Round 2-D
Event 53: Heckling
As Waldorf and Statler could tell you, Heckling is the fine art of saying horrible stuff about something. But, it can't just be horrible. A true heckler will also make sure their heckling has the following. It has to be clever. It has to be unique to whatever it is they're heckling, so they have to had paid attention. It should be funny, best of all if you can get even the person you're heckling to laugh at themselves. And finally, but most importantly, it must be true. It does not need to be serious, and the best hecklers don't even hold themselves as truly serious. In this case, we're going to give our two competitors a boxseat to a live performance at the Muppet Theatre. Whoever gets the best response to their heckling wins.
Of course... there's a question as to how well we're going to get heckling here. Vegeta has character development, which may be his saving grace because he starts off as a villain who is waaaay too full of himself, and everything I've heard suggests he stays kinda full of himself. But, who knows, I may be wrong. Against this, we have Prince Adam, who at least has that Saturday Morning Banter down, but probably isn't the best heckler out there. Now, Skeletor on the other hand...
Event 54: Kareoke
Everyone knows kareoke, it's that thing where they take out the vocalist and then you get some people to grab a mic and make a fo... I mean, give being a vocalist a try. Because we're cruel, we're both going to be using one of those ones that score people for ability to sing and stick them in front of a bar crowd. Highest score naturally wins.
While he may not quite have the chops that Gaston does (noooo oneeee siiiings like Gaston!), Apu from the Quik-E-Mart is still from a universe where people break into song with alarming frequency. And, the guy has gotten a few leading roles himself, so he's shown this is an event he can excel at. There's just one catch which is both a blessing and a curse, all of the songs he's sung are known tunes, with different lyrics, which means he'll probably be more comfortable with a different set of lyrics than what the kareoke machine will be piping to him. But, if he can win over the crowd, and keep the pitch right (since that's all the machine cares about) then he might be able to pull this off. And like was said, he does know tunes that will be on the kareoke set list. On the other hand, he'll need those chops, because he's up against a machine at this event. And, well, every event. Bacchus probably isn't the best singer, but being a cyborg, it wouldn't be too surprising if he can study/download the lyrics, and modulate his vocal chords with some kind of auto-tune, which will turn this into a match of experience against tech.
Event 55: Completing a Pokemon Journey
Welcome to the wide world of pokemon! As always, our two competitors will be given a starter of their choice, and a rival not of their choice, and will be set out to frolic in the tall grass, to compete in nation wide institutionalized animal pit fighting, and to get the eight badges necessary to face the Elite Four and prove that they are the very best, like no one was before! Naturally, first one to best the elite four and the plot twist rival who beat them all right before then wins the event.
Our first competitor may have never had anything at all to do with pokemon before, doesn't mean she doesn't have experience getting others to do the grunt work for her on her world wide journey to pick up plot coupons. Only now, there won't be anyone to sass Millenia as she goes at it. I mean, gathering the various body parts of Valmar, gathering the eight badges? How different can it be? Against this we've got a survivor of the downest and dirtiest kind. In fact, Zoey may be looking forward to just getting to travel having something else doing the fighting for her, and mostly not having to deal with the ravenous dead. But, will her skills be adequate, or is this her real test?
Event 56: Jobbing
Sometimes, what the job calls for isn't a triumphant victory. Or even a win of any shape or size. Sometimes, you need to lose. And you need to look good doing it. This is the art of the jobber, the person who makes the entertainment happen because they're there to lose, to suffer, to be defeated. And the best ones are the ones who get us to care about them even as we know they can never win. To root for them even as we watch and wait for the inevitable trainwreck that all their hopes and dreams turn into.
This is the point where I'd give the victory conditions, and a writeup of the strengths and weaknesses of both competitors. But, as I see it, there is no argument this week. Commentors, feel free to prove me wrong. But the match here is Zeus, he who doesn't really know how to lose (Kratos doesn't count as this is Mythology Zeus, not GoW Zeus). Really, the jobbing in Greek mythology is done by mortals who broke some arbitrary rule he or his Olmypos Bros came up with. Or, who stood between him and a fine piece of ass. And against him we have the patron saint of jobbing, Wile. E. Coyote. The guy who, no matter what he was chasing, will lose in the most ludicrous ways because the universe hates him. Huh... kinda like most of the heros of Greek mythology... So, yeah...
