Radiant Historia Abridged: THE END OF TIME!!!!!
Stocke: Oh bullcrap! This is NOT the end of time...hell, isn't the whole point of my quest preventing that?
Narrator: Look, it's a fancy name, just go with it.
Stocke: Fine, fine, sheesh.
Raynie: So we need to attack the castle through the sewers right?
Eruca: Actually, we can just walk through the front door and punch my step mother in the face.
Marco: That sounds a little too easy...
Eruca: Trust me on this!
*The team walks through the front door right to Protea*
Protea: NO! YOU WILL NOT BEAT ME! GUARDS GET THEM!
Eruca: Mother, there are none left, NOW GIVE ME THE THRONE!
Protea: No! You conceited brat.
Eruca: But I want it!
Protea: I told you, you'll get it by your next birthday!
Eruca: but IwantitIwantitIwantitIwantitIwantitIwantitIwantitIwantitIwantitIwantit!!!!
Stocke: Face it, she's not going to stop til you say yes.
Protea: She's ALWAYS like this, today she'll ask for the throne, tomorrow she'll want something else!
Stocke: Ok, let's try a different angle. Give her the throne or I punch you in the face!
Protea: You wouldn't dare!
*Stocke punches her in the face*
Protea: ...ok, I give in, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Aht: That was a little too easy...
Eruca: By the way, STocke, take this ETHERION! We don't need it here anymore.
Stocke: I seem to recall this is important.
*Historia*
Teo: Congrats Stocke, you finished the STANDARD HISTORY!
Stocke: Huzzah, I'm awesome!
Teo: You still need to finish the Alternate History to truly save the world using that Etherion!
Stocke: ...mother ****er! Ok, give me...however much time I need to do this...
Teo: You have unlimited time though...
Stocke: Shhh!!!
*Alternate History*
Stocke: So...I got the Etherion...
Eruca: ...you jumped through Timelines via the White Chronicle, don't you? Because you certainly didn't have it 5 minutes ago, and there's only one in the world.
Stocke: ...yes, yes you did, and how did you know about all that?
Eruca: Because my family is the one who used that damn thing to begin with.
Stocke: Oh...just so you're claer, the other you has absolutely no idea about this.
Eruca: Does she know that you are my brother?
Stocke: Zuh?
Eruca: Oh nothing! TO WAR MEETING!
*War Meeting*
Raul: We need to get to Granorg Castle. Hugo is there with Protea already hung.
Eruca: Well, there's a secret passage through...
Stocke: The sewers, right? Please tell me I'm wrong. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME I'M WRONG! No seriously, I hope I'm wrong.
Eruca: That's 100% correct actually. Plus it gets is conveniently close to the spot where we can stop the flux.
Stocke: ...excuse me, I need to swear profusely for about 5 minutes outside.
*Stocke leaves, starts swearing inaudibly during the rest of this scene*
Rosch: So our plan is to go in through sewers, bust some heads, and liberate Granorg with the Queen?
Gafka: Sounds easy enough, we can walk over them.
Raul: We can't make a ruckus until AFTER the Etherion is used, unless you want to live the rest of your life as sand...
Rosch: ...well, now that you mention it...
Gafka: You're not seriously considering...
Rosch: I've always wondered what...
*Raynie smacks Rosch*
Raynie: That's Stupid! You're Stupid! STOP BEING STUPID!
*one sewer trek later and jumping through the library, the Etherion being used*
Raul: That's the signal, CHARGE IN AND KICK ASS!
*in the castle*
Stocke: This is where we run out of here, right?
Eruca: YES!
*they leave, run into Dias at front of the town*
Dias: HA! YOU WON'T GET PAST ME!
Stocke: Oh, do we FINALLY get to do our big duel this game has been leading up to?
Dias: GET HIM GIRLS!
*Dias sends out elite female soldiers*
Marco: It seems fate did not smile upon us...
Gafka: Shut up and just beat the worthless girls...
*one boss fight later*
*Town Square*
Hugo: Behold, the Prophet Noah is actually here! What's that you say? WE WILL WIN!? YES HAVE FAITH IN NOAH!
Civilian #1: He didn't even say anything...
Civilian #2: YEAH! YOU'RE A LIAR!
Hugo: No no, only I can hear him!
Civilian #3: I call bullcrap! Still, tell us what else he has to say!?
Hugo: Umm...don't do drugs?
Civilian #4: NARC!
Civilian #5: Let's get out of here, he's a fake!
