FF7: Disc 1 beat! Finally got off my ass and did it, Fort Condor can die for its obscure triggers ESPECIALLY since the last 3 give you nothing and are mistranslated -_-
Onimusha 3 Abridged:
Episode 3: By the Power of Ako!!!!
Narrator: When we last left our Hero...that is to say the Samurai who...
Samanosuke: Just say my name and what era I'm in so we can get to the actual story.
Narrator: FINE! When we last left SAMANOSUKE who was in FRANCE searching NOTRE DAME...
Samanosuke: Thank you.
Narrator: ...he had just gotten a new awesome sword.
Samanosuke: Man, this sword is awesome and big and...wait, why is it Wind Elemental, while my two light weight swords are Light elemental?
*Zombie Skeleton Demons attack out of nowhere, Samanosuke butchers them effortlessly*
Samanosuke: Oh look, a Golden Skull...embedded in an odd spot...guarded by Dark Aura...which I can absorb with my gauntlet...I smell more Crest puzzles...
*7 Resident Evil style puzzles later*
Samanosuke: Ok, if this room doesn't have actual plot development, I QUIT!
Skeletor: Ah, Samanosuke, you made it at last!
Samanosuke: (...you know, maybe I should just quit ANYWAY.)
Skeletor: But you are too late!
Samanosuke: (Yeah, I'm just not digging the hero gig right now...)
Skeletor: I have already found the TIME FOLD!
Samanosuke: (Also, I really should have picked a better outfit than this. I mean, my past self gets this cool red armor, but I get a bad hair cut and this weird looking generic samurai suit...)
Skeletor: With it, Nobunaga shall CONQUOR THE WORLD!
Samanosuke: (Maybe I should have stopped at one of these French Shops along the way, and got new future clothes...)
Skeletor: NOT JUST THIS ERA! BUT THE FUTURE AND PAST TOO! WITH GENMA YOU SEE!
Samanosuke: (...wait, how did I know this was France? No one told me and I thought it was China about 2 hours ago...)
Skeletor: So, Samanosuke, what are you going to do about it? You cannot fight what's in the past!
Samanosuke: (and then-...wait, he asked me a question, damn it, that means I have to respond)...well, I could just...kick your ass, I guess.
Skeletor: You'll have to catch me first! *Jumps into a portal*
Samanosuke: GET BACK HERE EVIL ONE!
*Follows suit, ends up in a weird docking area*
Samanosuke: What manner of sorcery is this?
Ako: Oh! That's the boat Jacques was on! This must be where he lands!
Samanosuke: I see...say, why not check up on him, he should probably get a heads up as to what out skull faced freak is up too.
Ako: Ok! *teleports...but fails* ...huh? I can't leave! THis is weird...
Samanosuke: Or just a stupid attempt to integrate plot and gameplay to force a new aspect that requires actually swapping between me and the French Guy at the players will instead of the plot's!
Ako: Oh, right, that's the real reason, isn't it? Well, lets get to one of those purple points!
*one gameplay device later, now back in the feudal era*
Ako: JACQUES!!!!!!!!
Jacques: Oh, its you...
Ako: Jacques, I've learned of the villains plot, for you see...
*one boring explanation later*
Jacques: ...so Samanosuke is in this is exact spot 500 years in the future...by which we really mean 420 cause SOME CAPCOM PRODUCER CAN'T FUCKING SUBTRACT.
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: Well, that means the PAST AND FUTURE ARE LINKING UP! This is really bad!
Ako: Yep!
Jacques: Well, no use standing around here, lets get to work, and finally actually work together with Samanosuke to solve this riddle!
*the two, with AKo's help, start swapping emblems back and forth at will to continue nonsense and what not, eventually Jacques enters a room with...lots of random junk*
Jacques: Man, there's a lot of random junk in this room...I bet its all the GENMA's fault!
Ranmaru: Aha! Its you! You'd make quite the good detective!
Jacques: ...aren't you one of the bad guys? You realize you could have just stabbed me in the back and just won here and now, right?
Ranmaru: Oh, I'm not being paid to do that right now. See, this is one of those "Henchman appears just to mock the hero" sequences.
Jacques: But you're not really mocking me, you just complimented me in fact!
