 | Hey, this is a pretty nice place.
|
 | Are you sure it's okay for us to use your studio like this, Mr. Nanjo?
|
 | Yeah, sure. It's not like I had much choice in the matter.
|
 | Ohohohohoho!
|
 | I wonder what she thinks is so funny?
|
| I don't think I want to know, honestly.
|
| Just...try not to blow up my building, okay?
|
| Don't worry, everything's in good hands.
|
| Well, at least two of us are both sane and competent. We'll try to do our best.
|
| Okay, so who do we have to interview first? We start with Godlike, right?
|
| No, no, no, that's not how you do it! First we have to introduce the show properly. Like this! *ahem*
|
| Welcome one and all to a special edition of Behind the Scenes for weeks one and two of Season 54! In honor of the American release of Dissidia Final Fantasy, the owner of this show has graciously decided to allow me, the great mage Shantotto, to host the show along with my cohorts, the unranked heroes from the Final Fantasy franchise!
|
| Hey, she's pretty good at this.
|
| Well when you like the sound of your own voice that much...
|
| Okay, so now we start interviewing, right?
|
| Yes! And since you're so eager, you can introduce the Godlikes.
|
| Alright! Fighting for the highest honor in the league, two warriors take their first step along the road to the championship! For one, it's a road well traveled, with three championships already in her possession, it's Piastol from Skies of Arcadia!
|
 | Uh, who are you lot?
|
| And the second, an upgrader from the Heavy division and a man with the true passion of an ace, it's the blitzball star and dashing swordsman, our old buddy Tidus!
|
 | Hey guys, what's up?
|
| You know these pipsqueaks?
|
| ...
|
| Uh, yes. And...you really don't want to tick them off. Especially the little lady. Though...on that note, why aren't you talking in rhymes like usual, Shantotto?
|
| Are you insinuating that I'm not capable of speaking however I please?
|
| Ah, no. No I'm not.
|
| I didn't think so.
|
| Right. So someone want to clue me in on what's going on here?
|
| Weren't you listening to miss Shantotto's introduction?
|
| Not really? Look, the usual batch of lunatics hosting this show have kinda conditioned alot of us to just tune them out.
|
| Okay, these are my pals Firion, the Onion Knight, Bartz and Shantotto. They're hosting the show today.
|
| Onion Knight? What kind of a name is that?
|
| Hey, it's a very prestigious job! The strongest there is, even! Well...sometimes anyway.
|
| Enough of all that! It's now time for Shantotto's Lightning Interview Corner! Bartz, explain the rules!
|
| Uh, I don't know the rules.
|
| Then make some up, simpleton!
|
| Okay, okay. Uh, lightning interview...okay, how's this? You have to answer the questions really fast!
|
| A speed round, huh? That's right up my alley.
|
| A good start but a bit lacking. What else?
|
| Uh...and if you don't answer fast enough you get hit by lightning?
|
| ...
|
| ...
|
| ...YES! I'll alternate questions so be ready. Now, let's begin with Piastol!
|
| So is she really gonna zap me if I don't play along?
|
| Yes.
|
| Yeah.
|
| Probably.
|
| Um, sorry?
|
| Let's just get this over with.
|
| Piastol! Who is your opponent this week?
|
| Celes Chere.
|
| Tidus! What kind of arena record does your opponent have.
|
| None. Kartikeya's a newbie.
|
| Piastol! What makes you think you can defeat your opponent?
|
| Eternum. Next.
|
| Tidus! How many attempts will this make at Godlike?
|
| Third time's the charm.
|
| And now, it's time for the bonus round! Who wants to go first?
|
| All yours Tidus. I insist.
|
| Uh, alright. Bring it on!
|
| Now, for the final question, if you get it right you win the prize and if you fail, you lose it all...
|
| I've got a bad feeling about this.
|
| What...do I have in my POCKETS!?
|
| What? Uh...spare change?
|
| Wrong! Ohohohoho!
|
| *THOOM*
|
| ...
|
| He's gonna be pretty mad at me later, isn't he?
|
| So does this mean I win?
|
| Yes! As your prize, you may ask us a question in return! Go on now, don't be shy.
|
| Okay, I'll bite. What did that kid mean about Onion Knight being the strongest but only sometimes?
|
| Oh, that's easy. It depends entirely on whether or not I'm fully equipped.
|
| ...
|
| Is something the matter?
