Onimusha 3 Abridged:
Episode 4: Ranmaru's Still a Moron
Ranmaru: Oh burn in hell!
Narrator: *bitch slaps Ranmaru* BACK IN YOUR CAGE!
Ranmaru: Yes sir! *does exactly that*
Narrator: Anyway, when we last left SAMANOSUKE, he was about to take a nap cause he was bored.
Samanosuke: Nah, I'm up now, so what do I have to do again?
Narrator: How the hell am I suppose to know? I just read a god damned script! You're the protagonist!
Samanosuke: Sheesh, whatever. Anyway, I shall...wait, crap, am I at a dead end?
Ako: Yes, yes you are.
Samanosuke: ...well, I guess its Jacques turn now!
*Jacques takes over*
Jacques: Well, now that I have this RED DISC that Samanosuke sent me...
Samanosuke: *From future* WHAT THE HELL? AKO!!! I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD TAKE THAT THING!!!!
Jacques: I shall continue onward in my journey!
Samanosuke: *From future* ...strange, after my complaint, the Red Disc spontaneously appeared in the exact spot I planned on placing it! Time Travel is a perplexing thing indeed!
Jacques: ...this is my section damn it, STOP INTERRUPTING ME!
Samanosuke: *From future* Oh, right, sorry.
Jacques: Anyway, lets make a move on and-...
*He enters a room with a HUGE FUCKING 2 HEADED DOG*
Jacques: So...Ako...what's it saying?
Ako: Why do you assume I know what dogs say?
Jacques: Cause you have pretty much every useless power known to man, outside of exact specific scenarios that only me and my future companion would run into?
Ako: Oh, right! WEll, it says LEAVE NOW!
Ranmaru: *comes in out of nowhere* Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, THERE'S A GUARD DOG!
Jacques: ...damn it, you're not suppose to be in this scene!
Ranmaru: I'm not?
Jacques: NO! NOW GET OUT SO I CAN HAVE A BOSS FIGHT!
Ranmaru: ...nobody loves me
*he leaves even though he was never actually in this scene to begin with*
Jacques: So I guess this is the guard dog then...lets get this fight over with!
*Boss fight ensues, Jacques emerges victorious*
Jacques: Ok, now that that's done with...
*trap springs, entire area starts flooding*
Jacques: ...should have seen that coming.
*He runs up stairs, killing more ZOMBIE SKELETON DEMONS*
Ako: Man, your luck really sucks Jacques.
Jacques: No thanks to you!
Ako: Well, if you stopped yelling at me, you wouldn't miss that DEMON TRAIN OVER THERE!
Jacques: What demon train? *he looks behind him, sees a DEMON TRAIN leaving* ...oh the convenience *he gets on it without any flair and drama despite it moving at max speed*
Jacques: *sigh* I just want to go home...can you tell Samanosuke to figure this stuff out already?
Ako: OK!!! Wait, what are you doing?
Jacques: Taking a nap, cause I'm not going to be in the game for quite a while due to some screwed up nonsense.
Ako: Got it!
*back 420 years in the future*
Samanosuke: So its my turn again? Ok, lets check out this new room!
*he does exactly that, upon entering the room*
Zombie Ranmaru: DIE!!!!!!!! *he misses spectacularly*
Samanosuke: ...oh, hi, Ranmaru...what's up?
Zombie Ranmaru: I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
Samanosuke: Are you really sure you want another curb stomping? I mean...seriously, do you think anything is going to change since 20 minutes ago?
Zombie Ranmaru: YES!!!! NOW I WILL KIL-
*Samanosuke kicks him in the teeth*
Zombie Ranmaru: OW! My 434 year old Undead teeth! You'll pay for that!
Samanosuke: Look, can we just get on with-*Random aura engulfs Samanosuke* What kind of sorcery is this?
Zombie Ranmaru: Oh look, you fell for my trap! Now you'll become a Genma and I'll get my revenge!
Samanosuke: So you're going to turn me into a demon?
Zombie Ranmaru: Yes!
Samanosuke: Thereby making me stronger just like you?
Zombie Ranmaru: Yes!
Samanosuke: And you're suppose to defeat me after I get this upgrade?
Zombie Ranmaru: YES!!!!
Samanosuke: Even though you couldn't beat me as I am now?
Zombie Ranmaru: Yes! THIS PLAN IS FLAWLESS! SEE YOU IN HELL!! *Samanosuke teleports away*
Ako: Oh no! I need to go tell someone something is wrong! I know! I'll tell them!
*In Jacques Apartment*
Ako: Samanosuke is in trouble!
Henri: I must help him! If he's in trouble, dad is too! I'm off to Notre Dame! *Henri charges out of the house*
Michelle: No! Henri! You mustn't...Ako, we have to find him, or else he's in trouble.
Ako: Ok! Lets go! But you'll have to become a playable character if we're to do this.
Michelle: Ok, can I still use guns and grenades?
Ako: Uh, I guess?
Michelle: THEN LETS DO THIS!
*Michelle guns down a bunch of demons with a Semi-Automatic Shotgun, Assault Rifle, and blows a few things up with Grenades*
Ako: So you find anything yet?
