Lightning Returns: The Return of Purple Wanker: Yes We USed Returned Twice Here!
Rosch: Lightning Returns, the story so far! ...wait, why am I here?
Lightning: I am God's Servant, I must do his will!
Hope: I'll watch you on GOD'S SUPER COMPUTER and help you from here!
Snow: SERAH!!!!!!!!
Noel: YEUL!!!!!!!!!
Vanille: FANG!!!!!!!!!
Lumina: ^_^!!!!!!!!!!
Lightning: ...what the hell was all that?
Hope: Uhh...God's Will?
*Lightning travels to the Wildlands*
Lightning: The Wildlands, people left civilization to live out in the open and be farmers and hunters, away from the Fal'Cie. IOWs, there won't be much in the way of technology out here. This is where the Chaos first came from too, which doesn't really explain why it's the only area of the world that i s green and filled with wild life still...
Female Voice: Savior, you must find the Angel of Valhalla!
Lightning: wait what? Where'd that come from?
Female Voice: Find the Angel of Valhalla!
Lightning: Hope, what was that?
Hope: What was what? You were having an internal monologue and then suddenly started shouting stuff.
Lightning: So I'm the only one who heard that?
Hope: Heard what?
Lightning: ...look, just tell me, what's the Angel of Valhalla?
Hope: Nothing appears on any records about it here, guess you'll have to find out the old fashioned way...
Lightning; Wait, you don't mean...
Hope: Yes...talking to random NPCs and get info!
Lightning: NO!!!!!!!!!!!
*one NPC later*
Lightning: What can you tell me about the Angel of Valhalla?
NPC: Angel of Valhalla? You don't know of the Angel of Valhalla? WHAT DID YOU GROW UP ON A FARM!?
Lightning: Evidently not, seeing as I don't live here...
NPC: ...touche. Everyone here knows of the Angel of Valhalla, it's a PURE WHITE CHOCOBO (that technically has a little green on it but whose counting?) that runs around. Only a few have found it! It is an omen that will portend the end of times, so we know the end is nigh! That's a good thing because NATURE FINALLY CAN TAKE IT'S COURSE AND KILL US! IMMORTAL HUMANS ARE BAD!
Lightning: That's...more than I wanted to know...
NPC: THE ANGEL WILL BE THE MOUNT OF THE SAVIOR! IT WILL TAKE THE SAVIOR TO THE TEMPLE OF VALHALLA THAT APPEARED WHEN THE CHAOS APPEARED! but that stuff is not going to be relevant to you at all, what's more important is YES! THE WORLD IS FINALLY ENDING!
Lightning: Wait, it's going to be the mount of the savior? Ok, do you know how I can find this thing?
NPC: Well, Doctor Gysahl might know, he's been studying the thing...BUT THE HARBINGER OF DOOM IS AMONG US! PRAISED BE TO YEVON!
Lightning: ...yeah, I'm going to walk to that village now, hope there are no Behemoths in this area that will get in my wa-...
*Giant Behemoth appears as first encounter*
Lightning: ...God, if I'm really your chosen one, why do you hate me?
*At the farm*
Lightning: So Doctor Gysahl...where's the Angel of Valhalla?
Gysahl: It's in the North, that's where people claimed to have seen it! If only I could see it!
Lightning: You could just...head north yourself, you know.
Gysahl: That's nonsense! I'm a DOCTOR!
Lightning: You're also over 500 years old, and the end of the world is coming shortly, face it, you have nothing to lose at this point.
Gysahl: IF ONLY I COULD SEE THE WHITE BIRD MYSELF!
Hope: Just go north and see if you can find the thing, Lightning. Maybe you'll run across some ruins or something...
*City Ruins in the North*
Hunter on Chocobo: Well, you look capable lady, but be warned, THERE'S A CHOCOBO EATER FIGHTING THE ANGEL OF VALHALLA UP THERE!
Lightning: A Chocobo Eater? You mean those things exist in this setting?
Hunter: OF COURSE! There are Chocobo Eaters all over Spira!
Lightning: ...but this is Nova Chrysallis...
Hunter: CHOCOBO. EATERS. ALL. OVER. SPIRA!
Lightning: ...Hope, is possible for Chaos to infect people's brains?
Hope: Theoretically...yes...why?
Lightning: Oh, no reason, off to go kill a Chocobo Eater!
Lumina: Not without me interrupting you won't ^_^!
Lightning: ...ok, what is the point of you being here?