|
| I...I'm starting to turn into Edge. Oh god. I...I need to go.
|
| Okay? So does that mean we're done with Godlike?
|
| Yes. Now it is time for Heavy. Bartz, you shall do the introductions!
|
| Right. From Heavy welcome the martial arts master with a funny name, Fei Fong Wong, and the android girl Demi!
|
 | Hi.
|
 | Greetings.
|
| ...that was boring. You don't get to do any more introductions.
|
| You expected creativity from Bartz?
|
| Hey, I can be creative!
|
| Like you were with that Lightning Round?
|
| I'm not good when I'm put on the spot like that, okay?
|
| We can come back later if this is a bad time.
|
| No, no, everything's fine! So, please introduce yourselves for our audience!
|
| Okay. I'm Fei, main character of Xenogears. And when I'm not piloting giant robots and practicing world destroying martial arts, I paint.
|
| I'm Demi, the reigning Heavy champion. I manage the environmental systems.
|
| Wow, you're tiny.
|
| I think she's still bigger then you, kid.
|
| Well, yeah. But I'm used to everyone towering over me, not being just a little taller.
|
| And now that the introductions are done, it's time for the interviewing! Time to play...Shantotto's Hotseat! Firion, explain the rules!
|
| ...yeah, I see where this one's going. Okay, so the rules are that Shantotto is going to ask you questions and you have to answer them.
|
| Isn't that basically a normal interview?
|
| Yep.
|
| Bleh, that's boring. Can't you spice it up a little?
|
| I know what you're wanting me to say, and no.
|
| Boring boring boring. You don't get to make up the rules anymore. Oh well, I guess I'll start with...DEMI!
|
| Yes?
|
| Usually the champion upgrades to the next division, yes? Why are you still in Heavy?
|
| It was a very tough pool. I did well, but not well enough to upgrade.
|
| I see. So, you're a highly advanced android, can you tell us your odds of becoming champion two seasons in a row?
|
| Incalculable at this time. Allowance for the insane hijinks that are commonplace in this setting makes the odds of more then the very next match impossible to judge.
|
| Bleh, so boring. Fei! You will be more entertaining, yes?
|
| Yes?
|
| Excellent! Now, tell me, do you expect to go far in this season?
|
| Absolutely.
|
| And why might that be, when your record is FIVE losses to a mere three wins?
|
| Because this is Heavy, not Godlike? I hit way too hard for this division to handle.
|
| Even when your first opponent is a notorious PC killing assassin?
|
| Hmph. She'll be too busy dieing in one punch to do anything.
|
| Well, well. You're very brave, so I suspect you do hit hard indeed! Ohohoho!
|
| Ugh, that was horrible.
|
| I don't get it.
|
| Now! Since the robot girl is boring, I deem Fei the winner of this interview!
|
| This was a competitive interview?
|
| Do those even exist?
|
| They do now! And your prize is that you get to ask us a question! Go on, anything that comes to mind.
|
| Any idea if there's going to be another game like Dissidia that will cover more then just the Final Fantasy games? You know, one that a main character from another popular Square game might be able to get in on?
|
| Hmm, I haven't heard anything.
|
| Yeah, me neither.
|
| Aw man. I've been getting my hopes up, too.
|
| Sorry man. But keep dreaming, you never know what can happen, right?
|
| Yeah, I guess.
|
| And now we are done with Heavy! Out with the boring robot girls, out with the emo artists! And in with...Firion, it is your turn for introductions. Try to be less boring.
|
| Make it flowery, gotcha. Introducing, two fighters in the Middle division, each with dreams of victory and championship gold. First there is a man who has not been seen in forty seasons, a mastermind of intrigue who's mastery of the Mighty Sword makes him a daunting opponent physically and mentally, it's Vormav Tingel!
|
 | With an introduction like that, I feel like I'm on a game show.
|
| With Shantotto running things, you're not far off.
|
| Oh dear.
|
| Secondly, we have the Shrike rune wielding ninja of the Island Republic, a swift and deadly warrior who strength should not be underestimated despite her poor record, Mizuki!
|
 | Did you have to bring up the zero-one record?
|
| Sorry. Anyway, that good enough for you Shantotto?
|
| That's more like it. Now, before we start playing, lets have our contestants introduce themselves!
|
| Contestants? Playing? this really is a gameshow.
|
| Why do we need to introduce ourselves, didn't the guy with the bandana already do that?
