2. "4chan likes it so it shouldn't be painful to read" lol
Well, they usually bash anything, so it should at least be an indication it's not terribad?
Still not a good measure of quality of writing. >_>
That said... very RPGish, but entertaining nonetheless? The writing honestly can be toned down quite a bit (Rule of Thumb: Subtlety=Good, and the more subtle the better). Aside from that, if you at least did the art and the writing, I'm quite impressed.
The following will be written as if I'm workshopping a story I've read in class. If you don't like the criticism, deal with it.
Any time you say "she looks like she's", that can be truncated down to "She is." The fewer points of view (in this case, the reader's->the point of view character's->the character doing the action) you make the reader go through, the more engaging the story ends up being. So, in this instance, you could say "A girl is sitting in my seat. She's reading a book, but also looking out the window." Or, better yet, "She's reading a book, pausing every now and then to look out the window." Also "quietly" can be removed from the following sentence. Another rule of thumb, the less adverbs the better.
Moreover, the less words the better. We (the audience, for lack of a better term) don't need to be told she has fierce eyes when she's staring at the point of view character. Similarly, "curiosity apparent on her face" can be truncated to "curiously." Brevity is the soul of wit, after all. I won't go over every instance of this, but it's good to keep in mind upon revision (and if you're not planning on revising this. . . . . .).
Also, alright is not a word, despite what the internet may tell you. >_>
Moving away from stylistic issues, the narrator could be more of a character than a figure for the audience to project themselves onto. We get some of Rachael's stories, but when it comes time to learn about the narrator all we get is some hand-waving and nothing else. I guess for a VN this is all right but if I were writing this as a story, this would be a major issue. Making the narrator a projection of the reader is okay to an extent but it makes it hard to actually do anything with the character. And, given the target audience (4chan/us/maybe others?), while it fits with the whole RPG pastiche... I think making the narrator stand out as a character more independent of the projections of the reader would make the whole story stronger.
Aside from that, I was pretty entertained. I think the story could go on for even longer (the ending feels too much like a "oh well I've written THIS MUCH so I'm going to stop" type of deal), but I enjoyed it nonetheless. My criticisms were intended to help you improve on the next draft (or whatever you would call it), but that doesn't mean you don't have something there.
To be honest, though, the VN format is pretty new to me, so yeah. I'm more used to writing and commenting on short stories and other types of prose, so if any of my comments feel inapplicable feel free to disregard them completely.
EDIT: I didn't really comment on the plot, but it's fine as it is. I just feel that with this sort of plot the PoV character needs to be more strongly written.
For the record, I do like the ending, and think the jump in time works pretty well. Content-wise it's mostly the PoV character that needs work, and I've already gone over how it can be improved stylistically.
