Wild Card
(3) Colts vs (6) Jets - Kind of abstract, because Colts are definitely on the ground which is not the Jets strong suit, but a Jet buzzing the pack at 100 feet should scare the crap out of them.
(4) Chiefs vs (5) Ravens - If they don't know archery, order a warrior who does know it to deal with Mr. Poe's friends.
(3) Eagles vs (6) Packers - What exactly are they packing? According to Wikipedia, meat, but I'm going to assume they're just harried travelers who have their EYES PECKED OUT OH GOD
(4) Seahawks vs (5) Saints - Uh. St. Francis could speak to the birds, so I'm going to assume he orders them to surrender here.
Divisional Finals
(1) Patriots vs (6) Jets - Patriots freakin' FLY the best Jets in the world go Air Force or something.
(2) Steelers vs (4) Chiefs - Considerably higher on the totem pole (har) than blue collar types.
(1) Falcons vs (5) Saints - More charmed birds.
(2) Bears vs (3) Eagles - Oh, good match. The finesse fighter darting from all directions on high vs. the lumbering powerhouse. However, it's winter, so I'm going to assume the Bears are still sleepy from hibernating.
Conference Championships
(1) Patriots vs (4) Chiefs - The Indian Wars are in competition for America's worst moments, but we know who won them.
(3) Eagles vs (5) Saints - WTF. St Francis collects an entire aviary, apparently. Not that the Bears would have done much better, Elisha totally commands some bears to maul kids mocking him.
Super Bowl
(1) Patriots vs (5) Saints - Does the First Amendment mean the Saints win, because they're free to spread the Word? Or that they lose because there's no mandatory school prayer? This game might be appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, but even in the "Saints win" interpretation, America wins too, so tiebreaking on that basis.