Lumina: Because you're going to the temple of Valhalla, duh! And you are going to use that bird to get there, DUH! ^_^!
Lightning: Yes, I know; this was already established; being cryptic is bad enough, but being redundant is far worse!
Lumina: DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU NEED TO GO THOUGH ^_^?
Lightning: ...you're not going to tell me either way, so I'm not going to bother answering that...
Lumina: You're no fun
^_^!
*Lightning comes across a wounded White Chocobo and Chocobo Eater, kills the Chocobo Eater*
Lightning: It's the Angel! It's badly hurt! It needs medical attention, stat!
Hope: Lightning, who are you talking to?
Lightning: That Hunter guy right behind me who clearly was not there when I was talking.
Hope: Oh ok.
*short bit with Gysahl carrying the Angel of Valhalla back to the farm and giving him Medical Attention*
Lightning: Will he be alright?
Gysahl: Well, we slowed down the bleeding but he's still dying of starvation! He'll only eat FROM HIS CHOSEN OWNER!
Lightning: IOWs, the Savior...which is me by the way...let me feed him!
*Lightning feeds him*
Gysahl: My word, you weren't kidding! Ok, here's what he needs *Hands Lightning a laundry list of things to get*
Lightning: ...this is just a fetch quest to pad out this part of the game so it's not stupid short, isn't it?
Gysahl: Yes, yes it is! NOW GO GET THESE ITEMS!
*one fetch quest later that I'm skipping because no real plot relevant things happen, just a lot of gameplay*
Gysahl: Hey, the Chocobo is strong enough to stand! But it can't Fly yet...
Hope: Well, if you want to be technical, White Chocobos don't fly. Traditionally, it's only been the black ones that fly, outside of those that live on Planet Gaia where it's the Gold ones that fly.
Lightning: Good, I'll be getting him healed through "Yeul's Flowers" that I was told about at the other village. By the way, I have decided to name the Angel of Valhalla...BOBBY CORWEN! But that's too long, so I'll just refer to him as Bob! Come on, Bob, let's go!
Bob: Kweh!
*a few flowers later, Bob loses his bandages and is fully healed, Lightning heads off to temple, we're skipping the interim stuff because it's all filler boring stuff no one cares about*
Lightning: So...Hope...what's suppose to be in there?
Hope: Unseen Chaos, the stuff you failed to stop 500 years ago when you fought
CAIUS!
Lightning: Wait, I thought Chaos was everywhere already...
Hope: No, this is UNSEEN Chaos, that's totally different!
Lightning: But Chaos in itself is an abstract element that you don't really see, it just exists, doesn't that make all Chaos unseen?
Hope: IT IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT BECAUSE THE FILES ON GOD'S SUPER COMPUTER SAY SO OK!?
Lightning: Fine, I'll take your word for it...but something feels unsettling about this. I can't put my finger on it...something evil and familiar approaches...
Lumina: Hi there, glad you made it ^_^!
Lightning: ...well, that explains THAT sense of forboding...
Lumina: So...yeah...Caius...remember him ^_^?
Lightning: How can I forget? HE LITERALLY IS THE ONE BEHIND ALL THIS MESS!
Lumina: It's pretty sad isn't? I mean, all that Chaos and all he could do is blow stuff up with it ^_^?
Lightning: No, it's not sad; the only sad part is that I failed to beat him and I have to live with this guilt.
Lumina: HA! GOT YOU! YOU ADMITTED YOU'RE A FAILURE
!
Lightning: ...I loathe you...
Hope: But...you don't have emotions...
Lumina: Well, have fun in the temple, toodles ^_^! Oh by the way, you can't use your powers in there because of all the Chaos, so you should turn around ^_^!
*in the Temple*
Lightning: So this came from Valhalla and the Chaos brought it here. So what am I suppose to be looking for here? Chaos that can't be seen? You know, I probably should have gone over the itinerary a bit better before jumping in here...
Caius: Perhaps I can help you with that.
Lightning: ...and by help, you mean attack me and try to kill me, don't you?
Caius: Nonsense. I would never kill you directly; I prefer cursing you and watching you fail slowly to pain!
Lightning: ...so...you're basically just being a super villain...
Caius: The Chaos demands it!
*Caius blasts Lightning, she falls through a hole, now has a big black glowing spot on her*
Lightning: Well, this isn't going to be easy...am I suppose to save his soul?
Hope: I...uhh...er...we can at least solve the mystery?
Lightning: Where do I need to go?
Hope: To the top...by the way, you're at the very bottom.
