Mario and Luigi 3 Bowser's Inside Story
Dear diary,
So today has been a really, really bad day. Princess Peach called a meeting to deal with a public health crisis and forgot to call me! Don't I live in this kingdom too? When I dropped in on her meeting to let her know that she'd wronged me, she had her lapdog plumber attack me! And as if that's not enough, she used some cowardly magic to weaken me so he'd beat my easily! Grrr... I bet she's been doing that every time I've fought Mario! It's the only way to explain my losses!
Anyway, after I was unceremoniously thrown out of her castle (for the crime of... showing up? Scaring some Toads? I'm still not sure), this merchant offered to sell me a mushroom which would give me the power to beat Mario. Now, I never should have trusted this guy, but I was angry, and weak. I figured if that royal brat and moustache man could cheat, then I could too! So I went back and challenged Mario again, and... I'm not exactly sure what happened next. Some voice in my head calling itself Chippy told me I ate everyone, but I'm not sure I believe that crock. It doesn't matter much anyway. What DOES matter is I lost my ability to breathe fire! I'm a lean, mean, fire-breathing machine, so this was absolutely unacceptable!
But ooh, what really gets me? That merchant who sold me the mushroom showed up again and said he had taken over my castle! I am so. blasted. SICK of people taking over my castle. Apparently my minions put up a pathetic fight in the castle's defence, which honestly sounds about right. (I need better minions.) The merchant (who is named Fawful and talks like a complete moron, by the way) showed me my captive minions on a TV he was carrying around, and said that he had prepared a crying room in my castle for me and my minions! A crying room! Who does he think he is? Powerful, muscular, and intelligent koopa kings don't cry, as we all know! Anyway, he ranted about having chortles and flew off. This guy is messed up. I don't think I've ever been barred from my own home from someone who is this much of a nutjob.
Anyway, around this time that weird voice in my head said that it had fixed my fire-breathing ability, and wouldn't you know it, the voice was right! First good thing that happened all day. But then! I offered to make him my new minion and he turned me down. I made sure to rescind the offer immediately, as I'd never live it down if word got out that anyone turned down an offer to be my minion. My street cred would be ruined.
So I breathed fire on a lot of idiots, and punched the ones that couldn't be lit on fire, and life was good. Fawful's minions are no match for me! I even discovered and rescued one of my sets of minions, the goomba squad! Now I can show enemies the true might of the Koopa Troop. Our secret weapon is for all the goombas to charge, and I light the goombas on fire as they do so for an unstoppable, firey assault! I am such a genius, sometimes I amaze myself!
I found a second group of my minions. These ones were too useless for anything related to combat or recon, a pack of grade-A morons. But they had managed to save a banzai bill launcher from my castle! We just needed a banzai bill to use as ammo. I sent them off to look for one but of course they didn't find one, the useless buffoons. I have to do everything myself! So I went looking, and I found a veggie garden. And in this veggie garden was a huge carrot, twice as big as me (which is very impressive, as you know). So I pulled the carrot out to use as a makeshift banzai bill. For some reason this pissed off a wiggler who was some sort of gardener. I don't really understand why, what does he see in some useless veggies? I was about to light the moron on fire, but then he said that he had a banzai bill, and he'd give it to me... as long as I showed "respect" for his weird lifestyle by eating the carrot I had pulled.
Now, I hate veggies, but I'm a reasonable koopa king. I honour my word. This guy wanted to trade my eating of this gross overgrown root for a banzai bill? Yeah, I could do that. So I ate the whole thing. It made me really sick; that "Chippy" voice says it had parasites, which sounds right. And after I had finished? Get this: the wiggler attacked me, prattling on about "how dare you pull out my veggies without permission and then eat them". Um, earth to idiot caterpillar! YOU were the one who insisted I eat the damn thing! And it nearly killed me! Fortunately after I introduced him to the unstoppable might of Bowser's fist, he remembered his deal and gave me my banzai bill.
So I got back to my cannon, and I fired it at my castle, planning to show Fawful who was boss. Now - and this is where shit gets weird - right before the banzai bill made impact, the castle jumped and avoided it! And then it flew through the air. And then it fell on me.
... I think I might be dead.