENTLY", guess I'll have to improvise!
*War uses Hook Shot, proceeds into a cutscene where he beats the shit out of Silitha*
Silitha: ARGH! I'm NOT DEAD YET!!!
*Silitha falls from ceiling, through 3 stories of the mansion, onto a convenient spike*
Watcher: Oh, come on; to avoid ripping off Zelda and God of War, you instead rip off Devil May Cry?
War: Why are you complaining about this game being a rip off? I thought you were the one who was fully aware of that?
Watcher: Cause its starting to piss me off too. Anyway, just take that god damn heart to Samael and...
War: Fuck no! I'm going hunting for items with this hook chain thing!
Watcher: Oh great...
*nothing special happens here, except for one instance in the Anvil's Ford*
War: I see a chest over there and...
Brittish Gentleman Zombie: Good day, Chap. How about a nice little challenge between you and me.
War: Um, what?
Brittish Gentleman Zombie: Have at thee!
War: Who the fuck are...OH! That Zombie cane hurts...and why the fuck is a zombie wearing a BRITTISH GENTLEMAN OUTFIT?
Brittish Gentleman Zombie: Aha, very witty! Alas, we must continue out duel.
War: Uh, ok?
*War beats the shit out of the zombie...well, no, the Zombie puts of a semi-competent fight*
Brittish Gentleman Zombie: Bloody Hell, I've lost! Cheerio, we shall meet again!
War: What the fuck was up with that?
Watcher: I honestly have no clue...
War: So...we done with the game yet or what?
Watcher: What do you mean?
War: I mean...we got the 4 hearts so once I take this to Samael, he's going to kick the shit out of the Destroyer, right?
Watcher: ...you are naive, Horseman!