As we all know, any fool can fight and kill. But where do you go when you want to show off what you can do besides the rending and the maiming? RPG Heros of all stripes often have to do a variety of things in order to win the day, and here they can come to show them all off, and so we start on the pinnacle of variety, the arena where the Jack of All Trades shall have his day.
The Tournament of Randomness!
And so we start, not slow, but with a bang like any such tournament deserves. And remember folks, none of these matches are rigged, but all chosen by lot!
Match 1
Welcome to the show that's all about love! Where we guarantee that at least one contestant will not be going home alone! But, enough about that, let's meet our lucky bachelors!
Bachelor #1 is a well known scholar who says he likes forbidden magics, mad laughter, and long walks in his own pocket dimension with Choosers of the Slain. Let's give a warm welcome to Lezard Valeth!
Bachelorette #2 comes here all the way from 4-D space, where she says she likes wacky inventions and large mechanical hands on sticks, but just cannot stand fourth walls. Let's hear it for Welch Vineyard!
Well now, let's see which one of these two can manage to win at The Dating Game!
Match 2
Welcome to the Wonderful World of Pokemon!
So, I hear that you're starting a Pokemon Journey. My name is Professor Oak, most people call me the Pokemon Professor. And your name is?
Ah, yes, it's Lord Yuna!
And you like? Of course, you like manipulating ancient empires and killing Dragon Gods!
And of course, since you were young you've had that rival, what is his name?
Yes, King Trode. He likes wandering the world with his lone vassal and daughter, trying to break a curse.
Now the two of you will go forth on your very own Pokemon journey, seeking to defeat all eight gyms and best the elite four, surrounded by your pokemon, learning courage, teamwork and friendship. Of course, there can only be one pokemon champion, so work hard and perhaps it can be you!
Match 3
There was never any chance, the Dark Lord's forces were simply too strong, his artifact too full of doom, and that force of nature simply too torrential for any real chance of it ever being stopped. No normal man, or ever extraordinary man could ever have had a chance of success.
But, all this means is that when you succeed, it'll be the stuff of legends. And all you need to do is break the rules.
Technobabble, Deus Ex Machina, Screwing of the Rules, call it what you will, but when the chips are down, it's what heros do. And now it's time to stand up and do it.
Two men now face these impossible odds.
One man, one mech, one mission. Richard Hawk, the Vice President of these Great United States of America now must stand alone against the overwealming force of the terrorist Metal Wolf. And only his ingenuity at doing the impossible can save the day.
Though always an aide, and never a leader, Ranulf is the lead troubleshooter for all the generals he's helped. And one doesn't survive the situations he gets put into without doing the implausible and at least dabbling in the impossible.
But which of these two will do the best at screwing the rules?
Match 4
The hall it was rented, and they were presented, as the kind of debaters most folks would enjoy. But an argument can only end with one person's points being pointier.
He may not look like much, but Ramus the Merchant was known for his hard bargains and sharp wits, having become the foremost merchant in all of Althena's domain from a humble start in the middle of nowhere simply through sheer determination and good instincts.
But, he's up against a master of seduction in the beautiful Wings of Valmar. Millenia is easy on both the eyes and the ears, as she shows her mastery of both the carrot and the stick in convincing those around her that her way is the right way.
In a war of words and ideas, shall it be the beauty or the geek that triumphs?
Match 5
Sometimes, one has to do well when exchanging words with another. And sometimes, you just have to be able to make one good speech.
Going first is the Strong Arm Alchemist of Amestris, Major Armstrong. Though his alchemy will likely not help him here, there's doubtless some Armstrong technique of monologuing he'll be happy to show off.
And his opponent... is a cat. Ok, fine, it's a time travelling cat. Look, all I'm saying is that those things are devious and it probably has something planned.
Match 6
Tales abound of the legendary feats pulled off in the gladiatorial arena. Where two fighters clash in a show of arms, showing prowess as will be talked off for ages.
This will not be one of those fights.
In one corner stands the slight figure of Cecilia Lynn Adelhyde. Her magic forbidden today in favour of her weapon of choice; a stick. However, despite her lack of weapons training or even any kind of upper body strength she does have one advantage over her foe. Her life as a Drifter/Dream Chaser has at least kept her active and fit.
The same cannot be said for Queen Brahne, who is notoriously unfit and also never fights against her foes herself. However, Brahne does have the advantages that at least she dresses properly for a fight such as this, and her multiple layers of flab will probably make her impervious to attack. The question is, can she catch her foe.
And so, we settle in for what will probably be a memorable fight, if not one that either participant will really want to remember.
Match #7
The fine art of the non sequitir is a hard one to master. Even more so when it ostensibly has to sound like it's continuing the conversation when a second listen will tell you it really isn't. That is the heart of the non-sense contest. To make it sound like you're talking with someone when what you say actually has nothing to do with anything they've said to you at all.
Heading into this, Captain Matthews is the clear favourite, not only does he have a long career as a boozer to teach him the lessons of illogic, and long years of captaining a ship, but he's also seen the example of the master of nonsense, Shion.
Of course, while Mystina is a highly logical person, she's also highly dedicated to being the best. And she too has had the example of a master of the art, Lezard Valeth.
Match 8
Let's get ready to rock!
Tonight, the World Wrestling Federation is holding its title bout! And what a fight it's going to be!
That's right, Jim! And our first contestant has to be the favourite. Crawling out from Crysta Blue, this Ark the Dark has it all! Jumping, running, dodging and more moves than you can shake a fist at!
I dunno, Bob! His specialty is spear fighting and magic, and neither of those are allowed in the ring!
Well, they don't call him the Dark for nothing, and that's not even getting into his cheering section. His buddies aren't known for playing by the rules, and some of 'em are beasts, literally!
Well, even if the ref does look the other way, I don't think he's got this match won just yet.
Whaddya mean, his opponent's a middle aged woman. No way she can beat a man in his prime!
No way, folks where she's from all look one heck of a lot older than they actually are. And she's feisty, but that's not all. Her trained weapon is the frying pan, and that's translated wonderfully to the most devastating weapon in the WWF!
You don't mean...
Yes! The folding chair!
Well, Jim, I think we can both agree on this being one heck of a fight! And here comes the Ref to start the match!
Quick Vote Form
1: Lezard Valeth v Welch Vineyard - The Dating Game
2: Yuna (BoF4) v King Trode - Complete a Pokemon Journey
3: Richard Hawk v Ranulf - Applied Technobabble/Deus Ex Machinaing
4: Millenia v Ramus (Lunar) - Debate
5: Major Armstrong v Crono's Cat - Monologuing
6: Queen Brahne v Cecilia Lynn Adelhyde - Gladiatorial Deathmatch
7: Captain Matthews v Mystina - Nonsense Contest
8: Ark v Yang's Wife - WWF Wrestling
