So...by demand in chat, my next abridged has been chosen and it'd be an unconventional pick, so without further ado...
Final Fantasy 14: Stormblood Abridged
Ok, so before we start, a quick note that yes, I will be inserting Meepel into this as though she's the "canon" main because it's far more interesting than a silent protagonist. She has a gimmick, which...well...you'll figure it out! No, I will not tell you what certain letters mean!
Faize: Wait, why am I here?
Narrator: Because I quit and someone else is going to narrate this story, and since you were the original person who broke the fourth wall and criticized...
Faize: That seems hardly fair...
Narrator: Deal with it.
Faize: *sigh* Fine. *ahem* So after ending a 1000 year long war by stabbing a Dragon in the face...
P. Meepel: Multiple times I might add!
Faize: HEY! Don't break the fourth wall this early! Anyway, and then trounced the Warriors of Darkness who threatened to break reality because they were pissed off.
D. Meepel: Nay, they were a dishonorable crew trying to revive gods in order to kill them so people would kill themselves. They got the rightful JUSTICE!!! they deserved and were...not actually killed, but have to deal with Minfillia...I guess that counts? Oh, and Alisaie decided to be awesome, a true warriors warrior!
Faize: Ok, you just broke the 4th Wall AND stole part of my narrative! And then with the help of Nero, our heroes unleashed FF5 Omega on FF5 Shinryu, leading fanboys to squee, and there was a lot of war, death and oh yeah, apparently that's where we left off.
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH PUNY SLOPPY MAN!
Faize: ok, screw it, just start the story in the Rising Stones already, this narrative isn't really working.
*in the Rising Stones*
Alphinaud: So, now that we've basically broken down Baelsar's Wall, killed the Griffon, watched a robot fight a giant dragon, named said Dragon, I think it's time we go to Ala Mhigo.
P. Meepel: Sounds good to me. At least it's not that frozen wasteland that is Ishgard.
D. Meepel: Yeah, but it's probably hot, I need to find proper attire that is both comfortable in the heat, yet not unfitting of a true honorbound hero like myself!
Alisaie: Is she...talking to herself?
Alphinaud: Yes, yes she is. You'll get use to it in due time, sister. Anyway, as Scions, we should form a party and head out. We need volunteers besides myself, so whose in?
Lyse: Me.
Y'shtola: Me.
Krile: Me.
Alisaie: Me.
Alphinaud: Well, that was easy. I guess Urianger, you stay behind and research primals because that's all you ever do.
Urianger: Got it!
Alphinaud: And I guess Thancred will single handedly defend Eorzea while we're gone?
Thancred: Already defended 5 times in the past 10 minutes!
Alphinaud: I...just...nevermind. There is one member we still need to address *eyes Meepel*
P. Meepel: ...yes?
Alphinaud: We're going to a foreign land, and the Garlean Empire is there and seeing as you took down a legatus...and multiple gods...and a giant robot meant to kill said gods...a huge Dragon that was the first brood...
P. Meepel: I don't see any of that is relevant...
Alphinaud: What I'm saying is...you're single handedly the most valuable person on the team when fighting off a whole miltiary and we need you, please come?
P. Meepel: ...you're not going to let me say no, are you?
Alphinaud: Not really.
D. Meepel: I guess FOR HONOR, and GLORY, I will go and help defend Eorzea in Ala Mhigo!
Alphinaud: ...I'll take that as a yes, but before we go, let's see how our Doman allies are!
*next room*
Yuigiri: Yeah, we'd love to help but I think we need to check on Doma. I mean, we did just see a huge dragon fly off in that direction and SOMEONE has to help out.
Gotsetsu: And I had chance to introduce myself, SO MY TIME IS UP FOR NOW!
Alisaie: ...is he drunk?
Yuigiri: I don't think "sober" applies to him ever.
*in Gyr Abania*
Raubahn: Ah, the Scions, excellent. We've set up camp here.
Lyse: So what's the situation?
Raubahn: Exactly the same as it was yesterday. In any event, we need someone to talk to the Ala Mhigans to joining.
