Radiant Historia Abridged:
Narrator: And so we join Stocke when...
Stocke: Hey Bergas, what's the plan?
Bergas: We can either attack immediately, or wait for my men and completely out number them and win!
Stocke: (I have to think carefully about this.) I'm bored, LET'S CHARGE IN!
Bergas: Ok!
Narrator: So Stocke charged in head on and...
Stocke: ...how'd I do?
Narrator: It was a SPECTACULAR FAILURE! It's a shame none of you were around to see it.
Stocke: ...technically, I was...
Narrator: But most of it was off screen...
Stocke: ...touche...
*BAD END*
Lippti: Personally, I thought you should have just kept going! Even if your friends are all dead, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WILL TO LIVE!
Stocke: In otherwords, I can go back in time, be patient, and win WITH my friends not dying, is that right?
Lippti: NO! YOU CANNOT DO THAT! THERE IS ONLY ONE PATH!
Stocke: Yeah...sure...one path...gotcha...
*Backtracking*
Stocke: Let's wait for your comrades.
Bergas: Ok.
Narrator: So the Gutral arrived, they attacked Granorg only to find the resistance army, which by the way was key to this plan, mostly wiped out.
Eruca: NO! Without OTTO and WILL and PIERRE, there was no sense of unity! WE NEED ALL OF THEM ALIVE!
Stocke: ...crap, I think know where this is going...
*Time elves appear*
Stocke: ...now I DEFINITELY know where this is going.
Teo: Just so you know, you only need to save Will and Pierre; them living will probably lead to Otto living.
Stocke: ...or I can jump Timelines and help out on that side. Got the Beast Mark and all that...
Teo: Well, I GUESS you could do that too...
Lippti: NO! YOU CANNOT DO THAT! THERE IS ONLY ONE PATH. EVER. PERIOD.
Stocke: Yeah, ok, I'll be going down that one path now...in another timeline...might be forks in the road...
*Stocke jumps to alternate timeline*
Stocke: Yo, Gafka, I got the Beast Mark!
Gafka: Aha! Now we might be able to actually head into Forgia and form an alliance.
Stocke: Awesome, let's do this!
*a long trip across canyons and such later. Oh yeah, Skalla is taken over by Alistel*
Gafka: And this forest will lead to Forgia.
Stocke: ...didn't this lead to the ruins that I got the Beast Mark from?
Gafka: You didn't have me to show you the way through.
Stocke: True.
*One Forest Trip Later*
Gafka: We're at Forgia! Oh yeah, EVERYONE HATES YOU Remember...so let's just go straight to the chief.
Chief: Aha, Gafka, and you've brought humans, no doubt they have the Beast Mark?
Stocke: It's right here, see!?
Chief: ...I said no doubt didn't I?
Stocke: I suppose you did...
Bergas: Bah, humans are worthless and foul creatures. They kidnapped our kin! Why should we help them?
Gafka: That will be explained in a jump cut!
*One Jump Cut later*
Bergas: ...ok, I understand now but I still don't trust them.
Stocke: DO YOU NOT SEE THE BEAST MARK!?
Bergas: No one has gotten that in years! Not enough proof for me! Maybe if you save my comrades I might consider...
Chief: Hey, that's a great idea! Stocke, we'll join you if we save our comrades.
Stocke: Ok, sounds fair, where are they?
Chief: Skalla.
Stocke: ...WE WERE JUST THERE! *^@()*) (^@)* ( #)^)$( *(&@ %&(@!!!
Raynie: ...I think my vocabulary just got expanded in ways I didn't know was possible...and probably not for the better too...
Rosch: Someone WAS covering Aht's ears during that, right?
Aht: Marco, what's a #)^)$(?
Marco: There are somethings best left unknown, TRUST ME.
*Jump cut to Skalla*
Rosch: Ok, so our mission is to rescue the Gutral by any means necessary, though ideally with as few casualities as possible to show we are not a blood thirsty ra-...PUT THE SPEAR DOWN NOW RAYNIE!
Raynie: Awww! But that was going to be my 100th impaling!
Rosch: Tough! Just so happens I have a plan!
Stocke: ...wait, since when are you good at strategy? Heck, that was always your weak point; you usually had me do all the thinking.
Rosch: Plan. Have one. NOW! TO INN. GO!
Stocke: YESSIR!
*at inn*
Rosch: Ok, here's my plan. Step 1: Get Alisten uniforms. Step 2: Cause mayhem. Step 3:
. Step 4: Profit! Any questions?
Aht: Can you go over step 3 again?
Rosch: NO! Anyway, We'll split into two teams. Seeing as 2 of us are way too big and one of us has the physique of a 5 year old girl, that means Stocke, Raynie and Marco will cause mayhem while the 3 of us get the Uniforms!
Stocke: ...wouldn't it make more sense to do it the other way around considering the first half?