Lightning: Figures...wait, how can I use my powers here? Lumina said the total opposite.
Hope: Oh, well, by "not use your powers" she really meant "you'll gradually lose Health at a very slow rate that won't be notice-able", because Caius cursed you...which only works in this dungeon...who makes these rules anyway?
Lightning: Well, better start getting to the top...
*part way up*
Female Voice: You must save Caius, his soul begs for it!
Lightning: Ok, just show yourself already, I have enough issues with that black dressed bimbo parading around in my sister's likeness.
Yeul: I'm sorry, but it was me who did it.
Lightning: Oh, it's the seeress...wait, what are you doing here? Aren't you suppose to be dead...several hundred times over...and finally not revived?
Yeul: I am here because I am part of the Chaos.
Lightning: I'm not going to bother questioning that.
Yeul: I am also here to make platforms for you to continue in the dungeon. Please save Caius!
Lightning; Oh, hey, thanks!
*Lightning continues on*
Lightning: Oh, Yeul, you're here as well...how did you get here before me? That doesn't make sense...unless this is more Chaos shenanigans.
Yeul: I am not the Yeul you just talked to.
Lightning: Oh, right, there are many of you and-...wait, didn't we do this EXACT SAME PLOT DEVICE in the previous game, with my sister stuck in that void?
Yeul: You must kill Caius!
Lightning: ...didn't you just tell me to save him?
Yeul: Caius is suffering, only in death can he be freed!
Lightning: ...you're giving me mixed signals here.
*Next Yeul*
Yeul: Save Caius!
Lightning: By killing him, thereby letting him rest in peace?
Yeul: No, you must convince him to let you have his soul so he can be part of the new world!
Lightning: ...seriously, you're not making any sense.
*Next Yeul*
Lightning: ...save or kill?
Yeul: It matters not what I say, because there will always be disagreement between us.
Lightning: Ok, finally we're getting somewhere! Can you maybe explain what's going on?
Yeul: Half of us want Caius to be saved, but the other half want him to be killed; we're constantly tugging at both sides.
Lightning: Ok, so do you like or hate him?
Yeul: All of us wish the best for Caius, and want to be by his side. At the same time, we want him be able to move on with his pain.
Lightning: I guess that makes sense, but how are you part of the Chaos exactly?
Yeul: I am the Unseen Chaos.
Lightning: Wait WHAT!?
Yeul: As each of my lives die, my soul goes into the Chaos, and the grief helps it grow. Every life I lose feeds the Chaos and makes it stronger...
Lightning: So what you're saying is you're a manipulative bitch who basically made Caius destroy the world because you're a whiny little brat who just wants to be in the arms of a big strong man? Because seriously, that's what I'm hearing...
Yeul: ...you do not know my pain...
Lightning: Look, just create platforms so I can deal with Caius, alright?
*At the top*
Caius: So you've managed to reach here, Savior. You truly are God's servant.
Lightning: Caius, I've come to save you! Why, I don't know; you did destroy the world...except that now I learned it's really Yeul's fault...but you still did kind of push the proverbally BIG RED THREATENING "HISTORY ERASER" BUTTON, so you're at least 37% to blame for that!
Hope: ...your math makes no sense whatsoever.
Lightning: SHUT UP HOPE!
Caius: I cannot be saved. I am cursed to forever wander with the souls of those lost in the Chaos who will not be reborn. That is my punishment for my crimes.
Lightning: ...the sympathy angle doesn't really work when you did that knowingly and enjoyed what you did, you know...
Caius: THE YEULS DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY WANT OF ME! SOME WANT ME DEAD TO BE WITH THEM FOREVER! OTHERS WANT ME SAVED SO I CAN MOVE ON! Tell me Savior, what decision can you make?
Lightning: I'll save your soul AND Yeul's!
Caius: ...that's stupid, you can't save a soul that's part of chaos!
Lightning: Yes I can because...uh...you're stupid!
Caius: ...can we end this charrade and just get to finishing that duel we started in the previous game?
Lightning: Ok.
*one Duel later*
Caius: It seems you're serious savior...but alas, I cannot accept being saved. It is as I said; I must be there to guide the souls lost in Chaos. That is my punishment.
Lightning: Well, if you do not want to be saved, then there's nothing I can do. Good bye Caius and Yeul!
*Lightning leaves, somehow gets big stat bonuses from saving a soul she didn't actually save*
Lightning: Well, that seemed like a waste of time...seriously, what did I accomplish?