Alphinaud: Well that's why we're here!
Raubahn: Yes, but we can't find where they are!
Lyse: I know where they are, leave it to me!
*at a giant freaking rock*
Alphinaud: All I see is a huge boulder.
W. Meepel: Boulder? MEEPEL SMASH GIANT BOULDER!
Y'shtola: Wait, there's no boulder here...that's a glamour to hide the area, isn't it?
Lyse: Exactly right! I will use this Glamour Dispeller to get through it!
*inside the resistance camp*
Conrad: Aha, so you're from the Eorzean Alliance, welcome!
Lyse: It's good to be back, but we have urgent news to as-...
Conrad: You're going to ask us to join, aren't you, or at least an alliance?
Alisaie: Look, can we cut out all the middle stuff and you just say yes so we can get on with this?
Conrad: ...ok, that works. We're in, but people need a MORALE BOOST before we can be effective.
Alphinaud: Ok, but I'll have nothing to do with that, I need to head back and get people from the Scion base, GOOD DAY!
Alisaie: ...after all that, he just leaves...
P. Meepel: He does that a lot...
Alisaie: I didn't say I was surprised...wait, where did Y'shtola and Krile go?
D. Meepel: Tending the wounded, like any good healer should! SUCH DEDICATION TO THEIR JOB! IT BRINGS A TEAR TO MY EYE ;_;
W. Meepel: Meepel hate puny garleans. Meepel want crush Garlean scum!
Alisaie: Well, all we need is a token victory to raise morale...anything our information sources can help with?
M'naago: Well...you see...
Alisaie: WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?
M'naago: ...we've already met though! I helped at Baelsar's Wall! It's not fair!
Alisaie: ...I'll take your word for it...
M'naago: ANYWAY, apparently there's some prototype Magitek Armor they want tot est out and we can ambush it. If we can destroy it ahead of time, it'll be a minor but impactful blow that will sure to help people out!
Alisaie: And we can use the element of surprise, let's go tell Pippin!
P. Meepel: Wait, why Pippin? Shouldn't we tell his far more capable father?
Alisaie: Look, he needs a chance to prove himself. I mean, he's a Gladiator despie being a Lalafell, you of all people should respect that...
P. Meepel: Well, can't say you don't have a point...
*Eorzean Alliance Camp*
Pippin: That plan sounds a little too convenient, and will only really work if they have an incompetent leader that we may or may not have run into already.
Alisaie: That's another way of saying "Let's do it" isn't it?
Pippin: Pretty much.
M'naago: Eorzeans have a weird way of using words.
P. Meepel: Well, if you want to be technical, Alisaie is from Sharlya, and Raubahn is from Ala Mhigo and...wait what were we talking about right now?
D. Meepel: We were going to destroy a horrible murder machine to save the lives of many defenseless innocents.
P. Meepel: Oh, right, heroing!
*after many failed attempts due to FF14 Early Access shenanigans I am forced to reference*
Raubahn: Ok, we're in position.
Pippin: Wait, father, when did you get here?
Raubahn: I was always part of this mission!
Alisaie: SHHH! You're going to give away our position.
Grynwald*: Ah, I dinnae this we have any trouble 'bout ere, laddies. Easy pickins!
Pippin: That giant robot is probably the Magitek Armor. So what's the best course of...
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH MAGITEK ARMOR!!! *Charges in with a huge freaking axe*
Pippin: ...I guess there's no point in figuring that out now...
Alisaie: Let's just get this over with...
*I forget how you spell his name but going with that for now
*one fight later*
Grynwald: Wut? I b'en bested by the Warrior of Light again!? Blast, Ah'll get ye next time, ye brute!
D. Meepel: A decisive and honorable victory! *whistles the FF Victory theme while doing Cloud's winning stance*
M'naago: Did her axe just turn into a glowing Greatsw-...
Alisaie: Yes, yes it did, and we don't have time to explain that!
*back at Rhalgr's Reach, the resistance camp*
Conrad: Excellent, that should slow them down, but we still need more men!
