Season 57, Week 2
Taro
(Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories) 		 
This week's writeup comes in the form of a letter, and we hope you enjoy its contents: "Dear Princess, this week I will finally debut in the Duelling League! My enemy's Eliwood, a Lord from Pherae. When I heard it was a Lord from Fire Emblem fighting me, I was scared! But then I thought of my Princess, and I know I can't let you down! Eliwood apparently isn't too good at dealing damage, but I'm great at defending and taking him down. You'll cheer for me, won't you, Princess? I'll become a servant you can be proud of and win this match! Crybaby Strikes and Milk will pave the way to victory, as Tink says! Your forever faithful servant, Taro." This letter is sponsored by Marona's Bottlemail Stash & Co.

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 This week's writeup comes in the form of a message, and we hope you enjoy its contents: "Lord Eliwood. You shant have much time in order to win this match, with your foe weakening you with his dastardly crybaby strikes. However, he is slow so you can freely use your mighty Durandal, and however tough his hide, it shall be as nothing before that divine blade. Moreover, while he can heal, you should be able to land a mighty critical blow, and end this gruesome fight swiftly. Finally, do take note to eat the enclosed breakfast I prepared for you, milord. A good meal is the surest path to victory. From your faithful servant, Lowen." This message is sponsored by Social Cavaliers & Co. Delivery Services.

Namagomi
Anyone who takes the time to watch Taro fight can notice something. He throws windmill punches. Just like the fat kid in second grade. Rozalin's presence in the stands didn't help, as that just made Taro throw his windmill punches with that much more gusto--when he wasn't drinking milk in the middle of a fight. So in effect, Eliwood is fighting an overindulgent milk-addicted kid who should be no better at fighting than your average grade-school fatty.

...the fact that Eliwuss somehow got beaten by this is a testament to...well, how pathetic he is. Can you really expect anything more from the worst Fire Emblem main in history?

Taro: 23
Eliwood: 14

Bardiche
It was the most thrilling moment of the week. Eliwood, the vaunted Lord, was being beaten down by a little cow demon.

Let me repeat that because it is important: Eliwood was being beaten down by a cow demon.

A cow. The ones that go Moo, and produce Milk.

Suffice to say Eliwood didn't only lose the match. He also lost his dignity and pride.

At least he still has Hector. Hector'd never leave him. Hector'd beat the hell out of him for losing to a cow, but he'd never leave him.