Michelle: No, not quite-...*finds a document* ...except that this says there's something going on in the Zoo...HENRI AND SAMANOSUKE MUST BE THERE!
Ako: OK! ...wait, we don't even know that Henri got kidnapped, aren't we getting ahead of ourselves?
Michelle: He's a 10 year old boy whose sole purpose is to be motivation for Jacques to care about this time line (Cause apparently, me being engaged to him isn't enough...), and help out my own character development, what od you think?
Ako: I don't think!
Michelle: (how do Jacques and Samanosuke put up with her?)
*meanwhile, in jail*
Henri: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
Samanosuke: Be strong, Henri! Michelle will save us!
Henri: No she won't! She's a bitch!
Samanosuke: Look, its either have faith in her, or just whine and accept your death.
Henri: DO I have a choice?
Samanosuke: No, no you don't.
*at the Zoo with a french name that I don't give a shit about*
Michelle: You know...it occurred to me...me and Henri were speaking English even while you weren't around, even though we were all clearly speaking French before you entered the picture...how is that possible?
Ako: Cause French people speak English ^_^?
Michelle: ...anyway, we're in the Zoo, so I guess there's going to be Demonic animals right?
*A DEMON GORILLA COMES OUT OF A CAGE*
Michelle: EAT LED YOU UGLY PIECE OF CRAP!
*It dies, Michelle explores for a bit, finds a bunch of useless items, and a Sniper Rifle, ultimately gets a boat*
Ako: So...why don't you and Henri get along?
Michelle: Cause his mother died in a car accident...
Ako: Oh, ok! That makes perfect sense!
Michelle: ...there's more to the story than that, you realize.
Ako: Oh, I get it! You crashed the car into her, didn't you?
Michelle: ...what? No! That's not it! She died protecting Henri, and he blamed himself, so now he just doesn't want a new mom!
Ako: Huh? You make no sense!
Michelle: But that's what happened...
*Boat stops moving, Fish Demons appear...then get shot to death*
Ako: Uh-oh, is the boat broken?
Michelle: Nah, its fine *she kicks the motor, it starts moving* see?
(This actually happens in the game.)
*Michellle reaches the jail*
Henri: Michelle! Yay!!
Michelle: Hang on, I'll get you out of here!
Samanosuke: ...what? You're just going to ignore me? Geez, its cause I'm asian, isn't it?
*they get out of Jail*
Henri: Michelle!!!
Michelle: Henri!!!
*The them from Chariot's of Fire plays as those two slowly run to a hug*
Skeletor: FOOLED YOU!!!! *Grabs both right before they hug*
Samanosuke: SKELETOR! GET BACK HERE!
Skeletor: A woman and a boy, perfect specimens. Ehehehehe! COME AND SAVE THEM IF YOU CAN SAMANOSUKE!
Samanosuke: Whelp, that diversion is done with, I guess I better go save those two...
*Samanosuke beats the shit out of a crap load of Demon Gorillas on his quest to reach those two, including running all the way across the Zoo to get ONE FUCKING KEY to open a door where the two were taken which was from a door in the exact room he started in*
Samanosuke: Capcom, why do you do this to me?
Skeletor: Because, you're the main character!
Samanosuke: Since when do you break the 4th wall?
Skeletor: ...SILENCE! YOU WILL NOT SAVE THESE TWO! NOW DIE!
Samanosuke: Wait, you mean...I'm about to have a boss fight...that's actually RELEVANT?
Skeletor: What about Ranmaru?
Samanosuke: He's relevant?
Skeletor: ...ok, I suppose I should have chosen a BETTER henchman to ressurect...maybe that Honda guy would have been better...but enough banther, LET THIS EPIC FATED CONFRONTA-...
*Samanosuke shoots a flaming arrow into Skeletor's face*
Skeletor: DAMN YOU SAMANOSUKE!!! *he "dies", Michelle and Henri get saved*
Michelle: Thank you Samanosuke, its finally over!
Samanosuke: No, its not. There's never just one freak of nature, or alternatively, they never die merely once. Here, can you take me to this spot? That's probably where they'll be.
Michelle: Uh, sure!
*they jump in Michelle's car!*
Ako: Hmm...you know, Henri, you should let go of the past.
Samanosuke: Holy crap, did you just say something useful?
Ako: ^_^
Henri: But I can't do that so easily!
Ako: Well, if I get an item from your mother, I can let you meet her one last time, do you have anything?
Henri: Uhh...dad might!
Ako: Oh, that's too bad. Guess we need to come up with a different...
Samanosuke: No, we don't; you just travel back to Jacques and get an item from him and bring it here, you have that power remember?
Ako: Oh, right!
*she goes back to Jacques*
Jacques: Hmm...an item from my dead wife? Uh, how about this ring she use to wear?
Ako: NO! It has to be something from her.
Jacques: ...just take the damn ring.
Ako: Oh, ok! I forget why I'm here anyway ^_^
*Back in the present, Ako does some weird shit with the ring*
Henri's Mother: Henri, stop being a little cry baby and move on with your life! Its not your fault I killed myself for you!
