Pandora's Tower: Another tower down! HA! TAKE THAT WATER DUNGEON THAT HAD NO SWIMMING INVOLVED!
Radiant Historia: TIME FOR ANOTHER ABRIDGED SERIES BY MEEPLE! As a reminder, this done entirely for laughs, will probably not be that funny in-spite of that,and does not necessarily reflect my opinion of the game, so if you think I'm being too hard or over-hating, keep in mind, I have already decided to overhate it before playing it so the game had no chance to begin with!
No seriously, it doesn't reflect my opinion, so don't get defensive!*Desert scene*
FEmale Elf: The world is dead
Male Elf: I know
Female Elf: Wanna try again?
Male: Ok.
*insert exposition here about war here, but more importantly, CHARACTER TIME!*
Old Dude: Hey STocke, I have a mission for you, OUR GREATEST SPECIAL FORCE SOLDIER!
Stocke: Wait, since when am I the greatest Heiss?
Heiss: Since you're the main character of the game. I mean, you ARE wearing Red and this game did originate in Japan so...
Stocke: What the hell are you talking about?
Heiss: ...nevermind. Here, go meet up with this contact that will tell us about Grangor Weapons. WE MIGHT BE ATTACKED!
Stocke: Ok. Going to do it then.
Heiss: BUT TAKE THIS BOOK BEFORE YOU GO! IT IS THE WHITE CHRONICLE AND-...
STocke: ...it's blank...
Heiss: What?
Stocke: It's blank. You gave me a blank book with a fancy name. Are you going senile?
Heiss: Look, just take it, it's important!
Stocke: ...how? I coudl take any random book off the shelf and it'll be more useful than this.
Heiss: It's a Good Luck Charm, ok? Just think of it that way.
Stocke: You're not going to stop this conversation until I say yes, aren't you?
Heiss: No, no I am not.
Stocke: Fine! I'm off to do this SOLO MISS-...
Heiss: By the way, your partners are outside...
Stocke: ...not that I have anything against allies, but next time, why not tell me that at the beginning?
*Stocke leaves room*
Stocke: Ok, so where are these supposed allies of mine.
Girl: Hi, are you Stocke?
Stocke: Yes, and you are?
Girl: I'm Raynie, and this is Marco!
Stocke: Ok, I'm fine with you but...Marco? A kid? What use can he have?
Marco: I can heal?
Stocke: Fair enough! Let's go do that mission thing! *vision of Raynie and Marco dead* ...wait, the hell? Why am I getting these visions? Ah I'm sure it is TOTALLY NOT FORESHADOWING FOR A TRAGIC INCIDENT IN THE NEAR FUTURE THAT WILL BE THE LEAD INTO SOMETHING BIGGER! Anyway, off we go!
?: No, stop, don't go yet!
Stocke: Huh? Who said that?
Big Suit Of Armor: Stocke, I have a bad feeling about this!
STocke: OH GOD WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME!?
Big Suit of Armor: ...it's me, Rosch...you know...your best friend?
Stocke: ...OH! RIGHT! YOU! Why are you dressed like that?
Rosch: I always dress like this.
Stocke: You do?
Rosch: Yes, especially since I lost my arm in battle in that tragic incident, and now have a Thaumetech one.
Stocke: ...that arm of yours is mechanical?
Rosch: Yes, isn't it obvious?
Stocke: Not when you're dressed like that!
Rosch: Anyway, I have a bad feeling Stocke, and whenever I have a bad feeling about soldiers, THEY DIE!
Stocke: HA! Like that could happen to me!
Rosch: Well, I guess it's possible you could just be seriously injured and come back alive...like I did with this arm...that changed my life forever...my poor arm...
Stocke: Again with the arm thing...look, I'll be fine, ok? SEE? I'M SMILING! HAPPY! GOOD! FINE!
Rosch: (...he's doomed...)
*one overworld sequence later*
Stocke: THERE'S A FLAMING MECHANICAL CHICKEN! KILL IT!
Marco: Why?
Stocke: Because it's dangerous!
Marco: No it's not; it looks pretty tame.
Stocke: But it will attack us!
Raynie: It's just sitting right there; we can walk right past it and it won't notice us.