Hugo: No he's real, I swear! *Hugo knocks dummy over revealing it to be fake* ...oh crap...
*Civilians leave*
Hugo: BAH! I don't need followers! I'm going back to Alistel because there's a SECRET WEAPON THERE! COME FENNEL!
Stocke: So...all we have left is Hugo?
Raul: Yes, though I think the Valkyrie is still there...maybe you can talk her out of it...
Stocke: Well, she's a good person, maybe we can!
*at Viola in the palace*
Viola: I WILL NOT YIELD! I AM LOYAL TO THE END! For the record though, I know Hugo is corrupt and bad but DAMN IT MY PRIDE SAYS I MUST FIGHT!
Stocke: *Sigh* Let's get this over with...
*team beats Viola*
Rosch: She was a warrior until the end...
Stocke: Dude, don't try to sound profound. She was just one of these PRIDE IS EVERYTHING people who really, what's the point?
Rosch: You'll never understand, Stocke
Stocke: No, it's just a stupid cliche that doesn't even make sense!
Rosch: NEVER. UNDERSTAND.
Raul: You know, you did miss Eruca's coronation with you guys arguing over this.
Stocke: Screw it, we're going to Alistel to beat up Hugo, COME ON EVERYONE!
*at Alistel*
Hugo: I have 500 troops left, I can still win this!
Selvan: No, you really can't.
Hugo: YES I CAN!
Selvan: ...yeah, good day sir, I'm leaving. By the way, your 500 troops aren't with you anymore.
Hugo: YES. THEY. ARE!
*Selvan leaves, gets stabbed by Heiss on the way out*
Heiss: So...yeah, everyone is gone, I just came here to mock you. By the way, I was playing you as a tool this entire time, good luck losing the war!
Hugo: Bah, I don't need you! I got a secret lab that will give me SUPER POWERS, right Fennel?
Fennel: Um, that's not quite ready sir...
Hugo: SECRET LAB. SUPER POWERS. NO ARGUMENTS!
Fennel: Er...I mean, yes sir!
*at Alistel*
Raul: OK, here's the plan. You stab Hugo in the face in his secret lab, I become Prime Minister and take all the credit, got it?
Stocke: Sounds good to me!
*team busts through way through the lab to Hugo*
Hugo: MWAHAHAHHA! THE POWER OF NOAH IS WITH ME! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!
Marco: Um, what?
Hugo: I CAN CHANGE THE PAST AND FUTURE WITH THIS POWER!
Stocke: ...can we just fight you and get this over with?
Hugo: NO HOPE FOR YOU! STOCKE! DO YOU WANT THE POWER OF A GOD!?
Stocke: Umm...(I have to think carefu-...) OH HELL YES!!!
Narrator: Stocke let the power go to his head, and thus everything go screwed.
*BAD END*
Teo: You're an ass.
Stocke: Look, I figured if I had the power of a god I could defeat someone who that batshit insane...what was I suppose to do?
Lippti: TURN LEFT!!!
Stocke: ok, ok! Sheesh, I get it!
*rewind*
Stocke: ...so...yeah, I don't think Godlike Powers are a good thing. Trust me on this.
Rosch: Gafka, you handle this.
Gafka: Right. Falcon...PAWNCH!
*Hugo gets blasted off the screen, comes back immediately*
Gafka: ...it seems he still has stock left...
Hugo: SEE? YOU CAN'T BEAT ME! I'VE BECOME AN ULTRA SUPER LEVEL INFINITY GOD PLUS! MWHAAHAHAH!
Stocke: So every time we kill him, he comes back to life?
Fennel: Yes, it's from the power of the HISTORICA! A super sword whose powers he sapped! Got it from some Celestian.
Stocke: So that sword can beat him?
Fennel: It's power is drained so not anymore.
Stocke: You said it's from Celestia?
Fennel: IT WON'T WORK STOP TALKING!
Stocke: ok all I needed to hear!
*Stocke jumps back in time to Celestia*
Elm: HUMAN SCUM! YOU WILL REGRET THE DAY YOU LAID EYES ON THE GROUND 3 FEET IN FRONT OF ME!
Stocke: ...hi Elm. Can you recharge this sword so I can give it back to your friend?
Elm: Oh, sure!
*Elm recharges sword*
Elm: THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I DO SOMETHING FOR A MERE HOMOSAPIEN BASTARD SUCH AS YOURSELF! DO NOT SHOW YOUR UGLY HAIR HERE AGAIN!