Henri: Its not? Ok, yay! I feel better!
Ako: There! Now you and Michelle should get along much better!
Samanosuke: Awww, isn't that happy...now if you excuse me, I got a cryptic castle in the middle of this city to overtake single handedly! You two stay here!
*Samanosuke charges into the castle...only to find he can't progress at all cause everything is locked*
Samanosuke: let me guess...all the objects I need exist 500 years ago, and you'll have to get Jacques get them for me, right?
Ako: YEP! Later!
*back with Jacques*
Jacques: Man, that was the smoothest ride ever, Demons should really go into the transportation business, cause they're much better at that than the whole World Domination thing...
Honda: AHA! ITS YOU!!!
Jacques: Oh, the guy who looks exactly like Misturugi from Soul Calibur.
Honda: Yes! NOW EN GUARDE!
Jacques: Wait, we're enemies now?
Honda: BUT OF COURSE!
Jacques: What makes you say that?
Honda: Because...uhh...*he looks up, sees a demon woman* ...because we are, OK!
*Half assed boss fight ensues*
Jacques: Ok, look, its quite clear you're not evil, just kind of psycho...
Honda: And you're not half bad a fighter!
Demon Woman: Heihachi, kill him already!
Honda: No.
Demon Woman: Why not? I'm your boss!
Honda: No you aren't.
Demon Woman: What?
Honda: I don't take orders, so I'm just sort of going to leave now.
Demon Woman: Bah, I don't need you, I'm going back to my slave labor.
Jacques: Say...this place...its in France...ARE WE BACK IN MY TIME!? *remembers he just fought Honda* ...no, no I'm not.
Ako: Good news! Samanosuke is here as well.
Jacques: Ah, will I meet him?
Ako: No, cause he's here 500 years from now ^_^!
Jacques: ...I see...well, guess I should explore this place or something
*Bunch of emblem puzzles and swapping back and forth between characters later, in the middle of which Jacques learns the weird demon woman's name is Vega Donna*
Vega Donna: Come you French, if you don't work, I'LL EAT YOUR SOUL! Now, I'm going to take a nap!
Jacques: ...did she just quite literally let me get a free pass into rescuing these guys?
French Slaves: Uh? We're saved? Ok, lets stop working and run into demon infested terroritory!!!
Jacques: yes! Do that! Hurry!
Vega Donna: What the...Demons are escaping? GET THEM MY GENERIC MINIONS!
Jacques: Oh no, generic genma, whatever will I do, if only I had ancient japanese weaponry of illogical elemental properties to fight them with...
Vega Donna: Yeah, you can't beat them cause you totally lack tho-...
*Jacques kicks their asses effortlessly with ancient japanese weaponry of illogical elemental properties*
Vega Donna: But you just said you didn't have those...
Jacques: ...I'm just going to pretend that sarcasm wasn't invented in the 16th century and casually leave now.
*He does exactly that, meanwhile back in the Future*
Hang Dude: Whoa man, its like...you again...
Samanosuke: How the hell did you get here? And since when did you talk like a stereotype hawaiin surfer? Wait, how do I even know what the hell Hawaii is?
Hang Dude: I just do, man! Now, are you like going to do my challenge...man?
Samanosuke: ...I guess I might as well kill time waiting for Jacques do his ACTUAL PLOT.
*back with the main plot*
Jacques: Ok, I have saved some slaves and *key comes flying towards him from nowhere* Huh? A useful object? Didn't expect that...
Honda: Here you go, there's more French Men in the area over in the front.
Jacques: ..why are you helping me now? Didn't we just sort of try to kill each other?
Honda: HA! You act as though I actually plan these things out! That's a good one!
Jacques: ...I'm gonna go do some more heroic stuff if you don't mind.
Honda: You go do that, I'm gonna fade away from significance again!
*more random Resident Evil like Emblem Puzzles later*
Jacques: Ok, we've not really run into any real competition in a while, something vile is afoot!
*a trap triggers, Jacques and Ako, despite her TIME TELEPORTING POWERS, are stuck in that room*
*back in 2004*
Henri: DAD NEEDS HELP! He's in trouble!
Michelle: What? Jacques' in trouble? But...he's 500 years in the past! How are we suppose to help him?
Henri: We just will, OK!? I'M GOING TO SAVE HIM!
Michelle: Not alone you aren't, I'm coming too! First, we need to find Samanosuke! He'll know what to do!
Henri: Ok!!!
Will Michelle and Henri find Samanosuke? Will Jacques die a painful death in this cliched trap room? Will Honda ever figure out if he's a villain or just some arbitrary ally? Will Ranmaru EVER serve a genuine purpose in this story?
Ranmaru: HEY! I'm already really important! I mean...look at me! I have a name and everything...I even have a zombiified version of myself!
...like I said, will Ranmaru EVER serve a genuine purpose in this story?
Ranmaru: ...aww...
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ONIMUSHA 3 ABRIDGED!
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I realize my writing is probably just sucking now, but I made a commitment and I'll stand by it! Next episode should be the last <_<