Hope: We did learn that Caius is still alive...except I'm not sure how that helps us...
Yeul: Thank you for helping us, Lightning.
Lightning: ...you were the Yeul who called me, weren't you?
Yeul: Yes, I saw this moment, and wanted you to come here. The Angel of Valhalla wanted you to come here too!
Lightning: Yeah, that Angel isn't really a Chocobo is it?
*Odin appears near the White Chocobo*
Lightning: ...that was one hell of a disguise, good to be back with you old friend. And judging how you're acting, I'm assuming you're the Yeul who was with Noel, which is to say, the only Yeul that can be something resembling a decent human being?
Yeul: That's...one way to put it, yes. I am the last of the Yeuls.
Hope: So...Lightning...we still have half a day left to do stuff...go do God's work!
Lightning: Ok, time to look for that Moogle Village everyone is talking about!
*Lightning finds it at night*
Lightning: Hi Moogles, what's up?
Moogles AH! MONSTERS ARE ATTACKING! KUPO!
Lightning: Well, that's certainly an inconvenience...
*Lightning kills the Dryads*
Lightning: There, anyway, as I was saying, HI MOOGLES!
Moogle Chief: You saved us, Kupo!
Lightning: YOu seem...familiar...
Moogle Chief: we've never met, Kupo!
Lightning: ...hi Mog...
Mog: Kupo! Who are yo talking about!? ...was it really that obvious, Kupo?
Lightning: You think I'd ever forget a friend like you?
Mog: No, Kupo! Leave!
Lightning: Why?
Mog: I failed to protect Serah, Kupo! I don't deserve to look at you, Kupo!
Lightning: Mog, you did your best, it's not your fault; Serah's not dead anyway, we'll see her again someday!
Mog: We will? OH LIGHTNING! THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY KUPO!
*Mog flies towards Lightning's chest, gets punched in the face...yes, this really happens*
Mog: Ow, Kupo! Same old Lightning, Kupo!
Lightning: Same old Mog too! Anyway, time to explore the one area of the Wild Lands I didn't explore...THE NORTH SIDE!
*in the North section, she comes across an Airship Wreck*
Hope: Lightning, there's apparently a crazy old man in there, be careful, I wonder who it could b-...
Lightning: It's going to be Sazh.
Hope: Wait, how do you know that?
Lightning: Face it, we've met everyone else thus far outside of him and Fang, and Fang isn't a man.
Hope: That's some flawed logic.
Lightning: Bet you 500 Gil I'm right.
Hope: You're on.
*Lightning walks in, Sazh is sitting there*
Hope: ...well, guess I'm down 500 Gil, hope God pays well.
Lightning: Hi Sazh.
Sazh: Go away, got nothing to say.
Lightning: Oh come on, can't I help?
Sazh: DAJH HAS BEEN ASLEEP FOR 500 YEARS! ONLY THIS BOX CAN SAVE HIM! LUMINA SAID SO!
Lightning: Uh, yeah, I think I can help more than she can, what's wrong with him?
Sazh: His soul is shattered across the world!
Hope: So...yeah, it's going to take a long time to fix this, Lightning.
Lightning: Look, I promise I'll get Dajh's Soul back, ok?
Sazh: I hope you can do it.
*6 Am occurs, Lightning goes back to the Ark, sees Serah*
Lightning: Serah, I'll save you, I promise!
Serah: I know you will, even though you don't show it; that's so like you to not show your emotions! You've been that way since we were kids.
Lightning: You know me too well!
*
Totally NOT SACRED PHASE TIME!*
Hope: It has been a long time, Lightning. Our current situation is as follows!
*Yggdrasil grows a leaf, +2 Days til end of the world*
Hope: Our Current situation is...Yggdrasil is routing the Chaos! If all goes well, we will be ready for God's awakening!
Hope: Would you like to learn the status of our previous characters?
*Lightning selects Mog*
Hope: Would you like to know his status?
*Lightning and Hope discuss Mog. Repeat this for Caius too*
Hope: Lightning, about your performance...IT IS MAGNIFICENT!
Hope: This is all the Eradia Points I can grant you at this time!
Hope: The Lord Bhunivelze is pleased, he begs me give you these artifacts!
*Lightning gets items*
Hope: Lightning, I have a request for you: Finish finding our friends so Yggdrasil can blume! May Fate Guide your hand!
NOTE: I've already done most of Sazh's quest in my playthrough, but holding off on that stuff til later in the Abridged series. This is going on too long.