Ranmaru: Yeah, well, you...uhh...and....damn it! I'm leaving! May my honorable walk out be a symbol of my anger and protest to your ability to verbally defeat me! *he does exactly that*
Jacques: ...I wonder if he remembers he's only 14 years old and speaking to some guy whose a seasoned cop from the future...oh well, I can't do anything here, maybe this BARRIER will be gone 420 years in the future coincidentally...
Ako: Yeah, maybe it will!
Jacques: So Samanosuke can get the object then!
Ako: Yeah!
Jacques: ...and you know, sort of send it back to me to make use of it...
Ako: Yeah!
Jacques: ...which requires your help.
Ako: It does!
Jacques: ...you realize you need to go to the future to pull this off, right?
Ako: YEp!
Jacques: So...
Ako: ^_^
Jacques: (...are crow demon fairies really all this dense?) Ok, look, I need Samanosuke to get this item, and then send it back to me.
Ako: Oh! Oh! I know I know! I'll go to the future, tell Samanosuke to get the item, bring it back here, you use it, then you both benefit cause you're in the past!
Jacques: Yeah, that's what I was getting at...
Ako: Yay! And I thought of that all by myself! Glad it was all my idea! WHere would you be without my intelligence!
Jacques: ...just go to the future already.
AKo: OK!
*Ako goes to the future*
Samanosuke: Ah, so its my turn is it.
Ako: Yeah!
Samanosuke: So what happened in the past that needs my help here?
Ako: Well...I don't remember...
Samanosuke: ...wonderful...
Ako: But we'll be ok, I promise! IN fact, I'll go back and ask Jacques what he wnated right now!
Samanosuke: No, how about we just explore the place and see if anything new openned up thanks to his actions.
Ako: OK!
*Samanosuke reaches the same room, now 420 years older*
Samanosuke: Hmm...interesting object, its almost like there was a barrier here some hundreds of years ago!
Ako: Of course there wasn't one! If there was, it'd still be here!
Samanosuke: Uh, yeah, right. Anyway, about this object...
Skeletor: AH! Samanosuke! You found me at last!
Samanosuke: Yeah I...wait, you snuck up on ME and you're giving ME credit for finding YOU?
Skeletor: Indeed!
Samanosuke: ...maybe I should be happy that I got stuck with the MORON villain.
Skeletor: Oh yeah, I brought a friend here for you to play with!
Samanosuke: Do I really want to know?
Random Zombie: SAMANOSUKE!!!!!!!!!
Samanosuke: Oh, Ranmaru...you look awful </actual line of dialog>
Zombie Ranmaru: I WILL DEVOUR YOUR FLESH AND EAT YOUR SPINE AND KILL YOU!
Skeletor: I have brought him back from the dead, now far more powerful than he was before.
Zombie Ranmaru: AND THEN I WILL SLICE YOU INTO TINY BITS AND FEED YOU TO DUCKS AND KICK YOU IN THE BALLS AND HELP OLD LADIES CROSS THE STREET AND...
Samanosuke: ...you know, when I killed you, I was moderately pleased (partially cause it meant Nobunaga was screwed), but now I'm starting to regret this action...
Zombie Ranmaru: NOW LET US FIGHT!
Samanosuke: ok, FINALLY something I can agree with you on!
*The two fight, the fight consists of Ranmaru jumping around like a maniac and making cheesey villainous henchmen one liners that are completely forgettable*
Zombie Ranmaru: DAMN YOU SAMANOSUKE!
Samanosuke: What, cause even as a Zombie, you can't beat me?
Zombie Ranmaru: I'll be back, just you wait! I let you win this time cause...uh...yeah, I just did! *he runs*
Samanosuke: ...seriously, why am I stuck with all the freaking MORONS for villains?
Ako: Oh, its ok! Jacques has to deal with him too, only he's still alive there!
Samanosuke: Oh and...wait, you can remember that, but you can't remember why you're here specifically?
Ako: Nope! Oh, I'll be taking that object to Jacques now! He said he needed it!
Samanosuke: This is not my average ordinary magical samurai mission...
*420 years earlier*
Ako: Jacques! I'm BACK!!!
Jacques: You know, I don't get it; if you can travel through time at a whim, why do I always have wait exactly as much time as it takes for you in the future to bring stuff back in the past? Couldn't you just teleport back here like 2 seconds after you left?