Stocke: THE THING IS DANGEROUS I SWEAR!
Marco: Looks rather weak actually...
Stocke: Ok, look, we need a forced fight for the sake of a tutorial ok?
Raynie/Marco: Oooooh.
*one tutorial fight later*
Stocke: So, let's finish this mission!
High Colonel Dias: Now to ominously appear during a rain moment! Please note my SILVER BISHIE HAIR and my sword! It is probably strongly indicative of my role in the story!
Palomides the Executioner: Sir, your hair is clearly yellow though...
Dias: IT'S PRACTICALLY WHITE IN THE ART OK!? Anyway, let us enact our CLEARLY NOT OMINOUS PLAN!
Palomides: You mean crush our enemies outright with superior everything?
Dias: ...yes, yes I do...
*shift to Stocke's crew*
Stocke: So, we're suppose to meet the guy here?
Raynie: Believe so.
Stocke: Know anything about the person?
Marco: Well, he's suppose to have a bunch of guards! We just need to escort them to Alistar (Meeple Note: I apologize if I butchered the name, still getting use to locales and such)
Spy Person: Except they were all killed along the way due to an ambush and I'm all that's left...
Marco: ...or the person comes alone and we have to protect them, but that's not a problem, right?
Stocke: Something feels wrong about this...oh I'm sure it's nothing big.
Raynie: ...hey STocke, fork in the road. North is the direct way home but...
Spy Person: They probably are waiting for us there..
Stocke: Right, we go South, which while less direct, should avoid contact with the enemy and...
*Arrow kills Spy Person from the south*
Stocke: ...we fail at our mission out right and are now fighting for our lives OH GOD! Quick! You two stay here, I'll go scout the area!
Raynie: Wouldn't it make more sense for us to go together?
Stocke: NO! Because you need to guard the corpse!
*Stocke investigates area to south*
Stocke: Alright you cowardly snipers, where are you!? Don't make me go all Protagonist on your asses! ...seems they've run away. Oh well, path seems cle-*sees a blockade*...right, guess that options out. Things can't be easy...and suddenly I remember Raynie and Marco being dead in that image...I don't like where this is going.
*Stocke returns*
Raynie: So, we going south?
Stocke: Well, see, Blockade down there so...
Marco: We have to bust through the enemies up north?
Stocke: Yes, let's do it despite how suicidal it is! Not like we have any other choice...
*the group goes north, battle ensues, Stocke gets hurt some*
Stocke: Hey Marco, heal me please!
Marco: I can't!
Stocke: ...why not? Aren't you the healer?
Marco: I don't know any healing spells!
Stocke: ...then why did you...oh not worth it, let's just end this fight.
*They win*
Stocke: There's a lot of them but they can't beat us at all!
Palomides: Yes, but I can!
Dias: Do you not know dramatic entrances or tact at all?
Palomides: I'm a big hulking guy who kills things, none of that applies to me! Look, just sit back and let me deal with these pests ok?
Dias: Fine fine...
Stocke: ...I think we're screwed...
*Palomides glows black*
Stocke: Umm...I'm guessing talking this over is out of the question?
Palomides: Hello, Executioner here!
Stocke: So...unwinnable plot fight?
Palomides: Unwinnable plot fight.
*Palomides kills Raynie and Marco, seriously wounds Stocke*
Stocke: Crap, gotta retreat...sorry guys.
*Palomides pursues and corners Stocke on bridge with help of guards*
Palomides: Running away to save your own hide...clever, but fruitless.
Stocke: ok, I can't win this fight, I'm too injured to beat those mooks over there...maybe I should slice the ropes on the bridge and try to kill him alongside me...or I'll just jump and accomplish nothing...yeah that option is sounding good, BYE! *jumps*
Palomides: He won't live, but find his body just in case and assume he's dead if he doesn't.
Generic Guard: Sir, isn't that what gets all villains like you killed eventually?
Palomides: ...*murders the Generic Guard* Anyone else?
*Stocke awakens in an Escher painting*
Stocke: Ok...where am I? Let's retrace what happened. Mission, failed mission, dead allies, jumped off bridge with serious injuries...oh...
Male Elf: You have awoken, KEEPER OF THE WHITE CHRONICLE!