Lyse: I got an idea, I'll go to my hometown and ask them for help, surely they'll do us a solid!
Meffrid: Can I be important and help too?
Lyse: Sure, why not. Meepel, you're coming with me too!
P. Meepel: Of course I am, not because I want to, but because literally nothing gets done if I am not there to take action.
Lyse: See, you're catching on!
P. Meepel: Oh don't worry, I figured this out a long time ago...like, around the time I fought Ifrit long ago...on reflection, why haven't I quit again?
D. Meepel: Honor?
P. Meepel: ...eh, sure, why not.
*at Lyse's hometown*
Lyse: Hey guys, LET'S FIGHT THE GARLEANS!
Elder: No.
Lyse: What!? But why?
Elder: Look, while you were busy having fun in Eorzea dancing around and punching things with your sister Yda...
Lyse: Technically, Yda wasn't there much and I was more punching things alongside a bothersome intellectual Lalafell Thaumaturge...
Elder: NOT THE POINT! Point is, we've lost so much, and living is the best we got, we're not going to throw our lives away.
Lyse: But...
Elder: YOU HAVE NO PLACE HERE DESERTER!
Lyse: You're spineless!
Elder: AND STILL ALIVE!
P. Meepel: So while you two were arguing, I caught wind that a merchant is lost and we should probably go help him.
Lyse: What does that have to do with our quest?
P. Meepel: I dunno, just it's a lot more interesting than hearing you two argue in circles.
D. Meepel: Plus, a helpless soul like may be in trouble! WE MUST MAKE HASTE TO INSURE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS
P. Meepel: And yeah, what she said.
Meffrid: So...can I help on this mission?
Lyse: Sure.
Meffrid: Yay, I can be important!
*one useless quest later*
Meffrid: Was I important?
Lyse: I...oh look, a former friend of mine!
Youth: YOU'RE A JERK!
Lyse: But...
Youth: LOOK AT US! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
P. Meepel: I have no idea what's going on...
D. Meepel: Alas I myself am perplexed...
W. Meepel: Meepel's Head hurts...
Meffrid: Hey, I heard some other guy is in trouble, we should help him!
Lyse: FINE! If it means I don't have to deal with this jerk!
*a quest in a ziggurat later*
Merchant: Thank you, now I need to BRING THESE ILLEGAL OBJECTS OVER QUESTIONABLE TERRITORY!
P. Meepel: This won't go over well, will it?
Lyse: He's going to get himself killed...
D. Meepel: TO RESCUE HIM WE WILL!
Meffrid: Indeed, let's go!
*at the bridge*
Lyse: Are those...Garleans?
Meffrid: Worse, Skulls!
P. Meepel: Are you going to explain what skulls are?
Meffrid: No!
*scene where-in Ala Mhigans who sympathize with Garlea beat up worthless merchant and walk away*
Lyse: That's horrible...
Meffrid: BUt that's the reality. He's alive, which is lucky for him.
Fordola: I smell something...probably not important, BUT I AM IMPORTANT!
Meffrid: Did I here someone being important!?
Lyse: No, you didn't, let's go back!
*back at the hometown*
Elder: You helped us, thank you, but unfortunately much as we want to help, we simply do not have the man power. I apologize but we want to, but can't.
Youth: I can.
Elder: WE HAVE NO ONE WHO CAN HELP!
Youth: No, really, I can help you guys.
Elder: MAY THE GODS BE WITH YOU!
Youth: ...yeah, I'm helping you guys.
Lyse: Well, one is better than nothing!
*at Rhalgr's Reach*
Conrad: Well, it seems we have a few more warriors...
P. Meepel: By a few, you mean one...
Conrad: And the empire's forces are dwindled a bit!
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH PUNY SECRET WEAPON!
Conrad: So we can finally make our move, right?
Alisaie: Yes, let's get this battle under way! We shall plot our next move!
Alphinaud: Plot? Did someone say plot!?
Alisaie: Where...did you come from? How did you get here so fast?