Stocke: Noted!
*Stocke jumps back to Hugo*
Stocke: ok, Hugo, let's do this!
Aht: But Stocke, his power is unlimited, we can't harm him!
Raynie: Yeah, we don't really have any hope!
Fennel: I TOLD YOU THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOP HIM IS HOPELESS!
Rosch: WE'RE DOOMED!!! WE MUST GIVE UP! WE CANNOT WIN!!!!!
Stocke: There's an old Alisten saying, Captain. A phrase of great power and wisdom, and consolation to the soul in times of need.
Rosch: What's that then?
Stocke: ALLONS-Y!!!!!!!!!!!
*stabs Hugo in the face with the Historica*
Hugo: NO! HOW DID YOU GET THAT!?
Stocke: Umm...wibbly wobbly time wimey?
Hugo: CHEATER! *dies*
Stocke: Yay! We win!
*White Chronicle*
Teo: You do realize the Black Chronicle is still out there and you need to beat him to finish this, right?
Stocke: ...right...who has it by the way it anyway?
Teo: That's probably about to be answered at any moment!
*Back out in Granorg*
Eruca: Congrats Stocke, we've won!
Stocke: Sweet! But it's not over yet...
Eruca: What makes you say that...
Soldier: MY QUEEN! THE FLUX HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY ONE GUY WHO WAS INVISIBLE!
Stocke: Only one person can do that...which isn't me...HEISS!
*they meet Heiss*
Heiss: Oh, you found me. For the record, I am doing this for your own good.
Stocke: Yeah, I call bullshit on that...
Raynie: So you were the one behind everything all along!?
Heiss: Yep, now, if you excuse me, I'm going to reverse the ritual at the IMPERIAL RUINS, so whatever you do not FOLLOW ME THERE, because it is not VITALLY IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO SO.
*he teleports away using Black Chronicle*
Eruca: Either he's a member of the Royal Family or has the Black Chronicle...
Raynie: What's the Black Chronicle?
Stocke: Special Book that lets you alter time.
Raynie: And you know this because...?
Stocke: SPOILERS~!
*At Imperial Ruins*
Heiss: Stocke, I was right to give you the White Chronicle. Teo and Lippti were wise to tell you NOT TO TELL ANYONE!
Marco: What's he talking about?
Stocke: Cat's out of the bag. Basically, I can do the same thing as Heiss and thus have been doing so all along...for the benefit of the world mind you. No clue what Heiss is doing with it.
Heiss: TRYING TO DESTROY THE WORLD OF COURSE! IT IS NOT WORTH SAVING! HOW DARE YOU GO AGAINST THIS BRILLIANT IDEA!
Stocke: Because I'm SANE!?
Heiss: This coming from a guy who takes advice from Time Elves.
Stocke: Look, they're perfectly well rounded, normal kids who always know what's ri-...
Voice of Lippti: TURN LEFT!!!
Stocke: ...ok, ONE of them is like that at least.
Aht: Well, I knew this all along, because I'm awesome!
Rosch: And you didn't tell anyone because...?
Aht: Because I'm AWESOME!? It's fun keeping secrets!
*continues onward, guy with Black Book appears*
Stocke: So...I thought Heiss has the Chronicle...
Aht: That's just a puppet being controlled! It's also KING RICHARD OF GRANORG!
Stocke: Ok, this is getting weird.
Heiss: Not really, let me explain. I killed him because he wanted me dead, because sacrifice...by the way, he's my brother. Also, you're my nephew, his son, and thus Prince Ernst.
Stocke: Umm...how does that make sense?
Heiss: Because you died, got half of Eruca's soul because she was upset during the ritual, when she was suppose to be sacrifice, but she whined and whined and whined about the whole "dying" thing, so they made you die instead, and got upset when you died.
Stocke: Umm...that still doesn't explain every...
Heiss: I also grabbed you after you were revived, and altered your memories so you thought you were someone else named Stocke.
Stocke: Ah, there we go! Ok, thank you for clearing all that up.
Heiss: So you see, I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOU!
Stocke: And I am trying to KILL YOU BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL?
Raynie: Wait, were YOU the one who killed all my comrades using a PUPPET SPIDER?
Heiss: Puppet Spider? That's completely moronic! I tried to kill off all the comrades with poison traps and avalanches...except by the time I started it, that spider killed everyone but you two, strange how that worked out...and how you two helped Stocke learn how to use the WHITE CHRONICLE.
Marco: You're a sick man.