STocke: Um...what?
Female Elf: KEEPER OF THE WHITE CHRONICLE! HE WHO CONTROLS FATE!
Stocke: ...I'm confused...can you at least tell me your names?
Male Elf: I'm Teo.
Female Elf: I'm Lippiti.
Stocke: ...and am I dead?
Teo: No, but you could be!
Stocke: That's not helping...
Lippiti: You failed at your mission...or did you?
Stocke: No, I'm pretty sure I failed.
Teo: But this point can fluctuate. You hold the White Chronicle, you can erase those moments by going the other way!
Stocke: Uh, what?
Lippiti: JUST TURN LEFT!
Stocke: Oh, so you mean I should head south...even though that was on my right...but it's too late to do that.
Teo: We can send you back and you can make the decision again. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO SO!
Stocke: I'm still lost...what is this place anyway?
Teo: Irrelevant, sending you back now with the White Chronicle!
Lippiti: Remember, TURN LEFT! When you have the chance, TURN LEFT!
Stocke: BUT SOUTH WAS RIGHT-...wait, I'm back out in the field...ok, that was probably just a dream...and I'm still wounded. Wait, why am I not by a river...this place looks familiar. *Stocke looks to the side, sees Raynie, Marco, and Spy Person alive* ...ok, this is just weird...wait, I remember...TIME FOR HEROICS!
Raynie: ...hey Stocke, fork in the road. North is the direct way home but...
Stocke: NO TIME TO WASTE! ARROWS COMING! GET DOWN! *Stocke jumps into middle of arrows for no good reason, seeing as Spy Person jumped down and avoided arrows*
Generic Enemy Archer: CRAP! They knew about us!? HOW! OUR PLAN WAS FLAWLESS!
Stocke: There's something I'm suppose to do here...
Voice of Lippiti: TURN LEFT!
Stocke: Right! Gotta go South! So guys...chase them, now! Can't let them get away!
Generic Enemy Archer: WE REFUSE TO BE CAUGHT! *They suicide*
Stocke: ...and yet, they had plenty of time to run away...ah well. Wait, there was a flaw in this turning south plan...
Marco: Hey Stocke, the area is barricaded off; this is too well planned for a simple attack...
Stocke: Right, that! Umm...so can the combined strength of us push this?
Lippiti: TURN LE-...
Teo: *smacks Lippiti* He already did that!
Lippiti: Oh, right...this is where we Deus Ex Machina his way out of the situation, isn't it?
Teo: Yes, yes it is. Hey Stocke, want super powers?
Stocke: Um, maybe?
Lippiti: TOO BAD NOW YOU HAVE SUPER STRENGTH! PUSH THE BARRICADE!
Stocke: ...ok *he does so* Wait, if you guys can do that, why didn't you just change the past yourself?
Teo: We can't deal with problems directly, ONLY HELP OUT!
Stocke: Uh-huh...
Raynie: Stocke, who are you speaking too?
Stocke: Would you believe me if I told you some time elves?
Teo: DO NOT TELL HER OF THE WHITE CHRONICLE!
Stocke: What? It's not like she will believe me...
Raynie: Actually, that makes perfect sense.
Stocke: Oh, well, because that's totally NOT what is happening. Nope! Just an adrenaline rush! I totally didn't go through these events just 10 minutes ago with catastrophic results!
Raynie: Well, you're not being suspicious, let's get going!
*They get back to town without a hitch*
Stocke: Mission success, whoo! And-...why am I back in an Escher Painting?
Teo: You succeeded, good job!
Lippiti: Yes, and just so you know, you can only go back in time to fixed points, because time is in flux!
Stocke: Why are my wounds still here? I changed the past!
Teo: You changed the world's past, but your personal past remains!
Stocke: So...if I die, it's game over? But if someone else dies, I can be all "ABORT MISSION! RETRY!" until I get it right?
Lippiti: Pretty much! You are the keeper of the White Chronicle after all, you have this power, use it wisely!
Stocke: So if I'm the guy controlling time...do I get a nice blue box that is bigger on the inside of which to move around in?
Teo: No, NOW GET BACK TO REALITY!
Stocke: Back to reali-...oh, hi everyone! Was I asleep?