Event 57: Abridging
Abridging is the fine art of taking a work, and then cutting out the excess, reducing it down to it's essentials so that someone can get the soul of a work without having to go through all of it. That is proper abridging, we're more interested in comedic abridging, which is similar, except that you're also highlighting the ridiculous of the soul of a work. The more you can keep that essential nature of a work and still keep it funny, the more likely you are to win this event.
Cecilia is noted for her courage, for her mastery of magic, and for being a princess. Less noted is her vibrant personality and busting out the jokes. As such, she'll probably be super good at the formal abridging, but can she make it funny? Against this, we have Pevara of the Red Ajah. Where she is known for... well, being a generally good person, and even showing signs of a sense of humour. Possibly even without having to add on the qualifier "for a member of the Red Ajah" where both things are in direly short supply. She will likely also be good at the formal abridging thing (though not so much as a Brown or White), but will she be able to get more humour?
Event 58: Competitive Blogging
In today's blogosphere the click and link is a hard won and valuable commodity. In order to gain the fame that earlier generations of net stars squandered you need to be sharper, faster, wittier, and more controvercial than ever before. As always, whoever can get the most followers wins.
Our first contestant will be a natural. After all, Graendal has a sharp wit, acute observations, and keen insights into human psychology. Also, the shenanigans she gets up to and the co-worker gossip she'll have to dish out will just be incredible. Because while no one can sing like Gaston, there is no one who can be catty like one of the Forsaken. Against this, we have a lone everyman whose very lack of personality inspires us to empathise with him as he puts up with an incredible amount of ludicrous situations, suicidal orders, and just a heaping helping of shit from the universe. The Orc Peon, taking to the net under the title Stop Poking Me!, will share his slice of life stories from a world of warcraft.
Event 59: Running a Nation
We've had the debates, we've had the wars, but now we've got the peacetime challenge. Running a nation, full stop. Both of our contestants will be provided a pretty standard country if they can't otherwise provide one of their own. And they'll be given a four year term, and at the end, we'll take a look and see which country did better.
Our first competitor has a way with words and a sharp mind, which is good because he's got nothing else going for him, literally. But Morte won't let being a floating skull stop him, as his wordcraft will prove to be the key to his performance in this challenge. The problem is, he's not great at making friends, but that might not be necessary if he's smart about his policies. Against this we have another super intelligent competitor. Yup, Super Spy Citan Uzuki will show us if he's as good at leading nations as he is at spying. Given how many heads of state he pals around with (and let's be honest, Citan's buddies are probably doing more ruling of Fatima than Bart is) and who he seems to share some hefty discussions with, the man probably comes into this with some good idea of what does, and does not work. At least, in a world torn apart by gears and fighting. Maybe a land at peace will trip him up?
Event 60: Committing Acts of Unnatural Science!
And after some matches with some great competitors, we have this... Committing acts of unnatural science is exactly what it sounds like. Regular scientists have ethical boundaries, or will otherwise be held back by things like self-preservation, or not wanting to wreck the world because it's where they and the guy who signs their paychecks lives. This match is about the people who are mad, who are touched in the head, who are generally laughed at by supposed fools at the academy. The people who pervert the laws of nature and physics in their science.
We're... not gonna get any of that. First up, we have Tidus. The guy's not an idiot, but he ain't super bright either. His only real advantage is that he probably knows some rudimentry stuff about Machina given where he grew up, and the local religion publically files playing with Machina under this category. Against this, we have Oberyn Martell, who has the advantage of not being held back by ethical constraints. Of course, what he'll do probably won't be classified as acts of science, unnatural or otherwise. Just... unnatural acts. Because Westeros is special like that.
Quick Vote Form
Event 53: Heckling
Vegeta (DBZ) vs. He-Man (Prince Adam)
Event 54: Kareoke
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon (The Simpsons) vs. Bacchus D-79 (Star Ocean: The Last Hope)
Event 55: Completing a Pokemon Journey
Millenia (Grandia 2) vs. Zoey (Left4Dead)
Event 56: Jobbing
Zeus (Mythology) vs. Wile E. Coyote (Super Genius)
Event 57: Abridging
Cecilia Lynn Adelhyde (Wild ARMs) vs. Pevara Tazanohvi (Wheel of Time)
Event 58: Competitive Blogging
Graendael (Wheel of Time) vs. Orc Peon (Warcraft)
Event 59: Running a Nation
Morte (Planescape Torment) vs. Citan Uzuki (Xenogears)
Event 60: Committing Acts of Unnatural Science!
Tidus (FFX) vs. Oberyn Martell (Game of Thrones)
