Usual disclaimer about artistic style, that every style under the sun has been made to work, and while a good edit has helped many an author, many authors have been good precisely because they ignored conventional wisdom, etc. etc.
That story is overwritten. Taken in isolation, any sentence is defensible... but in combination it feels tiring to read. Too many adjectives, too much going on. You're drawing too much attention to your *writing* and not the *story*. Readers find simple verbs like "said" pretty much invisible and let the dialogue / plot just flow into their head. Which is not to say that a richly detailed scene is bad, but you're overdoing it here. Plus, sometimes adjectives
weaken the result; take "far more" below. You'd think it strengthens "elaborate," but it just distracts from "elaborate". As a sample rewrite...
The upper floors were relatively low key, mostly consisting of undecorated reception rooms and meeting rooms that served purely utilitarian needs.
The lower floors, on the other hand, were a far more elaborate maze of training rooms and testing rooms designed to allow the optimal simulation of danger that an adventurer might experience, while ensuring that the likelihood of would-be-hero dying was kept at bare a minimum.
I'd suggest:
The upper floors were low key, consisting of drab meeting rooms, a reception hall, and closets. The lower floors, on the other hand, were an elaborate maze of training rooms designed to simulate the danger an adventurer might experience, while ensuring that the likelihood of a would-be-hero dying was kept at a bare minimum.
But that's just one turn of phrase. This kind of change should probably be made in a lot of the story.
Of course, the relative power of such organizations was a constant concern, hence the need for a strict licensing procedures.
What I noted before about adjectives. Toss out "relative!" The
power of such organizations! It's a matter of concern! No need to weaken the point! (And relative to what, anyway?) (Also kill the "a" before strict, and consider replacing "constant" with "serious" or "major" as well.)
The fact was that a successful adventurer tended to be very rich, which made sense, given that an unsuccessful adventurer tended to be very dead.
Eh. This line has too much (rimshot) (cue laughtrack) to it. Maybe cut the "very"s, or just rework it.
Also, what Grefter said on commas.
Given that this part of the licensing procedure was purely bureaucratic, he figured it was much easier to just let Kiyone, and, since he apparently wanted to be metaphorically connected to the cat-girl's hip, Leon, have free reign for a bit.
Take this sentence back out behind the shed and shoot it, please.
It at least gave him the peace to try and solve the licensing procedure in the space of his own mind.
Is solve the verb you want here? Perhaps just "peace to ponder the licensing procedure?"
He had to yield though, the man had a perfect poker face, not a single muscle behind his graying beard twitching in a way that revealed anything about his thoughts.
This is grammatically incorrect as it stands (unless you're being artistic). Since you go into the past tense in the next sentence anyway, try "He had to yield, though; the arbiter had a perfect poker face. Not a single muscle behind his graying beard twitched." (Readers should hopefully already know what a poker face means, no need to explain twice. And you say that "the man" is the arbiter 5 paragraphs later, but the main character should know this already; no need to keep the reader in suspense.)
You'd never expect it, what with her being a super strong beast wrapped in the body of a petite girl
Careful with "super strong." This story feels serious while super strength brings to mind either cheesy 60s comics or YGOTAS type humor. This line is also a rather awkward way to remind the reader what Kiyone is; we already know she's a supernaturally strong catgirl (though not, I guess, that she's petite). This also brings up a world-building question: why wouldn't "you" expect it? Are most catgirls not unnaturally strong? Or are most catgirls not thoughtful? (Remember, whatever the norm is for catgirls in this society is what Leon would think, he's not from 2010 Earth.)
The noble women of Rinta were supposed to be reserved and quiet. They behaved in a, he couldn't think of another word for it, proper manner. He'd never really dealt with a girl like her before, and he had no conception of how to act.
Either you mean "noblewomen" or else Leon is impossibly quaint and 1860s British. Try just "women" if you weren't referring to nobles. And is Rinta Leon's homeland? If so, he should *know* ("the noblewomen of Rinta were reserved and quiet."). If Rinta is Kiyone's homeland instead, then why does Leon switch from "supposed to be" to the factual-sounding "They behaved in a proper manner?" And then the third sentence doesn't really connect, as if Leon never dealt with Rinta women before, then he wouldn't necessarily be surprised by Kiyone's behavior. I mean, if he is surprised, it's due to experiences from his own travels, not from what it's like in Kiyone's homeland.
It was impossible to deny that there wasn't something there that attracted him to her, though.
Triple negative - do you really mean that there's nothing that attracted Leon to Kiyone? Try "was" not "wasn't." Also squick warning for a short story when you don't have time to get into how this works more deeply. You might want to wimp out and leave it at "There was no denying she was a unique girl" or something.
Anyway, for all that nitpicking, the story is fine. Good luck with it.