Heiss: I AM PERFECTLY HEALTHY! JUST BECAUSE I'M OLD DOESN'T MEAN I'M DYING!
Stocke: Can we just...I dunno...end this already?
Heiss: Sure!
*Boss fight later*
Heiss: Bah, this isn't working, if you won't save you, I'll save you by killing Eruca when you can't protect her!
*White Chronicle*
Teo: We don't have much time, Heiss is grown strong enough to break the rules!
Stocke: How did he do that!? Who are you guys?
Teo: Remnants of the Ancient Empire.
Stocke: Oh, ok...how am I suppose to stop Heiss? I don't know where he's going!
Lippti: Meet her at a point he doesn't know about, DUH. I mean, there's that time you saw her when you didn't realize it was her with Aht. GO THERE AND DO STUFF! You can save her then!
Stocke: ...
Teo: ...
Stocke: Did Lippti just...give me...actually good advice?
Teo: I've known her for centuries, and this is the first time she's ever made sense...
Stocke: Does this mean reality is collapsing at the seams?
Teo: Maybe, all the more reason you NEED TO HURRY!
Stocke: RIGHT!
*Stocke goes back to Aht = Shaman moment*
Stocke: So...Aht...you're a shaman...
*Scream*
Stocke: Oh look, someone needs help, come on everyone!
*team meets up with Eruca and Heiss is there*
Heiss: MWAHAHAH! DIE PRINCESS!
Stocke: No, I'll save you Princess!
Eruca: What the heck is going on?
Heiss: You can't beat me alone Stocke!
Raynie: WE'LL FIGHT WITH YOU TO THE VERY END STOCKE!
Marco: YES! OUR LIFE IS YOURS!
Stocke: ...I guess the other timeline is bleeding over into them...NOT COMPLAINING!
*they beat Heiss*
Heiss: BAH! I'll do this the old fashioned way: Press the World Destruction Deus Ex Machina Button!
*he leaves*
Eruca: How did you know who I was?
Stocke: It's me, Ernst Eruca, but I've been living as Stocke. I met you in the future, and knew he was coming in the past.
Eruca: Makes perfect sense
Stocke: You're about to meet me for the FIRST TIME, ok? This is the FIRST TIME we meet is coming up in a few days. You got that? THE FIRST TIME!
Eruca: Ok, I guess...
Stocke: THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED!!
*White Chronicle*
Teo: Good, now go save the Standard Timeline so they converge and the world is saved.
Stocke: Ok.
*Granorg, Standard Timeline*
Stocke: Where's Eruca?
Raynie: I think she went to do something with the Flux and never returned.
Stocke: ...crap! QUICKLY! HEISS IS AFTER HER LET'S GO!
Rosch: Hey, take me with you, you could use a guy like me.
Stocke: Yep, glad to have you on board for the first time in this timeline!
Rosch: Oh, and take this Gutral with us, he's strong too.
Stocke: Hi Gafka!
Rosch: You know him?
Gafka: No, we've never met...though I am getting the strangest sense of Deja Vu.
Stocke: Why is that both of the got shoe-horned in last minute...
Voice of Teo: Because final dungeon so give you as many PCs as possible.
Stocke: What about Eruca?
Voice of Teo: What ABOUT Eruca!?
Stocke: ...nevermind, TO THE DUNGEON!
*in the FLux area*
Stocke: Is it just me, or did this place get way bigger? I swear it was one room.
Aht: Oh I can explain that easily.
Stocke: Oh?
Aht: It's bigger on the inside!
Stocke: *facepalms*
Gafka: Red one, let's move on!
Stocke: Right!
*they get to a room with 4 nodes, time elves appears*
Lippti: BOSS RUSH BOSS RUSH BOSS RUSH ^_^_^_^_^
Stocke: ...she's kidding, right?
Teo: no, she's not. Heiss is using the Black Chronicle to power up people during your past and you can kind of have to stop them before things go south.
Stocke: *Sigh* Let's just finish this.
*one boss rush with a few cutscenes later*
Rosch: So...how did I fight in areas where I technically wasn't if we were reinacting plot moments?
Aht: It's best you don't think about these things; that's how I get through it.
Rosch: Well that's just PRIME.
*next room, Dias and Eruca are there*
Dias: MOVE AND THE PRINCESS GETS IT! MWAHAHAHA!
Stocke: You seriously don't wanna have a shonen rival duel? Because I feel we really should have one.
Dias: NEVER!!!
