Lightning Returns Abridged:
Captain Cryptic: Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy 13-2: The Story so far! LIGHTNING QUIZ TIM-...
Lightning: *pulls plug* No, we are not doing that!
Hope: Don't we still need to sum up what happened?
Caius: As if what we say here is going to have any significance to events that happened...
Noel: YEUL!!!!!!!
Snow: SERAH!!!!
Vanille: FANG!!!!
Sazh: DAJH!!!!
Lumina: ^_^!!!!
Yeul: ...am I right in saying you don't need to be a Seeress to have seen that coming?
Lightning: Yes, yes you are.
Hope: Ok, Lightning, you're going to the desert next.
Lightning: This is just an excuse to see me dress in far less clothing than I usually wear because of the heat, isn't it?
Hope: ...not answering that...
*at the Dead Dunes*
Lightning Monologue: This place is a desert, everything is dead...except for things that aren't dead...there are bandits here too, and they look for an object called the HOLY CLAVIS!!! I can already tell this is going to be annoying.
Hope: So...Lightning...go to the Bandit Camp even though that's probably a bad idea.
Lightning: Why are you suggesting it to me?
Hope: Because really, what else is there to do in this area?
Lightning: Point taken.
*Bandit Camp*
Lightning: So...yeah, can you guys here help me find the Holy Clavis?
Bandits: AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *deep breath* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!
Lightning: What's so funny?
Bandit #1: We've been searching for that for 500 years, and still haven't found it, you seriously think we know where it is?
Bandit #2: You're not even a member of our band! HOW DO WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT A SECUTOR!?
Lightning: So...how could I join this group?
Bandit #3: NO ONE TELL HER HOW!
Bandit #4: YEAH SHE CAN'T KNOW SHE'S SUPPOSE TO SPEAK TO ADONIS TO GET A TASK!
Bandit #1: AHAHAH! YES! WE"LL KEEP THAT A SECRET FROM HER!
Lightning: ...ok, so I definitely will NOT talk to Adonis and thus NOT ask him to make me join.
Bandit #2: Good! WE ARE AWESOME!
Hope: ...so you're going to join the Bandits now, aren't you?
Lightning: Duh.
*at Adonis*
Lightning: So, can I join the bandits?
Adonis: Only if you answer me these questions 3!
Lightning: ...you're not seriously going to do that joke, are you?
Adonis: Hell no, I'm actually going to ask you to stop an inconvenient sandstorm. By doing this Stone thing. Do that and i'll let you in!
Lightning: *sigh* Guess I have no choice*
*one silly quest later*
Lightning: There, Sandstorm done!
Adonis: Wow, you actually did it!
Lightning: ...how'd you get here so fast?
Adonis: I didn't, I just followed you the entire way; being a bandit gives me +5 to Stealth!
Lightning: So...why did you make me do this if you knew how to stop the Sandstorm?
Adonis: Because our chief assumed it'd only work for the savior and you're the first person it worked for! Congrats, you're in, Savior! NOW GO TALK TO THE CHIEF USING THIS SHORTCUT!
Hope: The Chief is probably Fang, just saying.
Lightning: How do you come up with that idea? Fang would never become a bandit! These people are anti-Order, and Vanille's a priestess in the order, and Fang is closer to Vanille than a sister is! They're bonded by something stronger than family! There's no way Fang would be the bandit leader. 0% Chance!
*at the chief*
Fang: Hey Lightning, long time no see, I'm the chief of the bandits.
Hope: Well?
Lightning: *Grumbles angrily*
Fang: What, is that how you say hello to an old friend? I mean, I've been asleep in a Crystal for over 1000 years, that's twice as long as people were alive! Ok, I've been awake for 13 years, but whose counting?
Lightning: You apparently...
Fang: Enough talk, down to business! So you're looking for the Holy Clavis? You're not with the order, are you?
Lightning: Of course not, I'm the Savior just doing God's Work!
Fang: Good enough for me! Let's go find the Holy Clavis, it's in the Ruins! I'll even tag along and help you!
*You gained an actual ally!*
Lightning: Wait, I thought this was a solo RPG?
Fang: Look, I'm the only character in this whole game whose actually acting in-character and accurate to themselves from the previous games, therefor, I still retain PC status to some degree while all the other characters just twiddle their thumbs.
Lightning: Fair Enough!
Hope: You know Lightning, she left Vanille, what makes you think she won't backstab you?
Lightning: BECAUSE I TRUST FANG OK!? YOU FOUGHT ALONGSIDE HER TOO!
Hope: ...sheesh, for someone with no emotions, you sure have a temper.
*Ruins*
Lightning: So where is the Holy Clavis?
Fang: We have an idea but can't access it. For the record, I'm making sure you didn't go in alone because you could open the doors for those damned Secutors and let them walk right through the front door, I have to make sure I get it!