Alphinaud: ...teleporting is a basic magic ability anyone in Eorzea has, sister, why are you surprised?
Alisaie: I dunno, just didn't expect to see you like this.
Alphinaud: Anyway, I brought someone willing to help.
Arevold: I AM AREVOLD! I AM HALF ALA MHIGAN! PLEASURE TO MEET YOU!
Conrad: ...
Alisaie: ...
Lyse: ...
P. Meepel: ...
D. Meepel: SUCH PASSION! SUCH SPIRIT! GLAD TO HAVE YOU ABOARD!
Conrad: So...go tell the Alliance that we're ready to make our move.
Alphinaud: Got it! Let's go tell Raubahn!
*at the Castrum*
Raubahn: Attacking when they least expect it? Ok, sounds good, let's go!
*meanwhile, at Zenos' castle*
Zenos: Ah, the joys of being IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING. Tell me soldier, what's the status...
Soldier: Well uh...sir...things are as normal...
Zenos: Are you...being useless!?
Soldier: NO sir! By the spikes on your father's spikes I am useful, sir!
Zenos: Ah, good, you are-...wait, are yo mocking my father's fashion sense!?
Soldier: No sir! I did not make fun of the fact that he has too many spikes than should be feasible for someone to wear!
Zenos: That sounds like mockery to me! YOU WILL PAY FOR SUCH INSOLENCE!
*murders soldier*
Fordola: Sir, I have a plan that we can rid the rebels.
Soldier #2: KNOW YOUR PLACE ALA MHIGAN WORM!
Fordola: But sir, I have an ide-...
Soldier #2: YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A PAWN FOR US! BE HONORED WE LET YOU FIGHT ALONGSIDE US, DOG!
Zenos: Calm yourself, this "dog" seems to wish to hunt her own kin, I believe she at least deserves to be humored.
Fordola: Sir! My idea is this!
*fade away*
*at the attack site*
Pippin: Excellent, everything is in range!
P. Meepel: Yes, things are looking good.
Alphinaud: If everything goes well, this should be a decisive blow!
Alisaie: Indeed. I mean, what could go wrong!?
P. Meepel: ...
Alphinaud: ...
Alisaie: Did I say something wrong?
P. Meepel/Alphinaud: THAT'S THE WORST POSSIBLE THING ANYONE CAN SAY!
Alisaie: I don't know what you-...
*explosion in Rhalgr's Reach*
D. Meepel: Alas! We must quit this attack and aide the resistance! THEY WILL NEED OUR HELP!
Alphinaud: Hate to say it, but she's right.
*at Rhalgr's Reach, battle between Resistance and Garleans*
Meffrid: *kills a Garlean* HA! See!? I'M IMPORTANT!
Fordola: Important you say!? WELL SO AM I!
Meffrid: THEN PROVE YOUR IMPORTANCE TO ME!
Fordola: PERHAPS I WILL! ENGARDE!
*Fordola wins*
Meffrid: NO! I'm suppose to be important *dies*
Lyse: MEFFRID! Traitorous scum, you will pay for this!
Fordola: really? And what are you going to do against someone IMPORTANT LIKE ME!
Lyse: Simply. Punch you in the face! After all, I'm not just important, I'M A MAIN CHARACTER!!
*cue cool fight scene here*
Zenos: Down, woman! You clearly are not worthy of fighting a MAIN CHARACTER.
Fordola: I...I...
Zenos: Back down, I will handle this!
Lyse: DIE GARLEAN SCUM!
*she punches Zenos, who blocks all her punches with one hand ala a Shonen Anime Villain*
Zenos: My turn! *knocks Lyse down* And now...you die! *goes for killing blow*
Y'shtola: I GOT THIS! *Barrier*
Zenos: Clever...a magic barrier...BUT IT WON'T BE ENOUGH!
*Barrier shatters, Y'shtola slashed*
Lyse: Y'shtola! NO!!!
Zenos: Oh look, I might have killed her!
Lyse: She can't die, not like this!
*meanwhile, at the entrance*
Alphinaud: Krile! What's going on?