Stocke: Ok *goes invisible and saves Eruca*
Dias: Grrr...you'll pay for this! Heiss, wait for me!
Stocke: Eruca, I know who I am! And I know I am going to have to die to save the world.
Eruca: And you're ok with this?
Stocke: Well, I have to save the world and I can't see a way that doesn't involve me dying...I wish there was some alternative...
Eruca: Let's just shoot our Uncle in the face first, ok?
Stocke: Works for me!
*at the final boss chamber*
Selvan: Sir, they're here!
Heiss: Do you want to be PART OF SOMETHING GREATER!?
Selvan: Yes, yes I do!
Heiss: Good, stand by that crystal!
Dias: Sir, they're right here!
Selvan: Hey Dias, wanna join me in getting super powers so we can have hot passionate love later?
Dias: DO I!? *Dias runs over there*
Heiss: ...who said anything about SUPER POWERS?
Both: WHAT!? *They turn to sand*
Heiss: NOW I HAVE THE FULL BLACK CHRONICLE POWER!
*Stocke and co. arrive*
Stocke: So Heiss...yeah...about the destroy the world by saving me thing...not happening!
Heiss: I GAVE EVERYTHING TO SAVE YOU AND YOU DISAGREE WITH ME!?
Stocke: Then why have you tried to kill me at multiple turns if you are TRYING TO SAVE ME?
Heiss: BECAUSE MY PLAN IS AMAZING!
Stocke: Um...yeah, guys, let's beat him up.
*They beat up a book until Heiss loses*
Heiss: NO! WHY CAN'T I USE THE FULL POWER OF THE BLACK CHRONICLE?
Stocke: Well, you see, the reason is...
Heiss: Don't you dare say "Because I have nothing worth fighting for" or any preachy stuff like that! It's total nonsense!
Stocke: I was ACTUALLY going to say it's because you're holding back. You have more experience with the Chronicle than me and can tap into it's full power, but you're still hoping I'm going to convert to your side, which face it, IT'S NOT HAPPENING.
Heiss: So what you're saying is I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY!?
Stocke: Yeah, pretty much...if you really wanted me dead, you might actually kill me...
Heiss: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING THEN! MWAHAHAH!
Raynie: Good Job Stocke, now you just made him stronger!
Stocke: As if this outcome wasn't inevitable.
*BIG BOSS FIGHT WITH A GIANT BOOK OCCURS, STOCKE WINS*
Heiss: No, why are we so different?
Stocke: We're the same you and I, just the difference is I saw HOPE FOR THE FUTURE, you saw DESPAIR IN THE PAST. Or something like that...look, the Time Elves told me it and I just sort of shrugged.
Voice of Teo: DON'T BLAME THIS ON US DAMN IT!
*Back at the Flux room*
Rosch: Where's the Queen?
Eruca: I'M SAVING EVERYONE BY SACRIFICING MYSELF!
Stocke: No, that's not your duty as the Queen, it's my duty as...uhh...the brother that isn't your brother but is and...look, just make me die so you can get your soul back.
Eruca: But I don't want you to go.
Stocke: I don't want to go either, but it's not like there are any other options that will save the world. I wish there was something I could do to prevent this...
Voice of Lippti: KILL THE BITCH!!!!!!
Stocke: But nothing is coming to mind. So yeah, good by everyone, and please spare me a heartfelt "WE WILL ALWAYS BE WAITING FOR YOU!" speech...
*they give him one anyway*
Stocke: ...can't even grant me a decent final request. Jerks...
Narrator: And so Stocke saved the world, and died. Everyone lived happily ever after...except Stocke Didn't actually die, he actually had a bigger verbal beat down of Heiss, Heiss then went all more batshit and somehow managed to save the world through that, and Stocke decided to come back to life. Look, it's an ending, and I am not going into more details.
Stocke: Well that seems rather cheap way to end the game.
Raynie: Why have we let this guy talk the entire time?
Marco: Pretty sure none of us agreed to him.
Eruca: Stocke...you should sever your ties with someone like this.
Stocke: I'VE BEEN HACKING AWAY AT THEM SINCE THE START OF THIS GAME!
Rosch: There must be something you can do...
Narrator: HA! I am here to stay and nothing can stop me!
Gafka: Is that true? There must be something we can do...
Teo: Hmm...well, I can think of one idea, but...
Lippti: KILL THE BITCH!!!!
Everyone: WORKS FOR ME!
Narrator: EEP!!!!
*random number dials around a lot and ends on an 8*
