Legend of Dragoon, Anal Fisting Edition -
So Albert tells us about his experiences in being trained in the spear with Lavitz and then he meets this girl he had a crush on who has turned into a giant bitch. Weird. Haschel and Dart are all like "OMG, MY MOTHER IS NAMED CLAIRE" "OMG MY DAUGHTER IS NAMED CLAIRE" and Albert's like "What the fuck ever dudes, statisically speaking there are 550000 women in the world and 4% are named Claire it's probably a coincidence". I think Albert is a geek, he just pulled out stats on the morons.
So Dart gets his Dragoonin' stolen while travelling, so we have to chase the perpetrators and kick their asses. We get an obnoxious child in our party and she and Haschel hang out. Then we talk to Princess Lisa, who tells us her family has been acting weird, and we gain entrance into the thieves' hideout. Princess Emille, the obvious doppleganger princess, is a total heathen and a genuinely terrible actor. Maybe her dad is possessed or something, he seems to not care. We go kick some Geireich (Hashcel's student) ass and then we get a couple of great lines. Kongol saves us and Meru's like "I guess Kongol's attracted to you, Dart!" followed by about two minutes later of Geireich saying "I am glad to ... receive your fist, Master..." Ummmmm....
So we get the Dragoon spirit back and find some dude in the cave, but we still have to prevent Dominatrix Man from getting the Moon Dagger! So we save Emille and then we fight Lenus. Lenus was pretty hard but Dragoon Dart red-field magic and has fire physicals = boom dead Lenus. We then go on a boat where shenanigans ensue, Rose trolls Shana by saying she is thinking about Dart, Meru tries to cause a rift between Shana and Dart, and Albert is nerdy. Haschel has modestly dumb flashbacks about his daughter who he is a giant dick to. So we get hit by a PHANTOM SHIP, this has never happened before in an RPG. The ship dweller ghosts seem to like Shana and hate Rose. Terrible taste in humans if you ask me.
So we fight some bosses and hard random encounters and go back to the town with the stupid king. Turns out he is just indeed a total fucking moron. Albert sits on the bed with Emille and I realize he is a) attracted to girls and b) better in every way than me. This sucks, I should kick him out of the party. Or just USE MAGIC ON HIM AND HE'LL DIE his mdef is sub-kongol. So we go into a Water Cave and kill Lenus again or something. Then... we head to beautiful theocracy land, where there is a huge library, and again Albert nerds out. It's kyute. Rose checks out my hometown, Meru is a WINGLY SPOILERS AND SPOILERS WINGLIES ARE GIGANTIC DICKWADS. This game needs more Dominatrix Man.