|
| Hmm, I suppose he did. So, now it's time to play...Shantotto's Chilling Secrets! Onion Knight, it is time for you to explain the rules!
|
| Um...
|
| Don't do it, kid. Don't give her what she wants, that'll just encourage her.
|
| Hush you.
|
| Okay, the rules are that Shantotto gets to ask you about your secrets. And if you don't answer you lose the game.
|
| Aaaaand?
|
| Um...and if you win you get the prize of getting to ask us a question.
|
| Good man.
|
| Bah! Boring! Fine, I'll get started. Vormav, is it true that you're actually a Giant Space Flea?
|
| Absolutely not. I'm a giant demonic lion. Though I did pick up some space fleas the time I butchered that moon colony.
|
| Hmm, good enough. Now, Mizuki! Are you, or aren't you, Akaghi's girlfriend?
|
| I...um...I...I'm still thinking! I don't know! What does my personal life have to do with anything anyway?
|
| It means that you lose the game! Ohohoho!
|
| Tch. It was a stupid game anyway.
|
| I think that may be the easiest and most pointless thing I've ever won.
|
| Well, the rules say you get to ask us something now. You have any questions?
|
| Well, I was curious as to why you three aren't ranked?
|
| Lack of playership.
|
| No uniqueness.
|
| Ditto.
|
| To which one?
|
| Both.
|
| Ah. I see. Well, that's unfortunate.
|
| And that's Middle, over and done with! So, now it is time for Light and I shall do the introductions myself! First we have a giant lizard who you could easily mistake for a pokemon since all he can say is his own name, ARD!
|
 | Ard.
|
| Yes, just like that! And his interviewing opponent, Seth the boring paladin on a boring horse from a boring country.
|
 | Pardon? Say what you will about me, but do not slander Renais.
|
| Well then you shouldn't be from a boring country if you don't want people to say bad things about it.
|
| Hmph.
|
| So what's the game this time?
|
| Funny you should ask...the game is, Shantotto's Exploding Loser Pokemon Style Interview! Bartz, it's time for you to explain the rules again!
|
| You can't be serious.
|
| Well, I guess that means you have to answer the questions while talking like a pokemon. And if you lose you explode.
|
| ...
|
| Bartz...
|
| Oh, wait, that was a bad idea, right. Can I get a do-over?
|
| NO! Once set, the rules cannot be changed!
|
| Oops.
|
| Ard?
|
| Yes, just like that! So, let's begin! Ard, what do you think of your upcoming match against Selphie?
|
| Ardardard!
|
| Fascinating. And what about you, Seth? How will you fare against the ice demon Serph?
|
| ...
|
| No answer? Are you forfeiting?
|
| Seth. Seth seth.
|
| Ohohohohoho! How right you are! Tell me more about this inevitable loss of yours.
|
| Alright that's going a little too far, Shantotto.
|
| ...Seth seth seth.
|
| Well Selphie is quite a fearsome opponent. I'm sure no one will blame you for swearing allegiance to her instead of your current stupid, ugly queen of boring-land.
|
| Hey, how can she tell what he's saying like that?
|
| ...come on, even you can't really be THAT stupid.
|
| ...
|
| I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't hear you clearly.
|
| That is ENOUGH! I will endure any defeat or humiliation for myself, but when you speak ill of her majesty you go too far!
|
| Oh, and you broke the rules. You lose! Ohohohohohohoho!
|
| *BOOM*
|
| Woah, I think she vaporized him.
|
| Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm thoroughly embarrassed to be seen in public with her.
|
| So I guess now Mr. Ard gets to ask us a question?
|
| Ardard?
|
| Uh, I'm going to pretend that was a yes or no question and say no.
|
| Ard!
|
| I guess that's it for the show then.
|
| I suppose I should say something. So this twisted mockery of unbiased reporting has been a special Dissidia edition of Behind the Scenes. I apologize to all the viewers, I'm sure that your regular cast will be able to make up for this disaster with more level headed and fair coverage on week 3.
|
| Ohohohohohohoho!
|
| Tch, what's she laughing about now?
|
| Uh, Firion? Have you ever watched this show before?
|
| No...
|
| Yeah, I didn't think so. |
I, Kazan, bid you welcome to the RPG Dueling League, dedicated to the art of pitting the greatest warriors of the RPG Multiverse against each other in honourable combat! Within lies the greatest showcase of fighting talent you will ever lay your eyes upon!