Rosch: YOU DARE QUESTION MY PLAN!?
Stocke: No...just...you know...do you really want to help Aht get dressed in an Alisten Uniform?
Rosch: ...when you put it that way, ok, the teams are swapped. NOW GO GET THOSE UNIFORMS!
*Outside*
Marco: Now where are we going to find 3 convenient uniforms for us to steal from soldiers...
*3 drunk soldiers happen to walk outside*
Marco: ...that'll do!
Stocke: Hey, guys...can we have your clothes?
Drunken Soldier: Huh? *hic* Ok, sure.
*they strip and hand the clothes to Stocke and co.*
Raynie: Ignoring the fact that I had to see them naked, I'm not going to complain about the means at which we got this...
Marco: What? It's not like they have nothing that you never saw before!
Raynie: WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING!?
Marco: It's just that....oooh, right! You're a woman! I keep forgetting that!
Raynie: WHAT?!?!?!?!
NOTE: He actually makes a crack about "needing to remember Raynie is a woman" here.
Stocke: Er...before-you-kill-marco-remember-we-have-work-to-do!
Raynie: ...damn it!
Stocke: *phew* Anyway,let's go tell Rosch we succeeded.
*Back in the Inn*
Stocke: We succeeded.
Rosch: Good...NOW GET DRESSED!
Stocke: Ok! Let's do this!
Raynie: OUT!
Stocke: What?
Raynie: OUT! NOW!
Stocke: I...uh...huh?
Raynie: THINK YOU GET A FREE SHOW HUH!?
Stocke: ...you could just throw the uniform over your rather light armored clothes you know and not expose anything...
Raynie: OUT!!!
Stocke: Fine, sheesh.
*Jump cut later*
Gafka: So what's the plan.
Rosch: We cause mayhem.
Gafka: How do we do that?
Rosch: We start a riot of course.
Aht: Well, can we do that?
Rosch: Watch me!
*Rosch side checks a grunt*
Grunt: Hey, what did you do that for?
Rosch: Doesn't that...make you angry?
Grunt: Huh? No! I've been getting therapy specifically to not get angry at these things.
Rosch: Come on, just a little?
Grunt: You are forgiven.
Rosch: ...get angry please?
Grunt: No can do.
Gafka: So...that didn't work obviously...
Rosch: We really need to start a riot.
Gafka: Leave that to me then!
*Gafka grabs a totally different soldier, raises him over his head and bouncing him up and down*
Gafka: Hey everyone! RIOT! RIOT! RIOT! RIOT! RIOT! RIOT! RIOT!
*Riot ensues*
Aht: Hey, that was pretty awesome!
Rosch: we got company.
*9 Grunts appear*
Gafka: Pretty unfair odds, huh?
Aht: Yeah, they don't stand a chance!
*one ass kicking by our heroes later, we jump to the other 3 in uniform*
Stocke: THIS OUTFIT SMELLS! Can we please trade Marco?
Marco: Hey! Mine's just as bad!
Raynie: can you two stop complaining? It's not like you had problems fitting your chest into this outfit!
Soldier: HEy, we need help!
Stocke: No you don't.
Soldier: I don't?
Marco: Uh, yeah, see, we need you to run away, and get everyone out of here. The super weapon Hugo has? He's going to aim it here because the Rebellion is coming and it will KILL THEM ALL!
Soldier: Oh, ok, we will evacuate everyone then!
Stocke: Wow, nice job Marco.
Raynie: Let's release the Gutral!
Gutral: WE WILL NOT TRUST HUMANS EVER!
Stocke: I have a Beast Mark?
Gutral: Oh, ok, then we will allow you to set us free!
Stocke: Well, that worked out better than I hoped!
*Back at Forgia*
Bergas: Ok, you guys can be trusted.
Chief: Yes, we will join your cause!
Elder: Aha, Chief of Forgia, it's been awhile!
Chief: 150 years eh?
Stocke: ...you guys are old farts...
Elder and Chief: SHUT UP YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER!
Stocke: YES SIR!
Raul: It seems everything is in place, should we launch our first offensive on Alistel?
Stocke: ...well, since I see no reason to second guess this, yes, let's do it!
Narrator: The Gutral are big guys and they KICK ASS. Lot's of ass! So much ass is kicked, you could not believe how much ass being kicked! This is awesome ass stuff!
Bergas: Sorry sir, but some of our troops have chased the enemy. I guess they're getting overconfident with our success.
Stocke: We have to get them back here, no sense losing more men than we have to-...
*Watches allies and enemies turn to stand from a distance*
Stocke: OR HE HAS A SUPER WEAPON AND WE NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BACK TO THE SAND FORTRESS!
*They run back*
Raul: Well that explains how Cygnus was beaten so easily. That damn Flux!
Stocke: (The Flux AGAIN!? Why does that always keep coming up!? ...wait, this is the first time I'm mentioning it in this series, isn't it?)
