A record of the rule of an awe-inspiring Koopa King, part 6 (and final):
Dear diary,
So last time I defeated Fawful and obtained the power of the Dark Star. By eating it. This may not have been that good an idea.
Eventually, Chippy did something to jar the Dark Star loose from inside of me, and I spat it out again. When I did, though, it took on the form of... oh hell no. It did not just do that. It took on the form of me! (Only not as attractive). And to make matters worse, he immediately grabs inhales the princess and runs off with her! Why does every two-bit villain think he can steal my gig? Anyway, this kingdom isn't big enough for two Bowsers, so I decided there was one more loser I needed to punch in the face. He ran outside the castle, and I headed out to follow him...
And as I did, I heard that annoying laugh again. Seems Fawful had recovered from his last punch to the face and wanted more. As I cornered him, though, he babbled something about SUPER PEACH'S CASTLE OF FAWFULIZATION. I turned around just in time to see Peach's castle come to life, grow giant Fawful eyes, arms, and legs, and fly over to crush me. Yeah, bring it, you dumb castle, we all know what happens when someone tries to crush Bowser by now!
Anyway the stupid giant robotic castle tried to summon black holes to suck me in, but I punched him the face as he summoned the second so it appeared behind him, and we had a duel, mano a mano. I have always wanted to do some serious damage to this castle and I love punching anything like looks like Fawful in the face, so this was pretty much killing two birds in one stone. Best of all, this fight occurred in sight of Toad Town where all the little twerps were running around like maniacs. I love my life, sometimes.
The castle defeated, I returned to my normal size and headed to search for either Fawful or the evil version of me, whichever got in range of my fist first. This turns out to be Fawful, back in the conference room where all this mess began. He's now wearing a stupid cape and binoculars attached to the top of his head, hunting for the rest of the Dark Star's power. As if I'd let him get his hands on that! Cornern calls me a fink-rat (that is so 2003) and says I keep appearing like an ugly rabbit from the hat of a magician who stinks (yeah whatever), but none of this keeps me from punching his face off in our long-awaited showdown!
After the battle, the twerp is reduced to a tiny little core of darkness (still has those stupid swirly glasses and still speaks like a moron, though). Right when I'm about to go finish him off, the evil me appears and promptly inhales him, then talks about how he's "finally complete". Well, that's not good. He runs off, so of course I have to follow him.
I finally corner him at the top of Peach's castle, where he promptly uses his evil powers to summon a hurricane of darkness surrounding us. Oh yeah! Perfect backdrop for a sweet final battle. Chippy says I can rely on him and for a moment I think I hear Mario and Green Stache agreeing, but that has to be my imagination. So the evil me and I drop the gloves and battle for supremacy of the kingdom and the Dark Star's power. He's certainly no joke, as he has dark versions of all my minions and many of my own moves, and worse the evil remnants of Fawful appear periodically and restore him. A fatal mistake on the party of that little evil twerp, though, as he's now small enough for me to vacuum up with my awesome inhaling powers! I'm only able to hold him in for a few moments, but every time he emerges he's more beaten up (my awesome immune system at work!) until finally he doesn't emerge at all, and the evil me keels over weakly. At that point, I know what I have to do.
I walk over to him and punch him in the face. And again. And again. And again. And one last time, so hard that the impostor damn well explodes. A bit of a waste to destroy the power that might have let me conquer the kingdom, but whatever, I still needed that, after how bad this week has been. And besides, I've learned I don't need any dark power to be awesome. After all, even without it, victory, and Princess Peach, are mine! Then, from inside me, I hear a voice...
"Fawful tried... Fawful gave the 110 percents... Fawful worked the overtime... Fawful was the team player... Fawful put in the hours... Fawful got the hands dirty... Here Fawful goes... The disappearing... Forever disappearing... WITH YOU!"
And an explosion rocks my gut so hard I'm forced to spew up what feels like every meal I've ever eaten (and that's a lot). And to my horror, out come Mario, Green Stache, some girly Pacman reject, and worst of all, dozens of Toads. Gross! I won't be able to keep solid food down for weeks after seeing that!
The princess and the Toads run off as those stupid plumbers try to hold me off. I took a few knicks and scratches but I definitely got the better of them this time, though! I think. I don't remember for sure though, and the next thing I remembered, I was back in my castle, being nursed back to health by my once-again loyal minions.
But you know what? Despite the fact that another plot to control the Kingdom failed, I'm okay with this. As lame as this week has been from a personal embarrassment and betrayal perspective, I got to get out a lot, gained a whole bunch of cool new powers, and got to show TWO different villains why nobody, but nobody, upstages the king of awesome. And I think I set new personal bests for face-punching and lighting-morons-on-fire, especially if castles animated by mad science count for extra.