Hope: The Holy Clavis is probably behind that big unopenable door right there.
Lightning: How do we open it?
Hope: Find 3 Murals, it seems and learn what they say, and you'll get an object to do so.
Lightning: Ok, onto the Murals!
*Mural #1*
Lightning: It's not working...
Hope: You need a Tablet...
Fang: Oh, I know where those tablets are! They're in 3 shrines on OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE DESERT!
Lightning: You're joking aren't yo-...wait, how did you know we needed tablets? Hope only speaks directly to me!
Fang: You have the volume on that thing turned up so high, how can I NOT hear every word he says? Also, Hope, if you're listening, you don't have to repeat EVERYTHING WE DO RIGHT AFTER WE DO IT IN GREAT DETAIL! We're sort of dealing with Skeletons, Schrodenger Cats, Earth Eaters, and god knows what else down here.
Hope: ...that hurt...
*one really dumb fetch quest later, and 3 mural readings*
Lightning: Ok, so let me get this straight...the God Lindzei decided to cut Etro, the Goddess which made her bleed and this created humans because...umm...wait, this never told us why.
Fang: Yes, and after that, Chaos was used to fill the bodies that created Etro, those bodies meant to be temporary, but then Chaos was unleashed and broke the rules!
Lightning: And Bhunivelze is going to PURIFY ALL THOSE LOST SOULS using the Holy Clavis, right?
Fang: Pretty much...personally, I don't know why you're doing his work; the Gods just use us to do their bidding, we're so much better at fighting against Fate than actually following it...in fact, didn't we have an ENTIRE GAME about fighting fate? Seriously woman, what happened to you?
Lightning: Umm...er...well....
Fang: In any event, I won't let the damn Order use the Holy Clavis to SAVE ALL THOSE SOULS! Those bastards will kill Vanille if they do that!
Lightning: ...and now finally we get an answer to all this! That's why you left the Order even though Vanille was there?
Fang: Yeah, I was trying to make sure the Order didn't get their rotten hands on it! You come along and are able to open things, so now I can get the Holy Clavis finally!
Lightning: ...ok, Fang, I understand all that, but you do realize a major flaw in your strategy, right?
Fang: What's that?
Lightning: If you had only told me all this from the get go, I wouldn't have come in here and we wouldn't have unleashed the Holy Clavis which is sitting RIGHT THERE by the way, and it would have remained sealed until the end of the world since I'm literally the only person capable of opening the doors. We didn't have to go through all this stupid nonsense to open doors and could have left it here and the Order would have been Shit Out of Luck. By being secretive, you kind of made the whole situation worse.
Fang: Yeah, well, we got to it first, what could possibly go wrong?
*Bunch of secutors pop up*
Secutors: AHA! THE HOLY CLAVIS IS THERE! GET IT MEN!
Fang: ...ok, you win this round Lightning, but we should be able to take care of a bunch of powerless goons, right?
*Secutor summons a huge fuck off monster*
Fang: ...ok, that might pose a bit of a threat...
*big boss fight later*
Lightning: Well, it looks like they got the Holy Clavis.
Fang: DAMN IT! All this time and I failed!
Lightning: when do they plan on using it?
Fang: Last day before the end of the world.
Lighting: So we still have time to stop them.
Lumina: Awww, I can't let you do that, not after all the time I spent baiting you guys out to get the thing ^_^
Lightning: ...dear God, why do you mock me?
Hope: Do you mean that literally?
Lightning: I honestly don't know anymore...
Lumina: Don't you see? Vanille is going to save all those souls! It's so great, isn't it ^_^
Fang: Like hell it is! YOU JUST WANT TO USE HER!
Lumina: Of course I do, but it's such a good thing too ^_^
Lightning: I hate you...
Lumina: Awww, what have I ever done to make you do that ;_; ^_^
Lightning: where do I begin?
Lumina: But we don't have time for that, so good bye savior ^_^
*she leaves*
Fang: Yeah, Lightning, this is where we part ways. I'm going to save Vanille even if it kills me.
Lightning: So...you're going to do what you've always been doing when not sleeping in a crystal?
Fang: Pretty much.
Lightning: Right, but Fang, just so you know, I can't save Vanille if she doesn't want to be saved. By which I mean I can only take her soul by fulfilling her utmost desire; if she truly wants to die, I am unfortunately forced to oblige.
Fang: ...I miss the old Lightning, you know, the one who was all giving Gods, Fate, etc. the middle finger and decided to kick ass? I guess there really is no point staying with you, good bye!
Captain Cryptic: Will Lightning save Fang and Vanille? Will Fang stop the Order from killing Vanille? Will Lumina ever decide to start making sense? And will Fang ever come to grips with the fact that she's the only character in the entire game who manages to be consistent with her previous self? TUNE IN NEXT TIME ON SAME TORIYAMA TIME, SAME TORIYAMA CHANNEL!