Krile: We were attacked, what do you THINK happened?
Alphinaud: Well, I uhh...
Alisaie: Can we just go in and fight them?
P. Meepel: I agree with the female Lleveliar!
Alphinaud: Ok, so our party consists of me, who is an Arcanist and my Obsidian Carbuncle, that's DPS. Pippin is a Gladiator, that's a tank, Krile is a Conjurer and...Alisaie, what are you?
Alisaie: I have a sword, what do you think I am?
Alphinaud: But you...don't have a shield...
P. Meepel: Look, I'm a tank too, we can do this with 3 tanks instead of a 2nd DPS, so let's just rush in there ok?
*one awesome single player instanced later*
D. Meepel: We have rescued many a fallen ally! Let us press on and defeat our foes further!
Pippin: Someone please translate that for me?
W. Meepel: MEEPEL SMASH PUNY IMPERIALS!
Pippin: ...fair enough.
*team gets to Lyse who is captured, and rescues her*
Lyse: Conrad and Y'shtola need healing, now! THEY'RE GOING TO DIE!
Krile: On it! Alphinaud, get the old guy.
Alphinaud: Right!
Zenos: All these foes were worthless, but perhaps you 3 will be good.
Pippin: Is he referring to us?
Alisaie: I think so...
P. Meepel: So...we have 3 Gladiators against him...does anyone else find this redundant?
Zenos: You must be bad at math, because I only see ONE Gladiator!
P. Meepel: Oh god, not that cliche...
Alisaie: What are you-*is knocked out by one move, Pippin too*
P. Meepel: ...Ok, I can do this, I've beaten Gods and other crazy things before! ...with a full party of 4 or 8...that consisted of varied fighting styles...aaaah crap...
D. Meepel: Fear not, we can do this! We just need to push through with STRENGTH, HONOR AND-...
*explosion that ends the fight*
D. Meepel: ...I did not forsee such a tactic, you win this round, villain!
P. Meepel: Leave the planning to me next time!
D. Meepel: You had given up hope, do not pretend as though your outcome would be any better!
P. Meepel: And thanks to you, we're going to be feeling sore for at least a week!
D. Meepel: BUT AT LEAST I WENT OUT LIKE A MAN!
P. Meepel: ...but...that...I...you...
W. Meepel: QUIET! MEEPELS NOISY AND MAKING ME ANGRY!
P. Meepel/D. Meepel: YES MA'AM!
Zenos: If you're quite done arguing with yourself...
P. Meepel: NEVER!
D. Meepel: HUSH! Let the vile one speak...
Zenos: I have to say...there is no point in continuing this and...why is my sword broken...screw it, I'm going to use that as an excuse to leave, GOOD BYE!
Alisaie: Why did he leave you alive?
Lyse: No! Y'shtola, don't die!
Krile: SHhh! She'll be fine...kind of...look she needs a doctor, I've done all I can.
Alphinaud: Meanwhile, this old guy is fully healed.
Krile: Wait what? I'm the healer and you healed him better?
Alphinaud: Turns out he wasn't actually injured, just fell asleep...in the middle of the battle...not even sure how he did that...
Conrad: Either way, we've lost, but it seems we need a new approach.
Raubahn: Hmm...Zenos controls both this area and Doma...whcih is across the sea.
Alphinaud: AHA! Meepel, do you know what we need to do!?
P. Meepel: ...I get the feeling you're going to tell me anyway... *actual dialog prompt option*
Alphinaud: Why yes, WE SHOULD GO TO DOMA!
P. Meepel: ...why?
Alphinaud: Well, you see, he rules over there and here so...
P. Meepel: ...go on...
Alphinaud: Someone can't be in two places at once...even for someone as perfect as you that's impossible...
P. Meepel: Oh trust me, I'll find a way, just you wait!
D. Meepel: This is not a time for jest!
P. Meepel: ...who said I was joking?
Alphinaud: EIther way, it'll force them to split their forces, and we attack on two fronts! Of course we'll need a Scion kept back here to watch over Y'shtola and keep things under control. Someone smart with high healing capabilities, ideally small so they can get around fast...