Ako: But then it wouldn't be as fun!
Jacques: ...anyway, this object I have...lets go make use of it I guess.
*Jacques does exactly that, beating up LIVING ARMORS, Trolls, more ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS until finally*
Jacques: mm...a dead end...
Hanging Man: GREETINGS! WE MEET AGAIN!
Jacques: Ok, no, I definitely NEVER saw you before.
Hang Man: Do you want what's down below? Its quite rewarding!
Jacques: ...this is totally optional and has nothing to do with the plot, right?
Hang Man: That is correct!
Jacques: Yeah, sure, why not.
*Jacques gets a Thunder Stone from this*
Jacques: Man, that's weak. But what's this strange purple glowing...
*Jacques' weapon turns into a HUGE ROPE MACE. No, not a Chain Flail, a Rope Mace. THAT SHOOTS ICE*
Jacques: Man, my weapons just keep getting more awesome as they come, don't they? And somehow, my Pistol has unlimited ammo to make for some stylish holds!
Samanosuke: *From the Future* God damn it! Why do you get all the cool weapons? All I got are these twin swords and a big cleaver. Meanwhile, you got a Flaming Whip Sword, Lightning Sword Chucks and now an Ice Sword Flail.
Jacques: The advantages of being french!
*Jacques continues onward, enters a room, lots of demons being beaten up by a half naked fat man with a large glowing pointed stick*
Honda: AHA! You cannot beat the almighty Haichiro Honda! I AM INVINCIBLE! NO ONE CAN STOP ME!
Jacques: Hi there!
Honda: NO ONE CAN STOP ME! *He leaves*
Jacques: ...I guess he didn't see me. Weird, I thought he was a bad guy, but here he's fighting Genma...
Ako: Yeah, its really weird!
Jacques: ...I'm guessing he doesn't even know his own role, and...CRAP! Another dead end! You know what this means, right?
Ako: Nope!
Jacques: ...just go to the future and tell Samanosuke to look for more stuff that I might be able to make use of!
Ako: Ok!!!
*420 years later*
Samanosuke: 6703 blood stains, 6704 blood stains...
Ako: Samanosuke!!!!
Samanosuke: Ah, you're back, so how did it go.
Ako: How did what go?
Samanosuke: ...lets just move on.
*Samanosuke deals with a bunch of booby traps*
Samanosuke: Ok, no, why the hell do I get all the Booby Traps like spinning blades and BARREL CRUSHERS while he gets the cool awesome weapons? Seriously, this game is suppose to be about Samurais, NOT FRENCH MEN KICKING ASS!
Capcom: Fine, if you're gonna whine, just take this new weapon then!
*Samanosuke gets a BIG FUCKING AXE*
Samanosuke: ...I...guess I should be...thankful? I mean...I mostly use swords...
Giant Troll: ROAR BLARG SMASH BAM!!!!
Samanosuke: Eh, lets see how this *he cleaves the Troll effortlessly in half on one hit with a critical* ...um, ok, this might work. I wonder what kind of magic it uses-*creates big walls of Lava that kill things dead* ...yeah, that'll do.
Hang Dude: Ah, we have a new guest it seems.
Samanosuke: Oh, hi there. What's your name?
Hang Dude: Would you like to take my challenge?
Samanosuke: Yeah I...wait, weren't you back 420 years ago with Jacques?
Hang Dude: Oh no! That was my Great Great Great Great Great *ad nauseum* Great Great Grandfather Hang Man! I'm Hang Dude! We're totally different!
Samanosuke: Right...ok, I accept your challenge! HAVE THEE VILE DEMONS!
*Samanosuke gets a Wind Soul*
Samanosuke: So I guess when I turn into Sephiroth, I get NEW POWERS now, huh? Eh screw it, I'm taking a nap.
Jacques: *From the past* Hey, that sounds like a good idea! I think I'll do the same!
Ako: Wait! What should I do? Both of you can't take a nap! What about saving the world!
Ranmaru: I'll do it!
Ako: really?
Zombie Ranmaru: No, I'll do it!
Ako: AH! THere's two of you!!!!
Narrator: ...ok, no, I'm just ending this episode right here and now, cause god knows we're allowed to let Ranmaru do ANYTHING remotely worth noting.
Zombie Ranmaru and Ranmaru: ...awww...