Raynie: Yes, you passed out due to wounds we have no clue how you got.
Marco: Yeah, and my healing powers couldn't save you, but MEDICAL SCIENCE COULD!
Stocke: But...Marco...we established you can't actually heal worth crap anyway...
Marco: I leveled up, so I learned how to use healing!
Stocke: I uhh...sure, why not.
Heiss: Ah, good, you two go, I need to speak to Stocke alone *they leave* So Stocke...was the WHITE CHRONICLE USEFUL FOR YOU!?
Stocke: (crap, he knows of the White Chronicle, he must want to use it for bad! They told me to never talk about it.) Well...you know...it was totally a good luck charm. Yep! Almost tripped over a rock, but managed to get on my feet! Totally good luck! I'd have tripped without it!
Heiss: And...?
Stocke: It's just a book...that gives good luck...THAT'S IT!
Heiss: I see...well, ok, I'll take your word for it!
*meanwhile, at the enemy castle*
Protea: I'm the queen of what is likely thje evil empire. Excuse me as I flaunt my evilness.
Eurica: Um, is that really wise doing that? I don't see any logic in your actions.
Protea: SHUT UP AND LEAVE! This is all cryptic stuff to happen later in the game.
Eurica: Really? I thought it was just a chance to force out an intro for the 3 of us.
Protea: Three? There's only two here.
Selvan: Yo. I'm here too. Dunno what the hell I am yet.
(If It's not obvious, I don't remember what the hell they talked about there, just Eurica yelling at Protea, then Selvan commenting on the scenario after she leaves, I apologize for the poorly written scene.)
*Stocke rests, and leaves room*
Stocke: Ah, time for a normal day.
Girl with Leaf Crown: HI STOCKE! YOU'RE BACK ALIVE!
Stocke: Hi Sonja...what's with the shouting?
Sonja: BECAUSE I LIKE SPEAKING THIS WAY!
Stocke: Can you...not?
Sonja: Ok, fine. Are you better?
Stocke: Yep! Nothing can go wrong now!
Alistarian Soldier: STOCKE! DIE!!!
Stocke: Wait what? A Traitor!?
AS: Ahaahah! ACTIVATE SUPER POWER NOW! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW!?
Stocke: Umm...this looks ominous...
*knife nearly hits guy*
Rosch: Stop this at once, or you'll have to fight me.
AS: I MUST KILL STOCKE! *dies and turns to sand*
Stocke: ...awkward....
Sonja: That looks like the Sand Disease of people turning to sand when they die!
Rosch: Isn't that just a myth?
Sonja: Well, I think what happens is he ran out of Mana before dying, so his body just turned to sand. Normally, people die, and the mana leaves them, here it was the other way around.
Stocke: Well, that's just plain weird...
Rosch: by the way, Stocke, I'm going to be promoted...wanna join my ranks?
Stocke: But I'm working under Heiss, he won't be happy.
Rosch: I can pull some strings...but only if
you want to.
Stocke: I don't know...
Rosch: Think about it and tell me. I won't force you to do anything you don't want.
Stocke: If only there was a sign to indicate what I should do *vision of Stocke looking at Rosch's dead body* OH COME ON! THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Lippiti: PSST! KEEPER OF THE WHITE CHRONICLE! THIS IS ONE OF THOSE POINTS WHERE TIME CONVERGES! CHOOSE THE RIGHT PATH OR THE WORLD WILL BE DESTROYED!
Stocke: ...if you're trying to be secretive, WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING THIS AT FULL VOLUME!? Also, aren't I the only one who can hear you anyway, so what's the point of being secretive.
Lippiti: SHUT UP AND CHOOSE A DOOR AND DECIDE! THIS IS TOTALLY IMPORTANT! Just remember, TURN LEFT!!!
Stocke: But it's a straight line...
Lippiti: TURN. LEFT.
Narrator: WHICH PATH WILL STOCKE CHOOSE!? Will he go with the old fart Heiss? Or will he choose his best friend? Or will he do both for the sake of seeing everything get turned to shit and thus press the giant reset button because he's a jerk like that? FIND OUT NExT TIME IN RADIANT HISTORIA ABRIDGED!