Krile: ...look, just say it already. "Krile, can you please stay behind and handle things here?" It's faster and less patronizing!
Alphinaud: Er...ok, Krile, can you stay here and help out?
Krile: See, that wasn't so hard! And of course I can.
*The above few lines actually happen*
Alphinaud: IN any event, since it's across the sea, TO LIMSA LOMINSA!!!!
*in Limsa Lominsa*
Alisaie: Ok, brother, I get that this is a port town, but let's be real...WE CAN'T TAKE AN AIRSHIP INTO GARLEAN TERRITORY AND WE CANNOT TAKE AN ARMADA SHIP.
Alphinaud: I know, I kind of didn't think that far in advance...
Lyse: Aren't you the brains of the group?
Alphinaud: Hey, I didn't say I didn't have a plan...
Lyse: Well, do you?
Alphinaud: ...not really, BUT TATARU DOES!
Tataru: Yes, I do! Meet the leader of the Kraken's Arms, Carvallain!
Alisaie: ...he's a pirate...
Carvallain: Yes, yes I am!
Alisaie: ...why are we trusting a pirate?
Carvallain: Because you have no other option!
Alphinaud: Forgive my sister, she can be a little...blunt...at times. Look, we need your help, can you offer it?
Carvallain: Yes, yes I can, and I have already been compensated. Please note I can't take you to Doma, just across the sea to Kugane.
Alphinaud: It's a start, let's do it! We should first ask our Doman allies to come aboard for some guidance of course...
P. Meepel: Wait, does that mean...no, please, don't tell me you need...
Alphinaud: Meepel, please return to the Rising Stones.
P. Meepel/D. Meepel/W. Meepel: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
*one return later*
D. Meepel: I swear, those words should be considered illegal and justice should be dealt upon anyone who says them as a result!
P. Meepel: I agree.
Alphinaud: Well, let's get going!
Urianger: Hey, I'm in this game, let me do something!
Alphinaud: Er...what do you want to do?
Urianger: I have this cool looking Crystal Rapier for Alisaie.
Alisaie: But I have a cool looking Crystal Sword already!
Urianger: BUt this one is lighter and better suited for you! Let's face it, you're not exactly tanking material.
P. Meepel: Yeah, that's my job!
Uiranger: But this should let you stab things more efficiently, try it out!
Alisaie: ...you neglected to mention the convenient detach-able orb on this that let's me cast magic too...any reason for that?
Urianger: Look just take the rapier and change your fighting style to Red Mage which is how you actually trained.
Alisaie: Right!
Alphinaud: Ok, NOW we can go!
*one boat trip and an overdue filler dungeon later that we don't need to talk about*
Alisaie: Well, here we are.
Lyse: Indeed, but we're still not on the mainland of Othard.
Alphinaud: ok, Pirate, I know you've done what you were paid for, but can you at least answer me a question out of good faith?
Carvalliar: SHoot.
Alphinaud: How would one go about getting to the mainland from here?
Carvalliar: Ask people, you're not the first visitors here trying to get to Doma after all.
Alphinaud: Right, Yuigiri came through here no doubt, let's find details!
Merchant (name eludes me, but he has one): Aha, there you Scions are!
Alphinaud: And who are you?
Merchant: Lolorito sent me.
Alphinaud: GOOD DAY WE ARE LEAVING!
Merchant: Oh COME ON! Are you still upset over the Crystal Braves thing?
Alphinaud: Lolorito is like the single least trustworthy guy ever, I already know this is a bad idea.
Merchant: Can't you at least listen to me?
Alphinaud: Why should I?
Merchant: Because I have important info. If you come with me, I can tell you...besides, there's spies everywhere.
Faize: And so the Scions end up in Kugane. Will they join Lolorito? Will they succeed? And will Meepel ever get in touch with her Healer side?
P. Meepel/D. Meepel: NO!
Faize: Tune in next time for Stormblood Abridged!