Voice of Lippti: Time is in flux! History can be rewritten!
Raul: I have a contact in Skalla, hold on, I'll be right back!
*Stocke twiddles his thumbs for about 5 hours*
Stocke: God damn it, that's the last time I'm doing that to kill time! Why can't I jump forward through time when we're just sitting around waiting?
Voice of Teo: Because it hasn't happened yet?
Stocke: ...stupid time and your logic and your *Grumbles*...
Raul: I'm back, and here's my contact.
Eruca: Greetings, I am princess Eruca of Granorg and *sees Stocke* OMG! BROTHER! IT'S YOU!
Stocke: ...no it's not...
Eruca: But it's like you know me and aren't surprised to see me!
Stocke: ...long story, and no I cannot explain it.
Voice of Lippti: *from a distance* KILL THE BITCH!
Rosch: From what I can tell, this weapon is related to all the people turning into sand in other areas, right?
Eruca: Yes, it's all because of THE FLUX!!!
Stocke: More Flux nonsense? Damn it, I'm going outside, good bye!
*Outside*
Stocke: Finally, peace and quiet and...
Eruca: Hi!
Stocke: ...here I thought I could...actually, you know what? Just tell me what the FLUX is.
Eruca: Something passed down in the Royal family that shouldn't be used as a weapon. Dunno how Hugo is using it.
Stocke: It's Fennel's fault. All that blabbering about SCIENCE finally paid off I guess.
Eruca: Oh, well, we do need to stop it if we stand a chance.
Stocke: And we do that by...?
Eruca: Getting the Etherion!
Stocke: And that is...?
Eruca: In the posession of my step-mother...who is now dead...yeah getting this is going to be tough...
Raul: GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! A messenger of Hugo's has come asking for an Armistice! Says he'll end the war entirely if we agree!
Stocke: He can't be trusted, can he?
Raul: I SAID "GOOD NEWS" Didn't I?
Stocke: (I have to think carefully about this one.) Umm...ok, let's accept?
Narrator: So Stocke and Co. feel for a BLATANT TRAP THAT GOT EVERYONE KILLED! Well, no, Stocke didn't die because he was lucky to be in the Sand Fortress. GOod thing too, this would be a game over if so.
*BAD END*
Teo: I thought you said you couldn't trust Hugo.
Stocke: Well, he did say the war would end which I thought meant...look, I figured he deserved the benefit of the doubt.
Lippti: WELL IT BIT YOU IN THE ASS, YOU DUMMY!
Stocke: Yes, yes it did. Now excuse me, I have an Armistice to reject.
*backtrack*
Stocke: Hugo cannot be trusted and he'll kill us all.
Raul: Oh, ok, we'll tell the messenger then.
Stocke: So...about that Etherion...
Eruca: Yeah...Hugo probably has it...
Stocke: ...god...damn it...
*Time Elves appear*
Stocke: I know, I know, go to the other timeline and get it there where I'm better friends with Eruca. You don't have to spell it out to me...
Teo: Except of course when we do...
Stocke: BUT THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES OK!? Now, what was it I had to do in that timeline again?
Teo: Get Pierre, Otto, and Will not dead?
Stocke: Oh, right...
*Stocke jumps back to Will*
Stocke: HERE IS A SAND SWORD NOW USE IT TO NOT DIE!
Will: AAAAAAAH! I mean...thank you!
*Stocke checks will off the list*
Stocke: Now...Otto needed both alive so...Pierre is next...he was about his sister, right?
*Stocke saves a little girl from a well*
Pierre: I WILL KILL YOU PRINCESS!
Stocke: Would you kill your OWN SISTER THOUGH!?
Pierre: Oh, Claire's alive? I SUDDENLY FEEL BETTER THANK YOU!
*Stocke checks Pierre off the list*
Eruca: Otto, you're wounded! Even though Marco did just heal you...
Otto: Yes, but I must fight Palomeides head on! Even though I don't stand a chance, THIS IS VITAL!!!
Stocke: Why not ask us for help?
Otto: NO I MUST DO IT ALONE!
Will: NO YOU WON'T! I WILL BE ALONGSIDE YOU WITH MY SAND SWORD!
Otto: Oh? Will! My identical looking life-partner! Yay, let's work together to beat him!
Stocke: ...wait, those two were gay lovers?
Eruca: This is the first I've heard of it...
Voice of Lippti: That's the power of...LOVE!~
Narrator: And so Stocke has succeeded in saving all 3 Resistance dudes. Then he went to take a nap in the White Chronicle...
Stocke: Saving the world is tiring and this is the only place I can do it without screwing up the Space Time Continuum alright?
Narrator: ...I didn't say what you were doing is WRONG, sheesh.
---
...yeah, I couldn't remember his name either, so he's just "Chief." Distinguishes him from "Elder" of course.
